i know things will get better, but they will never be the same.

December 13, 1944 - June 10, 2011

hallelujah!

my husband got a for-realsy full-time job!

his dream job, even!

2011 is our year, yo!

the party is on!

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186.0

That's the damage after 2 weeks of eating with reckless abandon. Though honestly the first few days of vacation I was being somewhat careful. I did have a wedding dress to fit into after all. But once that was over,it was ALL over. I'm slightly embarrassed at my feeding frenzy tendencies but there's nothing I can do about it now but move forward. I had the best vacation of my life and I certainly don't regret that.

I will move forward cognizant that it is a very slippery slope once start to loosen my already liberal reins of "healthy" eating.

And so it begins again.

Today I will be controlled and conscious in my eating.
Today I will get at least 30 mins of exercise, despite this depressing rain.
Today I will finally fully unpack.

mspetite becomes a mrs.

Proof you don't have to be at goal weight to have the best day of your life :)

no proof

i did it! i broke the 180 lb. barrier before my trip! just barely though at 179.8. i wanted to record this occasion with a photograph, but when i stepped back on the scale with my camera...i was back over 180! LOL! guess you'll just have to take my word for it.

i don't know how they do it

i am the kind of person who can't drink a cup of coffee because the caffeine makes my heart flutter like crazy. so i don't know how in the world people can stand taking speed or diet pills.

i took a claritin-d today and holy mary mother of god i feel crazy. i can't stop drinking water and i have absolutely no appetite. you'd think it'd be a good thing, but my body feels so far from normal it's creepy.

motivation

getting dressed for work in the morning has been such a pain in the ass the past year. my weight slowly but surely crept up and i was down to 1 pair of black slacks, 1 pair of grey slacks with one pant leg longer than the other (one of the hems fell), and 1 pair of long taupe slacks that i've been hemming with tape. a few months ago, the friction of my thighs had worn a hole in the only pair of jeans i fit into. so i bought a bigger pair (sigh). i've supplemented this atrocious line up with leggings (!!!) worn with tunics and such.

needless to say, i've been a hot mess.

but i've noticed in the last few weeks that my pants have been getting too big. and not just the ones that i bought a little bit big to begin with. every current pair of slacks that i've worn to get me through the year is too big.

huzzah!

i unearthed a couple pairs of smaller pants, but for the most part they all need hemming too. i never wanted to invest in professionally hemming a pair of pants in a size i didn't want to be in for very long. hence the ghetto tape.

but lately, i've been dressing up my leggings 'cause they're the only things that fit. and today they fit even better. no muffin top! i could wear them with a silky top that skimmed my redefined curves and whoa! stopped patrick in his tracks. he gushed and leered and blathered helplessly.

felt. frickin'. awesome.

though it was a little ridiculous because when i met him i was 15 pounds lighter than i am now. i guess it's just been awhile since i've felt any confidence in my body.

i felt really powerful.

i've lost 13.5 in the last 6 weeks. and i am strongly resisting the urge to not feel happy until i lose it all. so yes, i am still obese, but i'm still workin' it! :)

relativity

i've never been so happy to weigh 180.0 pounds.

naked weigh-in: week 6

2/21: 185.0
2/22: 185.4
2/23: 183.5
2/24: 183.5
2/25: 183.5
2/26: 183.5
2/27: 183.5
2/28: 183.2

net week: -1.8
net total: -10.3
ave week: 183.8

praise jebus, the bloat is over.

so far, monday and tuesday have been great with eating. i made my meals for the week on sunday night, so i'm pretty set. i got a 3 mile walk in on both days. i wish i had gotten more, though. as much as i sometimes hate all the time i spend on the bus commuting, it does force me to get in an additional 3.5 miles of walking in everyday. but this week i'm driving to work so i can spend more time in the office or at home preparing for our trip next week. all in all, this arrangement keeps stress levels down which i think is most important :)

my weight today is actually down to 181.6, so maybe, just maybe, i can squeak in under 180 by sunday. at this point it's totally trivial, and i have bigger things to worry about, but i can't say the thought still doesn't cross my mind.

2 loaves of bread

i heard somewhere that a loaf of bread represents the volume of weight you lose when you lose 5 pounds. double this and you get what i've lost in 5 weeks.

i imagine tacking on these slices of bread all over my body. that's what i used to look like? pretty interesting visual, no?

this week, i played things differently. i upped my calories to 1780 daily. at first i had a problem eating so much, but my pms cravings took care of that by the middle of the week. upping my calories kept me sane and i've been able to at least maintain at a steady 183. i'm definitely considering that a victory. my exercise has decreased this week by virtue of the rain and my overall crappy sluggishness. but things should turn around this weekend in terms of weather and mood. the forecast says we'll have sun until tuesday so i have to make the most of the next four days.

i need to eat much more cleanly next week. this week i let myself eat more in the way of processed food and i can feel the difference, specifically in that my body craves it more once i've eaten it. i don't want to go down that slippery slope again. i'd started to tire of my routine of healthy food which is another reason for "letting myself go", so my goal this weekend is to try a couple of new recipes to get me through this week before the weddingmoon. but all in all, i'm pretty pleased that i was still able to eat more "cheat" foods but not go totally overboard.

my goal for april is to "do" a 5k. at this point i'm practically walking a full 5k at lunch and another by the time you add up my walking to the bus time in the morning and evening. so by "do" a 5k i mean finish in under 50 minutes which would require some running in there at some point.

another goal i have for after the wedding is to add yoga. like at a real studio. for now i think we might only be able to afford for me to go once a week, but that's better than nothing. if i'm smart i'll supplement it with another day at home with a DVD, but you know me and doing workouts on DVD. yeah, they never get done.

looking even further out, i do want to start running more. i definitely feel "the clock" ticking and i'd like to run another marathon before i get pregnant. but i also don't want to get all stressed about it. and i'd like to shed more weight to make it easier on my body. this creates a nice, naturally slow progression back into running. instead of my past efforts which usually include me being too eager for my own good. even at this pace, i still think it's safe to say that a half marathon could be in the cards for this year.

11 days

til we leave for st. lucia. the scale is back to normal. and my dress fits like a dream...

not much else on the blogging front. eating is well. i've doubled my walking mileage by getting off at a bus stop further away from my office.

i've bought some cute new dress and summery clothes for the caribbean, even a new bikini. i'm definitely not a hot bod in it yet, but i don't care. we spent too much money to go to too beautiful of a place for me to care. the beach will feel awesome either way! and my soon-to-be hubby thinks i look hot either way.

yay! yay! yay!

naked weigh in: week 5: WTF?

2/14: 184.6
2/15: 185.0
2/16: 185.6
2/17: 184.0
2/18: 183.6
2/19: 182.4
2/20: 182.8
2/21: 185.0
(bonus) 2/22: 185.4)

net week: +.4
net total: -8.5
ave week: 184.1

how the hell did i GAIN 3 pounds in 3 days, or 2 practically overnight!? i'm so very confused.

hell yeah!

182.4

full moon

i am trying my very, very best NOT to have a second glass of cabernet.

better now than later

i upped my daily calories from 1200 to 1500. i've been soo hungry lately on 1200 calorie days, especially now that i've increased my daily walking mileage from 3 to 6. i'm hoping this is the smart thing to do. the scale is not being kind, but in my mind i know it's hormonal. it's better that i retain the water now than the week i'm on vacay and the day i get married, right?

naked weigh in : week 4

2/7: 185.8
2/8:185.0
2/9: 184.6
2/10:185.6
2/11: 184.8
2/12:183.6
2/13: 184.0
2/14: 184.6

week loss: 1.2
net loss: 8.9
ave weight: 184.75

it KILLS me that i was down to 183.6, just barely over a 10 pound weight loss. i of course 'screw it up' over the weekend. BUT! perhaps it's those weekends that keep me sane and going in the right direction :)

Regardless, i have 3 weeks until we leave for st. lucia for our wedding and i have to tighten things up. my dress fit like a glove! so i have to buy myself some insurance for the week we will be at the resort before the wedding. i could easily gain 5 pounds over those 5 days!

i will most likely lose the .6 today (if history repeats itself). i want to lose at least 8 more lbs, if not an even 10 in 3 weeks. it certainly doesn't help that it's raining this week and i will have little, if no, opportunity to walk outside today. i might have to cave in and find a gym. boo.

thank god for tomorrow

i have been riding the high of 8lb weight loss all week. but as physics dictates, what goes up must go down. i made the mistake of going to target on my lunch break friday afternoon to try on dresses and shorts. ugh. sausage city. while i've made great strides, it's just not enough yet.

it was enough to make me yearn for my favorite security blanket: kettle chips. i felt like a baby who needed to suck their thumb. wah wah. i got back to my desk and had my jicama slices instead. when i was hungry again i had another hot cocoa. and finally on my way to the bus i stopped at the gas station to get a small back of kettle chips. luckily, even after all that, i was still within my calorie budget.

that night i continued the shopping torture and tried on bathing suits. why i thought that would help the matter i don't know. all i can say is, luckily cute shoes still fit. i somehow managed to not veer into the mcdonalds at the mall and make my way home with my tail between my legs. i whined enough to patrick at home that he had to leave the room. boo.

in my head i knew i would get over it tomorrow. and i am over it. and not just because the scale is moving in the right direction this morning. i am where i am. i am who i am. and being thinner now wouldn't necessarily make me happier. so i can be happy as me now.

my wedding dress is finally in and i get to try it on today! and THAT makes me super happy! :)

hungry hungry hippo

dude. i can't stop eating today. so frickin' hungry. could it be because i doubled my walking mileage?

nothing comes between me and my calvins

i weighed myself when i got home and as i suspected i was less than my weight this morning. 185.2. not a huge deal, since i hope the 'real net loss' will show up this week. i chalk it up to water retention from my saltier than average super bowl sunday food. i made sure to drink a boat load of water today. it appears to have helped!

i had two major non-scale victories on sunday.

1. i was able to fit into a pair of jeans that i haven't worn in about a year! woot! now when i say fit into i mean literally fit into. there is definite muffin top spillage. i wore them on sunday just because i was so stoaked, but i stealthily wore a loose t-shirt. these jeans have now become my new benchmark.
   
2. one of the first things my cousin said to me at the superbowl party was "you've lost weight". best three words to hear besides "i love you". it's awesome to see the numbers on the scale go down, but even more awesome to know there is physical evidence that other people can notice. just the other day i was noticing that the watch pattycakes got me for christmas was getting loose, and it didn't dawn on me that it could be from me losing weight because i didn't think i had lost that much. apparently, i have.
   

there are 27 more days until we leave for our weddingmoon. that's 4 more weeks. in those 4 weeks i'd like to lose 10 more pounds. mainly, i'd like to lose as much of my double chin as possible. i know there's not much to be done for my abs or whatever, but i'd like for my face to at least be slimmer. i'd like for my new benchmark jeans to fit comfortably. losing 10 more pounds will also put me squarely in the 170s, a place i haven't been in a long time. i want to do my best to get off as much weight now as possible knowing that on vacation i'll gain some of it back.

i think my eating has been really good. as i've said in a previous post, i love how i can still eat food i love. and i feel much more in control. planning in advance what days i can eat more make the days of eating less much easier.

as for exercise, the great weather we've been having lately has definitely helped. i walk every day at lunch that i can (usually 3-4 days) and today i learned of a longer way to the bus stop that will add another mile onto my walk, capping me off at 5 miles a day! i know i should add some resistance training in somehow, but with all the time i'm commuting it's hard to stomach adding more time.

but all in all, i'm pretty much on fire about how things are going!

naked weigh-in: week 3

1/31: 188.4
2/1: 187.2
2/2: 186.6
2/3:186.6
2/4: 186.2
2/5: 185.8
2/6: 184.8
2/7: 185.8

week loss: 2.2
net loss: 7.3

i seriously LOVE this diet

i have had a pretty great last couple of days.

on thursday, my office threw a surprise baby shower for one of my co-workers. she was totally surprised and on the verge of tears on several occasions. granted she's hormonal, but it was still great to see how thankful and happy she was! plus we had yummy goodies. we catered from our fave mediterranean restaurant and we got her favorite cake: tres leches! any diet that lets me eat my fill of lamb gyros, cake and baklava (2 pieces!) is my kind of diet.

avoiding the leftovers the next day was very hard. but doable. i had a little lamb (haha) the next day but loaded up on the veggies more. and had no. more. sweets. i was very cognizant of stepping up the veggie intake on friday so i would keep my calories down yet wouldn't feel hungry. friday i also got in 2 walks: one at lunch and one after work while the sun was still out.

saturday brought sunny skies and temps near 70! it would have been a crime not to go hiking. so we did! we spent about an hour and a half at skyline park:








then we had lunch at one of patrick's fave spots in downtown napa. i had caesar salad and calamari, which i have been craving for weeks for whatever reason. we spent the rest of the afternoon checking out tyler florence's new store and morimoto's restaurant.

today brings another sunny day! i weighed myself this morning, like i do every morning and the scale is being good to me. i'm considering walking the mile to my pharmacy to pick up my rx and get some exercise. i'm also making guacamole today! hopefully all of it won't get eaten at the superbowl party today so i can have some during the week too! i hope y'all have a great sunday!

daylight

not only did i get 3.25 miles in today at lunch, but i thought i would take advantage of the longer days and get a walk in after work too! i'm not sure how far i walked, but i did so for an hour, at a more leisurely pace than i do at lunch. i'm gonna guess between all of that and my walks to and from the bus that i logged in 6 miles :)

yippee!

toot! toot!

beans + whole grains + lentils + broccoli = whoa, nelly!

aren't you glad your desk isn't next to mine?

fiber! fiber! fiber!

today was definitely good on the eating front. by the way, i'm typing this while pattycakes eats mcdonalds in front of me.

breakfast: smoked salmon and cream cheese on a bagel thin
am snack: veggie patty
am snack: bean salad
lunch: curry chicken and lentils
pm snack: haagen dazs coffee ice cream
pm snack: edamame
pm snack: cranberry and nut luna bar
dinner: baked southern greens and hot chocolate

all within my calorie allotment! :)

i also got in another 3 miles at lunch.

and the scale rewarded me when i got home. yippee!

naked weigh-in: week 2

1/24: 188.4
1/25: 188.2
1/26: 187.2
1/27: 188.0
1/28: 187.2
1/29: 186.2
1/30: 187.4
1/31: 188.4

i'm hoping it's water retention. 'cause it's a mean, mean trick for me to lose 2 pounds then gain it back in 2 days. a mean, mean trick, indeed.

though at the end of the day i guess i should be glad i didn't gain?

-------------
in other news, pattycakes and i each got a pair of skechers shape-up shoes. i took them for a spin last night and today at lunch. i definitely feel something, though nothing dramatic. i do find that the more i think i about the heel to toe motion the more i feel my muscles engage, but it's kind of hard to be that focused on something as simple as walking. especially on my lunch hour when i kind of want to tune out. and when i wear them to and from the bus i'm more concentrating on speed so i don't miss it! either way, i can't see what harm they'll do. (famous last words)

today i felt generally tired. actually, more like i really didn't feel like being at work. not that i wanted to sleep or anything, i just would have much rather been at home in comfy pants and a sweatshirt doing work than at the office. there are days that i feel like maintaning a 'professional appearance' makes it distracting to work. especially when i'm not having meetings or anything like that. if my day is heavy on sketching or brainstorming or drawing up initial ideas, i would much rather just shut out the world and be in a sweatshirt and trackpants churning out work. kind of in the way i'd rather be wearing comfy clothes to do physical work.

i'm hoping the lethargy doesn't last all week. food wise, i have to be on my toes - i want a loss this week and i have two days where my schedule is gonna be out of whack. i've skipped frozen meals this week and am trying different things i got a trader joes. one being their curry chicken breast tenders. i got a 1.5lb bag and have already made a batch with some lentils. but here's the thing. ever since i started limiting my calories, i've been eating much less. this 1.5lb of chicken would probably normally be 2-3 servings? but now it's more like 6! so i have to either freeze half of it or eat curry chicken almost all day long for a few days! and i didn't realize the bag of lentils i bought needed to be eaten within 2 days! 5 servings of lentils over 2 days. oof! and if you're asking why i don't share this stuff with pattycakes, it's because he wouldn't eat this stuff if it was the last stuff on earth. it would definitely make life a lot easier if we ate the same things!

two new purchases

1. skechers shape-ups yes i know they're totally dorky but they were bogo half off and...yeah i got nothing. i'm looking for any extra advantage here.

2. my formerly hot life: dispatches from just the other side of young by stephanie dolgoff. FINALLY! there's a word to describe what i've been feeling since i hit my 30s!

i'm keeping it quiet on all other fronts, lest i go off on some hormonal rant or emotional meltdown. i'm just keeping it real folks. i'm expecting the worst tomorrow for my naked weigh-in. bah!

because blogging makes me feel better

today started normally and then bam! got hit with yet another last minute emergency project due in just a few hours. not the way i like to start my day, much less a friday. it totally threw me for a loop and left me grumbling under my breath. and it set the tone for most of the morning.

by my afternoon walk i was kinda over it and just generally tired and ready to go home. for a good part of the afternoon i just wanted to wolf down a bag of kettle chips and go to bed. i started a post about a topic at some point today and now i feel very different about it. and in a good way i think. so it appears that even not publishing a blog post is helpful. so no need for that bag of kettle chips.

i've decided not to feel bad about feeling tired, since i know most of it is hormonal. i've been good to myself food wise and sleep wise this week, so i think i deserve a break :)

thursday and more awesomeness

for most of the morning i had a headache. and no advil. doh! and for whatever reason i thought eating would help it. and it kinda did. thankfully i had the healthy, filling stuff around so i was in no danger of going above my calories. and i did get in a short walk, 2.5 miles at lunch. on the scale of awesome it was only so-so, but i'll take it. especially considering the time of the month.

switching gears...

this year i made a non-public resolution to increase my income somehow. by how much or what percentage i wasn't quite sure. i didn't want to spend 2011 stressed about jobs and money like i did for so much of 2010, so i thought i would at least table serious thought about it until after the wedding. well it turns out certain things have naturally worked out in my favor. at the beginning of this month i had my review at work where i got words like "exemplary" and "beyond our expectation" and "we couldn't do the work we do without you" thrown at me. it felt really good! as did the raise they gave me! i was a little disappointed to hear it was prorated because i had only been there for 6 months (and not a full year) but still, i'll take it.

earlier this month i discovered a mass transit option for my 40 miles each way commute to work. it's a bus that leaves less than 2 miles from my apartment, makes only 3 stops, and drops me off only half a mile from my office. and it's saving me $150 a month! (not counting the money i'll save in oil changes and wear and tear on my 8-year old volkswagen). also when you add in the federal tax benefit for commuting via mass transit, that's another boost! not to mention helping to alleviate the stress of driving in traffic every day. THAT benefit is immeasurable.

so i was able to see a very reasonable increase in my income for basically doing nothing, except be an awesome employee :) woot woot!

the morning after the worst day (so far) of 2011

yesterday was just so not cool. i felt all dizzy on the bus to work. i was starving all day; i could barely keep up with feeding myself; MORE last minute effing projects meaning i couldn't take any time away from my desk, and i was starved and dizzy on the way home.

pms + low calorie diet = bad effing day.

i wasn't trying to starve myself. i was eating just like i had been but i guess it just wasn't enough yesterday. i had a bigger than normal dinner at outback with my honey: caesar salad (dressing on side) and half my plate of salmon and veggies and a half a glass of pinot noir. i think i might have to get a stash of luna bars or something similar to keep in my bag for occasions on the bus when i'm starving and can't make it the hour ride home without something to nibble.

i got on the scale this morning and found i 'gained' back the pound i had lost. which makes sense. i suspect i had less than 1200 cals on tuesday and it sent my body way outta whack. so i made up for it on wednesday. i hear calorie cycling works anyway. :)

here's to thursday being better! much better!

the best day (so far) of 2011

it appears that clean eating and daily walks agree with me because i had the best day today. i was up and at 'em at 4:30am, which is a tad early even for me. i made an awesome breakfast (sauteed mini bellas, egg white on an everything bagel thin and a cuppa tea), got all glammed up for work, cleaned up the kitchen and was out the door by 6:00am. cruised along to the 'stack of dimes' podcast in the fog, sipping a peppermint tea and got to work at 6:45am.

and i just continued to cruise throughout the day. had an awesome snack of roasted cauliflower and garbanzo beans at 8:15am. i had a morningstar veggie patty (the ones that taste JUST like chicken nuggets) at 9:30am. i scarfed down a Lean Cuisine chicken meal then went for a 3 mile walk. came back kinda sweaty (ick!) and had a bit of haaggen dasz coffee ice cream. my next snack was at 3:00pm: a fat free strawberry greek yogurt. i finally just had dinner: more roasted cauliflower and garbanzo beans.

but here's the best part: i had TONS of energy all day! no 3:00pm slump. no cravings for sugar or chocolate. and best of all no crankiness. and oh! i forgot to tell you this is my pms week. what?! no crankiness?! no tiredness?! holy effing shite!

i might have just jinxed myself because i know my hormones are powerful, vengeful beeyotches, but damn i feel good!

i'm almost afraid of how good this feels because i know it won't always be this easy. but i AM gonna enjoy it, damnit. it feels so good to not be a slave to my moods or my appetite.

two fit chicks and a pumpkin muffin

i was amazed by the scale this morning which measured a 5.1 lb weight loss for the week. especially considering my meal at zocalo. thankfully, one meal does not negate a week's worth of work. so i was feeling super charged and motivated this morning. had some leftover rice and beans for breakfast and packed up all my healthy foods for the day, which included the rest of the leftovers from my fabulous sunday meal.

all was fine and dandy until my preggo (and naturally skinny) co-worker brought in treats for us. i immediately said that someone else could have mine and she said, "but i got you the pumpkin muffin. that's more healthy than the other stuff."

what are you supposed to say to someone who brings you a treat?

so when it came time to have my first snack of the day i ate like half of the muffin top. and i accounted for like 300 calories because god knows these yummy bakery muffins ain't skimpy. that meant i would have to cut out 2 of my snacks and i wasn't quite sure that 1. i would be able to make it without getting really hungry and 2. the muffin was worth it.

i also had to accommodate for my leftovers which included some egg, part of a steak and rice & beans. the rest of my food today: 4 slices of thin chicken deli meat with mustard, a weight watchers ravioli florentine meal, a cup of nonfat greek yogurt with honey. i figured if i really was hungry, i'd have the edamame i brought and/or the hot chocolate too. but i didn't have to dip into those reserves.

as for dinner, the jury is still out on whether i'm hungry enough. i might roast some broccolli which should do minimal damage.

this week, i wanted to also step up my physical activity. my initial plan was to start an evening routine. but bah, i've got menstrual cramps and i don't care if exercise is supposed to help, i'm not gonna do it :) but i did increase my walking mileage at work to 3 miles. i listened to a new-to-me podcast today: two fit chicks and a microphone. i lurve it. one of the girls has an australian accent so she could be talking about toilets and i think i'd listen just because her voice and accents are awesome. but the content is great too. i'd highly recommend it.

naked weigh in: week 1

1/17: 193.5
1/18: 191.2
1/19: 190.8
1/20: 190.0
1/21: 190.0
1/22: 189.6
1/23: 189.2
1/24: 188.4

adios, 5.1 pounds. i didn't need you and i won't miss you.

zocalo

if you ever find yourself in midtown sacramento, run, do not walk, to Zocalo. insanely good mexican food and a huge selection of top shelf tequilas in a beautiful environment. they have a great brunch with live music.

and this is where i blew all (and more) of my calories today. and they were damn, effing tasty calories.

at least it's all i ate today. right?

oh baby!

so i was worried about the temptation to eat lotsa good food at the baby shower i went to today. my co-worker's family are all good cooks so i knew i would be entering the danger zone. after breakfast and 2 snacks, i managed to save 850 calories for the party. and while i have no idea what my actual caloric intake was, i think i fared very well.

i ate 1 samosa. HALF a vegetarian tamale. 1 breaded veggie stick. a small slice of a veggie flatbread thing. and a very small glass of pinot noir.

NO CAKE! and it was tres leches cake! NO cookies! and they were homemade! NO truffles or candy. and NO champagne.

while i was no angel, I did a LOT better than i thought i would. i was definitely tempted to indulge on account of it being a "special occasion". but i knew i would feel worse about cheating. the food was good, but not THAT good :) ya know? is there any food that is worth it? probably, but not now that the wedding is a mere 6 weeks ago. plus i just really really need to prove to myself that i can do this. that i haven't lost all control over myself.

frickin' friday

today was the second friday in a row where my boss assigned me an "urgent" project due before the end of the day. i'm seriously so over this kind of bullshit. it seems like all of our work lately is get. it. done. now. and if it isn't, it's only because the client lagged. once we get it back, it's "hurry up we needed this yesterday". people seriously suck.

that being said, my eating was a little off today. i had all my meals and snacks planned, but i didn't eat at such regular intervals. nor did i have nearly as much water as i am supposed to have. it was work work work today.

the upside is that i didn't eat anything i wasn't supposed to eat and i didn't "feed" my stress.

tomorrow i have a baby shower so again my eating will be a little off. my strategy is to eat just enough healthy stuff there to get me through the few hours. i should also be able to get in a little more exercise than normal with it being saturday and all. so hopefully it will all balance out.

a collection of thoughts

• my first snack of the day was a cup of lentil soup. that shiz kept me full for 2 hours! i probably could have gone longer, but figured i should get my next snack in so i don't accidentally get hungry.
• i got started on my walk today and realized, oh crap. i'm sore. i definitely felt it in my hip flexors, quads and feet. i need to start wearing real walking shoes, especially given my poor foot anatomy.
  
• i got really, really tired at around 2pm. after i had already had my walk, my lunch and some sorbet as a snack. it sucked. i just wanted to plop my head down on my desk and sleep. i even called patrick to see if he would be willing to pick me up from work if my tiredness continued.
• it didn't. thankfully. surprisingly. and just as suddenly. by around 3 i had perked up and was able to finish up a good amount of work before i left work.
• i left with a definite spring in my step. it kinda felt like friday, that's how good i felt by the time i left. so good in fact that my mind immediately went to "ooh what fun things can i eat to celebrate?" isn't it funny how that works. i eat when i'm sad. i'm mad. i'm stressed. AND i eat when i'm happy. it appears that whenever i feel i need a release, whether it's good or bad, food is my drug of choice.
• of course i knew i only had 300 calories to work with. it's very hard to splurge with that. so i came home to make roasted brussel sprouts. but part of me definitely wanted to go "wheeeeee! let's devour some nachos! yum!!" i got high just thinking about it. for reals.
• being on a "diet" is like being on a budget. and after several years of overspending, i've become pretty good at balancing my financial budget. now it's time to exercise the same discipline to my eating and health. being an adult is a bitch.
• but so far, things are manageable. having the numbers in black in white in front of me help me stay accountable. my plan is to get me down to a more manageable weight while i try to increase my fitness level and find a happy medium where i can eat sensibly but splurge a little and be in good enough shape to accommodate that.
• and then i'll get pregnant and all of that will get shot to hell. :)
  

today's highlights

lunch: Safeway Signature Cafe Soup: Coconut and Red Curry Chicken Bisque

• really flavorful, really rich.
  
• 1 cup = 250 cals
• comes in 24 oz. containers for $4.39. that's 3 meals! or $1.46 per meal!!

standout snack: Single serving Haagen Dazs ice cream in Coffee flavor

• the tiny ass, shot glass sized carton is a total of 220 calories, so i split it and ate half at 2:30 and the other half at 3:30.
• DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH RESTRAINT THAT TAKES!?
• it even comes with its own little spoon.
• and only a dollar!

on the ipod: stuff you should know podcast: episode "how muppets work".

• lots of fun facts about jim henson's characters and behind the scenes schtuff.
• they post the question, what if jim henson had finished his college degree in accounting instead of inventing the muppets? what a sad, sad world it would have been! no grover. no bert and ernie. no kermie. no fraggles.
  

overall, it's been a fairly painless "diet" day. i definitely still get a little hungry, but i never feel STARVED and i have nearly every hour of eating and drinking mapped out so i'm usually able to make it to my next feeding time without wanting to chop someone's head off, as i'm wont to do. what's most nice about this new "system", for lack of a better word, is i haven't yet felt emotionally unhinged because of hunger. probably because there is very little time i'm not chewing or drinking. seriously. it's like i have a constant i.v. drip.

but i guess that's the point.

1200 calories

i came across a youtuber who was able to lose 82 pounds in 72 days, going from 257 to 175. her journey was very well documented and even her moniker struck a chord with me: ImpatientDieter. and considering my wedding is in 48 days and i could stand to lose about half what she lost, i thought hey maybe i CAN do this for 7 weeks.

roughly her plan is this: she drinks a 100 calorie meal replacement shake every hour, drinks nearly a gallon of water, and 2 regular meals of 250 calories each for a total of 1,200 calories a day. she also walks for an hour in the morning and evening and follows each walk up with a couple sets of crunches, leg lifts, and arm exercises. she calls it the easyway diet because she's never hungry and the exercise is pretty easy.

i tried a modified version of her nearly all liquid diet yesterday. um, no thanks. maybe it would be different if my protein shakes tasted better. i also work in a small office and really didn't want to be shaking up these drinks every hour. and oh, yeah, i like actual food.

but i was able to restrict my calories to only 1200. and take a 2.5 mile walk at lunch.

today, i replaced one of her shakes with a hot cocoa with some protein powder (much more palatable this way) and had several small 100(ish) calorie snacks throughout the day. today was a bit easier than yesterday as i think my stomach has shrunk down from its normal eat-all-i-want size. it's 7:40pm here now and i've hit my 1200 calories for the day and got in another hour long walk at lunch.

while it's kind of a pain to eat every hour, it's also kind of nice. lots of little treats during the day help the day go faster and even though i'm eating less than i normally do, it doesn't feel like it. part of it i think comes from the variety of food i've been eating: edamame, greek yogurt, tuna, small bits of chocolate. i can satisfy both my sweet and savory tooth as it comes up during the day.

and now who knows what's gonna happen once the weekend comes. when i have a baby shower to go to. or in a few weeks when the pms hits. but for now it feels good to feel a little more in control. and i doubt i'll be able to drop 48 pounds in 48 days, which was her pace. i doubt i'll be able to drop 20. but 10 pounds in 7 weeks would be nice.

what i learned about myself in 2010

i don't know about you, but 2010 was a doozy! it was both good and bad in some extreme ways. i got 2 new jobs. pattycakes and i made the leap into cohabitation and it was more of a transition than i thought it would be. but now we're happier than ever together and excited about our wedding in less than 2 months. my grandma, my last living grandparent, passed away the week of her 93rd birthday. and not a day goes by that i haven't thought of her or my grandpa. this grief is unlike any i've ever felt. financially, pattycakes and i have made it by the skin of our teeth and the generosity of his parents. we're getting by day-to-day but i still struggle with feeling any security in this area.

unfortunately, overall, i've been stressed, tired, and bitchy. and while i was not grossly unhappy, i was rarely happy. my waking thoughts were always filled with something i should be doing. i just couldn't find respite from this worry that pervaded my life. it's like i was overcompensating for all the things i couldn't control by being super-extra-crazy controlling over the things i thought i could control - my work, cleaning the apartment etc. i couldn't keep up with the expectations i held for myself and it just made me more stressed, more tired, and ultimately less productive.

making me one big bitchy unhappy person.

how patrick put up with it, i have no idea.

i really am not proud of the person i was in 2010. i was so quick to snap. i felt so out of control emotionally. i often felt paralyzed and overwhelmed by all that i felt i had to do. so much so that i ended up doing nothing. sitting. eating. feeling awful about the hours, weekends wasted. and despite this downtime, i didn't feel rested.

i'm suddenly reminded of a good week i had in 2010. i was dog-sitting my brother's dog at my parents' house while they were all on vacation in Disneyland. even though i had my normal work routine, the change of staying at my parents' by myself to walk and feed the dog and water the plants was immensely relaxing and refreshing. i remember commenting how it felt like it recharged my batteries.

so what does this tell me?

i need more "me" time. i need to know it's ok to spend time for just myself. a time devoid of worry or thoughts of anyone or anything else. i've been running myself ragged for nothing. and turning myself into a bitchy witchy. i've noticed that the weeks that pattycakes goes to his friends' for game night are the days i get to indulge in me time and we both feel better after that time away from each other. lately, they're lucky if they get together once a month. i find i need at least one night a week to myself. i think i might start calling that day monday.

i need to guard my health. the best measure of my overall well-being is my sleep schedule. for the most part, my body gets tired by itself at around 10 and wakes up by itself between 4:30 and 5:00. i could literally set a clock by my body rhythm. The last few weeks have not been that way. i can't go to bed and it's hard for me to get up. i've been feeling restless. i am mentally and emotionally drained from all my stress but my body has not at all been challenged enough or fed well. i need to start treating my body with more respect by eating more healthy and getting fresh air and exercise.

i am refraining right now from making any weight loss goals. it just sounds like stress city right now.

i need to stop negative self-talk and rewrite a new script for myself. it's sad how often i say, 'i'm so fat and ugly'. i am constantly feeling like i need to do more in every aspect of my life. it's no wonder i always feel so behind! and those bad feelings just end up making me do less because i feel so crappy. so screw that. as greg behrendt says, "don't waste the pretty".

i have other goals for 2011 in order of priority:

1. write up a budget for the year and for every month and stick to it.
2. make new friends.
3. take a web class.
4. build a personal portfolio site.