Telephone Remake

pattycakes and i are moving this weekend! squeeee!!

so while we work, and hopefully don't break our backs, enjoy this lady gaga remake from some of our men overseas in afganistan.

see you on the flip side!

moving on

**per my previous post, i think i need to not blog when i'm pmsing. i sound so angsty**

this past weekend was spent avoiding packing. so we went to the drive-in, dinner in sonoma, and finally santa cruz beach boardwalk. with a week left before the big move, i am forced to finally get my shiz together. i spent most of tonight going through my clothes since it's about time to switch out the winter gear for the spring gear. as it stands, i would say i actually have 2, maybe even 3, wardrobes. my skinny wardrobe and my current size wardrobe (i refrained from calling it fat) and my in-between. the last time i did a major overhaul of my clothes was when i moved about 3.5 years ago. and tonight i did a pretty thorough purge of any last relics from my 20's. because let's face it, i'm going to be 32 this year. i can't wear that kinda stuff no mo'. and i'm no longer a size 4. sure i dream that i could be again, but honestly, a size 8 would suffice. and that size is probably more realistic. i doubt i will ever be in a time in my life again where being skinny is my only goal. i ended up filling 2 very large trashbags worth of clothes for goodwill. some clothes i kept too long for sentimental reasons, or because they were gifts. some clothes i just wore to death because i loved. and some clothes i bought to help tide me over between sizes. and some i bought 'cause that was just the trend. i look at all these discarded clothes and shoes and think about all the wasted money. it's hard to maintain a wardrobe of so many sizes and seasons.

patrick has agreed to give me the bigger closet in our 2 bedroom apartment. thankfully we have a situation where we don't have to share one. if there is any question as to where my debt came from, you can look at the piles and piles of clothes and shoes i've donated through the years and my increasing waist line from eating out and partying. (though the evidence of that hasn't shown up til now)

in the merging of our two lives into one space, it's just selfish and irresponsible of me to be so fixated with 'stuff'. especially stuff that gets put in a drawer, or a closet, or a box and rarely sees the light of day. and when i think about all the things i discarded or gave away only 4 years ago when i moved cross-country, and the boat-load of more crap i've amassed in just 4 years, i feel so wasteful. i'd like it so we just have what we really love, really need, and really use. for environmental, financial, and emotional well-being.

no more extra stuff. because it just becomes extra baggage.

wedding etiquette & family drama

enticing blog post title, eh?

i don't know if i've mentioned it before, but my baby brother is getting married in october. i don't remember if i went into the whole drama that was their getting engaged and announcing it. an attempt at a short version: his gf (who i've written on this blog way back who i don't really like very much) apparently proposed to my brother. and they set a date for this year, knowing full well that if they got married this year, patrick and i couldn't because of some weird family superstition about siblings getting married in the same year. so even though patrick and i were engaged first, they went and got engaged and set a date without asking us or giving us a heads up.

and when i mean they, i really mean she. maybe i'm being overly sensitive because i don't like her to begin with. but obviously it wasn't my brother's idea to get it done sooner rather than later otherwise he would have done the proposing. she stepped it up because it was on her agenda.

anyway, i've been able to let it go because honestly i am not ready to get married quite yet. call me old fashioned but i require that my partner have a job in order to get married. and at the time we were still living in my parents house. how can we be married when we can't even take care of ourselves?

patrick didn't seem to agree and was LIVID! and will probably always be to some degree angry at them 'for what they did' and at me for accepting it. if he had his way, we would planning a wedding now, if not be married already. how we would have paid for it, i have no clue. anyway, his displeasure at the situation has not gone unnoticed and it wasn't until recently that he apologized to my brother's gf. though he told me he did it more to smooth the water and he didn't really mean it.

so that's the back story. but apparently the new drama is, is that patrick feels slighted that he isn't involved in their wedding somehow. i am a bridesmaid. though i think i was a last minute addition. regardless, i would have said yes to any request from my brother because he is my brother. even though she asked me in a totally lame way by email, giving me only a week's notice before dress fittings. so yes i am a bridesmaid. one of eight.

i didn't really think of patrick not being in the wedding because we have so much family. and they have sooooo many close friends that they've grown up with that in their list of most important people patrick probably trails very far towards the end, even though he will technically be family. part of me thinks we've been together less than 2 years and he kinda goes out of his way to not be involved if he can. and suddenly he wants to be in their wedding? when he was so livid about them getting married this year?

i'm so confused.

i'll admit he's had a hard time getting in good with the family. including the extended family. it's not that they necessarily have anything against him. i just don't think anyone has anything in common with him. besides me. the majority of my family are boys. the girls that marry in get along with each other because they have that in common. and they get along with the few girls in the family because well, girls play better together, i think. but patrick, and any other boy that tries to marry into the family has their work cut out for them. they've got to try to get in good with an established pack of males. and patrick's the first to try to do that. my cousin had a long time boyfriend who did get in good with them but 1. he was filipino. and 2. he was into sports and poker like them. patrick has nothing in common with anyone in my family. he's managed to feel comfortable with a couple of my older cousins and the sister-in-law i do like. but that's about it.

and at the same time that he wants to be included, he doesn't. he says, 'even though i know i'll say no, and they know i'll say no, it's still nice to be asked'. i get it kinda, but for the most part that seems ludicrous.

i recognize that the role my family plays in my life is probably much more intense than other people. and i make no apologies for that. it's who i am. it's who we are. and it's something that i'm actually quite proud of. and if you've ever seen 'my big fat greek wedding', you'd understand. just substitute filipino for greek. i have pushed all this family vs. patrick drama to the back of my mind because it was all i could do to focus on other things. and i am still hoping and praying that with time and with us having our own place and soon our own family that things will work themselves out to something resembling civility.

a change in momentum

this week started off super stressful but day by day turned totally frickin' awesome. i feel much better at and about work. i think the first 2 days were just pure brain overload. that and all the crazy crap my boss was pumping into my head to prepare me for the politics and shiz that can be involved. but once she got that out of the way, i could finally get my hands dirty with some work and i felt much more at ease. maybe i'm a huge nerd but i love, love, love doing a good job at work and it feels good to get good feedback so soon.

and even though i just started on monday, i got my first paycheck on thursday! frickin' sweet huh? so i get to send off a nice fat payment to one of my credit cards to finally put it to death. woot! also when i left my last job i got a check for unused vacation time! on top of that, i'm getting a few hundred from uncle sam. it feels like i won the lottery! not really, but the extra cash has been helpful in us getting some things for the new apartment, pay for moving, and for some new clothes for work since i mainly wore regular clothes to my last job. it feels nice to have that cushion. and even when my check engine light came on yesterday i didn't necesarily panic. luckily i have a very handy brother and he was able to diagnose the problem (for free! yay brother) and find and change the part for a mere $9.

as if things weren't good enough, patrick got notice from EDD that his unemployment has been extended. while most of me is guilty that we have mooched from the state for this long, i am glad we have that income coming in. it will keep us from dipping into our savings while helping us to keep building it as well. he's also getting a pretty good refund back. and he might have some good job news soon...

things have changed A LOT this week. and i can finally pause and breathe. i'm hoping that this is just the beginning. but for now, i'm concentrating on living in the moment and counting my blessings. on the drive to work this morning, i even thought i might be ready to start training for a big race again. oh, the crazy thoughts i get in my head when i'm happy! :)

day 3 = much better. i finally got to do some actual work. slowly getting my area situated. the person before me and the person before him seems to have been very disorganized because i'm still trying to connect some pieces and physically find everything. like today i had to take some product photography. after i finally found the cabinet key to access the camera, i found that the batteries in the camera were dead. but they were rechargable, so i thought there must be a charger... somewhere. not anywhere near the camera stuff, not in any outlet. then i saw like 4 sets of rechargeable batteries in a drawer, none of which worked. i couldn't find the tripod, which i would assume you would keep with the rest of the camera stuff, right?

it feels like they just let the previous dude run his own thing because no one knows anything about anything in the one-man show that is graphics. so i've got navigate my way and try to think like this other dude thought in order to find stuff. very frustrating. it will feel good when i can get things situated more logically (to me, anyway) and NEATLY! dude was a hot mess.

other than that, everyone has been super duper nice. going out of their way to welcome me and stop in and say hi.

that's all for now, peeps. sorry it's been work-heavy 'round here. i've been adjusting to my new schedule and just finally feeling not so stressed. so i feel a little more caught up on sleep and such now. i've got 2 weeks to pack before we move and i'm hoping that by mid-may, i can be in a groove with work, the new place, and a normal life :)

the dirt

i spent most of the day at a sales meeting with the company's sales reps and listening to manufacturer presentations. here are my thoughts about my new job, in no particular order.

1. it still feels weird to be part of a 'company'. in the mere 2 days since i've gone 'corporate', i now fully appreciate the movie 'office space'. i didn't realize how different a creative environment was to a place where they use the words 'profit margin' and 'back door deals'. while i've done a lot of work for corporate clients, this feels different. and honestly, kind of yucky. i much prefer having other creatives to rub shoulders with. not sales people and accountants.
   
2. i feel very much that this company, this industry in general, is one big boy's club.
3. i am the youngest person in the office. again.
   
4. i found out my direct boss, the marketing manager, is prego. two months prego. while i always try to remain positive, all i thought was 1. sh!t. hormones. and 2. f*ck. who's going to shield me from the scary suits who don't understand a lick about design and the process?
5. do people really enjoy wearing suits? who invented them anyway? thank god i don't have to wear them, but can't i go back to jeans?
6. my normal design style and the company's 'style' (if you want to call it that) are very, very different. they knew that. i know that. how in the hell am i going to find middle ground? while these men may know a lot about business, they are pretty much neanderthals when it comes to any sense of design or style. these are the kinds of people who always want the logo bigger. and they think that because i do this on a computer that it's some kind of instantaneous thing.
7. i will have a lot of people to please. my boss has said as such. they are expecting a lot from me.
8. *gulp*
9. and while i am confident i can rise to the challenge under most circumstances, i am in uncharted territory when it comes to me vs. the suits.
   
10. but all i can do is do my best. do my homework. and pay attention.
    
11. ultimately, i am looking at this as an opportunity to grow. get out of my comfort zone and grow as a designer. elevate them to a level they never thought possible. and do work that i never thought i could do. (in a good way. not in a i-sold-my-soul-to-the-devil kind of way)
12. i should probably not keep blogging about work unless i want to turn the way of the dooce. because even though she is wildly successful, i don't want her life.
    

different

you know how you feel when you've just flown to a totally different time zone, maybe even a whole other country, and you're trying to figure out where everything is? and even simple things like the street signs look different. and you've finally made it to your hotel and you can finally sit down and relax, but your mind is still reeling from taking it all in.

that's kinda how i feel right now after my first day of work. it's not good or bad. just different.

i can already tell that going from an agency setting to an in-house setting will really take some getting used to. going from a creative environment to a business/corporate/bottom line environment is also going to take a lot of getting used to. it's not overly oppressive. just different.
i'm trying my best to refrain from making any hard judgments this early in the game that may cloud or color my experience. after all, it is just the first day!

for the most part, right now i am 1. happy to have a job. 2. happy to be making more money. 3. happy to be working at a place where everyone seems genuinely friendly and welcoming! (where several people complimented my shoes)

tomorrow i get to go to a (really long) sales meeting at an office an hour and a half away. so it'll be me and my new boss in a car for 3 hours total tomorrow...not to mention glad-handing the entire sales staff, vendors, and manufacturers. should be...interesting?

one giant step

i start my new job on monday! i'm not exactly sure what i feel. i'm nervous, a little. i'm excited, a little. but for the most part i think i just want to dive in and get the weird beginning 'probationary' part over. i was telling patrick that i was still slightly disappointed that las vegas didn't work out. and i think it's because most of me is not happy living in the suburbia i grew up in. it's not a bad place. it just bores me to tears. and while the las vegas job would have been probably less creative than the one i took here, the adventure in a new city certainly excited me.

but feeling that way prevents me from seeing all the positives.

1. i get to stay close to my family, specifically my most adorable nephew.
2. i'm getting paid well.
3. i can still explore lots of california that i haven't explored.
4. i believe i can make more of an impact at this position than the other and maybe most.

i really must remember to focus on the positives.

another positive: patrick and i are getting our own apartment. FINALLY! the original plan was to stay at my parents' place until he found something, but things were starting to come to a head between him and my dad if those two spend any more time together in the house alone all day. so i figured to save my own sanity and preserve any shot of a good relationship between my future husband and his future in-laws, we needed to get our own space. we found a great deal at a quiet apartment complex in the next town over and we move in at the beginning of next month!

now while this is exciting news, my brain's energy is mostly focused on being totally super kick ass at this new job. so i don't think my brain has fully processed the weight of this next big step. i mean HELLO! i'm moving in with a DUDE! that i'm going to MARRY! lease is signed! hello!

on the one hand, i AM excited. we have wanted this for forever. on the other hand, i am still nervous about his unemployment. no matter what i do to improve the situation, until he finds gainful employment in an actual career, i can't relax. forget that he's still receiving unemployment checks for who knows how long. forget that we have money saved. forget that his parents are willing to float his boat (apparently indefinitely). i feel nervous being in a relationship where the other person can't fend for himself. it bothers me that he has no idea what he really wants to do in life. how can i rely on someone so directionless?

in the last few months i have come to the realization that perhaps i have the most potential for being the breadwinner of the family. which is not that weird in this day and age. most of my girl friends from college make significantly more than their spouses. in fact, i know a couple where the husband got laid off last year and remained unemployed so that he could stay home with the baby they had a few months ago. while that works for them, i'm not so sure that would work for me. as much of a 'feminist' as i claim to be, i want the man to work. and i want the option to figure out a work/stay home scenario. it sounds sexist and wrong, but i want my husband to be able to take care of me and my family. and i have strong doubts as to patrick's ability to do that.
i know that his unemployment is temporary and he will be able to find something. but what is that something exactly when he has no clear career goals or skills for that matter? again, what is it that i have to rely on?

i can't bring this up with him because it just makes him more depressed and despondent. and really how do you tell someone 'yeah i am really doubting your ability to be a real man?' i already know he feels emasculated by the whole situation anyway. but i'm hoping that being out on our own will put him in a better mood and frame of mind to make things happen.

in the meantime, i need to focus on the positive. something will work out. that something will be great. i must not lose faith.