i need a set of big girl pants...

so much time lapses between my posts that i think why do i even bother? do people even really care any more? then i remember i started blogging for myself. so that answers that question. it frustrates me though, that there is so much going on in my life that training has taken a back seat. i gave myself the excuse of adopting a type b approach to training this summer. and while it's helped keep me "balanced" to enjoy things other than my running, i feel like part of my life is severely lacking because i'm not running as much as i'd like. not even so much that i'm not running as much as i think i should or need. but i WANT to be running more. what craziness!

my upcoming half marathon in october has started to weigh on me. will i be ready? at the beginning of the summer i would have said, yes, i will be ready. now? it's pretty dicey. could i get through it, yes. could i walk the majority of it? yes. but i don't want to. i want to run it. i want to run it better than i've run any other half marathon.

so what's my problem?

i never understood how much of a time commitment and mental commitment training was. because i had all the free time in the world as a single nine to fiver. added onto the fact that i lived on my own. now? i've still got a nine to five, but i have many more family responsibilities, don't have a whole home to myself, and maintain a relationship with a boyfriend who lives an hour away. and soon? i'm gonna have to worry about gmats and grad school apps. AND. i really need to start looking for another job.

where the HELL am i going to find time to train?

in the grand scheme of things, everything else comes first. but how do i reconcile my strong desire to train and race and the finite number of hours in a day? the finite amount of energy i can put into the various pieces of my life?

i know i'm not alone in this. hell, there are executive mothers who train for 2 marathons and ironmans at a time with twin infants at home. everyone has a lot on their plate. why can't i seem to juggle everything too?

i kind of wish i hadn't signed up for this half marathon. i think the reason it weighs heavily on my mind is that if i'm gonna do it, i want to do it well. and it irks me that there just doesn't seem like there's enough time. it irks me that i'm unwilling? unable? to step things up and just bite the bullet and stop whining and just get off my ass and train like a good girl.

grrrrr....

but at the same time, i just can't abandon everything else and eat, sleep, and breathe training. i HAVE to get a new job. i HAVE to take the gmats. i HAVE to apply to business school. i WANT to be there for my family. i WANT to be there for my boyfriend. i WANT to catch up with friends.

the theme of my past posts all definitely point to me not having enough time for myself. downtime, not worrying about anything. doing exactly what i want, when i want, how i want, for whatever reason i want. even as i write this i get this icky knot in my stomach. i just want to run away.

i know that soon enough, things will shake down. and i'll get a handle on things. and what falls to the wayside, falls to the wayside. it'll all be good. but for now, i'm angsty :)

in other news, sg and i are headed to vegas tomorrow to meet up with my college friends. you know, for the the girls' trip that turned into the couple's trip. i have loads more to say about that but i've already blogged your ear (eyes?) off. i also have a race report from last friday to write. wherein i took my nephew to his first race! :)

but that will all have to wait. everyone's on vacavy anyway. be safe kids and have fun!

i need to lay off the carbs

because they're messing with my mood.

besides i'll be in vegas in 4 days. carb bloat won't fit into my halter dresses.

*sigh*

i think my mood lately pretty much confirms that i need a vacation. a proper vacation, not just fun, action packed three day weekends. in fact, i think it's the combination of my work weeks AND weekends that have been making my life too hectic. that and the end of summer marking serious get down to business with business school time.

so while i don't have any vacation time coming soon, the first two weekends in september are open and i plan to keep it that way. no bf, no family, no friends. just me. and whatever the hell i want to do. which may just very well be nothing.

well, eating. i WILL be eating!

on turning 30

unrelated to the main part of this post, i am in a crappy mood. had a great yoga session, where i confirmed that i am way too tight, followed by a crappy run cut short. i feel like i need a vacation and my mom is working my last nerve. but instead of dwelling on the crap, i'm posting something i wrote (and kept in drafts) earlier in the week about the fabulousness that has been turning 30.

in my rare downtime, i've been catching up on my blog reading and came across this post at she just walks around with it. as you all know, i've been very contemplative about turning 30 and have been talking about it since i turned 29. i've been eager to just get over my 20s already and move on to the next phase of my life. not to say my 20s weren't totally kick ass. because they were. despite all the turmoil that i (and most people do in their 20s) went through, i wouldn't trade it in for anything. i lament that it has probably taken me longer to grow up than most people, but i guess that's just the price you pay for being a kid at heart. and i'd rather be a kid than an adult any day :)

i had some ideas planned for the big 3-0 post. you know, lists of stuff i want to see, accomplish etc. for now, i've settled on this:

10 things about my past:

1. i always loved school. so much so that i chose to go to summer school. i very much enjoyed being "one of the smart kids".
   
2. i was a little shy as a kid. but puberty helped. boobs are useful in gaining friends, i guess.
3. going to college out of state was one of the best decisions i ever made.
4. returning home was also one of the best decisions i ever made.
5. i have been in love 3 times.
6. i spent way too much money.
7. i was way type-a.
8. i've always been grateful for my creative abilities.
9. i spent a lot of time trying to be "perfect".
10. i was kind of a snob.

10 things about my present:

1. i am the happiest i've ever been.
2. i'm a runner. and very much enjoy that i am active and fit, especially after a very non-athletic childhood.
3. i wish i kept up with my piano lessons though.
4. i am praying to the gods for a great gmat score and acceptance into b-school.
5. i find i'm happier being "balanced" over being "perfect"
6. i eat way too much.
7. i have found the love of my life.
8. i have embraced being dubbed "cute" and hope it means i'll always look young for my age.
9. i appreciate my loved ones much, much more. and hopefully do a good job in showing it.
10. i am starting to be deafened by the sound of my biological clock. for awhile i thought i didn't have one.

10 things about my future:

1. i will get an mba.
2. i will run more marathons.
   
3. i will marry sg.
4. i will have our babies. and they will be damned cute. and smart. (and they will be runners)
   
5. i will travel to greece, latin america, australia, italy, spain, and most of the 50 states. and anywhere sg wants to go. i will follow him to the ends of the earth, if need be.
   
6. i will be a working mom and teach my daughters to be strong and independent.
7. i will learn to: sew, surf, letterpress, screenprint, and take better pictures.
   
8. i also want to take up: gardening, light carpentry, and triathloning. i'd also like to brush up on my spanish and use it more often.
   
9. i want to do more: dancing, cooking, swimming, yoga, crafting.
10. i will always laugh more than i will cry.
    

how did that happen?

a month ago, i ran my fastest 6 miler ever in 1:17. i weighed in at 165 after losing 6 pounds in 18 days. tonight i ran a 7 miler in 1:33:39. and was shocked to see the scale read 163.5.

huh?

i'm not getting faster, which is no surprise since i am running at most twice a week. but how the hell did i manage to lose weight this month? have you SEEN what i've been doing the last month? what i've EATEN this month? it's a shock to me that i was able to run 7 miles at all!

i guess there really is something to this whole cross training thing. because even though i've skipped too many runs, i've replaced them with hikes and long walks. and i have managed to get in at least one medium to long run every week. but still. by no means does it feel like i'm training, yet i somehow manage to eke by AND lose weight?

this type b approach really works, man.

a blog is a lot of work

i have become one of those women who is too busy for a lot of things now that she has a boyfriend. grrr. in all honesty though, class was taking up a fair bit of time. and now that it's finally not my birthday (i've been celebrating since the 1st) things should HOPEFULLY get getting back to normal. but i know it really won't til after our trip to vegas on labor day.

i got a short run in on friday before the boy came down for the weekend. i managed to get in some other active time playing with the nephew, beating sg in a major way in mini golf, hiking, sweating to dance dance revolution, breaking in the new wii fit, and kayaking. not a total loss for the weekend. i wanted to get a long run in after the boy left tonight, but i have eaten my weight in carbs and my body is busy digesting. and evacuating. not a good time to run.

i started a post about my birthday celebrations, but in all honesty, i'm tuckered out for a full recap. check out my flickr page for photos and i'll give you the short recap now:

sg planned a weekend of surprises for me the first weekend of august where we went to the monterey bay aquarium, which i haven't been to in years! he arranged for us to take a boat around the bay. i don't know if it was the wine or the actual waves that made him sick, but the poor thing was heaving his lunch over the side of the boat. i did get video of a baby dolphin that was swimming along side the boat for a good portion of the trip. that night we got back to his apartment, and as a pizza baked in the oven we looked up at the stars out of his window and found the big dipper. and as we traced the spoon, a shooting star darted across the sky! a total "this only happens in the movies" kind of moment. but that's been my life since meeting him.

on sunday, he arranged dinner at the melting pot, where there were roses waiting for me at our private booth in the section of the restaurant called "lover's lane". and he even arranged for us to get our picture taken. seriously, if someone were telling me this story, this is the part i would fake barf, but really, it was all very sweet.

on monday, he managed to get club level tickets to the giants game, so i feigned ill and spent the day as a local.

the next weekend, i had a camping trip planned with the whole fam down in santa cruz. all 30 of us, and poor patrick. even my 92 year old grandma and newborn nephew camped! he was a hit with the fam, with the exception of my grizzly overprotective mama bear, who doesn't want to admit that she likes him. we ate 'round the clock, taught the kids how to swim, hula hooped, rode bikes, tie dyed tshirts, rode a mechanical bull, played ping pong, made smores. it was all good family outdoor fun.

on my actual birthday, i drove me and my parents up to sacramento to have dinner with my brothers, sil, and monchichi. nothing too crazy, though the girls at hooters had me stand on a chair and do a funky chicken like dance while they sang. yes, we went to hooters for my birthday. try the fried pickles next time you go.

next weekend, the monchichi and i are running the race for the arts 10k in sacramento. we're also celebrating my baby brother's 25th. i'm taking him to the infineon raceway for his birthday.

so you can see, it's been a busy busy summer. one i wouldn't trade for the world. but i promise i'll be back to my regular bloggy (and running) self soon. the san jose half won't run itself!

this is what 30 looks like

happy. healthy. confident. loved.

go shorty! it's your birthday!

and this is my future.


and as it is my birthday, i thought it would be fitting to post my 6 word memoir:

big laughs. big heart. big appetite.

more thoughts on hitting the big 3-0 later...as well as updates on the very busy past 2 weeks!

slow

i'm finally home. in my own bed. whew. work today wasn't too bad. mainly because i know it's even extra shorter because i have friday off too!

i did get in a nice long run on monday while the boy worked. i set out from his apartment atop russian hill, made my way down to ghiradelli square ran through the marina and made it all the way to chrissy field and along baker beach before i had to stop and pee. i wished i had more time to do to the golden gate, but my parking spot expired in 2 hours and i needed to hightail it back home.

it took me a little under 45 minutes for this portion, but i gave myself more time on the return trip because it was going to be uphill. and i mean UPhill. hyde street between beach and lombard are killer. KILLER! i tried to run every other block. and the tourists were amazed. honestly, i was amazed. one day i will conquer these hills without my hamstrings begging for mercy. i've seen people do it. and i will one day be one of those people.

i ended up getting lost, as i usually do. and ended up circling round and round until i asked a meter maid for directions. i made it back to my car in just a little over 2 hours. and even though i have run only 1 other time last week, this run felt easy, breezy, and FANTASTIC. and even though my ipod crapped out 30 minutes into my run, the weather and sights were so gorgeous i felt like i could have run forever. it gives me hope that a half marathon really is doable again.

i have also named this post slow because flickr is taking forever to upload my photos from this weekend. i don't blame it though. at last count, after deleting the duds and doing some quick photoshopping, it's uploading 305 photos. whew!

so i'll wait til i have the proper visual aids to do the show and tell of this weekend. trust me, it's worth it. right now, i need to massage the heck outta my legs. and oh yeah, a stats test to study for... grrrr....

time flies

has it really been a week since i last posted? have i really been that busy. the answer is yes! fu*k yes.

this is the last week of class, and i'm poised to get an a. i found out that i only need a 65 on the last test to keep my a! WOOT! my friend kb was visiting on friday, and we had a full day hiking at muir woods, picnicing at stinson beach, and cooling off in the ocean. from there we met up with sg, 3 of my cousins and my aunt for a ridiculously fantastic steak dinner at harris' in nob hill.

from there, we made our way to asiasf only to be pulled over by a cop for supposedly making a right hand turn from the wrong lane. BOO! totally not the case, but sg got hit with a $400 ticket. for something totally ridiculously lame. needless to say, that was a huge buzzkill and we all went home right after.

the rest of the weekend has been spent with my sg, learning of my birthday surprise and continuing to be the happiest, luckiest girl on earth. in fact, the fun hasn't yet stopped. the boy got bad@ss tickets to the giant's game through work and we're capping off our 4 day weekend at the ballpark. so i called out today and am planning my day in the city while he is at work.

so updates of our weekend will most likely follow on tuesday or wednesday once i finally upload the 1000 pictures i've taken in the last 4 days. i do plan on running today, finally. i'm so glad class will be over this week and i can REALLY start training...and looking for a job in san francisco.......

hope you all had a tenth of the weekend i've had!