tafetta, organza, and spandex

if i'm not working, i'm trying on wedding dresses. or working out. or cooking because healthy eating requires real food not passed through a drive-thru window. and have i mentioned all the driving? commuting. and getting lost trying to find god forsaken bridal shops. and back to the grocery store because we're going through grapes like they're going out of style. 'cause healthy food has a shelf life.

whew!

the good news is, i'm doing well and feeling well! i'm not getting cravings and it's getting easier to turn down invitations to lunch or sweets that make their way into the office. the scale is agreeing with me and i no longer ever feel bloated or slovenly during the day.

and today i zumba-ed! if that doesn't get me ready for my weddingmoon in st. lucia, i don't know what will! :)

such is life

pattycakes and i did an hour long walk in the neighborhood this am, logging about 3.2 miles, if gmaps pedometer is correct. it felt pretty good and it was nice to spend some time with him like that. it's been pretty busy around here, and with our conflicting work and therefore conflicting sleep schedules, qt with the honey has been sparse.

i also got some grocery shopping done and our fridge is stocked with all kinds of healthy goodies. i literally did avoid the inner aisles of the store and bought only produce, deli, meat, dairy, and frozen foods. i did make one detour into the inner aisles for some nail polish. but hopefully that doesn't contribute to weight gain :)

i spent the morning relaxing, which i haven't done in forever. i actually read a magazine, took a nap, and made lunch. without feeling harried or stressed.

until i got a call from the vw dealership about the status of my car. my check engine light has been on for some time now. last week, i got the code for the error, had the light cleared and tried to get my car smogged before my registration is due in dec. and i failed! apparently, when they clear the light, they clear the memory on the computer which results in an automatic fail, despite my emissions being perfect.

oh and did i tell you last week my car also died and i had to get a new battery? fun.

so to fix my check engine light issues, i have to fork over upwards of $400, then get the damned thing smogged so i can pay my registration before it expires. gah!

AND he tells me i need to replace the rotors on my brakes for both the front and back. and that will cost about $800! and should get done asap.



the good news is we do have the money to pay for all of this, and our wedding, and everything that goes with it. but just barely. i had to run the numbers again, jiggle our xmas budget a little, but we'll make it by the skin of our teeth. while i'm grateful that the numbers add up, i suffer great discomfort being so close to the edge.

i keep telling myself that i need to relax. that worrying solves nothing. so i came on to blog about it. maybe i also need to take another walk!

lacy underwear

i got to work early just so i could leave at a decent hour to get to the gym and run several other errands. but after lunch i made an executive decision that the gym was not in the cards today. and i had my underwear to blame. during my 30-ish minute walk at lunch, i got some, ahem, chafing, down there. not cool, dude. not cool. way painful. stupid frilly lace.

it's sad that i've outgrown my britches. a true sign that this exercise is desperately needed.

so instead, i opted to work late to get some projects finished to hopefully clear up some time i might have spent working this weekend. so far the only day i've gotten some real exercise was the 'mental health day' i took off on monday. the upside is that i've stuck to my eating plan save tuesday night after my car battery died. i even turned down a free pecan pie dessert. that has to count for something!

wherein i bitxh

so i took a 'mental health day' yesterday to do some errands and just relax. so of course when i get to work today everyone thinks i have cooties and treats me like i have the plague. the sympathy is nice, but not the 'ew you're dirty' vibes.

as for exercise all i could manage was a 35 minute walk at lunch. i was way too frickin' tired to get up this morning to get it done. prolly not a wise idea to start a new regimen the week we turn the clocks back.

the day at work drags by because i always feel like i have to act sorta sick on the the day back from a not-sick sick day. which has the effect of actually making me feel kinda sick. so the day just drags and drags. finally the clock turns 5:00 and i head home.

except my car won't start. gah!

i get it jumped and i'm on my way in the dark. in the rain. and in the traffic. boo. but i do make it home in one piece. i turned off my car and turned it back on again to see if it would work. no go. looks like i'm getting a new battery tomorrow morning. ugh!

so i actually get inside my apartment and start to put things away when i see them. a damned bag of oreos sitting right on the counter. i honestly want nothing more than to tear the bag open and scarf them all down.

but i don't. but i don't eat an entirely healthy dinner either. i had some leftover meatballs in sauce and some butternut squash. right now in the oven i have some sweet potato fries baking, which is sorta kinda breaking the rules. and i have no excuses. could be worse. could be better.

at least glee is on tonight!

i remember this feeling!

19:12 to the park, 15:45 back, 8:15 to our mailbox and back to cool off. for a total of 2.17 miles according to gmaps pedometer. i kinda like this strategy of walking out and walk/running back. it practically assures victory. and assures i don't get lazy towards the end.

i have to admit that even after my woo-rah post last night, i was really not feeling the idea of going out. i don't know exactly why. in my mind i had a good handful of reasons not to: i need to do laundry, i need to organize the office, i need to go to the bookstore etc. but ultimately i could not let sunshine go to waste and i got my arse out. and thank god i did.

i was sort of bitching and moaning on the way out, but by the end i felt pretty good. i definitely felt heavier and clunkier and my chest definitely did not feel as free and open as when i was in shape, but overall it felt good.

as for diet, i've decided that the plan that gets me the best results overall is protein+veggies+fruits. ixnay on the sugar, bread, potatoes, rice etc. i figure i will eat like a good girl until thanksgiving where i will let myself enjoy dinner, then will climb back up on the saddle until christmas. i won't be running so much that i'll 'need' the easy carbs in the next few weeks. hopefully i can drop about 10 lbs by the end of the year and i can reassess my plan then.

on another note, my passport came in the mail today! 116 days until we leave for st. lucia! and 122 days til mspetiteamerica becomes a mrs!

sick and tired

dudes. i just signed up for my first race in far too long. i'm 'doing' a 5k turkey trot this year. yes i'm going to walk it, but damnit isn't that where we all start?

'cause i'm tired of feeling fat. i'm tired of feeling lazy. and i'm tired of talking about the days i used to run.

also, that saturday, i'm trying on wedding dresses.

because i'm getting married on a tropical island in 4 months.

i seriously need to get my ass in gear.

i'm tired of excuses. i'm tired of being tired. i'm tired of feeling out of control and depressed and angry.

i spent some time rereading some entries on my blog and i just wanna do it already. find myself through running again.

i am under no delusions of trying to be what i was in my 20s. i want my 30s to feel much more awesome. because i am a different person now. in a lot of ways i feel better and stronger than i have before. but in a lot of ways i feel more beat down and weighed down.

but no more. no more. i'm doing this.

thrifty

i went to a couple thrift stores this week and walked out with a lot of loot for a little cash. i got:

1. an ann aylor sweater
2. a banana republic sweater
3. a ny&CO wrap top
4. a banana republic jacket
5. brand new (tags still on it) corset

for $25!!!

i couldn't have gotten one of those items for that price at the retail store! i have this odd fantasy of finding my wedding dress at a thrift store.

i get this great rush from finding a 'gem' within the mess. and paying so little for it. i also love when i can find things that are unique that no one else is wearing anymore. i especially love finding awesome things for the house that somehow go together but i didn't buy all at one at a store to be matchy matchy.

i originally went in to find a halloween costume, which i failed at. but patrick did like the new corset it got :)

this is not a coincidence

i don't think it's coincidence that...

...the month patrick loses all patience for living at my parents' house, i get a new job that makes it possible for us to afford it.

...after a few months of being creatively bored at that job, i get an offer at a new job that i had been eying for months, even if it is only part-time.

...the week my freelancing extra money gig ended, my full time status at the new job started.

...the month patrick's unemployment runs out, he gets a part-time job.

...when we expect one expense to increase, another decreases.

...the amount in our savings account is enough to cover our destination elopement and a modest emergency fund.

...i contact the travel agent we spoke to over a year ago just in time to qualify for a 50% off promotion for the resort we want.

...the time i really decide i need to start working out again, i get a generous gift card for a bootcamp class from a friend AND an offer for a free 3 month gym membership. that's 4 months of free workout resources.

--------

i know i've been stressed, super stressed about money and how everything will work out. but i look at how things have unfolded and i can't help but feel utterly grateful and blessed and humbled. here i am, this teeny tiny mortal trying so desperately to keep everything together when honestly stronger forces are out there keeping an eye on me. on us.

not that i'll ever stop worrying or working. because i believe that god helps those who help themselves. but i'm hoping that i can learn to be more cognizant of my blessings on a more regular basis. maybe then i can worry less and feel happier overall.

counter offer

so i've been at my new job for 3 weeks now and so far so good. the commute is easier than i expected and i feel like i'm acclimating well to the people and the environment. it's not perfect, but it's definitely a step in the right direction.

meanwhile, i've been doing some work for my old company to help them while they find my replacement. i was in the office last friday for a few hours when i was approached by my old manager. she expressed difficulty in finding a suitable replacement and asked how much extra it would take to keep me there. WHA? she threw out the number $20k and asked if that would be enough to change my mind and to let her know by monday or the next 5 minutes. i told her i couldn't make that decision on my own and would have to let her know on monday.

so i left feeling pretty ecstatic! sure there were non-monetary reasons why i left but an extra 20k!? that's hard to pass up. i told my patrick about the offer, told my family, and he told his family. all weekend i thought crap what am i gonna do?

and when i finally got home from our camping trip this weekend, i researched how to accept a counter-offer when low and behold all the career advice i found pointed to DON'T ACCEPT COUNTER OFFERS! they warned that they are mainly stalling techniques used by employers to buy them time to find less expensive replacements when they are good and ready to let you go. and once your loyalty is in question, it's very hard to gain favor if you go back. i read a statistic: 80% of those who accept a counter offer are usually not with the company in 6 months. regardless of whether that exact number is true, i hadn't even THOUGHT of the possibility that their "generous" offer had more to do with them and less to do with me. silly and naive of me, eh? and not one person in my family or patrick's family thought that either.

so i'm prepared to reject the offer. but it's been a gut wrenching weekend. to have to wrestle with the pros and cons AGAIN of each job, to day dreaming about what all that extra money could do for us, to having those dreams disappear in a poof! has been very emotionally draining. it's like an ex-boyfriend toying with you after you've broken up with him.

i seriously, seriously need a vacation.

new digs

i'm here now.

i needed a space that wasn't just about my running (failures). i needed a fresh start.

weight watchers

what we've been up to:

1. i've been at the new job for a little over 2 months now but have been given an offer from another firm i applied to back in january. new place would mean a 20% cut in pay but a lot more opportunity for more creative and interactive work that i think will be better for my career in the long term. all signs point to me taking it, but we still have some details to iron out.
2. patrick and i are in our 3rd week of weight watchers. so far i've lost 5 lbs and patrick has lost 7. i was just so sick and tired of being fat, feeling fat, and most of all feeling out of control. i knew i needed something or someone to be accountable to. and i knew i needed a plan. everyone i know who has used weight watchers has succeeded so i decided i would just bite the bullet and do it. i resisted for a variety of reasons that i'm embarrassed to admit. i felt like WW was for old, fat people who don't know anything about nutrition or who are all weepy and needy for a support group. i guess i felt superior because i was young(ish) and have a decent history of running and athletic achievements under my belt. i didn't need anyone. i could just do it myself.
   
   i have a wedding for a college friend at the end of august and my brother's wedding in october. and i knew that 1. i did not want to be at the same weight i am now and 2. i feared i might be even bigger. so i knew i needed help. what i was doing (or more correctly, not doing) wasn't working. so i signed up and pattycakes came along to lose his own extra baggage and support me.
   
   so far, so good. it's the easiest diet i've been on by far. it helps that i've set some conservative and realistic goals by my august and october mini-deadlines. essentially, i'm just stoaked that i'll be smaller than i am now. i hope to lose between 40 and 50 lbs total by the end of the year. my realistic goal is to maintain a size 8 comfortably. shimmying down to a size 6 or even a 4 feels like too much stress at this point. and for now i've forgone any racing goals. starting yet another new job, paying down my debt, and losing 20% of my body weight is work enough, thank you very much :)
   

feeding schedule

this week i've started an eating schedule and so far it's helped keep my energy level all day. i don't feel all 'starved' and then feel the need to stuff my face with whatever until i am in pain. though i am still having trouble stopping before i'm full at dinner. mainly because i enjoy my time cooking at home that i just want to keep enjoying the food i made! so i have been getting post dinner drowsiness which lately has also resulted in a nap. i nap also while i'm waiting for pattycakes to finish his online gaming. the nap doesn't really interfere with my sleeping pattern, though. and i can still wake up the next morning without an alarm clock. it just makes my evenings less productive because i've slept for 2 hours instead of doing something.

and for my information, i am posting my eating schedule. because i am sure the interwebs is not all the interested :)

7:30 am: some random healthy hot oat cereal with flax and stuff. hot water.
9:30 am: half a turkey sandwich with cheese and a handful of cashews. more water.
11:30 am: lunch: usually leftovers, a chicken and sausage casserole i made, or canned soup. agua.
1:30 pm: snack: one day it was hot cocoa. the next day it was 4 lil cookies. or strawberries.
3:00 pm: fruit and a cheese stick. as agua.
4:30 pm go home. 5:00 start dinner.
dinner= free for all. one night we ate at a mexican restaurant. the night after that i had dumplings. last night i made fried chicken. most nights i'll have water. but sometimes i'll have juice or a small gatorade. just 'cause it's tasty.

not necessarily the most healthy choices, but i feel like i am eating less. and the regular breaks in my day to eat keep me sane at work. i've been eating my lunch at my desk, which frees my actual hour break for later in the day where i can go outside (even if it is in my car because let me tell you the pollen count here is insane. i tried going for a walk one day but had to take cover inside after only 5 minutes.)

normally, i'm a morning workout person. but it's still dark at 5:30am when i get up. and i would have to get up at 5 am to get in some decent workout time. i'm sure i could do it, but for now the easiest idea seems to get my workout in before dinner. or after instead of taking a nap! i think today i am going to try getting home and instead of changing into my comfy clothes, change into something suitable for taking a walk. and then come home to make dinner. if walking turns out to be allergy disaster, i'll have to resort to in-house workouts which are not as appealing.

housekeeping

domestic life is pretty uneventful around here. we're making a little more progress every day and patrick is getting to see the nazi/ocd/everything must be in order side of me. at my parents' house i was very lax and lazy about things. but now that i'm in my own space with my own things, i get kind of fanatical about everything being just perfect. the fact that i got up off the couch to rearrange a pillow kind of scared him and turned him on at the same time.

here are some other thoughts rattling around in my brain:

1. i'm getting more comfortable with the idea of setting a date for our wedding next year. my initial thoughts are sept/oct somewhere on the west coast, maybe hawaii, maybe even mexico.
2. that in mind, we're gearing up to start our actual wedding fund. i have 1 more high interest rate credit card to pay off, but once that's done, i think i'll start paying just a little bit over the minimum on my student loan and one remaining card and dump the rest into our wedding fund. i've heard that money market savings account can build more interest but i haven't done the research on how they work and how much we'll need up front just to reserve a place and date. we are planning on funding the wedding ourselves. even if our parents can offer some help, we would rather do our very best to keep it within our own means and use the extra help for things like buying a house and paying down my debt.
3. my car is leaking coolant. boo. just because we have money saved for these kinds of things doesn't mean i am too keen on spending it. i can't complain too much though because my car is 8 years old and hasn't had a thing wrong with it in that time.
   
4. i really really really want to start running again. but holy effing chr!$t! i am so ridiculously out of shape. that and my allergies are kicking my ass right now. i tried to go on a walk on my lunch hour today and within 5 minutes i was a teary eyed, sneezy mess. we're also allergic to our new apartment complex. we love all the shade the big trees provide (yay for not using the A/C!). but we hate their pollen. the thought did occur to me today though to bust out my workout dvds and get my sweat on in the living room. i also have until june 5 to use my old gym. and it is on the way to and from work. so i have no excuse.
5. i much prefer cooking in my own kitchen. in fact, i love it. it's relaxing.
6. our fridge is not nearly big enough. it's like we have to choose between whether we want to store beer or the brita.
   
7. did i tell you we got a new bed? a KING sized bed! a glorious simmons beautyrest black. our bed is like what the beds are like in heaven. i have no idea how in the world a bed could satisfy me, who wants firm support, and patrick who wants to sleep on a a marshmallow. but it does. oh, it does. and it's so ginormous. i not only want to have seks on the bed i want to have seks with the bed.
8. i so very much want a vacation. i want to plop myself in the sand under an umbrella, cool off in the ocean, drink beers and mojitos, stuff my belly silly of really good food i can't get at home, and not worry about how much it all costs.
9. patrick has some very good leads on a couple of jobs. he even had an offer for a position...in LAS VEGAS. too little, too late. vegas seems to have never been in the cards for us. but please continue to send the good mojo our way. he really needs this.
   

i think that's all for now. happy friday jr. to you all and if i don't log on before sunday, happy mother's day!

home sweet home

whew! pattycakes and i are all moved in and slowly getting settled. we started moving some things over friday after work, then on saturday morning/afternoon. but sunday was the large haul. so we're sore and recovering from a weekend of high pollen counts. yet my handsome house husband has been trudging through the boxes to get things put away and organized. i suspect that by the end of the week, it will be in decent enough shape for me to take and post some photos. even though nothing will be on the walls and such.

it's funny the compromises you make when fitting 2 people's things into 1 home. i got the bigger closet. he got to put his desk by the window. i am most certainly not used to seeing so much sci-fi paraphanalia. and i'm sure he doesn't quite understand why i take up so much bathroom storage. it's the first time either of us is living with a partner, and we're excited that this big step has been reserved for each other.

Telephone Remake

pattycakes and i are moving this weekend! squeeee!!

so while we work, and hopefully don't break our backs, enjoy this lady gaga remake from some of our men overseas in afganistan.

see you on the flip side!

moving on

**per my previous post, i think i need to not blog when i'm pmsing. i sound so angsty**

this past weekend was spent avoiding packing. so we went to the drive-in, dinner in sonoma, and finally santa cruz beach boardwalk. with a week left before the big move, i am forced to finally get my shiz together. i spent most of tonight going through my clothes since it's about time to switch out the winter gear for the spring gear. as it stands, i would say i actually have 2, maybe even 3, wardrobes. my skinny wardrobe and my current size wardrobe (i refrained from calling it fat) and my in-between. the last time i did a major overhaul of my clothes was when i moved about 3.5 years ago. and tonight i did a pretty thorough purge of any last relics from my 20's. because let's face it, i'm going to be 32 this year. i can't wear that kinda stuff no mo'. and i'm no longer a size 4. sure i dream that i could be again, but honestly, a size 8 would suffice. and that size is probably more realistic. i doubt i will ever be in a time in my life again where being skinny is my only goal. i ended up filling 2 very large trashbags worth of clothes for goodwill. some clothes i kept too long for sentimental reasons, or because they were gifts. some clothes i just wore to death because i loved. and some clothes i bought to help tide me over between sizes. and some i bought 'cause that was just the trend. i look at all these discarded clothes and shoes and think about all the wasted money. it's hard to maintain a wardrobe of so many sizes and seasons.

patrick has agreed to give me the bigger closet in our 2 bedroom apartment. thankfully we have a situation where we don't have to share one. if there is any question as to where my debt came from, you can look at the piles and piles of clothes and shoes i've donated through the years and my increasing waist line from eating out and partying. (though the evidence of that hasn't shown up til now)

in the merging of our two lives into one space, it's just selfish and irresponsible of me to be so fixated with 'stuff'. especially stuff that gets put in a drawer, or a closet, or a box and rarely sees the light of day. and when i think about all the things i discarded or gave away only 4 years ago when i moved cross-country, and the boat-load of more crap i've amassed in just 4 years, i feel so wasteful. i'd like it so we just have what we really love, really need, and really use. for environmental, financial, and emotional well-being.

no more extra stuff. because it just becomes extra baggage.

wedding etiquette & family drama

enticing blog post title, eh?

i don't know if i've mentioned it before, but my baby brother is getting married in october. i don't remember if i went into the whole drama that was their getting engaged and announcing it. an attempt at a short version: his gf (who i've written on this blog way back who i don't really like very much) apparently proposed to my brother. and they set a date for this year, knowing full well that if they got married this year, patrick and i couldn't because of some weird family superstition about siblings getting married in the same year. so even though patrick and i were engaged first, they went and got engaged and set a date without asking us or giving us a heads up.

and when i mean they, i really mean she. maybe i'm being overly sensitive because i don't like her to begin with. but obviously it wasn't my brother's idea to get it done sooner rather than later otherwise he would have done the proposing. she stepped it up because it was on her agenda.

anyway, i've been able to let it go because honestly i am not ready to get married quite yet. call me old fashioned but i require that my partner have a job in order to get married. and at the time we were still living in my parents house. how can we be married when we can't even take care of ourselves?

patrick didn't seem to agree and was LIVID! and will probably always be to some degree angry at them 'for what they did' and at me for accepting it. if he had his way, we would planning a wedding now, if not be married already. how we would have paid for it, i have no clue. anyway, his displeasure at the situation has not gone unnoticed and it wasn't until recently that he apologized to my brother's gf. though he told me he did it more to smooth the water and he didn't really mean it.

so that's the back story. but apparently the new drama is, is that patrick feels slighted that he isn't involved in their wedding somehow. i am a bridesmaid. though i think i was a last minute addition. regardless, i would have said yes to any request from my brother because he is my brother. even though she asked me in a totally lame way by email, giving me only a week's notice before dress fittings. so yes i am a bridesmaid. one of eight.

i didn't really think of patrick not being in the wedding because we have so much family. and they have sooooo many close friends that they've grown up with that in their list of most important people patrick probably trails very far towards the end, even though he will technically be family. part of me thinks we've been together less than 2 years and he kinda goes out of his way to not be involved if he can. and suddenly he wants to be in their wedding? when he was so livid about them getting married this year?

i'm so confused.

i'll admit he's had a hard time getting in good with the family. including the extended family. it's not that they necessarily have anything against him. i just don't think anyone has anything in common with him. besides me. the majority of my family are boys. the girls that marry in get along with each other because they have that in common. and they get along with the few girls in the family because well, girls play better together, i think. but patrick, and any other boy that tries to marry into the family has their work cut out for them. they've got to try to get in good with an established pack of males. and patrick's the first to try to do that. my cousin had a long time boyfriend who did get in good with them but 1. he was filipino. and 2. he was into sports and poker like them. patrick has nothing in common with anyone in my family. he's managed to feel comfortable with a couple of my older cousins and the sister-in-law i do like. but that's about it.

and at the same time that he wants to be included, he doesn't. he says, 'even though i know i'll say no, and they know i'll say no, it's still nice to be asked'. i get it kinda, but for the most part that seems ludicrous.

i recognize that the role my family plays in my life is probably much more intense than other people. and i make no apologies for that. it's who i am. it's who we are. and it's something that i'm actually quite proud of. and if you've ever seen 'my big fat greek wedding', you'd understand. just substitute filipino for greek. i have pushed all this family vs. patrick drama to the back of my mind because it was all i could do to focus on other things. and i am still hoping and praying that with time and with us having our own place and soon our own family that things will work themselves out to something resembling civility.

a change in momentum

this week started off super stressful but day by day turned totally frickin' awesome. i feel much better at and about work. i think the first 2 days were just pure brain overload. that and all the crazy crap my boss was pumping into my head to prepare me for the politics and shiz that can be involved. but once she got that out of the way, i could finally get my hands dirty with some work and i felt much more at ease. maybe i'm a huge nerd but i love, love, love doing a good job at work and it feels good to get good feedback so soon.

and even though i just started on monday, i got my first paycheck on thursday! frickin' sweet huh? so i get to send off a nice fat payment to one of my credit cards to finally put it to death. woot! also when i left my last job i got a check for unused vacation time! on top of that, i'm getting a few hundred from uncle sam. it feels like i won the lottery! not really, but the extra cash has been helpful in us getting some things for the new apartment, pay for moving, and for some new clothes for work since i mainly wore regular clothes to my last job. it feels nice to have that cushion. and even when my check engine light came on yesterday i didn't necesarily panic. luckily i have a very handy brother and he was able to diagnose the problem (for free! yay brother) and find and change the part for a mere $9.

as if things weren't good enough, patrick got notice from EDD that his unemployment has been extended. while most of me is guilty that we have mooched from the state for this long, i am glad we have that income coming in. it will keep us from dipping into our savings while helping us to keep building it as well. he's also getting a pretty good refund back. and he might have some good job news soon...

things have changed A LOT this week. and i can finally pause and breathe. i'm hoping that this is just the beginning. but for now, i'm concentrating on living in the moment and counting my blessings. on the drive to work this morning, i even thought i might be ready to start training for a big race again. oh, the crazy thoughts i get in my head when i'm happy! :)

day 3 = much better. i finally got to do some actual work. slowly getting my area situated. the person before me and the person before him seems to have been very disorganized because i'm still trying to connect some pieces and physically find everything. like today i had to take some product photography. after i finally found the cabinet key to access the camera, i found that the batteries in the camera were dead. but they were rechargable, so i thought there must be a charger... somewhere. not anywhere near the camera stuff, not in any outlet. then i saw like 4 sets of rechargeable batteries in a drawer, none of which worked. i couldn't find the tripod, which i would assume you would keep with the rest of the camera stuff, right?

it feels like they just let the previous dude run his own thing because no one knows anything about anything in the one-man show that is graphics. so i've got navigate my way and try to think like this other dude thought in order to find stuff. very frustrating. it will feel good when i can get things situated more logically (to me, anyway) and NEATLY! dude was a hot mess.

other than that, everyone has been super duper nice. going out of their way to welcome me and stop in and say hi.

that's all for now, peeps. sorry it's been work-heavy 'round here. i've been adjusting to my new schedule and just finally feeling not so stressed. so i feel a little more caught up on sleep and such now. i've got 2 weeks to pack before we move and i'm hoping that by mid-may, i can be in a groove with work, the new place, and a normal life :)

the dirt

i spent most of the day at a sales meeting with the company's sales reps and listening to manufacturer presentations. here are my thoughts about my new job, in no particular order.

1. it still feels weird to be part of a 'company'. in the mere 2 days since i've gone 'corporate', i now fully appreciate the movie 'office space'. i didn't realize how different a creative environment was to a place where they use the words 'profit margin' and 'back door deals'. while i've done a lot of work for corporate clients, this feels different. and honestly, kind of yucky. i much prefer having other creatives to rub shoulders with. not sales people and accountants.
   
2. i feel very much that this company, this industry in general, is one big boy's club.
3. i am the youngest person in the office. again.
   
4. i found out my direct boss, the marketing manager, is prego. two months prego. while i always try to remain positive, all i thought was 1. sh!t. hormones. and 2. f*ck. who's going to shield me from the scary suits who don't understand a lick about design and the process?
5. do people really enjoy wearing suits? who invented them anyway? thank god i don't have to wear them, but can't i go back to jeans?
6. my normal design style and the company's 'style' (if you want to call it that) are very, very different. they knew that. i know that. how in the hell am i going to find middle ground? while these men may know a lot about business, they are pretty much neanderthals when it comes to any sense of design or style. these are the kinds of people who always want the logo bigger. and they think that because i do this on a computer that it's some kind of instantaneous thing.
7. i will have a lot of people to please. my boss has said as such. they are expecting a lot from me.
8. *gulp*
9. and while i am confident i can rise to the challenge under most circumstances, i am in uncharted territory when it comes to me vs. the suits.
   
10. but all i can do is do my best. do my homework. and pay attention.
    
11. ultimately, i am looking at this as an opportunity to grow. get out of my comfort zone and grow as a designer. elevate them to a level they never thought possible. and do work that i never thought i could do. (in a good way. not in a i-sold-my-soul-to-the-devil kind of way)
12. i should probably not keep blogging about work unless i want to turn the way of the dooce. because even though she is wildly successful, i don't want her life.
    

different

you know how you feel when you've just flown to a totally different time zone, maybe even a whole other country, and you're trying to figure out where everything is? and even simple things like the street signs look different. and you've finally made it to your hotel and you can finally sit down and relax, but your mind is still reeling from taking it all in.

that's kinda how i feel right now after my first day of work. it's not good or bad. just different.

i can already tell that going from an agency setting to an in-house setting will really take some getting used to. going from a creative environment to a business/corporate/bottom line environment is also going to take a lot of getting used to. it's not overly oppressive. just different.
i'm trying my best to refrain from making any hard judgments this early in the game that may cloud or color my experience. after all, it is just the first day!

for the most part, right now i am 1. happy to have a job. 2. happy to be making more money. 3. happy to be working at a place where everyone seems genuinely friendly and welcoming! (where several people complimented my shoes)

tomorrow i get to go to a (really long) sales meeting at an office an hour and a half away. so it'll be me and my new boss in a car for 3 hours total tomorrow...not to mention glad-handing the entire sales staff, vendors, and manufacturers. should be...interesting?

one giant step

i start my new job on monday! i'm not exactly sure what i feel. i'm nervous, a little. i'm excited, a little. but for the most part i think i just want to dive in and get the weird beginning 'probationary' part over. i was telling patrick that i was still slightly disappointed that las vegas didn't work out. and i think it's because most of me is not happy living in the suburbia i grew up in. it's not a bad place. it just bores me to tears. and while the las vegas job would have been probably less creative than the one i took here, the adventure in a new city certainly excited me.

but feeling that way prevents me from seeing all the positives.

1. i get to stay close to my family, specifically my most adorable nephew.
2. i'm getting paid well.
3. i can still explore lots of california that i haven't explored.
4. i believe i can make more of an impact at this position than the other and maybe most.

i really must remember to focus on the positives.

another positive: patrick and i are getting our own apartment. FINALLY! the original plan was to stay at my parents' place until he found something, but things were starting to come to a head between him and my dad if those two spend any more time together in the house alone all day. so i figured to save my own sanity and preserve any shot of a good relationship between my future husband and his future in-laws, we needed to get our own space. we found a great deal at a quiet apartment complex in the next town over and we move in at the beginning of next month!

now while this is exciting news, my brain's energy is mostly focused on being totally super kick ass at this new job. so i don't think my brain has fully processed the weight of this next big step. i mean HELLO! i'm moving in with a DUDE! that i'm going to MARRY! lease is signed! hello!

on the one hand, i AM excited. we have wanted this for forever. on the other hand, i am still nervous about his unemployment. no matter what i do to improve the situation, until he finds gainful employment in an actual career, i can't relax. forget that he's still receiving unemployment checks for who knows how long. forget that we have money saved. forget that his parents are willing to float his boat (apparently indefinitely). i feel nervous being in a relationship where the other person can't fend for himself. it bothers me that he has no idea what he really wants to do in life. how can i rely on someone so directionless?

in the last few months i have come to the realization that perhaps i have the most potential for being the breadwinner of the family. which is not that weird in this day and age. most of my girl friends from college make significantly more than their spouses. in fact, i know a couple where the husband got laid off last year and remained unemployed so that he could stay home with the baby they had a few months ago. while that works for them, i'm not so sure that would work for me. as much of a 'feminist' as i claim to be, i want the man to work. and i want the option to figure out a work/stay home scenario. it sounds sexist and wrong, but i want my husband to be able to take care of me and my family. and i have strong doubts as to patrick's ability to do that.
i know that his unemployment is temporary and he will be able to find something. but what is that something exactly when he has no clear career goals or skills for that matter? again, what is it that i have to rely on?

i can't bring this up with him because it just makes him more depressed and despondent. and really how do you tell someone 'yeah i am really doubting your ability to be a real man?' i already know he feels emasculated by the whole situation anyway. but i'm hoping that being out on our own will put him in a better mood and frame of mind to make things happen.

in the meantime, i need to focus on the positive. something will work out. that something will be great. i must not lose faith.

CHEERS!

DUDES!!!!

i got a new jobby job!!

**dances the running man**

WOOT!

not only did i rock the socks off the marketing manager and general manager of this company but i was able to negotiate a higher salary than they originally offered! that is the first time i've EVER done anything like that in my entire life. and all i can say is THANK GOD i finally grew a pair and asked for what i was worth :) i'm honestly more proud of myself for that than i am for landing the job. seriously, being an adult totally rocks :)

and to top it off, when i gave notice at my current job they were totally sad. and bummed. and fear-stricken. not to toot my own horn but i knew they were thinking, 'shit. what the hell are we going to do without her?' because i do a lot. way more than my job description. honestly, they've gotten so used to me figuring out any problem or question, from small to big things that they've become lazy in learning and figuring things out themselves. and what they've entrusted me to there will be nearly impossible to teach anyone or even try to write down in the 2 weeks i have left.

but i felt really touched when my boss said that they were really sad to lose me. and that i was a really valuable employee. i confided that i considered asking for a raise, but figured since they were cutting everyone's hours that it was going to be impossible. and he said, i should have asked because he would have said yes! he said that i should never be afraid for ask for things like that, and that's what gave me to balls to negotiate a higher salary at my new gig.

so boo-yah!

here's to working hard. and working harder. and always always always finding a way to grow and be valuable to your team.

my new job isn't glamorous. it isn't Las Vegas. and it's in the same small sleepy suburban town that i live in now. but with what they're paying me i can be DEBT FREE in a year!! i can get web design experience that i don't currently have. and i get the feeling they hired me because of my extensive corporate branding experience. so i hope to be instrumental in bringing a fresh look to this company, standardizing their corporate identity, and getting them up to speed on email marketing campaigns which they don't currently take advantage of. and that my friends, is very exciting stuff for me. even if it does deal with wholesale flooring supplies ;)

if you would have asked my 22 year old design graduate self if i would have found that kind of work exciting, i would have rolled my eyes and said hell no. but what i've learned over the course of my 10 year career is that everyone deserves good design. and if i can help flooring supplies get sold so that people can have houses to live in and buildings to work in and places to play, then hey i'm pretty happy about that.

thank you guys for all your support. it's been so rough. and i know it's been rough for a lot of people out there. and all i can say is, keep the faith, keep at it and most of all, believe in yourself.

i feel like celebrating

the interview went really well. we saw eye to eye on a lot of things and was pleased to hear her keep saying 'good! good!'. it also appears our salary expectations are similar, which was what i was worried about the most. i will hear soon as to whether i get called back for a second interview at the end of the month. and from what it sounds like, i'm the only currently employed designer they are interviewing. hmmmm?

small miracle

i have survived 2 days with no snacking and no eating past 6:30. we even went on a walk each day.

i <3 spring.

maybe too late to slim down and tone up for bikini season, but i'll take any steps toward good health any day.

forward

i have another interview! on thursday!

the official word

Las Vegas called. she said she really liked me and really wanted to hire me but that they were pressured to go with an internal candidate. but she said she would definitely keep me in mind if a position opened up. she sounded pretty disappointed. and i felt better because i really felt like we hit it off and that it was gonna be a good fit. and at least i wasn't imagining that. so now we're linkedin and hopefully my good impression will lead to something.

so i guess for all the ways to be rejected, that was the best possible way. it reaffirms that i've still got it and like i said earlier a good interview is still a victory.

so we plod along again. opportunity is on the horizon. i know it.

no news is still news?

no word yet. and technically they are still within their deadline. they should have finished their interviews sometime last week. so it's not entirely bad that i haven't heard back yet. but i'm tired of waiting. tired of giving myself mini-heart attacks every time my phone goes off or my inbox gets a new email. and i've resisted the urge to post every day about the waiting. oh the waiting. because who wants to read a blog post every day that read, 'nothing yet. my impatience grows. looking for vodka.'?

i haven't been able to keep my mind off of it. i try and think happy positive thoughts. to, you know, sway the universe. even though i've done everything i can do at this point. then i try to think 'realistically' and brace myself for the possible rejection. but some part of me isn't ready to give up and say no until the fat lady sings. then i try to distract myself. but work is only frustrating the hell out of me right now. and once i get home my idle mind just swirls and swirls in its own worry and impatience.

i still haven't even unpacked from the trip. or put away the laundry i did before i left. i'm a mess.

and it's sad. or is the right word pathetic? i just can't get my mind unstuck from waiting. it's my least favorite thing to do. and i am very bad at it.

part of me feels that if i was their first choice i would have heard back by now, considering it seemed like they wanted to find someone sooner rather than later. and that the only reason i haven't heard back is because they are still waiting for their first choice to accept their offer. and the more time passes, the less my chances are of being called with good news.

granted it's only tuesday. so i think, maybe they haven't decided yet. maybe they haven't gotten everything approved by corporate. maybe. maybe. maybe.

it's so frustrating because i felt like i totally nailed the interview. it really felt like one of the best interviews i ever gave/had. though i do recognize that everyone else may have given the interview of their lives and while i believe i am fully qualified (if not over-qualified), i am sure every candidate they interviewed was qualified too. i know that a rejection at this point doesn't mean i didn't do awesome and that i am not qualified. it just means that i wasn't the right fit.

but at this point, i'm sick of hearing 'you're great but we are slow and not hiring' or 'you're great, but no thank you'. i hate my job. i want out. and i know i can do better. something's gotta give.

because i have wrought myself sick over this already, i have decided that the answer must be 'no' and i have to move on. (especially since i sent a follow up email this morning and haven't yet received a response, even though their normal response time has been 24hrs) i am sick of this holding pattern. i must return to the land of the living and functional.

UPDATE: i feel much saner now after having written this. thank you blogger.

march, already?

...and i'm back.

and i gave one of the best interviews i've ever given. i was a little nervous going in, but once i started talking it was so easy and natural. i would be surprised if i didn't get the job. but i'm not counting on it either. i mean what if everyone else gave the interview of their lives? regardless, though, i'm am very proud of my effort and it was such a boost to know i've still got it together. ya dig?

we weren't totally debaucherous in sin city, since we were there for business and for less than 36 hours. though i did have a run in with my nemesis, tequila, after my interview. the drive there and back, adjusting to the dryness of the desert, and the indoor second hand smoke took a pretty good toll on us. we got home late sunday night, i had jury duty in the morning, was relesased by 10:30 to go back to work and fix shit that got messed up in the day i was gone. so i got home monday night, ate dinner, then slept.

now i feel more normal. and must resume my lenten promise. my body feels all outta whack and i need to be good to it again.

p.s. keep praying. they have other candidates to interview this week, so i should know sometime next week.

can i get an amen?

this time tomorrow, pattycakes and i will be on the road to las vegas. i have a job interview on friday afternoon. i have a good feeling about this one. send us happy thoughts, yeah? thanks :)

boost

so i fully admit i do not have the healthiest habits in the world. or even on the block. i kept telling myself i should take a multivitamin or something. but i am so adverse to popping any kind of pill. it's hard enough for me to remember to take the meds i have to take.

but one day i was bored and i went to target and i remembered that my 4 year old nephew loves to take his gummy vitamins. and i thought, hey, i like candy! i'll take candy vitamins too! i thought i would have to double dose on a kids vitamin, but they have gummy vitamins for adults too! yay!

they even have OMEGA 3s in gummies! hurrah! no nasty huge ass fish oil pill to take. i heard you burp up fish oil all day. groddy to the max. so i bought a bottle of target brand berry gummy multis for adults and a lil critters omega 3 gummies.

and being the kid that i am i look forward to taking my vitamins. i usually have them after lunch as my 'dessert'. it's like eating a pack of fruit snacks or something. i've found that in the month i've been using them i'm a lot more, ahem, regular, if you know what i mean. and my nails and hair have grown a lot faster.

i have since done some online research and found that there is an adult gummy version of the omega 3s, but i think i'll stick to the kids one since it seems to be working well for me. i know that taking vitamins isn't a novel idea, but still i thought i'd share anyway. the gummy verisons rock!

can't get this outta my head.

i want her trainer.

a new season

they say that most new years resolutions have fizzled by valentines day. a mere 45 days into the year! but today provides another opportunity for renewed resolve: ash wednesday the beginning of lent. 40 days and 40 nights of reflection and repentance.

now i understand not everyone is catholic, and many catholics just use this time as a social exercise to gripe about giving up chocolate or soda or facebook. but regardless of your faith or practice, it's never a bad idea to focus inwardly and build yourself up for the new season of spring.

my lenten practice this year will be about being more mindful of my body: what i put into it, how i treat it, take care of it, and appreciate it.

thanks

thanks for all of your responses. ya'll made it quite clear to me that this is not my responsibility (even though it has been my stress for the last year) and it just took a HUGE load off of my shoulders. not that i don't have my own shiz to take care of. but trying to carry it all just about did me in. but now, i feel lighter. and stronger. to carry out my end of the bargain and take of business.

and not that i want to dwell, but more as a note to myself, i have this habit of wanting to take care of other people. and i'm not even saying it to try to make myself look good. it's just that when someone i care about, or even just know says they're upset, or hungry or whatever, my brain and heart automatically go to 'what can i do to help?' and i don't feel better until i can contribute something. it's weird. i could go into all the psychobabble as to why i do it and blah blah. but it's pointless. the point is, i'm very empathetic. but i don't have to save the friggin' world to be a good person.

moving on. we spent very little at the cuzzo's birthday bc we avoided dinner out with them entirely, though i found out later dinner was on the hostess. but still, i can't go assuming that every family outing i go on will be funded by my aunts or uncles. it was a good exercise in restraint for us. the whole gang went bowling afterward which was also funded by the hostess. my uncle even bought me and patrick a pitcher of beer. my family is usually generous in this manner, but i like to not assume. and well i don't like spending their money willynilly either. so all in all a fun night on very little cash.

i realize this blog has been mainly about my finances and personal life. i'm just not feeling the whole running thing as much. and i'm not gonna beat myself up about it. i think i'm starting to get a handle on other things in life and i just can't handle trying to tackle everything at once. my brain can only handle one thing at a time i guess. so ONE: get spending under control. working on it. TWO: find a new job/get more income. working on it. (i've been getting some responses back, even if to say they aren't hiring, but it makes me feel better that my emails aren't just disappearing into space. and i have a couple prospects going) THREE: working out. will have to wait. FOUR: eating healthy. will have to wait.

i know it IS technically possible to work on all 4 at once. but yeah, not my brain. but i will keep on keeping on.

oh and p.s. you know what habit i did manage to break? like just cold turkey? out of the blue and totally suddenly? my nail biting habit. going on over 2 months now. FINALLY.

i need your advice

if you've read my blog for any length of time you know that

1. my fiance is unemployed and has been for exactly a year now.
2. i am experiencing furloughs at my job.
3. i have credit card debt and student loans.

we just got a notice that pattycake is not eligible for the last extension of unemployment like we thought. we're appealing it, but we're uncertain how they will rule. i'm preparing for the worst.

right now we have about $8k saved in the bank which can cover his expenses for about 5 months. if i help pay his bills, our savings could float us for 8 months total. longer if he can find something, anything part-time. i'm considering getting a second job. just so we can keep saving something every month.

his parents, after hearing our predicament offered to send us money from an account they set up a long time ago to help patrick buy his first house (once he finally found a wife). they would rather i put my extra money towards my debt than use it to help pay patrick's bills.

i'm a little speechless.

i'm resistant to just take money. i feel like we're old enough that running to our parents is unacceptable. it's bad enough we have to live with mine, but now his parents' are paying our bills? it's not exactly pride, but the idea of 'no, i have to do this alone.'

part of me also feels like, 'no, i have to struggle.' i got myself into this mess, we got ourselves into this mess we have to feel the pain and dig ourselves out. i feel like we really have to feel and earn this lesson.

part of me feels overwhelmed and overloved that we have people in our lives who have the means to help us in such a big way. but part of me feels like that money should wait to be used for what it was meant for, especially if we really can find a way to float this ourselves. even though i understand that this money is a gift they had always intended on giving us, it's just too much for me to take.

i don't think it's the kind of thing that will have strings attached, but you also never know. am i going to feel in debt to them?

but if we do take help from them, and i can start knocking out my debt like a super champ, and i don't have to get a second job, i can spend my time taking some classes i've been meaning and needing to take. i will have the time to do a lot of the professional development i haven't been doing. it does make me feel like i could breathe a little easier.

obviously i won't really be able to sleep at night until he is gainfully employed and we can support ourselves, which is something his parents can't help us with.

so what do you think peeps? should we consider this magic parent fund an extension of our savings so i can start attacking my debt? or should we act like we don't even know it's there and fight it out on our own?

when you live with a picky eater and more budget rambling

so far, the no-spending rule has been working, with one minor hiccup. there was one night that my parents were annoying us more than usual and we had to escape the blare of fox news on the tv. my dad listens to it at an uncomfortably high volume because he's losing his hearing. i actually got up in the middle of eating a chicken wing at dinner because i just couldn't stand the noise and negativity. don't get me wrong i love my parents, and i don't care that politically our ideologies are different, but after a long day at work with constant noise and interruptions, the LAST thing i want to hear at home is more debbie downer (and innacurate) talk about politics and the economy. and since it's their house, i let them have their space. patty cakes and i had got the hell outta there. i found $30 in my pocket earlier that week and figured it wasn't too naughty of us to spend 'found' money at in-n-out burger to save our sanity. afterward we spent the evening at the library magazine section of barnes and noble. a cheap but fun accidental date.

we bought groceries last week and they should last us well into next week. i/we have cooked a good number of meals for ourselves this week, but we also rely heavily on packaged and frozen food, which i don't like from a nutritional standpoint. most of my meals come from stuff my parents make or stuff i make for myself (patrick hates vegetables and i just don't have the energy sometimes to eat only the few he does like or come up with ways he will like new stuff). for me the packaged food comes into play for about 50% of the meals i share with patrick. because patrick doesn't like to or doesn't want to cook, he relies much more heavily on the packaged food or leftovers from meals i make for both of us. i'm hoping to make changes to healthier grocery shopping, but i didn't want to take way all of the boy's fast food and grocery indulgences at one time. right now the focus is getting our spending down as low as possible and once we get that habit going, i can focus on substituting our crappy food with healthier alternatives.

but i'm sure i'm not alone in having to deal with their family's different eating habits and preferences. i would have infinitely less stress about meal preparation if patrick ate even half the things i eat (namely vegetables). So what do you all do about the picky eaters in your house? How do you trick get the junk-food junkies to eat healthy?

as for other spending, the only thing i've bought in the last week is gas and turbo tax. my only other non-regularly-monthly-scheduled expenses this month are an oil change (which i might try to get my brother to do so all i have to spend money on is an new oil filter and the actual oil) and a doctor's visit. i got my gym to reduce my membership fees by 30% by threatening to cancel. patrick got them down to $7/month for his membership by explaining his current unemployment situation. i even went back to return a few things i purchased at the end of january WITHOUT picking up anything extra. it was all about having tunnel vision and walking straight to the customer service counter which was thankfully at the front of the store.

it's amazing how much the impulse to buy is so strong. new things at the store are so shiny and new and i don't know what it is but i've just been so conditioned to put pretty things in my cart because because oooooh that's cool and i want. i need. it's an interesting feeling for me to feel that physical and emotional rush of wanting to buy something because it's new and shiny and pretty and whatever be aware of it and have to calm that impulse. put the stuff back on the shelf and walk run out.

i had the biggest problem when it came to my little nephew. resisting the urge to spoil the most adorable creature on earth who you love with all of your heart has been a very tough lesson for me to learn. but ultimately it came down to the fact that 1. i don't have the money to do that like i used to 2. i am now a part of a couple and i have to put our needs and goals ahead of my own and 3. i don't want to teach my nephew that money grows on trees and spoil him like veruca salt. i find he loves me just as much without all the treats i used to give him because of all the fun and time we share together. and it makes the gifts i do give him for christmas and his birthday all the more special and meaningful.

it's a little sickening for me to think i'm that consumer driven. i mean it's kind of a joke that women find shopping to be a hobby, so i can't be the only one. i'm not used to spending a lot of time at home. whenever i get bored or restless my brain automatically thinks of all the things i could do out. i enjoy the stimulation and energy of going and being out. i mean i'm the kind of girl who enjoys spending an hour just getting ready to go out. but now i have to retrain my brain to think of all the things i could do at home. not nearly as glamorous but infinitely more economical. i also find i'm cleaning more and getting more stuff done around the house. and working a lot more on personal and professional development. it's amazing how much more efficient you can be when you spend less time going out to buy stuff. i know i know, not a revolutionary idea, but it's definitely a new habit for me.

the smallest month of the year

pattycakes and i have declared february 'eat at home' month. we are challenging ourselves NOT to eat out all month. (besides the commitment we already made for my cousin's birthday)

our budget is pretty lean yet i still find it ridiculous how much money we spend on eating out. mainly because we eat out when we're lazy and/or bored. i would estimate that only 25% of the time that we eat out is 'quality time' spent having a 'quality dining experience', where we're actually relaxed, taking our time, enjoying each other's company, trying something new. and not just eating for the sake of eating. ya know? and that bothers me. i may as well eat a frozen meal or whip something easy up at home and spend a few dollars than spend like $16 for us to eat fast food. or worse $40 to sit down at our local casual brewery (even if their french onion soup is FRICKIN' AWESOME) ya dig?

though i wish patrick enjoyed cooking more because i think that is a great way to spend some quality couple time. most of the time it's me alone in the kitchen, which is also sometimes nice. because most of the time when it's the two of us i'm frustrated at him being slow or asking too many questions. hmmm...

i've also imposed a no-buy for non-essentials on myself. i think i wanna see just how little i can spend in a month. while i've been good at staying within my budget every month, i still think i'm spending money on things i don't necessarily need. like the, 8 or so, tubes of lipstick i've acquired in the last 2 months or so. and don't even get me started on eye makeup. the post xmas sales were too great for this makeup junkie to resist. i have MORE than enough to last me forever.

i'm definitely one of those people who can't resist a deal. shopping itself gives me a high, but getting good shiz at a discount sends me over the edge. i think i've been buying pretty, pretty makeup to make up for my mood lately.

if all goes well, we're looking at more than doubling what we normally put into savings. which is a big deal for the smallest month of the year.

jumbled january

so as you've already noticed, i've 'fallen off the wagon'. but damnit, i've got a lot i'm dealing with here. and i don't want to be lumped into the population of people who toss their resolve about new year's resolutions out the window. because it's not really true...

if you'll remember, i had 5 resolutions:

1. run one race a month. still gonna happen.
   
   
2. lose 50 pounds. still doable even if the starting is slow. and really if i only lose 40 will i cry? heck no! :)
   
   
3. do one creative thing everyday, outside of work. i've kickstarted some projects and feel really good about this one.
   
   
4. save more money. so far, so good. we had to make some adjustments because of some snafus with patty's unemployment. and with the fed job off the horizon we've also had to change our state of mind and plan. but i think we now have a plan. and a plan b. :)
   
   
5. pray everyday. i'm doing pretty good on this. not everyday like i'd like, but i'm taking more time out when i'm stressed or relieved to write things out and talk to god.

so even thoough the whole food log/exercise everyday like a champ got put to the side for awhile, i'm confident they'll pick up again. it's an ebb and flow people. ebb and flow.

besides, january ain't over yet :)

cravings

yesterday morning got off to a bad start. they say mercury is in retrograde, so maybe that's it. patrick and i left the gym and he decided to stop off at mcdonalds drive thru for bfast. WTF? my stomach was grumbling holding his stupid delicious smelling breakfast while we drove home to my boring bowl of fiber cereal. then even though i had plenty of time to get ready for work, more time than i normally give myself, i couldn't find a thing to wear! how does having a totally full closert of clean clothes get me nothing to wear. *sigh* so i get to work a little late, my makeup looking less polished than i'd like.

running late always throws me off and the rest of the morning i was fighting off these horrible feelings of rage, anger, stress...maybe it was the adrenaline from having to race through my morning. i was just in the mood to either punch someone in the face or kick someone in the junk. and whenever i get in that mood, all i also want to do is eat. i had the most intense desire to eat a whole bag of jalapeno kettle chips dipped in sour cream. like i wanted to leave my desk, peel out in my car to the nearest store, purchase said items and just inhale them in my car. thinking about it made me feel better. but not being able to do it made me feel worse.

thankfully, i had some wherewithal and knew that these were just some crazy ass cravings coming from being really rushed and emotional this morning. i tried a handful of nuts to soothe the need for salt. no go. at some point in the morning i got a small bag of cheetos out of the vending machine. (which i realize i forgot to post in my food log. damn!) then finally at some point during the morning i busied myself enough to mostly forget about it and my mood felt much more even.

i had lunch about 45 minutes later than usual because the office was so busy. normally i go home for lunch, eat something there, visit with patrick and my dad, then come back home. but i wasn't in the mood for all that. sometimes going home for lunch stresses me out more just because i go from work, one space where people need me, to home, another space where people need me, back to work. i decided that after my morning, i needed a respite. and in the spirit of comforting myself, i turned to comfort food: philly cheesesteak with onions and peppers and mushrooms with french fries.

when i was done, i definitely felt more full than i had all week. not too terribly icky i feel sick full. but full. i figured the only way i could balance eating my lunch was to not have dinner. normally, i'm starved at 5 pm on the drive home but i felt full all the way until 6:30 pm. so i poured myself a glass of cabernet and debated my options.

in the meantime, patrick and i got into it about my parents and his parents getting on him about finding a job. i won't go into details, but it obviously wasn't happy talk. and i ride the fine line of showing tough love and wanting to crack the whip to seeing how broken up he is and wanting to comfort him. mostly i just wish i felt confident that he could handle this on his own. i don't want to deal with this situation that i can do nothing to help. and i wish that he could just suck it up, fight the good fight bravely instead of moping, and be more assertive and positive. in a lot of ways, sometimes i feel like the 'man' of the relationship and as feminist as i like to think i am, that's not what i want. is that wrong of me?

but back to food...i ended up getting legitimately hungry around 6:30, so i popped some brussel sprouts into the oven and that became my dinner. satisfying and guilt free.

i weighed myself last night, as i have every night this year, and was pleased to find i was down to 185.6. and this morning i'm down even more at 183.2 but that's an unofficial weight. we're all lighter in the mornings :) i weigh myself daily, a few times a day, just to keep me on track. seeing that number is a good constant reminder that i have to remain vigilant and make good choices constantly. when i see the scale moving in the right direction it's a great affirmation of the efforts i've made. and when it creeps up, for whatever reason, it reminds me to reign it in. so for now, it works. i'm sure when i'm down to my last 10 pounds the scale might become my enemy. for now, it's my ally.

happiest damn runner ever.

why must i be so friggin' goofy? :D

i am especially happy about the ponytail swooshing in the first picture. it's a new experience for me. makes me feel authentic.

but seriously, is it necessary for my legs to be so....um gigantic? like whoa. it's scary. maybe one day i will need to leg press a small automobile off of me to save my life.

beating insomnia

yesterday's news kinda threw us for a loop. the plan was to do the workout we missed in the am when i got home from work, but neither of us were really feeling it. nor were we feeling sleep either. at around 2 am we decided, eff it, let's go to the gym. patrick suggested we swim. a run was on on the schedule but i decided eff it. let's just have fun.

we spent about half an hour pool running, chatting, spending quality time together. the pool at the gym was practically empty save the cleaning lady and a random dude in the sauna. it was so nice. to have peace. and quiet. and space. empty space filled with just us. we capped the workout off with some time in the hot tub then we made our way home to have breakfast together. at around 4 am i was finally able to drift to sleep feeling a million times better.

these are the moments i love the best.

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my scale hates me today. but it was to be expected. it was a pretty high carb day. and i ate waaaay too much of the chicken sloppy joe i made at lunch. must remember to eat slower. will reign it in tomorrow. we have a weights and run combo workout planned. must. kick. my. own. butt.

good news and bad news

the good news? i'm down 2 pounds. no reason for a parade just yet, though. i attribute the loss to no longer being on my period. (bloating is a bitch, yo.) i've also subconsciously adopted a low carb eating habit, so most of that is water weight loss. still, better up than down. and i give myself 2 snaps for at least being more aware of what i'm eating and how much. i've been better at curbing two of my worst eating traps.

1. craving something sweet to soothe stress and/or anxiety: there are periods of my workday that are super hectic and aspects of my workplace that drive me freaking nuts. normally during those times, i'd reach for a sugary treat to help me feel better. i now treat myself to a cup of tea sweetened very lightly with splenda. it's actually more soothing than a candy bar or cookies because of how warm and toasty it makes me feel. and it doesn't make me crash or feel fat afterward.
   
   
2. eating out of boredom at work: there are also periods of my workday that are so unbearably boring all i want to do is snack. for those times, i used to chomp on anything crunchy, salty or crispy all day long. it was pretty easy to mindlessly chow through a whole bag of chips. now, i bust out a handful of sunflower seeds still in the shell. it's a lot of work for a little food, even if seeds are packed with fat. the good kind, thankfully.

the bad news? we got a letter today saying patrick did not get the big bad fed job we've been after for almost a year now. initially, i was relieved. it meant we don't have to move and we don't have to be separated for the 7 months he would have been in training. and i knew in my heart of hearts he didn't really want this job. he was just doing it because it was going to provide a great salary and sweet benefits. mostly i was relieved that the wait was over. we finally knew, one way or another, our status. and i'm grateful that if he wasn't going to make it, it would be at this step and not him failing out during training. that would have been even more devastating to his psyche.

the bottom line is i think we're still in shock. as the news has had more time to sink in, i vacillate between feeling dissappointed, worried, hopeful, and grateful. we spent a lot of money travelling to the east coast twice. and we spent a lot of time wrapped up in this process. and most of our momentum had been channelled toward him getting it and moving our lives across the country. we've been on this crazy emotional rollercoaster and suddenly it just stopped. it was the light at the end of our unemployment tunnel. so now what?

i know that the only answer is to just forge ahead and step up alternative job efforts. it's in my nature to be positive and creative when it comes to problem solving. i wish i could say the same for patrick. i pray, pray, pray that my honey can remain positive and hopeful. i pray that this will ignite a fire in him to find something that he was truly meant for. i have faith that this decision was ultimately part of God's plan for us. but i also can't help but pray that he gets a great job now.

how to get your fruits and veggies in the wintertime

if you check out my food log via twitter, it's blindingly obvious i need more fruits and vegetables. it's not that i don't like them, i just feel like they're hard to come by in the winter. in the summer, i can go to the farmer's market every week and fill up bags and bags of fresh produce that can be eaten without even cooking. for me, the winter is not as inspiring. maybe it's because my ancestors are from a tropical island.

nonetheless, i still need to get my veggie on. i got a sample of this super antioxidant shot from my goodie bag from CIM.
normally, i wouldn't buy stuff like that because i feel like they're gimmicky, too good to be true and not really worth the money. this product claims that two of these is equivalent to the antioxidants in 8 servings of fruit and 4 servings of veggies. sounds good, but it's not like it's the same as eating 8 servings of actual fruit and 4 servings of actual veggies. while antioxidants are good, you don't get the fiber and vitamin benefits as eating the real whole fruit and veggie.

i understand it's more of a "supplement" than a substitute for produce, but it looks like a lot of money to pay for antioxidants. not to mention all the waste that goes into the packaging. when you look at it this way, it feels so much more unhealthy doesn't it?

i've always been of the mindset that the real thing is always better. so what do you kids do to get all your fruits and veggies in? is this lover of everything tropical missing out on some hidden delicious wintery gems? please share!

first 5k of 2010

patty cakes and i got our happy little butts up at 5 am to run our first 5k of the year. it's not like i really had a goal in mind except to finish. but i was nervous about how patrick would feel. he still hasn't warmed to the idea of any kind of physical exertion. and for him to get up before 10 am to run, in the cold, on a foggy day is never his idea of a good time. oh the things he does for love :)

our times are obviously not notable. they are recorded here for accounting purposes.
1: 12:27 2: 14:02 3: 15:18 T: 41:48

i have a 5k planned for the beginning of next month and i'm hoping to get him to do more running and less walking. by march, hopefully he'll be able to do it on his own without me baiting him to the finish. i enjoy being there for him, but i'd like to run my own race too. and see how he does pushing his own ass.

we're rewarding our efforts with a very relaxed day at home. uggs. trackpants. snuggies. the whole bit. happy sunday.

the un-diet

i mentioned in my last post that i wasn't going on a 'diet'. which i guess seems contradictory to the amount of weight i want to lose. but here's the thing with me, i cannot diet. i just can't. the second i tell myself something is off-limits, it's ALL I EVER WANT. it's like telling someone 'don't think of elephants'. you're gonna friggin' think of elephants. i am also rebellious. even against myself. i tell myself i can't have something, but damnit, i am not the boss of me.

my goal for now is to just eat less. which is very vague and flies in the face of everything they tell you about goal setting and weight loss. but again, here's the thing about me. counting shit, whether it's calories or carbs or points or grams, drives me batshit. i don't enjoy micromanaging things to that degree. especially something as basic as food. how can i enjoy it if i have to analyze it and turn it into work? maybe it's my right-brainedness, but i know that the bottom line is eating less will get me where i want to go and learning to focus on my fullness and satisfaction will make me much happier.

part of me worries that this seemingly easy-going approach will not yield me the results i want. at least not fast enough. but considering i've tried everything in the book and nothing has stuck, i'm thinking that this plan is the closest thing resembling moderation, which to me seems like a good plan for long-term success.

so here's what i ate today:

6 am: english breakfast tea w/ splenda
ham, salami, swiss sandwich with mustard on sourdough

11 am: banana

12:30: slice of veggie pizza
mint tea

1:30 pm: half of a huge red velvet cupcake with cream cheese frosting

7:00 pm: ensenada chicken from red robin, side salad and a handful of garlic fries pilfered from patrick's plate.

so yeah, it doesn't look like i'm trying to cut back, but honestly i am. only one slice of pizza? that's unheard of. sharing a cupcake? p-shaw! not ordering a luscious heart-attack burger from red robin? crazy.

and so while i know there is room for improvement, it's a step in the right direction. i didn't drive myself insane craving food i couldn't have. and i didn't make myself sick from eating too much like i normally do. and that my friends, is a victory in and of itself.

and to make up for truly traumatizing you (and myself) with my before photos, here are some photos of our afternoon at lake merritt in oakland.












and p.s. you guys rock! thanks so much for all the encouragement.

perhaps i should take up sumo wrestling

what i am about to do goes against everything i believe in. i've been on the fence about it for so long, but i've come to the conclusion that drastic times call for drastic measures. or whatever. and don't they say the truth will set you free? oh god i can't believe i'm going to do this, but without further ado, i present...my 'before' picture. me, in all my 187.2 lb glory...(shite! did i really just say that! SHITE!) you seriously might want to just turn away. and usher small children out of the room...




OUCH. that is some serious OUCH.

and let me remind you i am only 5'3".

drastic measures, people.

there's obviously a lot of self-deprecating things i could say that would be both true and funny. but honestly, who wants to read angsty fat talk. it is what it is. i know how i got here. and not only is it aesthetically unpleasingly, it's just downright unhealthy. and that's the biggest ouch. i can no longer treat my 31 year old body like this. though honestly, this is a reflection of how when my spirit gets beat up i turn to food. (ok, end angsty fat talk)

so there we have it kids. i've got a long road ahead of me.