jumbled january

so as you've already noticed, i've 'fallen off the wagon'. but damnit, i've got a lot i'm dealing with here. and i don't want to be lumped into the population of people who toss their resolve about new year's resolutions out the window. because it's not really true...

if you'll remember, i had 5 resolutions:

1. run one race a month. still gonna happen.
   
   
2. lose 50 pounds. still doable even if the starting is slow. and really if i only lose 40 will i cry? heck no! :)
   
   
3. do one creative thing everyday, outside of work. i've kickstarted some projects and feel really good about this one.
   
   
4. save more money. so far, so good. we had to make some adjustments because of some snafus with patty's unemployment. and with the fed job off the horizon we've also had to change our state of mind and plan. but i think we now have a plan. and a plan b. :)
   
   
5. pray everyday. i'm doing pretty good on this. not everyday like i'd like, but i'm taking more time out when i'm stressed or relieved to write things out and talk to god.

so even thoough the whole food log/exercise everyday like a champ got put to the side for awhile, i'm confident they'll pick up again. it's an ebb and flow people. ebb and flow.

besides, january ain't over yet :)

cravings

yesterday morning got off to a bad start. they say mercury is in retrograde, so maybe that's it. patrick and i left the gym and he decided to stop off at mcdonalds drive thru for bfast. WTF? my stomach was grumbling holding his stupid delicious smelling breakfast while we drove home to my boring bowl of fiber cereal. then even though i had plenty of time to get ready for work, more time than i normally give myself, i couldn't find a thing to wear! how does having a totally full closert of clean clothes get me nothing to wear. *sigh* so i get to work a little late, my makeup looking less polished than i'd like.

running late always throws me off and the rest of the morning i was fighting off these horrible feelings of rage, anger, stress...maybe it was the adrenaline from having to race through my morning. i was just in the mood to either punch someone in the face or kick someone in the junk. and whenever i get in that mood, all i also want to do is eat. i had the most intense desire to eat a whole bag of jalapeno kettle chips dipped in sour cream. like i wanted to leave my desk, peel out in my car to the nearest store, purchase said items and just inhale them in my car. thinking about it made me feel better. but not being able to do it made me feel worse.

thankfully, i had some wherewithal and knew that these were just some crazy ass cravings coming from being really rushed and emotional this morning. i tried a handful of nuts to soothe the need for salt. no go. at some point in the morning i got a small bag of cheetos out of the vending machine. (which i realize i forgot to post in my food log. damn!) then finally at some point during the morning i busied myself enough to mostly forget about it and my mood felt much more even.

i had lunch about 45 minutes later than usual because the office was so busy. normally i go home for lunch, eat something there, visit with patrick and my dad, then come back home. but i wasn't in the mood for all that. sometimes going home for lunch stresses me out more just because i go from work, one space where people need me, to home, another space where people need me, back to work. i decided that after my morning, i needed a respite. and in the spirit of comforting myself, i turned to comfort food: philly cheesesteak with onions and peppers and mushrooms with french fries.

when i was done, i definitely felt more full than i had all week. not too terribly icky i feel sick full. but full. i figured the only way i could balance eating my lunch was to not have dinner. normally, i'm starved at 5 pm on the drive home but i felt full all the way until 6:30 pm. so i poured myself a glass of cabernet and debated my options.

in the meantime, patrick and i got into it about my parents and his parents getting on him about finding a job. i won't go into details, but it obviously wasn't happy talk. and i ride the fine line of showing tough love and wanting to crack the whip to seeing how broken up he is and wanting to comfort him. mostly i just wish i felt confident that he could handle this on his own. i don't want to deal with this situation that i can do nothing to help. and i wish that he could just suck it up, fight the good fight bravely instead of moping, and be more assertive and positive. in a lot of ways, sometimes i feel like the 'man' of the relationship and as feminist as i like to think i am, that's not what i want. is that wrong of me?

but back to food...i ended up getting legitimately hungry around 6:30, so i popped some brussel sprouts into the oven and that became my dinner. satisfying and guilt free.

i weighed myself last night, as i have every night this year, and was pleased to find i was down to 185.6. and this morning i'm down even more at 183.2 but that's an unofficial weight. we're all lighter in the mornings :) i weigh myself daily, a few times a day, just to keep me on track. seeing that number is a good constant reminder that i have to remain vigilant and make good choices constantly. when i see the scale moving in the right direction it's a great affirmation of the efforts i've made. and when it creeps up, for whatever reason, it reminds me to reign it in. so for now, it works. i'm sure when i'm down to my last 10 pounds the scale might become my enemy. for now, it's my ally.

happiest damn runner ever.

why must i be so friggin' goofy? :D

i am especially happy about the ponytail swooshing in the first picture. it's a new experience for me. makes me feel authentic.

but seriously, is it necessary for my legs to be so....um gigantic? like whoa. it's scary. maybe one day i will need to leg press a small automobile off of me to save my life.

beating insomnia

yesterday's news kinda threw us for a loop. the plan was to do the workout we missed in the am when i got home from work, but neither of us were really feeling it. nor were we feeling sleep either. at around 2 am we decided, eff it, let's go to the gym. patrick suggested we swim. a run was on on the schedule but i decided eff it. let's just have fun.

we spent about half an hour pool running, chatting, spending quality time together. the pool at the gym was practically empty save the cleaning lady and a random dude in the sauna. it was so nice. to have peace. and quiet. and space. empty space filled with just us. we capped the workout off with some time in the hot tub then we made our way home to have breakfast together. at around 4 am i was finally able to drift to sleep feeling a million times better.

these are the moments i love the best.

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my scale hates me today. but it was to be expected. it was a pretty high carb day. and i ate waaaay too much of the chicken sloppy joe i made at lunch. must remember to eat slower. will reign it in tomorrow. we have a weights and run combo workout planned. must. kick. my. own. butt.

good news and bad news

the good news? i'm down 2 pounds. no reason for a parade just yet, though. i attribute the loss to no longer being on my period. (bloating is a bitch, yo.) i've also subconsciously adopted a low carb eating habit, so most of that is water weight loss. still, better up than down. and i give myself 2 snaps for at least being more aware of what i'm eating and how much. i've been better at curbing two of my worst eating traps.

1. craving something sweet to soothe stress and/or anxiety: there are periods of my workday that are super hectic and aspects of my workplace that drive me freaking nuts. normally during those times, i'd reach for a sugary treat to help me feel better. i now treat myself to a cup of tea sweetened very lightly with splenda. it's actually more soothing than a candy bar or cookies because of how warm and toasty it makes me feel. and it doesn't make me crash or feel fat afterward.
   
   
2. eating out of boredom at work: there are also periods of my workday that are so unbearably boring all i want to do is snack. for those times, i used to chomp on anything crunchy, salty or crispy all day long. it was pretty easy to mindlessly chow through a whole bag of chips. now, i bust out a handful of sunflower seeds still in the shell. it's a lot of work for a little food, even if seeds are packed with fat. the good kind, thankfully.

the bad news? we got a letter today saying patrick did not get the big bad fed job we've been after for almost a year now. initially, i was relieved. it meant we don't have to move and we don't have to be separated for the 7 months he would have been in training. and i knew in my heart of hearts he didn't really want this job. he was just doing it because it was going to provide a great salary and sweet benefits. mostly i was relieved that the wait was over. we finally knew, one way or another, our status. and i'm grateful that if he wasn't going to make it, it would be at this step and not him failing out during training. that would have been even more devastating to his psyche.

the bottom line is i think we're still in shock. as the news has had more time to sink in, i vacillate between feeling dissappointed, worried, hopeful, and grateful. we spent a lot of money travelling to the east coast twice. and we spent a lot of time wrapped up in this process. and most of our momentum had been channelled toward him getting it and moving our lives across the country. we've been on this crazy emotional rollercoaster and suddenly it just stopped. it was the light at the end of our unemployment tunnel. so now what?

i know that the only answer is to just forge ahead and step up alternative job efforts. it's in my nature to be positive and creative when it comes to problem solving. i wish i could say the same for patrick. i pray, pray, pray that my honey can remain positive and hopeful. i pray that this will ignite a fire in him to find something that he was truly meant for. i have faith that this decision was ultimately part of God's plan for us. but i also can't help but pray that he gets a great job now.

how to get your fruits and veggies in the wintertime

if you check out my food log via twitter, it's blindingly obvious i need more fruits and vegetables. it's not that i don't like them, i just feel like they're hard to come by in the winter. in the summer, i can go to the farmer's market every week and fill up bags and bags of fresh produce that can be eaten without even cooking. for me, the winter is not as inspiring. maybe it's because my ancestors are from a tropical island.

nonetheless, i still need to get my veggie on. i got a sample of this super antioxidant shot from my goodie bag from CIM.
normally, i wouldn't buy stuff like that because i feel like they're gimmicky, too good to be true and not really worth the money. this product claims that two of these is equivalent to the antioxidants in 8 servings of fruit and 4 servings of veggies. sounds good, but it's not like it's the same as eating 8 servings of actual fruit and 4 servings of actual veggies. while antioxidants are good, you don't get the fiber and vitamin benefits as eating the real whole fruit and veggie.

i understand it's more of a "supplement" than a substitute for produce, but it looks like a lot of money to pay for antioxidants. not to mention all the waste that goes into the packaging. when you look at it this way, it feels so much more unhealthy doesn't it?

i've always been of the mindset that the real thing is always better. so what do you kids do to get all your fruits and veggies in? is this lover of everything tropical missing out on some hidden delicious wintery gems? please share!

first 5k of 2010

patty cakes and i got our happy little butts up at 5 am to run our first 5k of the year. it's not like i really had a goal in mind except to finish. but i was nervous about how patrick would feel. he still hasn't warmed to the idea of any kind of physical exertion. and for him to get up before 10 am to run, in the cold, on a foggy day is never his idea of a good time. oh the things he does for love :)

our times are obviously not notable. they are recorded here for accounting purposes.
1: 12:27 2: 14:02 3: 15:18 T: 41:48

i have a 5k planned for the beginning of next month and i'm hoping to get him to do more running and less walking. by march, hopefully he'll be able to do it on his own without me baiting him to the finish. i enjoy being there for him, but i'd like to run my own race too. and see how he does pushing his own ass.

we're rewarding our efforts with a very relaxed day at home. uggs. trackpants. snuggies. the whole bit. happy sunday.

the un-diet

i mentioned in my last post that i wasn't going on a 'diet'. which i guess seems contradictory to the amount of weight i want to lose. but here's the thing with me, i cannot diet. i just can't. the second i tell myself something is off-limits, it's ALL I EVER WANT. it's like telling someone 'don't think of elephants'. you're gonna friggin' think of elephants. i am also rebellious. even against myself. i tell myself i can't have something, but damnit, i am not the boss of me.

my goal for now is to just eat less. which is very vague and flies in the face of everything they tell you about goal setting and weight loss. but again, here's the thing about me. counting shit, whether it's calories or carbs or points or grams, drives me batshit. i don't enjoy micromanaging things to that degree. especially something as basic as food. how can i enjoy it if i have to analyze it and turn it into work? maybe it's my right-brainedness, but i know that the bottom line is eating less will get me where i want to go and learning to focus on my fullness and satisfaction will make me much happier.

part of me worries that this seemingly easy-going approach will not yield me the results i want. at least not fast enough. but considering i've tried everything in the book and nothing has stuck, i'm thinking that this plan is the closest thing resembling moderation, which to me seems like a good plan for long-term success.

so here's what i ate today:

6 am: english breakfast tea w/ splenda
ham, salami, swiss sandwich with mustard on sourdough

11 am: banana

12:30: slice of veggie pizza
mint tea

1:30 pm: half of a huge red velvet cupcake with cream cheese frosting

7:00 pm: ensenada chicken from red robin, side salad and a handful of garlic fries pilfered from patrick's plate.

so yeah, it doesn't look like i'm trying to cut back, but honestly i am. only one slice of pizza? that's unheard of. sharing a cupcake? p-shaw! not ordering a luscious heart-attack burger from red robin? crazy.

and so while i know there is room for improvement, it's a step in the right direction. i didn't drive myself insane craving food i couldn't have. and i didn't make myself sick from eating too much like i normally do. and that my friends, is a victory in and of itself.

and to make up for truly traumatizing you (and myself) with my before photos, here are some photos of our afternoon at lake merritt in oakland.












and p.s. you guys rock! thanks so much for all the encouragement.

perhaps i should take up sumo wrestling

what i am about to do goes against everything i believe in. i've been on the fence about it for so long, but i've come to the conclusion that drastic times call for drastic measures. or whatever. and don't they say the truth will set you free? oh god i can't believe i'm going to do this, but without further ado, i present...my 'before' picture. me, in all my 187.2 lb glory...(shite! did i really just say that! SHITE!) you seriously might want to just turn away. and usher small children out of the room...




OUCH. that is some serious OUCH.

and let me remind you i am only 5'3".

drastic measures, people.

there's obviously a lot of self-deprecating things i could say that would be both true and funny. but honestly, who wants to read angsty fat talk. it is what it is. i know how i got here. and not only is it aesthetically unpleasingly, it's just downright unhealthy. and that's the biggest ouch. i can no longer treat my 31 year old body like this. though honestly, this is a reflection of how when my spirit gets beat up i turn to food. (ok, end angsty fat talk)

so there we have it kids. i've got a long road ahead of me.