i wasn't too sore when i started my run. and i was kinda bored running at the 14 minute mile my schedule had planned, so i kicked it up a little every quarter mile or so and finished my 2 miles in 26 minutes. my upper body hurt more than anything...stupid pushups.
but now an hour and a half later, the soreness has settled into my bottom half. and the only time i don't feel any discomfort is when i sit in the recliner. so i guess that's just what i'll have to do all day :)
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i just finished watching matchpoint. that movie is seriously some effed up shit.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Friday, December 29, 2006
*grumble*grumble*
stupid total body conditioning.
stupid pushups. stupid crunches. stupid lunges. stupid squats. stupid hurty triceps. and biceps. and shoulders. stupid muscles i forgot i had. stupid scale saying i weigh 2 pounds more than i did yesterday.
stupid instructor and her stupid long legs. stupid hour long torture turning my body into jelly.
i get to do this again on tuesday, right? cool.
stupid pushups. stupid crunches. stupid lunges. stupid squats. stupid hurty triceps. and biceps. and shoulders. stupid muscles i forgot i had. stupid scale saying i weigh 2 pounds more than i did yesterday.
stupid instructor and her stupid long legs. stupid hour long torture turning my body into jelly.
i get to do this again on tuesday, right? cool.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
coming out of hibernation
i've run all of 4 times in the month of december. which is about the number of times i got off my duff to run in november. and probably october. it's been a stellar quarter indeed.
but last night i officially mapped out a 6 week training program for a 10k on 2/10. and today i finally joined a gym. yup, yup, my friends, i'm comin' outta hibernation.
i almost laughed when i saw that i had two 14 minute miles scheduled, but it was a relief. with my "long run" at only 3 miles, the transition back to the world of running should be pretty smooth and i can build my base again no problem.
so 2 miles today in 28 minutes. it's amazing that at one point i could run 13 no problem, and i'm back at a point where i'm looking at the clock praying and wishing the miles could somehow tick off faster without my heart pounding out of my chest. it didn't feel THAT hard, but it didn't feel THAT fun either. but it will. soon.
but last night i officially mapped out a 6 week training program for a 10k on 2/10. and today i finally joined a gym. yup, yup, my friends, i'm comin' outta hibernation.
i almost laughed when i saw that i had two 14 minute miles scheduled, but it was a relief. with my "long run" at only 3 miles, the transition back to the world of running should be pretty smooth and i can build my base again no problem.
so 2 miles today in 28 minutes. it's amazing that at one point i could run 13 no problem, and i'm back at a point where i'm looking at the clock praying and wishing the miles could somehow tick off faster without my heart pounding out of my chest. it didn't feel THAT hard, but it didn't feel THAT fun either. but it will. soon.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
pandora's box of mp3s
my friend's husband turned me onto an awesome music site: pandora internet radio
you type in either a song or an artist you like and it searches through a directory of music and finds songs that are similar in taste. it hones its selections even more based on whether you give a song and thumbs up or down. it tells you why it chose a certain song, gives you artist and album info and includes a link to iTunes and amazon. you can save up to 100 channels so you can create stations of a variety of genres, moods, etc.
it's a great way to get exposure to a lot more music than you do if you just listen to your ipod or the radio all day. and for someone like me who gets bored of her running playlists within like 3 workouts, i see this website being a great help in broadening my horizons!
it's free, if you don't mind ads, which to be honest aren't really annoying on this site. but you can buy a subscription if that kind of thing bugs you.
you type in either a song or an artist you like and it searches through a directory of music and finds songs that are similar in taste. it hones its selections even more based on whether you give a song and thumbs up or down. it tells you why it chose a certain song, gives you artist and album info and includes a link to iTunes and amazon. you can save up to 100 channels so you can create stations of a variety of genres, moods, etc.
it's a great way to get exposure to a lot more music than you do if you just listen to your ipod or the radio all day. and for someone like me who gets bored of her running playlists within like 3 workouts, i see this website being a great help in broadening my horizons!
it's free, if you don't mind ads, which to be honest aren't really annoying on this site. but you can buy a subscription if that kind of thing bugs you.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
@%#&!!!!!
watch deal or no deal while on the treadmill and i guarantee you'll sweat just a little more than usual. that and bite off half your fingernails. and no it's not because i think howie mandel is hot. **shudder** holy mary mother of bob, there isn't an hour of television that i don't scream at the television more. and it's an hour long, so it guarantees you're sweating for a full hour. luckily i was at home and could curse freely and loudly without anyone thinking i have torrets.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
no running...
just knitting...my fingers have been feverishly trying to get every hat and scarf done before our family party on saturday. tonight i finished a hat and a scarf while watching 40 year old virgin and the sound of music. and i've been put in charge of present wrapping because i love it so darned much. so my hands have been pretty busy.
but i guess it keeps me out of trouble. :)
and now, a gratuitious nephew picture: from this weekend:
but i guess it keeps me out of trouble. :)
and now, a gratuitious nephew picture: from this weekend:
Saturday, December 16, 2006
where have all the runners gone?
my hometown is officially the worst running town ever. i just spent the last hour and a half driving around to various parks and "trails" only to be sorely dissapointed by their conditions or their level of safety. even my old high school track ended up being a bust as there was some game going on rendering the track occupied. i even drove a ways to the community college track only to find it so deserted on a saturday i felt too afraid to be out there myself.
i guess i was just spoiled. living in dc afforded me plenty of trail options within walking distance from my house, office, and metro. tomorrow i'm driving up to sacramento where there seems to be more of a gold mine of running hot spots. at some point today i'm making it to the running store in the next town over from me. i'm sure they MUST have the inside scoop. sometimes word of mouht is a much better resource than the internet, which shows no local running groups in a 10 mile radius of my town.
but i'm determined to find something. i'm not content to just run on the treadmill at home or the gym or on the streets of my neighborhood. i will find a trail, a running space to call home.
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UPDATE!
the local fleet feet ended up being a great resource! got flyers for their half marathon training program and a 10K in february. they also pointed me in the direction of a park with lots of trails. i checked it out on the way home and it looks promising. they also have groups that run every night of the week, though there are only 2 that are geared for me. but i think i might have to check them out at some point. though it's always intimidating because everyone that worked at the store was like 1% body fat.
i know i sound really angsty lately but i'm in a HUGE adjustment period and i always find change painful. even when it is welcome.
i guess i was just spoiled. living in dc afforded me plenty of trail options within walking distance from my house, office, and metro. tomorrow i'm driving up to sacramento where there seems to be more of a gold mine of running hot spots. at some point today i'm making it to the running store in the next town over from me. i'm sure they MUST have the inside scoop. sometimes word of mouht is a much better resource than the internet, which shows no local running groups in a 10 mile radius of my town.
but i'm determined to find something. i'm not content to just run on the treadmill at home or the gym or on the streets of my neighborhood. i will find a trail, a running space to call home.
------------
UPDATE!
the local fleet feet ended up being a great resource! got flyers for their half marathon training program and a 10K in february. they also pointed me in the direction of a park with lots of trails. i checked it out on the way home and it looks promising. they also have groups that run every night of the week, though there are only 2 that are geared for me. but i think i might have to check them out at some point. though it's always intimidating because everyone that worked at the store was like 1% body fat.
i know i sound really angsty lately but i'm in a HUGE adjustment period and i always find change painful. even when it is welcome.
Friday, December 15, 2006
what i miss
"This trip should be even better than the last one as this time I’m bringing comfortable shoes and my best friend." this was the last line in dooce's post yesterday about her upcoming trip to NYC.
i can't tell you how much this line made me ache. ache for the love and companionship that only your lover can give. the love that is different from friendship and family. the kind of love that i believe only a few successful couples on this earth have. the kind of couples you want to hate but can't because you're too in awe of the love they're blessed with.
as a single woman you are faced with two very conflicting beliefs: 1. that you'll be ok if you're single forever and 2. that the love of your life is out there. everyone knows half of all marriages end in divorce. and we all know the couples who stay married but probably shouldn't, or are so abysmally unhappy and/or dysfunctional it makes you glad you're single. the statistics are very much stacked against happy, healthy coupledom. but even knowing all this, you still have to hope, you can't help but hope. i don't know one single woman of ANY age, no matter what her resume, stock portfolio, or passport says, who doesn't have that hope. it's that bittersweetness of empowered singlehood.
i have no doubt in my mind that my singlehood is very much what i need right now. but i'd be lying if i said part of me didn't want santa to bring me the love of my life for christmas. yes i'm ok by myself but part of the reason i moved home was because i missed the value my family added to my life. so it stands to reason that the value of "your ultimate best friend" is something really worth wanting.
it's almost like if i hadn't loved my ex boyfriend as much as i did, i wouldn't have that to miss now. but i did. and i do. and not so much him, but the IDEA of that love. i miss believing in that love and the idea that it was real. it's much harder to believe in that kind of love with a faceless, nameless person you hope exists and who you hope you run into at the grocery store or something.
not to say my life can't and won't be full without a partner. but knowing what that kind of love feels like, tastes like, and smells like, i know deep down that life isn't the same without it.
i can't tell you how much this line made me ache. ache for the love and companionship that only your lover can give. the love that is different from friendship and family. the kind of love that i believe only a few successful couples on this earth have. the kind of couples you want to hate but can't because you're too in awe of the love they're blessed with.
as a single woman you are faced with two very conflicting beliefs: 1. that you'll be ok if you're single forever and 2. that the love of your life is out there. everyone knows half of all marriages end in divorce. and we all know the couples who stay married but probably shouldn't, or are so abysmally unhappy and/or dysfunctional it makes you glad you're single. the statistics are very much stacked against happy, healthy coupledom. but even knowing all this, you still have to hope, you can't help but hope. i don't know one single woman of ANY age, no matter what her resume, stock portfolio, or passport says, who doesn't have that hope. it's that bittersweetness of empowered singlehood.
i have no doubt in my mind that my singlehood is very much what i need right now. but i'd be lying if i said part of me didn't want santa to bring me the love of my life for christmas. yes i'm ok by myself but part of the reason i moved home was because i missed the value my family added to my life. so it stands to reason that the value of "your ultimate best friend" is something really worth wanting.
it's almost like if i hadn't loved my ex boyfriend as much as i did, i wouldn't have that to miss now. but i did. and i do. and not so much him, but the IDEA of that love. i miss believing in that love and the idea that it was real. it's much harder to believe in that kind of love with a faceless, nameless person you hope exists and who you hope you run into at the grocery store or something.
not to say my life can't and won't be full without a partner. but knowing what that kind of love feels like, tastes like, and smells like, i know deep down that life isn't the same without it.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
utterly random and totally unrelated
1. my nephew waited until after his mom came home to poop a nice, big, messy, wet one, thereby saving me from cleaning up doo doo stew. i knew i loved that kid for a reason.
2. i took my dad out to lunch for his birthday today and he asked me what kind of guy i was looking to marry. when i asked for his recommendation he said, "well, you know, you're kinda...easily excitable...kinda jumpy, so you need someone understanding. you need someone mellow." of all my fabulous characteristics, that's what my dad brings up. i just had to laugh. but he does have a point.
3. at around 8:30 i decided i was finally hungry for dinner, so i crept downstairs to find something to eat. i flipped the switch in the kitchen and before the light even came on, my mom magically appeared from the other room. "you hungry now? you want some shrimp? some steak? a burger? it's really easy, i can make it quick for you." seriously, easier than rubbing a magic lamp and having a genie appear. all i really was expecting to eat was some cereal, salami, and an avocado. which would have been WAY more food than i kept in my fridge when i lived alone. but i could not pursuade my mom that what i had in mind for dinner was nutritious enough and she insisted on making me a burger. so ya know, i let her :) but i washed all the dishes.
4. i was having major angst bc the station i used to listen to in DC no longer comes in over the internet for some dumb reason. but i found the BEST radio station ever: "MOVIN' 99.7 FM" in SF. it's FREAKING awesome, playing everything i could ever want in my itunes collection. top 40 hits from the 80s, 90s, 00s, and today. they play every top 40 hit from my whole life! songs i listened to on TAPE in my walkman! songs i used to record off the radio then make into mix tapes for my friends! i've been listening to it for the past 3 hours and NOT A SINGLE SONG has repeated.
the only problem is i fear my generation may be just a decade away from "the oldies". i mean my friends and i always joked that we'd be "old" one day and "baby got back" would come on the oldies station and we would get up off our rockers and start shaking our asses totally embarrassing our kids. but that day may be closer than i thought.
the station says they play music that "makes you feel good". for pete's sake they're called movin' 99.7. how dorky IS that? they say they play music "from today and back in the day, when you were in school." so yeah, i'm officially getting old.
2. i took my dad out to lunch for his birthday today and he asked me what kind of guy i was looking to marry. when i asked for his recommendation he said, "well, you know, you're kinda...easily excitable...kinda jumpy, so you need someone understanding. you need someone mellow." of all my fabulous characteristics, that's what my dad brings up. i just had to laugh. but he does have a point.
3. at around 8:30 i decided i was finally hungry for dinner, so i crept downstairs to find something to eat. i flipped the switch in the kitchen and before the light even came on, my mom magically appeared from the other room. "you hungry now? you want some shrimp? some steak? a burger? it's really easy, i can make it quick for you." seriously, easier than rubbing a magic lamp and having a genie appear. all i really was expecting to eat was some cereal, salami, and an avocado. which would have been WAY more food than i kept in my fridge when i lived alone. but i could not pursuade my mom that what i had in mind for dinner was nutritious enough and she insisted on making me a burger. so ya know, i let her :) but i washed all the dishes.
4. i was having major angst bc the station i used to listen to in DC no longer comes in over the internet for some dumb reason. but i found the BEST radio station ever: "MOVIN' 99.7 FM" in SF. it's FREAKING awesome, playing everything i could ever want in my itunes collection. top 40 hits from the 80s, 90s, 00s, and today. they play every top 40 hit from my whole life! songs i listened to on TAPE in my walkman! songs i used to record off the radio then make into mix tapes for my friends! i've been listening to it for the past 3 hours and NOT A SINGLE SONG has repeated.
the only problem is i fear my generation may be just a decade away from "the oldies". i mean my friends and i always joked that we'd be "old" one day and "baby got back" would come on the oldies station and we would get up off our rockers and start shaking our asses totally embarrassing our kids. but that day may be closer than i thought.
the station says they play music that "makes you feel good". for pete's sake they're called movin' 99.7. how dorky IS that? they say they play music "from today and back in the day, when you were in school." so yeah, i'm officially getting old.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
unconventional crosstraining
i'm babysitting my 15 month old nephew who for the past few days has suffered explosive diarrhea. so far no poops yet and i'm praying that he's on the mend today so i don't have to suffer from it as well. i hear it can be QUITE a spectacle.
the lil monkey is down for a nap only because we danced the entire morning to the backyardigans. swirling and tossing a 20 pound bebe can work up quite a sweat...i might just snuggle up next to him and get a nap in myself. who knows WHAT the afternoon will hold!
the lil monkey is down for a nap only because we danced the entire morning to the backyardigans. swirling and tossing a 20 pound bebe can work up quite a sweat...i might just snuggle up next to him and get a nap in myself. who knows WHAT the afternoon will hold!
Monday, December 11, 2006
making friends with the ghetto treadmill
40 minutes on the ghetto treadmill. i can't figure out if 4.5 mph feels hard because i'm out of shape again or if the ghetto treadmill is calibrated wrong. or perhaps a combo of the 2. i'm trying not to be hard on myself because it's been well over a month since i've run with any regularity. probably closer to 2 and a half months. egad! but if that's the truth, it's a miracle i can even run at all for any length of time.
true to my non-mathematical precise training, i'm starting off just keeping track of time. keeping track of miles is pathetic at my pace and really only disheartens me. i'm hoping santa will bring me a nike+. that way i can be a little more precise without having to wear a watch. i don't even wear a watch when i'm not running, i don't know how you people do it while sweating. and don't get me started on how uncomfortable those heart rate monitors look. but i guess that's what separates me from the big boys. honestly, that is fine by me. just don't take away my vaseline.
true to my non-mathematical precise training, i'm starting off just keeping track of time. keeping track of miles is pathetic at my pace and really only disheartens me. i'm hoping santa will bring me a nike+. that way i can be a little more precise without having to wear a watch. i don't even wear a watch when i'm not running, i don't know how you people do it while sweating. and don't get me started on how uncomfortable those heart rate monitors look. but i guess that's what separates me from the big boys. honestly, that is fine by me. just don't take away my vaseline.
Friday, December 08, 2006
you mean you can run outside in this weather?!
with the temps at 44 degrees, winds at 10 mph, and partly cloudy conditions, runner's world suggested i wear shorts, a long sleeve tech shirt, a vest, gloves, and a hat. which ended up being the perfect get-up to keep me at JUST the right temperature throughout my first outdoor winter run. some highlights:
1. it always takes me awhile to get used to not being on the treadmill. not having something to constantly remind me how fast i'm running, how many calories i've burned and how much time i have left, leaves me wondering whether i'm running too slow, or too fast, or feeling like i've only been running for 5 minutes how can i feel so tired already!!?
2. running hills sucks when you don't know how fast, how far, or how long you've been running.
3. just as i was running the steepest hill, i swear to bob the wind picked up and sure enough it was AGAINST me.
4. i thought for sure i was only out for like 30 minutes, when in fact, i was running for an hour!
5. i did feel tired and defeated because it really didn't FEEL like that long and i had thought for sure i had lost my touch. plus i started to get some faint pain in my right leg in the hip and definitely in the ankle area. it was that growing pain in that area that finally led me back towards the house. i can't determine whether it's from running on the roads or not running in my new-ish orthotics enough. only time will tell.
6. i really have missed the scenery...the hills and mountains EVERYWHERE, the stucco spanish style homes, palm trees.
7. what i didn't drip in sweat, i dripped in snot. barf-ola. my new running gloves not only made a handy hanky, but had a little pocket in the palms for keys!
1. it always takes me awhile to get used to not being on the treadmill. not having something to constantly remind me how fast i'm running, how many calories i've burned and how much time i have left, leaves me wondering whether i'm running too slow, or too fast, or feeling like i've only been running for 5 minutes how can i feel so tired already!!?
2. running hills sucks when you don't know how fast, how far, or how long you've been running.
3. just as i was running the steepest hill, i swear to bob the wind picked up and sure enough it was AGAINST me.
4. i thought for sure i was only out for like 30 minutes, when in fact, i was running for an hour!
5. i did feel tired and defeated because it really didn't FEEL like that long and i had thought for sure i had lost my touch. plus i started to get some faint pain in my right leg in the hip and definitely in the ankle area. it was that growing pain in that area that finally led me back towards the house. i can't determine whether it's from running on the roads or not running in my new-ish orthotics enough. only time will tell.
6. i really have missed the scenery...the hills and mountains EVERYWHERE, the stucco spanish style homes, palm trees.
7. what i didn't drip in sweat, i dripped in snot. barf-ola. my new running gloves not only made a handy hanky, but had a little pocket in the palms for keys!
Thursday, December 07, 2006
the concept of time
i am still on eastern time. since nothing here has acclamated me to pacific time, aka a 9-5 job, i'm still on the eastern clock, getting up at 6 here, 9 there to check in with the office. my computer is still set to eastern time, and i'm much more conscious of the c.o.b. hours on the east than i am here. added to the fact that my parents work non-normal hours, my mind and body are utterly confused. it's no wonder i don't even know what the date is much less the day of the week.
it's odd how routine and schedule can be such comforts. i always thought that having a treadmill at home meant i would just run all day long. but alas, i too even miss driving to the the gym at a routine hour to get my routine workout in. once my car gets here (i shipped it) and my out of state check clears in my new bank account, i'll feel more like myself. but this inbetween? blech.
though on a high note, i had in-n-out burger today. oh you luscious burgers how i've missed you!
it's odd how routine and schedule can be such comforts. i always thought that having a treadmill at home meant i would just run all day long. but alas, i too even miss driving to the the gym at a routine hour to get my routine workout in. once my car gets here (i shipped it) and my out of state check clears in my new bank account, i'll feel more like myself. but this inbetween? blech.
though on a high note, i had in-n-out burger today. oh you luscious burgers how i've missed you!
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
being home: the short version
if you want to read my lengthy post about coming home, grab a bag of chips and a diet coke and read my previous post. if you want the short version, you've come to the right place:
1. my family is as crazy and rambunctious as ever. and even larger!
2. the cousins who have graduated and have real jobs have no problem paying for drinks and concert tickets for the likes of the pseduo unemployed like me.
3. 30 degrees no longer feels deathly cold to me anymore.
4. it's easier to unpack 30 boxes than it is to pack them.
5. my parents have the most ghetto treadmill ever! you can't input specific inclines or speeds. you have to turn the dial from "fat burn mode" to "aerobic" to "performance" slowly increasing the speed. my training is about as imprecise (numberwise) as a person can get, but i don't think i'm going to resort to using a treadmill with a dial instead of digital output. the info on the display toggles between speed, distance, time, calories burned meaning you can't view all the information all at once!! hopefully my brother's girlfriend can get me a good deal at the 24 hour fitness. i've heard even arnold has worked out there before! how long before a real live honest to goodness arnold sighting?!?!
10 years in training
last night on nip/tuck, sean saidsomething to christian that got me thinking.
he said, "i've been your friend and your partner for so long, that i've forgotten who i am."
in a lot of ways, your identity can be somewhat relative. coming back to my family, ALL of my family, i realized again why i had left 10 years ago. to find myself. to find my identity besides what i was in this group of people.
i didn't really know at the time what "finding yourself" meant. i think i even scoffed at the idea. how can you not know where or who you are, i thought. but going away to college, being on my own for the first time, being 3,000 miles away, not any closer than an email, a call, or an 8 hour plane ride away, left me to be me, relative to the entire world. well, at least the entire campus.
first semester, i remember my neighbor from texas and i counted the days until we could go home for christmas break...starting at something ridiculous like 100. we had just gotten there yet couldn't wait to get back. and once i did get home, something strange happened. home wasn't home. or maybe i wasn't me. somehow time had changed the 2 things i always thought i could count on. i remember crying the first night home. what had happened?!
by the end of winter, i had broken things off with my hometown boyfriend and was forced to make college home. i realized there was no home to come back to and that i had to create it for myself with my friends. i remember that going home always meant boredom, meant missing my flourishing life back in dc. and when graduation came, it was only natural that my best friends and i would get an apartment together and i would find a job in dc.
the transition from school to work was actually a little easier than the inital break from california to dc. i can't even recall anything momentous, except for racking up credit card debt. even with getting a second job, hosting, waiting tables, and bartending. in a way the first couple years were a weird hybrid of the college/adult years, where we went to work for 8 hours, but still had the energy and the inclination to party.
but as the years passed, our nights out during the week dwindled, and slowly but surely, one by one, my friends starting coupling off. even the gay ones. in a way, i felt abandoned. even though i didn't blame my friends. there as no one to blame. but here i had left my family to make a new one, and now this one was slowly breaking up. now what?!
i wasn't quite ready to move back home yet, even though eventually i knew i would have to. whether it came to me having to take care of my parents or me deciding i wanted to have a family, i knew at either of those points, we would need each other. but at that point, those things weren't happening and i was staying in dc because i had a relationship of my own that i was working on.
this relationship lasted nearly 6 years. and like any relationship that lasts that long, it went through lots of ups and downs. in summation, i can safely say this: it should NEVER have happened. but it did. but now, 6 months after i ended things, i know why it did. i know why even though he had a live-in girlfriend at the time, why i gave into his pursuit. why i was weak to his charm. why i forgave the many, many times he disappointed me, lied to me, hurt me, betrayed me. why i tried so hard to make it work. why i could have hope when no one else did. why i lit up everytime he walked in a room. why i will still cherish our good times, even though now i know he is a con-artist, pathological liar, drunk and possible sex addict. i now know what liars say when they're trying to manipulate you. what it feels like when your intution tells you something's not right. what it feels like to ache for someone who you know is NOT good for you. what it feels like to have your spirit so beaten up you look in the mirror and don't know who you are anymore and how you got there.
at this point in my life, who i am is still in a lot of ways in direct relation to him. i used to look at my relationship with him as my greatest shame, but now i see it as my greatest triumph.
at my lowest point, my moment of greatest weakness, somehow i was able to dig deep and find the strength that was always there. through it all, i still had fight left and i clawed my way out. and even though on some days, or even weeks, i could barely see through my pain, i trudged on. one foot in front of the other.
in the past 6 months, i feel like i've aged 6 years. finally accepting the ugly ugly truth about someone i loved with all of my being and using all of my strengths and resources to find ways to heal takes a lot out of a person. even a strong woman. about 2 months ago, i decided it was finally, FINALLY time for me to go home.
part of me was just tired. emotionally and physically. and i needed the only support i knew only family could give. but at some point during my packing, what i had realized was that home was within me. my identity wasn't defined by my role in my family, or my friends, or my relationship. it wasn't defined by my age or my profession. the last 6 months have shown me that my core, my being, my sense of self, is strong enough to withstand outside forces. is stronger, more solid, more real than i ever gave myself credit for.
so i was ready for california and my family to feel and be different. i was ready to leave my friends of 10 years. because finally i knew no matter what or where, i would be okay. i would always have me.
at some point in the last 6 months, as cheesy as it sounds, i feel like i took the leap from being a girl to a woman. and not just oh, i became an adult because i feel like being a woman is distinctly different. my intuition was right about a lot of things in the past, and now i have the wisdom listen to it. i felt so vulnerable and lonely at times, but now i know how to truly be a friend to myself. i was so angry and hurt i could barely see straight, but i somehow channeled that energy into forgiving myself. i could have buried myself in work, drinking, or eating, to soothe the pain, but somehow i let all those temptations go by the wayside to do some real soul searching instead.
it's honestly a lot like distance running. about 9 months ago i decided i would run a half marathon when i couldn't even run 1 mile. but it's amazing what your body can do when you challenge it, when you push it farther than comfortable, farther than you thought you could go. suddenly the word "can't" escapes your vocabulary. and even though your body can endure a lot of pain throughout the training, it teaches you a lot about what is right for you. and it teaches you that you can endure the pain today to reach your dream, even when it feels very far off. and there are no shortcuts. either you put in the time and training or you miss out. but once you get there, you know deep in your bones you have what it takes to do anything.
i have my first marathon scheduled for fall of next year. i'm excited about mapping out the races and training before then. and as for the rest of my life, i'll take it all in the same way. set out goals and the baby steps to get there. and the thing about being a "back-of-packer" is that you don't worry about making it there fast. you're proud and happy enough to just be going at it.
he said, "i've been your friend and your partner for so long, that i've forgotten who i am."
in a lot of ways, your identity can be somewhat relative. coming back to my family, ALL of my family, i realized again why i had left 10 years ago. to find myself. to find my identity besides what i was in this group of people.
i didn't really know at the time what "finding yourself" meant. i think i even scoffed at the idea. how can you not know where or who you are, i thought. but going away to college, being on my own for the first time, being 3,000 miles away, not any closer than an email, a call, or an 8 hour plane ride away, left me to be me, relative to the entire world. well, at least the entire campus.
first semester, i remember my neighbor from texas and i counted the days until we could go home for christmas break...starting at something ridiculous like 100. we had just gotten there yet couldn't wait to get back. and once i did get home, something strange happened. home wasn't home. or maybe i wasn't me. somehow time had changed the 2 things i always thought i could count on. i remember crying the first night home. what had happened?!
by the end of winter, i had broken things off with my hometown boyfriend and was forced to make college home. i realized there was no home to come back to and that i had to create it for myself with my friends. i remember that going home always meant boredom, meant missing my flourishing life back in dc. and when graduation came, it was only natural that my best friends and i would get an apartment together and i would find a job in dc.
the transition from school to work was actually a little easier than the inital break from california to dc. i can't even recall anything momentous, except for racking up credit card debt. even with getting a second job, hosting, waiting tables, and bartending. in a way the first couple years were a weird hybrid of the college/adult years, where we went to work for 8 hours, but still had the energy and the inclination to party.
but as the years passed, our nights out during the week dwindled, and slowly but surely, one by one, my friends starting coupling off. even the gay ones. in a way, i felt abandoned. even though i didn't blame my friends. there as no one to blame. but here i had left my family to make a new one, and now this one was slowly breaking up. now what?!
i wasn't quite ready to move back home yet, even though eventually i knew i would have to. whether it came to me having to take care of my parents or me deciding i wanted to have a family, i knew at either of those points, we would need each other. but at that point, those things weren't happening and i was staying in dc because i had a relationship of my own that i was working on.
this relationship lasted nearly 6 years. and like any relationship that lasts that long, it went through lots of ups and downs. in summation, i can safely say this: it should NEVER have happened. but it did. but now, 6 months after i ended things, i know why it did. i know why even though he had a live-in girlfriend at the time, why i gave into his pursuit. why i was weak to his charm. why i forgave the many, many times he disappointed me, lied to me, hurt me, betrayed me. why i tried so hard to make it work. why i could have hope when no one else did. why i lit up everytime he walked in a room. why i will still cherish our good times, even though now i know he is a con-artist, pathological liar, drunk and possible sex addict. i now know what liars say when they're trying to manipulate you. what it feels like when your intution tells you something's not right. what it feels like to ache for someone who you know is NOT good for you. what it feels like to have your spirit so beaten up you look in the mirror and don't know who you are anymore and how you got there.
at this point in my life, who i am is still in a lot of ways in direct relation to him. i used to look at my relationship with him as my greatest shame, but now i see it as my greatest triumph.
at my lowest point, my moment of greatest weakness, somehow i was able to dig deep and find the strength that was always there. through it all, i still had fight left and i clawed my way out. and even though on some days, or even weeks, i could barely see through my pain, i trudged on. one foot in front of the other.
in the past 6 months, i feel like i've aged 6 years. finally accepting the ugly ugly truth about someone i loved with all of my being and using all of my strengths and resources to find ways to heal takes a lot out of a person. even a strong woman. about 2 months ago, i decided it was finally, FINALLY time for me to go home.
part of me was just tired. emotionally and physically. and i needed the only support i knew only family could give. but at some point during my packing, what i had realized was that home was within me. my identity wasn't defined by my role in my family, or my friends, or my relationship. it wasn't defined by my age or my profession. the last 6 months have shown me that my core, my being, my sense of self, is strong enough to withstand outside forces. is stronger, more solid, more real than i ever gave myself credit for.
so i was ready for california and my family to feel and be different. i was ready to leave my friends of 10 years. because finally i knew no matter what or where, i would be okay. i would always have me.
at some point in the last 6 months, as cheesy as it sounds, i feel like i took the leap from being a girl to a woman. and not just oh, i became an adult because i feel like being a woman is distinctly different. my intuition was right about a lot of things in the past, and now i have the wisdom listen to it. i felt so vulnerable and lonely at times, but now i know how to truly be a friend to myself. i was so angry and hurt i could barely see straight, but i somehow channeled that energy into forgiving myself. i could have buried myself in work, drinking, or eating, to soothe the pain, but somehow i let all those temptations go by the wayside to do some real soul searching instead.
it's honestly a lot like distance running. about 9 months ago i decided i would run a half marathon when i couldn't even run 1 mile. but it's amazing what your body can do when you challenge it, when you push it farther than comfortable, farther than you thought you could go. suddenly the word "can't" escapes your vocabulary. and even though your body can endure a lot of pain throughout the training, it teaches you a lot about what is right for you. and it teaches you that you can endure the pain today to reach your dream, even when it feels very far off. and there are no shortcuts. either you put in the time and training or you miss out. but once you get there, you know deep in your bones you have what it takes to do anything.
i have my first marathon scheduled for fall of next year. i'm excited about mapping out the races and training before then. and as for the rest of my life, i'll take it all in the same way. set out goals and the baby steps to get there. and the thing about being a "back-of-packer" is that you don't worry about making it there fast. you're proud and happy enough to just be going at it.
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