2009 has been especially weird because it's been the year of waiting. we had a certain expectation for how patrick's federal job process would go and never did it go according to plan. we had to be both ready to move at a moment's notice yet be prepared to wait and wait and wait until the government was good and ready. i felt constantly jerked from one hope and expectation to another. it's not a fun way to live.
patrick and i spent a lot of this year not only under this stress, but under the odd situation of living together under my parents' roof. and there is no way i could have understood what a HUGE adjustment and learning experience this would be. i firmly believe that no 2 different people could have been matched together. take an only child from a conservative, sheltered southern house and dump him in the house of a big and loud filipino house in california. if that isn't reality tv fodder, i don't know what is. i'd call it 'clash of the cultures'. it sometimes feels like it's the will of the spoiled little boy who always got his way versus the will of the steamroller collective brown family. and so many times was i caught in the middle.
the good news is, i think with time we've all just gotten used to each other more. the way my family does things isn't necessarily how patrick would want to do things, but he is at least used to it and can deal with when he wants to participate and when he doesn't. and i am hoping that the strong ties i have with my family is better respected, if not understood, by him.
in a lot of ways, i feel like i've thrown a whole year down the drain. i was merely surviving. just waiting for when our lives would really begin.
the good news is, patrick completed the last step of the federal job process over thanksgiving. he passed the polygraph and all of the medical requirements. we still have to wait for them to finish the background check and to hear if he passed the psychological evaluation. so we're still waiting, but at least we know we're at the penultimate step. if he finally does get chosen and they send him to training, he has 7 months spread out over georgia, dc, and md. and he still has to pass. lord, help us. if he doesn't pass, i don't know WHAT will happen.
i can't even think like that. my friends ask me how in the hell i've managed to get through all this uncertainty and all i can say is that i know that what is meant to be will be. it's not up to me to decide and i have faith that God is working his plan.
not to say it hasn't been hard. because it has. writing about what still has to happen has started to overwhelm me again. but then, i have to stop. 2009 was so much about patrick. so much worrying. so much about trying to make things better for him. and it feels so very selfish for me to say it, but i want 2010 to be more about me. i go from work, where everyone is calling my name, wanting me to fix everything, to home where my fiance. my mom, my dad, my brothers, my family want something from me. i get sick of it. a lot.
so in 2010, i will strive to carve out more time and space and happiness just for me. my goals this year are to:
- run one race a month.
i've mapped out most of the year, with a few holes in july and august. jan, feb, and march i'll run 5ks. april, may, june are for 10ks. i have some half marathons and other odd distance races in mind for fall and winter. the main idea is to be consistent. and have fun. - lose 50 pounds.
there are 52 weeks in a year. totally, doable, right? and yes, unfortunately, i really do need to lose that much. for now i don't have any strict diet ideas. i want to focus on just eating less (ie: no second helpings and stopping before i feel full) and concentrate most of my energy to running and working out. i've found in the past that once i get my body moving on a regular basis, the diet falls into line quite harmoniously. - do one creative thing everyday, outside of work.
my brain feels stuck in a rut. even though i have about a billion ideas for projects. i'll elaborate more later. - save more money.
surprisingly, 2009 was my best year in saving money, despite having so little of it! and i haven't used a credit card in over a year! right now, about a third of my salary gets banked and i'm looking at other ways to create income (see #3) - pray everyday.
over the past year, i kind of feel like i've built up a wall around me. something to protect me, i suppose. to help steel me against totally giving into despair and frustration. and while this probably has been one of the most stressful years of recent times, i've spent the least amount of time writing and journaling and reflecting. and i want that back.
