what i learned about myself in 2010

i don't know about you, but 2010 was a doozy! it was both good and bad in some extreme ways. i got 2 new jobs. pattycakes and i made the leap into cohabitation and it was more of a transition than i thought it would be. but now we're happier than ever together and excited about our wedding in less than 2 months. my grandma, my last living grandparent, passed away the week of her 93rd birthday. and not a day goes by that i haven't thought of her or my grandpa. this grief is unlike any i've ever felt. financially, pattycakes and i have made it by the skin of our teeth and the generosity of his parents. we're getting by day-to-day but i still struggle with feeling any security in this area.

unfortunately, overall, i've been stressed, tired, and bitchy. and while i was not grossly unhappy, i was rarely happy. my waking thoughts were always filled with something i should be doing. i just couldn't find respite from this worry that pervaded my life. it's like i was overcompensating for all the things i couldn't control by being super-extra-crazy controlling over the things i thought i could control - my work, cleaning the apartment etc. i couldn't keep up with the expectations i held for myself and it just made me more stressed, more tired, and ultimately less productive.

making me one big bitchy unhappy person.

how patrick put up with it, i have no idea.

i really am not proud of the person i was in 2010. i was so quick to snap. i felt so out of control emotionally. i often felt paralyzed and overwhelmed by all that i felt i had to do. so much so that i ended up doing nothing. sitting. eating. feeling awful about the hours, weekends wasted. and despite this downtime, i didn't feel rested.

i'm suddenly reminded of a good week i had in 2010. i was dog-sitting my brother's dog at my parents' house while they were all on vacation in Disneyland. even though i had my normal work routine, the change of staying at my parents' by myself to walk and feed the dog and water the plants was immensely relaxing and refreshing. i remember commenting how it felt like it recharged my batteries.

so what does this tell me?

i need more "me" time. i need to know it's ok to spend time for just myself. a time devoid of worry or thoughts of anyone or anything else. i've been running myself ragged for nothing. and turning myself into a bitchy witchy. i've noticed that the weeks that pattycakes goes to his friends' for game night are the days i get to indulge in me time and we both feel better after that time away from each other. lately, they're lucky if they get together once a month. i find i need at least one night a week to myself. i think i might start calling that day monday.

i need to guard my health. the best measure of my overall well-being is my sleep schedule. for the most part, my body gets tired by itself at around 10 and wakes up by itself between 4:30 and 5:00. i could literally set a clock by my body rhythm. The last few weeks have not been that way. i can't go to bed and it's hard for me to get up. i've been feeling restless. i am mentally and emotionally drained from all my stress but my body has not at all been challenged enough or fed well. i need to start treating my body with more respect by eating more healthy and getting fresh air and exercise.

i am refraining right now from making any weight loss goals. it just sounds like stress city right now.

i need to stop negative self-talk and rewrite a new script for myself. it's sad how often i say, 'i'm so fat and ugly'. i am constantly feeling like i need to do more in every aspect of my life. it's no wonder i always feel so behind! and those bad feelings just end up making me do less because i feel so crappy. so screw that. as greg behrendt says, "don't waste the pretty".

i have other goals for 2011 in order of priority:

1. write up a budget for the year and for every month and stick to it.
2. make new friends.
3. take a web class.
4. build a personal portfolio site.