aha!

from the last post, it's easy to see that i'm a huge procrastinator. i never get it when i meet people who say they don't. i wanna poke those people in the eyes. but even the worst procratinator like me aren't procrastinators in EVERY thing they do. for example, i never procrastinate when it comes to eating. i know that sounds silly, but i read that somewhere and it resonated big with me. this shows me that i am not a doomed procrastinator. and i'm not lazy.

so the question is WHY do i procrastinate at certain things, in this case, getting my job hunt off the ground? doing more reading, i came across a great article about overcoming procrastination. i realized i was 1. overwhelmed at the huge task of finishing and 2. i felt that it had to be done perfectly. no wonder i was paralyzed. the suggestions for overcoming those hurdles make sense and i'm working on them now. and it's helping bring back structure to my work day. working from home can be a struggle, at least for me, because i'm given too much freedom and it's almost like i don't know where to start and end. by setting a strict window of time for work, it leaves me tons of time to fill with leisure WITHOUT the nagging guilt of work needing to be done. whew!

in addition to being overwhelmed, i was scared. scared that i wasn't good enough. scared that i would have to settle for a job i didn't like. scared that i would get in over my head at a job that was too hard. scared that the perfect employment fit wasn't out there for me. then i found this article. what i got from it is that EVERYONE gets scared. from astronauts, to presidents, to moms, to heidi klum. but what seperates the men from the mice is their ability to feel the fear, but do what they need to do anyway. or as john wayne says, "courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway". so that taught me, i'm not weak because i'm not scared. people that i look up to, that have achieved so much have felt just as scared as me.

so, how to push through fear? by recognizing 2 things: that fear is your reaction, not a property of the object of your anxiety (for example, i can dance in public and some people are terrified of that) and that courage is a mental skill, not an emotional one. if courage is a skill, then i can learn it. courage is a matter of conditioning, just like running. the more i face my fears, the better i will get at being courageous. and the more i will be conditioned to facing that which scares me. the article says "fear is not your enemy. it is a compass pointing you to the areas where you need to grow. when you encounter a new fear, celebrate it as an opporunity for growth" WOW. so the direction of my life lies in my fears. wow. pretty deep for someone wondering what the hell to do with her life.

and as for my lack of motivation? i found this article. and not surprisingly, all roads led to fear. to quote the article, "you're letting fears, excuses, and limiting beliefs hold you back. your subconscious mind knows you're settling, so it won't provide any motivational fuel until you step up, face your fears, and drop the excuses...ironically, the real key to motivation is to set goals that scare you." what?! wow! and it made sense. my fear was making me settle for things that felt safe and easy to want and get. i was denying myself from dreaming what i really wanted. and since i was setting my sights so low, of course i was unmotivated. who the hell is motivated to work at an ok job? for ok money? with ok people? turns out mediocrity really doesn't suit me.

another line from the fear article was this, "it's ok if you don't think it's possible for you. it's ok if you don't see how you could ever have it. but don't deny that you want it." aha! why spend a lifetime trying to talk myself out of the very things i really really want? that sounds totally illogical!

so my aha moment has arrived. the only way to motivate myself is to dare to dream what it is i really want, that i've been too afraid to admit to myself for fear of failure. the only way to conquer fear is to attack it a little bit everyday. so that i get good at it. stronger at it. if this doesn't sound like marathon training, i don't know what does.

so i feel renewed. and fortified. and i feel like i have actual tools to get me through the next step.

is this normal?

i've started this post several different ways, not really knowing how to begin. it's been 2 months since i've been home and i don't have a job. in fact, i haven't yet even applied to anything. i've written my resume (that i haven't touched in 6 years!), a cover letter, photographed most of my portfolio, attended a networking event, and wrote a follow up email to a creative director i spoke with. one more big push and i'll have all my pieces photographed and my self-promo package designed. i've talked to my current boss about extending my freelancing contract, but it's still up in the air. it doesn't sound like she's having much luck finding my replacement, and well, i haven't yet found a job to replace my old one.

at the beginning of the month not having a job and not having all my shit together to find one kept me up at night and made me feel like i was the most incompetent person on earth. i've since stopped beating myself up over it, realizing i am indeed NOT a loser and instead am in the best place in my life, on the brink of everything new and exciting.

but yet, i still can't manage to really light a fire under my ass. you know the one that just consumes you, pushes you. the one that won't let you sleep because you just can't stop working. you would think that the idea of possibly being unemployed in a month would motivate someone. you would think that would make someone work their ass off until they secured employment. but not me, and i don't understand why.

am i lazy? scared? unambitious?

i'm so used to holding down 2 jobs, meeting with friends, training for something...and now i'm suddenly given all the time in the world and i've lost all my sense of urgency. and what am i doing with my time? working, yes. but for the most part, i work around time with my family, running, tv programs. my life is the exact opposite of stress. maybe i just need to revel in that? enjoy that? because i will reenter the rat race at some point and stress will resume.

i'm only worried because i've never, ever, ever felt this non-chalant about the direction of my life. usually i'm planning ahead, budgeting, figuring, trying to be proactive. i have a little voice in the back of my head that says i should be more worried, more driven. but for the most part i shrug it off and figure my aha moment will come when it's time.

is this normal?

p.i.a.

i should be thankful.

thankful that i live on a hill. so that no matter what route i take from my house, i will have to face a hill. good for my legs, my butt, my lungs. yeah, yeah, whatever. the hill back up to my house plagued me the entire 5 miles today. i couldn't stop thinking about the hill i'd have to surmount during my last mile. which of course makes for a yucky run. but i got through it, even though i had to stop to stretch my tight left calf about 3 times.

i even surprised myself by getting back in just under an hour, which beats my time last week by a full 5 minutes. which in my opinion is a great pace for someone who's not used to keeping pace without a treadmill.

so i guess i can say i broke even on this run. it wasn't fun or easy, but sometimes a good run is a run that's just done.

sunday

on sunday, i hit the roads...just 'cause. 'cause it was sunny and clear and i'd spent nearly the entire weekend indoors working. so i thought i'd treat myself to a short run.

'cept that it was colder than i'd expected and i felt like a 'tard in my shorts and tee, while everyone else that was out was in pants and jackets. my legs, arms, and hands actually turned red from the cold. and when i could manage to get my legs to move at a decent speed, i realized i hadn't let enough time pass for my lunch to digest. it felt like i was on the verge of a huge burp the entire time. (i've felt this every time i don't run in the morning)

i managed to eke out 2 miles, but it wasn't until i was nearly back home that i felt my legs warming up. too bad the rest of me begged to get back indoors. so my treat wasn't so pleasurable. but it feels good to be back in the running groove again, where on my off days i'm just itching to run.

welcome back legs, i've missed you

6 miles and none of it craptastic! just smooth, fun sailing. with enough energy to spare for negative splits. which i could report if my stopwatch hadn't crapped out mid way through. i know i had negative splits because i upped the speed every half mile or so. all i know for sure is i finished in 75 minutes and felt like i could easily give more.

i can't think of a better way to start off my weekend than a fantastic long run. except for a celebratory beer :)

a thin line between fat and hate

tyra banks of supermodel fame, has said that she's gained 30 pounds since her modelling heyday, putting her 5'10" frame at 160 pounds. while she feels comfortable at this weight, now that she's in "retirement", she says she is hurt by headlines from recent photos of her on the beach: America's Next Top Waddle and Tyra Porkchop. she says "I get so much mail from young girls who say, 'I look up to you, you're not as skinny as everyone else, I think you're beautiful,' " she says. "So when they say that my body is 'ugly' and 'disgusting,' what does that make those girls feel like?"

honestly i don't really like tyra banks and i'm not usually one to defend supermodels, but i do find it alarming that the word fat carries the same level of hate as the n word or the f word (you know which one i mean in this case). except that it is socially acceptable to call someone fat. words like fat and thin are supposed to be just adjectives. like tall and short or even red and blue. but the word fat now connotes so much more. it's an ugly jab people use to demoralize another person. and most people think that's ok.

the fact that the word fat carries so much hate and weight in our society disturbs me more than the statistics about obesity. you can have your opinions on how much responsibility people have over how obese and unhealthy they get, but that doesn't give anyone the right to call other people mean and hateful names.

my first intervals

i've shied away from these workouts because 1. they're hard and 2. i was convinced i could never do them. but i was wrong only about that second part. because they are hard. but doable. here's the breakdown:

800m warmup: 6:51

400m RUN: 2.25 (6.2 mph)
200m WALK: 1:37

400m RUN: 2.35 (6.2 mph)
200m WALK: 1:48

400m RUN: 2.25 (6.2 mph)
200m WALK: 1:51

400m RUN: 2.26 (6.2 mph)
200m WALK: 1:44

400m RUN: 2.25 (6.2 mph)
200m WALK: 1:37

400m RUN: 2.19 (6.5 mph)
200m WALK: 1:53

400m RUN: 2.20 (6.5 mph)
200m WALK: 1:55

400m RUN: 2.26 (6.2 mph)
200m WALK: 1:46

800m COOLDOWN: 6:18

TOTAL MILES: 3.625
TOTAL TIME: 42:48

the hardest part was converting meters into miles and writing out the splits breakdown on a notecard so i could follow along on the treadmill. and the time passes rather quickly, even if i did only run a little oer 3.5 miles. my half training plan has me scheduled for alternating tempo and interval runs. i might just be a speed racer after all.

i heart bacon

i know i'm going to jinx it, but i'm happy to say i've lost 3 pounds. in 3 weeks. which is MUCH better than the gaining 3 pounds in 3 weeks stint i was on in december. and with 13 weeks until my half, i'm hoping i follow the same slow weight loss of a pound a week. especially with my increasing mileage...i'll be able to eat the same and lo and behold, my pants fall off!! and who wouldn't love that?

because here's the thing. i love food. i love bacon, and potato chips. and chocolate cake. and cotton candy. and fried chicken. and beer. and cheese. and i don't think i have to give up any of it for any amount of time. i don't have to eat as much of it or as often, but to live a life NOT being able to eat the great splendors of the buffet table sounds pretty sad to me. as long as i can run strong and my pants size is smaller than my shoe size, i think i'll be ok not looking like jessica biel.

running the numbers

a few weeks ago, i ran across a training program for a half marathon that looked totally frickin' awsome. 'twas for the santa cruz half and the training program was being sponsored by the fleet feet in sf. totally stoaked, i penned in the dates for their information sessions and first workout on my calendar. and when i saw they sponsored bar nights, they had me hooked!

until i ran the numbers...

i live about 50 miles from sf. and it costs $8 in tolls roundtrip. over an 11 week program, the costs add up. if i ran with them twice a week, gas and tolls alone would cost $395 over the course of my training. 3 times a week and that cost jumps to $549. add the $100 program fee and it seems like a steep price to pay just to run a half marathon. especially since i ran my first practically on my own.

so i re-checked out my local fleet feet, in the next town over. they have FREE runs on wednesday nights for ladies, a thursday intervals run, and a saturday easy run of 3-5 miles. and the distance to and from the store is only 17 miles with NO tolls. and that means only $82 to $100 in gas.

so it seems to be a no brainer. sure i may have to run my long runs on my own, unless i find someone in the course of my training that wants to do them with me. and i won't have a "special" training program. but it sure as hell beats paying up to $600!

the next question: do i finally JOIN the gym i've been "trying out" for the past month?

the run where i didn't throw up

a.k.a the run where i proved to myself i have what it takes.

today i came prepared. water. fully charged ipod. clothes that fit me. all i lacked was a positive mental attitude. even on the drive to the gym i began blogging in my head about what a craptastic 5 miles this run would be.

turns out it was only a craptastic 2.5 miles. the last 2.5 miles were like a dream. the kind of dream where you're a size 4 and your hair falls in perfect cascades as you trot along the beach on the french riveria with your beckham-like boytoy. it was seriously THAT good.

i struggled through the first half of my run, inching along at a speed between 4.2 and 4.3 mph. it was excruciating because i just didn't feel like doing it. i wasn't tired. i wasn't sore. i wasn't winded. i just didn't want to do it. but i made myself, pulling out an assortment of tricks to keep my mind occupied until i knew at some point i would reach my sweet spot.

and about halfway through, i hit it. running nirvana. i just felt lighter. i felt like my body had taken over and the nagging thoughts that plagued me dissappeared in my sweat. at that point the gym was starting to get crowded and there were a series of "hoverers". i knew i wouldn't hit 5 miles in time at my current speed, so i actually had the confidence to crank it up a notch. and then another. and another. by the end, i knew i had to sprint the last quarter mile. and in my sweaty haze, my fingers were somehow able to crank the machine up to something ridiculous like 7.5 mph. even more amazing, my legs managed to run it. even if only for the last quarter mile.

the last couple days have been wrought with a lot of uncertainty, mainly about my job situation. which escalates into anxiety about paying my bills, my life becoming a huge mess, turning into a washout, being a big dissapointment. i know these worries are ridiculous, but that doesn't mean that at times part of my brain doesn't go there.

but today's run taught me that i have what it takes. to overcome the mental battle of "i can't". that gritting through what feels uncomfortable and uncertain now can reap me huge rewards later. and that sometimes you just have to kick your own ass.

when things go awry

i should have known that when i couldn't find my keys this morning, it was a sign that i should just stay home.

after searching in every room 5 times, i took off to the gym in my dad's car hoping the run might clear my head to help me look for my keys when i got back. but once i got to the gym i realized i had forgotten my water. doh! ok whatever, spent a dollar, got another water.

undeterred i hopped on the treadmill and started off nice and slow. once i started getting into it, my shorts started slipping. either the elastic had stretched or i had gotten infinitesimally smaller. either way it was annoying. i had to keep pulling them up like every 15 seconds. then i tried to feel comfortable with them riding dangerously low on my hips. but i kept worrying that my crack was in full view. and we all know crack is whack.

and then finally, to end it all, my ipod crapped out...dead battery.

*sigh* some runs aren't meant to be.

we'll try this again tomorrow. after laying out everything i need the night before. and getting a better night's rest.

meh

never call banks or credit card companies first thing in the morning. it's never the best way to start your day. and i thought an afternoon run would help my mood, but it seems i was only weighed down by my thoughts. but it's nothing a HUGE piece of chocolate cake, a couple white russians, UGLY BETTY, and a nice warm bath can't fix.
splits:
mile 1: 11:55
mile 2: 12:36
.75 mile: 10:38

the speed in me

i don't know what possessed me to run outside today, but i did. and am glad i did! i mapped out a mile long route from my house on gmaps to do an out and back run. and while it was the least hilly of all my options, it was still damned hilly.

but the surprise came when my ipod stopwatch revealed i run faster OFF the treadmill. jigga what?!

splits:
mile 1: 11:13
mile 2: 10:24
total: 21:37

pretty good for me. and pretty good for a runner who uses the treadmill as a security blanket. i can only account for the second mile being faster because 1. i was warmed up by then. 2. it is less hilly coming back. 3. i knew i was almost finished so i could push myself without fear of not finishing.

so now i have to say, i'm quite intrigued by this running outside and keeping track of your time thing...running might just teach me to be a numbers person after all.

it's all in the accessories

there's a line in one of my favorite movies that goes: just in case i wasn't a enough of a freak already, let's add a tiara! that's kind of how i felt today. when i donned a sweatband. you know the elastic terrycloth doodads that old men and olivia newton john wear to the gym? my brother had been raving that it really helps keep the sweat out of his eyes. and i'm always looking for solutions to sweat. so i put my pride aside, bought one and strapped it on. i was already wearing a flourescent yellow singlet, so my dorktitude was pretty high anyway.

and i must say, during my 4 mile "long run" that sweatband really did the trick. better than my visor does when i run outside. i may have to invest in a few more of these elastic absorbant wonders. and hope the cute lil running skirts somehow counter balance their dorkiness.

weekend update

3 whole days and not a lick of running. instead:

1. justin timberlake concert. i was instantly turned into a starstruck teenager again. something about the way he dances makes you wonder how he moves when he's NOT on stage. sweet jesus. i'm a sucker for guys who sing and play the piano.

2. shopping. did you know that victoria's secret sells workout clothes?! and this weekend all their clearance was half off! i don't normally shop there because i think their prices are disgusting, but with the sale i was able to buy 13 pairs of undies and a workout skirt and shorts for less than $85 bucks!

3. eating. during the week i was really good about eating well and managed to lose 1.5 pounds. but that was all shot to hell when i got together with my brothers this weekend. there is nothing healthy on the hooters menu. hard to believe i know.

4. drinking and gambling. the nearby race track was having dollar beer night on saturday. and dollar hot dogs. but luckily we had gotten our fill at hooters that we didn't have the hot dog eating contest we had planned. it was my first live horseracing event and it was preety exhilirating. granted we never had more than $5 on any race at a time, and we pooled our money, but still winning 20 cents on the fourth race was the most exciting 20 cents i've ever won.

5. sleeping. too many beers later we all crashed. and spent most of sunday on the couch watching a marathon of ninja warrior competitions.

6. recuperating. i finally got myself a humidifier, and the rest i had on sunday finally kicked whatever ailment i had last week. i'm gonna try to do my 4 miles from this weekend today, and squeeze in the 2 miles i am planned to do today into my other runs or later this week. which shouldn't be too hard.

all of this is probably not how i would have spent the weekend it if i was still on my own on the east coast. but this was the first weekend where i finally felt like i was home. it no longer feels like i'm visiting and i'm not comparing here to there anymore. it feels really really good to have my family be a part of my everyday life again. and that beats all the glamour and sophistication of single urban living any day.

musings from the treadmill

you know how people say running gets them in their happy place? that place of zen and peace and tranquility? where they can escape and clear their head? some people say they get their best ideas on runs and go off to write hit songs, cure diseases, or invent that little gadget that cooks bacon in the microwave so it's all crispy? yeah well, not so much for me. THIS is what goes through my head while i'm on the treadmill:

whoo...okay start off slow...it's called a warmup...ok ok enough with the warmup let's just get to it already, let's crank it up...ok...ok...ok not that much...or THAT much either...ok snail's pace it is...doodoodoo...ew why did i put this song on my playlist...ok much better...doodoodoo...oooh he's kinda cute...but what's with the skull cap, we're inside lame-o...he's got nice arms though...ok now turn around so i can see you from the back...turn turn...there...oooh impressive...hmmm my legs feel like lead...god can i REALLY keep this up for 3 miles?...god damned cookies...i knew i shouldn't have eaten those 3 cookies last night...ok 4 cookies...ok 5 cookies! damn!...or that salami...mmmmmm salami...so we're having spaghetti for lunch today...with meatballs...i wonder how many meatballs i'll eat today...whew, ok first mile done...feeling better...lead feeling gone...ew WHAT IS UP WITH THE PEOPLE WEARING THE VELOUR TRACKSUITS TO THE GYM!?!...aren't you hot people?! they don't make those for people to work out in. they're just for show. just for lounging...you're not fooling anyone. just because it LOOKS sporty doesn't mean it's actually FOR sports...dumbasses...oooh but SHE'S got some killer legs though...damn why can't my legs look like that?..."i be up in the gym just workin' on my fitness, he's my witness..."...ooh gotta remember to keep my abs tight...tight abs, tight abs...should i really run outside on saturday?...20ish degree weather?...does michael really want to drive to tahoe on saturday?...i don't know if i'm up for cold weather this weekend...god when is summer gonna get here already?...i wonder if there will be any cute boys in my training group...woo hoo 2 miles only one more to go...funny how running makes it EASIER for me to breathe...doodoodoo...doodoodoo...i wonder what i'm gonna wear to the concert tomorrow...hmmm no not that, it's too cold...no not that...or that...or...hey! what the...omg will you two shut the eff up?! seriously? you're doing that here? right now? you've GOT to be kidding me...dumb ass bitc....

this was when the girl to my left and the girl to my right started chatting it up with each other, really loudly, talking over (or through me) i guess. so loud that i could hear them over my ipod that i had on full blast. it's like hearing your favorite song then someone playing static behind it. and i already had enough going on in my head that i didn't need to hear their chatter too.

so in the 8 minutes i had left, i adjusted my position on the treadmill to obstruct the view they had of each other and when they would adjust theirs, i would adjust mine. fun little game we had going, until the girl on my left got the hint, jumped off her treadmill and hovered behind mine to wait til i was done to commence the gabfest.

so yeah no heights of enlightenment today, but i'm at least not feeling as sickly and got my second of three running workouts in...as for saturday we'll see if i brave temps cold enough to wear pants and a beanie or whether i'll head inside and brave gabby gym gals again.

bubble girl

i don't know what it is, but i seem to have become a petri dish for any and all germs lately. as i walked to my car saturday night after a party, i shivered and just KNEW. fu*k i'm gonna be sick. and sure enough on sunday i felt like poo. and sometime last month when i went out to get the mail i took in a sharp breath of air and couldn't stop hacking for a week. before that it was strep throat and before that it was a sinus infection. this amount of sick is more sick than i usually am in a year.

today it's not one of those oh man i better stay in bed all day kinda sicks. it's like the hangnail of being sick...i'm constantly clearing my throat because of a weird nagging tickle that sometimes becomes a cough. that and i just feel weak. which is made worse from the weights class i took last night. i still feel good enough to think that running 3 miles today won't kill me, but the thought of being at the gym with other sweaty bodies with god knows WHAT germs has me running for the covers. and airborne.

so i'm trading tomorrow's rest day with today and hoping that being a bubble girl will get me well enough to run my 2 other workouts this week and make it to the justin timberlake concert this friday! ya think making a sign that says, "JT, i'm single too" is crazy?

this is what i look like running

except i'm sweaty and my hair is either plastered to my face or sticking out in random places. oh and that small matter about my thighs rubbing together. oh and i usually have some sort of dorky waist belt to hold water and/or keys and/or id and/or my cell phone. i guess when you're kate hudson you don't have to bother carrying any of that because people know who you are and know to contact goldie hawn. and i don't usually run in my bikini with my nano tucked into the bra because seriously, HOW IS THAT EVEN COMFORTABLE?

regardless, ms. hudson looks DAMN good. and i'm thankful i don't have paparazzi taking pictures of me while i workout. if there were, those pictures would end up in the STAR magazine under the title: stars with cellulite. am i the only one who LOVES reading those issues?

taking out the trash

i cheated today. but in a good way. i ran more than my training plan had scheduled. which i know could also be bad what with overtraining or whatever. but i felt good. and i felt strong. and i didn't go over my 2 mile plan by THAT much. plus i seriously can't fathom getting dressed, driving to the gym, stretching, and taking a shower for just 2 miles of running. so i extended my easy run to 3.75 miles and a full 48 minutes. twas the best 48 minutes of my day. sometimes running can be such an escape that i don't want to stop. but when i do, it at least gives me the boost i need.

i felt so good after my run that i didn't wince too much when i got on the scale and saw that i had gained yet ANOTHER pound. i've weighed myself every time i've gone to the gym this week and each time i've been one pound heavier than the last time. the gravity must be heavier in california than it is on the east coast. it can't have anything to do with all the home cooked food i've been devouring. i know my mom and all my aunts mean well when they cook all my favorite foods in one meal, but i've seriously GOT to stop eating like it's my last meal.

and to that end, today my mom and i did something unthinkable. we trashed all the goodies in the house. all the chocolates, candies, cookies, and other delectable treats that had been accumulating from friends and neighbors. there was just NO possible way the three of us, one of whom is diabetic, was gonna finish it all. i know there are starving kids in melawi, but the trashbag of sweets we pitched wouldn't have been good for them either. half the stuff was food i wouldn't have picked out anyway.

i'm not expecting a miracle when it comes to my weight. i know it will drop eventually once i start racking up the weekly miles. i'm just glad i saved a couple pairs of fat pants when i moved.

psyching myself up

i'm a big fan of resolutions. i'm most reflective about this around my birthday which is in the middle of august, so it's nice to get another surge of inspiration come january.

this year though, i feel a lot of pressure. the upside to having a fresh start is having hope and endless possibilities. the downside is that i feel like i have to be "better" at "it" this time around. whatever that means. i've been avoiding writing down my resolutions because i'm trying to fool myself into believing that not having goals is better than having goals and possibly not achieving them. which is totally dumb dumb logic i know. but who said fear is logical?

the one area of my life where my goals are pretty clear to me is my running. so maybe if i start "officially" posting those goals, i'll gather the courage to just dive in head first instead of pussy-footing around the shallow end of the pool. so...this year i want to:

1. run my first marathon! (i have my sights set on the nike women's marathon. 1. for the jewelry and 2. it's local)
2. run at least 2 half marathons (i have my sights set on the santa cruz half in april and the runsf half in july)
3. run at least 3 days a week, every week

that's it. pretty simple. i'm sure once i get back into the groove or running regularly, i'll feel more comfortable challenging myself even more.

so, other non-running related goals. this year, i also want to:

1. learn to sew. (this petite chick wants to learn to hem her own pants! and make curtains! and cute dresses!)
2. pay off one of my credit cards.
3. find steady employment, whether it be with my old company i'm freelancing for now or a new job here.
4. live up to (or down to, i guess) the weight documented on my driver's license.

again, pretty simple. once the employment thing works out, i think i'll feel more confident about making more plans and goals.

on the whole, i really am excited about what this year has in store for me. and considering the amount of change that has happened in my life in the past 6 months, i think it's only normal for me to want to take this next phase slow, even if i really am teeming with excitement on the inside.

it's funny, because now after i've written all this, i've really psyched myself up. maybe 2007 won't be so scary after all.

face to face

i just stood there. stricken with fear, unable to move. i thought i had already faced this demon. i thought i had conquered it. but here i was paralyzed with terror. again. thoughts raced through my brain but all i could really think was, how could this be? HOW?!

how could there possibly be bathing suits out in the stores in JANUARY!?! ugh!

60 minutes

an hour is plenty of time for a good kickboxing workout. but an hour is definitely NOT enough time for dinner to digest before said kickboxing class. oof! there were definitely some times between kicking combos that i thought for sure i would spew. luckily i was able to keep it all down and get through the class. now that i've had some time to sit, my belly still feels like icky. i should probably follow my pre-run eating habits when it comes to kickboxing and save the bulk of my meal for AFTER exercise. unless i want to be known as barfy mc barfeson at the gym. and there are too many cute guys at my new gym to risk that.

starting on the right foot

i found it!!!

a half marathon, 4 months away. enough time for me to get my runner's legs back and train to beat my pathetic sinus infection inflicted half marathon time in september. not only that, but the race is in santa cruz along the pacific coastline. whoa baby!

not only that, i found a training group in sf that actually sounds like fun! any group that incorporates bar nights, shopping nights, prizes and after parties is MY kind of group.

now this is a great way to start the year!

day 3

i wasn't too sore when i started my run. and i was kinda bored running at the 14 minute mile my schedule had planned, so i kicked it up a little every quarter mile or so and finished my 2 miles in 26 minutes. my upper body hurt more than anything...stupid pushups.

but now an hour and a half later, the soreness has settled into my bottom half. and the only time i don't feel any discomfort is when i sit in the recliner. so i guess that's just what i'll have to do all day :)

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i just finished watching matchpoint. that movie is seriously some effed up shit.

*grumble*grumble*

stupid total body conditioning.

stupid pushups. stupid crunches. stupid lunges. stupid squats. stupid hurty triceps. and biceps. and shoulders. stupid muscles i forgot i had. stupid scale saying i weigh 2 pounds more than i did yesterday.

stupid instructor and her stupid long legs. stupid hour long torture turning my body into jelly.

i get to do this again on tuesday, right? cool.

coming out of hibernation

i've run all of 4 times in the month of december. which is about the number of times i got off my duff to run in november. and probably october. it's been a stellar quarter indeed.

but last night i officially mapped out a 6 week training program for a 10k on 2/10. and today i finally joined a gym. yup, yup, my friends, i'm comin' outta hibernation.

i almost laughed when i saw that i had two 14 minute miles scheduled, but it was a relief. with my "long run" at only 3 miles, the transition back to the world of running should be pretty smooth and i can build my base again no problem.

so 2 miles today in 28 minutes. it's amazing that at one point i could run 13 no problem, and i'm back at a point where i'm looking at the clock praying and wishing the miles could somehow tick off faster without my heart pounding out of my chest. it didn't feel THAT hard, but it didn't feel THAT fun either. but it will. soon.

pandora's box of mp3s

my friend's husband turned me onto an awesome music site: pandora internet radio

you type in either a song or an artist you like and it searches through a directory of music and finds songs that are similar in taste. it hones its selections even more based on whether you give a song and thumbs up or down. it tells you why it chose a certain song, gives you artist and album info and includes a link to iTunes and amazon. you can save up to 100 channels so you can create stations of a variety of genres, moods, etc.

it's a great way to get exposure to a lot more music than you do if you just listen to your ipod or the radio all day. and for someone like me who gets bored of her running playlists within like 3 workouts, i see this website being a great help in broadening my horizons!

it's free, if you don't mind ads, which to be honest aren't really annoying on this site. but you can buy a subscription if that kind of thing bugs you.

@%#&!!!!!

watch deal or no deal while on the treadmill and i guarantee you'll sweat just a little more than usual. that and bite off half your fingernails. and no it's not because i think howie mandel is hot. **shudder** holy mary mother of bob, there isn't an hour of television that i don't scream at the television more. and it's an hour long, so it guarantees you're sweating for a full hour. luckily i was at home and could curse freely and loudly without anyone thinking i have torrets.

no running...

just knitting...my fingers have been feverishly trying to get every hat and scarf done before our family party on saturday. tonight i finished a hat and a scarf while watching 40 year old virgin and the sound of music. and i've been put in charge of present wrapping because i love it so darned much. so my hands have been pretty busy.

but i guess it keeps me out of trouble. :)

and now, a gratuitious nephew picture: from this weekend:

where have all the runners gone?

my hometown is officially the worst running town ever. i just spent the last hour and a half driving around to various parks and "trails" only to be sorely dissapointed by their conditions or their level of safety. even my old high school track ended up being a bust as there was some game going on rendering the track occupied. i even drove a ways to the community college track only to find it so deserted on a saturday i felt too afraid to be out there myself.

i guess i was just spoiled. living in dc afforded me plenty of trail options within walking distance from my house, office, and metro. tomorrow i'm driving up to sacramento where there seems to be more of a gold mine of running hot spots. at some point today i'm making it to the running store in the next town over from me. i'm sure they MUST have the inside scoop. sometimes word of mouht is a much better resource than the internet, which shows no local running groups in a 10 mile radius of my town.

but i'm determined to find something. i'm not content to just run on the treadmill at home or the gym or on the streets of my neighborhood. i will find a trail, a running space to call home.
------------
UPDATE!
the local fleet feet ended up being a great resource! got flyers for their half marathon training program and a 10K in february. they also pointed me in the direction of a park with lots of trails. i checked it out on the way home and it looks promising. they also have groups that run every night of the week, though there are only 2 that are geared for me. but i think i might have to check them out at some point. though it's always intimidating because everyone that worked at the store was like 1% body fat.

i know i sound really angsty lately but i'm in a HUGE adjustment period and i always find change painful. even when it is welcome.

what i miss

"This trip should be even better than the last one as this time I’m bringing comfortable shoes and my best friend." this was the last line in dooce's post yesterday about her upcoming trip to NYC.

i can't tell you how much this line made me ache. ache for the love and companionship that only your lover can give. the love that is different from friendship and family. the kind of love that i believe only a few successful couples on this earth have. the kind of couples you want to hate but can't because you're too in awe of the love they're blessed with.

as a single woman you are faced with two very conflicting beliefs: 1. that you'll be ok if you're single forever and 2. that the love of your life is out there. everyone knows half of all marriages end in divorce. and we all know the couples who stay married but probably shouldn't, or are so abysmally unhappy and/or dysfunctional it makes you glad you're single. the statistics are very much stacked against happy, healthy coupledom. but even knowing all this, you still have to hope, you can't help but hope. i don't know one single woman of ANY age, no matter what her resume, stock portfolio, or passport says, who doesn't have that hope. it's that bittersweetness of empowered singlehood.

i have no doubt in my mind that my singlehood is very much what i need right now. but i'd be lying if i said part of me didn't want santa to bring me the love of my life for christmas. yes i'm ok by myself but part of the reason i moved home was because i missed the value my family added to my life. so it stands to reason that the value of "your ultimate best friend" is something really worth wanting.

it's almost like if i hadn't loved my ex boyfriend as much as i did, i wouldn't have that to miss now. but i did. and i do. and not so much him, but the IDEA of that love. i miss believing in that love and the idea that it was real. it's much harder to believe in that kind of love with a faceless, nameless person you hope exists and who you hope you run into at the grocery store or something.

not to say my life can't and won't be full without a partner. but knowing what that kind of love feels like, tastes like, and smells like, i know deep down that life isn't the same without it.

utterly random and totally unrelated

1. my nephew waited until after his mom came home to poop a nice, big, messy, wet one, thereby saving me from cleaning up doo doo stew. i knew i loved that kid for a reason.

2. i took my dad out to lunch for his birthday today and he asked me what kind of guy i was looking to marry. when i asked for his recommendation he said, "well, you know, you're kinda...easily excitable...kinda jumpy, so you need someone understanding. you need someone mellow." of all my fabulous characteristics, that's what my dad brings up. i just had to laugh. but he does have a point.

3. at around 8:30 i decided i was finally hungry for dinner, so i crept downstairs to find something to eat. i flipped the switch in the kitchen and before the light even came on, my mom magically appeared from the other room. "you hungry now? you want some shrimp? some steak? a burger? it's really easy, i can make it quick for you." seriously, easier than rubbing a magic lamp and having a genie appear. all i really was expecting to eat was some cereal, salami, and an avocado. which would have been WAY more food than i kept in my fridge when i lived alone. but i could not pursuade my mom that what i had in mind for dinner was nutritious enough and she insisted on making me a burger. so ya know, i let her :) but i washed all the dishes.

4. i was having major angst bc the station i used to listen to in DC no longer comes in over the internet for some dumb reason. but i found the BEST radio station ever: "MOVIN' 99.7 FM" in SF. it's FREAKING awesome, playing everything i could ever want in my itunes collection. top 40 hits from the 80s, 90s, 00s, and today. they play every top 40 hit from my whole life! songs i listened to on TAPE in my walkman! songs i used to record off the radio then make into mix tapes for my friends! i've been listening to it for the past 3 hours and NOT A SINGLE SONG has repeated.

the only problem is i fear my generation may be just a decade away from "the oldies". i mean my friends and i always joked that we'd be "old" one day and "baby got back" would come on the oldies station and we would get up off our rockers and start shaking our asses totally embarrassing our kids. but that day may be closer than i thought.

the station says they play music that "makes you feel good". for pete's sake they're called movin' 99.7. how dorky IS that? they say they play music "from today and back in the day, when you were in school." so yeah, i'm officially getting old.

unconventional crosstraining

i'm babysitting my 15 month old nephew who for the past few days has suffered explosive diarrhea. so far no poops yet and i'm praying that he's on the mend today so i don't have to suffer from it as well. i hear it can be QUITE a spectacle.

the lil monkey is down for a nap only because we danced the entire morning to the backyardigans. swirling and tossing a 20 pound bebe can work up quite a sweat...i might just snuggle up next to him and get a nap in myself. who knows WHAT the afternoon will hold!

making friends with the ghetto treadmill

40 minutes on the ghetto treadmill. i can't figure out if 4.5 mph feels hard because i'm out of shape again or if the ghetto treadmill is calibrated wrong. or perhaps a combo of the 2. i'm trying not to be hard on myself because it's been well over a month since i've run with any regularity. probably closer to 2 and a half months. egad! but if that's the truth, it's a miracle i can even run at all for any length of time.

true to my non-mathematical precise training, i'm starting off just keeping track of time. keeping track of miles is pathetic at my pace and really only disheartens me. i'm hoping santa will bring me a nike+. that way i can be a little more precise without having to wear a watch. i don't even wear a watch when i'm not running, i don't know how you people do it while sweating. and don't get me started on how uncomfortable those heart rate monitors look. but i guess that's what separates me from the big boys. honestly, that is fine by me. just don't take away my vaseline.

you mean you can run outside in this weather?!

with the temps at 44 degrees, winds at 10 mph, and partly cloudy conditions, runner's world suggested i wear shorts, a long sleeve tech shirt, a vest, gloves, and a hat. which ended up being the perfect get-up to keep me at JUST the right temperature throughout my first outdoor winter run. some highlights:

1. it always takes me awhile to get used to not being on the treadmill. not having something to constantly remind me how fast i'm running, how many calories i've burned and how much time i have left, leaves me wondering whether i'm running too slow, or too fast, or feeling like i've only been running for 5 minutes how can i feel so tired already!!?

2. running hills sucks when you don't know how fast, how far, or how long you've been running.

3. just as i was running the steepest hill, i swear to bob the wind picked up and sure enough it was AGAINST me.

4. i thought for sure i was only out for like 30 minutes, when in fact, i was running for an hour!

5. i did feel tired and defeated because it really didn't FEEL like that long and i had thought for sure i had lost my touch. plus i started to get some faint pain in my right leg in the hip and definitely in the ankle area. it was that growing pain in that area that finally led me back towards the house. i can't determine whether it's from running on the roads or not running in my new-ish orthotics enough. only time will tell.

6. i really have missed the scenery...the hills and mountains EVERYWHERE, the stucco spanish style homes, palm trees.

7. what i didn't drip in sweat, i dripped in snot. barf-ola. my new running gloves not only made a handy hanky, but had a little pocket in the palms for keys!

the concept of time

i am still on eastern time. since nothing here has acclamated me to pacific time, aka a 9-5 job, i'm still on the eastern clock, getting up at 6 here, 9 there to check in with the office. my computer is still set to eastern time, and i'm much more conscious of the c.o.b. hours on the east than i am here. added to the fact that my parents work non-normal hours, my mind and body are utterly confused. it's no wonder i don't even know what the date is much less the day of the week.

it's odd how routine and schedule can be such comforts. i always thought that having a treadmill at home meant i would just run all day long. but alas, i too even miss driving to the the gym at a routine hour to get my routine workout in. once my car gets here (i shipped it) and my out of state check clears in my new bank account, i'll feel more like myself. but this inbetween? blech.

though on a high note, i had in-n-out burger today. oh you luscious burgers how i've missed you!

being home: the short version

if you want to read my lengthy post about coming home, grab a bag of chips and a diet coke and read my previous post. if you want the short version, you've come to the right place:

1. my family is as crazy and rambunctious as ever. and even larger!
2. the cousins who have graduated and have real jobs have no problem paying for drinks and concert tickets for the likes of the pseduo unemployed like me.
3. 30 degrees no longer feels deathly cold to me anymore.
4. it's easier to unpack 30 boxes than it is to pack them.
5. my parents have the most ghetto treadmill ever! you can't input specific inclines or speeds. you have to turn the dial from "fat burn mode" to "aerobic" to "performance" slowly increasing the speed. my training is about as imprecise (numberwise) as a person can get, but i don't think i'm going to resort to using a treadmill with a dial instead of digital output. the info on the display toggles between speed, distance, time, calories burned meaning you can't view all the information all at once!! hopefully my brother's girlfriend can get me a good deal at the 24 hour fitness. i've heard even arnold has worked out there before! how long before a real live honest to goodness arnold sighting?!?!

10 years in training

last night on nip/tuck, sean saidsomething to christian that got me thinking.

he said, "i've been your friend and your partner for so long, that i've forgotten who i am."

in a lot of ways, your identity can be somewhat relative. coming back to my family, ALL of my family, i realized again why i had left 10 years ago. to find myself. to find my identity besides what i was in this group of people.

i didn't really know at the time what "finding yourself" meant. i think i even scoffed at the idea. how can you not know where or who you are, i thought. but going away to college, being on my own for the first time, being 3,000 miles away, not any closer than an email, a call, or an 8 hour plane ride away, left me to be me, relative to the entire world. well, at least the entire campus.

first semester, i remember my neighbor from texas and i counted the days until we could go home for christmas break...starting at something ridiculous like 100. we had just gotten there yet couldn't wait to get back. and once i did get home, something strange happened. home wasn't home. or maybe i wasn't me. somehow time had changed the 2 things i always thought i could count on. i remember crying the first night home. what had happened?!

by the end of winter, i had broken things off with my hometown boyfriend and was forced to make college home. i realized there was no home to come back to and that i had to create it for myself with my friends. i remember that going home always meant boredom, meant missing my flourishing life back in dc. and when graduation came, it was only natural that my best friends and i would get an apartment together and i would find a job in dc.

the transition from school to work was actually a little easier than the inital break from california to dc. i can't even recall anything momentous, except for racking up credit card debt. even with getting a second job, hosting, waiting tables, and bartending. in a way the first couple years were a weird hybrid of the college/adult years, where we went to work for 8 hours, but still had the energy and the inclination to party.

but as the years passed, our nights out during the week dwindled, and slowly but surely, one by one, my friends starting coupling off. even the gay ones. in a way, i felt abandoned. even though i didn't blame my friends. there as no one to blame. but here i had left my family to make a new one, and now this one was slowly breaking up. now what?!

i wasn't quite ready to move back home yet, even though eventually i knew i would have to. whether it came to me having to take care of my parents or me deciding i wanted to have a family, i knew at either of those points, we would need each other. but at that point, those things weren't happening and i was staying in dc because i had a relationship of my own that i was working on.

this relationship lasted nearly 6 years. and like any relationship that lasts that long, it went through lots of ups and downs. in summation, i can safely say this: it should NEVER have happened. but it did. but now, 6 months after i ended things, i know why it did. i know why even though he had a live-in girlfriend at the time, why i gave into his pursuit. why i was weak to his charm. why i forgave the many, many times he disappointed me, lied to me, hurt me, betrayed me. why i tried so hard to make it work. why i could have hope when no one else did. why i lit up everytime he walked in a room. why i will still cherish our good times, even though now i know he is a con-artist, pathological liar, drunk and possible sex addict. i now know what liars say when they're trying to manipulate you. what it feels like when your intution tells you something's not right. what it feels like to ache for someone who you know is NOT good for you. what it feels like to have your spirit so beaten up you look in the mirror and don't know who you are anymore and how you got there.

at this point in my life, who i am is still in a lot of ways in direct relation to him. i used to look at my relationship with him as my greatest shame, but now i see it as my greatest triumph.
at my lowest point, my moment of greatest weakness, somehow i was able to dig deep and find the strength that was always there. through it all, i still had fight left and i clawed my way out. and even though on some days, or even weeks, i could barely see through my pain, i trudged on. one foot in front of the other.

in the past 6 months, i feel like i've aged 6 years. finally accepting the ugly ugly truth about someone i loved with all of my being and using all of my strengths and resources to find ways to heal takes a lot out of a person. even a strong woman. about 2 months ago, i decided it was finally, FINALLY time for me to go home.

part of me was just tired. emotionally and physically. and i needed the only support i knew only family could give. but at some point during my packing, what i had realized was that home was within me. my identity wasn't defined by my role in my family, or my friends, or my relationship. it wasn't defined by my age or my profession. the last 6 months have shown me that my core, my being, my sense of self, is strong enough to withstand outside forces. is stronger, more solid, more real than i ever gave myself credit for.

so i was ready for california and my family to feel and be different. i was ready to leave my friends of 10 years. because finally i knew no matter what or where, i would be okay. i would always have me.

at some point in the last 6 months, as cheesy as it sounds, i feel like i took the leap from being a girl to a woman. and not just oh, i became an adult because i feel like being a woman is distinctly different. my intuition was right about a lot of things in the past, and now i have the wisdom listen to it. i felt so vulnerable and lonely at times, but now i know how to truly be a friend to myself. i was so angry and hurt i could barely see straight, but i somehow channeled that energy into forgiving myself. i could have buried myself in work, drinking, or eating, to soothe the pain, but somehow i let all those temptations go by the wayside to do some real soul searching instead.

it's honestly a lot like distance running. about 9 months ago i decided i would run a half marathon when i couldn't even run 1 mile. but it's amazing what your body can do when you challenge it, when you push it farther than comfortable, farther than you thought you could go. suddenly the word "can't" escapes your vocabulary. and even though your body can endure a lot of pain throughout the training, it teaches you a lot about what is right for you. and it teaches you that you can endure the pain today to reach your dream, even when it feels very far off. and there are no shortcuts. either you put in the time and training or you miss out. but once you get there, you know deep in your bones you have what it takes to do anything.

i have my first marathon scheduled for fall of next year. i'm excited about mapping out the races and training before then. and as for the rest of my life, i'll take it all in the same way. set out goals and the baby steps to get there. and the thing about being a "back-of-packer" is that you don't worry about making it there fast. you're proud and happy enough to just be going at it.

home

i've thought of and written a bunch of versions of this post...of how i've been feeling about returning home and starting over...and i don't think i have quite processed it enough to put it into words. but as the minute draws ever nearer, my emotions are flooding, brimming, swelling. i've sometimes had to stuff them back in because i'm at work, or in public, or whatever. but soon, i will finally have the peace and privacy to just let everything out. and i will have time to properly reflect on the 10 year chapter of my life that has brought me to a whole new awareness and appreciation of myself as a woman.

but all the heavy stuff aside, i'm excited. and confident that i'm doing exactly the right thing. and THAT feels good.

my fellow californians

doesn't ah-nold look so statesmanly?

even though i know he's the governator of my new homestate (my dad actually voted for him!), i was still shocked (and a little tickled) to see his face in the california driver's handbook.

in his letter, he urges his fellow californians to wear their seat belts and to not drink or do drugs and drive. (yeah, tell that to mel gibson!) but it was written so...normally...so generically...so unlike what i know his voice and accent really sound like...i mean really, can you really imagine the terminator talking about the civic responsibility of using your turn signal?

i heart drugs

i somehow managed to get strep throat, which is apparently very rare for adults. considering i haven't kissed anyone, i can only deduce that i somehow licked something offensive. scary thought.

but thanks to tylenol and penecillin, i am on my way to recovery. no more chills and fever. my throat still hurts, but it's a little more bearable. with about 8 hours of rest i felt better enough to get some of my errands done. and in roughly 12 hours, i will no longer be contagious.

the human body is such a strange and delicate thing. one minute i was feeling fine but by the afternoon i could barely swallow without wincing in pain, and by the next morning i felt so weak and crappy i could barely get up to pee. all because a strain of bacteria, invisible to the human eye, has been coursing through my body attacking my throat. and now a medicine borne from mold is fighting the good fight to bring me back to normal. all this going on inside my body, while it tries to do the normal everyday stuff too. no wonder i need rest!

you would think that since my body is acting in overdrive to kill the offensive bacteria that maybe, just maybe, i could be burning more calories than normal. and perhaps i could be losing weight! but even if that theory were true, i've eaten too much ice cream today. a girl's gotta soothe her sore throat SOMEHOW :)

BAH!

i'm sick and i got a speeding ticket yesterday that will cost me $147. i was on 66 at 7am going 72 in a 55 mph zone. but i wasn't the ONLY one going that fast! i know i know, i was still speeding. but seriously, getting my FIRST ever speeding ticket after having my license for 12 years, 5 days before i move out of the state!!! can i please rack up more unnecesary expenses before christmas?

not to mention the fact that my laptop died last week! and oh yeah, i'm MOVING and my job situation is a little rickety considering i will only be freelancing, instead of having a steady income.

and now, after i finally got all my packing and shipping done, I GET SICK!

i still have to take care of some last minute errands before my car gets shipped, tie up all my projects at work and have a packed social calendar trying to say good bye to everyone!

BUT I FEEL LIKE SHIZ! achy, fevery, and my throat is on fire! i'm just waiting for the minute clinic to open since it's sunday and i don't want to have to go to urgent care for something like this. but i can't afford to be sick these last few days and i sure as heck don't want to be sick on an airplane that has to travel the length of the country.

this is when being single S.U.C.K.S! damnit i swear i can take care of a lot of stuff by myself, but when i get sick and feel like crap, but still have stuff to do, it makes me wish i had an s.o. to help me out and take care of me. or at least a cabana boy. making your own chicken soup when you're sick is the WORST thing about being single.

so that's the whiniest thanksgiving post ever, huh? honestly, i had a fabulous thanksgiving with some really great friends and the best organic homemade meal ever. and my move hasn't really been as stressful as i've whined about (up until now when my body just wants to hide under the covers after i cut out my throat).

i am most thankful for my family waiting for me back in california and the attention and love (and copious amounts of food) they will shower on me upon my return. nothing cures germs and stress better than that!

happy turkey trot

this will be my 10th, but final, thanksgiving away from my family. and even better, this year i'll be home for christmas. but as for tomorrow, safe travels and happy eating everyone! while my family feasts on crab and prime rib on the west coast (we're not really big turkey and cranberry people), i'll be spending time with my favorite floridian sisters in the nation's capital, probably imbibing more than eating. and definitely not running :)

good for what ails ya V2

who people magazine missed in their tribute to the sexiest men alive,in no particular order:

steve young (in the uniform and out)
mike rowe (yes the dirty jobs guy)
hugh laurie (i NEVER miss an episode of house)
david beckham (i can't even put it into words)
gilbert arenas (have you SEEN him play basketball?)
the rock (he makes tattoos look hot)
mos def (ooof!)
jack johnson (will you marry me?)

good for what ails ya

i'm tense, she said.

ya think?!

according to my masseuse on saturday, i had a lot of lactic acid built up around my upperback, shoulders and neck. she used all her force to massage and dissipate the stubborn bubbles of acid. it was actually kinda painful. very therapeutic, but painful. she slathered on the biofreeze and rested a warm towel on my back. then she stretched me out in other areas, aligning my limbs back to their proper position. but my favorite part of all was the scalp massage. i swear to bob nothing feels better than that.

so she sent me home with orders to drink tons of water to help get rid of all that newly dissapaited lactic acid. and 6 samples of biofreeze. and i have to say, they've been working like a charm on the random aches i've been getting lately. and i smell de-lish, let me tell ya. hey maybe that's why that 60 year old man complimented my outfit in the elevator. makes sense now.

bizarro-world

i've been living in bizarro-world the last few weeks. between packing up boxes, selling all my furniture and most of my worldly possessions, slowly saying goodbye to my friends, winding things down at work, living in a world between here and there has taken its toll on me mentally and physically. hence my lack luster running and my sleeping-on-the-couch-back-achiness.

i'm not really stressed about it, except for maybe the 3 pounds i keep gaining and losing. . so i told myself i would be better about my eating habits. but then the day goes by and i eat a doughnut or a piece of cake, or i order pizza and then i'm like DOH! i keep forgetting i'm on a diet.

i can't wait til i move, just so i'm not in-between anymore, and i can firmly plant my roots down and get to some serious training

i ain't no swiss miss

45 minutes on the "alpine" setting on level 8.

UGH!

it's amazing how slow you can still "run" when the incline level is set to 10. this particular "alpine" setting is horrendous because it has you literally climing for what seems like forever, unlike the other machine where it's 3 minutes at 1 then 3 minutes at 5 then 3 minutes at 1 then three minutes at 8. this was getting steeper, then steeper, then steeper, then ok time to go back down but slowly, slowly, slowly.

i don't know how those von trap family children did it.

oof

i didn't get up this morning to run like i had planned. i was just too cranky. i've had to sleep on my couch since i sold my bed but the couch was hurting my back so i moved to the floor, but then in the middle of the night the floor started to hurt my hips so i moved back on the couch. so i cut myself some slack for not wanting to run first thing in the morning, if i resolved to do it after work.

which i totaly intended on doing. until now. 4 hours after my nacho chili burrito bowl, which i ate only half of, i am still burping up burrito. oh and my belly is still all round and hard.

oooof.

i think i'll stick to walking. that is if i can even bend over to tie my shoes.

who does that?!

i'm not a strict follower of any religion, but i know that when i die, there is a place in hell reserved just for me. well me and the other thousands of catty people on earth. cojo, joan rivers, all my friends, and those chicks at gofugyourself. and really i'm fine with it. cattines is part of my charm people :) and has probably gained me more friends than enemies. i think.

anyway...this morning i took my place on a treadmill as far away from anyone as posssible. which wasn't really that far, but i like to leave a good distance between me and the person next to me, unlike the weirdos who like to run right next to you even though there are like 6 open machines. so while i can seclude myself left and right, i can't help that there's a row of machines in front of me. and right in front of me are chatty mcchatters and her friend non-descript blonde, chatting away wildly like they haven't seen each other in years. only there's a treadmill between then, so i can only imagine they're to some degree yelling. luckily i had my headphones on otherwise i would have thrown something at them. their guestures and carrying on were enough to annoy me.

then chatty mcchatters, who was also wearing an annoying gym outfit(who wears camisoles to work out in? camisoles with a broken strap!?), busts out a newspaper. and i'm not talking neatly folded, flat newspaper. i'm talking 2 armed, double spread, i'm taking up all the horizontal space i possibly can kind of newspaper. wtf? i can't even read a magazine when propped on one of those special treadmill holders and chick is exercising while reading a billboard of news?

i'm baffled and still annoyed but before i can mentally bore a hole through her head, the newspapers in her hands flies up in the air, and the other sections go flapping and tumbling down onto the belt in a huge mess and she's flailing and tripping and gripping to hang on and not die.

and me, the catty chick that i am, just snort. really loudly. i wanted to erupt into cackles of laughter, but that would have crossed the line from catty to bitchy. and i'm at least not that.

but yes, i'm still going to hell.

TENTATIVE 2007 RACE SCHEDULE

kaiser sf half marathon: feb 4

bay to breakers 12k: may 20

nike women's marathon: oct 21

still looking for either a 10 miler or another half mary before the marathon. oh and did i mention that this marathon will be my FIRST EVER!!

a trail relay might also be fun! i've been finding a TON of trail races through the redwoods and one on angel island. they all involve hills and trails though. which excite this treadmill runner, but also makes me nervous...about mud, ticks, uneven terrain (read: sprained ankles) oh yeah and HILLS...like real ones. not just simulated ones or the gently rolling ones in my neighborhood here. we're talking san francisco hills. i'm also not one to run outside in inclement weather, though i do enjoy a run in the rain every now and then. just not cold rain, with wind, on a dark morning or evening.

but we'll see...it's good to have races to look forward to because as of late my training has gone to pot and i've resorted to blogging about hot men and food on tv.

giving in to desires

as the rain poured and poured outside, i settled in on the couch, cocooning myself within a mountain of blankets. properly snuggled, i flipped on the tv and settled in to watch a good 2 hours of porn. food porn that is.

the barefoot contessa. nigella feasts. easy entertaining with michael chiarello. mounds of butter melting everywhere. turkeys and hams roasting in their own sweet juices.... and there's just something about that michael chiarello: a hot, well groomed man who can prepare succelent meals? and well nigella lawson is a vision herself. her love of food makes me think she could make me bat for the other team sometimes.

my secret weapon

yippee skippee!! the orthotics are in!!

i'm truly embarassed to admit that i thought these orthotics would make me feel like braces would to a teenager. or training wheels to a 10 year old. the fact that i needed orthotics made me feel totally dorky.

but they make me feel the total opposite. they make me feel like i have some secret weapon! some special power.

i'm just happy that now all my foot worries can be put to rest and that i don't screw up the alignment of anything else higher up. i can finally run pain and injury free!

(*knock on wood*)

speed, schmeed

on any given day, i'd rather run hills than run speed intervals. i've actually formed a sort of love affair with running hills. but running hills doesn't make you faster. only running faster makes you faster. speed workouts make you think too much. it's a series of running at one pace for x amount of time, then running at another pace for y amount of time, and i have to be careful not to run too fast for too long because i could poop out. it all requires too much precision and time keeping for my feeble brain. the hill interval on the treadmill does all the work for me, breaking my run up into three minute increments, varying the grade of the hill throughout my run.

so to my surprise, i noticed a speed interval button on the treadmill! jigga what?! you enter a jog speed and you enter a run speed and by pressing the speed interval button, it toggles back and forth between the two speeds. not too impressive of a feature. i still have to keep track of time myself. it would be better if you could program the length of time or distance of your jogs and runs. it took a lot of discipline to MAKE myself run faster than was comfortable, even at three minutes at a time. and at least on the hill interval, it gave you a nice graph of the hills and valleys you ran. on the speed interval, the graph never changed. all i had was the slowly clicking clock and the even slower clicking odometer.

the only good thing about speed workouts is that they don't have to last long to feel like you got in a good workout. 45 minutes and i was done and spent. i'll be a faster runner, yet. just you wait and see. i just have to get used to the discomfort of being so out of breath you want to puke your guts out .

eff you PAYDAY!

the 3:00 hour cravings came early today, and at 2:30 i hoofed it to the 7-11 for a treat. i came back with TWO treats! a payday and a box o junior mints. since i had junior mints this weekend at the movies, i decided to enjoy the payday first. mmm mmm sweet, salty, crunchy, chewy. i love foods that give you a full range of textures and tastes all at once. if only there were different temperatures involved as well. (for this reason, the taco is one of the most perfect foods: warm, savory meat and cheese, cool, sour sour cream, crunchy cool lettuce, cool tomaotes, hot crunchy shell)

anyway, i finished up my payday and saw writing on the inside of my wrapper. thinking maybe i had won something, what i don't know since i was too exctied to eat my payday that i didn't really examine the wrapper, i peered in for a closer look before tossing it in the trash. and on the inside wrapper read:

"candy is a treat. please consume in moderation.""

WHAT!!!?! sweet jesus even my candy bar wrapper is telling me not to eat like a fat cow.. for some reason, i was insulted that my candy bar was telling me to slow it down with the sweets. i mean really, it's one thing for cookie monster to change his stance on cookies, saying they're a "sometimes" food, but a candy company telling me to consume in moderation.

EFF YOU!

so now my box o junior mints just sits on my desk, sadly wondering why i'm neglecting it.

brit n whit

i am a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge britney spears fan. HUGE! and i was ELATED that she finally FINALLY kicked that loser husband to the curb. ELATED! i swear to bob a bad man is like a cancer to a great woman. and this after whitney divorced bobby. halleluia praise jebus! i cannot WAIT for the comebacks. CANNOT WAIT!!

but in the meantime, i made a brit n whit playlist to keep me going on the treadmill.. and oh boy did it work! an hour never flew so fast. i was actually kinda upset that i had to get off the treadmill and get ready for work. hopefully this will keep me entertained for at least another week and a half before i get bored and need to make a new playlist. i've figured out that's a big thing that keeps me from the gym: when i'm bored with my music. so i either have to dredge up old stuff i haven't listened to in a long time or find new music. it's actually a lot of work to keep my brain entertained and inspired, especially when i'm at the whim of my moods!

on the boot front, i found a pair this week! i knew if i bitched enough, i'd find 'em just to prove myself wrong and to stop whining already. not only did i find a pair, they were HALF OFF! at jc penney. i know laugh, but they're cute and they fit and they only cost me $50. here they are: i was temped to also buy the black pair, since my older black pair has seen better days and they WERE half off, but i resisted.. i'm due for another pair of running shoes soon.

in any case, all seems right with the universe the past week. i wonder what the weekend will bring.....

stupid calves

there is only ONE benefit to being short, or more specifically for having short legs. . that one benefit is the advantage you get in limbo contests. i know this because i've actually won a good number of them, some even when i've been older than the age of 21. but the most you really win in a limbo contest is a tshirt or a free drink. and you can get those by just being female.

so really, there is no advantage for having short legs. especially when it comes to boot shopping. no bootmaker on earth makes a "tall" boot for a short woman, especially a short woman with "athletic" calves. two seasons ago, i did manage to find a pair of "tallish" boots of the pull on variety that was stretchy without looking cheap. i found them at marshalls, and i've already checked ebay and the like, this specific boot is no longer in existance!

i subjected myself to boot trying-on torture this weekend. if i found one that was the right length, it didn't fit over my calf. if it fit over my calf, it was too tall, or the ankles were too baggy. and to make matters worse, i am really picky about finding the right shade of brown, or the right kind of material that doesn't look cheesy .

now i've somewhat gotten over clothes never fitting me right off the rack. thank god for tailors. but the boot situation isn't one that is easily remedied unless i befriend, and possibly bed, a bootmaker. having short legs is one thing and having big calves is another, but being blessed with both? what was god thinking?!

sleep running

from the time i stepped on the treadmill to the time i stepped off 30 minutes later, i was yawning. i thought exercise was supposed to invigorate you?!

but now i'm on the couch eating an apple and cheese and don't feel the least bit sleepy. wait, i guess it DOES invigorate you. it's too bad i felt so sleep WHILE i was doing it.

it's gotta be the pheremones

my 45 minute hill workout on the treadmill was fab-u-lous. even better, the guy next to me who got on the treadmill after me, got off before me. granted he was running faster, but i was climbing higher. it's the stupid stuff like that that make my day :)

as i did a lap around the indoor track to cool down and stopped to stretch, i noticed that the late night hour meant the gym was crawling with guys. i didn't really stop to assess their cuteness, as i hate making eye contact with guys at the gym. mainly because i'm sweaty and don't want to give anyone any reason to think i am checking them out. plus i know they're checking me out and in the context of me being at the gym, it grosses me out. i felt like a sitting duck in my short spandex shorts and sweaty wifebeater tank, bending my lower limbs every which way to get in a good stretch. you know when you can feel someone looking at you? yeah, that's what i was feeling and when i looked up the guy on the military press machine caught my gaze. gross gross gross. he tried to say something, but i just put on my jacket and left.

i stopped by the bookstore on the way home, still in my shorts and jacket, still sweaty and no doubt stinky. i sat and leafed through some books in the career and writing sections when an older man (probably 20 years my senior) approached me to ask what kind of job i was looking for, what i did for a living, what would i want to be doing? am i am entreprenuer etc. etc...he told me i looked "industrious" or something like that...i'm giving him polite but very short answers hoping he just leaves. all the while i'm thinking, "seriously? i'm fresh from my workout and he's trying to impress me by telling me i'm "industrious?" he's clearly not getting the hint and extends his hand out to shake my hand! i'm thinking, sir do you not notice the sweaty strands of hair plastered to my face and the white salty residue on my shorts?!! my hand is probably not the cleanest hand you could be shaking right now...a little more small talk and then he finally says goodbye and leaves.

perhaps my runs leave me with an irresistable glow that men flock to. maybe i should be hitting the bars after a run. not that i want to meet men there...i mean i guess the bookstore is as good as any place to meet a man. at least you know he's literate. maybe next time i'll wander into the sport and health section...or the magazine section and find the one reading money or fortune...or runner's world...

if it's good enough for jody watley

i decided i would take a step aerobics class tonight to change things up and work my leg muscles in a different way. but i got to the gym and found the class had been cancelled! i couldn't in good conscience just leave. i mean i had gotten dressed, drove to the gym, walked up the stairs and walked past the entire cardio area AND weights area. i couldn't just walk past all those people 2 seconds later, without a bead of sweat.

because i intended on taking a class, i didn't bring my ipod. but i thought i would suck it up anyway and try to run without it. then i remembered an episode of WORKOUT i saw last season. doug, meathead trainer, was getting his client, jody watley, in shape for her comeback album. he had her walk sideways on the treadmill, while it was set to a steep incline.

so i set the puppy to its steepest and got to work. for 2 minutes i'd face right, and lead with my left leg @ 2.2mph, then i'd turn so i was facing forward and ran for a minute at 3.6mph, then i'd turn and face left and lead with my right leg for 2 minutes. at an incline set at 15, i was sweating in no time. and huffing and puffing the entire 35 minutes.

this workout is great for your hips, inner thighs, and glutes; areas that don't get nearly enough exercise when i run on flat land. i did get a few weird looks but it sure beat trying to run for the same amount of time without music!

step one

i did it. went to bed by 10 last night so i could get to the gym by 630. the first thing i did was get on the mother effing scale. sure enough, i was a pound and a half heavier than i was a little over month ago.

so yeah, gotta nip that in the bud. i already scheduled a 5 mile race the saturday after thanksgiving. and i'm stealing jess' idea over at 21 days...i'm giving myself 21 days to get back in the habit of running again.. it's easily digestable, a good small short term goal. and no extraneous goals about number of miles, or delusions of ripped abs or even eating well.

and at the end of the 21 days, i have a sweeeet reward waiting for me....a massage.... a free one, even.

so i'm one day in. go me.

aussie eye candy

as i approach 30, i find the strangest things sexy in a man: crow's feet, a bald or shaved head, nice calves. my taste in men has changed drastically through the years, from blonde hair/blue eyed to ebony/dark as night. unbeknownst to me, australia has been breeding its own crop of hot men! why didn't anyone tell me!? (just to preface, russell crowe and heath ledger do NOTHING for me) but...man, oh man, these two aussies really do: julian mcmahon (dr. troy is so deliciously devilish on nip/tuck!) and eric bana (WAAAAAAAAY hotter than orlando in troy_)

it's gotta be something in their water. or maybe it's the vegemite. perhaps there is an untapped resource of hot men on antartica and that's where i should be looking for a man. but in all seriousness, i bring this up mainly to distract from the fact that i didn't go to the gym last night or this morning! .

shifting my inertia

so one of the big reasons people keep a running blog is so that they do in fact run. like you know, consistently.

consistent hasn't really been in my vocabulary because of my injury. and i'm using my injury as a scapegoat because i still could have been consistent about going to the gym to do something. instead i consistently did diddly and can feel the poundage adding up. more importantly, i can feel my inertia shifting over to the "eats crap, sits on ass and does no exercise" camp. which is a nice place to visit every once in awhile, but not a nice place to call home.

so since i got the ball rolling with a 5 mile run on saturday, i'm shifting my inertia closer to the "gets her ass running, no matter what it takes" camp. because that camp makes me feel better. and that camp fits into size 4 jeans.

my plan tonight is to do a nice easy workout on the elliptical so i don't go crazy on my newly healed parts. then get up the next morning and do an easy run. which i plan to be the first of a whole new slew of morning workouts. falling off the am workout wagon is easy. but getting back on? oof! oh so hard. but doing the pm workouts, even harder.

so as blogger as my witness, this chick is going to the gym tonight. i might even have the courage to get on the scale and check out the damage.

her first 5 miles!

a friend of mine has been DYING to go running with me and the opportunities for her to join me dwindle as my moving date approaches. i'm no running snob, i just enjoy the rare time in my day and in my life that i don't have to care about anyone else. i choose the distance, the time, and go at my own speed.

but she's been such a great support in recent events and has been doing so well in starting her own diet and exercise regimen, even claiming that i've been an inspiration in her efforts. so figured i'd suck up my own pride and fear of looking like a retard and run with the girl.

i sometimes get worried that if i invite people to races or to run with me, somehow that "aura" or great achievement that comes with my running will be demystified. or more simply, people will see how slowly i run or see how hard it can be for me and not think it's that big of a deal after all. maybe it has more to do with my little confidence as a "back of packer". and in running circles, while there are the speedy snobs, i think for the most part, people who run get it. and those who do not, to some extent don't.

it just occured to me that maybe it has to do with feeling that my "achievement" as a runner makes me feel better than the non-runners, and if they saw how even a person as slow as myself can do it, anyone can. and then really, if anyone can do it, what's so special about me doing it? especially as "poorly" as i do?

and now that i see all of that in black and white, it sounds so ludicrous. it's just as ludicrous as the people who say "ordinary" people who run 6 hours marathons just to cross them off their to do lists ruin the sport of running.

anyway, i've severely digressed from the beginning of my story. my friend was just happy to have the company and i was happy to share with her a new trail and an experience she's never had. i took her 5 miles, a distance she's never ever run. i had a huge ass grin on my face the entire time because it was one of those fall days just made for running. i'm really really proud of her.

this was the first quality run in a month. and if i could, i would have run for hours. it just felt soooo good. of course without the orthotics, my feet now hurt. but i had healed up enough to make it 5 miles, whereas a few weeks ago, i could barely walk. the orthotics come in this week...i am seriously going to have to restrain myself from bounding on the trails for hours, since i'm supposed to break them in. but it's nice to see the end of my convalencense and be on the road again...i've got a lot more trails to share with this girl before i go...

from one running chick to another

running chick's post about her triumphant hartford maration summed up PERFECTLY why i love running and why it is my metaphor for life. in her words:

I am keenly aware of the fact that my race day was the stuff that dreams are made of. I recognize that everything fell in to place perfectly, and that I am very, very lucky to have had it all come together. While running the race, I did remark, more than once, that I felt that the universe owed me this day..that I had earned it. Last year's marathon was a rain-soaked, menstrual challenge. Then I spent the winter working on my ITB issues. When I tried to run the San Diego marathon in June, I picked up a bacterial Ick-Fest which resulted in a 'Did Not Start' that broke my heart.

I kept working hard on my training. No matter what else life threw at me, I made sure to protect my training time. It wasn't always easy, and there were days when I wasn't sure I could pull it all off. I sacrificed time with family and friends, the cleanliness of my house, and a great deal of sleep. But I had faith in my Coach and more importantly, faith in myself and I wasn't going to give up or give in. I had a bone to pick with the Hartford Marathon, and I wasn't going to lose this time.

On race day, all we can do is run the race that is placed before us to the best of our abilities. Sometimes, we are handed a pile of crap. Other times, we are handed a gift.

I took my gift and ran all the way to the finish line with it. I hope you get a gift for your next race too.

i'm not gonna lie, i got all emotional reading it. it's like she was in my head, in my shoes. my non-runner friends always wonder why in the world i choose running, of all things, for exercise. but it's more than just exercise. and when you come down to it, it's more than just running too. it's about pushing your mortality. pushing your puny, yet powerful human body and spirit. and in a world where things are so convenient and impersonal and techonological (for lack of a better word), running just gets at the heart of what is basic and true about human nature: taking the gift of life with all it's crap and splendor and celebrating the journey day after day, mile after mile.

it's been a month since i've run and i miss it so much. i can tell the tendon is getting better and being busy with moving and packing has helped keep my mind off the asics gathering dust in the closet. but this time off has taught me a lesson in patience that i hope sticks with me.

i look like mariah carey?!

myheritage.com has a fun (read: fabulous time waster at work) feature where you upload your image, or any image for that matter, and it scans through celebrity pics to find the ones that match your face!

the mishmosh of celebrities i "look" like is crazy. i don't even know who some of those "celebrities" are and i don't think i look like any of them. i tried using other pics and came up with "no match" and one that said i looked like jessica simpson, dakota fanning, paula abdul, and courteney cox!

i did the whole office and my sibs. theirs were more accurate. my co-worker was even lucky enough to get vanessa marcil, kristin davis, marcia cross, and linsay lohan among her celebrity look-a-likes!

perceptions of beauty

the following video was made by dove for their campaign for real beauty. it takes an average woman through makeup, photoshoot, photoshop, to billboard.

behold! the power of denim!

premium denim that is. every designer out there has a line of premium denim to make you feel like spending a million bucks makes you look like a million bucks.

and of course i've fallen for it. for some reason the premium denim really does fit better. and finding jeans that actually fit MY proportions is no short of a miracle. i got suckered into a pair at GUESS because they magically thinned my thighs and made my ass look totally cute. BUT i got the last laugh because they were originally something like $120 and i got them on clearance/sale for $75!! and now that i've had them and totally love them, i can't find them anywhere. not even ebay.

but today while i was at target to get packing tape i saw that lo and behold target's mossimo brand has a line of premium denim! a quick detour into the dressing room had me jumping for joy for 2 reasons: the size 6 was TOO BIG!! and they were on sale for $24! i walked outta target with two pairs of size 4 jeans for less than 50 bucks!

i did manage to keep my head about me and remember to pick up the packing tape.

a more complete athlete

"In some crazy way this injury has made me a more complete athlete and a better person. I've learned that with a lot of hard work, a little bit of pain, and a good sense of humor, there's really nothing I can't accomplish."

i don't remember now where i found this quote, but the idea of "a more complete athlete" really struck me. because this injury was caused by my natural biomechanics sometimes makes me feel like i shouldn't be a runner. that i'm probably meant to do something else, and i'm probably doing more harm than good. being injured makes me feel like i was doing something wrong. it makes me feel like i'm not really an athlete at all.

but really that's silly. everyone gets injured. even jerry rice. and a real athlete, a more complete athlete, knows how to rest, knows how to rehabilitate, knows how to heal. she knows how to tough it out and think of alternatives. she knows that her life is a series of trials and errors until she finds the delicate combination that makes everything right.

peroneus longus

that's the tendon causing me pain.

that's what the smart, young, cute, female podiatrist told me today. and while i gave her big ups for being a young female doctor, chick had some ugly ass shoes. but she's a podiatrist, what can you expect? i thought she might have some insider info on the comfortable but cute shoes, but it looks like i'm not going to get any sympathy from her on that.

so this lovely tendon runs along the outside of your calf, down to your ankle, along the outside of your foot, then makes a sharp turn at your metatarsals and ends at your big toe joint. this tendon is responsible for pronating your foot. and since i am an OVERpronater, i've used the hell out of this tendon and now it screams with pain. that's why the bottom of my foot hurts.

i knew i had a pronation problem that had started a very mild case of bunions (she kept saying bunion deformity! i was like ack! quit with the word deformity!) i thought i could correct it with an insert and new shoes. but it looks like my biomechanics need more help. as the pain is not longer just at my big toe joint but has now involved this tendon as i've increased the miles.

so my pretty feet (really, i do have pretty feet. deformity, my ass) were cast in a mold for some fancy orthotics. special running orthotics, not just sport orthotics. ooooooooooooh. and normal shoe orthotics. my fabulous health insurance pays for one pair and i had to pay for the second ($480!!!!) but she said they last about 8-10 years. the health insurance would have paid for one every six months, but i'm moving and changing jobs in 2, so i figured i'd reap the benefits now while i could.

it's finally good to be back on track, even if i'm still sidelined. by the time my new orthotics come in, i'll hopefully be healed up and i can start to break those puppies in and FINALLY be on the path to better running!

in the meantime, i'm gonna look into those dorking running belts you wear in the pool to run. and get a pedicure :)

just because

just because i can't run, doesn't mean i can't do ab work. or upper body work. or swim. or in my case, kick and flail my arms in the water without drowning.

just because i can't run, doesn't mean i should stuff my face with sugar and fried potato products. though i forgive myself for the beer.

i'm over being a brat about it, especially since my podiatrist appointment is only 4 days away and i'm trying very hard not to freak out about my 10 mile race that i so so so with all my heart want to run. i'm hoping that icing and stretching and resting will yield me a green light on race day. and if not, at least my friends already have that morning free for brunch.