aha!

from the last post, it's easy to see that i'm a huge procrastinator. i never get it when i meet people who say they don't. i wanna poke those people in the eyes. but even the worst procratinator like me aren't procrastinators in EVERY thing they do. for example, i never procrastinate when it comes to eating. i know that sounds silly, but i read that somewhere and it resonated big with me. this shows me that i am not a doomed procrastinator. and i'm not lazy.

so the question is WHY do i procrastinate at certain things, in this case, getting my job hunt off the ground? doing more reading, i came across a great article about overcoming procrastination. i realized i was 1. overwhelmed at the huge task of finishing and 2. i felt that it had to be done perfectly. no wonder i was paralyzed. the suggestions for overcoming those hurdles make sense and i'm working on them now. and it's helping bring back structure to my work day. working from home can be a struggle, at least for me, because i'm given too much freedom and it's almost like i don't know where to start and end. by setting a strict window of time for work, it leaves me tons of time to fill with leisure WITHOUT the nagging guilt of work needing to be done. whew!

in addition to being overwhelmed, i was scared. scared that i wasn't good enough. scared that i would have to settle for a job i didn't like. scared that i would get in over my head at a job that was too hard. scared that the perfect employment fit wasn't out there for me. then i found this article. what i got from it is that EVERYONE gets scared. from astronauts, to presidents, to moms, to heidi klum. but what seperates the men from the mice is their ability to feel the fear, but do what they need to do anyway. or as john wayne says, "courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway". so that taught me, i'm not weak because i'm not scared. people that i look up to, that have achieved so much have felt just as scared as me.

so, how to push through fear? by recognizing 2 things: that fear is your reaction, not a property of the object of your anxiety (for example, i can dance in public and some people are terrified of that) and that courage is a mental skill, not an emotional one. if courage is a skill, then i can learn it. courage is a matter of conditioning, just like running. the more i face my fears, the better i will get at being courageous. and the more i will be conditioned to facing that which scares me. the article says "fear is not your enemy. it is a compass pointing you to the areas where you need to grow. when you encounter a new fear, celebrate it as an opporunity for growth" WOW. so the direction of my life lies in my fears. wow. pretty deep for someone wondering what the hell to do with her life.

and as for my lack of motivation? i found this article. and not surprisingly, all roads led to fear. to quote the article, "you're letting fears, excuses, and limiting beliefs hold you back. your subconscious mind knows you're settling, so it won't provide any motivational fuel until you step up, face your fears, and drop the excuses...ironically, the real key to motivation is to set goals that scare you." what?! wow! and it made sense. my fear was making me settle for things that felt safe and easy to want and get. i was denying myself from dreaming what i really wanted. and since i was setting my sights so low, of course i was unmotivated. who the hell is motivated to work at an ok job? for ok money? with ok people? turns out mediocrity really doesn't suit me.

another line from the fear article was this, "it's ok if you don't think it's possible for you. it's ok if you don't see how you could ever have it. but don't deny that you want it." aha! why spend a lifetime trying to talk myself out of the very things i really really want? that sounds totally illogical!

so my aha moment has arrived. the only way to motivate myself is to dare to dream what it is i really want, that i've been too afraid to admit to myself for fear of failure. the only way to conquer fear is to attack it a little bit everyday. so that i get good at it. stronger at it. if this doesn't sound like marathon training, i don't know what does.

so i feel renewed. and fortified. and i feel like i have actual tools to get me through the next step.