another year older, another year not yet wiser.

guess what ya'll? i turned 31 last wednesday. yay for me. if 30 is the new 20, then 31 is the new 21, right? :) i celebrated in grand fashion by eating way too much of stuff i shouldn't eat. i resisted temptation a good number of times, but still managed to cave too many times. like, isn't it illegal to refuse your own chocolate birthday cake? and then came our huge family reunion and there were pork products literally calling my name. no, really, we had a full-on whole roasted pig and i SWEAR TO GOD, it called out to me. even though it had an apple in its mouth.

and whaddya know, birthday calories DO count! i am not happy about this weight gain setback. but i did it to myself so i have no one else to blame. i was once again reminded for the millionth time in my life that eating like crap makes you feel like crap. boo.

but i'm back. and while brussel sprouts do not erase the sins of chocolate cake, i can at least eat them guilt free. and while i was at the gym this morning, i got some extra motivation:



if you've read my blog for any length of time, you'll know that i have a serious girl crush on britney spears. it's truly inexplicable yet so strong that i can't even apologize. her body is sick. when she's in shape, as she was 8 years ago. seriously, i feel like doing a million crunches right now.

which i will need to do since i'll be sporting a new, more modest bikini in front of the to-be inlaws. and no that isn't me and i know for some it isn't exactly modest. but this suit insures that my chesticles don't pop out, which is oh so very important when spending time with people you don't want to titillate.

though this all could be for naught because it seems to be tropical storm weather by the gulf. and while one might think i'd rather the storm hit so i could avoid a whole bikini barbie situation altogether. i prefer that to spending time with the GRANDmother further inland. like where they probably still have 'no coloreds' signs up in certain places. besides alabama is like the 2nd most obese state in the country, i might stand half a chance :)

173.6

8.4 pounds in 3 weeks. not too shabby, if i do say so myself.

and did i tell you we're going to alabama to visit with sg's 'rents over labor day weekend. and we're going to the gulf shore? on one hand, yay! beach! warm water! on the other hand, MORTIFICATION! me, in a bathing suit in front on his parents!? kill. me. now.

the crazy thing is, my entire adult life i've always worn a bikini to the beach or pool because i honestly don't care what other people think. three quarters of the other people are wearing suits unflattering to their bodies anyway and i'd rather have fun than miss out. and being the sunwhore that i am, i want optimum sun exposure. but put me in front of my fiancees parents and all i want is an oversized muumuu.

i know i shouldn't care. they love me to bits. but gah! talk about feeling exposed. vulnerable. i know exactly how his mother feels about her body, so i don't even want to think about the judgements she'd make about mine. not that her genteel southern manners would let her speak them out loud.

in a related manner, there was one weekend patrick and i decided to get away and we stayed at a really pretty historic mansion in san jose. we spent most of the time at the pool and there was one instance where he video chatted with his parents on the laptop. hearing we were at the pool, his mother and father insisted, quite urgently, that i pop onscreen so they could see me in my bathing suit.

!!!!!!!!!!

WTF?!!

how weird is that?!

WEIRD!

sorry, but i'm not parading myself in front of my boyfriend's 70 and 60 year old father and mother in my bikini over video chat. that's. just. weird.

in other news, i think i might have convinced enough family members to join me in a relay team for the CIM in decemeber. i'm super stoaked about this and think it'll be an even greater marathon experience by sharing it with my cousins and brother!

fiber

i'd never had brussel sprouts until today. they get such a bad rap, but my old boss used to rave about them all the time. so i thought, why the hell not?

holy crap, are they delicious.

roasted in the oven, coated in olive oil, kosher salt, and pepper. some of the outer leaves fell off and got all dark and crunchy and delicious. it was like eating potato chips, i shit you not. and i do NOT fool around with potato chips.

i ate a whole bowlful for lunch.

what i didn't know was how much fiber is in those little suckers. whoa nelly! on top of the flaxseed muffins i baked and ate this morning?! holy crap is right. i also learned they're very high in protein and vitamin a, folacin, potassium, calcium, and vitamin c.

my poor distended belly made my pool workout very uncomfortable. let's hope my neck doesn't suffer the same fate as last time. i tried my best to follow the smart suggestions offered to me last time. keep my head facing straight down and breathe on both sides. we'll see in the morning.

longest workout in the longest time

15:24, 14:45, 15:32, 16:58=1:02:40

i totally could have gone longer, and actually felt MORE energized an hour into my workout than 15 minutes into it. but i didn't realize i would need to bodyglide my arms. i got some major painful chafing. boo to arm fat rubbing against boob fat.

hey, remember that nike marathon lottery i won? yeah, so not gonna happen.

BUT, and this is a big but.

i want to try to finish the half marathon anyway.

screw the rules.

i mean i PAID for the full. i'm not taking any resources away from anyone. i am still half hoping i can snag the loot at the end of the half marathon finish line, but i know that is probably a long shot, since i'll be wearing a marathon bib.

but i have to believe there are lots of people, who for whatever reason, can't get through their full marathon training but still want to do something. and get something for their money.

so what do you think folks? is this kosher?

p.s. re: the last post...i'm sort of letting things chill out a bit before posting more thoughts.

p.p.s. i'm down 7.2 pounds since starting the southbeach diet with patrick 2 weeks ago (i've even cheated, which i probably shouldn't brag about)

half a size

this morning, the scale read a full 5 pounds less than it did on sunday. maybe it was all in my head but my workout did seem a little easier.

davis arboretum

pain in the beck

i am doing something seriously wrong because whenever i swim i get a stiff neck. a painful, no sudden movements kinda stiff neck.

makes doing the easiest, smallest tasks excrutiatingly painful. even blogging.

gah!

i'm a happy panda

1. got up at 5:30 for a morning workout.
2. found out that "running" 14 minute miles is slow, but still rewarding.
3. made some bomb ass turkey sausage spaghetti sauce without a recipe.
4. devoured the chickpea flat bread i made this weekend.
5. solidified plans with a friend coming into town for a visit this weekend.
6. found out the interest rate on my student loans dropped.
7. spent some quality time in the pool, churning out laps.

we found our hearts in san francisco

it's been said that san francisco is the most romantic city in the u.s. the city will always be dear to my heart because it's where we fell in love.

my cousin, though not a professional photographer, has taken amazing photos all over the world. she has a great eye and we share the same aesthetic so i asked her to take some engagement photos for patrick and me. for the amazing price of free, she snapped about 250 photos of us all over the city. here are some of the preliminary shots!

the painted ladies

clarion alley, mission district

fort point, under the golden gate bridge

fort point, under the golden gate

fort point, under the golden gate

atop fort point, under the golden gate

chrissy field

the marina

palace of fine arts

steps to coit tower

russian hill

i have decided that the reason for my general unhappiness stems from things out of my control. i have also decided that a lot of life is about timing. and there's no sense in worrying about things that don't need to be worried about yet, because they might just work themselves out.

so, i'm going to stop trying to "fix" a million an one problems that haven't even materialized yet, and focus on one problem that is staring me right in the face: my fitness.

16:55, 15:31, 15:32=47:59, of which probably 6:00 was actual running. i know physically i could have pushed myself more, but mentally, i'm not all there. it takes a while for physically beating to feel good again, right?

my feet are happy, though, 'cause i traded in the bad ones for another pair of brooks adrenaline gts. i think those are the ones i ran my marathon with. why i ever abandoned them i'll never know. probably had something to do with a tall, dark, nubile shoe salesman.

and as an aside, while i was being fitted for my new shoes, i overhead the co-owner of the shop talking about her pending divorce from her husband who runs the shop with her. and for some reason i was really taken aback. normally, i find her very annoying. she has this high pitched voice and dry overprocessed blonde hair, (and is in enviably good shape, which is probably more the reason she annoys me. but whatever). even though she has 0% bodyfat, her marriage crumbled. and i felt bad for her. and i think i was just so shocked because you forget that bad things happen to even 0% body fat people. my body sure isn't perfect, but i'm glad my love is.

destination wedding

we're getting married here! summer 2011.

and finally after arguing about it for months, we have decided on our guest list. i am very happy to report that all the family i wanted included are invited. and it is a huge relief to me. it is the first time since the whole wedding talk that i've finally gotten excited about planning. we have gone to a couple family parties since our engagement and i just couldn't get excited about telling people our plans since 1. it excluded them and 2. i couldn't imagine my wedding without them. but we no longer have that problem!

so what happened? apparently, sg got to talking to a friend of his that also recently got engaged, and this friend of his (without me even saying anything to him) basically told sg that the wedding is and always has been about the bride. and that nothing is really worth forgoing my happiness on the one day that has meant everything to me since the day i was born, apparently. and while i don't necesarily agree with him 100%, i'll take it :)

the wedding is 2 years away, so there's not much to do now exactly. we're getting engagements photos done in sf this weekend and with those i'm hoping to send out save the dates. or more aptly, 'save the funds'. it may take some people 2 years to save up for a trip to the dominican republic. it sure as heck will take us 2 years to save up for the wedding.

it's been a busy summer and lately none of it has to do with running or working out. lots of family things, vacations, and mini-vacations. and i've been in a weird head-space lately as indicated by my last post. don't know when i'm gonna snap out of it. but for the most part, things are coming along.

stale

the title isn't very inviting, i'll admit. but it's kinda where my head's at. for a while now, i've been feeling so very uninspired. and restless.

i'm so sick of waiting to hear about what the hell is going to happen with patrick's job offer. until something does happen, we're stuck. in my parents' house. in my unfulfilling job. in this boring suburban town. it's driving me mad. i'm clawing at the walls trying to get out.

i'm ready to be making some real money, doing work i love, in a town with lots going on. i'm ready to make a home and start a future with my new sweetie.

i am so very sick of this place called limbo.

my life as an engaged blogger

it's been a whirlwind couple of weeks and i finally have a second to sit. but only because my sinuses are so full right now i feel like my head might pop. it's a strange feeling to have clear and open nostrils but have so much pressure behind your nose and eyes. oh and constant icky postnasal drainage. ick.

anyway, you didn't come here for my snot status. you want to know how he did it! if you're following me on facebook (where i have been spending more of my time lately) you know the story. so for those of you who aren't:

we had just finished dinner on our first night in vegas and he said "we just finished a great meal, we're going to the top of eiffel tower, what else could make this night perfect?"

being the brat i am, i pointed to my then bare ring finger and said "THIS!"

then he said, "so are you the kind of girl who expects a man to get down on his knee?" and i said, "of course that's how it's done."

then i see him fumble with his napkin and he gets down on his knee with the ring and asks simply, "will you?"

for once, i was speechless. it all happened so fast! all i could do was nod as he slipped the ring on my finger. it took quite a while for it to finally feel real and at that point i couldn't stop kissing him. like i have never wanted to kiss someone as much in my entire life. there were no words, just kissing. and smiling. and tearing up. but lots of kissing.

the backstory to this:

we have been talking about getting married practically since we met. and he's asked me to marry him practically every day for the last 9 months. we started shopping for rings before christmas and after visiting several stores and trying on dozens of rings, we finally found one. things were dicey with his job, as you all know, so i didn't pressure him to buy it then. we just hoped it would still be there when he was ready. at that point, my job was done, and it was in his hands to decide when he would buy it and how he would propose. he said he has had a date in mind for a long time and that i had to wait.

then, around mother's day weekend, i get a call at work saying he needs me to go with him to the jewelry store after work. they sold the first ring we saw, but there were others he was contemplating and he wanted me to choose one. do you know how disappointing it is to wait 5 months, then have to go in select a new (better!) ring and not be able to WEAR it out of the store!!!!

grrrr...

several date possibilities went through my mind and when i asked if it would be on our anniversary he said, "no". and i said, "good because that would be totally cheesy"

but really, i was right. and he was mad that i had guessed correctly (even though i didn't know it)

so then he scrambled to think of another time, another way. especially after the whole 'i should have done it at the race' epiphany. though this part i didn't know, so i was very surprised he chose his birthday weekend because i thought for sure i'd have to hold out until july 5.

apparently, he had several ideas of how he wanted to propose while in vegas and all throughout the day he kept needing to find some way to slip away, whether it was he forgot something in the room, or in the car, or something or other. it was irritating the crap out of me but little did i know, he was just being OCD about making sure he still had the ring.

he thought he had finally settled on waiting til after dinner when we reached the eiffel tower, but i think the stress and excitement of it all just got to him and he couldn't contain himself any longer! so he kinda fumbled, stumbled, and just got it over with at dinner.

i will say that with all of my waiting i was expecting something a little more dramatic. only because he was so insistent on waiting for 'the right time'. initially, i think that's part of the reason i was so stunned when he asked. it was so non-chalant. my brain was probably thinking, 'this is what i was waiting for?'

this is not to say i'm disappointed. it was a little anti-climatic, but not in a bad way. because he definitely surprised me. and he rarely does. most of the time i can read him like a book, so i give him big props for pulling a fast one on me :) i thought for sure i'd be able to sense his nervousness or his anxiety. but i guess i was too wrapped up in being on vacation and planning stuff for his birthday that my radar on him wasn't as finely tuned.

as you all know, we've been doing some initial wedding planning already. i lobbied long and hard for waiting until 2011. there is no way on god green's earth i am committing to a wedding without both of us having jobs, no matter how much he's saved up. and no matter how sure he is he's gonna get this cap police job. i'm not counting my chickens before they hatch. we're gonna wait and do this right.

unless, of course, we elope. which is not entirely off the table. i think my family half expects us to. he was even willing to do it in vegas. all i had to do was say the word.

so who knows? my next post could be all about how i became mrs. sg one random summer weekend in tahoe. all i know is, i'm the luckiest woman in the whole wide world! i have never felt more wholly and completely loved.

a las vegas engagement

15:43
14:26
14:15
T: 44:24

i think i need to switch out my new shoes. my feet are killing me. even after a long walking warmup. grrr. might be time to switch to men's shoes.

the one where balls come flying at your face

day 3 of cross fit: run 400 meters, do 30 wall balls. repeat 2 more times.

i heard this was intense. i heard it would HURT like hell. sg didn't even finish his when he went last week.

everything i heard was true. running is hard enough. running after doing 30 squats and throwing a medicine ball up above your head at a wall is harder. doing it three times in a row? BAH!

it's a tough 15 minutes. and ugh, stupid "lara croft" had the camera on me while i ran in my second lap and i didn't know it til i got close. b!tch!

i work tonight and hope to crank out my final 2 introductory workouts in the next two days. thankfully i have the next two days off and while i'll punish my body for an hour each day, we have nothing but relaxation planned for the rest of our hours this weekend.

sg and i went on a mini vacay the last two days and i have plenty of pictures and stories to share. but like i said, i'm relaxing :)

avenue of the vine 5k - sg finishes his first 5k!

at the start line

happy racers!

we were up before the sun to make the hour drive to the woodbridge winery in lodi. as we looked for parking, i could hear sg snickering. at the people in their short shorts, lubing up, scarfing bananas. everyone tanned and toned. he said, "these people are crazy!" and i said, "welcome to the club! you're one of us now!"

what put him over the edge was seeing a pregnant lady! running!

we talked about goals the night before, and since we hadn't had a dedicated training run in about a week and a half, we decided to just aim for our normal training time of 40 minutes. plus race day was gonna be HOT! like in the 70s at start time at 7 am hot.

i couldn't tell if he was nervous. i just think he was soaking it all in. and concentrating on sucking in his gut as people with 2% body fat walked by. he was fascinated by the sea of ridiculoulsy fit people. but i mentioned that there were normal people like us. and that everyone in between fit in too.

as for the actual race itself, we started off at a 2 min run, 1 min walk interval. after some time that switched to a 1 min run, 1 min walk interval. then it turned into a run when he could and walk when he could interval. though early on i told him to be aware of the people around us and lock on. find someone to pull you through. and towards the end, he did lock on and say "oh my god, we HAVE to beat her. promise me we'll beat her. and if i can't beat her, promise me YOU will" i said, " i'm not leaving you, we're beating her together"

i pushed. he cursed. i pushed. he took a breath, then poof, off he went. and we ran, ran ran. to the finish! just 30 seconds under his goal time! i even let him cross the finish line first ;)

it wasn't until later, after we had gotten our wine glasses and tastings, cooled off under the misting tent and were sitting in the air conditioning in the car eating watermelon that the thought occurred to him that the finish line was the perfect place to propose to me. what a missed opportunity!

but i said, "you've had the date in mind for a long time, i'm sure it's the right decision" while secretly thinking, "i could have the ring right now you buffoon!"

but in all seriousness, we had an awesome day! and while he's not itching for the next one, i am... :)

finishers are winners!

happiness is not a motivator

i've never done drugs or had to go to rehab for alcohol or anything. but if there was a food rehab, i'm certain i would have a clinic named after me. i have "dieted" practically my entire adult life, despite having pretty healthy habits as a teenager. did you know i never drank soda, let alone alcohol, or even ate chocolate as a kid!? we rarely had fast food growing up and for whatever reason i never really liked cakes or pastries or candy all that much. college opened up a pandora's box of all kinds of things and nowadays i have cravings for things i never even ate growing up.

i have gone up and down in weight so much the last 10 years i have clothes ranging from size 4 to 12. i can't ever get rid of any of them because i can't stay one size for more than a year. once i get down to a size i like, i get lax, in both diet and exercise and have to start the whole thing again once i start running out of clothes. and i'm embarrassed to say the last round of weight loss stemmed from me starting running as a way to get over my crappy ex boyfriend. about a year ago, i started gaining it back slowly.

i am now at my heaviest. shockingly, i am also at my happiest. which has more to do with personal growth and the fact that i am surrounded by my family and have the best boyfriend ever in the entire world. but being happy is not a good motivator for me to change how i look, even when the only thing i am unhappy with is my weight and how i look. i can tell you right now, if sg were to up and leave me suddenly, i would be on the treadmill day and night nonstop until i had whipped myself into the kind of shape he would regret ever leaving.

why is that?!

why can't i motivate myself with the same vigor in times of happiness? why do i covet other people's fit bodies, yet can't consistently find the motivation to do the same work they do? and after all i've learned why do i even bother comparing myself to others when i know it's not worth it? when will i ever find a happy medium between fit, healthy, and normal?

lara croft? pshaw!

when patrick called to tell me how his workout went today he led off with this:

the head trainer's wife? she looks just like lara croft! you're much prettier, hon, but she's like a pint sized lara croft!

well f*ck! i may as well dive into bed with a plate of cookies and beer and call it a night. and NOT invite patrick.

but i soldiered on. and of course ended up beating his time, so there! the warmup: run 430 m, 43 squats, 43 situps, 43 pushups, run 430 m. the WARM. UP. i got to halve the squats, situps and pushups part because it was only my second day and i had other work to do.

which was to do as many sets of 7 squat thrusters and 7 pushups in 7 minutes. i eked out 7 full sets and 1 squat thruster in 7 minutes and finished a total of 8 sets in 7:30. my trainer said at the end of my 7th set i was at 6:30 so he thinks i totally could have eked out a whole other set under the 7 minutes, but my mind had stopped after the end of he 7th set. i wish i would have known! it goes to show how much it really is a matter of mind over matter. and not that we're keeping score or anything, patrick did 5 and three quarters sets. ;P

we also joined in time to sign up for their biggest loser challenge. i figure as the newest newbies we have the most fitness to gain and weight to lose. the winner wins $100 and a free month. this may just be the thing to get my eating in check.

p.s. "lara croft" was a total butter face.

i knew this would happen

yesterday, i decided to take a rest day because i was pretty sore. in the back of my mind i knew it would suck more today.

and, of course, it does.

and i'm at the time of the month where mentally, i can barely hang on. so yeah, it should be good times tonight at crossfit.

but i'm treating myself to a beer afterwards. i don't care what anyone says.

8:37

that's how long it took me to finish workout 1 of crossfit. 500 m rowing, 40 squats, 30 sit ups, 20 pushups and 10 pullups.

PULL. UPS.

i've entered a crazy upside down world where i actually do pull ups.

sg hung in there and finished, but not before he paid respects to the puke bin while everyone cheered him on. he's famous already! poor guy has his work cut out for him. but i think this is a good environment for him to grow. he can go with me. he can go without me. either way he has lots of guidance and support.

taking a step back

discussions aren't going well on the wedding talk front. there's a whole lot more to the issue that i'm too tired to talk about. especially when i think i've come to the conclusion that this means we're not ready to get married yet. which i'm fine with. i know we had a timeline in mind, but there's no sense in rushing things when i think all signs point to slowing down. i waited 30 years to finally meet him, i think we can wait to get married while we focus on you know, being a couple.

and the first order of business is for us to be out of my parents' house and self-sufficient. i think being unemployed has taken a toll on patrick and on us. his last job at williams-sonoma was the first job he has ever felt proud about. since he graduated college he has suffered and stumbled through a variety of bad jobs and unemployment. leaving alabama three years ago was the best thing he ever did for himself or his career, but now he has to start all over again.

now is not the time to think about a wedding.

and well, to be honest, i have some reservations. i have doubts on how well he can handle adversity. will he rise to the occasion and do whatever is necessary or will he shrink and shrivel and hide? without going into too much detail, it's hard for me to tell.

i don't think he's ever really been challenged. and in the past when faced with stress or adversity, he resorts to escapism (ie: video games) because it gives him some sense of control. he never really did well in school and isn't particularly ambitious. for months he felt stressed about losing his job and i implored him to look for other work while he had a job. but it wasn't until he was laid off and forced to look for work that he did.

a much older friend of mine has said to me that she thinks i do too much for him. for all intents and purposes, i was his headhunter, contacting everyone i knew about leads, scouring the internet for jobs and information. i've become his trainer. his nutritionist. and practically his sole social outlet, especially now that he's not working.

and it has come to a point where it's just too much. these are things i think an adult should handle for themselves. being supportive doesn't mean doing it for him.

when he is faced with an obstacle, i've seen him get upset, frustrated and want to give up. he hates when he's not in control and he just has no desire to be out of his comfort zone. i don't think he has the humility to accept not knowing how to do everything. i don't think he has the coping skills to deal with it. to have hope, or positivity, or come up with a different solution. i think he lets adversity beat him down. i don't think he's learned to be resillient.

that being said, i think this capitol police job and the training required to get it, is exactly what he needs to boost his confidence and give him a new set of skills, professionally and personally. i have to believe that there really is a fighter inside who can learn to grit through pain and discomfort and succeed at something. he sees this as his only chance. his academic record is a joke, his professional record, he feels is a joke, and he has no other idea what he wants to do with his life. and when he says stuff like that to me i do wonder, why would you want me to marry you?

i have a tendency of seeing the best in people, trusting in them too quickly and too fiercely. and while i know for certain that he loves me and that he will treat me affectionately and lovingly my entire life and make me laugh the entire time, i need more. i need to know he can stand up as a partner.

there are times i know he gets down on himself because he feels i'm smarter than him, faster, stronger, better. but i guess the girls he dated in the past i guess weren't as accomplished, not that i'm a rocket scientist all-star. and i always tell him, i wasn't born this way. i have had to learn a lot. and teach myself a lot. if i can do it, you can do it. the only difference between me and him is that i had a desire to learn more and i didn't let anything stop me until i got to where i wanted to go.

how he and we handle the next few months will decide a lot.

wedding plans

ok before i go further, we are not yet engaged. trust me i would have alerted ya'll like seconds after it happened. but we're close and while he has not told me when he's gonna pop the question, we do have an idea of when and where we'd like to get married. and since that date will roll around in about a year, i told him we need to start planning anyhow.

so...the deets: summerish 2010, somewhere tropical, probably on a carribbean island at an all inclusive resort. we've set a budget of $20,000 since we'll be paying for this ourselves.

what we can't agree on is the number of people we will invite.

the core, bare bones is at 20. my parents and his. my 2 brothers and 2 sisters in law and nephew. my maid of honor and her mom. my matron of honor and her husband. his best friend. another of his close friends and his wife, her mom, and their daughter.

smallest wedding, ever right? but we thought, we'll have two receptions in the states, one in california and one in alabama to invite all the people who don't come to the real deal. sounds reasonable and i guess i can live with this but...

i would love to have my cousins there. and my aunts and uncles. and i KNOW i will get shit form them if they aren't invited. and i KNOW they'll even offer to pay their share to make it. and for me, it's hard to argue for them not to be invited. hell, i want them there!

but. patrick doesn't feel it's fair. his extended family (who he doesn't even see but once a year) can't afford to come and/or is physically incapable of making the trip. so if they can't come, i guess he feels my extra peeps can't come either. even if it isn't going to cost us any more money.

i find this absolutely ridiculous. and i feel like just because life has "punished" him, he feels i need to be equally "punished" as well. i don't understand how in this instance the more the merrier isn't a good thing. he's an only child. who grew up on the other side of alabama as the rest of his family. so he doesn't get that my cousins feel like brothers and sisters to me because we all grew up together. it pains me just as much to NOT invite them as it pains him to know even if we did invite the rest of his family they couldn't come for whatever reason.

the alternative is to have the wedding in alabama (BARF!) where everyone can be invited. which even then, i couldn't invite everyone because my family far outnumbers his and i know for a FACT that he'll be up in arms about my side being bigger. but i can't help it! we're catholic! we're filipino! we make big families! and even then, paying for a wedding of that size is not possible.

i guess in the end, we are going to have to stick to our original plan of just 20 people. even though i think it is ridiulous to exclude people who are willing to pay their own way to attend. am i totally off the mark in thinking this?

we've only just begun

so ever since my current job cut back on my hours months and months and months ago, i've been looking for a part-time gig to supplement my income. i finally got one that required no commute and would give me the hours i wanted, but wouldn't you know it, it's been picking up at the office. i've worked more hours this week than i have in over 9 months. funny how that happens, eh? but i'm not one to turn down money, especially since i've had to pare down for the majority of the year. it will be nice to finally start making bigger payments to the credit card companies again. i'll only be waiting tables twice a week and my first shift was tonight and man oh man am i getting too old for this. we did our speed workout this morning since last night we were busy and tomorrow morning we have our long run. and i get to work another shift.

i see many foot massages in my future.

i'm also gearing up to take another summer class. i was thinking of taking 2 then i remembered, oh yeah i'm running a marathon in the fall. overnight my leisurely 32 hour work week lifestyle has ramped up to a 50 hour work with with school and many miles of training per week.

and you know what? it feels good. i would much rather be too busy being productive than have so much free time that i feel lazy. the achiness in my feet feels good. and having numerous golas to focus on feels even better.

as for our speed workout today, we nixed driving all the way to the track since we only had an hour to get everything in. i plotted out a quarter mile stretch of road in the neighborhod and we ran and walked that back and forth. my 400s went like this: 2:23, 2:08, 2:10. getting faster overall, yes. but not negative splits. for whatever reason, running a straightaway 400 was easier than running a loop. and i could feel that i wasn't running my hardest, so next time i'll have to push more. and yes, i totally beat my boyfriend. i feel bad bc i know it messes with his mind. but this will probably be the only time i am ever faster than him, so i'm gonna enjoy it.

we did our pushups and situps too. and honestly, i did what was asked of me and a little more. and i only stopped because i was bored and not tired. well and i was crunched for time, but. i need a more effective and challengin way to get my core work done.

oh and more good news! i'm down 4.4 pounds for a total of 6 pounds from my heaviest. the weight loss has been slow, but steady. and while i'm definitely making concerted efforts to make every meal healthier, i haven't felt too much deprivation or angst. mango orange banana vivannos with matcha from starbucks certainly help with that! :)

giddy!!!!

secrets are SOOOOOO hard to keep!

despite progress, i still need to bitch.

if you thought that was a lot of info about my latest running purchases, wait til you hear about our workouts!

the week leading up to easter, we were totally on the ball with our workouts and diet. then come easter weekend we fell, more like crashed, off the wagon. something about holiday weekends and celebrating with family brings out the glutton in us. but here's the easter miracle: we felt AWFUL on monday and learned a valuable lesson about how our minds and bodies feel after binge eating and no exercise. since then whenever we entertain the thought of skipping a workout or indulging in a treat, we remind ourselves of Easter Monday and we're quickly back on track again.

i'm finding that having a set plan for every day of the week has helped keep us accountable. it also helps to see our week written down so we can easily shuffle things around if need be. patrick has even agreed to early morning workouts when we have had to plan other things for the evening! so while we have had to shift some days around, we haven't yet missed a long run or a speed workout.

i've even devised a run workout to replace one of our easy days. it's a :30 run/walk interval over the course of 2 miles. i figure it splits the difference between endurance and speed. the other day we even ran/walked the distance before our shred workout!

all in all, i'm pretty pleased with the way things are progressing though i do have a few things i need to bitch and vent about...

1. i miss my workout time as my alone time. i miss having an escape. as patrick's unofficial coach, i carry the burden of motivating him. i'm responsible for setting the schedule, picking the venue, waking him up, and all the logistical details like bringing water and planning pre and post workout meals. it's become a job. and while the accountability to another person has helped my consistency, it has sapped some of my enjoyment.
   
   
2. patrick whines a lot. and i'm sick of it. i not only have to motivate myself but motivate him and his constant whining makes it that much harder. "i'm tired. i'm cold. i'm hot. i hate this. i can't do it. it's too hard" i want to knock him upside the head and say "HARDEN THE FUCK UP ALREADY!" it's called working out because it's WORK! if you want to be a baby, then you'll have a baby's body. if you want a man's body, fucking take it like a man.
   
   
3. getting him to eat healthy food is excruciating. he is constantly dwelling on what he can't eat rather than trying to come up with healthy alternatives. he'd rather eat nothing than modify his favorite foods. he knows little about nutrition and has done little to educate himself. sometimes for fear of eating something unhealthy he eats nothing. he would rather rely on me as the keeper of his diet. which would be fine if he ate what i would eat. but the list of fruits and vegetables he likes is limited to very little. it's hard for me to cook a varied menu based on his limited arsenal of palatable foods. and don't even get me started on telling him to cook for himself. he is the king of frozen pizza and takeout. he refuses to cook in the kitchen without me for fear of screwing things up.
   
   
4. he's also very negative. he's constantly on himself about how he's not fast enough or not losing enough weight or how he's not going to be ready in time or any multitide of things. it takes a lot of coaxing on my part to get him out of his bad mood. i tell him it's hard enough as it is without your own voice telling you you can't do things. and while it's normal to feel these things, you have to learn how to turn them around and keep on chugging. while i enjoy being supportive, it's hard work.
   

i know i'm not the perfect workout partner or coach. and he probably has boatloads of bad things to say about me. i feel bad for bitching when i'm supposed to be supportive and positive and loving. i just wish he had another source for information and inspiration because it's become a little taxing for me.

stiumlating the economy at my local neighborhood running store

omg people, so much has been going on here. but before i recap our workouts back at easter i have to tell you guys about my recent purchases!!!!!!!

the local running store was hosting a "ladies night" with food, nuun-tinis, massages, fitness demonstrations, bra fittings, raffle prizes, etc. and since it has been a year since i got new shoes and i have gained a considerable amount of weight thought it was the perfect opportunity for me to get outfitted from head to toe.

i got some new shoes that feel amazing. in the 4 or so years i've been running, i have yet to be outfitted in the same pair of shoes twice. my new pair are saucony progrid 7
which is a stability shoe. i've gone through 3 different motion control shoes, 2 i wore with orthotics to a neutral shoe with orthotics. we're hoping it splits the difference from being over supported to under supported. and they feel even wider than my last pair, so my feet should be good to go. for now, these shoes feel like a dream!

i also got fitted for a sports bra. not only were my bras old but they had gotten too small (or more accurately, i had gotten too big). they got me fitted in a MUCH larger bra and even i was shocked at the size she gave me. i must have tried on 6 or 7 different bras, in different styles, some that i couldn't even figure out how to put on without two other hands to help. but we found one that fit like a dream: the dori bra from moving comfort. the girls are fully supported without any uniboob action. the $40 price tag was steep, but it's cheaper than the boob job i'll need if i don't get proper support. my sister in law was lucky enough to WIN a bra during the night. all i won was a pair of balega running socks and a miraculous feet cd of south african music! i can't really complain because i love balega socks, but i already have more than enough socks!

but what i am most excited about are the SKINS COMPRESSION SOCKS i got. HOLY MOTHER MARY OF GOD ARE THESE THE BEST THINGS EVER!!! i have been having serious shin and calf pain from not only running, but from days of being on my feet all day. i got to the store at 7 pm and i had already done my long run and been at the beach all day in flip flops. the salesgirl at the store actually had her socks on and she raved about how she wears them for recovery after hard workouts and when she's on the sales floor all day long. so for the low, low price of $45 (ha!) i got a pair of my own. i put them on as soon as i got home and within the hour, i could not stop raving about how good my calves and shins felt. no more pain at all! i expected the compression to feel more tight, but it wasn't at all uncomfortable. and i'm serious when i say that the muscle pain just disappeared! they are a litle dorky looking, especially with the little stirrup at the bottom to hook around your heel, but i just tucked that part under the hem. and under tights no once can tell. and they are really only meant to be worn on recovery workouts or at home while recovering. so hiding them under pants is easy. and for how good they made my calves and shins feel, i honestly don't care how dorky they look. these may just replace the post long run ice bath.



though some of the recovery could also be from the new massage stick i got. this sucker can reach and work any muscle. it's easy to apply the right amount of pressure to any area without it getting tiring. i rolled it over my calves, my shins, the bottoms of my feet, my quads, hips, back, neck. definitely worth the $35 price tag. especially since i can't afford to get a nice massage after every hard workout. i was most surprised and impressed with how well it worked with such little effort on my part.

so yeah, i definitely broke the bank last night, but all my purchases rate very high on the satisfaction scale. and i won socks and got a whole bunch of other goodies for going.

though the best part is probably that i now look forward to working out so i can use all this great new stuff!

the male ego

5 days in a row we've worked out. the last three days containing sets of pushups and situps. yet i STILL managed to eke out nearly double the reps today than what i did on monday. despite being sore. woot! i don't know what's gotten into me.

though it could explain why sg is a little grumpy.

he thinks i always try to outdo him. and well, i kinda do. i'm not particularly competitive, but with him i am. i don't want him to feel bad but at the same time i just can't stand letting him beat me. i had the advantage this week though. he wanted to go first. so all i had to do was mentally prepare myself to do better than him. is it my fault i went above AND beyond?

i told him next time i'd go first. that way he can't accuse me of anything. but how do i make him not feel bad if i do better?

400s

part of sg's physical fitness test requires him to run a mile and a half in at least 14 minutes. for most people i'm sure that's easy. for him and me? not so much. but we're workin' on it.

i figured he had to average 2:2o per lap to eke in right at 14:00. he ran his first lap in just under 2:00. then we walked a lap. then he ran his next 400m in 2:19. we walked a lap. his final running lap clocked in at 2:31, making his total time somewhere around 19 minutes. not too bad. not too great. but at least we have a benchmark.

he now knows what it feels like to run at a certain speed. he now knows how to pace himself. and how to push himself. and i have no doubt that he will do totally awesome in the coming weeks. it was such a thrill to be on the inside of the track, yelling and cheering, and running alongside him.

until it was my turn. boo. i ran my first 400 in 2:21, ran my second in 2:21, and ran my final lap at 2:27. pretty consistent. though not surprising since i really only have one speed at this point. but i will have to say, i would have never dragged my ass out to the track to do this workout alone. i guess there is something to this whole teamwork thing :)

we capped last night's workout with day 1, week 1 of the situps and pushups challenge.

today we did another shred workout. we're still on level 1 but we're both making pretty big gains. he can finish the whole workout and i can tell he's pushing himself. at one point, he took his shirt off because he was hot and of course i turned into a pile of girly goo. i lost all concentration, totally disctracted by his flexing, sweaty bod.

whoo! gets me hot just thinking about it now...

a new resolve

dudes! i totally forgot to tell you! sg and i are actually, for realsie, signed up for a 5k. not just talked about doing one. but actually for realsie signed up. like we paid the money and everything. it's sunday may 17 and the course starts at the woodbridge winery in lodi.

i know we've been on and off and on and off the let's get in shape bandwagon for months now. but i think finally we're on track. i made actual training logs in a notebook and wrote down all of our workouts from now til then. we're keeping daily track of our meals and our weight. our first endurance workout was last saturday at the arboretum in davis where we walked/ran (walk 4/run 1) a shady 3.5 miles in 45 minutes. we really liked the trail and will do all of our "long runs" there, with an eye to slowly increase our running portion and decrease or walking portion. he'll get used to the distance and pacing himself and he knows for a fact that he can finish. now all we have to do is watch ourselves improve.

though last night we went on our easy 2 mile walk and had a huge fight. we had just gotten back from my family's easter party and he asked, "why do you lament so much about being 'fat' and 'ugly' yet you continue to eat the things you know you shouldn't? it makes you so sad and i wonder why someone who knows what she should be doing, doesn't do it."

and of course i got defensive and said, "i don't want to talk about it"

but he pressed on saying, "look when you get upset, i get upset. i hate seeing you get down on yourself about this. and you take your sadness and anger and take it out on me. so i want to know what i can do to help you."

to which i firmly said (maybe kinda sorta said really loudly), "i didn't ask for your help. it's my issue. i don't want to deal with it you. i don't want to have to admit to my boyfriend that i am too fat and lazy to do anything about being too fat and lazy! i don't want your help. i'll deal with it on my own!"

he stormed off. i stormed off. and i seethed. i already felt bad enough, i didn't need my boyfriend telling me i'm weak. and a hypocrite. i was furious.

eventually, we met up on the way home and i said, "look, i know you always want to help because you love me and i will always resist because i just have this streak in me that wants to do things by myself and somehow we're gonna have to meet in the middle"

and he said, "for the most part, i let you do what you want to do, how you want to do it, and when you want to do it. with the exception of you cutting up your credit card, you haven't changed anything about how you do anything. i didn't bring this up to criticize you or make you feel bad because i love you. everything about you. i've been down the same road before and seen my parents go through it. it's okay to accept my help. and it's not an indication that you are weak. we can do this together."

and i softened. because i knew that i wasn't mad at him. i was mad at the mirror he was putting in front of me. he was making me admit i had bad habits. he was making me admit i was being a hypocrite. i was in denial for so long, acting like i could eat and do whatever i wanted, because i just didn't want to face the truth: that i got to the size i am now through horrible eating habits and pure laziness. and that the road to health and fitness is never easy. and that i can't to everything myself.

as much as i hated admitting to it, i was grateful for it. i felt so tiny and to some degree ashamed of not being able to take care of myself, yet he loved me and even offered his support and love.

from then on, it solidified to me that this was going to be a team effort. and a new resolve, for both of us, has sunk in.

life is good

recession or not, life is good when you can leave work at 5 and be home at 5:07. and beautiful hiking trails are only 10 minutes away. and there is plenty of sunshine and gentle breezes. it was satisfying to know that while some had to spend the 6 o'clock hour in traffic, we got to spend it working up a sweat with each other in the great outdoors.

sweating to the oldies

thankfully, we're not talking richard simmons. but close. remember those infomercials for 8 minute abs? yeah, i've got the whole series on dvd. abs, arms, legs, buns. and since i'm resting the calves, i dusted off these dvds for a 32 minute workout. not bad actually. for someone as out of shape as me and sg.



speaking of infomercials, does anyone have the P90X dvds? they look totally intense and totally worth it. any insight?

signs of wisdom??

you know how you usually injure yourself doing something totally stupid and lame and when you're hobbling around all gimpy and people ask you how you hurt yourself you wish you had a much more interesting, if not, heroic story to tell?

i've sidelined myself for a week because i can feel the tendon along the sides of my calves is not happy with me. it's a condition i'm very familiar with. and it has nothing to do with anything awesome or badass. but has everything to do with the fact that i'm a fat ass who touristed around d.c. for 4 days with insufficient arch support.

the weight i've gained over the last 6 months or so is no freaking joke. and something i really am taking into consideration as i train. i think of all the extra poundage i'm lugging around and i cringe thinking about the load my poor biomechanically retarded feet have to carry.

anyway, it's a little bit of an anticlimactic start. i'll spend this week doing mainly strength exercises for my upper body and core. but i think a dose of conservatism here is better than my usual dose of stubbornness. see, i did learn something!

signs of buffness?

yesterday, i took the boy on a 3.5 mile loop around the neighborhood. we "power-walked"most of it with short spurts of running. he bitched practically the whole way, but we got through it in about 50 minutes.

today was day 4 of level 1 on the shred and already it's getting easier. i can tell. sg is doing less whining and more working! yay for us.

tomorrow will be a sort of easy day, i think. a leisurely walk followed by some totally old school 8 minute abs and arms. or maybe some easy-ish yoga.

come saturday, it'll be all about endurance. i wonder if i can even eke out a 3 mile long run?

and we're back

so yeah, i had a brief moment of "what the hell do you think you're doing?" in regards to the marathon. then just as quickly as it came, it went away.

so yeah. marathon. 30 weeks.

i'm going with hal higdon's 18 week novice program and started this week with his 12 week spring training. it's an interesting thing going at this the second time around. in my head i know i can do it. no fear there. but i know just how much it can suck. and just how hard it can be. but i also know where my weak points are and already have an arsenal of tricks up my sleeve to correct those.

plus this time around, i won't be waiting tables! that's a huge relief for my feet and lower body. although to some degree i'm sure that all the walking i did waitressing probably did some good, especially on those training days i skipped. but in the end, i think it's best that i reserve the time on my feet for serious actual training.

i'm excited, guys! like really really excited!

on another note, sg and i just came back from dc where he took the preliminary test for the capitol police. they said that on average about 70 people show up for the test. this time, there were over 300! and they hold 3 a month! so the candidate pool is much larger than normal. we will know in 2 weeks or so if he passed and from there we go to step 2.

they also gave us what he would be tested on physically and how to gauge his current level of fitness with what they of expect their top candidates. let's just say we have a lot of work to do. but it's totally doable. and now that we know exactly what he needs to do, we can totally train for it.

i'm training him for a 5k in about 8 weeks. 3 days of running and 2 days of jillian's shred. i think we'll work in one day of speed training because he has to get his 1.5 mile time down to AT LEAST 13:50. and he'll totally have to get on board with the 100 pushups challenge. from what my friend who is on the force has told me, they love running and pushups!

my boyfriend is gonna be so buff!

squeeeeeee!!!

i'm in!

i'm in!

I'M IN!!!!!

while i haven't gotten official notice exactly, nothing is more official than the exchange of funds, and the nike people have extracted $120 from my bank account, so....

i'm running, bitches! WOOT!

day 3 of shred

when does it get start getting easy? and when will my back fat go away?

*sigh*

ps. wii fit loves me. down a net .8 lbs again :)

run, fat boy, run

when this movie came out, i HAD to see it. watching it again on dvd reignited my love for the marathon. it strikes the perfect balance between the lunacy of running 26.2 miles and the power of the human spirit. marathoners can be a pretty serious, self-important bunch, wrapped up in all kinds of technical nonsense. i just love watching normal people transform and push themselves to do things they never thought possible. i watched spirit of the marathon the same summer. and while it is awesome to see what deena kastor's training is like, i don't really identify with her (except for her love of wine). she was obviously born to run. it's her job to run. the woman is a machine! and i mean that with lots of respect and admiration it's just that i am motivated by measly little people like me, who enjoy beer and have too many fat clothes in their closet who find enough gumption every day to eke out their mere mortal workouts.

by the end of the month i'll know if i've won the nike women's marathon lottery. i really really really hope i do. i think i want to run and finish this marathon more than i did two years ago. keep your fingers crossed, boys and girls. 'cause this fat girl wants to run!

i almost forgot

wii fit told me i lost .4 pounds this morning. and when i weighed myself tonight, i had lost .4 more pounds!

i know. i know.

don't weigh yourself so much.

the loss is nothing more than normal weight fluctuation throughout the day.

but at least i didn't fluctuate UP!

small victories people. small victories. with the scale going up as much as it has in the past year, i'll take ANY small victories.

double the workout

day 2 level 1 of the shred. this time with sg. i have to say he toughed it out pretty well. it certainly taxed him, and at one point when i was correcting his form on the lunge he nearly spat fire and bit my head off. later, when we took a short walk to cool down, he told me he doesn't want me to talk when we work out. he said he doesn't like that i have to be an expert at everything. yeesh!

so yeah, note to self, if you want to stay with sg long enough to make him your husband, let him suffer through his workouts in silence. i'm hoping that as things get easier for him, he'll start to enjoy our workouts. tomorrow i think i'll take it easy on him and go for a leisurely walk at the lagoon.

to add insult to injury, after our cooldown he went inside and i took off for a 2 mile run. the run i was supposed to do in the morning but was too sore to do. the 20 minutes shred got me so pumped i felt strong enough to get through a run. WOOT!

i'm definitely sore now. but will try to do some yoga in the morning. but i'm taking friday off. i think. this workout thing is getting addicting again!

workout for two

so not only did i rock the shred today, but i rocked the yoga too. i took sg out for a run/walk, hoping to do at least 2 miles, but then his back started acting up. i guess moving has been strenuous. so i decided we should try some yoga instead. he did pretty well in my opinion for someone who has never done yoga before. but he felt pretty defeated. poor guy. it didn't help that when we weighed ourselves on the wii fit, it told him he gained weight. that wii fit can be pretty brutal. the good news is, i didn't lose or gain. this is a HUGE victory for me because besides the last 2 or 3 days, i haven't even really been trying.

i don't consider myself in very good shape at all, but even so what i think is easy isn't so easy for sg. and i'm afraid that he won't be in good enough shape to at least start physical training and not want to cry. he's gonna have to get used to feeling uncomfortable and sometimes really struggling to see some gains. it's never been easy to get back on the wagon for me, but i am a masochist and sort of enjoy that sweat and pain. for him, not so much. i try my very very best not to give him too much lip when he whines. because what i think he needs right now is encouragement. but it's hard. wish us luck. this isn't going to be easy.

waking up with jillian

like the rest of the world, i've adopted jillian michaels as my personal trainer. day one of her 30 day shred was pretty good. doable, but definitely lots of room for improvement. and she isn't all annoying and fake perky. she's tough. and motivating.

though i felt a little self conscious doing jumping jacks while the rest of the house slept. seriously, the whole house shook. *sigh* i guess if i keep it up, i won't have to worry about feeling like an elephant tromping around anymore.

the big move

so, the boyfriend is all moved in.

it's just me and him. and my mom and my dad. in a 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom 2,000+ square foot house. surprisingly, it's not so bad. though time will tell. at the very least it is saving us TONS of money and saving me from having to drive 90 miles round trip every week to see him.

right now, we're in a pretty good spot. if sg passes the preliminary capitol police test in 2 weeks, he'll face an interview, background check, and polygraph. and if that goes well, he goes to georgia and then to maryland for a total of 7 months for training. the good news is, training is paid. so we'll be able to bank 7 months of his salary while having minimal living expenses. this job could very well launch us firmly and comfortably into the next step.

so dealing with the "full house" situation for now, is very doable, because we know the next step is going to be HUGE.

in that same vein, i finally for the first time ever, got my budget set up on a spreadsheet. it turns out i have more money than i thought, and was spending like a fool before. i've been able to project into the future and figure out when i'll have a decent sized emergency fund and when all my debts will finally be paid.

so while sg is busting his ass in federal officer training, i'll be slaving away, chipping away at my debts so we can get married DEBT FREE! i hate that i'm the dead weight when it comes to this, but he's understanding is thankful that by living with my parents he is able to put even more money away in savings every month.

so we're pluggin' along. just like everyone else in america.

i might also have some good news at the end of the month.....

the truth about my job

i know i've been bitching and moaning about my job, but since the beginning of lent, i've done some re-evaluating.

my job? it ain't that bad. it's my attitude that has sucked.

i took this job just to tide me over until i found what i really wanted to do. and i found that those jobs were in scarce supply and that i needed additional training. it really hurt my ego to be making about what i made right out of college, since i've been working for 6 years and have since built up my salary. it really hurt my ego to be doing "grunt work" again, stuff that barely taxed my brain. stuff that is sooo beneath me.

i felt like my job wasn't good enough. therefore, i wasn't good enough. i avoided telling people what i did and where i worked because i knew i was capable of so much more. and well, i felt people expected more from me. and i held onto those feelings for a long time.

until i realized, it doesn't really matter. my family doesn't care about what i do. and my boyfriend loves me no matter what.

my job pays my bills, and gives me a little extra to save and spend. the people i work for appreciate the work i do and praise me often. my hours have been cut to 32, but even so, the money is enough and i get three day weekends with the people i love. i can wear jeans and a sweatshirt everyday if i want. my commute is 3 miles, so i can go home for lunch. it's sometimes a little stressful, but it's the kind of stress that doesn't follow you home. and every once in awhile i get a good, fun project to sink my teeth into.

seriously, who can complain with that?

for now, it will do. and for now, it's what i need. bigger and better are on the horizon, but for now, i'm thankful for what i have. and that attitude change makes a huge difference in my overall happiness.