doubts

i know i've proclaimed my everlasting love for sg from the hilltops and on this blog, so it feels awkward to admit that i've been having doubts. it's a diffuclt thing to write about because on the one hand i do know with great certainty that i do love him. that i was born to love him. on the other hand, there are days i wonder whether we are even compatible. and while i know it's perfectly normal (and maybe healthy) to be in love one day and want to wring each others neck the next, i still wonder whether these doubts mean something more.

i do know that these doubts feel different from red flags. i've felt those before and ignored them. this feels different.

in so many ways, sg is more than i ever wanted in a man. honest. trustworthy. family oriented. funny. romantic. gentlemanly. articulate. loyal. loving. generous.

but in other ways, i just don't know. we have absolutely NO common interests. he's a quiet sci-fi, fantasy, history geeky only child from the deep south. i'm a gregarious, wanna-be athlete from the big city cracked out on pop-culture and design. i'd always hoped my spouse would be my #1 activity buddy. as it turns out, he doesn't ever want to run with me. (though he has said he hopes to be my #1 race supporter) he's into hiking, but i had to walk him through what "dri-fit" and "wicking" meant when we had to outfit him in gear.

and don't even get me started on food. culinarily, he hasn't stepped foot off american soil and is a veggie-phobe. his idea of cooking is making hamburger helper or pasta, and he doesn't even know what al dente means!

i'm an eternal optimist, he's a pessimist (or as he likes to say "realist"). often we're on the same page about an issue or subject, but it's not until we reach the end of a very tiring discussion that we realize we've come to the same place but via different routes..

he likes to think he's modern, but to me he's very traditional. when i had voiced that i wasn't changing my name when we got married and instead would add his name to mine, he said "i've never heard of anyone doing that before". WTF?

which leads to one of my greatest frustrations with him. he just seems less life-experienced than me. he only learned to do his laundry when he moved out of his parents' house to san francisco 2 years ago! he's told me he's spent a lot of time indoors, wrapped up in video games, saving his pennies for the woman of his dreams to share life's adventures with. meanwhile, i was off having those adventures. and i hate to admit that some of the things he gets excited about doing or thinks are new and exciting, are old hack for me. granted i've never done them with him, but there are a million and one other things on my life to do list that i'd like to get done. and sometimes it feels like i'm having to teach him which frustrates me. it shouldn't but it does.

which leads me to my next point. i'm not used to having to share my life. even though i was in a relationship for the majority of my 20s, dude wasn't around a lot. and my family was on the other side of the country. so i grew to be very independent. i'm resourceful. i don't need anyone to take care of me. and i've never had any other agenda than my own and have built my life around achieving my goals. this means i can be very ambitious, stubborn, and bossy, which i know grates on his southern genteel sensibilities, which i sometimes feel is pretention and undue snobbery. one of the hardest things i'm dealing with is the fact that presently, he makes more money than i do and foots the bill more often than not. i've never been in this position and i HATE not being an equal in this regard. i don't like feeling like i'm not contributing enough and i don't like feeling that he has the power because he has the money.

i think the biggest obstacle isn't our differences in food or background, but in my learning how to give up some of my independence to make me a we. giving up feeling like i'm right about how everything should be done (even though more often than not i am), giving up what i want to do all the time (which is hard!), giving up my free time to spend with him, changing my idea of the future because it now includes another person's goals and needs. for someone who yearned for a mate, i'm having a hard time adjusting to it in real life. i've just gone for so long on my own, had resolved that i would be alone, i had programmed myself to be tough and uncompromising. isn't that the single, independent woman anthem?

so how the heck can i feel like i've remained true to myself yet be in a successful, nurturing, happy relationship?

4 interviews

1. thursday: left feeling energized, renewed, and inspired. while he didn't have a job for me, i did make a great connection with a very talented freelancer. not only will he will be a very helpful resource, it was wonderful talking to another creative person. he shares studio space with a photographer and their studio is one of many in a whole building of other artists. it felt like home.
2. friday: the manager i interviewed with was very nice and i felt like she genuinely wanted to help but couldn't offer me anything that paid what i wanted. boooo.
3. friday #2: was asked to come back into the office to "try things out". sounded promising, yet sketchy.
4. friday #2 followup on tuesday: it totally WAS sketchy. the office was ridiculously disorganized. it felt more like a sweatshop than a print shop. and it was more "every man for himself" than team oriented. BIG, HUGE NO!
5. wednesday: very promising interview with a great company. interviewed with the vp and pre-press manager. then sent to interview with another manager. was offered the job later that day. but refused because again they weren't offering the money i wanted, much less deserved.

so, it's back to the drawing board. i was a little disheartened, but now that a day has passed, i feel better. there are some other positions i've found that i'd like to apply for and am going to make another go at freelancing again. the economy sucks so hard right now, but i really am trying to remain positive. that's the only thing that will get us all through.

the upside and downside

the upside: i have three interviews in the next two days. one is more of an informational one, but could possibly lead to freelance work.

the downside: i have to go to renaissance faire. in costume. wearing a corset. and i'm not allowed to make fun of anyone (at least out loud), especially my boyfriend. at least there will be beer. oh, there will be beer. *sigh* the things i do for love.

i've had a post rolling around in my head for some time now. the topic could be quite juicy if i decide to share. i worry about posting it only because of my current state of mind and wonder whether i will regret it later, should someone find it. that, my friends, is why it's best to keep your blog from people you know.

in any case, i've got a full 4 days ahead of me. hope your weekend is full of happy training!

back in the day

this is sg when he was a senior in high school. and obviously, this is me. we would have made a totally hot couple, even then! except i got way better grades than he did and would have thought he was a slacker. and he might have thought i was too snobby and perky for my own good. so it's probably for the best we met when we did :)

i realize my blog has turned into a shrine to my current relationship. it's kind of embarrassing. i promise there will be real news soon.

actually, wait. i do have news. i've been scouring my address book and my facebook for help in the job search and so far have been having a little luck. no real hard leads yet, but it feels good to have so many other people watchin' my back. so, i say to you my beloved bloggers, if you have any contacts (or know of anyone who would) in the san francisco bay area in the field of marketing / communications / advertising / graphic design / production, please let me know.

the next phase

i canceled my gym membership.

in and of itself, not a big deal. but this one small action reveals a lot about the state of my life and where it's headed. it's no secret that training for "the next big race" has taken a back seat to other things lately. and i've finally accepted that. not that my endurance running days are over. just on hiatus.

training has become a lesser priority over :

1. making more money/finding a new job
   
2. getting into grad school
3. spending time with the family and the beau

and i'd still like to be able to eat and sleep and not be stressed out about everything.

in the meantime, while i look for a better paying job, i've cut expenses. and the gym membership was the first to go. it was hard. it was painful. i've been a member of some sort of gym for at least a decade. it's always so hard to quit because of how much it costs to join. and i tell myself i'll use it more. and i get scared that if i quit i'll just turn into a fat, lazy loser. when really, i have lots of resources at home to do exactly what i would do at the gym (besides swim).

again, in and of itself, quitting the gym is not a big deal. except that it's part of a larger "jenn gets financially responsible" plan...

the night before i quit the gym, i cut up my credit cards. in front of sg.

as sg and i got closer and talked more and more about marriage i was afraid that my past love affair with plastic would send him running. this is a man who has no debt. not even student loan debt. he paid for his past 2 vehicles in cash.

let's just say i'm glad he fell in love with me before knowing my deep, dark, debt secret. and the fact that it hasn't sent him running is even more proof to me that he is the one.

i spent my 20s having fun. living in the moment. wanting to experience everything i possibly could. i worked hard, don't get me wrong, because i've dug myself out of this hole before. but i always managed to find my way back, no matter how much money i was making, because something always came up that i didn't want to miss.

from what he tells me, sg has always been prudent. saving for what he really wanted. saving for that rainy day. saving up for the things he wanted to do when he met the woman of his dreams. he delayed his instant gratification for the future he wanted to build with his wife and his family. even though he didn't know who she was or when or whether it would happen.

the more we talked about building our life together, the more i realized that my past was holding us both back. and that i could no longer be so reckless. that the spoiled brat i had become would need to grow into a responsible brat.

and so it's begun. the next phase.

*************************************
if you're wondering about our future plans, nothing is set in store. he'd like to get married sooner rather than later, like before 2010, but considering all my money will be going into paying off my past, it makes saving for a wedding doubly difficult. that and the fact that i don't want my parents to have to pay a cent. they've done enough for me. i think his desires will be tempered by reality, but i can't say i'm a little disapointed if we would have to wait. though 2010 is a nice round number.

we've looked at rings. and before you get all up in arms, we were out shopping for other stuff, we walked by a jewelry store, it was his idea. he claims to know nothing about diamonds/rings, plus he wanted to know what i liked. and let me preface this by saying, i'm not a jewelry kind of girl. i have some special peices from my mom and my grandma, but from the most part, i wear only earrings and an ironman watch on a daily basis and consider costume jewelry more fun and dramatic (and less scary to lose) than real jewelry. but i still shouldn't have been surprised by the beauty and brilliance of a 2 karat princess cut solitaire on my finger. 1 karat would have been more than plenty, but looked so puny after the 2 karat. but not even my formerly spoiled brat self would expect an engagement ring that costs as much as a car.

we've discussed what we've envisioned as the perfect wedding. there are a number of options. eloping is still on the table, but not 100% ideal. we love our families too much to exclude them, but the sheer number of people and the east coast/west coast debate make running away to a tropical island all the more romantic. but i'm sure we'll come up with a happy compromise.

we've narrowed down the number of kids we'd like. no debate there. let's just hope our bodies are still up for when the time comes.

the biggest point of contention is where we'll settle down. california was never sg's intended home. and i moved back home to start planting roots. his family is in alabama, a place neither of us want to live. the jury's still out...

and that's about it. i know you all think we're crazy. we've only been dating for 2 months and 10 days. i know nothing is a guarantee. but sg is a perfect fit.

i need a set of big girl pants...

so much time lapses between my posts that i think why do i even bother? do people even really care any more? then i remember i started blogging for myself. so that answers that question. it frustrates me though, that there is so much going on in my life that training has taken a back seat. i gave myself the excuse of adopting a type b approach to training this summer. and while it's helped keep me "balanced" to enjoy things other than my running, i feel like part of my life is severely lacking because i'm not running as much as i'd like. not even so much that i'm not running as much as i think i should or need. but i WANT to be running more. what craziness!

my upcoming half marathon in october has started to weigh on me. will i be ready? at the beginning of the summer i would have said, yes, i will be ready. now? it's pretty dicey. could i get through it, yes. could i walk the majority of it? yes. but i don't want to. i want to run it. i want to run it better than i've run any other half marathon.

so what's my problem?

i never understood how much of a time commitment and mental commitment training was. because i had all the free time in the world as a single nine to fiver. added onto the fact that i lived on my own. now? i've still got a nine to five, but i have many more family responsibilities, don't have a whole home to myself, and maintain a relationship with a boyfriend who lives an hour away. and soon? i'm gonna have to worry about gmats and grad school apps. AND. i really need to start looking for another job.

where the HELL am i going to find time to train?

in the grand scheme of things, everything else comes first. but how do i reconcile my strong desire to train and race and the finite number of hours in a day? the finite amount of energy i can put into the various pieces of my life?

i know i'm not alone in this. hell, there are executive mothers who train for 2 marathons and ironmans at a time with twin infants at home. everyone has a lot on their plate. why can't i seem to juggle everything too?

i kind of wish i hadn't signed up for this half marathon. i think the reason it weighs heavily on my mind is that if i'm gonna do it, i want to do it well. and it irks me that there just doesn't seem like there's enough time. it irks me that i'm unwilling? unable? to step things up and just bite the bullet and stop whining and just get off my ass and train like a good girl.

grrrrr....

but at the same time, i just can't abandon everything else and eat, sleep, and breathe training. i HAVE to get a new job. i HAVE to take the gmats. i HAVE to apply to business school. i WANT to be there for my family. i WANT to be there for my boyfriend. i WANT to catch up with friends.

the theme of my past posts all definitely point to me not having enough time for myself. downtime, not worrying about anything. doing exactly what i want, when i want, how i want, for whatever reason i want. even as i write this i get this icky knot in my stomach. i just want to run away.

i know that soon enough, things will shake down. and i'll get a handle on things. and what falls to the wayside, falls to the wayside. it'll all be good. but for now, i'm angsty :)

in other news, sg and i are headed to vegas tomorrow to meet up with my college friends. you know, for the the girls' trip that turned into the couple's trip. i have loads more to say about that but i've already blogged your ear (eyes?) off. i also have a race report from last friday to write. wherein i took my nephew to his first race! :)

but that will all have to wait. everyone's on vacavy anyway. be safe kids and have fun!

i need to lay off the carbs

because they're messing with my mood.

besides i'll be in vegas in 4 days. carb bloat won't fit into my halter dresses.

*sigh*

i think my mood lately pretty much confirms that i need a vacation. a proper vacation, not just fun, action packed three day weekends. in fact, i think it's the combination of my work weeks AND weekends that have been making my life too hectic. that and the end of summer marking serious get down to business with business school time.

so while i don't have any vacation time coming soon, the first two weekends in september are open and i plan to keep it that way. no bf, no family, no friends. just me. and whatever the hell i want to do. which may just very well be nothing.

well, eating. i WILL be eating!

on turning 30

unrelated to the main part of this post, i am in a crappy mood. had a great yoga session, where i confirmed that i am way too tight, followed by a crappy run cut short. i feel like i need a vacation and my mom is working my last nerve. but instead of dwelling on the crap, i'm posting something i wrote (and kept in drafts) earlier in the week about the fabulousness that has been turning 30.

in my rare downtime, i've been catching up on my blog reading and came across this post at she just walks around with it. as you all know, i've been very contemplative about turning 30 and have been talking about it since i turned 29. i've been eager to just get over my 20s already and move on to the next phase of my life. not to say my 20s weren't totally kick ass. because they were. despite all the turmoil that i (and most people do in their 20s) went through, i wouldn't trade it in for anything. i lament that it has probably taken me longer to grow up than most people, but i guess that's just the price you pay for being a kid at heart. and i'd rather be a kid than an adult any day :)

i had some ideas planned for the big 3-0 post. you know, lists of stuff i want to see, accomplish etc. for now, i've settled on this:

10 things about my past:

1. i always loved school. so much so that i chose to go to summer school. i very much enjoyed being "one of the smart kids".
   
2. i was a little shy as a kid. but puberty helped. boobs are useful in gaining friends, i guess.
3. going to college out of state was one of the best decisions i ever made.
4. returning home was also one of the best decisions i ever made.
5. i have been in love 3 times.
6. i spent way too much money.
7. i was way type-a.
8. i've always been grateful for my creative abilities.
9. i spent a lot of time trying to be "perfect".
10. i was kind of a snob.

10 things about my present:

1. i am the happiest i've ever been.
2. i'm a runner. and very much enjoy that i am active and fit, especially after a very non-athletic childhood.
3. i wish i kept up with my piano lessons though.
4. i am praying to the gods for a great gmat score and acceptance into b-school.
5. i find i'm happier being "balanced" over being "perfect"
6. i eat way too much.
7. i have found the love of my life.
8. i have embraced being dubbed "cute" and hope it means i'll always look young for my age.
9. i appreciate my loved ones much, much more. and hopefully do a good job in showing it.
10. i am starting to be deafened by the sound of my biological clock. for awhile i thought i didn't have one.

10 things about my future:

1. i will get an mba.
2. i will run more marathons.
   
3. i will marry sg.
4. i will have our babies. and they will be damned cute. and smart. (and they will be runners)
   
5. i will travel to greece, latin america, australia, italy, spain, and most of the 50 states. and anywhere sg wants to go. i will follow him to the ends of the earth, if need be.
   
6. i will be a working mom and teach my daughters to be strong and independent.
7. i will learn to: sew, surf, letterpress, screenprint, and take better pictures.
   
8. i also want to take up: gardening, light carpentry, and triathloning. i'd also like to brush up on my spanish and use it more often.
   
9. i want to do more: dancing, cooking, swimming, yoga, crafting.
10. i will always laugh more than i will cry.
    

how did that happen?

a month ago, i ran my fastest 6 miler ever in 1:17. i weighed in at 165 after losing 6 pounds in 18 days. tonight i ran a 7 miler in 1:33:39. and was shocked to see the scale read 163.5.

huh?

i'm not getting faster, which is no surprise since i am running at most twice a week. but how the hell did i manage to lose weight this month? have you SEEN what i've been doing the last month? what i've EATEN this month? it's a shock to me that i was able to run 7 miles at all!

i guess there really is something to this whole cross training thing. because even though i've skipped too many runs, i've replaced them with hikes and long walks. and i have managed to get in at least one medium to long run every week. but still. by no means does it feel like i'm training, yet i somehow manage to eke by AND lose weight?

this type b approach really works, man.

a blog is a lot of work

i have become one of those women who is too busy for a lot of things now that she has a boyfriend. grrr. in all honesty though, class was taking up a fair bit of time. and now that it's finally not my birthday (i've been celebrating since the 1st) things should HOPEFULLY get getting back to normal. but i know it really won't til after our trip to vegas on labor day.

i got a short run in on friday before the boy came down for the weekend. i managed to get in some other active time playing with the nephew, beating sg in a major way in mini golf, hiking, sweating to dance dance revolution, breaking in the new wii fit, and kayaking. not a total loss for the weekend. i wanted to get a long run in after the boy left tonight, but i have eaten my weight in carbs and my body is busy digesting. and evacuating. not a good time to run.

i started a post about my birthday celebrations, but in all honesty, i'm tuckered out for a full recap. check out my flickr page for photos and i'll give you the short recap now:

sg planned a weekend of surprises for me the first weekend of august where we went to the monterey bay aquarium, which i haven't been to in years! he arranged for us to take a boat around the bay. i don't know if it was the wine or the actual waves that made him sick, but the poor thing was heaving his lunch over the side of the boat. i did get video of a baby dolphin that was swimming along side the boat for a good portion of the trip. that night we got back to his apartment, and as a pizza baked in the oven we looked up at the stars out of his window and found the big dipper. and as we traced the spoon, a shooting star darted across the sky! a total "this only happens in the movies" kind of moment. but that's been my life since meeting him.

on sunday, he arranged dinner at the melting pot, where there were roses waiting for me at our private booth in the section of the restaurant called "lover's lane". and he even arranged for us to get our picture taken. seriously, if someone were telling me this story, this is the part i would fake barf, but really, it was all very sweet.

on monday, he managed to get club level tickets to the giants game, so i feigned ill and spent the day as a local.

the next weekend, i had a camping trip planned with the whole fam down in santa cruz. all 30 of us, and poor patrick. even my 92 year old grandma and newborn nephew camped! he was a hit with the fam, with the exception of my grizzly overprotective mama bear, who doesn't want to admit that she likes him. we ate 'round the clock, taught the kids how to swim, hula hooped, rode bikes, tie dyed tshirts, rode a mechanical bull, played ping pong, made smores. it was all good family outdoor fun.

on my actual birthday, i drove me and my parents up to sacramento to have dinner with my brothers, sil, and monchichi. nothing too crazy, though the girls at hooters had me stand on a chair and do a funky chicken like dance while they sang. yes, we went to hooters for my birthday. try the fried pickles next time you go.

next weekend, the monchichi and i are running the race for the arts 10k in sacramento. we're also celebrating my baby brother's 25th. i'm taking him to the infineon raceway for his birthday.

so you can see, it's been a busy busy summer. one i wouldn't trade for the world. but i promise i'll be back to my regular bloggy (and running) self soon. the san jose half won't run itself!

this is what 30 looks like

happy. healthy. confident. loved.

go shorty! it's your birthday!

and this is my future.


and as it is my birthday, i thought it would be fitting to post my 6 word memoir:

big laughs. big heart. big appetite.

more thoughts on hitting the big 3-0 later...as well as updates on the very busy past 2 weeks!

slow

i'm finally home. in my own bed. whew. work today wasn't too bad. mainly because i know it's even extra shorter because i have friday off too!

i did get in a nice long run on monday while the boy worked. i set out from his apartment atop russian hill, made my way down to ghiradelli square ran through the marina and made it all the way to chrissy field and along baker beach before i had to stop and pee. i wished i had more time to do to the golden gate, but my parking spot expired in 2 hours and i needed to hightail it back home.

it took me a little under 45 minutes for this portion, but i gave myself more time on the return trip because it was going to be uphill. and i mean UPhill. hyde street between beach and lombard are killer. KILLER! i tried to run every other block. and the tourists were amazed. honestly, i was amazed. one day i will conquer these hills without my hamstrings begging for mercy. i've seen people do it. and i will one day be one of those people.

i ended up getting lost, as i usually do. and ended up circling round and round until i asked a meter maid for directions. i made it back to my car in just a little over 2 hours. and even though i have run only 1 other time last week, this run felt easy, breezy, and FANTASTIC. and even though my ipod crapped out 30 minutes into my run, the weather and sights were so gorgeous i felt like i could have run forever. it gives me hope that a half marathon really is doable again.

i have also named this post slow because flickr is taking forever to upload my photos from this weekend. i don't blame it though. at last count, after deleting the duds and doing some quick photoshopping, it's uploading 305 photos. whew!

so i'll wait til i have the proper visual aids to do the show and tell of this weekend. trust me, it's worth it. right now, i need to massage the heck outta my legs. and oh yeah, a stats test to study for... grrrr....

time flies

has it really been a week since i last posted? have i really been that busy. the answer is yes! fu*k yes.

this is the last week of class, and i'm poised to get an a. i found out that i only need a 65 on the last test to keep my a! WOOT! my friend kb was visiting on friday, and we had a full day hiking at muir woods, picnicing at stinson beach, and cooling off in the ocean. from there we met up with sg, 3 of my cousins and my aunt for a ridiculously fantastic steak dinner at harris' in nob hill.

from there, we made our way to asiasf only to be pulled over by a cop for supposedly making a right hand turn from the wrong lane. BOO! totally not the case, but sg got hit with a $400 ticket. for something totally ridiculously lame. needless to say, that was a huge buzzkill and we all went home right after.

the rest of the weekend has been spent with my sg, learning of my birthday surprise and continuing to be the happiest, luckiest girl on earth. in fact, the fun hasn't yet stopped. the boy got bad@ss tickets to the giant's game through work and we're capping off our 4 day weekend at the ballpark. so i called out today and am planning my day in the city while he is at work.

so updates of our weekend will most likely follow on tuesday or wednesday once i finally upload the 1000 pictures i've taken in the last 4 days. i do plan on running today, finally. i'm so glad class will be over this week and i can REALLY start training...and looking for a job in san francisco.......

hope you all had a tenth of the weekend i've had!

15 things about this weekend

surf's up!

it's busy-busy around here. so busy i will stop using complete sentences and post in bullets. this weekend i:

1. learned the monchichi knows the words to katy perry's song, "i kissed a girl". how hilarious is that?!
   
   
2. feasted on an assortment of grilled meats, courtesy of my brother the chef: rib eye, 2 kinds of pork chops, quartered chicken, leg of lamb. animals are tasty.
   
   
3. also dined on authentic southern fried chicken. (without sg)
   
   
4. bought a huge flat of strawberries and bricks of 2 kinds of chocolate: old dutch and french vanilla dark.
   
   
5. cringed when the monchichi sadly called out for me as i left to meet sg and his friends.
   
   
6. made friends with a new toddler.
   
   
7. drank beer and got beat by a calculus teacher at ping pong. i guess being asian doesn't automatically make you good at ping pong.
   
   
8. got up the next morning and ran for 45 minutes AND did my pushups.
   
   
9. and felt like a total show off.
   
   
10. met some cool new people.
    
    
11. participated in major pda in front of sg's friends.
    
    
12. ate 2 kinds of cake.
    
    
13. introduced sg to my brother, sil, cousin, mom, and dad.
    
    
14. survived the whole ordeal.
    
    
15. was pleasantly surprised at how it all went, actually.

as for my parents' reactions to sg, my mom says she hopes he can "tame" me, whatever the hell that means. last time i checked i wasn't a shrew.

this week holds tons more activity. i have a friend in from out of town and sg has planned an early birthday extravaganza weekend! and it's a SURPRISE! wheeeeeeeeee!

until then, i've got laundry, homework, and running to do. lots of running!

one day i will stop posting pictures of the two of us. today is not that day.

------------
in running news, i got an easy 2 miler in, followed by some lower body in the weight room.

weighing the options

things keeping me from running:

1. facebook
2. daydreaming (of the boy)
3. facebook
4. facebook

reasons i need to run

1. i ate two doughnuts last night with the excuse that i was going to run today.
2. i want to run a strong half mary, not just survive it.
3. i'd like to lose another 6 pounds before my vegas trip on labor day.

that's it...i'm logging off and running....peace out!

******UPDATE******
6 mile lr on the books. totally smooth sailing. so smooth i wasn't paying attention to mile markers and hit my split button too late on every mile. (14:18, 12:38, 13:06, 12:19, 14:55) i had tocut the 6 miler down to 5 after developing a hip twinge at 4.5 miles. i've felt this twinge before when training for santa cruz. and i was NOT going to push it. i walked the last half mile and stretched like a mo fo. tomorrow i had planned to get in an easy 5 miles, but i think i'll be in the pool, pulling for my life, and getting some yoga done tonight!

let's hope the monchichi doesn't have any strenuous exercise on the books, though!

some spontaneity

kids, i skipped school today. and i skipped my speed workout. i was missing the boy way too much and friday seemed too far off. confident that the 102 on my last test solidified my A in stats, i didn't feel too guilty as i breezed past the college on the way to the bay.

i was greeted with hugs. and kisses. and he smelled so good. it was exactly what i missed. exactly what i needed.

we headed to dinner at memphis minnie's to get our fill of what he considers the most authentic southern barbecue in the city. and while the sweet tea left much to be desired, the ribs were spot on.

from there we drove to the beach, not missing robin william's huge mansion overlooking china beach. we climbed up some rocks to find a little spot to watch the sun set. and then when the sun touched down on the horizon, we spotted a large school of dolphins splashing and swimming in the water. we soaked in the fresh air, watched the waves crash, and collected rocks in the sand to commemorate our third date.

i don't know what i ever did to get this lucky. but i honestly have been thanking my lucky stars every day. i never knew it could be this good. i never know i could be this happy.

too much fun for one

busy busy weekend here, kids. so busy i totally overslept this morning. but never fear, a post-work nap led to a great evening workout: easy 2 miler, some time in the weight room working on lower body, and day one of week one in the push ups challenge. my second initial test yielded 13 pushups, so averaged my first test of 10 with 13 and settled on the middle level. if i was hardcore i'd really push myself, but this is the summer of type b, remember? so my pushup sets went 7, 7, 5, 4, 7 for a total of 30! i was taking less than the 60 second break in between. but i'm sure as time progresses i'll need em!

as for the weekend, i spent the saturday afternoon with the fam in bodega bay. it was a great day for the beach. overcast, but warm and breezy. perfect for playing in the sand, getting dirty, and eating bbq! i am overjoyed that my nephew loves the beach. i was afraid he might be like his dad and be grossed out by sand and sea water. but nope, we chased waves, buried each other in sand, and raced up and down the beach chasing birds. i'll spare you the pictures of my brothers totally smoking me in a sprint down the beach. at least i've got them in the endurance department.

we're going to bodega bay!

ooh! the water is cold!

lots of pretty dogs to pet!

boys can hula hoop too!

carting the monchichi on my back counts as cross-training, right?

what scheme is he plotting next? (i need to photoshop that grill out of the picture if i'm ever going to get it printed)

organic brick oven french bread! and homemade scones! biscotti! sticky buns!

cute lily pond in occidental, ca

ack! BIRDS!

that night, i drove up to sf to have dinner with sg. and help him with grocery shopping. lucky for him i like that kind of stuff. plus, what better way to get to know someone than to see firsthand their food habits? it is very apparent that i will be in charge of nutrition in the relationship. but he seems very amenable to it. sg rewarded my help with his errands by taking me on a walk up to a park that overlooked the bay, spanning from bridge to bridge. we sat, drank our beer, talked, cuddled while the fog rolled in. san francisco couldn't be a more perfect place to fall in love.

the next morning, we went to aids walk sf. he was volunteering with ws. so i smiled and made polite talk with the coworkers and while he schmoozed i took off with my camera to take in the sights:

i was so tempted to steal these dogs! first order of business after getting my own place is getting a boston terrier!

children's playground, golden gate park

some of them told me it can take up to 3 hours for them to get all dolled up!

www.fatchancebellydance.com

sg at the grill. thankfully, god did not ignore my prayer about wanting my boy to have a great ass. ws puts out a phenomenal spread for its team of walkers. i had my fill of grilled portabellas, asparagus, and salmon.

the real san francisco treat

are you sick of us yet? i'm not.

after our philanthropic efforts we trekked home and napped before dinner. we rode the cable car downtown, sipped on soup, and waited with the masses to watch batman. but the wait was totally worth it!

then sadly, i had to make the trek home and another pefect weekend came to an end. next weeked should be interesting though. i'm meeting some of his friends. and he's meeting the 'rents!

summertime lsd

first long run of training and i made a dumb rookie mistake. i let my enthusiasm get the better of me. check out my splits: 12:21, 11:31, 12:41, 13:16, 14:30, 12:37 for a total time of 1:17 for a 6 miler. i tried to recapture my "speed" from thursday and got my ass handed to me instead. but it's all good, i finished. though i do attribute my slowness to not enough hydration, woman issues, and possibly not enough food yesterday. i didn't remember i was running my lsd today until dinner. and i ate light pretty all day.

which explains my new weight: 165! so that means i'm down 6 pounds in 18 days. not bad. not bad.

i was also rewarded at the end of my run when i looked up at the tv and saw the new kids' video playing! did i tell you i'm seeing them in concert in october! WOOT! my love for jordan knight still lives! here's a clip of their video. i'm off to bodega bay with the fam bam and i'm bringing my hula hoop!

it just keeps getting better

55:33.

that's how fast i ran my 5-miler this morning.

*blink* *blink*

you read that right. 55:33. um hello, that's like my fastest time EVER for a 5 miler. and i wasn't even trying. and i'm only in the zygote stage of training. holy shite.

the schedule called for a tempo run, but since i'm still in a run/walk phase, i stuck with intervals. i started off at a walk: 10:30 pace, then after awhile increased the walk to a 12:00 trot, then after awhile increased the running pace to 10:00, then finally took out the slow trot altogether and ran the last mile at a 10:00 pace, kicking it up to 7.2 mph to finish. WHEW!

it was altogether exhilirating. and empowering. getting this 5 miler under my belt, with energy to spare gives me hope that a half mary pr is in my future. it's also a lesson that pizza, rice, and goobers in moderate amounts makes me a faster runner.

i have also tinkered around the 100 pushups challenge site. i haven't read it in depth so i haven't yet officially started. i tried it out today and did 10. i probably had 2 more in me, but was afraid i'd smash my face into the floor if i tried. i think i'll try a solid attempt tonight or tomorrow.

party on, kids!

life. is. good.

first things first. i'm registered and paid to run the rock n roll half marathon in san jose october 5. WOOT! i am beyond excited. and beyond happy to be running again. i was worried that the runner in me had died over the last 6 months, but no. she was just carboloading...

i have a race in mind for me and the monchichi next month. it's the same race i broke my 5k pr. i'm not deluded enough to think i can get another pr at this race, but it will please me to no end to see my little nephew run across the finish line and receive his first medal. the little guy can run like a champ and it is my goal to train him to be my running partner.

today i did another run/walk, this time at a 1:2 interval, with my running pace increased to a 10:30 pace. felt very good. i got in 2.25 miles and called it a day. i have to start eating more carbs. i've cut way, way back, trying not to eat anything but fruits, veggies, beer, and the occasional chocolate treat, but it looks like i can start adding cereal back into my morning regimen. i did have a chocolate soy milk afterwards though. yum.

now onto the news you've all been waiting for. check out the cuteness that is me and sg:
seriously, don't you just want to eat us up with a spoon?!

i drove up saturday after spending the morning with the nephew and the first thing i got when i got out of my car was a kiss and a hug. the weak knees started then. he showed me his ridiculously immaculate apartment. i met his roommate who stashes scientology propaganda in the bathroom, then we headed out into the sunshine. from his apartment in russian hill, we trekked to coit tower then made our way to north beach for lunch al fresco. from there we made it to the wharf to take a boat 'round the bay, then walked along the marina where he showed me his office (williams sonoma headquarters). we walked up to pier 39 to have dinner before taking another long walk home.

i spent the night at my grandma's house and the next morning dished the dirt to my aunt and cousin. i met him in the morning for breakfast where we planned a day of shopping. we trekked to union square and he took me through the williams sonoma flagship store. it was absolutely adorable watching him geek out about housewares. and he got to watch me geek out about the entire third floor filled with beautiful gourmet goodies! we went to niketown, tried on jeans at old navy, attempted to get into the apple store, but decided to go eat instead. we walked to the ferry building for a late lunch and shared burgers and garlic fries. by then we were about beat but still had to walk back to the car in union square. we got home, napped, then he made me dinner before sending me on my way back home.

doesn't that all just sound like a dream? we held hands the entire time and walked around with giddy grins the entire time. we talked and talked and talked and laughed and laughed like we were the only 2 people on earth. we couldn't stop remarking at just how similar we were, stopping every so often to exclaim "ME TOO!" when one of us would bring up some random topic. there were moments during this weekend we just looked at each other and said, "where the hell have you been the last 30 years?!"

both of us revealed that we had been praying to find someone like each other. and i dare say sg is more than i ever could have hoped for. he is more than what i was too scared to hope for because i never thought it would be possible. and after the shock had worn off that this was indeed real, together we offered up a prayer of thanksgiving to the GOD we knew had orchestrated this from the beginning.

i know that this all sounds so sudden, so crazy, so far fetched. i KNOW! i could barely believe it myself in the beginning. but i think i knew from the first phone conversation with him that he was different. that i was in the for ride of my life with him.

this is it kids. he is it. life. is. good.

on strike

blogger is not letting me post pictures. and until it will let me post the cuteness that is me and sg, you'll have to wait on deets of our weekend.

and i'm telling you, it was fa-bu-lous.

xoxo

in less than 24 hours, i will be kissing this boy all over san francisco. go ahead, be a hater. i'll be too busy being weak in the knees.

and i know you were all DYING to know what he looks like!

did i mention he called me today just to hear my voice? because he missed me.

*sigh*

oh, the fun!

yesterday, while i was in the store to buy a tent for my upcoming 30th birthday camping extravaganza, i came across a rack of things shiny and bright. HULA HOOPS! that light up! holy crap why do i not have one?!

i yanked one off the shelf and tested it out. and boy did i work up a sweat. mainly from laughing at myself. i was pretty good with a hula hoop back in the day! i grabbed a smaller one for the nephew and proceeded to hula hoop my way around the store up to the check out.

and i've been practicing ever since. this thing rocks! if i keep this up, i'll have some awesome abs in no time!

on another note, i just got off the phone with the gent. seriously, it's absolutely ridiculous the grin he leaves on my face all day. i find i can't sleep after talking to him. dudes, you are in for a sickly sweet date update after this weekend. he asked if he could hold my hand! like hel-lo sweetest question ever! it's ridiculous, i tell ya. ri-diculous!

*sigh* is it saturday yet?

type b is a-ok

last night i got to the gym only to realize i didn't pack my shoes! argh! ah well, shit happens.

this morning i made up for it with a glorious 3 mile run. actually i should say run/walk. i never wanted to do a run/walk program, deeming it only for sissies, but it worked for my marathon, so i figure it'll work now. it'll help build me back up because a run/walk is much more enjoyable than a short run filled with cursing and wheezing. the 3 miles flew by. right now i'm on a 1:1 ratio and running at a good 11:00 clip during the running portions. i'm looking to increase the running ratio while maintaining that pace. who knows, maybe this will make me the faster runner i always wanted to be! for now, i'm a happy runner.

i'm changing plans to run the rnr san jose half marathon in october, with an eye on running CIM in december. i'll see how i feel, see how hectic life is at that point and decide if i can continue on for a marathon. i'm trying to be realistic, but i can't hide the fact that i am ITCHING to run another marathon. i would like to get another one under my belt before grad school starts when i know for sure i won't have time.

sg and i talked last night and we're hatching plans for a fun filled day in sf on saturday. the boy makes me giddy people. giddy. can it really be possible that everything is finally falling into place?

i'm scared to jinx it!

girls on the run

so hm training got off to a rip roaring start yesterday. NOT. i totally missed my workout. but i have my gym bag packed and am hitting the treadmill after class tonight.

in other running news, i just started work on a pro-bono freelance project for the sf chapter of girls on the run. on their website they describe themselves thusly:

Girls on the Run of the Bay Area is a life-changing, experiential learning program for girls ages 8 to 13. The programs combine training for a 5K or 1-mile community running event with healthy living education. Our curriculum-based programs instill self-esteem and strong values through health education, life skills development, mentoring relationships, and physical training.

We offer 10-week programs during the fall and spring seasons. Volunteer coaches engage the girls in games and running-based workouts that encourage emotional, social, psychological and physical development. The girls meet twice each week after school for a total of 20 one-hour sessions.

pretty cool, huh? i am working on some marketing materials for a campaign to culminate at an event at the bridge to bridge race in the fall. dean karnazes and his daughter are apparently very involved with the group, and he sits on their board! i'm super excited about working with them. i was hesitant to become a coach, but if i can marry my two passions, design and running, towards the cause of female empowerment and fitness, then that's even better!

girls on the run has chapters all through the u.s. if you're interested in getting involved. there are a million and one ways to contribute time, energy, or resources.

i have a good feeling about this

the title says it all. first date with southern gent went very well. but i knew that it would. i knew from our phone conversations that i'd really like him in person. it's hard for me to say exactly why, i just did. there's a whole bunch more going through my head right now but i don't think it's quite synthesized to a point where it would make sense on paper. i just have a good feeling about him. sorry for the lack of juicy details folks. but if things progress the way i would like them to, then we're all in for juicy stories later.

in other news, i bought my first 2 gmat prep books today. i'm scared shitless and excited all at the same time. i had a total geek out moment at work on thursday in our marketing meeting where i felt totally smart and inspired. so b-school felt all the more appealing to me then. i'm looking at 2 programs: sac state and sf state. for both programs, i need to take a core of fundmental business classes that i never took in undergrad, crap like accounting and finance. ugh. if i go full time it will take me a year. part time most likely a year and a half. then i can take the graduate level classes and i plan to do that full time to get it done in 2 years. so my next steps are studying for gmats, finding ways to fund my education, either through working for someone with education benefits or sucking it up and taking out loans. it's enough to make my head spin, but i think it will all fall into place.

also in other news, half marathon training begins tomorrow. i'm pretty stoaked about it. it feels good to be running again. i even weighed myself after my run on friday and i'm down 2 pounds! of course 4th of july weekend ruined al that i'm sure, but i'm back on the wagon and it feels good :)

hope y'all had a great holiday weekend. it's back to work tomorrow! boooooo!

kicking ass and taking names

before i was a runner, i was a kickboxer. and i was in the best shape of my life. it's the perfect workout cardiovascularly and you can shape some nice muscles and abs all without lifting a weight. this morning i took the best kickboxing class i've taken in like 8 years. this class will totally replace any speed workout, fill your quota of plyometrics, open up your hips, and make your glutes beg for mercy.

i now have a girl crush on rhoda, the turbo kickbox instructor at 24hour fitness. i love you. and your abs. and i worship at the altar of your sidekick!

should you judge a dude by his blog?

so. southern gent and i have been talking all week. the little girl in me has just about fallen in love with him, what with his oh-so cute accent and deep, deep voice. accents are my kryptonite. part of me knows these feelings of giddiness might come crashing down once i meet him in person on sunday. but for the meantime, it's fun to get swept up. he might very well be an ogre in real life, but for the time being i'm flirting on the phone with what sounds like a very intelligent, nerdy in a sexy way, dude who calls me beautiful every other word and makes me laugh. i know, i'm such a school girl.

but i'm not entirely hopeless. i, of course, googled him. when i googled his name, all i found was a review he and his friend wrote about some hotels they stayed at in japan and his corporate giving page for the AIDS walk coming up. normal enough stuff that says his story checks out.

then i googled his match user name. and came up with 2 blogs. one he wrote in college and another he wrote about 4 years ago. is it fair to judge someone based on what they wrote in their journal back in college? even 4 years ago? how would i feel if he somehow found my blog and read it?

there wasn't anything on there to send up red flags (except his admitting to a very large pron collection EW! which i have mixed feelings about) during these times he dated a lot. which i guess is normal for most people. i had a much different experience because i went to a college with nearly all gay men and i dated only the ex after college for 5 years. but it was interesting to read him fall in and out of love. mainly his blogs were a space to just vent and write, so a lot of it was pretty emo. which i guess is to be expected of one's journal.

i thought that by googling him i'd find out whether his story checks out or not. all signs point to not a pyscho killer, so that's good. but i think knowing too much has killed the mood, so to speak. do i let him know i've been reading up on him? how much of what i read should i let cloud my judgement about him? would i want someone to judge me in the same way?

my instincts tell me to just file all that data in the back of my mind and let him present himself the way he is today. heaven knows i grew up a ton in my late 20s. no one wants to be judged by who they were when they were 21-25. which i guess is indicative of why i never got married in my 20s.

so it's with a hopeful heart, an open mind, and a watchful eye that i go into our first meet on sunday. i'll keep y'all posted. have a safe and happy fourth! it's my own personal independence day and granny's 92nd birthday party. time to celebrate some girl power, don't you think?

mum's the word

i don't want to jinx it.

gut check

so you know how yesterday i was riding high, singing "i am pretty, oh so pretty" from the rooftops? i ended all that by getting on the scale this morning after my 2 miler.

171, it said. ONE. FREAKIN'. SEVENTY. ONE. my 6 year old cousin can't even count that high!

it really honestly comes as no surprise. it's even a little down from when the nurse took my weight at my physical last month. it's such an absurdly high number that i didn't even hesitate to post it for all the world to see. it's like really? my body can actually weigh that much? i actually have that much excess crap to haul around?

this weight puts me just over the line of obese. dudes! i'm OBESE! it's so ridiculous, it's funny. except it's neither ridiculous. nor funny. it's fact. sobering. but not grave.

the good news is all signs point to good health. i'm very good on the cholesterol front, both good and bad. blood pressure, blood sugar, thyroid. all good. i have my "youth" to thank for that because lord knows my genetics are working against me.

the other good news is i've been down this road before so many times. i gain, i lose, i gain, i lose. i've been anywhere from a size 4 to a 12, most of the time settling around a size 8. and i've come to a point in my life where i'm not nearly as neurotic about my size as i used to be. i've slowly built up a wardrobe of bigger spring and summer clothes and have been able to strut around as usual.

even so, i know i should lose some poundage. obesity ain't no joke. and as i've said before my genetics predispose me to a multitude of health risks. but i refuse to get all neurotic about counting calories or counting pounds. or counting miles for that matter. after a 6 month hiatus, i think the running bug has bit again and i feel like i'm finally on track. the fact that i've run 4 out of the last 5 days is a good start. and the running has so far kept my eating in check. but i'm hoping to take a less "type a" approach to training this time. i think it's time to have some FUN with running, don't you?

of course, this could all change as my 12-year high school reunion approaches in december. (we missed out 10th. something about the reunion company we were working with going bankrupt) but for now, i'm up for a fun summer of running.

allow me to toot my own horn

it was very nice to find the following two emails this morning:

from pot, phd:

I completely understand. Thanks for the nice complements however.

That said I enjoyed getting to know you and I wish you the best of luck in your life.

I want you to know that I really appreciate you getting back to me. You are going to make an awesome girlfriend for some lucky bastard out there! ;-)

Warmest Regards,
pot, phd

and from the fed, after our brunch meet on saturday:

Hey, I just wanted to say again that I had a great time today and it very nice meeting you in person today. It was very refreshing to finally meet someone "normal". Oh and for the record, you are so not a nerd. I really dig your personality and I would definitely like to see you again. I probably should have said this in person but you looked really nice today. I'll give you a call sometime this week.

and my convo with southern gent went well today. he even called me "striking". i've never been called that before. (though he also called me exotic which is a half-strike against him because i HATE when people call me that) i don't know what it is. even though i'm pretty happy with what i see in the mirror everyday, it's still always an unexpected boost when a guy compliments your looks. especially when it doesn't feel skeevy. i guess that even at 30, i've still "got it".

and without sounding too self-deprecating, this all comes as a huge surprise to me. i thought for sure i'd get NO hits. i thought for sure there were only trolls out there. i thought for sure this whole match thing would be totally demoralizing. but lo and behold, there really are normal guys out there looking for the real thing.

granted i've only been at it a month, so there is the possibility i might just burn through every eligible bachelor in northern california. but so far this experience has been worth the money. even if i don't find love yet, i'm ok with that. i've got other things going on.

and i think this is the first time EVER since i grew boobs that i feel this happy, dare i say lucky, that i'm single. i know this all sounds so optimistic now, so don't burst my bubble. but for the first time i finally feel like i won't settle. i know how demoralizing it feels to be with the wrong person. at the time i didn't realize how much of me was "dead" because of the relationship i was in. never again am i going to let that happen.

and yet, somehow i've managed avoid the bitterness many people associate with the singlehood. this july 4th marks my 2 year anniversary of personal independence from the ex. and in that time i've experienced great sadness, utter confusion, searing anger, and most of all heartbreak. there were times i felt like i didn't even know who i was. and there were many days and months of depression. the dull ache of not knowing what the hell to do. about anything.

but with time, i muddled through. and never once was i bitter. angry maybe. but never bitter. there were worse things i could have suffered. and by the end, i concluded this: i was simply in love with the wrong person for far too long. and not everyone is like him. i've loved before. i will love again. and i will find a love so right that what i've felt in the past will feel like child's play.

a few months ago, i was visiting with family we don't see very often. they knew nothing of the huge breakup that eventually led me back to california. so questions about boyfriends and marriage flew at me left and right and i had a smart ass comment for everyone. finally i just said, "i think maybe i'm just meant to be single. and that's ok."

my aunt looked at me thoughtfully and said, "no i don't believe that." and i thought here we go again...the speech about how i'll find someone when i'm not looking or the speech about how i'm such a great girl, it's just a matter of time or the speech about you should join a club or any number of speeches married people tell single people. but instead she said this:

i believe when god created you, he created someone for you. he created your adam, from the same mold.

i could've replied with a smart ass comment like maybe my adam was meant for a steve and not an eve. but i didn't. she just said it with such conviction. such certainty. it was just another reminder that it was out of my hands. someone else was taking care of it. someone much more capable than me. and my aunt assured me that she'd be praying for me.

so maybe it's corny, but i feel like i have my very own dating guardian angel. a team of people holding constant vigil, a never ending novena praying that my life, already blessed with so much love, will one day be blessed with the love of my "adam".

-------------------------------

on a running note, i busted out a 2 miler before brunch on saturday. and another this morning. the hardest thing about getting back in the swing of things isn't so much the physical exertion but the mental aspect. of not getting bored. of keeping my brain focused. so while my legs and lungs are cooperating, i've got to get my head back in the game of endurance running. so far it's been a sweet reunion.

whew! that feels better

so i took the easy way out. i emailed them. much easier, but still got the message across. in a much nicer fashion than if i had stammered something out on the phone. and i feel better. less stress and my dating karma is still intact. as for afd, i agree with bex. for whatever reason, it looks like dude's unwilling to set up a proper date. and i'm not going to chase him.

20 something year old me would have never said such a statement. 20 something year old me probably would have ditched my homework last night to "hang out". 20 something year old me probably would have felt like i had to keep playing this game to get him to ask me out. THANK GOD i'm no longer 20 something year old me. NEXT!

i'm meeting the fed for brunch on saturday and i've been emailing a few potential dudes. again, we'll see. hope these dating updates aren't too boring. it's all so new to me again and i figure it can either make the happily marrieds who read my blog chuckle at my "adventures" or it can inspire other single gals looking for love. my goal in joining match wasn't to find my prince during my 6 month membership, but to just get out there again. to practice dating. to learn from other people. to learn about myself. so far, even in just this first month, it's been worth it.

in other news, i'm tossing around the idea of running the big sur half marathon. it's a challenging enough distance that i'll feel like a runner again. yet it isn't as time consuming as a marathon. and with preparations for graduate school looming, dating, and regular ol' life i think a half marathon is just about perfect.

this is tiring...

i've neglected to tell y'all i'm 2 weeks into summer school. i'm taking an 8 week course in statistics to fulfill a pre-req for the mba i am 90% sure i want to pursue. i'll have many other pre-reqs to fulfill before i can even start the graduate coursework since my undergrad degree had nothing to do with business, but slow and steady wins the race. right? hopefully. 2 hours of class after work, monday - thursday, is draining. fridays seriously never looked so sweet.

afd and i have been "talking" every day.. and i put it in quotes because it's more like bullshitting, shooting the shit, flirting, than real honest to goodness getting to know each other talking. that's the problem i guess when both of us are wiseasses. all this banter is all good and fun, but i'm hoping that we can proceed to more meaningful conversations. otherwise it'll get old really fast.

he called right when i got home from class, we chatted, and he said i should just come over, as he lives literally right across the highway. my first instinct was to think that was way too casual. i've fallen into the trap of when "dating" someone becomes "just hanging out" and it becomes a slippery slope of a relationship borne of convenience. or maybe i'm just old fashioned and prefer to have set plans and a set activity. but honestly, "come over at 9 pm to hang out" sounds too much like booty call to me.

maybe my brain has been fried from doing too much math. or maybe i'm right. all i really know is getting past the first date is harder than expected.

on the flipside, island boy is blowing up my phone to let me know jack johnson will be headlining a festival in sf in AUGUST... AUGUST! and should he get tickets for us? US? i found a way to get out of that but haven't quite said the words "i'm just not that into you" (diplomatically of course). i feel i owe him that and to pot, phd who has resurfaced on my phone somehow. but i just don't have the cajones to say those words out loud.

is it cowardly to just ignore people? rude? bad karma?

using all my muscles

in an attempt to work more than just my mojo, i made it to the gym for a 2 mile run and an hour of yoga. some hard ass yoga. sweet jesus. after our sun salutations series i was already spent.
mainly because we spent major time going over the plank and chaturanga part for the beginners. my arms will be sore tomorrow. heck they're sore now.

the weather is a little cooler this week but there will be no outdoor running. the air here is all soot and smoke. it's grey and thick out. it smells like all of california just had one big barbecue. and still, i see people smoking outside. losers. total losers. it's been this way since the weekend and until we get these fires under control, i'm doing my best to stay indoors. my neighborhood and where i work are safe, and should be safe unless a new one starts. but all the wind we've been having isn't helping things.

on a lighter note, i do have a funny story to share about airforce dude. when i met him on sunday, i got there early to get there first and position myself at the bar. i'd rather be the one he has to find than me have to look for him. if that makes any sense. it's a place of higher power, i think. anyway, i was foiled because he was already there.

blah blah blah. introductions. talking, talking. laughing, laughing...then we start talking about our match experiences and what we think the opposite sex is most particular about when it comes to the opposite sex. he said women were concerned about 1. balding (he has a full head of hair and i told him i actually like bald dudes) 2. education and 3. height. i was like really? height? being as short as i am, height is NEVER an issue with me. if a dude is shorter than 5'3", well....that hasn't happened. he said in his experience even the girls who are 5 foot look for dudes who are 6 foot.

then it clicked!



that sex in the city episode! where samantha meets that dude in the bar. and she doesn't know he's wearing a boy's suit until he gets up!

and lo and behold! later in the evening he got up to go to the bathroom and i noticed. he's not a midget and he's certainly taller enough than me to not be weird but it amused me to no end how sensitive he was about his height. later i went home and relooked up his profile. it says he's 5'8". let's hope he measures up. ;)

there might be something to this...

airforce dude and i finally got to talk. and finally got to meet. drinks turned into dinner and there was talk of "next time".

not saying he's my match, but it's encouraging.

no electricity

so...i met island boy for drinks last night...originally he wanted to go to dinner in sonoma then hang out there afterwards. nipped that in the bud and said, "why don't we go to happy hour somewhere close and if my back hair doesn't scare you off we can go from there?" i'm not committing a whole evening to someone i barely know. nor spending the gas money just to promptly drive home because he's an ogre in real life.

thankfully he wasn't an ogre. but he wasn't prince charming either. funny enough. nice enough, with all the opening doors and paying. had a lot of qualities i'm looking for in my dude. EXCEPT for nice teeth. and a nice face.

i've maintained that i'm going to be open-minded about looks and not totally reject someone right away if their profile pictures don't blow me away...some people just aren't photogenic. and i reason that the best boyfriend i've ever had was in high school (pathetic i know) and i wasn't attracted to him at first either. and considering my past with hot, but bad dudes, i figure maybe i should concentrate on more than just abs and a winning smile.

so after about the third beverage, i'd made up my mind that he was a great guy just not s someone i'd ever want to cuddle with... in fact the idea of him touching me creeped me out because he had weird hands. something odd about his fingernails. plus he smelled like a guy i used to be friends with until he decided he had feelings for me and got all weird.

and really he wasn't an ogre. he was clean and groomed and even got a haircut that day. i'm maybe just picky? weird? over concerned? with things like how people's hands and teeth look and how they smell. he didn't smell bad. but his pheremones just weren't jiving with mine.

even so, we went to play pool after drinks since i learned that the power was out at home. playing pool with a funny guy beat sweltering at home in the dark.

so at the end of the evening he dropped me off at my car and invited me in. . uh, awkward. luckily i had the excuse of taking the monchichi to 6 flags today. and the monchichi? he's my favorite boy EVER!

the bright side is i had a convo with the fed thursday night. and he had a very seksy voice. airforce dude and i keep exchanging vmails. we'll see what happens.

on the other hand, i've received the following emails from two very attractive men. too bad they're creepy and can't write for shite:

No good tips as if I did I would not need this site. lol Thats funny about the ice cream. So did you also eat an ice cream, and did you have some great seafood in Boston or what. Well I have been in California for a little longer then 3 years and I love it. Love the weather and also love that you can see so mnay beautiful places. Well some of my favorite places are Napa Valley. I love wine tasting. Don't worry I won't get you buzzed and try and take advantage of you. lolol j/k I love going into the city to try different restaurants. Love Tahoe as it is awesome and just so beautiful. I love playing softball, cooking, reading, also love taking scenic drives. Love Carmel and the ride along the coast.

And say thanks to your mom (this is in reference to me thanking him for saying i'm attractive. i said, really i have my mom thank for that or something like that)

my problem with this and his previous email is the excessive use of lol and j/k. huge pet peeve of mine. we're not texting. the second problem is his lame joke about getting my buzzed. gross. even if it is a joke. i can think of better jokes to make.

the second email requires no explanation:
Hi!, Im a white guy from sac town lookin for a good w00man who can handle her business!! You look like alot of fun. Text me @ 955-1793, Ill rock your world!! C-YA!

seriously. this came from a 30 year old man. OY!

so....luckily, i still have the monchichi.

what a weekend!

dudes! i am exhausted. stuffed to the gills. and hoarse from this weekend. and i have over 400 pictures to go through. stay tuned for a full recap. i need a weekend to recover from my weekend. but in the meantime, check out this perfect moment:



the monchichi has become fascinated with his own face. staring at his reflection. hamming it up for the camera then demanding to see the footage right away. i had the camera aimed at us on continuous mode and he surprised me by pulling my face in and planting a big, slopping, wet one on me. melted my heart instantly. he's such an affectionate boy. i FEAR for any girl who tries to date him in the future. they're gonna have one overprotective aunt to tackle if they think they can share his kisses.

come as you are

so, i met my first real live match dude. (and no it wasn't playa playa that i wrote about earlier)

this dude, D, just finished a phd program at uc davis in something like materials science and engineering. he gardens and cooks, has traveled all over and shares my affection for stewie griffen, beer, and crass humor. he has a great relationship with his family and holds similar religious beliefs to mine.

we met for coffee/drinks at a place in davis. it was a great night for sitting outside and talking. the conversation flowed well. he even brought flowers. (cheesy, but nice) all in all a great night.

but. in our talking about vacations and such it came out that he enjoys the mary jane every once in awhile. i asked him just how often he smokes and he said about once every other week. and while i really have no problem if people want to smoke, it's just not my thing. i appreciated his honesty and kinda stammered my way through how i felt about it. slightly unsure about whether this would be a deal breaker.

but it was cool. it wasn't like i left right then and there. and it wasn't like things got awkward. we talked some more and i told him he could call me again. on the ride home i began to think that his habit is a deal breaker. there's a reason i've never done any drugs, even if i do think marijuana really isn't that much worse than alcohol. it's fine for other people to do. but not me. and not my potential "match".

so i plan on telling him when he calls. maybe we can be friends. maybe it doesn't really matter what happens after. but this whole dating at 30 thing? where i'm much more sure of myself, of what i want and what i don't, and having the confidence to assert it? it feels great.

it feels great that even though i'm not at my "goal weight" i can proudly post my profile pictures. it feels great that i don't have to apologize or explain any bad decisions i've made. it feels great that i don't have to feel bad that at 30 i'm not yet married. i had to endure a lot of shit relationships (one in particular) but i think finally it's paying off.

and the summer begins!

this weekend i:

gobbled up some tasty cioppino.
stole kisses from the monchichi.
soaked up some sun at the vallejo marina.
found the ever elusive matcha green tea.
scored some new chaccos.
promptly broke them in by hiking lynch canyon.
sipped on chardonnay while perusing local art.
won a raffle prize gift basket. (4 club level baseball tickets, parking included, mary's pizza shack gc, starbucks coffee, and cranium!)
quenched my thirst with the first hefeweisen of the season.

dudes. this summer is gonna rock.

playa hater

so last night, i chatted on the phone with my first match dud, i mean dude.

the conversing itself went well. lots of laughing etc. he was a funny dude. and if we were co-workers or something we would totally get along. but as a "match"? not so much.

the highlights, i mean lowlights:

1. we somehow got on the topic of past relationships (he brought it up somehow) and he told me about his first love. a long distance relationship while he was in the navy. and how he was a bad bad boyfriend. and saw other girls during their relationship. boo!
   
2. talking about his latest relationship. it was a 6 month affair with a married woman. double boo!
   
3. other women he's dated have gone on to get married to the next guy after dating him. that's 'cause you're not marrying material dude!
   
4. i mentioned my trip to vegas for girls weekend and we got into a convo about how he likes to gamble. while gambling as a diversion isn't necessarily a deal breaker for me, the way he talked about it made me uncomfortable.
5. he's been laid off for a month. this i was more forgiving of.
   
6. he spoke about how much he could drink because he was latino. i mean really, i can throw down, but that's not what i'm gonna talk about the first time i talk to someone. and honestly, i don't throw down nearly as much as i used to. while i don't want a puritan, i don't want someone who still brags about how much they can drink.

NEXT!

shake, rattle, and roll

the rumbling? the shaking? what wasn't sound of me falling off the couch. that was a real bonafide earthquake! the second one i've felt since moving back to california a year and a half ago!

it only registered a 3.9, but the fault lies a mere 10 miles from my house.. the tremor was long enough that i stopped to consider taking cover, but strong enough for me to be too scared to get off the bed.

i'm ok, my family's ok, our stuff's ok. but man oh man! welcome back to california!