i know i've proclaimed my everlasting love for sg from the hilltops and on this blog, so it feels awkward to admit that i've been having doubts. it's a diffuclt thing to write about because on the one hand i do know with great certainty that i do love him. that i was born to love him. on the other hand, there are days i wonder whether we are even compatible. and while i know it's perfectly normal (and maybe healthy) to be in love one day and want to wring each others neck the next, i still wonder whether these doubts mean something more.
i do know that these doubts feel different from red flags. i've felt those before and ignored them. this feels different.
in so many ways, sg is more than i ever wanted in a man. honest. trustworthy. family oriented. funny. romantic. gentlemanly. articulate. loyal. loving. generous.
but in other ways, i just don't know. we have absolutely NO common interests. he's a quiet sci-fi, fantasy, history geeky only child from the deep south. i'm a gregarious, wanna-be athlete from the big city cracked out on pop-culture and design. i'd always hoped my spouse would be my #1 activity buddy. as it turns out, he doesn't ever want to run with me. (though he has said he hopes to be my #1 race supporter) he's into hiking, but i had to walk him through what "dri-fit" and "wicking" meant when we had to outfit him in gear.
and don't even get me started on food. culinarily, he hasn't stepped foot off american soil and is a veggie-phobe. his idea of cooking is making hamburger helper or pasta, and he doesn't even know what al dente means!
i'm an eternal optimist, he's a pessimist (or as he likes to say "realist"). often we're on the same page about an issue or subject, but it's not until we reach the end of a very tiring discussion that we realize we've come to the same place but via different routes..
he likes to think he's modern, but to me he's very traditional. when i had voiced that i wasn't changing my name when we got married and instead would add his name to mine, he said "i've never heard of anyone doing that before". WTF?
which leads to one of my greatest frustrations with him. he just seems less life-experienced than me. he only learned to do his laundry when he moved out of his parents' house to san francisco 2 years ago! he's told me he's spent a lot of time indoors, wrapped up in video games, saving his pennies for the woman of his dreams to share life's adventures with. meanwhile, i was off having those adventures. and i hate to admit that some of the things he gets excited about doing or thinks are new and exciting, are old hack for me. granted i've never done them with him, but there are a million and one other things on my life to do list that i'd like to get done. and sometimes it feels like i'm having to teach him which frustrates me. it shouldn't but it does.
which leads me to my next point. i'm not used to having to share my life. even though i was in a relationship for the majority of my 20s, dude wasn't around a lot. and my family was on the other side of the country. so i grew to be very independent. i'm resourceful. i don't need anyone to take care of me. and i've never had any other agenda than my own and have built my life around achieving my goals. this means i can be very ambitious, stubborn, and bossy, which i know grates on his southern genteel sensibilities, which i sometimes feel is pretention and undue snobbery. one of the hardest things i'm dealing with is the fact that presently, he makes more money than i do and foots the bill more often than not. i've never been in this position and i HATE not being an equal in this regard. i don't like feeling like i'm not contributing enough and i don't like feeling that he has the power because he has the money.
i think the biggest obstacle isn't our differences in food or background, but in my learning how to give up some of my independence to make me a we. giving up feeling like i'm right about how everything should be done (even though more often than not i am), giving up what i want to do all the time (which is hard!), giving up my free time to spend with him, changing my idea of the future because it now includes another person's goals and needs. for someone who yearned for a mate, i'm having a hard time adjusting to it in real life. i've just gone for so long on my own, had resolved that i would be alone, i had programmed myself to be tough and uncompromising. isn't that the single, independent woman anthem?
so how the heck can i feel like i've remained true to myself yet be in a successful, nurturing, happy relationship?
8 comments:
I can't claim to have the answers to any of your questions, but I know and empathize with so many of the things you are feeling.
All I can say is, yes, relationships will always involve compromises and finding a common ground when there are 2 different people, coming from 2 different sides. It will never be perfect, no matter who you're with, it will always take work.
I think maybe looking at it from another angle might help...is this the person you are willing and wanting to do that work for? And who knows, maybe you'll grow some new, common interests in your relationship, or find that maybe you do like some staying-in days full of video games.
My only piece of advice is don't lose who you are. There is a big difference between revolving your live around someone and someone being the most important person in your life.
I could fill volumes with advice and opinions, as I could have written this very post about some of the relationships I've been in. Namely the one with my ex-husband. If he wasn't remarried already, I'd be concered you had somehow stumbled upon him. :)
Instead I just want to say that I've decided you and I are long lost twins separated at birth or something equally freakish. I always identify with your posts as if I could have written them myself.
Hang in there and just take it one day at a time. Things always seem to have a way of working themselves out.
These sound like ligit concerns. And for the most part they are okay to have. Have you discussed any of these concerns with him?
I understand what you are feeling though. It's hard. Especially when you have become so independent in your life!
Keep us posted. *smile*
I think your doubts are normal. Personally, I wouldn't want to be married to a clone. There are plenty of things I learn from my husband that I wouldn't if we just reinforced each other's questionable behavior and opinions since there'd be no one to tell us differently. But everyone's different and to some having enough common interests is very important.
Maybe you're sensing a new stage in the relationship where the momentum has either stopped or accelerated and the pace puts you out of your comfort zone.
I don't know if he's your "forever after" or not, but I can tell you that sometimes, having those differences are great! Michael and I were different in a lot of ways when we first met and it makes me smile just thinking about it. Because now, we've helped each grow into different people. We didn't "change" for each other, we just grew into better people b/c of the other. I tried all the things he wanted me to and he did the same. Come to find out, there's a lot of things we have in common and definitely some major things that we don't. But, it's what makes us who we are and we're okay with that. We work BECAUSE we're different from each other.
Instead of disliking that he is a certain way, I appreciate that I don't have to be that way b/c he is. You know?
For example, he is ALWAYS nice. He never says a mean word or cusses or gets pissed if the store clerk is a total jackass. Me, I'm the opposite, I will be downright rude to people if I'm impatient. Is either way correct? No. Does his way totally bug me sometimes? Absolutely, but I love that I've never seen him hurt anyone's feelings.
Don't ignore red flags but don't dig too deep into little things either.
Good luck and let us know how things progress!!
I won't try to offer some sort of advice (mainly because I have none), so I will instead simply say...
Thank you.
Thank you for being honest in your blog. I have had these same doubts and it so nice to acutally hear someone voice their fears and frustrations instead of tucking them away.
I <3 you, girl!
No one person will be your everything. Not even the guy you marry. So what if you have divergent interests? Does he meet your important standards (different from your ideals)? By standards, I mean the characteristics that you won't do without -- honesty, for example. Or integrity. Whatever they are, if he has them and is the best guy you've ever know, then the fact that he'd rather stand on the sidelines and cheer you on during a race than run that race with you is nothing to worry about.
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