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the next chapter

so i'm blogging here now: www.ontheroadoflife.com. there are only a few new posts up and i'm still tweaking the template, but it's functional and not embarrassingly hideous.

eventually, i want to export this blog and save it. it has chronicled a huge chapter of my life and i want a record of it to exist, but not have it exposed to the world, if you know what i mean. i may spend the time it takes to weed out the private stuff and keep the public stuff online so that a form of this blog still exists in the blogosphere. but i might not. ya know, shit happens.

but i will say that the people i have "met" through this blog have been outstanding and truly mean a lot to me. some have found me on facebook, and i'd be happy to fill any requests for readers to find me on facebook. some of the people i've "met" no longer blog and i'd love a way to still follow your adventures. and to those who still blog, i'm delinquent, what can i say? trust me i still read your blogs from time to time, i just don't have a lot to comment about when it comes to running.

as for my new blog, there's no main focus on any particular topic like this one had. perhaps the term one could use would be "lifestyle" blog. if you desire to read about a nerdy newly married 30-something juggling all the responsibilities that come with being a wife, a daughter, a citizen and graphic designer, all while living creatively, frugally, and hopefully awesomely - then you are welcome to join the ride. there will be less booze involved this time around i am sure, but still the same amount of adventure :)

eff, comcast!

i am looking for input from peeps who don't have cable. what kind of internet do you use? how much does it cost? what services do you subscribe to to get the entertainment you do watch?

 please, help me stick it to the man

4 things

BOO!

• i find it annoying that i have to commute the 40 miles to work to be the only one in the office. 
• got no walking in today - unless you count the tour through safeway on my lunch break to pick up food for the week.

YAY!

thankful i can squeak by in a pair of comfy, sparkly(!) chueks at work!

exercising portion control at 3 pm

•  my hubby called to tell me he loves me, misses me, and wishes he were with me!
• no traffic thanks to MLK holiday!
• got everything on my to-do list done at work!
• french manicure from saturday still looks awesome!

HMMM...

• Caught Mally cosmetics on QVC tonight. Looks really cool. Anyone try any of her stuff?

Parting Thought

privacy is not the same as secrecy

patrick and i were having a lovely date night on friday - tapas, cocktails, gelato. then he asked to know more about something in my past that i had mentioned to him while we were dating. i firmly said that i did not want to go into detail and that it was a very sensitive and private matter that did not affect our relationship so let it go. he pressed on. and i held steadfast. he said that i was keeping a secret which was akin to lying.

whoa, whoa, whoa...hold up.

in my mind, not the same thing.

i believe, more than he, that a person has a right to keep private whatever matters they deem appropriate, no matter if you're married or not. i think it's a basic human right. privacy is not the same as secrecy - this information truly does not affect him, it's more a matter of curiosity to him.

on a practical note, i still do not share any of my passwords with my husband. the man has access to every dime i have, yet i don't see why he would ever need to access my email or any other account of just mine, so i don't divulge my passwords. i'm not hiding anything, i just don't like the idea of someone, even my husband (especially my husband?) rifling through my shit.

on another note, he keeps asking if we can share a single facebook account, since he doesn't really want to maintain his. again, my answer was no. 90% of the people on my facebook are solely my friends. if my friends want to share something with me, it doesn't mean i want my husband in on it, regardless of whether i would just share it with him later or not. furthermore, i am my own person and want to feel free to express myself on there as freely as possible as ME.

ultimately it comes down to my belief that everyone has a right to keep a "diary" and have that "diary" be private regardless of whether you're married or work as a spy for the government. and whatever aspects of your life that you want to keep in your "diary" is up to you and it's on your moral code to differentiate between "hiding" something or "keeping" something. does that make sense?

we're past the date most people have given up on their new years resolutions

i've made some pretty ambitious (and unrealistic) resolutions on this blog in the past. mainly dealing with fitness and weight loss. but i'm so over that now. in my earlier 30s i felt the need to keep up with my 20-something self. but now i have neither the time nor vanity to keep up a 2 hour-a-day in the gym regimen. the fact of the matter is my job is more demanding, my marriage is more important, and i have far more family obligations than i did as a hot single chick. and i'm way cool with that.

i'm not cool with how i've "let myself go" physically but i think i can 'stand' being a size 8 instead of a size 4. what i am most not cool with is my lack of energy and overall happiness. so that my friends is what we're working on this year.

it's obvious i need to be more active. does that mean i have to train for a marathon this year? no. as much as i'd like to, it just doesn't fit in with my lifestyle right now. i get up at 5am and get home from work at 6pm. i'm sorry but i ain't spending the 4 hours i have in the evening training for no stinkin' marathon. but what i can do, and what i have done, is get off at a further bus stop from work and walk an extra mile. i don't have time to get dressed to work out, workout, then shower and change. if i walk to work, at lunch, and after work i can log a little over 6 miles a day. i may not drop down to a size 4 overnight on this plan, but it's a step in the right direction towards overall better health. as gretchen rubin says, "exercise for sanity not vanity"

once upon a time i gave up carbs. i honestly can't believe i cared that much about being skinny to give up carbs. when i lived on my own it was actually kind of easy. but living with my mom and living with a man makes it very hard to keep delicious tempting food out of reach and out of mind. if you've ever been to a filipino family party you'll understand why i can't keep the carbs and delicious treats at bay. it's futile to resist. but i can moderate. my only "diet" rule this year is to stop eating before i get so stuffed i feel sick. moderation may be boring but it sure beats the stress of a restrictive diet.

be patient. be loving. especially to myself. one of my biggest regrets is how snappy and downright bitchy i could be to my dad if/when i felt like he was annoying me. especially since he was also so happy and loving to me. even when i was a bitchy annoying brat. he never got mad or raised his voice to us. and he spoiled all of us rotten with compliments and love. my dad was the type of guy who would give you the shirt off his back, even if he was cold. i can't even count how many times people have told me how much they will miss his smile and his jokes. i am certain that life wasn't always easy, but he never took it out on us.

it is very important to me to curb my impatience and bitchiness with the people i love. there's just no need for it. for the most part all the little things i get annoyed about are so not worth it. two small examples:

i am the kind of beeyotch who gets annoyed when my husband wants to come over to me and hug and kiss on me to tell me he loves me, if i'm in the middle of something. now if i'm really in the middle of something, i take a second and ask if nicely if we can canoodle later. if what i'm doing isn't really that important, like laundry or cooking or whatever, i bask in the glow of a wonderful affectionate husband. so now i only swat him away 10% of the time instead of 80% of the time. he loves it and he feels more loved.

i am also more aware to not nag him. if i want something done, and i can honestly truly get it done myself, i'll do it. if i need his help, i ask for it. and he is much more receptive to me asking for help than he is to me barking orders. i'm honestly not asking much more from him than i was before, it just makes things go smoother and happier when i frame it this way. and i heap lots of praise for even little things, because that's what he does for me.

another example, i get annoyed when my mom asks the same question over and over again. or if she needs help with things that i think she should know how to do. normally, i'd huff and puff and help her begrudgingly. but now i make sure she knows it's not annoying for her to ask questions and I take the time to show her how to do it herself, even if i have to show her multiple times. it doesn't take much more time to do it the nice way than it did the bitchy way, but it is much more pleasant for my mom and myself when i'm nice about it.

not treating the people i love like inconveniences to my busy and oh-so important life feels nice. and it honestly helps me to be more patient with myself. practicing patience on others helps me practice patience with myself when i think i'm not working fast enough or doing things right. it has cut out a lot of unnecessary frustration and guilt. which leaves me room for peace and happiness.

i do have more concrete goals in mind for this year, but thinking about them overwhelms me. for now, all i can handle is making sure we're spending far less than we make, putting in my best effort at work, building a strong and happy marriage, enjoying time with my family, and taking care of my mind and body to the best of my abilities.

2011: recapping the hardest year of my life

2011 was such a hard year. the first half was great: we had our dream wedding and patrick got a new jobby job. my dad's passing in june started the single greatest tragedy of my and my family's life. It was sudden, swift, and heartbreaking. literally, my heart just doesn't feel the same. i've debated on whether going into it in any detail, here specifically, would be of any help to me. and i'm still not sure. 6 months since his death, i've definitely gained some perspective and if i feel like sharing i will. if i don't, i won't.

bad feelings aside, my family is much stronger. our grief has brought us much closer together and i see marked differences in how we treat each other and what we're willing to do for each other. my dad would be very, very proud.

patrick volunteered me to live with my mom until we feel she's ready. because his new job is 70 miles from my mom's house, he stays with my aunt and uncle during the week to avoid a hellish commute and spends the weekend with me and my mom at her house. i am extremely grateful that i have a husband who is willing to make that sacrifice so that i can take care of my mom. i am extremely lucky that i have extended family who is also willing to house my husband, free of charge even.

while this arrangement has allowed us to save a ton of money, we have paid in many ways. the stress of being apart, the stress of not having our own home, the worry and responsibility i have over my mom mixed in with my grief has worn me and my husband down. our first year of marriage has not been easy or pleasant. things really came to a head in october and that's when i decided i needed help.

proper medication has drastically helped my mood and disposition. i also had a revelation in december. the funeral home we used to take care of my dad's funeral held a memorial service for all the families who lost a loved one in 2011. we sent in a photo for a slideshow they presented that night. during the presentation, we saw old people and young...babies who lived only a few days, soldiers, teenagers, grandmas, grandpas. the whole room was crying, including my family, but i felt better. i was very much comforted by being in a room of people who know exactly how i felt. and i felt especially lucky that i wasn't grieving the loss of a baby or more than one family member, like some people were. we lit candles, sang carols, and heard a comforting sermon from their pastor. that night, i felt more blessed than i had in a very long time.

another event in december boosted my mood. a close co-worker of mine has been having a very hard time lately, and she revealed to me how strapped for cash she was, among other things. my heart went out to her as i've seen her struggle with a multitude of different things the last year. i immediately knew that i wanted to help. i made a quick call to patrick to ask how he felt and when he gave me the green light, i felt happier than i had in a long time. though it wasn't much, we were able to give her $200 to buy presents for her grandkids. at first she refused, but we insisted. it wasn't a loan it was a gift. it was the exact kind of 'good deed' that my dad would do. and THAT is what brought me happiness. that gift was in honor of him.

it's funny how small acts of kindness spark other positive acts: later that day she received a large check from a client who had been very late in paying. and about a week later, she got a very attractive offer for a steady contract job.

another note about that $200: i have never felt so rich in my life as i did that day. having the ability to give someone $200 knowing i didn't need it to pay bills felt better than receiving a check for 10 times that amount. we are by no means rockefellers, but i've never been in a position to just give money away to people without sacrificing my own financial situation.

and that's another key note about 2011: we paid off all of my debt! we paid for our wedding in cash and paid off every single stinkin' cent i owed before we got married. very generous wedding gifts have allowed us to put away a good enough down payment on a house so we can qualify for a conventional mortgage, and no housing costs for the last 6 months have allowed us to save a healthy emergency fund. and i am beyond thrilled. you don't even understand how amazing it is to say every day, "we're debt free!" again, it is something i wish i could have told my dad because he would have been so proud. in my mind, i can see his smile. he'd chuckle happily and say 'hey! hey! right on!'

i owe a huge thank you to my husband, who not only came into our relationship with no debt, but was able to pay for my engagement ring in cash. and despite being unemployed for quite a while had enough in savings for us to buy all of our essential house and kitchen items when we got our first place together in 2010, and float us along for a good long while. and when that and unemployment had depleted, his parents were generous enough to help us with rent. once he was gainfully employed we cranked through the rest of my debt like crazy and were even able to take a few fun trips.

all in all, i feel like i am on the other side of grief. i still miss my dad every single day. i still cry, even wail. though things feel better and i know life is good, it will never ever be the same. but i resolve wholeheartedly to live a happy, full life starting with 2012...

i know things will get better, but they will never be the same.

December 13, 1944 - June 10, 2011

hallelujah!

my husband got a for-realsy full-time job!

his dream job, even!

2011 is our year, yo!

the party is on!

Simply Ours Save The Date

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186.0

That's the damage after 2 weeks of eating with reckless abandon. Though honestly the first few days of vacation I was being somewhat careful. I did have a wedding dress to fit into after all. But once that was over,it was ALL over. I'm slightly embarrassed at my feeding frenzy tendencies but there's nothing I can do about it now but move forward. I had the best vacation of my life and I certainly don't regret that.

I will move forward cognizant that it is a very slippery slope once start to loosen my already liberal reins of "healthy" eating.

And so it begins again.

Today I will be controlled and conscious in my eating.
Today I will get at least 30 mins of exercise, despite this depressing rain.
Today I will finally fully unpack.

mspetite becomes a mrs.

Proof you don't have to be at goal weight to have the best day of your life :)

no proof

i did it! i broke the 180 lb. barrier before my trip! just barely though at 179.8. i wanted to record this occasion with a photograph, but when i stepped back on the scale with my camera...i was back over 180! LOL! guess you'll just have to take my word for it.

i don't know how they do it

i am the kind of person who can't drink a cup of coffee because the caffeine makes my heart flutter like crazy. so i don't know how in the world people can stand taking speed or diet pills.

i took a claritin-d today and holy mary mother of god i feel crazy. i can't stop drinking water and i have absolutely no appetite. you'd think it'd be a good thing, but my body feels so far from normal it's creepy.

motivation

getting dressed for work in the morning has been such a pain in the ass the past year. my weight slowly but surely crept up and i was down to 1 pair of black slacks, 1 pair of grey slacks with one pant leg longer than the other (one of the hems fell), and 1 pair of long taupe slacks that i've been hemming with tape. a few months ago, the friction of my thighs had worn a hole in the only pair of jeans i fit into. so i bought a bigger pair (sigh). i've supplemented this atrocious line up with leggings (!!!) worn with tunics and such.

needless to say, i've been a hot mess.

but i've noticed in the last few weeks that my pants have been getting too big. and not just the ones that i bought a little bit big to begin with. every current pair of slacks that i've worn to get me through the year is too big.

huzzah!

i unearthed a couple pairs of smaller pants, but for the most part they all need hemming too. i never wanted to invest in professionally hemming a pair of pants in a size i didn't want to be in for very long. hence the ghetto tape.

but lately, i've been dressing up my leggings 'cause they're the only things that fit. and today they fit even better. no muffin top! i could wear them with a silky top that skimmed my redefined curves and whoa! stopped patrick in his tracks. he gushed and leered and blathered helplessly.

felt. frickin'. awesome.

though it was a little ridiculous because when i met him i was 15 pounds lighter than i am now. i guess it's just been awhile since i've felt any confidence in my body.

i felt really powerful.

i've lost 13.5 in the last 6 weeks. and i am strongly resisting the urge to not feel happy until i lose it all. so yes, i am still obese, but i'm still workin' it! :)

relativity

i've never been so happy to weigh 180.0 pounds.

naked weigh-in: week 6

2/21: 185.0
2/22: 185.4
2/23: 183.5
2/24: 183.5
2/25: 183.5
2/26: 183.5
2/27: 183.5
2/28: 183.2

net week: -1.8
net total: -10.3
ave week: 183.8

praise jebus, the bloat is over.

so far, monday and tuesday have been great with eating. i made my meals for the week on sunday night, so i'm pretty set. i got a 3 mile walk in on both days. i wish i had gotten more, though. as much as i sometimes hate all the time i spend on the bus commuting, it does force me to get in an additional 3.5 miles of walking in everyday. but this week i'm driving to work so i can spend more time in the office or at home preparing for our trip next week. all in all, this arrangement keeps stress levels down which i think is most important :)

my weight today is actually down to 181.6, so maybe, just maybe, i can squeak in under 180 by sunday. at this point it's totally trivial, and i have bigger things to worry about, but i can't say the thought still doesn't cross my mind.

2 loaves of bread

i heard somewhere that a loaf of bread represents the volume of weight you lose when you lose 5 pounds. double this and you get what i've lost in 5 weeks.

i imagine tacking on these slices of bread all over my body. that's what i used to look like? pretty interesting visual, no?

this week, i played things differently. i upped my calories to 1780 daily. at first i had a problem eating so much, but my pms cravings took care of that by the middle of the week. upping my calories kept me sane and i've been able to at least maintain at a steady 183. i'm definitely considering that a victory. my exercise has decreased this week by virtue of the rain and my overall crappy sluggishness. but things should turn around this weekend in terms of weather and mood. the forecast says we'll have sun until tuesday so i have to make the most of the next four days.

i need to eat much more cleanly next week. this week i let myself eat more in the way of processed food and i can feel the difference, specifically in that my body craves it more once i've eaten it. i don't want to go down that slippery slope again. i'd started to tire of my routine of healthy food which is another reason for "letting myself go", so my goal this weekend is to try a couple of new recipes to get me through this week before the weddingmoon. but all in all, i'm pretty pleased that i was still able to eat more "cheat" foods but not go totally overboard.

my goal for april is to "do" a 5k. at this point i'm practically walking a full 5k at lunch and another by the time you add up my walking to the bus time in the morning and evening. so by "do" a 5k i mean finish in under 50 minutes which would require some running in there at some point.

another goal i have for after the wedding is to add yoga. like at a real studio. for now i think we might only be able to afford for me to go once a week, but that's better than nothing. if i'm smart i'll supplement it with another day at home with a DVD, but you know me and doing workouts on DVD. yeah, they never get done.

looking even further out, i do want to start running more. i definitely feel "the clock" ticking and i'd like to run another marathon before i get pregnant. but i also don't want to get all stressed about it. and i'd like to shed more weight to make it easier on my body. this creates a nice, naturally slow progression back into running. instead of my past efforts which usually include me being too eager for my own good. even at this pace, i still think it's safe to say that a half marathon could be in the cards for this year.

11 days

til we leave for st. lucia. the scale is back to normal. and my dress fits like a dream...

not much else on the blogging front. eating is well. i've doubled my walking mileage by getting off at a bus stop further away from my office.

i've bought some cute new dress and summery clothes for the caribbean, even a new bikini. i'm definitely not a hot bod in it yet, but i don't care. we spent too much money to go to too beautiful of a place for me to care. the beach will feel awesome either way! and my soon-to-be hubby thinks i look hot either way.

yay! yay! yay!

naked weigh in: week 5: WTF?

2/14: 184.6
2/15: 185.0
2/16: 185.6
2/17: 184.0
2/18: 183.6
2/19: 182.4
2/20: 182.8
2/21: 185.0
(bonus) 2/22: 185.4)

net week: +.4
net total: -8.5
ave week: 184.1

how the hell did i GAIN 3 pounds in 3 days, or 2 practically overnight!? i'm so very confused.