1/24: 188.4
1/25: 188.2
1/26: 187.2
1/27: 188.0
1/28: 187.2
1/29: 186.2
1/30: 187.4
1/31: 188.4
i'm hoping it's water retention. 'cause it's a mean, mean trick for me to lose 2 pounds then gain it back in 2 days. a mean, mean trick, indeed.
though at the end of the day i guess i should be glad i didn't gain?
-------------
in other news, pattycakes and i each got a pair of skechers shape-up shoes. i took them for a spin last night and today at lunch. i definitely feel something, though nothing dramatic. i do find that the more i think i about the heel to toe motion the more i feel my muscles engage, but it's kind of hard to be that focused on something as simple as walking. especially on my lunch hour when i kind of want to tune out. and when i wear them to and from the bus i'm more concentrating on speed so i don't miss it! either way, i can't see what harm they'll do. (famous last words)
today i felt generally tired. actually, more like i really didn't feel like being at work. not that i wanted to sleep or anything, i just would have much rather been at home in comfy pants and a sweatshirt doing work than at the office. there are days that i feel like maintaning a 'professional appearance' makes it distracting to work. especially when i'm not having meetings or anything like that. if my day is heavy on sketching or brainstorming or drawing up initial ideas, i would much rather just shut out the world and be in a sweatshirt and trackpants churning out work. kind of in the way i'd rather be wearing comfy clothes to do physical work.
i'm hoping the lethargy doesn't last all week. food wise, i have to be on my toes - i want a loss this week and i have two days where my schedule is gonna be out of whack. i've skipped frozen meals this week and am trying different things i got a trader joes. one being their curry chicken breast tenders. i got a 1.5lb bag and have already made a batch with some lentils. but here's the thing. ever since i started limiting my calories, i've been eating much less. this 1.5lb of chicken would probably normally be 2-3 servings? but now it's more like 6! so i have to either freeze half of it or eat curry chicken almost all day long for a few days! and i didn't realize the bag of lentils i bought needed to be eaten within 2 days! 5 servings of lentils over 2 days. oof! and if you're asking why i don't share this stuff with pattycakes, it's because he wouldn't eat this stuff if it was the last stuff on earth. it would definitely make life a lot easier if we ate the same things!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
two new purchases
1. skechers shape-ups yes i know they're totally dorky but they were bogo half off and...yeah i got nothing. i'm looking for any extra advantage here.
2. my formerly hot life: dispatches from just the other side of young by stephanie dolgoff. FINALLY! there's a word to describe what i've been feeling since i hit my 30s!
i'm keeping it quiet on all other fronts, lest i go off on some hormonal rant or emotional meltdown. i'm just keeping it real folks. i'm expecting the worst tomorrow for my naked weigh-in. bah!
2. my formerly hot life: dispatches from just the other side of young by stephanie dolgoff. FINALLY! there's a word to describe what i've been feeling since i hit my 30s!
i'm keeping it quiet on all other fronts, lest i go off on some hormonal rant or emotional meltdown. i'm just keeping it real folks. i'm expecting the worst tomorrow for my naked weigh-in. bah!
Friday, January 28, 2011
because blogging makes me feel better
today started normally and then bam! got hit with yet another last minute emergency project due in just a few hours. not the way i like to start my day, much less a friday. it totally threw me for a loop and left me grumbling under my breath. and it set the tone for most of the morning.
by my afternoon walk i was kinda over it and just generally tired and ready to go home. for a good part of the afternoon i just wanted to wolf down a bag of kettle chips and go to bed. i started a post about a topic at some point today and now i feel very different about it. and in a good way i think. so it appears that even not publishing a blog post is helpful. so no need for that bag of kettle chips.
i've decided not to feel bad about feeling tired, since i know most of it is hormonal. i've been good to myself food wise and sleep wise this week, so i think i deserve a break :)
by my afternoon walk i was kinda over it and just generally tired and ready to go home. for a good part of the afternoon i just wanted to wolf down a bag of kettle chips and go to bed. i started a post about a topic at some point today and now i feel very different about it. and in a good way i think. so it appears that even not publishing a blog post is helpful. so no need for that bag of kettle chips.
i've decided not to feel bad about feeling tired, since i know most of it is hormonal. i've been good to myself food wise and sleep wise this week, so i think i deserve a break :)
Thursday, January 27, 2011
thursday and more awesomeness
for most of the morning i had a headache. and no advil. doh! and for whatever reason i thought eating would help it. and it kinda did. thankfully i had the healthy, filling stuff around so i was in no danger of going above my calories. and i did get in a short walk, 2.5 miles at lunch. on the scale of awesome it was only so-so, but i'll take it. especially considering the time of the month.
switching gears...
this year i made a non-public resolution to increase my income somehow. by how much or what percentage i wasn't quite sure. i didn't want to spend 2011 stressed about jobs and money like i did for so much of 2010, so i thought i would at least table serious thought about it until after the wedding. well it turns out certain things have naturally worked out in my favor. at the beginning of this month i had my review at work where i got words like "exemplary" and "beyond our expectation" and "we couldn't do the work we do without you" thrown at me. it felt really good! as did the raise they gave me! i was a little disappointed to hear it was prorated because i had only been there for 6 months (and not a full year) but still, i'll take it.
earlier this month i discovered a mass transit option for my 40 miles each way commute to work. it's a bus that leaves less than 2 miles from my apartment, makes only 3 stops, and drops me off only half a mile from my office. and it's saving me $150 a month! (not counting the money i'll save in oil changes and wear and tear on my 8-year old volkswagen). also when you add in the federal tax benefit for commuting via mass transit, that's another boost! not to mention helping to alleviate the stress of driving in traffic every day. THAT benefit is immeasurable.
so i was able to see a very reasonable increase in my income for basically doing nothing, except be an awesome employee :) woot woot!
switching gears...
this year i made a non-public resolution to increase my income somehow. by how much or what percentage i wasn't quite sure. i didn't want to spend 2011 stressed about jobs and money like i did for so much of 2010, so i thought i would at least table serious thought about it until after the wedding. well it turns out certain things have naturally worked out in my favor. at the beginning of this month i had my review at work where i got words like "exemplary" and "beyond our expectation" and "we couldn't do the work we do without you" thrown at me. it felt really good! as did the raise they gave me! i was a little disappointed to hear it was prorated because i had only been there for 6 months (and not a full year) but still, i'll take it.
earlier this month i discovered a mass transit option for my 40 miles each way commute to work. it's a bus that leaves less than 2 miles from my apartment, makes only 3 stops, and drops me off only half a mile from my office. and it's saving me $150 a month! (not counting the money i'll save in oil changes and wear and tear on my 8-year old volkswagen). also when you add in the federal tax benefit for commuting via mass transit, that's another boost! not to mention helping to alleviate the stress of driving in traffic every day. THAT benefit is immeasurable.
so i was able to see a very reasonable increase in my income for basically doing nothing, except be an awesome employee :) woot woot!
the morning after the worst day (so far) of 2011
yesterday was just so not cool. i felt all dizzy on the bus to work. i was starving all day; i could barely keep up with feeding myself; MORE last minute effing projects meaning i couldn't take any time away from my desk, and i was starved and dizzy on the way home.
pms + low calorie diet = bad effing day.
i wasn't trying to starve myself. i was eating just like i had been but i guess it just wasn't enough yesterday. i had a bigger than normal dinner at outback with my honey: caesar salad (dressing on side) and half my plate of salmon and veggies and a half a glass of pinot noir. i think i might have to get a stash of luna bars or something similar to keep in my bag for occasions on the bus when i'm starving and can't make it the hour ride home without something to nibble.
i got on the scale this morning and found i 'gained' back the pound i had lost. which makes sense. i suspect i had less than 1200 cals on tuesday and it sent my body way outta whack. so i made up for it on wednesday. i hear calorie cycling works anyway. :)
here's to thursday being better! much better!
pms + low calorie diet = bad effing day.
i wasn't trying to starve myself. i was eating just like i had been but i guess it just wasn't enough yesterday. i had a bigger than normal dinner at outback with my honey: caesar salad (dressing on side) and half my plate of salmon and veggies and a half a glass of pinot noir. i think i might have to get a stash of luna bars or something similar to keep in my bag for occasions on the bus when i'm starving and can't make it the hour ride home without something to nibble.
i got on the scale this morning and found i 'gained' back the pound i had lost. which makes sense. i suspect i had less than 1200 cals on tuesday and it sent my body way outta whack. so i made up for it on wednesday. i hear calorie cycling works anyway. :)
here's to thursday being better! much better!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
the best day (so far) of 2011
it appears that clean eating and daily walks agree with me because i had the best day today. i was up and at 'em at 4:30am, which is a tad early even for me. i made an awesome breakfast (sauteed mini bellas, egg white on an everything bagel thin and a cuppa tea), got all glammed up for work, cleaned up the kitchen and was out the door by 6:00am. cruised along to the 'stack of dimes' podcast in the fog, sipping a peppermint tea and got to work at 6:45am.
and i just continued to cruise throughout the day. had an awesome snack of roasted cauliflower and garbanzo beans at 8:15am. i had a morningstar veggie patty (the ones that taste JUST like chicken nuggets) at 9:30am. i scarfed down a Lean Cuisine chicken meal then went for a 3 mile walk. came back kinda sweaty (ick!) and had a bit of haaggen dasz coffee ice cream. my next snack was at 3:00pm: a fat free strawberry greek yogurt. i finally just had dinner: more roasted cauliflower and garbanzo beans.
but here's the best part: i had TONS of energy all day! no 3:00pm slump. no cravings for sugar or chocolate. and best of all no crankiness. and oh! i forgot to tell you this is my pms week. what?! no crankiness?! no tiredness?! holy effing shite!
i might have just jinxed myself because i know my hormones are powerful, vengeful beeyotches, but damn i feel good!
i'm almost afraid of how good this feels because i know it won't always be this easy. but i AM gonna enjoy it, damnit. it feels so good to not be a slave to my moods or my appetite.
and i just continued to cruise throughout the day. had an awesome snack of roasted cauliflower and garbanzo beans at 8:15am. i had a morningstar veggie patty (the ones that taste JUST like chicken nuggets) at 9:30am. i scarfed down a Lean Cuisine chicken meal then went for a 3 mile walk. came back kinda sweaty (ick!) and had a bit of haaggen dasz coffee ice cream. my next snack was at 3:00pm: a fat free strawberry greek yogurt. i finally just had dinner: more roasted cauliflower and garbanzo beans.
but here's the best part: i had TONS of energy all day! no 3:00pm slump. no cravings for sugar or chocolate. and best of all no crankiness. and oh! i forgot to tell you this is my pms week. what?! no crankiness?! no tiredness?! holy effing shite!
i might have just jinxed myself because i know my hormones are powerful, vengeful beeyotches, but damn i feel good!
i'm almost afraid of how good this feels because i know it won't always be this easy. but i AM gonna enjoy it, damnit. it feels so good to not be a slave to my moods or my appetite.
Monday, January 24, 2011
two fit chicks and a pumpkin muffin
i was amazed by the scale this morning which measured a 5.1 lb weight loss for the week. especially considering my meal at zocalo. thankfully, one meal does not negate a week's worth of work. so i was feeling super charged and motivated this morning. had some leftover rice and beans for breakfast and packed up all my healthy foods for the day, which included the rest of the leftovers from my fabulous sunday meal.
all was fine and dandy until my preggo (and naturally skinny) co-worker brought in treats for us. i immediately said that someone else could have mine and she said, "but i got you the pumpkin muffin. that's more healthy than the other stuff."
what are you supposed to say to someone who brings you a treat?
so when it came time to have my first snack of the day i ate like half of the muffin top. and i accounted for like 300 calories because god knows these yummy bakery muffins ain't skimpy. that meant i would have to cut out 2 of my snacks and i wasn't quite sure that 1. i would be able to make it without getting really hungry and 2. the muffin was worth it.
i also had to accommodate for my leftovers which included some egg, part of a steak and rice & beans. the rest of my food today: 4 slices of thin chicken deli meat with mustard, a weight watchers ravioli florentine meal, a cup of nonfat greek yogurt with honey. i figured if i really was hungry, i'd have the edamame i brought and/or the hot chocolate too. but i didn't have to dip into those reserves.
as for dinner, the jury is still out on whether i'm hungry enough. i might roast some broccolli which should do minimal damage.
this week, i wanted to also step up my physical activity. my initial plan was to start an evening routine. but bah, i've got menstrual cramps and i don't care if exercise is supposed to help, i'm not gonna do it :) but i did increase my walking mileage at work to 3 miles. i listened to a new-to-me podcast today: two fit chicks and a microphone. i lurve it. one of the girls has an australian accent so she could be talking about toilets and i think i'd listen just because her voice and accents are awesome. but the content is great too. i'd highly recommend it.
all was fine and dandy until my preggo (and naturally skinny) co-worker brought in treats for us. i immediately said that someone else could have mine and she said, "but i got you the pumpkin muffin. that's more healthy than the other stuff."
what are you supposed to say to someone who brings you a treat?
so when it came time to have my first snack of the day i ate like half of the muffin top. and i accounted for like 300 calories because god knows these yummy bakery muffins ain't skimpy. that meant i would have to cut out 2 of my snacks and i wasn't quite sure that 1. i would be able to make it without getting really hungry and 2. the muffin was worth it.
i also had to accommodate for my leftovers which included some egg, part of a steak and rice & beans. the rest of my food today: 4 slices of thin chicken deli meat with mustard, a weight watchers ravioli florentine meal, a cup of nonfat greek yogurt with honey. i figured if i really was hungry, i'd have the edamame i brought and/or the hot chocolate too. but i didn't have to dip into those reserves.
as for dinner, the jury is still out on whether i'm hungry enough. i might roast some broccolli which should do minimal damage.
this week, i wanted to also step up my physical activity. my initial plan was to start an evening routine. but bah, i've got menstrual cramps and i don't care if exercise is supposed to help, i'm not gonna do it :) but i did increase my walking mileage at work to 3 miles. i listened to a new-to-me podcast today: two fit chicks and a microphone. i lurve it. one of the girls has an australian accent so she could be talking about toilets and i think i'd listen just because her voice and accents are awesome. but the content is great too. i'd highly recommend it.
naked weigh in: week 1
1/17: 193.5
1/18: 191.2
1/19: 190.8
1/20: 190.0
1/21: 190.0
1/22: 189.6
1/23: 189.2
1/24: 188.4
adios, 5.1 pounds. i didn't need you and i won't miss you.
1/18: 191.2
1/19: 190.8
1/20: 190.0
1/21: 190.0
1/22: 189.6
1/23: 189.2
1/24: 188.4
adios, 5.1 pounds. i didn't need you and i won't miss you.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
zocalo
if you ever find yourself in midtown sacramento, run, do not walk, to Zocalo. insanely good mexican food and a huge selection of top shelf tequilas in a beautiful environment. they have a great brunch with live music.
and this is where i blew all (and more) of my calories today. and they were damn, effing tasty calories.
at least it's all i ate today. right?
Saturday, January 22, 2011
oh baby!
so i was worried about the temptation to eat lotsa good food at the baby shower i went to today. my co-worker's family are all good cooks so i knew i would be entering the danger zone. after breakfast and 2 snacks, i managed to save 850 calories for the party. and while i have no idea what my actual caloric intake was, i think i fared very well.
i ate 1 samosa. HALF a vegetarian tamale. 1 breaded veggie stick. a small slice of a veggie flatbread thing. and a very small glass of pinot noir.
NO CAKE! and it was tres leches cake! NO cookies! and they were homemade! NO truffles or candy. and NO champagne.
while i was no angel, I did a LOT better than i thought i would. i was definitely tempted to indulge on account of it being a "special occasion". but i knew i would feel worse about cheating. the food was good, but not THAT good :) ya know? is there any food that is worth it? probably, but not now that the wedding is a mere 6 weeks ago. plus i just really really need to prove to myself that i can do this. that i haven't lost all control over myself.
i ate 1 samosa. HALF a vegetarian tamale. 1 breaded veggie stick. a small slice of a veggie flatbread thing. and a very small glass of pinot noir.
NO CAKE! and it was tres leches cake! NO cookies! and they were homemade! NO truffles or candy. and NO champagne.
while i was no angel, I did a LOT better than i thought i would. i was definitely tempted to indulge on account of it being a "special occasion". but i knew i would feel worse about cheating. the food was good, but not THAT good :) ya know? is there any food that is worth it? probably, but not now that the wedding is a mere 6 weeks ago. plus i just really really need to prove to myself that i can do this. that i haven't lost all control over myself.
Friday, January 21, 2011
frickin' friday
today was the second friday in a row where my boss assigned me an "urgent" project due before the end of the day. i'm seriously so over this kind of bullshit. it seems like all of our work lately is get. it. done. now. and if it isn't, it's only because the client lagged. once we get it back, it's "hurry up we needed this yesterday". people seriously suck.
that being said, my eating was a little off today. i had all my meals and snacks planned, but i didn't eat at such regular intervals. nor did i have nearly as much water as i am supposed to have. it was work work work today.
the upside is that i didn't eat anything i wasn't supposed to eat and i didn't "feed" my stress.
tomorrow i have a baby shower so again my eating will be a little off. my strategy is to eat just enough healthy stuff there to get me through the few hours. i should also be able to get in a little more exercise than normal with it being saturday and all. so hopefully it will all balance out.
that being said, my eating was a little off today. i had all my meals and snacks planned, but i didn't eat at such regular intervals. nor did i have nearly as much water as i am supposed to have. it was work work work today.
the upside is that i didn't eat anything i wasn't supposed to eat and i didn't "feed" my stress.
tomorrow i have a baby shower so again my eating will be a little off. my strategy is to eat just enough healthy stuff there to get me through the few hours. i should also be able to get in a little more exercise than normal with it being saturday and all. so hopefully it will all balance out.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
a collection of thoughts
- my first snack of the day was a cup of lentil soup. that shiz kept me full for 2 hours! i probably could have gone longer, but figured i should get my next snack in so i don't accidentally get hungry.
- i got started on my walk today and realized, oh crap. i'm sore. i definitely felt it in my hip flexors, quads and feet. i need to start wearing real walking shoes, especially given my poor foot anatomy.
- i got really, really tired at around 2pm. after i had already had my walk, my lunch and some sorbet as a snack. it sucked. i just wanted to plop my head down on my desk and sleep. i even called patrick to see if he would be willing to pick me up from work if my tiredness continued.
- it didn't. thankfully. surprisingly. and just as suddenly. by around 3 i had perked up and was able to finish up a good amount of work before i left work.
- i left with a definite spring in my step. it kinda felt like friday, that's how good i felt by the time i left. so good in fact that my mind immediately went to "ooh what fun things can i eat to celebrate?" isn't it funny how that works. i eat when i'm sad. i'm mad. i'm stressed. AND i eat when i'm happy. it appears that whenever i feel i need a release, whether it's good or bad, food is my drug of choice.
- of course i knew i only had 300 calories to work with. it's very hard to splurge with that. so i came home to make roasted brussel sprouts. but part of me definitely wanted to go "wheeeeee! let's devour some nachos! yum!!" i got high just thinking about it. for reals.
- being on a "diet" is like being on a budget. and after several years of overspending, i've become pretty good at balancing my financial budget. now it's time to exercise the same discipline to my eating and health. being an adult is a bitch.
- but so far, things are manageable. having the numbers in black in white in front of me help me stay accountable. my plan is to get me down to a more manageable weight while i try to increase my fitness level and find a happy medium where i can eat sensibly but splurge a little and be in good enough shape to accommodate that.
- and then i'll get pregnant and all of that will get shot to hell. :)
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
today's highlights
lunch: Safeway Signature Cafe Soup: Coconut and Red Curry Chicken Bisque
standout snack: Single serving Haagen Dazs ice cream in Coffee flavor
on the ipod: stuff you should know podcast: episode "how muppets work".
but i guess that's the point.
- really flavorful, really rich.
- 1 cup = 250 cals
- comes in 24 oz. containers for $4.39. that's 3 meals! or $1.46 per meal!!
standout snack: Single serving Haagen Dazs ice cream in Coffee flavor- the tiny ass, shot glass sized carton is a total of 220 calories, so i split it and ate half at 2:30 and the other half at 3:30.
- DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH RESTRAINT THAT TAKES!?
- it even comes with its own little spoon.
- and only a dollar!
on the ipod: stuff you should know podcast: episode "how muppets work".
- lots of fun facts about jim henson's characters and behind the scenes schtuff.
- they post the question, what if jim henson had finished his college degree in accounting instead of inventing the muppets? what a sad, sad world it would have been! no grover. no bert and ernie. no kermie. no fraggles.
but i guess that's the point.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
1200 calories
i came across a youtuber who was able to lose 82 pounds in 72 days, going from 257 to 175. her journey was very well documented and even her moniker struck a chord with me: ImpatientDieter. and considering my wedding is in 48 days and i could stand to lose about half what she lost, i thought hey maybe i CAN do this for 7 weeks.
roughly her plan is this: she drinks a 100 calorie meal replacement shake every hour, drinks nearly a gallon of water, and 2 regular meals of 250 calories each for a total of 1,200 calories a day. she also walks for an hour in the morning and evening and follows each walk up with a couple sets of crunches, leg lifts, and arm exercises. she calls it the easyway diet because she's never hungry and the exercise is pretty easy.
i tried a modified version of her nearly all liquid diet yesterday. um, no thanks. maybe it would be different if my protein shakes tasted better. i also work in a small office and really didn't want to be shaking up these drinks every hour. and oh, yeah, i like actual food.
but i was able to restrict my calories to only 1200. and take a 2.5 mile walk at lunch.
today, i replaced one of her shakes with a hot cocoa with some protein powder (much more palatable this way) and had several small 100(ish) calorie snacks throughout the day. today was a bit easier than yesterday as i think my stomach has shrunk down from its normal eat-all-i-want size. it's 7:40pm here now and i've hit my 1200 calories for the day and got in another hour long walk at lunch.
while it's kind of a pain to eat every hour, it's also kind of nice. lots of little treats during the day help the day go faster and even though i'm eating less than i normally do, it doesn't feel like it. part of it i think comes from the variety of food i've been eating: edamame, greek yogurt, tuna, small bits of chocolate. i can satisfy both my sweet and savory tooth as it comes up during the day.
and now who knows what's gonna happen once the weekend comes. when i have a baby shower to go to. or in a few weeks when the pms hits. but for now it feels good to feel a little more in control. and i doubt i'll be able to drop 48 pounds in 48 days, which was her pace. i doubt i'll be able to drop 20. but 10 pounds in 7 weeks would be nice.
roughly her plan is this: she drinks a 100 calorie meal replacement shake every hour, drinks nearly a gallon of water, and 2 regular meals of 250 calories each for a total of 1,200 calories a day. she also walks for an hour in the morning and evening and follows each walk up with a couple sets of crunches, leg lifts, and arm exercises. she calls it the easyway diet because she's never hungry and the exercise is pretty easy.
i tried a modified version of her nearly all liquid diet yesterday. um, no thanks. maybe it would be different if my protein shakes tasted better. i also work in a small office and really didn't want to be shaking up these drinks every hour. and oh, yeah, i like actual food.
but i was able to restrict my calories to only 1200. and take a 2.5 mile walk at lunch.
today, i replaced one of her shakes with a hot cocoa with some protein powder (much more palatable this way) and had several small 100(ish) calorie snacks throughout the day. today was a bit easier than yesterday as i think my stomach has shrunk down from its normal eat-all-i-want size. it's 7:40pm here now and i've hit my 1200 calories for the day and got in another hour long walk at lunch.
while it's kind of a pain to eat every hour, it's also kind of nice. lots of little treats during the day help the day go faster and even though i'm eating less than i normally do, it doesn't feel like it. part of it i think comes from the variety of food i've been eating: edamame, greek yogurt, tuna, small bits of chocolate. i can satisfy both my sweet and savory tooth as it comes up during the day.
and now who knows what's gonna happen once the weekend comes. when i have a baby shower to go to. or in a few weeks when the pms hits. but for now it feels good to feel a little more in control. and i doubt i'll be able to drop 48 pounds in 48 days, which was her pace. i doubt i'll be able to drop 20. but 10 pounds in 7 weeks would be nice.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
what i learned about myself in 2010
i don't know about you, but 2010 was a doozy! it was both good and bad in some extreme ways. i got 2 new jobs. pattycakes and i made the leap into cohabitation and it was more of a transition than i thought it would be. but now we're happier than ever together and excited about our wedding in less than 2 months. my grandma, my last living grandparent, passed away the week of her 93rd birthday. and not a day goes by that i haven't thought of her or my grandpa. this grief is unlike any i've ever felt. financially, pattycakes and i have made it by the skin of our teeth and the generosity of his parents. we're getting by day-to-day but i still struggle with feeling any security in this area.
unfortunately, overall, i've been stressed, tired, and bitchy. and while i was not grossly unhappy, i was rarely happy. my waking thoughts were always filled with something i should be doing. i just couldn't find respite from this worry that pervaded my life. it's like i was overcompensating for all the things i couldn't control by being super-extra-crazy controlling over the things i thought i could control - my work, cleaning the apartment etc. i couldn't keep up with the expectations i held for myself and it just made me more stressed, more tired, and ultimately less productive.
making me one big bitchy unhappy person.
how patrick put up with it, i have no idea.
i really am not proud of the person i was in 2010. i was so quick to snap. i felt so out of control emotionally. i often felt paralyzed and overwhelmed by all that i felt i had to do. so much so that i ended up doing nothing. sitting. eating. feeling awful about the hours, weekends wasted. and despite this downtime, i didn't feel rested.
i'm suddenly reminded of a good week i had in 2010. i was dog-sitting my brother's dog at my parents' house while they were all on vacation in Disneyland. even though i had my normal work routine, the change of staying at my parents' by myself to walk and feed the dog and water the plants was immensely relaxing and refreshing. i remember commenting how it felt like it recharged my batteries.
so what does this tell me?
i need more "me" time. i need to know it's ok to spend time for just myself. a time devoid of worry or thoughts of anyone or anything else. i've been running myself ragged for nothing. and turning myself into a bitchy witchy. i've noticed that the weeks that pattycakes goes to his friends' for game night are the days i get to indulge in me time and we both feel better after that time away from each other. lately, they're lucky if they get together once a month. i find i need at least one night a week to myself. i think i might start calling that day monday.
i need to guard my health. the best measure of my overall well-being is my sleep schedule. for the most part, my body gets tired by itself at around 10 and wakes up by itself between 4:30 and 5:00. i could literally set a clock by my body rhythm. The last few weeks have not been that way. i can't go to bed and it's hard for me to get up. i've been feeling restless. i am mentally and emotionally drained from all my stress but my body has not at all been challenged enough or fed well. i need to start treating my body with more respect by eating more healthy and getting fresh air and exercise.
i am refraining right now from making any weight loss goals. it just sounds like stress city right now.
i need to stop negative self-talk and rewrite a new script for myself. it's sad how often i say, 'i'm so fat and ugly'. i am constantly feeling like i need to do more in every aspect of my life. it's no wonder i always feel so behind! and those bad feelings just end up making me do less because i feel so crappy. so screw that. as greg behrendt says, "don't waste the pretty".
i have other goals for 2011 in order of priority:
unfortunately, overall, i've been stressed, tired, and bitchy. and while i was not grossly unhappy, i was rarely happy. my waking thoughts were always filled with something i should be doing. i just couldn't find respite from this worry that pervaded my life. it's like i was overcompensating for all the things i couldn't control by being super-extra-crazy controlling over the things i thought i could control - my work, cleaning the apartment etc. i couldn't keep up with the expectations i held for myself and it just made me more stressed, more tired, and ultimately less productive.
making me one big bitchy unhappy person.
how patrick put up with it, i have no idea.
i really am not proud of the person i was in 2010. i was so quick to snap. i felt so out of control emotionally. i often felt paralyzed and overwhelmed by all that i felt i had to do. so much so that i ended up doing nothing. sitting. eating. feeling awful about the hours, weekends wasted. and despite this downtime, i didn't feel rested.
i'm suddenly reminded of a good week i had in 2010. i was dog-sitting my brother's dog at my parents' house while they were all on vacation in Disneyland. even though i had my normal work routine, the change of staying at my parents' by myself to walk and feed the dog and water the plants was immensely relaxing and refreshing. i remember commenting how it felt like it recharged my batteries.
so what does this tell me?
i need more "me" time. i need to know it's ok to spend time for just myself. a time devoid of worry or thoughts of anyone or anything else. i've been running myself ragged for nothing. and turning myself into a bitchy witchy. i've noticed that the weeks that pattycakes goes to his friends' for game night are the days i get to indulge in me time and we both feel better after that time away from each other. lately, they're lucky if they get together once a month. i find i need at least one night a week to myself. i think i might start calling that day monday.
i need to guard my health. the best measure of my overall well-being is my sleep schedule. for the most part, my body gets tired by itself at around 10 and wakes up by itself between 4:30 and 5:00. i could literally set a clock by my body rhythm. The last few weeks have not been that way. i can't go to bed and it's hard for me to get up. i've been feeling restless. i am mentally and emotionally drained from all my stress but my body has not at all been challenged enough or fed well. i need to start treating my body with more respect by eating more healthy and getting fresh air and exercise.
i am refraining right now from making any weight loss goals. it just sounds like stress city right now.
i need to stop negative self-talk and rewrite a new script for myself. it's sad how often i say, 'i'm so fat and ugly'. i am constantly feeling like i need to do more in every aspect of my life. it's no wonder i always feel so behind! and those bad feelings just end up making me do less because i feel so crappy. so screw that. as greg behrendt says, "don't waste the pretty".
i have other goals for 2011 in order of priority:
- write up a budget for the year and for every month and stick to it.
- make new friends.
- take a web class.
- build a personal portfolio site.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
tafetta, organza, and spandex
if i'm not working, i'm trying on wedding dresses. or working out. or cooking because healthy eating requires real food not passed through a drive-thru window. and have i mentioned all the driving? commuting. and getting lost trying to find god forsaken bridal shops. and back to the grocery store because we're going through grapes like they're going out of style. 'cause healthy food has a shelf life.
whew!
the good news is, i'm doing well and feeling well! i'm not getting cravings and it's getting easier to turn down invitations to lunch or sweets that make their way into the office. the scale is agreeing with me and i no longer ever feel bloated or slovenly during the day.
and today i zumba-ed! if that doesn't get me ready for my weddingmoon in st. lucia, i don't know what will! :)
whew!
the good news is, i'm doing well and feeling well! i'm not getting cravings and it's getting easier to turn down invitations to lunch or sweets that make their way into the office. the scale is agreeing with me and i no longer ever feel bloated or slovenly during the day.
and today i zumba-ed! if that doesn't get me ready for my weddingmoon in st. lucia, i don't know what will! :)
Saturday, November 13, 2010
such is life
pattycakes and i did an hour long walk in the neighborhood this am, logging about 3.2 miles, if gmaps pedometer is correct. it felt pretty good and it was nice to spend some time with him like that. it's been pretty busy around here, and with our conflicting work and therefore conflicting sleep schedules, qt with the honey has been sparse.
i also got some grocery shopping done and our fridge is stocked with all kinds of healthy goodies. i literally did avoid the inner aisles of the store and bought only produce, deli, meat, dairy, and frozen foods. i did make one detour into the inner aisles for some nail polish. but hopefully that doesn't contribute to weight gain :)
i spent the morning relaxing, which i haven't done in forever. i actually read a magazine, took a nap, and made lunch. without feeling harried or stressed.
until i got a call from the vw dealership about the status of my car. my check engine light has been on for some time now. last week, i got the code for the error, had the light cleared and tried to get my car smogged before my registration is due in dec. and i failed! apparently, when they clear the light, they clear the memory on the computer which results in an automatic fail, despite my emissions being perfect.
oh and did i tell you last week my car also died and i had to get a new battery? fun.
so to fix my check engine light issues, i have to fork over upwards of $400, then get the damned thing smogged so i can pay my registration before it expires. gah!
AND he tells me i need to replace the rotors on my brakes for both the front and back. and that will cost about $800! and should get done asap.
the good news is we do have the money to pay for all of this, and our wedding, and everything that goes with it. but just barely. i had to run the numbers again, jiggle our xmas budget a little, but we'll make it by the skin of our teeth. while i'm grateful that the numbers add up, i suffer great discomfort being so close to the edge.
i keep telling myself that i need to relax. that worrying solves nothing. so i came on to blog about it. maybe i also need to take another walk!
i also got some grocery shopping done and our fridge is stocked with all kinds of healthy goodies. i literally did avoid the inner aisles of the store and bought only produce, deli, meat, dairy, and frozen foods. i did make one detour into the inner aisles for some nail polish. but hopefully that doesn't contribute to weight gain :)
i spent the morning relaxing, which i haven't done in forever. i actually read a magazine, took a nap, and made lunch. without feeling harried or stressed.
until i got a call from the vw dealership about the status of my car. my check engine light has been on for some time now. last week, i got the code for the error, had the light cleared and tried to get my car smogged before my registration is due in dec. and i failed! apparently, when they clear the light, they clear the memory on the computer which results in an automatic fail, despite my emissions being perfect.
oh and did i tell you last week my car also died and i had to get a new battery? fun.
so to fix my check engine light issues, i have to fork over upwards of $400, then get the damned thing smogged so i can pay my registration before it expires. gah!
AND he tells me i need to replace the rotors on my brakes for both the front and back. and that will cost about $800! and should get done asap.
the good news is we do have the money to pay for all of this, and our wedding, and everything that goes with it. but just barely. i had to run the numbers again, jiggle our xmas budget a little, but we'll make it by the skin of our teeth. while i'm grateful that the numbers add up, i suffer great discomfort being so close to the edge.
i keep telling myself that i need to relax. that worrying solves nothing. so i came on to blog about it. maybe i also need to take another walk!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
lacy underwear
i got to work early just so i could leave at a decent hour to get to the gym and run several other errands. but after lunch i made an executive decision that the gym was not in the cards today. and i had my underwear to blame. during my 30-ish minute walk at lunch, i got some, ahem, chafing, down there. not cool, dude. not cool. way painful. stupid frilly lace.
it's sad that i've outgrown my britches. a true sign that this exercise is desperately needed.
so instead, i opted to work late to get some projects finished to hopefully clear up some time i might have spent working this weekend. so far the only day i've gotten some real exercise was the 'mental health day' i took off on monday. the upside is that i've stuck to my eating plan save tuesday night after my car battery died. i even turned down a free pecan pie dessert. that has to count for something!
it's sad that i've outgrown my britches. a true sign that this exercise is desperately needed.
so instead, i opted to work late to get some projects finished to hopefully clear up some time i might have spent working this weekend. so far the only day i've gotten some real exercise was the 'mental health day' i took off on monday.
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
wherein i bitxh
so i took a 'mental health day' yesterday to do some errands and just relax. so of course when i get to work today everyone thinks i have cooties and treats me like i have the plague. the sympathy is nice, but not the 'ew you're dirty' vibes.
as for exercise all i could manage was a 35 minute walk at lunch. i was way too frickin' tired to get up this morning to get it done. prolly not a wise idea to start a new regimen the week we turn the clocks back.
the day at work drags by because i always feel like i have to act sorta sick on the the day back from a not-sick sick day. which has the effect of actually making me feel kinda sick. so the day just drags and drags. finally the clock turns 5:00 and i head home.
except my car won't start. gah!
i get it jumped and i'm on my way in the dark. in the rain. and in the traffic. boo. but i do make it home in one piece. i turned off my car and turned it back on again to see if it would work. no go. looks like i'm getting a new battery tomorrow morning. ugh!
so i actually get inside my apartment and start to put things away when i see them. a damned bag of oreos sitting right on the counter. i honestly want nothing more than to tear the bag open and scarf them all down.
but i don't. but i don't eat an entirely healthy dinner either. i had some leftover meatballs in sauce and some butternut squash. right now in the oven i have some sweet potato fries baking, which is sorta kinda breaking the rules. and i have no excuses. could be worse. could be better.
at least glee is on tonight!
as for exercise all i could manage was a 35 minute walk at lunch. i was way too frickin' tired to get up this morning to get it done. prolly not a wise idea to start a new regimen the week we turn the clocks back.
the day at work drags by because i always feel like i have to act sorta sick on the the day back from a not-sick sick day. which has the effect of actually making me feel kinda sick. so the day just drags and drags. finally the clock turns 5:00 and i head home.
except my car won't start. gah!
i get it jumped and i'm on my way in the dark. in the rain. and in the traffic. boo. but i do make it home in one piece. i turned off my car and turned it back on again to see if it would work. no go. looks like i'm getting a new battery tomorrow morning. ugh!
so i actually get inside my apartment and start to put things away when i see them. a damned bag of oreos sitting right on the counter. i honestly want nothing more than to tear the bag open and scarf them all down.
but i don't. but i don't eat an entirely healthy dinner either. i had some leftover meatballs in sauce and some butternut squash. right now in the oven i have some sweet potato fries baking, which is sorta kinda breaking the rules. and i have no excuses. could be worse. could be better.
at least glee is on tonight!
Monday, November 08, 2010
i remember this feeling!
19:12 to the park, 15:45 back, 8:15 to our mailbox and back to cool off. for a total of 2.17 miles according to gmaps pedometer. i kinda like this strategy of walking out and walk/running back. it practically assures victory. and assures i don't get lazy towards the end.
i have to admit that even after my woo-rah post last night, i was really not feeling the idea of going out. i don't know exactly why. in my mind i had a good handful of reasons not to: i need to do laundry, i need to organize the office, i need to go to the bookstore etc. but ultimately i could not let sunshine go to waste and i got my arse out. and thank god i did.
i was sort of bitching and moaning on the way out, but by the end i felt pretty good. i definitely felt heavier and clunkier and my chest definitely did not feel as free and open as when i was in shape, but overall it felt good.
as for diet, i've decided that the plan that gets me the best results overall is protein+veggies+fruits. ixnay on the sugar, bread, potatoes, rice etc. i figure i will eat like a good girl until thanksgiving where i will let myself enjoy dinner, then will climb back up on the saddle until christmas. i won't be running so much that i'll 'need' the easy carbs in the next few weeks. hopefully i can drop about 10 lbs by the end of the year and i can reassess my plan then.
on another note, my passport came in the mail today! 116 days until we leave for st. lucia! and 122 days til mspetiteamerica becomes a mrs!
i have to admit that even after my woo-rah post last night, i was really not feeling the idea of going out. i don't know exactly why. in my mind i had a good handful of reasons not to: i need to do laundry, i need to organize the office, i need to go to the bookstore etc. but ultimately i could not let sunshine go to waste and i got my arse out. and thank god i did.
i was sort of bitching and moaning on the way out, but by the end i felt pretty good. i definitely felt heavier and clunkier and my chest definitely did not feel as free and open as when i was in shape, but overall it felt good.
as for diet, i've decided that the plan that gets me the best results overall is protein+veggies+fruits. ixnay on the sugar, bread, potatoes, rice etc. i figure i will eat like a good girl until thanksgiving where i will let myself enjoy dinner, then will climb back up on the saddle until christmas. i won't be running so much that i'll 'need' the easy carbs in the next few weeks. hopefully i can drop about 10 lbs by the end of the year and i can reassess my plan then.
on another note, my passport came in the mail today! 116 days until we leave for st. lucia! and 122 days til mspetiteamerica becomes a mrs!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)