CHEERS!

DUDES!!!!

i got a new jobby job!!

**dances the running man**

WOOT!

not only did i rock the socks off the marketing manager and general manager of this company but i was able to negotiate a higher salary than they originally offered! that is the first time i've EVER done anything like that in my entire life. and all i can say is THANK GOD i finally grew a pair and asked for what i was worth :) i'm honestly more proud of myself for that than i am for landing the job. seriously, being an adult totally rocks :)

and to top it off, when i gave notice at my current job they were totally sad. and bummed. and fear-stricken. not to toot my own horn but i knew they were thinking, 'shit. what the hell are we going to do without her?' because i do a lot. way more than my job description. honestly, they've gotten so used to me figuring out any problem or question, from small to big things that they've become lazy in learning and figuring things out themselves. and what they've entrusted me to there will be nearly impossible to teach anyone or even try to write down in the 2 weeks i have left.

but i felt really touched when my boss said that they were really sad to lose me. and that i was a really valuable employee. i confided that i considered asking for a raise, but figured since they were cutting everyone's hours that it was going to be impossible. and he said, i should have asked because he would have said yes! he said that i should never be afraid for ask for things like that, and that's what gave me to balls to negotiate a higher salary at my new gig.

so boo-yah!

here's to working hard. and working harder. and always always always finding a way to grow and be valuable to your team.

my new job isn't glamorous. it isn't Las Vegas. and it's in the same small sleepy suburban town that i live in now. but with what they're paying me i can be DEBT FREE in a year!! i can get web design experience that i don't currently have. and i get the feeling they hired me because of my extensive corporate branding experience. so i hope to be instrumental in bringing a fresh look to this company, standardizing their corporate identity, and getting them up to speed on email marketing campaigns which they don't currently take advantage of. and that my friends, is very exciting stuff for me. even if it does deal with wholesale flooring supplies ;)

if you would have asked my 22 year old design graduate self if i would have found that kind of work exciting, i would have rolled my eyes and said hell no. but what i've learned over the course of my 10 year career is that everyone deserves good design. and if i can help flooring supplies get sold so that people can have houses to live in and buildings to work in and places to play, then hey i'm pretty happy about that.

thank you guys for all your support. it's been so rough. and i know it's been rough for a lot of people out there. and all i can say is, keep the faith, keep at it and most of all, believe in yourself.

i feel like celebrating

the interview went really well. we saw eye to eye on a lot of things and was pleased to hear her keep saying 'good! good!'. it also appears our salary expectations are similar, which was what i was worried about the most. i will hear soon as to whether i get called back for a second interview at the end of the month. and from what it sounds like, i'm the only currently employed designer they are interviewing. hmmmm?

small miracle

i have survived 2 days with no snacking and no eating past 6:30. we even went on a walk each day.

i <3 spring.

maybe too late to slim down and tone up for bikini season, but i'll take any steps toward good health any day.

forward

i have another interview! on thursday!

the official word

Las Vegas called. she said she really liked me and really wanted to hire me but that they were pressured to go with an internal candidate. but she said she would definitely keep me in mind if a position opened up. she sounded pretty disappointed. and i felt better because i really felt like we hit it off and that it was gonna be a good fit. and at least i wasn't imagining that. so now we're linkedin and hopefully my good impression will lead to something.

so i guess for all the ways to be rejected, that was the best possible way. it reaffirms that i've still got it and like i said earlier a good interview is still a victory.

so we plod along again. opportunity is on the horizon. i know it.

no news is still news?

no word yet. and technically they are still within their deadline. they should have finished their interviews sometime last week. so it's not entirely bad that i haven't heard back yet. but i'm tired of waiting. tired of giving myself mini-heart attacks every time my phone goes off or my inbox gets a new email. and i've resisted the urge to post every day about the waiting. oh the waiting. because who wants to read a blog post every day that read, 'nothing yet. my impatience grows. looking for vodka.'?

i haven't been able to keep my mind off of it. i try and think happy positive thoughts. to, you know, sway the universe. even though i've done everything i can do at this point. then i try to think 'realistically' and brace myself for the possible rejection. but some part of me isn't ready to give up and say no until the fat lady sings. then i try to distract myself. but work is only frustrating the hell out of me right now. and once i get home my idle mind just swirls and swirls in its own worry and impatience.

i still haven't even unpacked from the trip. or put away the laundry i did before i left. i'm a mess.

and it's sad. or is the right word pathetic? i just can't get my mind unstuck from waiting. it's my least favorite thing to do. and i am very bad at it.

part of me feels that if i was their first choice i would have heard back by now, considering it seemed like they wanted to find someone sooner rather than later. and that the only reason i haven't heard back is because they are still waiting for their first choice to accept their offer. and the more time passes, the less my chances are of being called with good news.

granted it's only tuesday. so i think, maybe they haven't decided yet. maybe they haven't gotten everything approved by corporate. maybe. maybe. maybe.

it's so frustrating because i felt like i totally nailed the interview. it really felt like one of the best interviews i ever gave/had. though i do recognize that everyone else may have given the interview of their lives and while i believe i am fully qualified (if not over-qualified), i am sure every candidate they interviewed was qualified too. i know that a rejection at this point doesn't mean i didn't do awesome and that i am not qualified. it just means that i wasn't the right fit.

but at this point, i'm sick of hearing 'you're great but we are slow and not hiring' or 'you're great, but no thank you'. i hate my job. i want out. and i know i can do better. something's gotta give.

because i have wrought myself sick over this already, i have decided that the answer must be 'no' and i have to move on. (especially since i sent a follow up email this morning and haven't yet received a response, even though their normal response time has been 24hrs) i am sick of this holding pattern. i must return to the land of the living and functional.

UPDATE: i feel much saner now after having written this. thank you blogger.

march, already?

...and i'm back.

and i gave one of the best interviews i've ever given. i was a little nervous going in, but once i started talking it was so easy and natural. i would be surprised if i didn't get the job. but i'm not counting on it either. i mean what if everyone else gave the interview of their lives? regardless, though, i'm am very proud of my effort and it was such a boost to know i've still got it together. ya dig?

we weren't totally debaucherous in sin city, since we were there for business and for less than 36 hours. though i did have a run in with my nemesis, tequila, after my interview. the drive there and back, adjusting to the dryness of the desert, and the indoor second hand smoke took a pretty good toll on us. we got home late sunday night, i had jury duty in the morning, was relesased by 10:30 to go back to work and fix shit that got messed up in the day i was gone. so i got home monday night, ate dinner, then slept.

now i feel more normal. and must resume my lenten promise. my body feels all outta whack and i need to be good to it again.

p.s. keep praying. they have other candidates to interview this week, so i should know sometime next week.

can i get an amen?

this time tomorrow, pattycakes and i will be on the road to las vegas. i have a job interview on friday afternoon. i have a good feeling about this one. send us happy thoughts, yeah? thanks :)

boost

so i fully admit i do not have the healthiest habits in the world. or even on the block. i kept telling myself i should take a multivitamin or something. but i am so adverse to popping any kind of pill. it's hard enough for me to remember to take the meds i have to take.

but one day i was bored and i went to target and i remembered that my 4 year old nephew loves to take his gummy vitamins. and i thought, hey, i like candy! i'll take candy vitamins too! i thought i would have to double dose on a kids vitamin, but they have gummy vitamins for adults too! yay!

they even have OMEGA 3s in gummies! hurrah! no nasty huge ass fish oil pill to take. i heard you burp up fish oil all day. groddy to the max. so i bought a bottle of target brand berry gummy multis for adults and a lil critters omega 3 gummies.

and being the kid that i am i look forward to taking my vitamins. i usually have them after lunch as my 'dessert'. it's like eating a pack of fruit snacks or something. i've found that in the month i've been using them i'm a lot more, ahem, regular, if you know what i mean. and my nails and hair have grown a lot faster.

i have since done some online research and found that there is an adult gummy version of the omega 3s, but i think i'll stick to the kids one since it seems to be working well for me. i know that taking vitamins isn't a novel idea, but still i thought i'd share anyway. the gummy verisons rock!

can't get this outta my head.

i want her trainer.

a new season

they say that most new years resolutions have fizzled by valentines day. a mere 45 days into the year! but today provides another opportunity for renewed resolve: ash wednesday the beginning of lent. 40 days and 40 nights of reflection and repentance.

now i understand not everyone is catholic, and many catholics just use this time as a social exercise to gripe about giving up chocolate or soda or facebook. but regardless of your faith or practice, it's never a bad idea to focus inwardly and build yourself up for the new season of spring.

my lenten practice this year will be about being more mindful of my body: what i put into it, how i treat it, take care of it, and appreciate it.

thanks

thanks for all of your responses. ya'll made it quite clear to me that this is not my responsibility (even though it has been my stress for the last year) and it just took a HUGE load off of my shoulders. not that i don't have my own shiz to take care of. but trying to carry it all just about did me in. but now, i feel lighter. and stronger. to carry out my end of the bargain and take of business.

and not that i want to dwell, but more as a note to myself, i have this habit of wanting to take care of other people. and i'm not even saying it to try to make myself look good. it's just that when someone i care about, or even just know says they're upset, or hungry or whatever, my brain and heart automatically go to 'what can i do to help?' and i don't feel better until i can contribute something. it's weird. i could go into all the psychobabble as to why i do it and blah blah. but it's pointless. the point is, i'm very empathetic. but i don't have to save the friggin' world to be a good person.

moving on. we spent very little at the cuzzo's birthday bc we avoided dinner out with them entirely, though i found out later dinner was on the hostess. but still, i can't go assuming that every family outing i go on will be funded by my aunts or uncles. it was a good exercise in restraint for us. the whole gang went bowling afterward which was also funded by the hostess. my uncle even bought me and patrick a pitcher of beer. my family is usually generous in this manner, but i like to not assume. and well i don't like spending their money willynilly either. so all in all a fun night on very little cash.

i realize this blog has been mainly about my finances and personal life. i'm just not feeling the whole running thing as much. and i'm not gonna beat myself up about it. i think i'm starting to get a handle on other things in life and i just can't handle trying to tackle everything at once. my brain can only handle one thing at a time i guess. so ONE: get spending under control. working on it. TWO: find a new job/get more income. working on it. (i've been getting some responses back, even if to say they aren't hiring, but it makes me feel better that my emails aren't just disappearing into space. and i have a couple prospects going) THREE: working out. will have to wait. FOUR: eating healthy. will have to wait.

i know it IS technically possible to work on all 4 at once. but yeah, not my brain. but i will keep on keeping on.

oh and p.s. you know what habit i did manage to break? like just cold turkey? out of the blue and totally suddenly? my nail biting habit. going on over 2 months now. FINALLY.

i need your advice

if you've read my blog for any length of time you know that

1. my fiance is unemployed and has been for exactly a year now.
2. i am experiencing furloughs at my job.
3. i have credit card debt and student loans.

we just got a notice that pattycake is not eligible for the last extension of unemployment like we thought. we're appealing it, but we're uncertain how they will rule. i'm preparing for the worst.

right now we have about $8k saved in the bank which can cover his expenses for about 5 months. if i help pay his bills, our savings could float us for 8 months total. longer if he can find something, anything part-time. i'm considering getting a second job. just so we can keep saving something every month.

his parents, after hearing our predicament offered to send us money from an account they set up a long time ago to help patrick buy his first house (once he finally found a wife). they would rather i put my extra money towards my debt than use it to help pay patrick's bills.

i'm a little speechless.

i'm resistant to just take money. i feel like we're old enough that running to our parents is unacceptable. it's bad enough we have to live with mine, but now his parents' are paying our bills? it's not exactly pride, but the idea of 'no, i have to do this alone.'

part of me also feels like, 'no, i have to struggle.' i got myself into this mess, we got ourselves into this mess we have to feel the pain and dig ourselves out. i feel like we really have to feel and earn this lesson.

part of me feels overwhelmed and overloved that we have people in our lives who have the means to help us in such a big way. but part of me feels like that money should wait to be used for what it was meant for, especially if we really can find a way to float this ourselves. even though i understand that this money is a gift they had always intended on giving us, it's just too much for me to take.

i don't think it's the kind of thing that will have strings attached, but you also never know. am i going to feel in debt to them?

but if we do take help from them, and i can start knocking out my debt like a super champ, and i don't have to get a second job, i can spend my time taking some classes i've been meaning and needing to take. i will have the time to do a lot of the professional development i haven't been doing. it does make me feel like i could breathe a little easier.

obviously i won't really be able to sleep at night until he is gainfully employed and we can support ourselves, which is something his parents can't help us with.

so what do you think peeps? should we consider this magic parent fund an extension of our savings so i can start attacking my debt? or should we act like we don't even know it's there and fight it out on our own?

when you live with a picky eater and more budget rambling

so far, the no-spending rule has been working, with one minor hiccup. there was one night that my parents were annoying us more than usual and we had to escape the blare of fox news on the tv. my dad listens to it at an uncomfortably high volume because he's losing his hearing. i actually got up in the middle of eating a chicken wing at dinner because i just couldn't stand the noise and negativity. don't get me wrong i love my parents, and i don't care that politically our ideologies are different, but after a long day at work with constant noise and interruptions, the LAST thing i want to hear at home is more debbie downer (and innacurate) talk about politics and the economy. and since it's their house, i let them have their space. patty cakes and i had got the hell outta there. i found $30 in my pocket earlier that week and figured it wasn't too naughty of us to spend 'found' money at in-n-out burger to save our sanity. afterward we spent the evening at the library magazine section of barnes and noble. a cheap but fun accidental date.

we bought groceries last week and they should last us well into next week. i/we have cooked a good number of meals for ourselves this week, but we also rely heavily on packaged and frozen food, which i don't like from a nutritional standpoint. most of my meals come from stuff my parents make or stuff i make for myself (patrick hates vegetables and i just don't have the energy sometimes to eat only the few he does like or come up with ways he will like new stuff). for me the packaged food comes into play for about 50% of the meals i share with patrick. because patrick doesn't like to or doesn't want to cook, he relies much more heavily on the packaged food or leftovers from meals i make for both of us. i'm hoping to make changes to healthier grocery shopping, but i didn't want to take way all of the boy's fast food and grocery indulgences at one time. right now the focus is getting our spending down as low as possible and once we get that habit going, i can focus on substituting our crappy food with healthier alternatives.

but i'm sure i'm not alone in having to deal with their family's different eating habits and preferences. i would have infinitely less stress about meal preparation if patrick ate even half the things i eat (namely vegetables). So what do you all do about the picky eaters in your house? How do you trick get the junk-food junkies to eat healthy?

as for other spending, the only thing i've bought in the last week is gas and turbo tax. my only other non-regularly-monthly-scheduled expenses this month are an oil change (which i might try to get my brother to do so all i have to spend money on is an new oil filter and the actual oil) and a doctor's visit. i got my gym to reduce my membership fees by 30% by threatening to cancel. patrick got them down to $7/month for his membership by explaining his current unemployment situation. i even went back to return a few things i purchased at the end of january WITHOUT picking up anything extra. it was all about having tunnel vision and walking straight to the customer service counter which was thankfully at the front of the store.

it's amazing how much the impulse to buy is so strong. new things at the store are so shiny and new and i don't know what it is but i've just been so conditioned to put pretty things in my cart because because oooooh that's cool and i want. i need. it's an interesting feeling for me to feel that physical and emotional rush of wanting to buy something because it's new and shiny and pretty and whatever be aware of it and have to calm that impulse. put the stuff back on the shelf and walk run out.

i had the biggest problem when it came to my little nephew. resisting the urge to spoil the most adorable creature on earth who you love with all of your heart has been a very tough lesson for me to learn. but ultimately it came down to the fact that 1. i don't have the money to do that like i used to 2. i am now a part of a couple and i have to put our needs and goals ahead of my own and 3. i don't want to teach my nephew that money grows on trees and spoil him like veruca salt. i find he loves me just as much without all the treats i used to give him because of all the fun and time we share together. and it makes the gifts i do give him for christmas and his birthday all the more special and meaningful.

it's a little sickening for me to think i'm that consumer driven. i mean it's kind of a joke that women find shopping to be a hobby, so i can't be the only one. i'm not used to spending a lot of time at home. whenever i get bored or restless my brain automatically thinks of all the things i could do out. i enjoy the stimulation and energy of going and being out. i mean i'm the kind of girl who enjoys spending an hour just getting ready to go out. but now i have to retrain my brain to think of all the things i could do at home. not nearly as glamorous but infinitely more economical. i also find i'm cleaning more and getting more stuff done around the house. and working a lot more on personal and professional development. it's amazing how much more efficient you can be when you spend less time going out to buy stuff. i know i know, not a revolutionary idea, but it's definitely a new habit for me.

the smallest month of the year

pattycakes and i have declared february 'eat at home' month. we are challenging ourselves NOT to eat out all month. (besides the commitment we already made for my cousin's birthday)

our budget is pretty lean yet i still find it ridiculous how much money we spend on eating out. mainly because we eat out when we're lazy and/or bored. i would estimate that only 25% of the time that we eat out is 'quality time' spent having a 'quality dining experience', where we're actually relaxed, taking our time, enjoying each other's company, trying something new. and not just eating for the sake of eating. ya know? and that bothers me. i may as well eat a frozen meal or whip something easy up at home and spend a few dollars than spend like $16 for us to eat fast food. or worse $40 to sit down at our local casual brewery (even if their french onion soup is FRICKIN' AWESOME) ya dig?

though i wish patrick enjoyed cooking more because i think that is a great way to spend some quality couple time. most of the time it's me alone in the kitchen, which is also sometimes nice. because most of the time when it's the two of us i'm frustrated at him being slow or asking too many questions. hmmm...

i've also imposed a no-buy for non-essentials on myself. i think i wanna see just how little i can spend in a month. while i've been good at staying within my budget every month, i still think i'm spending money on things i don't necessarily need. like the, 8 or so, tubes of lipstick i've acquired in the last 2 months or so. and don't even get me started on eye makeup. the post xmas sales were too great for this makeup junkie to resist. i have MORE than enough to last me forever.

i'm definitely one of those people who can't resist a deal. shopping itself gives me a high, but getting good shiz at a discount sends me over the edge. i think i've been buying pretty, pretty makeup to make up for my mood lately.

if all goes well, we're looking at more than doubling what we normally put into savings. which is a big deal for the smallest month of the year.

jumbled january

so as you've already noticed, i've 'fallen off the wagon'. but damnit, i've got a lot i'm dealing with here. and i don't want to be lumped into the population of people who toss their resolve about new year's resolutions out the window. because it's not really true...

if you'll remember, i had 5 resolutions:

1. run one race a month. still gonna happen.
   
   
2. lose 50 pounds. still doable even if the starting is slow. and really if i only lose 40 will i cry? heck no! :)
   
   
3. do one creative thing everyday, outside of work. i've kickstarted some projects and feel really good about this one.
   
   
4. save more money. so far, so good. we had to make some adjustments because of some snafus with patty's unemployment. and with the fed job off the horizon we've also had to change our state of mind and plan. but i think we now have a plan. and a plan b. :)
   
   
5. pray everyday. i'm doing pretty good on this. not everyday like i'd like, but i'm taking more time out when i'm stressed or relieved to write things out and talk to god.

so even thoough the whole food log/exercise everyday like a champ got put to the side for awhile, i'm confident they'll pick up again. it's an ebb and flow people. ebb and flow.

besides, january ain't over yet :)

cravings

yesterday morning got off to a bad start. they say mercury is in retrograde, so maybe that's it. patrick and i left the gym and he decided to stop off at mcdonalds drive thru for bfast. WTF? my stomach was grumbling holding his stupid delicious smelling breakfast while we drove home to my boring bowl of fiber cereal. then even though i had plenty of time to get ready for work, more time than i normally give myself, i couldn't find a thing to wear! how does having a totally full closert of clean clothes get me nothing to wear. *sigh* so i get to work a little late, my makeup looking less polished than i'd like.

running late always throws me off and the rest of the morning i was fighting off these horrible feelings of rage, anger, stress...maybe it was the adrenaline from having to race through my morning. i was just in the mood to either punch someone in the face or kick someone in the junk. and whenever i get in that mood, all i also want to do is eat. i had the most intense desire to eat a whole bag of jalapeno kettle chips dipped in sour cream. like i wanted to leave my desk, peel out in my car to the nearest store, purchase said items and just inhale them in my car. thinking about it made me feel better. but not being able to do it made me feel worse.

thankfully, i had some wherewithal and knew that these were just some crazy ass cravings coming from being really rushed and emotional this morning. i tried a handful of nuts to soothe the need for salt. no go. at some point in the morning i got a small bag of cheetos out of the vending machine. (which i realize i forgot to post in my food log. damn!) then finally at some point during the morning i busied myself enough to mostly forget about it and my mood felt much more even.

i had lunch about 45 minutes later than usual because the office was so busy. normally i go home for lunch, eat something there, visit with patrick and my dad, then come back home. but i wasn't in the mood for all that. sometimes going home for lunch stresses me out more just because i go from work, one space where people need me, to home, another space where people need me, back to work. i decided that after my morning, i needed a respite. and in the spirit of comforting myself, i turned to comfort food: philly cheesesteak with onions and peppers and mushrooms with french fries.

when i was done, i definitely felt more full than i had all week. not too terribly icky i feel sick full. but full. i figured the only way i could balance eating my lunch was to not have dinner. normally, i'm starved at 5 pm on the drive home but i felt full all the way until 6:30 pm. so i poured myself a glass of cabernet and debated my options.

in the meantime, patrick and i got into it about my parents and his parents getting on him about finding a job. i won't go into details, but it obviously wasn't happy talk. and i ride the fine line of showing tough love and wanting to crack the whip to seeing how broken up he is and wanting to comfort him. mostly i just wish i felt confident that he could handle this on his own. i don't want to deal with this situation that i can do nothing to help. and i wish that he could just suck it up, fight the good fight bravely instead of moping, and be more assertive and positive. in a lot of ways, sometimes i feel like the 'man' of the relationship and as feminist as i like to think i am, that's not what i want. is that wrong of me?

but back to food...i ended up getting legitimately hungry around 6:30, so i popped some brussel sprouts into the oven and that became my dinner. satisfying and guilt free.

i weighed myself last night, as i have every night this year, and was pleased to find i was down to 185.6. and this morning i'm down even more at 183.2 but that's an unofficial weight. we're all lighter in the mornings :) i weigh myself daily, a few times a day, just to keep me on track. seeing that number is a good constant reminder that i have to remain vigilant and make good choices constantly. when i see the scale moving in the right direction it's a great affirmation of the efforts i've made. and when it creeps up, for whatever reason, it reminds me to reign it in. so for now, it works. i'm sure when i'm down to my last 10 pounds the scale might become my enemy. for now, it's my ally.

happiest damn runner ever.

why must i be so friggin' goofy? :D

i am especially happy about the ponytail swooshing in the first picture. it's a new experience for me. makes me feel authentic.

but seriously, is it necessary for my legs to be so....um gigantic? like whoa. it's scary. maybe one day i will need to leg press a small automobile off of me to save my life.

beating insomnia

yesterday's news kinda threw us for a loop. the plan was to do the workout we missed in the am when i got home from work, but neither of us were really feeling it. nor were we feeling sleep either. at around 2 am we decided, eff it, let's go to the gym. patrick suggested we swim. a run was on on the schedule but i decided eff it. let's just have fun.

we spent about half an hour pool running, chatting, spending quality time together. the pool at the gym was practically empty save the cleaning lady and a random dude in the sauna. it was so nice. to have peace. and quiet. and space. empty space filled with just us. we capped the workout off with some time in the hot tub then we made our way home to have breakfast together. at around 4 am i was finally able to drift to sleep feeling a million times better.

these are the moments i love the best.

--------------

my scale hates me today. but it was to be expected. it was a pretty high carb day. and i ate waaaay too much of the chicken sloppy joe i made at lunch. must remember to eat slower. will reign it in tomorrow. we have a weights and run combo workout planned. must. kick. my. own. butt.

good news and bad news

the good news? i'm down 2 pounds. no reason for a parade just yet, though. i attribute the loss to no longer being on my period. (bloating is a bitch, yo.) i've also subconsciously adopted a low carb eating habit, so most of that is water weight loss. still, better up than down. and i give myself 2 snaps for at least being more aware of what i'm eating and how much. i've been better at curbing two of my worst eating traps.

1. craving something sweet to soothe stress and/or anxiety: there are periods of my workday that are super hectic and aspects of my workplace that drive me freaking nuts. normally during those times, i'd reach for a sugary treat to help me feel better. i now treat myself to a cup of tea sweetened very lightly with splenda. it's actually more soothing than a candy bar or cookies because of how warm and toasty it makes me feel. and it doesn't make me crash or feel fat afterward.
   
   
2. eating out of boredom at work: there are also periods of my workday that are so unbearably boring all i want to do is snack. for those times, i used to chomp on anything crunchy, salty or crispy all day long. it was pretty easy to mindlessly chow through a whole bag of chips. now, i bust out a handful of sunflower seeds still in the shell. it's a lot of work for a little food, even if seeds are packed with fat. the good kind, thankfully.

the bad news? we got a letter today saying patrick did not get the big bad fed job we've been after for almost a year now. initially, i was relieved. it meant we don't have to move and we don't have to be separated for the 7 months he would have been in training. and i knew in my heart of hearts he didn't really want this job. he was just doing it because it was going to provide a great salary and sweet benefits. mostly i was relieved that the wait was over. we finally knew, one way or another, our status. and i'm grateful that if he wasn't going to make it, it would be at this step and not him failing out during training. that would have been even more devastating to his psyche.

the bottom line is i think we're still in shock. as the news has had more time to sink in, i vacillate between feeling dissappointed, worried, hopeful, and grateful. we spent a lot of money travelling to the east coast twice. and we spent a lot of time wrapped up in this process. and most of our momentum had been channelled toward him getting it and moving our lives across the country. we've been on this crazy emotional rollercoaster and suddenly it just stopped. it was the light at the end of our unemployment tunnel. so now what?

i know that the only answer is to just forge ahead and step up alternative job efforts. it's in my nature to be positive and creative when it comes to problem solving. i wish i could say the same for patrick. i pray, pray, pray that my honey can remain positive and hopeful. i pray that this will ignite a fire in him to find something that he was truly meant for. i have faith that this decision was ultimately part of God's plan for us. but i also can't help but pray that he gets a great job now.