the title isn't very inviting, i'll admit. but it's kinda where my head's at. for a while now, i've been feeling so very uninspired. and restless.
i'm so sick of waiting to hear about what the hell is going to happen with patrick's job offer. until something does happen, we're stuck. in my parents' house. in my unfulfilling job. in this boring suburban town. it's driving me mad. i'm clawing at the walls trying to get out.
i'm ready to be making some real money, doing work i love, in a town with lots going on. i'm ready to make a home and start a future with my new sweetie.
i am so very sick of this place called limbo.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
my life as an engaged blogger
it's been a whirlwind couple of weeks and i finally have a second to sit. but only because my sinuses are so full right now i feel like my head might pop. it's a strange feeling to have clear and open nostrils but have so much pressure behind your nose and eyes. oh and constant icky postnasal drainage. ick.
anyway, you didn't come here for my snot status. you want to know how he did it! if you're following me on facebook (where i have been spending more of my time lately) you know the story. so for those of you who aren't:
we had just finished dinner on our first night in vegas and he said "we just finished a great meal, we're going to the top of eiffel tower, what else could make this night perfect?"
being the brat i am, i pointed to my then bare ring finger and said "THIS!"
then he said, "so are you the kind of girl who expects a man to get down on his knee?" and i said, "of course that's how it's done."
then i see him fumble with his napkin and he gets down on his knee with the ring and asks simply, "will you?"
for once, i was speechless. it all happened so fast! all i could do was nod as he slipped the ring on my finger. it took quite a while for it to finally feel real and at that point i couldn't stop kissing him. like i have never wanted to kiss someone as much in my entire life. there were no words, just kissing. and smiling. and tearing up. but lots of kissing.
the backstory to this:
we have been talking about getting married practically since we met. and he's asked me to marry him practically every day for the last 9 months. we started shopping for rings before christmas and after visiting several stores and trying on dozens of rings, we finally found one. things were dicey with his job, as you all know, so i didn't pressure him to buy it then. we just hoped it would still be there when he was ready. at that point, my job was done, and it was in his hands to decide when he would buy it and how he would propose. he said he has had a date in mind for a long time and that i had to wait.
then, around mother's day weekend, i get a call at work saying he needs me to go with him to the jewelry store after work. they sold the first ring we saw, but there were others he was contemplating and he wanted me to choose one. do you know how disappointing it is to wait 5 months, then have to go in select a new (better!) ring and not be able to WEAR it out of the store!!!!
grrrr...
several date possibilities went through my mind and when i asked if it would be on our anniversary he said, "no". and i said, "good because that would be totally cheesy"
but really, i was right. and he was mad that i had guessed correctly (even though i didn't know it)
so then he scrambled to think of another time, another way. especially after the whole 'i should have done it at the race' epiphany. though this part i didn't know, so i was very surprised he chose his birthday weekend because i thought for sure i'd have to hold out until july 5.
apparently, he had several ideas of how he wanted to propose while in vegas and all throughout the day he kept needing to find some way to slip away, whether it was he forgot something in the room, or in the car, or something or other. it was irritating the crap out of me but little did i know, he was just being OCD about making sure he still had the ring.
he thought he had finally settled on waiting til after dinner when we reached the eiffel tower, but i think the stress and excitement of it all just got to him and he couldn't contain himself any longer! so he kinda fumbled, stumbled, and just got it over with at dinner.
i will say that with all of my waiting i was expecting something a little more dramatic. only because he was so insistent on waiting for 'the right time'. initially, i think that's part of the reason i was so stunned when he asked. it was so non-chalant. my brain was probably thinking, 'this is what i was waiting for?'
this is not to say i'm disappointed. it was a little anti-climatic, but not in a bad way. because he definitely surprised me. and he rarely does. most of the time i can read him like a book, so i give him big props for pulling a fast one on me :) i thought for sure i'd be able to sense his nervousness or his anxiety. but i guess i was too wrapped up in being on vacation and planning stuff for his birthday that my radar on him wasn't as finely tuned.
as you all know, we've been doing some initial wedding planning already. i lobbied long and hard for waiting until 2011. there is no way on god green's earth i am committing to a wedding without both of us having jobs, no matter how much he's saved up. and no matter how sure he is he's gonna get this cap police job. i'm not counting my chickens before they hatch. we're gonna wait and do this right.
unless, of course, we elope. which is not entirely off the table. i think my family half expects us to. he was even willing to do it in vegas. all i had to do was say the word.
so who knows? my next post could be all about how i became mrs. sg one random summer weekend in tahoe. all i know is, i'm the luckiest woman in the whole wide world! i have never felt more wholly and completely loved.
anyway, you didn't come here for my snot status. you want to know how he did it! if you're following me on facebook (where i have been spending more of my time lately) you know the story. so for those of you who aren't:
we had just finished dinner on our first night in vegas and he said "we just finished a great meal, we're going to the top of eiffel tower, what else could make this night perfect?"
being the brat i am, i pointed to my then bare ring finger and said "THIS!"
then he said, "so are you the kind of girl who expects a man to get down on his knee?" and i said, "of course that's how it's done."
then i see him fumble with his napkin and he gets down on his knee with the ring and asks simply, "will you?"
for once, i was speechless. it all happened so fast! all i could do was nod as he slipped the ring on my finger. it took quite a while for it to finally feel real and at that point i couldn't stop kissing him. like i have never wanted to kiss someone as much in my entire life. there were no words, just kissing. and smiling. and tearing up. but lots of kissing.
the backstory to this:
we have been talking about getting married practically since we met. and he's asked me to marry him practically every day for the last 9 months. we started shopping for rings before christmas and after visiting several stores and trying on dozens of rings, we finally found one. things were dicey with his job, as you all know, so i didn't pressure him to buy it then. we just hoped it would still be there when he was ready. at that point, my job was done, and it was in his hands to decide when he would buy it and how he would propose. he said he has had a date in mind for a long time and that i had to wait.
then, around mother's day weekend, i get a call at work saying he needs me to go with him to the jewelry store after work. they sold the first ring we saw, but there were others he was contemplating and he wanted me to choose one. do you know how disappointing it is to wait 5 months, then have to go in select a new (better!) ring and not be able to WEAR it out of the store!!!!
grrrr...
several date possibilities went through my mind and when i asked if it would be on our anniversary he said, "no". and i said, "good because that would be totally cheesy"
but really, i was right. and he was mad that i had guessed correctly (even though i didn't know it)
so then he scrambled to think of another time, another way. especially after the whole 'i should have done it at the race' epiphany. though this part i didn't know, so i was very surprised he chose his birthday weekend because i thought for sure i'd have to hold out until july 5.
apparently, he had several ideas of how he wanted to propose while in vegas and all throughout the day he kept needing to find some way to slip away, whether it was he forgot something in the room, or in the car, or something or other. it was irritating the crap out of me but little did i know, he was just being OCD about making sure he still had the ring.
he thought he had finally settled on waiting til after dinner when we reached the eiffel tower, but i think the stress and excitement of it all just got to him and he couldn't contain himself any longer! so he kinda fumbled, stumbled, and just got it over with at dinner.
i will say that with all of my waiting i was expecting something a little more dramatic. only because he was so insistent on waiting for 'the right time'. initially, i think that's part of the reason i was so stunned when he asked. it was so non-chalant. my brain was probably thinking, 'this is what i was waiting for?'
this is not to say i'm disappointed. it was a little anti-climatic, but not in a bad way. because he definitely surprised me. and he rarely does. most of the time i can read him like a book, so i give him big props for pulling a fast one on me :) i thought for sure i'd be able to sense his nervousness or his anxiety. but i guess i was too wrapped up in being on vacation and planning stuff for his birthday that my radar on him wasn't as finely tuned.
as you all know, we've been doing some initial wedding planning already. i lobbied long and hard for waiting until 2011. there is no way on god green's earth i am committing to a wedding without both of us having jobs, no matter how much he's saved up. and no matter how sure he is he's gonna get this cap police job. i'm not counting my chickens before they hatch. we're gonna wait and do this right.
unless, of course, we elope. which is not entirely off the table. i think my family half expects us to. he was even willing to do it in vegas. all i had to do was say the word.
so who knows? my next post could be all about how i became mrs. sg one random summer weekend in tahoe. all i know is, i'm the luckiest woman in the whole wide world! i have never felt more wholly and completely loved.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Friday, June 05, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
the one where balls come flying at your face
day 3 of cross fit: run 400 meters, do 30 wall balls. repeat 2 more times.
i heard this was intense. i heard it would HURT like hell. sg didn't even finish his when he went last week.
everything i heard was true. running is hard enough. running after doing 30 squats and throwing a medicine ball up above your head at a wall is harder. doing it three times in a row? BAH!
it's a tough 15 minutes. and ugh, stupid "lara croft" had the camera on me while i ran in my second lap and i didn't know it til i got close. b!tch!
i work tonight and hope to crank out my final 2 introductory workouts in the next two days. thankfully i have the next two days off and while i'll punish my body for an hour each day, we have nothing but relaxation planned for the rest of our hours this weekend.
sg and i went on a mini vacay the last two days and i have plenty of pictures and stories to share. but like i said, i'm relaxing :)
i heard this was intense. i heard it would HURT like hell. sg didn't even finish his when he went last week.
everything i heard was true. running is hard enough. running after doing 30 squats and throwing a medicine ball up above your head at a wall is harder. doing it three times in a row? BAH!
it's a tough 15 minutes. and ugh, stupid "lara croft" had the camera on me while i ran in my second lap and i didn't know it til i got close. b!tch!
i work tonight and hope to crank out my final 2 introductory workouts in the next two days. thankfully i have the next two days off and while i'll punish my body for an hour each day, we have nothing but relaxation planned for the rest of our hours this weekend.
sg and i went on a mini vacay the last two days and i have plenty of pictures and stories to share. but like i said, i'm relaxing :)
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
avenue of the vine 5k - sg finishes his first 5k!
at the start line
happy racers!what put him over the edge was seeing a pregnant lady! running!
we talked about goals the night before, and since we hadn't had a dedicated training run in about a week and a half, we decided to just aim for our normal training time of 40 minutes. plus race day was gonna be HOT! like in the 70s at start time at 7 am hot.
i couldn't tell if he was nervous. i just think he was soaking it all in. and concentrating on sucking in his gut as people with 2% body fat walked by. he was fascinated by the sea of ridiculoulsy fit people. but i mentioned that there were normal people like us. and that everyone in between fit in too.
as for the actual race itself, we started off at a 2 min run, 1 min walk interval. after some time that switched to a 1 min run, 1 min walk interval. then it turned into a run when he could and walk when he could interval. though early on i told him to be aware of the people around us and lock on. find someone to pull you through. and towards the end, he did lock on and say "oh my god, we HAVE to beat her. promise me we'll beat her. and if i can't beat her, promise me YOU will" i said, " i'm not leaving you, we're beating her together"
i pushed. he cursed. i pushed. he took a breath, then poof, off he went. and we ran, ran ran. to the finish! just 30 seconds under his goal time! i even let him cross the finish line first ;)
it wasn't until later, after we had gotten our wine glasses and tastings, cooled off under the misting tent and were sitting in the air conditioning in the car eating watermelon that the thought occurred to him that the finish line was the perfect place to propose to me. what a missed opportunity!
but i said, "you've had the date in mind for a long time, i'm sure it's the right decision" while secretly thinking, "i could have the ring right now you buffoon!"
but in all seriousness, we had an awesome day! and while he's not itching for the next one, i am... :)
finishers are winners!Saturday, May 16, 2009
happiness is not a motivator
i've never done drugs or had to go to rehab for alcohol or anything. but if there was a food rehab, i'm certain i would have a clinic named after me. i have "dieted" practically my entire adult life, despite having pretty healthy habits as a teenager. did you know i never drank soda, let alone alcohol, or even ate chocolate as a kid!? we rarely had fast food growing up and for whatever reason i never really liked cakes or pastries or candy all that much. college opened up a pandora's box of all kinds of things and nowadays i have cravings for things i never even ate growing up.
i have gone up and down in weight so much the last 10 years i have clothes ranging from size 4 to 12. i can't ever get rid of any of them because i can't stay one size for more than a year. once i get down to a size i like, i get lax, in both diet and exercise and have to start the whole thing again once i start running out of clothes. and i'm embarrassed to say the last round of weight loss stemmed from me starting running as a way to get over my crappy ex boyfriend. about a year ago, i started gaining it back slowly.
i am now at my heaviest. shockingly, i am also at my happiest. which has more to do with personal growth and the fact that i am surrounded by my family and have the best boyfriend ever in the entire world. but being happy is not a good motivator for me to change how i look, even when the only thing i am unhappy with is my weight and how i look. i can tell you right now, if sg were to up and leave me suddenly, i would be on the treadmill day and night nonstop until i had whipped myself into the kind of shape he would regret ever leaving.
why is that?!
why can't i motivate myself with the same vigor in times of happiness? why do i covet other people's fit bodies, yet can't consistently find the motivation to do the same work they do? and after all i've learned why do i even bother comparing myself to others when i know it's not worth it? when will i ever find a happy medium between fit, healthy, and normal?
i have gone up and down in weight so much the last 10 years i have clothes ranging from size 4 to 12. i can't ever get rid of any of them because i can't stay one size for more than a year. once i get down to a size i like, i get lax, in both diet and exercise and have to start the whole thing again once i start running out of clothes. and i'm embarrassed to say the last round of weight loss stemmed from me starting running as a way to get over my crappy ex boyfriend. about a year ago, i started gaining it back slowly.
i am now at my heaviest. shockingly, i am also at my happiest. which has more to do with personal growth and the fact that i am surrounded by my family and have the best boyfriend ever in the entire world. but being happy is not a good motivator for me to change how i look, even when the only thing i am unhappy with is my weight and how i look. i can tell you right now, if sg were to up and leave me suddenly, i would be on the treadmill day and night nonstop until i had whipped myself into the kind of shape he would regret ever leaving.
why is that?!
why can't i motivate myself with the same vigor in times of happiness? why do i covet other people's fit bodies, yet can't consistently find the motivation to do the same work they do? and after all i've learned why do i even bother comparing myself to others when i know it's not worth it? when will i ever find a happy medium between fit, healthy, and normal?
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
lara croft? pshaw!
when patrick called to tell me how his workout went today he led off with this:
but i soldiered on. and of course ended up beating his time, so there! the warmup: run 430 m, 43 squats, 43 situps, 43 pushups, run 430 m. the WARM. UP. i got to halve the squats, situps and pushups part because it was only my second day and i had other work to do.
which was to do as many sets of 7 squat thrusters and 7 pushups in 7 minutes. i eked out 7 full sets and 1 squat thruster in 7 minutes and finished a total of 8 sets in 7:30. my trainer said at the end of my 7th set i was at 6:30 so he thinks i totally could have eked out a whole other set under the 7 minutes, but my mind had stopped after the end of he 7th set. i wish i would have known! it goes to show how much it really is a matter of mind over matter. and not that we're keeping score or anything, patrick did 5 and three quarters sets. ;P
we also joined in time to sign up for their biggest loser challenge. i figure as the newest newbies we have the most fitness to gain and weight to lose. the winner wins $100 and a free month. this may just be the thing to get my eating in check.
p.s. "lara croft" was a total butter face.
the head trainer's wife? she looks just like lara croft! you're much prettier, hon, but she's like a pint sized lara croft!well f*ck! i may as well dive into bed with a plate of cookies and beer and call it a night. and NOT invite patrick.
but i soldiered on. and of course ended up beating his time, so there! the warmup: run 430 m, 43 squats, 43 situps, 43 pushups, run 430 m. the WARM. UP. i got to halve the squats, situps and pushups part because it was only my second day and i had other work to do.
which was to do as many sets of 7 squat thrusters and 7 pushups in 7 minutes. i eked out 7 full sets and 1 squat thruster in 7 minutes and finished a total of 8 sets in 7:30. my trainer said at the end of my 7th set i was at 6:30 so he thinks i totally could have eked out a whole other set under the 7 minutes, but my mind had stopped after the end of he 7th set. i wish i would have known! it goes to show how much it really is a matter of mind over matter. and not that we're keeping score or anything, patrick did 5 and three quarters sets. ;P
we also joined in time to sign up for their biggest loser challenge. i figure as the newest newbies we have the most fitness to gain and weight to lose. the winner wins $100 and a free month. this may just be the thing to get my eating in check.
p.s. "lara croft" was a total butter face.
i knew this would happen
yesterday, i decided to take a rest day because i was pretty sore. in the back of my mind i knew it would suck more today.
and, of course, it does.
and i'm at the time of the month where mentally, i can barely hang on. so yeah, it should be good times tonight at crossfit.
but i'm treating myself to a beer afterwards. i don't care what anyone says.
and, of course, it does.
and i'm at the time of the month where mentally, i can barely hang on. so yeah, it should be good times tonight at crossfit.
but i'm treating myself to a beer afterwards. i don't care what anyone says.
Monday, May 11, 2009
8:37
that's how long it took me to finish workout 1 of crossfit. 500 m rowing, 40 squats, 30 sit ups, 20 pushups and 10 pullups.
PULL. UPS.
i've entered a crazy upside down world where i actually do pull ups.
sg hung in there and finished, but not before he paid respects to the puke bin while everyone cheered him on. he's famous already! poor guy has his work cut out for him. but i think this is a good environment for him to grow. he can go with me. he can go without me. either way he has lots of guidance and support.
PULL. UPS.
i've entered a crazy upside down world where i actually do pull ups.
sg hung in there and finished, but not before he paid respects to the puke bin while everyone cheered him on. he's famous already! poor guy has his work cut out for him. but i think this is a good environment for him to grow. he can go with me. he can go without me. either way he has lots of guidance and support.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
taking a step back
discussions aren't going well on the wedding talk front. there's a whole lot more to the issue that i'm too tired to talk about. especially when i think i've come to the conclusion that this means we're not ready to get married yet. which i'm fine with. i know we had a timeline in mind, but there's no sense in rushing things when i think all signs point to slowing down. i waited 30 years to finally meet him, i think we can wait to get married while we focus on you know, being a couple.
and the first order of business is for us to be out of my parents' house and self-sufficient. i think being unemployed has taken a toll on patrick and on us. his last job at williams-sonoma was the first job he has ever felt proud about. since he graduated college he has suffered and stumbled through a variety of bad jobs and unemployment. leaving alabama three years ago was the best thing he ever did for himself or his career, but now he has to start all over again.
now is not the time to think about a wedding.
and well, to be honest, i have some reservations. i have doubts on how well he can handle adversity. will he rise to the occasion and do whatever is necessary or will he shrink and shrivel and hide? without going into too much detail, it's hard for me to tell.
i don't think he's ever really been challenged. and in the past when faced with stress or adversity, he resorts to escapism (ie: video games) because it gives him some sense of control. he never really did well in school and isn't particularly ambitious. for months he felt stressed about losing his job and i implored him to look for other work while he had a job. but it wasn't until he was laid off and forced to look for work that he did.
a much older friend of mine has said to me that she thinks i do too much for him. for all intents and purposes, i was his headhunter, contacting everyone i knew about leads, scouring the internet for jobs and information. i've become his trainer. his nutritionist. and practically his sole social outlet, especially now that he's not working.
and it has come to a point where it's just too much. these are things i think an adult should handle for themselves. being supportive doesn't mean doing it for him.
when he is faced with an obstacle, i've seen him get upset, frustrated and want to give up. he hates when he's not in control and he just has no desire to be out of his comfort zone. i don't think he has the humility to accept not knowing how to do everything. i don't think he has the coping skills to deal with it. to have hope, or positivity, or come up with a different solution. i think he lets adversity beat him down. i don't think he's learned to be resillient.
that being said, i think this capitol police job and the training required to get it, is exactly what he needs to boost his confidence and give him a new set of skills, professionally and personally. i have to believe that there really is a fighter inside who can learn to grit through pain and discomfort and succeed at something. he sees this as his only chance. his academic record is a joke, his professional record, he feels is a joke, and he has no other idea what he wants to do with his life. and when he says stuff like that to me i do wonder, why would you want me to marry you?
i have a tendency of seeing the best in people, trusting in them too quickly and too fiercely. and while i know for certain that he loves me and that he will treat me affectionately and lovingly my entire life and make me laugh the entire time, i need more. i need to know he can stand up as a partner.
there are times i know he gets down on himself because he feels i'm smarter than him, faster, stronger, better. but i guess the girls he dated in the past i guess weren't as accomplished, not that i'm a rocket scientist all-star. and i always tell him, i wasn't born this way. i have had to learn a lot. and teach myself a lot. if i can do it, you can do it. the only difference between me and him is that i had a desire to learn more and i didn't let anything stop me until i got to where i wanted to go.
how he and we handle the next few months will decide a lot.
and the first order of business is for us to be out of my parents' house and self-sufficient. i think being unemployed has taken a toll on patrick and on us. his last job at williams-sonoma was the first job he has ever felt proud about. since he graduated college he has suffered and stumbled through a variety of bad jobs and unemployment. leaving alabama three years ago was the best thing he ever did for himself or his career, but now he has to start all over again.
now is not the time to think about a wedding.
and well, to be honest, i have some reservations. i have doubts on how well he can handle adversity. will he rise to the occasion and do whatever is necessary or will he shrink and shrivel and hide? without going into too much detail, it's hard for me to tell.
i don't think he's ever really been challenged. and in the past when faced with stress or adversity, he resorts to escapism (ie: video games) because it gives him some sense of control. he never really did well in school and isn't particularly ambitious. for months he felt stressed about losing his job and i implored him to look for other work while he had a job. but it wasn't until he was laid off and forced to look for work that he did.
a much older friend of mine has said to me that she thinks i do too much for him. for all intents and purposes, i was his headhunter, contacting everyone i knew about leads, scouring the internet for jobs and information. i've become his trainer. his nutritionist. and practically his sole social outlet, especially now that he's not working.
and it has come to a point where it's just too much. these are things i think an adult should handle for themselves. being supportive doesn't mean doing it for him.
when he is faced with an obstacle, i've seen him get upset, frustrated and want to give up. he hates when he's not in control and he just has no desire to be out of his comfort zone. i don't think he has the humility to accept not knowing how to do everything. i don't think he has the coping skills to deal with it. to have hope, or positivity, or come up with a different solution. i think he lets adversity beat him down. i don't think he's learned to be resillient.
that being said, i think this capitol police job and the training required to get it, is exactly what he needs to boost his confidence and give him a new set of skills, professionally and personally. i have to believe that there really is a fighter inside who can learn to grit through pain and discomfort and succeed at something. he sees this as his only chance. his academic record is a joke, his professional record, he feels is a joke, and he has no other idea what he wants to do with his life. and when he says stuff like that to me i do wonder, why would you want me to marry you?
i have a tendency of seeing the best in people, trusting in them too quickly and too fiercely. and while i know for certain that he loves me and that he will treat me affectionately and lovingly my entire life and make me laugh the entire time, i need more. i need to know he can stand up as a partner.
there are times i know he gets down on himself because he feels i'm smarter than him, faster, stronger, better. but i guess the girls he dated in the past i guess weren't as accomplished, not that i'm a rocket scientist all-star. and i always tell him, i wasn't born this way. i have had to learn a lot. and teach myself a lot. if i can do it, you can do it. the only difference between me and him is that i had a desire to learn more and i didn't let anything stop me until i got to where i wanted to go.
how he and we handle the next few months will decide a lot.
Friday, May 08, 2009
wedding plans
ok before i go further, we are not yet engaged. trust me i would have alerted ya'll like seconds after it happened. but we're close and while he has not told me when he's gonna pop the question, we do have an idea of when and where we'd like to get married. and since that date will roll around in about a year, i told him we need to start planning anyhow.
so...the deets: summerish 2010, somewhere tropical, probably on a carribbean island at an all inclusive resort. we've set a budget of $20,000 since we'll be paying for this ourselves.
what we can't agree on is the number of people we will invite.
the core, bare bones is at 20. my parents and his. my 2 brothers and 2 sisters in law and nephew. my maid of honor and her mom. my matron of honor and her husband. his best friend. another of his close friends and his wife, her mom, and their daughter.
smallest wedding, ever right? but we thought, we'll have two receptions in the states, one in california and one in alabama to invite all the people who don't come to the real deal. sounds reasonable and i guess i can live with this but...
i would love to have my cousins there. and my aunts and uncles. and i KNOW i will get shit form them if they aren't invited. and i KNOW they'll even offer to pay their share to make it. and for me, it's hard to argue for them not to be invited. hell, i want them there!
but. patrick doesn't feel it's fair. his extended family (who he doesn't even see but once a year) can't afford to come and/or is physically incapable of making the trip. so if they can't come, i guess he feels my extra peeps can't come either. even if it isn't going to cost us any more money.
i find this absolutely ridiculous. and i feel like just because life has "punished" him, he feels i need to be equally "punished" as well. i don't understand how in this instance the more the merrier isn't a good thing. he's an only child. who grew up on the other side of alabama as the rest of his family. so he doesn't get that my cousins feel like brothers and sisters to me because we all grew up together. it pains me just as much to NOT invite them as it pains him to know even if we did invite the rest of his family they couldn't come for whatever reason.
the alternative is to have the wedding in alabama (BARF!) where everyone can be invited. which even then, i couldn't invite everyone because my family far outnumbers his and i know for a FACT that he'll be up in arms about my side being bigger. but i can't help it! we're catholic! we're filipino! we make big families! and even then, paying for a wedding of that size is not possible.
i guess in the end, we are going to have to stick to our original plan of just 20 people. even though i think it is ridiulous to exclude people who are willing to pay their own way to attend. am i totally off the mark in thinking this?
so...the deets: summerish 2010, somewhere tropical, probably on a carribbean island at an all inclusive resort. we've set a budget of $20,000 since we'll be paying for this ourselves.
what we can't agree on is the number of people we will invite.
the core, bare bones is at 20. my parents and his. my 2 brothers and 2 sisters in law and nephew. my maid of honor and her mom. my matron of honor and her husband. his best friend. another of his close friends and his wife, her mom, and their daughter.
smallest wedding, ever right? but we thought, we'll have two receptions in the states, one in california and one in alabama to invite all the people who don't come to the real deal. sounds reasonable and i guess i can live with this but...
i would love to have my cousins there. and my aunts and uncles. and i KNOW i will get shit form them if they aren't invited. and i KNOW they'll even offer to pay their share to make it. and for me, it's hard to argue for them not to be invited. hell, i want them there!
but. patrick doesn't feel it's fair. his extended family (who he doesn't even see but once a year) can't afford to come and/or is physically incapable of making the trip. so if they can't come, i guess he feels my extra peeps can't come either. even if it isn't going to cost us any more money.
i find this absolutely ridiculous. and i feel like just because life has "punished" him, he feels i need to be equally "punished" as well. i don't understand how in this instance the more the merrier isn't a good thing. he's an only child. who grew up on the other side of alabama as the rest of his family. so he doesn't get that my cousins feel like brothers and sisters to me because we all grew up together. it pains me just as much to NOT invite them as it pains him to know even if we did invite the rest of his family they couldn't come for whatever reason.
the alternative is to have the wedding in alabama (BARF!) where everyone can be invited. which even then, i couldn't invite everyone because my family far outnumbers his and i know for a FACT that he'll be up in arms about my side being bigger. but i can't help it! we're catholic! we're filipino! we make big families! and even then, paying for a wedding of that size is not possible.
i guess in the end, we are going to have to stick to our original plan of just 20 people. even though i think it is ridiulous to exclude people who are willing to pay their own way to attend. am i totally off the mark in thinking this?
Friday, May 01, 2009
we've only just begun
so ever since my current job cut back on my hours months and months and months ago, i've been looking for a part-time gig to supplement my income. i finally got one that required no commute and would give me the hours i wanted, but wouldn't you know it, it's been picking up at the office. i've worked more hours this week than i have in over 9 months. funny how that happens, eh? but i'm not one to turn down money, especially since i've had to pare down for the majority of the year. it will be nice to finally start making bigger payments to the credit card companies again. i'll only be waiting tables twice a week and my first shift was tonight and man oh man am i getting too old for this. we did our speed workout this morning since last night we were busy and tomorrow morning we have our long run. and i get to work another shift.
i see many foot massages in my future.
i'm also gearing up to take another summer class. i was thinking of taking 2 then i remembered, oh yeah i'm running a marathon in the fall. overnight my leisurely 32 hour work week lifestyle has ramped up to a 50 hour work with with school and many miles of training per week.
and you know what? it feels good. i would much rather be too busy being productive than have so much free time that i feel lazy. the achiness in my feet feels good. and having numerous golas to focus on feels even better.
as for our speed workout today, we nixed driving all the way to the track since we only had an hour to get everything in. i plotted out a quarter mile stretch of road in the neighborhod and we ran and walked that back and forth. my 400s went like this: 2:23, 2:08, 2:10. getting faster overall, yes. but not negative splits. for whatever reason, running a straightaway 400 was easier than running a loop. and i could feel that i wasn't running my hardest, so next time i'll have to push more. and yes, i totally beat my boyfriend. i feel bad bc i know it messes with his mind. but this will probably be the only time i am ever faster than him, so i'm gonna enjoy it.
we did our pushups and situps too. and honestly, i did what was asked of me and a little more. and i only stopped because i was bored and not tired. well and i was crunched for time, but. i need a more effective and challengin way to get my core work done.
oh and more good news! i'm down 4.4 pounds for a total of 6 pounds from my heaviest. the weight loss has been slow, but steady. and while i'm definitely making concerted efforts to make every meal healthier, i haven't felt too much deprivation or angst. mango orange banana vivannos with matcha from starbucks certainly help with that! :)
i see many foot massages in my future.
i'm also gearing up to take another summer class. i was thinking of taking 2 then i remembered, oh yeah i'm running a marathon in the fall. overnight my leisurely 32 hour work week lifestyle has ramped up to a 50 hour work with with school and many miles of training per week.
and you know what? it feels good. i would much rather be too busy being productive than have so much free time that i feel lazy. the achiness in my feet feels good. and having numerous golas to focus on feels even better.
as for our speed workout today, we nixed driving all the way to the track since we only had an hour to get everything in. i plotted out a quarter mile stretch of road in the neighborhod and we ran and walked that back and forth. my 400s went like this: 2:23, 2:08, 2:10. getting faster overall, yes. but not negative splits. for whatever reason, running a straightaway 400 was easier than running a loop. and i could feel that i wasn't running my hardest, so next time i'll have to push more. and yes, i totally beat my boyfriend. i feel bad bc i know it messes with his mind. but this will probably be the only time i am ever faster than him, so i'm gonna enjoy it.
we did our pushups and situps too. and honestly, i did what was asked of me and a little more. and i only stopped because i was bored and not tired. well and i was crunched for time, but. i need a more effective and challengin way to get my core work done.
oh and more good news! i'm down 4.4 pounds for a total of 6 pounds from my heaviest. the weight loss has been slow, but steady. and while i'm definitely making concerted efforts to make every meal healthier, i haven't felt too much deprivation or angst. mango orange banana vivannos with matcha from starbucks certainly help with that! :)
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
despite progress, i still need to bitch.
if you thought that was a lot of info about my latest running purchases, wait til you hear about our workouts!
the week leading up to easter, we were totally on the ball with our workouts and diet. then come easter weekend we fell, more like crashed, off the wagon. something about holiday weekends and celebrating with family brings out the glutton in us. but here's the easter miracle: we felt AWFUL on monday and learned a valuable lesson about how our minds and bodies feel after binge eating and no exercise. since then whenever we entertain the thought of skipping a workout or indulging in a treat, we remind ourselves of Easter Monday and we're quickly back on track again.
i'm finding that having a set plan for every day of the week has helped keep us accountable. it also helps to see our week written down so we can easily shuffle things around if need be. patrick has even agreed to early morning workouts when we have had to plan other things for the evening! so while we have had to shift some days around, we haven't yet missed a long run or a speed workout.
i've even devised a run workout to replace one of our easy days. it's a :30 run/walk interval over the course of 2 miles. i figure it splits the difference between endurance and speed. the other day we even ran/walked the distance before our shred workout!
all in all, i'm pretty pleased with the way things are progressing though i do have a few things i need to bitch and vent about...
the week leading up to easter, we were totally on the ball with our workouts and diet. then come easter weekend we fell, more like crashed, off the wagon. something about holiday weekends and celebrating with family brings out the glutton in us. but here's the easter miracle: we felt AWFUL on monday and learned a valuable lesson about how our minds and bodies feel after binge eating and no exercise. since then whenever we entertain the thought of skipping a workout or indulging in a treat, we remind ourselves of Easter Monday and we're quickly back on track again.
i'm finding that having a set plan for every day of the week has helped keep us accountable. it also helps to see our week written down so we can easily shuffle things around if need be. patrick has even agreed to early morning workouts when we have had to plan other things for the evening! so while we have had to shift some days around, we haven't yet missed a long run or a speed workout.
i've even devised a run workout to replace one of our easy days. it's a :30 run/walk interval over the course of 2 miles. i figure it splits the difference between endurance and speed. the other day we even ran/walked the distance before our shred workout!
all in all, i'm pretty pleased with the way things are progressing though i do have a few things i need to bitch and vent about...
- i miss my workout time as my alone time. i miss having an escape. as patrick's unofficial coach, i carry the burden of motivating him. i'm responsible for setting the schedule, picking the venue, waking him up, and all the logistical details like bringing water and planning pre and post workout meals. it's become a job. and while the accountability to another person has helped my consistency, it has sapped some of my enjoyment.
- patrick whines a lot. and i'm sick of it. i not only have to motivate myself but motivate him and his constant whining makes it that much harder. "i'm tired. i'm cold. i'm hot. i hate this. i can't do it. it's too hard" i want to knock him upside the head and say "HARDEN THE FUCK UP ALREADY!" it's called working out because it's WORK! if you want to be a baby, then you'll have a baby's body. if you want a man's body, fucking take it like a man.
- getting him to eat healthy food is excruciating. he is constantly dwelling on what he can't eat rather than trying to come up with healthy alternatives. he'd rather eat nothing than modify his favorite foods. he knows little about nutrition and has done little to educate himself. sometimes for fear of eating something unhealthy he eats nothing. he would rather rely on me as the keeper of his diet. which would be fine if he ate what i would eat. but the list of fruits and vegetables he likes is limited to very little. it's hard for me to cook a varied menu based on his limited arsenal of palatable foods. and don't even get me started on telling him to cook for himself. he is the king of frozen pizza and takeout. he refuses to cook in the kitchen without me for fear of screwing things up.
- he's also very negative. he's constantly on himself about how he's not fast enough or not losing enough weight or how he's not going to be ready in time or any multitide of things. it takes a lot of coaxing on my part to get him out of his bad mood. i tell him it's hard enough as it is without your own voice telling you you can't do things. and while it's normal to feel these things, you have to learn how to turn them around and keep on chugging. while i enjoy being supportive, it's hard work.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
stiumlating the economy at my local neighborhood running store
omg people, so much has been going on here. but before i recap our workouts back at easter i have to tell you guys about my recent purchases!!!!!!!
the local running store was hosting a "ladies night" with food, nuun-tinis, massages, fitness demonstrations, bra fittings, raffle prizes, etc. and since it has been a year since i got new shoes and i have gained a considerable amount of weight thought it was the perfect opportunity for me to get outfitted from head to toe.
i got some new shoes that feel amazing. in the 4 or so years i've been running, i have yet to be outfitted in the same pair of shoes twice. my new pair are saucony progrid 7
which is a stability shoe. i've gone through 3 different motion control shoes, 2 i wore with orthotics to a neutral shoe with orthotics. we're hoping it splits the difference from being over supported to under supported. and they feel even wider than my last pair, so my feet should be good to go. for now, these shoes feel like a dream!
i also got fitted for a sports bra. not only were my bras old but they had gotten too small (or more accurately, i had gotten too big). they got me fitted in a MUCH larger bra and even i was shocked at the size she gave me. i must have tried on 6 or 7 different bras, in different styles, some that i couldn't even figure out how to put on without two other hands to help. but we found one that fit like a dream: the dori bra from moving comfort. the girls are fully supported without any uniboob action. the $40 price tag was steep, but it's cheaper than the boob job i'll need if i don't get proper support. my sister in law was lucky enough to WIN a bra during the night. all i won was a pair of balega running socks and a miraculous feet cd of south african music! i can't really complain because i love balega socks, but i already have more than enough socks!
but what i am most excited about are the SKINS COMPRESSION SOCKS i got. HOLY MOTHER MARY OF GOD ARE THESE THE BEST THINGS EVER!!! i have been having serious shin and calf pain from not only running, but from days of being on my feet all day. i got to the store at 7 pm and i had already done my long run and been at the beach all day in flip flops. the salesgirl at the store actually had her socks on and she raved about how she wears them for recovery after hard workouts and when she's on the sales floor all day long. so for the low, low price of $45 (ha!) i got a pair of my own. i put them on as soon as i got home and within the hour, i could not stop raving about how good my calves and shins felt. no more pain at all! i expected the compression to feel more tight, but it wasn't at all uncomfortable. and i'm serious when i say that the muscle pain just disappeared! they are a litle dorky looking, especially with the little stirrup at the bottom to hook around your heel, but i just tucked that part under the hem. and under tights no once can tell. and they are really only meant to be worn on recovery workouts or at home while recovering. so hiding them under pants is easy. and for how good they made my calves and shins feel, i honestly don't care how dorky they look. these may just replace the post long run ice bath.
though some of the recovery could also be from the new massage stick i got.
this sucker can reach and work any muscle. it's easy to apply the right amount of pressure to any area without it getting tiring. i rolled it over my calves, my shins, the bottoms of my feet, my quads, hips, back, neck. definitely worth the $35 price tag. especially since i can't afford to get a nice massage after every hard workout. i was most surprised and impressed with how well it worked with such little effort on my part.
so yeah, i definitely broke the bank last night, but all my purchases rate very high on the satisfaction scale. and i won socks and got a whole bunch of other goodies for going.
though the best part is probably that i now look forward to working out so i can use all this great new stuff!
the local running store was hosting a "ladies night" with food, nuun-tinis, massages, fitness demonstrations, bra fittings, raffle prizes, etc. and since it has been a year since i got new shoes and i have gained a considerable amount of weight thought it was the perfect opportunity for me to get outfitted from head to toe.
i got some new shoes that feel amazing. in the 4 or so years i've been running, i have yet to be outfitted in the same pair of shoes twice. my new pair are saucony progrid 7
which is a stability shoe. i've gone through 3 different motion control shoes, 2 i wore with orthotics to a neutral shoe with orthotics. we're hoping it splits the difference from being over supported to under supported. and they feel even wider than my last pair, so my feet should be good to go. for now, these shoes feel like a dream!i also got fitted for a sports bra. not only were my bras old but they had gotten too small (or more accurately, i had gotten too big). they got me fitted in a MUCH larger bra and even i was shocked at the size she gave me. i must have tried on 6 or 7 different bras, in different styles, some that i couldn't even figure out how to put on without two other hands to help. but we found one that fit like a dream: the dori bra from moving comfort. the girls are fully supported without any uniboob action. the $40 price tag was steep, but it's cheaper than the boob job i'll need if i don't get proper support. my sister in law was lucky enough to WIN a bra during the night. all i won was a pair of balega running socks and a miraculous feet cd of south african music! i can't really complain because i love balega socks, but i already have more than enough socks!
but what i am most excited about are the SKINS COMPRESSION SOCKS i got. HOLY MOTHER MARY OF GOD ARE THESE THE BEST THINGS EVER!!! i have been having serious shin and calf pain from not only running, but from days of being on my feet all day. i got to the store at 7 pm and i had already done my long run and been at the beach all day in flip flops. the salesgirl at the store actually had her socks on and she raved about how she wears them for recovery after hard workouts and when she's on the sales floor all day long. so for the low, low price of $45 (ha!) i got a pair of my own. i put them on as soon as i got home and within the hour, i could not stop raving about how good my calves and shins felt. no more pain at all! i expected the compression to feel more tight, but it wasn't at all uncomfortable. and i'm serious when i say that the muscle pain just disappeared! they are a litle dorky looking, especially with the little stirrup at the bottom to hook around your heel, but i just tucked that part under the hem. and under tights no once can tell. and they are really only meant to be worn on recovery workouts or at home while recovering. so hiding them under pants is easy. and for how good they made my calves and shins feel, i honestly don't care how dorky they look. these may just replace the post long run ice bath.
though some of the recovery could also be from the new massage stick i got.
this sucker can reach and work any muscle. it's easy to apply the right amount of pressure to any area without it getting tiring. i rolled it over my calves, my shins, the bottoms of my feet, my quads, hips, back, neck. definitely worth the $35 price tag. especially since i can't afford to get a nice massage after every hard workout. i was most surprised and impressed with how well it worked with such little effort on my part. so yeah, i definitely broke the bank last night, but all my purchases rate very high on the satisfaction scale. and i won socks and got a whole bunch of other goodies for going.
though the best part is probably that i now look forward to working out so i can use all this great new stuff!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
the male ego
5 days in a row we've worked out. the last three days containing sets of pushups and situps. yet i STILL managed to eke out nearly double the reps today than what i did on monday. despite being sore. woot! i don't know what's gotten into me.
though it could explain why sg is a little grumpy.
he thinks i always try to outdo him. and well, i kinda do. i'm not particularly competitive, but with him i am. i don't want him to feel bad but at the same time i just can't stand letting him beat me. i had the advantage this week though. he wanted to go first. so all i had to do was mentally prepare myself to do better than him. is it my fault i went above AND beyond?
i told him next time i'd go first. that way he can't accuse me of anything. but how do i make him not feel bad if i do better?
though it could explain why sg is a little grumpy.
he thinks i always try to outdo him. and well, i kinda do. i'm not particularly competitive, but with him i am. i don't want him to feel bad but at the same time i just can't stand letting him beat me. i had the advantage this week though. he wanted to go first. so all i had to do was mentally prepare myself to do better than him. is it my fault i went above AND beyond?
i told him next time i'd go first. that way he can't accuse me of anything. but how do i make him not feel bad if i do better?
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
400s
part of sg's physical fitness test requires him to run a mile and a half in at least 14 minutes. for most people i'm sure that's easy. for him and me? not so much. but we're workin' on it.
i figured he had to average 2:2o per lap to eke in right at 14:00. he ran his first lap in just under 2:00. then we walked a lap. then he ran his next 400m in 2:19. we walked a lap. his final running lap clocked in at 2:31, making his total time somewhere around 19 minutes. not too bad. not too great. but at least we have a benchmark.
he now knows what it feels like to run at a certain speed. he now knows how to pace himself. and how to push himself. and i have no doubt that he will do totally awesome in the coming weeks. it was such a thrill to be on the inside of the track, yelling and cheering, and running alongside him.
until it was my turn. boo. i ran my first 400 in 2:21, ran my second in 2:21, and ran my final lap at 2:27. pretty consistent. though not surprising since i really only have one speed at this point. but i will have to say, i would have never dragged my ass out to the track to do this workout alone. i guess there is something to this whole teamwork thing :)
we capped last night's workout with day 1, week 1 of the situps and pushups challenge.
today we did another shred workout. we're still on level 1 but we're both making pretty big gains. he can finish the whole workout and i can tell he's pushing himself. at one point, he took his shirt off because he was hot and of course i turned into a pile of girly goo. i lost all concentration, totally disctracted by his flexing, sweaty bod.
whoo! gets me hot just thinking about it now...
i figured he had to average 2:2o per lap to eke in right at 14:00. he ran his first lap in just under 2:00. then we walked a lap. then he ran his next 400m in 2:19. we walked a lap. his final running lap clocked in at 2:31, making his total time somewhere around 19 minutes. not too bad. not too great. but at least we have a benchmark.
he now knows what it feels like to run at a certain speed. he now knows how to pace himself. and how to push himself. and i have no doubt that he will do totally awesome in the coming weeks. it was such a thrill to be on the inside of the track, yelling and cheering, and running alongside him.
until it was my turn. boo. i ran my first 400 in 2:21, ran my second in 2:21, and ran my final lap at 2:27. pretty consistent. though not surprising since i really only have one speed at this point. but i will have to say, i would have never dragged my ass out to the track to do this workout alone. i guess there is something to this whole teamwork thing :)
we capped last night's workout with day 1, week 1 of the situps and pushups challenge.
today we did another shred workout. we're still on level 1 but we're both making pretty big gains. he can finish the whole workout and i can tell he's pushing himself. at one point, he took his shirt off because he was hot and of course i turned into a pile of girly goo. i lost all concentration, totally disctracted by his flexing, sweaty bod.
whoo! gets me hot just thinking about it now...
Monday, April 13, 2009
a new resolve
dudes! i totally forgot to tell you! sg and i are actually, for realsie, signed up for a 5k. not just talked about doing one. but actually for realsie signed up. like we paid the money and everything. it's sunday may 17 and the course starts at the woodbridge winery in lodi.
i know we've been on and off and on and off the let's get in shape bandwagon for months now. but i think finally we're on track. i made actual training logs in a notebook and wrote down all of our workouts from now til then. we're keeping daily track of our meals and our weight. our first endurance workout was last saturday at the arboretum in davis where we walked/ran (walk 4/run 1) a shady 3.5 miles in 45 minutes. we really liked the trail and will do all of our "long runs" there, with an eye to slowly increase our running portion and decrease or walking portion. he'll get used to the distance and pacing himself and he knows for a fact that he can finish. now all we have to do is watch ourselves improve.
though last night we went on our easy 2 mile walk and had a huge fight. we had just gotten back from my family's easter party and he asked, "why do you lament so much about being 'fat' and 'ugly' yet you continue to eat the things you know you shouldn't? it makes you so sad and i wonder why someone who knows what she should be doing, doesn't do it."
and of course i got defensive and said, "i don't want to talk about it"
but he pressed on saying, "look when you get upset, i get upset. i hate seeing you get down on yourself about this. and you take your sadness and anger and take it out on me. so i want to know what i can do to help you."
to which i firmly said (maybe kinda sorta said really loudly), "i didn't ask for your help. it's my issue. i don't want to deal with it you. i don't want to have to admit to my boyfriend that i am too fat and lazy to do anything about being too fat and lazy! i don't want your help. i'll deal with it on my own!"
he stormed off. i stormed off. and i seethed. i already felt bad enough, i didn't need my boyfriend telling me i'm weak. and a hypocrite. i was furious.
eventually, we met up on the way home and i said, "look, i know you always want to help because you love me and i will always resist because i just have this streak in me that wants to do things by myself and somehow we're gonna have to meet in the middle"
and he said, "for the most part, i let you do what you want to do, how you want to do it, and when you want to do it. with the exception of you cutting up your credit card, you haven't changed anything about how you do anything. i didn't bring this up to criticize you or make you feel bad because i love you. everything about you. i've been down the same road before and seen my parents go through it. it's okay to accept my help. and it's not an indication that you are weak. we can do this together."
and i softened. because i knew that i wasn't mad at him. i was mad at the mirror he was putting in front of me. he was making me admit i had bad habits. he was making me admit i was being a hypocrite. i was in denial for so long, acting like i could eat and do whatever i wanted, because i just didn't want to face the truth: that i got to the size i am now through horrible eating habits and pure laziness. and that the road to health and fitness is never easy. and that i can't to everything myself.
as much as i hated admitting to it, i was grateful for it. i felt so tiny and to some degree ashamed of not being able to take care of myself, yet he loved me and even offered his support and love.
from then on, it solidified to me that this was going to be a team effort. and a new resolve, for both of us, has sunk in.
i know we've been on and off and on and off the let's get in shape bandwagon for months now. but i think finally we're on track. i made actual training logs in a notebook and wrote down all of our workouts from now til then. we're keeping daily track of our meals and our weight. our first endurance workout was last saturday at the arboretum in davis where we walked/ran (walk 4/run 1) a shady 3.5 miles in 45 minutes. we really liked the trail and will do all of our "long runs" there, with an eye to slowly increase our running portion and decrease or walking portion. he'll get used to the distance and pacing himself and he knows for a fact that he can finish. now all we have to do is watch ourselves improve.
though last night we went on our easy 2 mile walk and had a huge fight. we had just gotten back from my family's easter party and he asked, "why do you lament so much about being 'fat' and 'ugly' yet you continue to eat the things you know you shouldn't? it makes you so sad and i wonder why someone who knows what she should be doing, doesn't do it."
and of course i got defensive and said, "i don't want to talk about it"
but he pressed on saying, "look when you get upset, i get upset. i hate seeing you get down on yourself about this. and you take your sadness and anger and take it out on me. so i want to know what i can do to help you."
to which i firmly said (maybe kinda sorta said really loudly), "i didn't ask for your help. it's my issue. i don't want to deal with it you. i don't want to have to admit to my boyfriend that i am too fat and lazy to do anything about being too fat and lazy! i don't want your help. i'll deal with it on my own!"
he stormed off. i stormed off. and i seethed. i already felt bad enough, i didn't need my boyfriend telling me i'm weak. and a hypocrite. i was furious.
eventually, we met up on the way home and i said, "look, i know you always want to help because you love me and i will always resist because i just have this streak in me that wants to do things by myself and somehow we're gonna have to meet in the middle"
and he said, "for the most part, i let you do what you want to do, how you want to do it, and when you want to do it. with the exception of you cutting up your credit card, you haven't changed anything about how you do anything. i didn't bring this up to criticize you or make you feel bad because i love you. everything about you. i've been down the same road before and seen my parents go through it. it's okay to accept my help. and it's not an indication that you are weak. we can do this together."
and i softened. because i knew that i wasn't mad at him. i was mad at the mirror he was putting in front of me. he was making me admit i had bad habits. he was making me admit i was being a hypocrite. i was in denial for so long, acting like i could eat and do whatever i wanted, because i just didn't want to face the truth: that i got to the size i am now through horrible eating habits and pure laziness. and that the road to health and fitness is never easy. and that i can't to everything myself.
as much as i hated admitting to it, i was grateful for it. i felt so tiny and to some degree ashamed of not being able to take care of myself, yet he loved me and even offered his support and love.
from then on, it solidified to me that this was going to be a team effort. and a new resolve, for both of us, has sunk in.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
life is good
recession or not, life is good when you can leave work at 5 and be home at 5:07. and beautiful hiking trails are only 10 minutes away. and there is plenty of sunshine and gentle breezes. it was satisfying to know that while some had to spend the 6 o'clock hour in traffic, we got to spend it working up a sweat with each other in the great outdoors.
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