the un-diet

i mentioned in my last post that i wasn't going on a 'diet'. which i guess seems contradictory to the amount of weight i want to lose. but here's the thing with me, i cannot diet. i just can't. the second i tell myself something is off-limits, it's ALL I EVER WANT. it's like telling someone 'don't think of elephants'. you're gonna friggin' think of elephants. i am also rebellious. even against myself. i tell myself i can't have something, but damnit, i am not the boss of me.

my goal for now is to just eat less. which is very vague and flies in the face of everything they tell you about goal setting and weight loss. but again, here's the thing about me. counting shit, whether it's calories or carbs or points or grams, drives me batshit. i don't enjoy micromanaging things to that degree. especially something as basic as food. how can i enjoy it if i have to analyze it and turn it into work? maybe it's my right-brainedness, but i know that the bottom line is eating less will get me where i want to go and learning to focus on my fullness and satisfaction will make me much happier.

part of me worries that this seemingly easy-going approach will not yield me the results i want. at least not fast enough. but considering i've tried everything in the book and nothing has stuck, i'm thinking that this plan is the closest thing resembling moderation, which to me seems like a good plan for long-term success.

so here's what i ate today:

6 am: english breakfast tea w/ splenda
ham, salami, swiss sandwich with mustard on sourdough

11 am: banana

12:30: slice of veggie pizza
mint tea

1:30 pm: half of a huge red velvet cupcake with cream cheese frosting

7:00 pm: ensenada chicken from red robin, side salad and a handful of garlic fries pilfered from patrick's plate.

so yeah, it doesn't look like i'm trying to cut back, but honestly i am. only one slice of pizza? that's unheard of. sharing a cupcake? p-shaw! not ordering a luscious heart-attack burger from red robin? crazy.

and so while i know there is room for improvement, it's a step in the right direction. i didn't drive myself insane craving food i couldn't have. and i didn't make myself sick from eating too much like i normally do. and that my friends, is a victory in and of itself.

and to make up for truly traumatizing you (and myself) with my before photos, here are some photos of our afternoon at lake merritt in oakland.












and p.s. you guys rock! thanks so much for all the encouragement.

perhaps i should take up sumo wrestling

what i am about to do goes against everything i believe in. i've been on the fence about it for so long, but i've come to the conclusion that drastic times call for drastic measures. or whatever. and don't they say the truth will set you free? oh god i can't believe i'm going to do this, but without further ado, i present...my 'before' picture. me, in all my 187.2 lb glory...(shite! did i really just say that! SHITE!) you seriously might want to just turn away. and usher small children out of the room...




OUCH. that is some serious OUCH.

and let me remind you i am only 5'3".

drastic measures, people.

there's obviously a lot of self-deprecating things i could say that would be both true and funny. but honestly, who wants to read angsty fat talk. it is what it is. i know how i got here. and not only is it aesthetically unpleasingly, it's just downright unhealthy. and that's the biggest ouch. i can no longer treat my 31 year old body like this. though honestly, this is a reflection of how when my spirit gets beat up i turn to food. (ok, end angsty fat talk)

so there we have it kids. i've got a long road ahead of me.

to infinity and beyond

i have found that since i have graduated from school (10 years ago this year! eek!), time passes in such a weird way. events sort of blend together, days go by slowly, but weeks fly by so quickly. i feel like i can't wait until the next holiday or season, but once it comes i'm sad that it passes so quickly.

2009 has been especially weird because it's been the year of waiting. we had a certain expectation for how patrick's federal job process would go and never did it go according to plan. we had to be both ready to move at a moment's notice yet be prepared to wait and wait and wait until the government was good and ready. i felt constantly jerked from one hope and expectation to another. it's not a fun way to live.

patrick and i spent a lot of this year not only under this stress, but under the odd situation of living together under my parents' roof. and there is no way i could have understood what a HUGE adjustment and learning experience this would be. i firmly believe that no 2 different people could have been matched together. take an only child from a conservative, sheltered southern house and dump him in the house of a big and loud filipino house in california. if that isn't reality tv fodder, i don't know what is. i'd call it 'clash of the cultures'. it sometimes feels like it's the will of the spoiled little boy who always got his way versus the will of the steamroller collective brown family. and so many times was i caught in the middle.

the good news is, i think with time we've all just gotten used to each other more. the way my family does things isn't necessarily how patrick would want to do things, but he is at least used to it and can deal with when he wants to participate and when he doesn't. and i am hoping that the strong ties i have with my family is better respected, if not understood, by him.

in a lot of ways, i feel like i've thrown a whole year down the drain. i was merely surviving. just waiting for when our lives would really begin.

the good news is, patrick completed the last step of the federal job process over thanksgiving. he passed the polygraph and all of the medical requirements. we still have to wait for them to finish the background check and to hear if he passed the psychological evaluation. so we're still waiting, but at least we know we're at the penultimate step. if he finally does get chosen and they send him to training, he has 7 months spread out over georgia, dc, and md. and he still has to pass. lord, help us. if he doesn't pass, i don't know WHAT will happen.

i can't even think like that. my friends ask me how in the hell i've managed to get through all this uncertainty and all i can say is that i know that what is meant to be will be. it's not up to me to decide and i have faith that God is working his plan.

not to say it hasn't been hard. because it has. writing about what still has to happen has started to overwhelm me again. but then, i have to stop. 2009 was so much about patrick. so much worrying. so much about trying to make things better for him. and it feels so very selfish for me to say it, but i want 2010 to be more about me. i go from work, where everyone is calling my name, wanting me to fix everything, to home where my fiance. my mom, my dad, my brothers, my family want something from me. i get sick of it. a lot.

so in 2010, i will strive to carve out more time and space and happiness just for me. my goals this year are to:

1. run one race a month.
   i've mapped out most of the year, with a few holes in july and august. jan, feb, and march i'll run 5ks. april, may, june are for 10ks. i have some half marathons and other odd distance races in mind for fall and winter. the main idea is to be consistent. and have fun.
   
   
2. lose 50 pounds.
   there are 52 weeks in a year. totally, doable, right? and yes, unfortunately, i really do need to lose that much. for now i don't have any strict diet ideas. i want to focus on just eating less (ie: no second helpings and stopping before i feel full) and concentrate most of my energy to running and working out. i've found in the past that once i get my body moving on a regular basis, the diet falls into line quite harmoniously.
   
   
3. do one creative thing everyday, outside of work.
   my brain feels stuck in a rut. even though i have about a billion ideas for projects. i'll elaborate more later.
   
   
4. save more money.
   surprisingly, 2009 was my best year in saving money, despite having so little of it! and i haven't used a credit card in over a year! right now, about a third of my salary gets banked and i'm looking at other ways to create income (see #3)
   
   
5. pray everyday.
   over the past year, i kind of feel like i've built up a wall around me. something to protect me, i suppose. to help steel me against totally giving into despair and frustration. and while this probably has been one of the most stressful years of recent times, i've spent the least amount of time writing and journaling and reflecting. and i want that back.
   

happy 2010, peeps! be safe and have fun!

it's all good in the hood

if you're checking this, i'm impressed. and touched. the majority of my posts lately have spelled trouble with a capital T. it's been rough. so rough that i resorted to venting my frustration about the person i love most on the internets. while it was my right and my perogative (and ultimately one of the things that made me feel better), i thought it best not to leave that all up there for him to find.

especially now, when i don't feel those awful things about him anymore. it's been a bit of a bumpy ride, but i'm happy and so very thankful to say, we've grown a lot closer because of it. we are leaps and bounds better at communicating with each other. and i'm actually quite proud of us. through the grace of god and the power of our love, we have been able to muddle through a very stressful situation during a very vulnerable stage in our relationship. it makes me all the more confident that we can get through anything together. i know now more than ever that i was meant to spend the rest of my life with this man. and that my life could never be as full or as rich without him.

for the first time in our relationship, we felt like a 'we'.

checking my vitals

last year at my annual checkup, to my surprise, i was given a great bill of health: good cholesterol, good blood pressure, good blood sugar, good thyroid. everything was working fine and as it should. i was just overweight.

today, about 10 pounds heavier than last year, i was even more worried. i haven't gotten my blood work done yet, and while my doctor was concerned about my weight and the health problems that come with that, she did say, "but you do have a great glow about you."

so i can't be too bad off now can i? it's hard to be totally unhealthy and still 'glow' right?

of course, i'm still gonna get the blood work done. and it'll be good to know either way whether i've done more damage to my body in the last year. all i know is i'm feeling grateful. and i definitely feel the need to protect this 'glow' i have.

it's funny how one small little thing someone says to you can affect your whole outlook. i'm sure she was saying it to be polite and not scare me. but i'm taking it and running with it people.

the last days of summer

it was good to see all the input on the hair quandry. it irks me that i can't have reasonably coiffed hair everyday due to my laziness and reluctance of shampooing and heat stlying my hair everyday, but what can you do? and while i always coveted the ponytail while i had short hair, i always thought and still do think it is a boring, and most often clumsy solution. i find it takes a while to actually 'style' my hair into a pretty ponytail, instead of the 2 second kind wherein i just pull up all my hair in one fell swoop and tie it up.

but i did make things kind of easier on myself by getting a much needed trim. this also gave my stylist a chance to thin the heck out of my hair. i feel like i lost 5 pounds. but as you can see, i still have a freak ton of hair:



as you can see i also made things harder for myself by opting for bangs this time. but i was getting bored and needed a change.


i haven't even road-tested the new 'do because i've been lazy. spending time with the boy doing fun summery things, entertaining out of town guests, having a freak ton of family gatherings the last month taking up all our free time. also our friends recently lent us the harry potter book series which i have been devouring ALL summer. those books are like crack. i could not put them down except to work and eat. they haunted my dreams. but boy, were they ever good. i can't WAIT to see the final movies.

so that's all folks, as we wind into the official last week of summer. we spent a day at stinson beach yesterday. where i SWEAR i saw dean karnazes. i've seen him before in person and was again shocked at how little he was. being -1% body fat will make you little i guess. i wasn't 100% sure it was him. but felt it was pretty reasonable since he is from the bay area. i didn't want to be a weird stalker girl, partly because i was in my bathing suit and he was in his. felt a little too naked for me to shriek and go 'oh my god i know who you are and i love you!'. especially if it wasn't him. and i'm bummed i forgot to put a battery in my camera before i left the house because it was the most perfect day of life in california. the kind of day that makes up for how expensive living in this damned state is.

i'm hoping to drag the boy to a food festival in jack london square today and then it's off to alabama. hope you guys are enjoying your summer!

the hair quandry

i feel stupid for even writing about this because it's such a girly-girl question. i'd actually rather talk about my period because at least that is health/medical and therefore not as trivial. but i'm gonna bring it up anyway.

what the hell do you people do with your hair?

my hair is well past my shoulders now, a length it hasn't been in over 15 years. i wear a visor mainly to help keep my headphones in, and it does a pretty good job of keeping sweat from dripping into my eyes and keeping my shorter layers outta my face. i put it in a ponytail when i run, but it's too damned thick to actually stay up and the swooshing back and forth annoys the crap outta me. i tried putting it in a bun but that slips out way too easily. one day, i had the misfortune of my hair elastic breaking mid workout. and that was just big piles of ick. hair and sweat should never mix.

and as for actual hair care? ever since i started working out on a regular basis again, my hair regime has gone to shit. it's a pain in the ass to wash and i now have to wash it every friggin' day. and everyone knows hair is at its best when it hasn't been washed in a day or so. at least mine is. i'm too lazy to blowdry it everyday so most of the time i walk around with a wet bun on my head. because my hair takes forever to dry. plus i don't want to stress my hair too much.

but i highly doubt that women who care enough to workout everyday don't put the same effort into their hair everyday too? am i the minority who has chosen laziness? or do you all go to work with a wet head of hair too?

the easiest solution would be to cut it. and on some days i consider hacking it all off myself. but DUDES! i've been trying to grow this mother out for 2 years now. and i actually would like my hair longer for when we do get married. but man, this walking around with a wet mop on my head all day has got. to. go.

another year older, another year not yet wiser.

guess what ya'll? i turned 31 last wednesday. yay for me. if 30 is the new 20, then 31 is the new 21, right? :) i celebrated in grand fashion by eating way too much of stuff i shouldn't eat. i resisted temptation a good number of times, but still managed to cave too many times. like, isn't it illegal to refuse your own chocolate birthday cake? and then came our huge family reunion and there were pork products literally calling my name. no, really, we had a full-on whole roasted pig and i SWEAR TO GOD, it called out to me. even though it had an apple in its mouth.

and whaddya know, birthday calories DO count! i am not happy about this weight gain setback. but i did it to myself so i have no one else to blame. i was once again reminded for the millionth time in my life that eating like crap makes you feel like crap. boo.

but i'm back. and while brussel sprouts do not erase the sins of chocolate cake, i can at least eat them guilt free. and while i was at the gym this morning, i got some extra motivation:



if you've read my blog for any length of time, you'll know that i have a serious girl crush on britney spears. it's truly inexplicable yet so strong that i can't even apologize. her body is sick. when she's in shape, as she was 8 years ago. seriously, i feel like doing a million crunches right now.

which i will need to do since i'll be sporting a new, more modest bikini in front of the to-be inlaws. and no that isn't me and i know for some it isn't exactly modest. but this suit insures that my chesticles don't pop out, which is oh so very important when spending time with people you don't want to titillate.

though this all could be for naught because it seems to be tropical storm weather by the gulf. and while one might think i'd rather the storm hit so i could avoid a whole bikini barbie situation altogether. i prefer that to spending time with the GRANDmother further inland. like where they probably still have 'no coloreds' signs up in certain places. besides alabama is like the 2nd most obese state in the country, i might stand half a chance :)

173.6

8.4 pounds in 3 weeks. not too shabby, if i do say so myself.

and did i tell you we're going to alabama to visit with sg's 'rents over labor day weekend. and we're going to the gulf shore? on one hand, yay! beach! warm water! on the other hand, MORTIFICATION! me, in a bathing suit in front on his parents!? kill. me. now.

the crazy thing is, my entire adult life i've always worn a bikini to the beach or pool because i honestly don't care what other people think. three quarters of the other people are wearing suits unflattering to their bodies anyway and i'd rather have fun than miss out. and being the sunwhore that i am, i want optimum sun exposure. but put me in front of my fiancees parents and all i want is an oversized muumuu.

i know i shouldn't care. they love me to bits. but gah! talk about feeling exposed. vulnerable. i know exactly how his mother feels about her body, so i don't even want to think about the judgements she'd make about mine. not that her genteel southern manners would let her speak them out loud.

in a related manner, there was one weekend patrick and i decided to get away and we stayed at a really pretty historic mansion in san jose. we spent most of the time at the pool and there was one instance where he video chatted with his parents on the laptop. hearing we were at the pool, his mother and father insisted, quite urgently, that i pop onscreen so they could see me in my bathing suit.

!!!!!!!!!!

WTF?!!

how weird is that?!

WEIRD!

sorry, but i'm not parading myself in front of my boyfriend's 70 and 60 year old father and mother in my bikini over video chat. that's. just. weird.

in other news, i think i might have convinced enough family members to join me in a relay team for the CIM in decemeber. i'm super stoaked about this and think it'll be an even greater marathon experience by sharing it with my cousins and brother!

fiber

i'd never had brussel sprouts until today. they get such a bad rap, but my old boss used to rave about them all the time. so i thought, why the hell not?

holy crap, are they delicious.

roasted in the oven, coated in olive oil, kosher salt, and pepper. some of the outer leaves fell off and got all dark and crunchy and delicious. it was like eating potato chips, i shit you not. and i do NOT fool around with potato chips.

i ate a whole bowlful for lunch.

what i didn't know was how much fiber is in those little suckers. whoa nelly! on top of the flaxseed muffins i baked and ate this morning?! holy crap is right. i also learned they're very high in protein and vitamin a, folacin, potassium, calcium, and vitamin c.

my poor distended belly made my pool workout very uncomfortable. let's hope my neck doesn't suffer the same fate as last time. i tried my best to follow the smart suggestions offered to me last time. keep my head facing straight down and breathe on both sides. we'll see in the morning.

longest workout in the longest time

15:24, 14:45, 15:32, 16:58=1:02:40

i totally could have gone longer, and actually felt MORE energized an hour into my workout than 15 minutes into it. but i didn't realize i would need to bodyglide my arms. i got some major painful chafing. boo to arm fat rubbing against boob fat.

hey, remember that nike marathon lottery i won? yeah, so not gonna happen.

BUT, and this is a big but.

i want to try to finish the half marathon anyway.

screw the rules.

i mean i PAID for the full. i'm not taking any resources away from anyone. i am still half hoping i can snag the loot at the end of the half marathon finish line, but i know that is probably a long shot, since i'll be wearing a marathon bib.

but i have to believe there are lots of people, who for whatever reason, can't get through their full marathon training but still want to do something. and get something for their money.

so what do you think folks? is this kosher?

p.s. re: the last post...i'm sort of letting things chill out a bit before posting more thoughts.

p.p.s. i'm down 7.2 pounds since starting the southbeach diet with patrick 2 weeks ago (i've even cheated, which i probably shouldn't brag about)

half a size

this morning, the scale read a full 5 pounds less than it did on sunday. maybe it was all in my head but my workout did seem a little easier.

davis arboretum

pain in the beck

i am doing something seriously wrong because whenever i swim i get a stiff neck. a painful, no sudden movements kinda stiff neck.

makes doing the easiest, smallest tasks excrutiatingly painful. even blogging.

gah!

i'm a happy panda

1. got up at 5:30 for a morning workout.
2. found out that "running" 14 minute miles is slow, but still rewarding.
3. made some bomb ass turkey sausage spaghetti sauce without a recipe.
4. devoured the chickpea flat bread i made this weekend.
5. solidified plans with a friend coming into town for a visit this weekend.
6. found out the interest rate on my student loans dropped.
7. spent some quality time in the pool, churning out laps.

we found our hearts in san francisco

it's been said that san francisco is the most romantic city in the u.s. the city will always be dear to my heart because it's where we fell in love.

my cousin, though not a professional photographer, has taken amazing photos all over the world. she has a great eye and we share the same aesthetic so i asked her to take some engagement photos for patrick and me. for the amazing price of free, she snapped about 250 photos of us all over the city. here are some of the preliminary shots!

the painted ladies

clarion alley, mission district

fort point, under the golden gate bridge

fort point, under the golden gate

fort point, under the golden gate

atop fort point, under the golden gate

chrissy field

the marina

palace of fine arts

steps to coit tower

russian hill

i have decided that the reason for my general unhappiness stems from things out of my control. i have also decided that a lot of life is about timing. and there's no sense in worrying about things that don't need to be worried about yet, because they might just work themselves out.

so, i'm going to stop trying to "fix" a million an one problems that haven't even materialized yet, and focus on one problem that is staring me right in the face: my fitness.

16:55, 15:31, 15:32=47:59, of which probably 6:00 was actual running. i know physically i could have pushed myself more, but mentally, i'm not all there. it takes a while for physically beating to feel good again, right?

my feet are happy, though, 'cause i traded in the bad ones for another pair of brooks adrenaline gts. i think those are the ones i ran my marathon with. why i ever abandoned them i'll never know. probably had something to do with a tall, dark, nubile shoe salesman.

and as an aside, while i was being fitted for my new shoes, i overhead the co-owner of the shop talking about her pending divorce from her husband who runs the shop with her. and for some reason i was really taken aback. normally, i find her very annoying. she has this high pitched voice and dry overprocessed blonde hair, (and is in enviably good shape, which is probably more the reason she annoys me. but whatever). even though she has 0% bodyfat, her marriage crumbled. and i felt bad for her. and i think i was just so shocked because you forget that bad things happen to even 0% body fat people. my body sure isn't perfect, but i'm glad my love is.

destination wedding

we're getting married here! summer 2011.

and finally after arguing about it for months, we have decided on our guest list. i am very happy to report that all the family i wanted included are invited. and it is a huge relief to me. it is the first time since the whole wedding talk that i've finally gotten excited about planning. we have gone to a couple family parties since our engagement and i just couldn't get excited about telling people our plans since 1. it excluded them and 2. i couldn't imagine my wedding without them. but we no longer have that problem!

so what happened? apparently, sg got to talking to a friend of his that also recently got engaged, and this friend of his (without me even saying anything to him) basically told sg that the wedding is and always has been about the bride. and that nothing is really worth forgoing my happiness on the one day that has meant everything to me since the day i was born, apparently. and while i don't necesarily agree with him 100%, i'll take it :)

the wedding is 2 years away, so there's not much to do now exactly. we're getting engagements photos done in sf this weekend and with those i'm hoping to send out save the dates. or more aptly, 'save the funds'. it may take some people 2 years to save up for a trip to the dominican republic. it sure as heck will take us 2 years to save up for the wedding.

it's been a busy summer and lately none of it has to do with running or working out. lots of family things, vacations, and mini-vacations. and i've been in a weird head-space lately as indicated by my last post. don't know when i'm gonna snap out of it. but for the most part, things are coming along.

stale

the title isn't very inviting, i'll admit. but it's kinda where my head's at. for a while now, i've been feeling so very uninspired. and restless.

i'm so sick of waiting to hear about what the hell is going to happen with patrick's job offer. until something does happen, we're stuck. in my parents' house. in my unfulfilling job. in this boring suburban town. it's driving me mad. i'm clawing at the walls trying to get out.

i'm ready to be making some real money, doing work i love, in a town with lots going on. i'm ready to make a home and start a future with my new sweetie.

i am so very sick of this place called limbo.

my life as an engaged blogger

it's been a whirlwind couple of weeks and i finally have a second to sit. but only because my sinuses are so full right now i feel like my head might pop. it's a strange feeling to have clear and open nostrils but have so much pressure behind your nose and eyes. oh and constant icky postnasal drainage. ick.

anyway, you didn't come here for my snot status. you want to know how he did it! if you're following me on facebook (where i have been spending more of my time lately) you know the story. so for those of you who aren't:

we had just finished dinner on our first night in vegas and he said "we just finished a great meal, we're going to the top of eiffel tower, what else could make this night perfect?"

being the brat i am, i pointed to my then bare ring finger and said "THIS!"

then he said, "so are you the kind of girl who expects a man to get down on his knee?" and i said, "of course that's how it's done."

then i see him fumble with his napkin and he gets down on his knee with the ring and asks simply, "will you?"

for once, i was speechless. it all happened so fast! all i could do was nod as he slipped the ring on my finger. it took quite a while for it to finally feel real and at that point i couldn't stop kissing him. like i have never wanted to kiss someone as much in my entire life. there were no words, just kissing. and smiling. and tearing up. but lots of kissing.

the backstory to this:

we have been talking about getting married practically since we met. and he's asked me to marry him practically every day for the last 9 months. we started shopping for rings before christmas and after visiting several stores and trying on dozens of rings, we finally found one. things were dicey with his job, as you all know, so i didn't pressure him to buy it then. we just hoped it would still be there when he was ready. at that point, my job was done, and it was in his hands to decide when he would buy it and how he would propose. he said he has had a date in mind for a long time and that i had to wait.

then, around mother's day weekend, i get a call at work saying he needs me to go with him to the jewelry store after work. they sold the first ring we saw, but there were others he was contemplating and he wanted me to choose one. do you know how disappointing it is to wait 5 months, then have to go in select a new (better!) ring and not be able to WEAR it out of the store!!!!

grrrr...

several date possibilities went through my mind and when i asked if it would be on our anniversary he said, "no". and i said, "good because that would be totally cheesy"

but really, i was right. and he was mad that i had guessed correctly (even though i didn't know it)

so then he scrambled to think of another time, another way. especially after the whole 'i should have done it at the race' epiphany. though this part i didn't know, so i was very surprised he chose his birthday weekend because i thought for sure i'd have to hold out until july 5.

apparently, he had several ideas of how he wanted to propose while in vegas and all throughout the day he kept needing to find some way to slip away, whether it was he forgot something in the room, or in the car, or something or other. it was irritating the crap out of me but little did i know, he was just being OCD about making sure he still had the ring.

he thought he had finally settled on waiting til after dinner when we reached the eiffel tower, but i think the stress and excitement of it all just got to him and he couldn't contain himself any longer! so he kinda fumbled, stumbled, and just got it over with at dinner.

i will say that with all of my waiting i was expecting something a little more dramatic. only because he was so insistent on waiting for 'the right time'. initially, i think that's part of the reason i was so stunned when he asked. it was so non-chalant. my brain was probably thinking, 'this is what i was waiting for?'

this is not to say i'm disappointed. it was a little anti-climatic, but not in a bad way. because he definitely surprised me. and he rarely does. most of the time i can read him like a book, so i give him big props for pulling a fast one on me :) i thought for sure i'd be able to sense his nervousness or his anxiety. but i guess i was too wrapped up in being on vacation and planning stuff for his birthday that my radar on him wasn't as finely tuned.

as you all know, we've been doing some initial wedding planning already. i lobbied long and hard for waiting until 2011. there is no way on god green's earth i am committing to a wedding without both of us having jobs, no matter how much he's saved up. and no matter how sure he is he's gonna get this cap police job. i'm not counting my chickens before they hatch. we're gonna wait and do this right.

unless, of course, we elope. which is not entirely off the table. i think my family half expects us to. he was even willing to do it in vegas. all i had to do was say the word.

so who knows? my next post could be all about how i became mrs. sg one random summer weekend in tahoe. all i know is, i'm the luckiest woman in the whole wide world! i have never felt more wholly and completely loved.

a las vegas engagement

15:43
14:26
14:15
T: 44:24

i think i need to switch out my new shoes. my feet are killing me. even after a long walking warmup. grrr. might be time to switch to men's shoes.

the one where balls come flying at your face

day 3 of cross fit: run 400 meters, do 30 wall balls. repeat 2 more times.

i heard this was intense. i heard it would HURT like hell. sg didn't even finish his when he went last week.

everything i heard was true. running is hard enough. running after doing 30 squats and throwing a medicine ball up above your head at a wall is harder. doing it three times in a row? BAH!

it's a tough 15 minutes. and ugh, stupid "lara croft" had the camera on me while i ran in my second lap and i didn't know it til i got close. b!tch!

i work tonight and hope to crank out my final 2 introductory workouts in the next two days. thankfully i have the next two days off and while i'll punish my body for an hour each day, we have nothing but relaxation planned for the rest of our hours this weekend.

sg and i went on a mini vacay the last two days and i have plenty of pictures and stories to share. but like i said, i'm relaxing :)

avenue of the vine 5k - sg finishes his first 5k!

at the start line

happy racers!

we were up before the sun to make the hour drive to the woodbridge winery in lodi. as we looked for parking, i could hear sg snickering. at the people in their short shorts, lubing up, scarfing bananas. everyone tanned and toned. he said, "these people are crazy!" and i said, "welcome to the club! you're one of us now!"

what put him over the edge was seeing a pregnant lady! running!

we talked about goals the night before, and since we hadn't had a dedicated training run in about a week and a half, we decided to just aim for our normal training time of 40 minutes. plus race day was gonna be HOT! like in the 70s at start time at 7 am hot.

i couldn't tell if he was nervous. i just think he was soaking it all in. and concentrating on sucking in his gut as people with 2% body fat walked by. he was fascinated by the sea of ridiculoulsy fit people. but i mentioned that there were normal people like us. and that everyone in between fit in too.

as for the actual race itself, we started off at a 2 min run, 1 min walk interval. after some time that switched to a 1 min run, 1 min walk interval. then it turned into a run when he could and walk when he could interval. though early on i told him to be aware of the people around us and lock on. find someone to pull you through. and towards the end, he did lock on and say "oh my god, we HAVE to beat her. promise me we'll beat her. and if i can't beat her, promise me YOU will" i said, " i'm not leaving you, we're beating her together"

i pushed. he cursed. i pushed. he took a breath, then poof, off he went. and we ran, ran ran. to the finish! just 30 seconds under his goal time! i even let him cross the finish line first ;)

it wasn't until later, after we had gotten our wine glasses and tastings, cooled off under the misting tent and were sitting in the air conditioning in the car eating watermelon that the thought occurred to him that the finish line was the perfect place to propose to me. what a missed opportunity!

but i said, "you've had the date in mind for a long time, i'm sure it's the right decision" while secretly thinking, "i could have the ring right now you buffoon!"

but in all seriousness, we had an awesome day! and while he's not itching for the next one, i am... :)

finishers are winners!

happiness is not a motivator

i've never done drugs or had to go to rehab for alcohol or anything. but if there was a food rehab, i'm certain i would have a clinic named after me. i have "dieted" practically my entire adult life, despite having pretty healthy habits as a teenager. did you know i never drank soda, let alone alcohol, or even ate chocolate as a kid!? we rarely had fast food growing up and for whatever reason i never really liked cakes or pastries or candy all that much. college opened up a pandora's box of all kinds of things and nowadays i have cravings for things i never even ate growing up.

i have gone up and down in weight so much the last 10 years i have clothes ranging from size 4 to 12. i can't ever get rid of any of them because i can't stay one size for more than a year. once i get down to a size i like, i get lax, in both diet and exercise and have to start the whole thing again once i start running out of clothes. and i'm embarrassed to say the last round of weight loss stemmed from me starting running as a way to get over my crappy ex boyfriend. about a year ago, i started gaining it back slowly.

i am now at my heaviest. shockingly, i am also at my happiest. which has more to do with personal growth and the fact that i am surrounded by my family and have the best boyfriend ever in the entire world. but being happy is not a good motivator for me to change how i look, even when the only thing i am unhappy with is my weight and how i look. i can tell you right now, if sg were to up and leave me suddenly, i would be on the treadmill day and night nonstop until i had whipped myself into the kind of shape he would regret ever leaving.

why is that?!

why can't i motivate myself with the same vigor in times of happiness? why do i covet other people's fit bodies, yet can't consistently find the motivation to do the same work they do? and after all i've learned why do i even bother comparing myself to others when i know it's not worth it? when will i ever find a happy medium between fit, healthy, and normal?

lara croft? pshaw!

when patrick called to tell me how his workout went today he led off with this:

the head trainer's wife? she looks just like lara croft! you're much prettier, hon, but she's like a pint sized lara croft!

well f*ck! i may as well dive into bed with a plate of cookies and beer and call it a night. and NOT invite patrick.

but i soldiered on. and of course ended up beating his time, so there! the warmup: run 430 m, 43 squats, 43 situps, 43 pushups, run 430 m. the WARM. UP. i got to halve the squats, situps and pushups part because it was only my second day and i had other work to do.

which was to do as many sets of 7 squat thrusters and 7 pushups in 7 minutes. i eked out 7 full sets and 1 squat thruster in 7 minutes and finished a total of 8 sets in 7:30. my trainer said at the end of my 7th set i was at 6:30 so he thinks i totally could have eked out a whole other set under the 7 minutes, but my mind had stopped after the end of he 7th set. i wish i would have known! it goes to show how much it really is a matter of mind over matter. and not that we're keeping score or anything, patrick did 5 and three quarters sets. ;P

we also joined in time to sign up for their biggest loser challenge. i figure as the newest newbies we have the most fitness to gain and weight to lose. the winner wins $100 and a free month. this may just be the thing to get my eating in check.

p.s. "lara croft" was a total butter face.

i knew this would happen

yesterday, i decided to take a rest day because i was pretty sore. in the back of my mind i knew it would suck more today.

and, of course, it does.

and i'm at the time of the month where mentally, i can barely hang on. so yeah, it should be good times tonight at crossfit.

but i'm treating myself to a beer afterwards. i don't care what anyone says.

8:37

that's how long it took me to finish workout 1 of crossfit. 500 m rowing, 40 squats, 30 sit ups, 20 pushups and 10 pullups.

PULL. UPS.

i've entered a crazy upside down world where i actually do pull ups.

sg hung in there and finished, but not before he paid respects to the puke bin while everyone cheered him on. he's famous already! poor guy has his work cut out for him. but i think this is a good environment for him to grow. he can go with me. he can go without me. either way he has lots of guidance and support.

taking a step back

discussions aren't going well on the wedding talk front. there's a whole lot more to the issue that i'm too tired to talk about. especially when i think i've come to the conclusion that this means we're not ready to get married yet. which i'm fine with. i know we had a timeline in mind, but there's no sense in rushing things when i think all signs point to slowing down. i waited 30 years to finally meet him, i think we can wait to get married while we focus on you know, being a couple.

and the first order of business is for us to be out of my parents' house and self-sufficient. i think being unemployed has taken a toll on patrick and on us. his last job at williams-sonoma was the first job he has ever felt proud about. since he graduated college he has suffered and stumbled through a variety of bad jobs and unemployment. leaving alabama three years ago was the best thing he ever did for himself or his career, but now he has to start all over again.

now is not the time to think about a wedding.

and well, to be honest, i have some reservations. i have doubts on how well he can handle adversity. will he rise to the occasion and do whatever is necessary or will he shrink and shrivel and hide? without going into too much detail, it's hard for me to tell.

i don't think he's ever really been challenged. and in the past when faced with stress or adversity, he resorts to escapism (ie: video games) because it gives him some sense of control. he never really did well in school and isn't particularly ambitious. for months he felt stressed about losing his job and i implored him to look for other work while he had a job. but it wasn't until he was laid off and forced to look for work that he did.

a much older friend of mine has said to me that she thinks i do too much for him. for all intents and purposes, i was his headhunter, contacting everyone i knew about leads, scouring the internet for jobs and information. i've become his trainer. his nutritionist. and practically his sole social outlet, especially now that he's not working.

and it has come to a point where it's just too much. these are things i think an adult should handle for themselves. being supportive doesn't mean doing it for him.

when he is faced with an obstacle, i've seen him get upset, frustrated and want to give up. he hates when he's not in control and he just has no desire to be out of his comfort zone. i don't think he has the humility to accept not knowing how to do everything. i don't think he has the coping skills to deal with it. to have hope, or positivity, or come up with a different solution. i think he lets adversity beat him down. i don't think he's learned to be resillient.

that being said, i think this capitol police job and the training required to get it, is exactly what he needs to boost his confidence and give him a new set of skills, professionally and personally. i have to believe that there really is a fighter inside who can learn to grit through pain and discomfort and succeed at something. he sees this as his only chance. his academic record is a joke, his professional record, he feels is a joke, and he has no other idea what he wants to do with his life. and when he says stuff like that to me i do wonder, why would you want me to marry you?

i have a tendency of seeing the best in people, trusting in them too quickly and too fiercely. and while i know for certain that he loves me and that he will treat me affectionately and lovingly my entire life and make me laugh the entire time, i need more. i need to know he can stand up as a partner.

there are times i know he gets down on himself because he feels i'm smarter than him, faster, stronger, better. but i guess the girls he dated in the past i guess weren't as accomplished, not that i'm a rocket scientist all-star. and i always tell him, i wasn't born this way. i have had to learn a lot. and teach myself a lot. if i can do it, you can do it. the only difference between me and him is that i had a desire to learn more and i didn't let anything stop me until i got to where i wanted to go.

how he and we handle the next few months will decide a lot.

wedding plans

ok before i go further, we are not yet engaged. trust me i would have alerted ya'll like seconds after it happened. but we're close and while he has not told me when he's gonna pop the question, we do have an idea of when and where we'd like to get married. and since that date will roll around in about a year, i told him we need to start planning anyhow.

so...the deets: summerish 2010, somewhere tropical, probably on a carribbean island at an all inclusive resort. we've set a budget of $20,000 since we'll be paying for this ourselves.

what we can't agree on is the number of people we will invite.

the core, bare bones is at 20. my parents and his. my 2 brothers and 2 sisters in law and nephew. my maid of honor and her mom. my matron of honor and her husband. his best friend. another of his close friends and his wife, her mom, and their daughter.

smallest wedding, ever right? but we thought, we'll have two receptions in the states, one in california and one in alabama to invite all the people who don't come to the real deal. sounds reasonable and i guess i can live with this but...

i would love to have my cousins there. and my aunts and uncles. and i KNOW i will get shit form them if they aren't invited. and i KNOW they'll even offer to pay their share to make it. and for me, it's hard to argue for them not to be invited. hell, i want them there!

but. patrick doesn't feel it's fair. his extended family (who he doesn't even see but once a year) can't afford to come and/or is physically incapable of making the trip. so if they can't come, i guess he feels my extra peeps can't come either. even if it isn't going to cost us any more money.

i find this absolutely ridiculous. and i feel like just because life has "punished" him, he feels i need to be equally "punished" as well. i don't understand how in this instance the more the merrier isn't a good thing. he's an only child. who grew up on the other side of alabama as the rest of his family. so he doesn't get that my cousins feel like brothers and sisters to me because we all grew up together. it pains me just as much to NOT invite them as it pains him to know even if we did invite the rest of his family they couldn't come for whatever reason.

the alternative is to have the wedding in alabama (BARF!) where everyone can be invited. which even then, i couldn't invite everyone because my family far outnumbers his and i know for a FACT that he'll be up in arms about my side being bigger. but i can't help it! we're catholic! we're filipino! we make big families! and even then, paying for a wedding of that size is not possible.

i guess in the end, we are going to have to stick to our original plan of just 20 people. even though i think it is ridiulous to exclude people who are willing to pay their own way to attend. am i totally off the mark in thinking this?

we've only just begun

so ever since my current job cut back on my hours months and months and months ago, i've been looking for a part-time gig to supplement my income. i finally got one that required no commute and would give me the hours i wanted, but wouldn't you know it, it's been picking up at the office. i've worked more hours this week than i have in over 9 months. funny how that happens, eh? but i'm not one to turn down money, especially since i've had to pare down for the majority of the year. it will be nice to finally start making bigger payments to the credit card companies again. i'll only be waiting tables twice a week and my first shift was tonight and man oh man am i getting too old for this. we did our speed workout this morning since last night we were busy and tomorrow morning we have our long run. and i get to work another shift.

i see many foot massages in my future.

i'm also gearing up to take another summer class. i was thinking of taking 2 then i remembered, oh yeah i'm running a marathon in the fall. overnight my leisurely 32 hour work week lifestyle has ramped up to a 50 hour work with with school and many miles of training per week.

and you know what? it feels good. i would much rather be too busy being productive than have so much free time that i feel lazy. the achiness in my feet feels good. and having numerous golas to focus on feels even better.

as for our speed workout today, we nixed driving all the way to the track since we only had an hour to get everything in. i plotted out a quarter mile stretch of road in the neighborhod and we ran and walked that back and forth. my 400s went like this: 2:23, 2:08, 2:10. getting faster overall, yes. but not negative splits. for whatever reason, running a straightaway 400 was easier than running a loop. and i could feel that i wasn't running my hardest, so next time i'll have to push more. and yes, i totally beat my boyfriend. i feel bad bc i know it messes with his mind. but this will probably be the only time i am ever faster than him, so i'm gonna enjoy it.

we did our pushups and situps too. and honestly, i did what was asked of me and a little more. and i only stopped because i was bored and not tired. well and i was crunched for time, but. i need a more effective and challengin way to get my core work done.

oh and more good news! i'm down 4.4 pounds for a total of 6 pounds from my heaviest. the weight loss has been slow, but steady. and while i'm definitely making concerted efforts to make every meal healthier, i haven't felt too much deprivation or angst. mango orange banana vivannos with matcha from starbucks certainly help with that! :)

giddy!!!!

secrets are SOOOOOO hard to keep!

despite progress, i still need to bitch.

if you thought that was a lot of info about my latest running purchases, wait til you hear about our workouts!

the week leading up to easter, we were totally on the ball with our workouts and diet. then come easter weekend we fell, more like crashed, off the wagon. something about holiday weekends and celebrating with family brings out the glutton in us. but here's the easter miracle: we felt AWFUL on monday and learned a valuable lesson about how our minds and bodies feel after binge eating and no exercise. since then whenever we entertain the thought of skipping a workout or indulging in a treat, we remind ourselves of Easter Monday and we're quickly back on track again.

i'm finding that having a set plan for every day of the week has helped keep us accountable. it also helps to see our week written down so we can easily shuffle things around if need be. patrick has even agreed to early morning workouts when we have had to plan other things for the evening! so while we have had to shift some days around, we haven't yet missed a long run or a speed workout.

i've even devised a run workout to replace one of our easy days. it's a :30 run/walk interval over the course of 2 miles. i figure it splits the difference between endurance and speed. the other day we even ran/walked the distance before our shred workout!

all in all, i'm pretty pleased with the way things are progressing though i do have a few things i need to bitch and vent about...

1. i miss my workout time as my alone time. i miss having an escape. as patrick's unofficial coach, i carry the burden of motivating him. i'm responsible for setting the schedule, picking the venue, waking him up, and all the logistical details like bringing water and planning pre and post workout meals. it's become a job. and while the accountability to another person has helped my consistency, it has sapped some of my enjoyment.
   
   
2. patrick whines a lot. and i'm sick of it. i not only have to motivate myself but motivate him and his constant whining makes it that much harder. "i'm tired. i'm cold. i'm hot. i hate this. i can't do it. it's too hard" i want to knock him upside the head and say "HARDEN THE FUCK UP ALREADY!" it's called working out because it's WORK! if you want to be a baby, then you'll have a baby's body. if you want a man's body, fucking take it like a man.
   
   
3. getting him to eat healthy food is excruciating. he is constantly dwelling on what he can't eat rather than trying to come up with healthy alternatives. he'd rather eat nothing than modify his favorite foods. he knows little about nutrition and has done little to educate himself. sometimes for fear of eating something unhealthy he eats nothing. he would rather rely on me as the keeper of his diet. which would be fine if he ate what i would eat. but the list of fruits and vegetables he likes is limited to very little. it's hard for me to cook a varied menu based on his limited arsenal of palatable foods. and don't even get me started on telling him to cook for himself. he is the king of frozen pizza and takeout. he refuses to cook in the kitchen without me for fear of screwing things up.
   
   
4. he's also very negative. he's constantly on himself about how he's not fast enough or not losing enough weight or how he's not going to be ready in time or any multitide of things. it takes a lot of coaxing on my part to get him out of his bad mood. i tell him it's hard enough as it is without your own voice telling you you can't do things. and while it's normal to feel these things, you have to learn how to turn them around and keep on chugging. while i enjoy being supportive, it's hard work.
   

i know i'm not the perfect workout partner or coach. and he probably has boatloads of bad things to say about me. i feel bad for bitching when i'm supposed to be supportive and positive and loving. i just wish he had another source for information and inspiration because it's become a little taxing for me.

stiumlating the economy at my local neighborhood running store

omg people, so much has been going on here. but before i recap our workouts back at easter i have to tell you guys about my recent purchases!!!!!!!

the local running store was hosting a "ladies night" with food, nuun-tinis, massages, fitness demonstrations, bra fittings, raffle prizes, etc. and since it has been a year since i got new shoes and i have gained a considerable amount of weight thought it was the perfect opportunity for me to get outfitted from head to toe.

i got some new shoes that feel amazing. in the 4 or so years i've been running, i have yet to be outfitted in the same pair of shoes twice. my new pair are saucony progrid 7
which is a stability shoe. i've gone through 3 different motion control shoes, 2 i wore with orthotics to a neutral shoe with orthotics. we're hoping it splits the difference from being over supported to under supported. and they feel even wider than my last pair, so my feet should be good to go. for now, these shoes feel like a dream!

i also got fitted for a sports bra. not only were my bras old but they had gotten too small (or more accurately, i had gotten too big). they got me fitted in a MUCH larger bra and even i was shocked at the size she gave me. i must have tried on 6 or 7 different bras, in different styles, some that i couldn't even figure out how to put on without two other hands to help. but we found one that fit like a dream: the dori bra from moving comfort. the girls are fully supported without any uniboob action. the $40 price tag was steep, but it's cheaper than the boob job i'll need if i don't get proper support. my sister in law was lucky enough to WIN a bra during the night. all i won was a pair of balega running socks and a miraculous feet cd of south african music! i can't really complain because i love balega socks, but i already have more than enough socks!

but what i am most excited about are the SKINS COMPRESSION SOCKS i got. HOLY MOTHER MARY OF GOD ARE THESE THE BEST THINGS EVER!!! i have been having serious shin and calf pain from not only running, but from days of being on my feet all day. i got to the store at 7 pm and i had already done my long run and been at the beach all day in flip flops. the salesgirl at the store actually had her socks on and she raved about how she wears them for recovery after hard workouts and when she's on the sales floor all day long. so for the low, low price of $45 (ha!) i got a pair of my own. i put them on as soon as i got home and within the hour, i could not stop raving about how good my calves and shins felt. no more pain at all! i expected the compression to feel more tight, but it wasn't at all uncomfortable. and i'm serious when i say that the muscle pain just disappeared! they are a litle dorky looking, especially with the little stirrup at the bottom to hook around your heel, but i just tucked that part under the hem. and under tights no once can tell. and they are really only meant to be worn on recovery workouts or at home while recovering. so hiding them under pants is easy. and for how good they made my calves and shins feel, i honestly don't care how dorky they look. these may just replace the post long run ice bath.



though some of the recovery could also be from the new massage stick i got. this sucker can reach and work any muscle. it's easy to apply the right amount of pressure to any area without it getting tiring. i rolled it over my calves, my shins, the bottoms of my feet, my quads, hips, back, neck. definitely worth the $35 price tag. especially since i can't afford to get a nice massage after every hard workout. i was most surprised and impressed with how well it worked with such little effort on my part.

so yeah, i definitely broke the bank last night, but all my purchases rate very high on the satisfaction scale. and i won socks and got a whole bunch of other goodies for going.

though the best part is probably that i now look forward to working out so i can use all this great new stuff!

the male ego

5 days in a row we've worked out. the last three days containing sets of pushups and situps. yet i STILL managed to eke out nearly double the reps today than what i did on monday. despite being sore. woot! i don't know what's gotten into me.

though it could explain why sg is a little grumpy.

he thinks i always try to outdo him. and well, i kinda do. i'm not particularly competitive, but with him i am. i don't want him to feel bad but at the same time i just can't stand letting him beat me. i had the advantage this week though. he wanted to go first. so all i had to do was mentally prepare myself to do better than him. is it my fault i went above AND beyond?

i told him next time i'd go first. that way he can't accuse me of anything. but how do i make him not feel bad if i do better?