lara croft? pshaw!

when patrick called to tell me how his workout went today he led off with this:

the head trainer's wife? she looks just like lara croft! you're much prettier, hon, but she's like a pint sized lara croft!

well f*ck! i may as well dive into bed with a plate of cookies and beer and call it a night. and NOT invite patrick.

but i soldiered on. and of course ended up beating his time, so there! the warmup: run 430 m, 43 squats, 43 situps, 43 pushups, run 430 m. the WARM. UP. i got to halve the squats, situps and pushups part because it was only my second day and i had other work to do.

which was to do as many sets of 7 squat thrusters and 7 pushups in 7 minutes. i eked out 7 full sets and 1 squat thruster in 7 minutes and finished a total of 8 sets in 7:30. my trainer said at the end of my 7th set i was at 6:30 so he thinks i totally could have eked out a whole other set under the 7 minutes, but my mind had stopped after the end of he 7th set. i wish i would have known! it goes to show how much it really is a matter of mind over matter. and not that we're keeping score or anything, patrick did 5 and three quarters sets. ;P

we also joined in time to sign up for their biggest loser challenge. i figure as the newest newbies we have the most fitness to gain and weight to lose. the winner wins $100 and a free month. this may just be the thing to get my eating in check.

p.s. "lara croft" was a total butter face.

i knew this would happen

yesterday, i decided to take a rest day because i was pretty sore. in the back of my mind i knew it would suck more today.

and, of course, it does.

and i'm at the time of the month where mentally, i can barely hang on. so yeah, it should be good times tonight at crossfit.

but i'm treating myself to a beer afterwards. i don't care what anyone says.

8:37

that's how long it took me to finish workout 1 of crossfit. 500 m rowing, 40 squats, 30 sit ups, 20 pushups and 10 pullups.

PULL. UPS.

i've entered a crazy upside down world where i actually do pull ups.

sg hung in there and finished, but not before he paid respects to the puke bin while everyone cheered him on. he's famous already! poor guy has his work cut out for him. but i think this is a good environment for him to grow. he can go with me. he can go without me. either way he has lots of guidance and support.

taking a step back

discussions aren't going well on the wedding talk front. there's a whole lot more to the issue that i'm too tired to talk about. especially when i think i've come to the conclusion that this means we're not ready to get married yet. which i'm fine with. i know we had a timeline in mind, but there's no sense in rushing things when i think all signs point to slowing down. i waited 30 years to finally meet him, i think we can wait to get married while we focus on you know, being a couple.

and the first order of business is for us to be out of my parents' house and self-sufficient. i think being unemployed has taken a toll on patrick and on us. his last job at williams-sonoma was the first job he has ever felt proud about. since he graduated college he has suffered and stumbled through a variety of bad jobs and unemployment. leaving alabama three years ago was the best thing he ever did for himself or his career, but now he has to start all over again.

now is not the time to think about a wedding.

and well, to be honest, i have some reservations. i have doubts on how well he can handle adversity. will he rise to the occasion and do whatever is necessary or will he shrink and shrivel and hide? without going into too much detail, it's hard for me to tell.

i don't think he's ever really been challenged. and in the past when faced with stress or adversity, he resorts to escapism (ie: video games) because it gives him some sense of control. he never really did well in school and isn't particularly ambitious. for months he felt stressed about losing his job and i implored him to look for other work while he had a job. but it wasn't until he was laid off and forced to look for work that he did.

a much older friend of mine has said to me that she thinks i do too much for him. for all intents and purposes, i was his headhunter, contacting everyone i knew about leads, scouring the internet for jobs and information. i've become his trainer. his nutritionist. and practically his sole social outlet, especially now that he's not working.

and it has come to a point where it's just too much. these are things i think an adult should handle for themselves. being supportive doesn't mean doing it for him.

when he is faced with an obstacle, i've seen him get upset, frustrated and want to give up. he hates when he's not in control and he just has no desire to be out of his comfort zone. i don't think he has the humility to accept not knowing how to do everything. i don't think he has the coping skills to deal with it. to have hope, or positivity, or come up with a different solution. i think he lets adversity beat him down. i don't think he's learned to be resillient.

that being said, i think this capitol police job and the training required to get it, is exactly what he needs to boost his confidence and give him a new set of skills, professionally and personally. i have to believe that there really is a fighter inside who can learn to grit through pain and discomfort and succeed at something. he sees this as his only chance. his academic record is a joke, his professional record, he feels is a joke, and he has no other idea what he wants to do with his life. and when he says stuff like that to me i do wonder, why would you want me to marry you?

i have a tendency of seeing the best in people, trusting in them too quickly and too fiercely. and while i know for certain that he loves me and that he will treat me affectionately and lovingly my entire life and make me laugh the entire time, i need more. i need to know he can stand up as a partner.

there are times i know he gets down on himself because he feels i'm smarter than him, faster, stronger, better. but i guess the girls he dated in the past i guess weren't as accomplished, not that i'm a rocket scientist all-star. and i always tell him, i wasn't born this way. i have had to learn a lot. and teach myself a lot. if i can do it, you can do it. the only difference between me and him is that i had a desire to learn more and i didn't let anything stop me until i got to where i wanted to go.

how he and we handle the next few months will decide a lot.

wedding plans

ok before i go further, we are not yet engaged. trust me i would have alerted ya'll like seconds after it happened. but we're close and while he has not told me when he's gonna pop the question, we do have an idea of when and where we'd like to get married. and since that date will roll around in about a year, i told him we need to start planning anyhow.

so...the deets: summerish 2010, somewhere tropical, probably on a carribbean island at an all inclusive resort. we've set a budget of $20,000 since we'll be paying for this ourselves.

what we can't agree on is the number of people we will invite.

the core, bare bones is at 20. my parents and his. my 2 brothers and 2 sisters in law and nephew. my maid of honor and her mom. my matron of honor and her husband. his best friend. another of his close friends and his wife, her mom, and their daughter.

smallest wedding, ever right? but we thought, we'll have two receptions in the states, one in california and one in alabama to invite all the people who don't come to the real deal. sounds reasonable and i guess i can live with this but...

i would love to have my cousins there. and my aunts and uncles. and i KNOW i will get shit form them if they aren't invited. and i KNOW they'll even offer to pay their share to make it. and for me, it's hard to argue for them not to be invited. hell, i want them there!

but. patrick doesn't feel it's fair. his extended family (who he doesn't even see but once a year) can't afford to come and/or is physically incapable of making the trip. so if they can't come, i guess he feels my extra peeps can't come either. even if it isn't going to cost us any more money.

i find this absolutely ridiculous. and i feel like just because life has "punished" him, he feels i need to be equally "punished" as well. i don't understand how in this instance the more the merrier isn't a good thing. he's an only child. who grew up on the other side of alabama as the rest of his family. so he doesn't get that my cousins feel like brothers and sisters to me because we all grew up together. it pains me just as much to NOT invite them as it pains him to know even if we did invite the rest of his family they couldn't come for whatever reason.

the alternative is to have the wedding in alabama (BARF!) where everyone can be invited. which even then, i couldn't invite everyone because my family far outnumbers his and i know for a FACT that he'll be up in arms about my side being bigger. but i can't help it! we're catholic! we're filipino! we make big families! and even then, paying for a wedding of that size is not possible.

i guess in the end, we are going to have to stick to our original plan of just 20 people. even though i think it is ridiulous to exclude people who are willing to pay their own way to attend. am i totally off the mark in thinking this?

we've only just begun

so ever since my current job cut back on my hours months and months and months ago, i've been looking for a part-time gig to supplement my income. i finally got one that required no commute and would give me the hours i wanted, but wouldn't you know it, it's been picking up at the office. i've worked more hours this week than i have in over 9 months. funny how that happens, eh? but i'm not one to turn down money, especially since i've had to pare down for the majority of the year. it will be nice to finally start making bigger payments to the credit card companies again. i'll only be waiting tables twice a week and my first shift was tonight and man oh man am i getting too old for this. we did our speed workout this morning since last night we were busy and tomorrow morning we have our long run. and i get to work another shift.

i see many foot massages in my future.

i'm also gearing up to take another summer class. i was thinking of taking 2 then i remembered, oh yeah i'm running a marathon in the fall. overnight my leisurely 32 hour work week lifestyle has ramped up to a 50 hour work with with school and many miles of training per week.

and you know what? it feels good. i would much rather be too busy being productive than have so much free time that i feel lazy. the achiness in my feet feels good. and having numerous golas to focus on feels even better.

as for our speed workout today, we nixed driving all the way to the track since we only had an hour to get everything in. i plotted out a quarter mile stretch of road in the neighborhod and we ran and walked that back and forth. my 400s went like this: 2:23, 2:08, 2:10. getting faster overall, yes. but not negative splits. for whatever reason, running a straightaway 400 was easier than running a loop. and i could feel that i wasn't running my hardest, so next time i'll have to push more. and yes, i totally beat my boyfriend. i feel bad bc i know it messes with his mind. but this will probably be the only time i am ever faster than him, so i'm gonna enjoy it.

we did our pushups and situps too. and honestly, i did what was asked of me and a little more. and i only stopped because i was bored and not tired. well and i was crunched for time, but. i need a more effective and challengin way to get my core work done.

oh and more good news! i'm down 4.4 pounds for a total of 6 pounds from my heaviest. the weight loss has been slow, but steady. and while i'm definitely making concerted efforts to make every meal healthier, i haven't felt too much deprivation or angst. mango orange banana vivannos with matcha from starbucks certainly help with that! :)

giddy!!!!

secrets are SOOOOOO hard to keep!

despite progress, i still need to bitch.

if you thought that was a lot of info about my latest running purchases, wait til you hear about our workouts!

the week leading up to easter, we were totally on the ball with our workouts and diet. then come easter weekend we fell, more like crashed, off the wagon. something about holiday weekends and celebrating with family brings out the glutton in us. but here's the easter miracle: we felt AWFUL on monday and learned a valuable lesson about how our minds and bodies feel after binge eating and no exercise. since then whenever we entertain the thought of skipping a workout or indulging in a treat, we remind ourselves of Easter Monday and we're quickly back on track again.

i'm finding that having a set plan for every day of the week has helped keep us accountable. it also helps to see our week written down so we can easily shuffle things around if need be. patrick has even agreed to early morning workouts when we have had to plan other things for the evening! so while we have had to shift some days around, we haven't yet missed a long run or a speed workout.

i've even devised a run workout to replace one of our easy days. it's a :30 run/walk interval over the course of 2 miles. i figure it splits the difference between endurance and speed. the other day we even ran/walked the distance before our shred workout!

all in all, i'm pretty pleased with the way things are progressing though i do have a few things i need to bitch and vent about...

1. i miss my workout time as my alone time. i miss having an escape. as patrick's unofficial coach, i carry the burden of motivating him. i'm responsible for setting the schedule, picking the venue, waking him up, and all the logistical details like bringing water and planning pre and post workout meals. it's become a job. and while the accountability to another person has helped my consistency, it has sapped some of my enjoyment.
   
   
2. patrick whines a lot. and i'm sick of it. i not only have to motivate myself but motivate him and his constant whining makes it that much harder. "i'm tired. i'm cold. i'm hot. i hate this. i can't do it. it's too hard" i want to knock him upside the head and say "HARDEN THE FUCK UP ALREADY!" it's called working out because it's WORK! if you want to be a baby, then you'll have a baby's body. if you want a man's body, fucking take it like a man.
   
   
3. getting him to eat healthy food is excruciating. he is constantly dwelling on what he can't eat rather than trying to come up with healthy alternatives. he'd rather eat nothing than modify his favorite foods. he knows little about nutrition and has done little to educate himself. sometimes for fear of eating something unhealthy he eats nothing. he would rather rely on me as the keeper of his diet. which would be fine if he ate what i would eat. but the list of fruits and vegetables he likes is limited to very little. it's hard for me to cook a varied menu based on his limited arsenal of palatable foods. and don't even get me started on telling him to cook for himself. he is the king of frozen pizza and takeout. he refuses to cook in the kitchen without me for fear of screwing things up.
   
   
4. he's also very negative. he's constantly on himself about how he's not fast enough or not losing enough weight or how he's not going to be ready in time or any multitide of things. it takes a lot of coaxing on my part to get him out of his bad mood. i tell him it's hard enough as it is without your own voice telling you you can't do things. and while it's normal to feel these things, you have to learn how to turn them around and keep on chugging. while i enjoy being supportive, it's hard work.
   

i know i'm not the perfect workout partner or coach. and he probably has boatloads of bad things to say about me. i feel bad for bitching when i'm supposed to be supportive and positive and loving. i just wish he had another source for information and inspiration because it's become a little taxing for me.

stiumlating the economy at my local neighborhood running store

omg people, so much has been going on here. but before i recap our workouts back at easter i have to tell you guys about my recent purchases!!!!!!!

the local running store was hosting a "ladies night" with food, nuun-tinis, massages, fitness demonstrations, bra fittings, raffle prizes, etc. and since it has been a year since i got new shoes and i have gained a considerable amount of weight thought it was the perfect opportunity for me to get outfitted from head to toe.

i got some new shoes that feel amazing. in the 4 or so years i've been running, i have yet to be outfitted in the same pair of shoes twice. my new pair are saucony progrid 7
which is a stability shoe. i've gone through 3 different motion control shoes, 2 i wore with orthotics to a neutral shoe with orthotics. we're hoping it splits the difference from being over supported to under supported. and they feel even wider than my last pair, so my feet should be good to go. for now, these shoes feel like a dream!

i also got fitted for a sports bra. not only were my bras old but they had gotten too small (or more accurately, i had gotten too big). they got me fitted in a MUCH larger bra and even i was shocked at the size she gave me. i must have tried on 6 or 7 different bras, in different styles, some that i couldn't even figure out how to put on without two other hands to help. but we found one that fit like a dream: the dori bra from moving comfort. the girls are fully supported without any uniboob action. the $40 price tag was steep, but it's cheaper than the boob job i'll need if i don't get proper support. my sister in law was lucky enough to WIN a bra during the night. all i won was a pair of balega running socks and a miraculous feet cd of south african music! i can't really complain because i love balega socks, but i already have more than enough socks!

but what i am most excited about are the SKINS COMPRESSION SOCKS i got. HOLY MOTHER MARY OF GOD ARE THESE THE BEST THINGS EVER!!! i have been having serious shin and calf pain from not only running, but from days of being on my feet all day. i got to the store at 7 pm and i had already done my long run and been at the beach all day in flip flops. the salesgirl at the store actually had her socks on and she raved about how she wears them for recovery after hard workouts and when she's on the sales floor all day long. so for the low, low price of $45 (ha!) i got a pair of my own. i put them on as soon as i got home and within the hour, i could not stop raving about how good my calves and shins felt. no more pain at all! i expected the compression to feel more tight, but it wasn't at all uncomfortable. and i'm serious when i say that the muscle pain just disappeared! they are a litle dorky looking, especially with the little stirrup at the bottom to hook around your heel, but i just tucked that part under the hem. and under tights no once can tell. and they are really only meant to be worn on recovery workouts or at home while recovering. so hiding them under pants is easy. and for how good they made my calves and shins feel, i honestly don't care how dorky they look. these may just replace the post long run ice bath.



though some of the recovery could also be from the new massage stick i got. this sucker can reach and work any muscle. it's easy to apply the right amount of pressure to any area without it getting tiring. i rolled it over my calves, my shins, the bottoms of my feet, my quads, hips, back, neck. definitely worth the $35 price tag. especially since i can't afford to get a nice massage after every hard workout. i was most surprised and impressed with how well it worked with such little effort on my part.

so yeah, i definitely broke the bank last night, but all my purchases rate very high on the satisfaction scale. and i won socks and got a whole bunch of other goodies for going.

though the best part is probably that i now look forward to working out so i can use all this great new stuff!

the male ego

5 days in a row we've worked out. the last three days containing sets of pushups and situps. yet i STILL managed to eke out nearly double the reps today than what i did on monday. despite being sore. woot! i don't know what's gotten into me.

though it could explain why sg is a little grumpy.

he thinks i always try to outdo him. and well, i kinda do. i'm not particularly competitive, but with him i am. i don't want him to feel bad but at the same time i just can't stand letting him beat me. i had the advantage this week though. he wanted to go first. so all i had to do was mentally prepare myself to do better than him. is it my fault i went above AND beyond?

i told him next time i'd go first. that way he can't accuse me of anything. but how do i make him not feel bad if i do better?

400s

part of sg's physical fitness test requires him to run a mile and a half in at least 14 minutes. for most people i'm sure that's easy. for him and me? not so much. but we're workin' on it.

i figured he had to average 2:2o per lap to eke in right at 14:00. he ran his first lap in just under 2:00. then we walked a lap. then he ran his next 400m in 2:19. we walked a lap. his final running lap clocked in at 2:31, making his total time somewhere around 19 minutes. not too bad. not too great. but at least we have a benchmark.

he now knows what it feels like to run at a certain speed. he now knows how to pace himself. and how to push himself. and i have no doubt that he will do totally awesome in the coming weeks. it was such a thrill to be on the inside of the track, yelling and cheering, and running alongside him.

until it was my turn. boo. i ran my first 400 in 2:21, ran my second in 2:21, and ran my final lap at 2:27. pretty consistent. though not surprising since i really only have one speed at this point. but i will have to say, i would have never dragged my ass out to the track to do this workout alone. i guess there is something to this whole teamwork thing :)

we capped last night's workout with day 1, week 1 of the situps and pushups challenge.

today we did another shred workout. we're still on level 1 but we're both making pretty big gains. he can finish the whole workout and i can tell he's pushing himself. at one point, he took his shirt off because he was hot and of course i turned into a pile of girly goo. i lost all concentration, totally disctracted by his flexing, sweaty bod.

whoo! gets me hot just thinking about it now...

a new resolve

dudes! i totally forgot to tell you! sg and i are actually, for realsie, signed up for a 5k. not just talked about doing one. but actually for realsie signed up. like we paid the money and everything. it's sunday may 17 and the course starts at the woodbridge winery in lodi.

i know we've been on and off and on and off the let's get in shape bandwagon for months now. but i think finally we're on track. i made actual training logs in a notebook and wrote down all of our workouts from now til then. we're keeping daily track of our meals and our weight. our first endurance workout was last saturday at the arboretum in davis where we walked/ran (walk 4/run 1) a shady 3.5 miles in 45 minutes. we really liked the trail and will do all of our "long runs" there, with an eye to slowly increase our running portion and decrease or walking portion. he'll get used to the distance and pacing himself and he knows for a fact that he can finish. now all we have to do is watch ourselves improve.

though last night we went on our easy 2 mile walk and had a huge fight. we had just gotten back from my family's easter party and he asked, "why do you lament so much about being 'fat' and 'ugly' yet you continue to eat the things you know you shouldn't? it makes you so sad and i wonder why someone who knows what she should be doing, doesn't do it."

and of course i got defensive and said, "i don't want to talk about it"

but he pressed on saying, "look when you get upset, i get upset. i hate seeing you get down on yourself about this. and you take your sadness and anger and take it out on me. so i want to know what i can do to help you."

to which i firmly said (maybe kinda sorta said really loudly), "i didn't ask for your help. it's my issue. i don't want to deal with it you. i don't want to have to admit to my boyfriend that i am too fat and lazy to do anything about being too fat and lazy! i don't want your help. i'll deal with it on my own!"

he stormed off. i stormed off. and i seethed. i already felt bad enough, i didn't need my boyfriend telling me i'm weak. and a hypocrite. i was furious.

eventually, we met up on the way home and i said, "look, i know you always want to help because you love me and i will always resist because i just have this streak in me that wants to do things by myself and somehow we're gonna have to meet in the middle"

and he said, "for the most part, i let you do what you want to do, how you want to do it, and when you want to do it. with the exception of you cutting up your credit card, you haven't changed anything about how you do anything. i didn't bring this up to criticize you or make you feel bad because i love you. everything about you. i've been down the same road before and seen my parents go through it. it's okay to accept my help. and it's not an indication that you are weak. we can do this together."

and i softened. because i knew that i wasn't mad at him. i was mad at the mirror he was putting in front of me. he was making me admit i had bad habits. he was making me admit i was being a hypocrite. i was in denial for so long, acting like i could eat and do whatever i wanted, because i just didn't want to face the truth: that i got to the size i am now through horrible eating habits and pure laziness. and that the road to health and fitness is never easy. and that i can't to everything myself.

as much as i hated admitting to it, i was grateful for it. i felt so tiny and to some degree ashamed of not being able to take care of myself, yet he loved me and even offered his support and love.

from then on, it solidified to me that this was going to be a team effort. and a new resolve, for both of us, has sunk in.

life is good

recession or not, life is good when you can leave work at 5 and be home at 5:07. and beautiful hiking trails are only 10 minutes away. and there is plenty of sunshine and gentle breezes. it was satisfying to know that while some had to spend the 6 o'clock hour in traffic, we got to spend it working up a sweat with each other in the great outdoors.

sweating to the oldies

thankfully, we're not talking richard simmons. but close. remember those infomercials for 8 minute abs? yeah, i've got the whole series on dvd. abs, arms, legs, buns. and since i'm resting the calves, i dusted off these dvds for a 32 minute workout. not bad actually. for someone as out of shape as me and sg.



speaking of infomercials, does anyone have the P90X dvds? they look totally intense and totally worth it. any insight?

signs of wisdom??

you know how you usually injure yourself doing something totally stupid and lame and when you're hobbling around all gimpy and people ask you how you hurt yourself you wish you had a much more interesting, if not, heroic story to tell?

i've sidelined myself for a week because i can feel the tendon along the sides of my calves is not happy with me. it's a condition i'm very familiar with. and it has nothing to do with anything awesome or badass. but has everything to do with the fact that i'm a fat ass who touristed around d.c. for 4 days with insufficient arch support.

the weight i've gained over the last 6 months or so is no freaking joke. and something i really am taking into consideration as i train. i think of all the extra poundage i'm lugging around and i cringe thinking about the load my poor biomechanically retarded feet have to carry.

anyway, it's a little bit of an anticlimactic start. i'll spend this week doing mainly strength exercises for my upper body and core. but i think a dose of conservatism here is better than my usual dose of stubbornness. see, i did learn something!

signs of buffness?

yesterday, i took the boy on a 3.5 mile loop around the neighborhood. we "power-walked"most of it with short spurts of running. he bitched practically the whole way, but we got through it in about 50 minutes.

today was day 4 of level 1 on the shred and already it's getting easier. i can tell. sg is doing less whining and more working! yay for us.

tomorrow will be a sort of easy day, i think. a leisurely walk followed by some totally old school 8 minute abs and arms. or maybe some easy-ish yoga.

come saturday, it'll be all about endurance. i wonder if i can even eke out a 3 mile long run?

and we're back

so yeah, i had a brief moment of "what the hell do you think you're doing?" in regards to the marathon. then just as quickly as it came, it went away.

so yeah. marathon. 30 weeks.

i'm going with hal higdon's 18 week novice program and started this week with his 12 week spring training. it's an interesting thing going at this the second time around. in my head i know i can do it. no fear there. but i know just how much it can suck. and just how hard it can be. but i also know where my weak points are and already have an arsenal of tricks up my sleeve to correct those.

plus this time around, i won't be waiting tables! that's a huge relief for my feet and lower body. although to some degree i'm sure that all the walking i did waitressing probably did some good, especially on those training days i skipped. but in the end, i think it's best that i reserve the time on my feet for serious actual training.

i'm excited, guys! like really really excited!

on another note, sg and i just came back from dc where he took the preliminary test for the capitol police. they said that on average about 70 people show up for the test. this time, there were over 300! and they hold 3 a month! so the candidate pool is much larger than normal. we will know in 2 weeks or so if he passed and from there we go to step 2.

they also gave us what he would be tested on physically and how to gauge his current level of fitness with what they of expect their top candidates. let's just say we have a lot of work to do. but it's totally doable. and now that we know exactly what he needs to do, we can totally train for it.

i'm training him for a 5k in about 8 weeks. 3 days of running and 2 days of jillian's shred. i think we'll work in one day of speed training because he has to get his 1.5 mile time down to AT LEAST 13:50. and he'll totally have to get on board with the 100 pushups challenge. from what my friend who is on the force has told me, they love running and pushups!

my boyfriend is gonna be so buff!

squeeeeeee!!!

i'm in!

i'm in!

I'M IN!!!!!

while i haven't gotten official notice exactly, nothing is more official than the exchange of funds, and the nike people have extracted $120 from my bank account, so....

i'm running, bitches! WOOT!

day 3 of shred

when does it get start getting easy? and when will my back fat go away?

*sigh*

ps. wii fit loves me. down a net .8 lbs again :)

run, fat boy, run

when this movie came out, i HAD to see it. watching it again on dvd reignited my love for the marathon. it strikes the perfect balance between the lunacy of running 26.2 miles and the power of the human spirit. marathoners can be a pretty serious, self-important bunch, wrapped up in all kinds of technical nonsense. i just love watching normal people transform and push themselves to do things they never thought possible. i watched spirit of the marathon the same summer. and while it is awesome to see what deena kastor's training is like, i don't really identify with her (except for her love of wine). she was obviously born to run. it's her job to run. the woman is a machine! and i mean that with lots of respect and admiration it's just that i am motivated by measly little people like me, who enjoy beer and have too many fat clothes in their closet who find enough gumption every day to eke out their mere mortal workouts.

by the end of the month i'll know if i've won the nike women's marathon lottery. i really really really hope i do. i think i want to run and finish this marathon more than i did two years ago. keep your fingers crossed, boys and girls. 'cause this fat girl wants to run!

i almost forgot

wii fit told me i lost .4 pounds this morning. and when i weighed myself tonight, i had lost .4 more pounds!

i know. i know.

don't weigh yourself so much.

the loss is nothing more than normal weight fluctuation throughout the day.

but at least i didn't fluctuate UP!

small victories people. small victories. with the scale going up as much as it has in the past year, i'll take ANY small victories.

double the workout

day 2 level 1 of the shred. this time with sg. i have to say he toughed it out pretty well. it certainly taxed him, and at one point when i was correcting his form on the lunge he nearly spat fire and bit my head off. later, when we took a short walk to cool down, he told me he doesn't want me to talk when we work out. he said he doesn't like that i have to be an expert at everything. yeesh!

so yeah, note to self, if you want to stay with sg long enough to make him your husband, let him suffer through his workouts in silence. i'm hoping that as things get easier for him, he'll start to enjoy our workouts. tomorrow i think i'll take it easy on him and go for a leisurely walk at the lagoon.

to add insult to injury, after our cooldown he went inside and i took off for a 2 mile run. the run i was supposed to do in the morning but was too sore to do. the 20 minutes shred got me so pumped i felt strong enough to get through a run. WOOT!

i'm definitely sore now. but will try to do some yoga in the morning. but i'm taking friday off. i think. this workout thing is getting addicting again!

workout for two

so not only did i rock the shred today, but i rocked the yoga too. i took sg out for a run/walk, hoping to do at least 2 miles, but then his back started acting up. i guess moving has been strenuous. so i decided we should try some yoga instead. he did pretty well in my opinion for someone who has never done yoga before. but he felt pretty defeated. poor guy. it didn't help that when we weighed ourselves on the wii fit, it told him he gained weight. that wii fit can be pretty brutal. the good news is, i didn't lose or gain. this is a HUGE victory for me because besides the last 2 or 3 days, i haven't even really been trying.

i don't consider myself in very good shape at all, but even so what i think is easy isn't so easy for sg. and i'm afraid that he won't be in good enough shape to at least start physical training and not want to cry. he's gonna have to get used to feeling uncomfortable and sometimes really struggling to see some gains. it's never been easy to get back on the wagon for me, but i am a masochist and sort of enjoy that sweat and pain. for him, not so much. i try my very very best not to give him too much lip when he whines. because what i think he needs right now is encouragement. but it's hard. wish us luck. this isn't going to be easy.

waking up with jillian

like the rest of the world, i've adopted jillian michaels as my personal trainer. day one of her 30 day shred was pretty good. doable, but definitely lots of room for improvement. and she isn't all annoying and fake perky. she's tough. and motivating.

though i felt a little self conscious doing jumping jacks while the rest of the house slept. seriously, the whole house shook. *sigh* i guess if i keep it up, i won't have to worry about feeling like an elephant tromping around anymore.

the big move

so, the boyfriend is all moved in.

it's just me and him. and my mom and my dad. in a 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom 2,000+ square foot house. surprisingly, it's not so bad. though time will tell. at the very least it is saving us TONS of money and saving me from having to drive 90 miles round trip every week to see him.

right now, we're in a pretty good spot. if sg passes the preliminary capitol police test in 2 weeks, he'll face an interview, background check, and polygraph. and if that goes well, he goes to georgia and then to maryland for a total of 7 months for training. the good news is, training is paid. so we'll be able to bank 7 months of his salary while having minimal living expenses. this job could very well launch us firmly and comfortably into the next step.

so dealing with the "full house" situation for now, is very doable, because we know the next step is going to be HUGE.

in that same vein, i finally for the first time ever, got my budget set up on a spreadsheet. it turns out i have more money than i thought, and was spending like a fool before. i've been able to project into the future and figure out when i'll have a decent sized emergency fund and when all my debts will finally be paid.

so while sg is busting his ass in federal officer training, i'll be slaving away, chipping away at my debts so we can get married DEBT FREE! i hate that i'm the dead weight when it comes to this, but he's understanding is thankful that by living with my parents he is able to put even more money away in savings every month.

so we're pluggin' along. just like everyone else in america.

i might also have some good news at the end of the month.....

the truth about my job

i know i've been bitching and moaning about my job, but since the beginning of lent, i've done some re-evaluating.

my job? it ain't that bad. it's my attitude that has sucked.

i took this job just to tide me over until i found what i really wanted to do. and i found that those jobs were in scarce supply and that i needed additional training. it really hurt my ego to be making about what i made right out of college, since i've been working for 6 years and have since built up my salary. it really hurt my ego to be doing "grunt work" again, stuff that barely taxed my brain. stuff that is sooo beneath me.

i felt like my job wasn't good enough. therefore, i wasn't good enough. i avoided telling people what i did and where i worked because i knew i was capable of so much more. and well, i felt people expected more from me. and i held onto those feelings for a long time.

until i realized, it doesn't really matter. my family doesn't care about what i do. and my boyfriend loves me no matter what.

my job pays my bills, and gives me a little extra to save and spend. the people i work for appreciate the work i do and praise me often. my hours have been cut to 32, but even so, the money is enough and i get three day weekends with the people i love. i can wear jeans and a sweatshirt everyday if i want. my commute is 3 miles, so i can go home for lunch. it's sometimes a little stressful, but it's the kind of stress that doesn't follow you home. and every once in awhile i get a good, fun project to sink my teeth into.

seriously, who can complain with that?

for now, it will do. and for now, it's what i need. bigger and better are on the horizon, but for now, i'm thankful for what i have. and that attitude change makes a huge difference in my overall happiness.

wii fit is my friend

it said i lost 4 pounds.

i love you, wii fit.

writing stuff down

as i said yesterday, i started a food journal. and boy is it working. i eat less. i eat better. and i'm less hungry. all because i'm more mindful of what i eat, when i eat it, and how. i'm not worrying too much about calories and such, but i'm taking the time to choose and plan healthier options than hastily choosing what's fast and good. i've stopped eating after 6 and it's easier than i thought. i'm making a conscious effort to eat slowly and chew my food instead of inhale it. fancy that! no seriously, i am like the queen of inhaling food. i take like 3 bites, swallow, then continue to scarf. it's no wonder i overeat.

i also find i'm not eating just because i'm bored. or upset. or emotional. knowing you are going to have to write down everything you eat really makes you stop and think twice. because i'm also the queen of indulgence. i found a reason to indulge myself in a treat probably everyday. "i'm stressed." or "i'll workout later." (only to take a nap) or "i'll start my diet next week. i should get in all my treats now while i can." knowing i'll have to write my food down makes me stop, think, and realize i'm turning to food for comfort. and in that second my brain goes through a list of other things i could do to cope. last night, i kept a food binge at bay by watching videos of my nephew.

i know, it's only 2 days. but i'm already seeing the benefits. plus i got a cute, red pocket moleskine calendar to write everything down in. i am a geek for notebooks and theirs are by far the best ever.

i'm hoping it will also have enough room for me to keep track of my daily spending. if you have any good tips on budgeting software or techniques, please send them my way.

today i:

1. woke up later than i wanted but still had time to eat breakfast in peace, curl my hair, and rock a purple eyeshadow look.
2. found out i didn't get the job i interviewed for on monday, but realized i didn't really want it anyway.
3. cut about an hour off a project at work by coming up with an ingenious shortcut!
4. resisted the urge to nap by doing yoga and felt 10x more invigorated!
   
5. took a candlelit shower.
6. was reminded for the millionth time that my boyfriend is the best.
7. finally figured out how to purl!!!!!!

happy humpday

today i:

1. finally learned the purl stitch!
2. set it up so $100 more gets put towards my last credit card every month.
   
3. set it up so more $ gets puts towards my savings every month.
4. made some awesome mac n cheese with tuna.
5. started my food journal.
6. spent 25 minutes on my wii fit. stupid pushups and side planks.
7. got mucho praise at work today.
8. made my bed :)
9. scored tickets to tomorrow night's king's game featuring the jabbawokeez at half time!
10. got to bust out a new eyeshadow palette!

Episode 5 - JabbaWockeez in America's Best Dance Crew - Funny video clips are a click away

paying attention

every year, i look forward to lent. crazy, i know. it's like spring-cleaning for the soul. and by the time easter comes, the days are longer, the weather is nicer, and it really is a time for rejoicing no matter what you believe in.

lately, i've been thinking about why i've been feeling so stuck. it strikes me as odd that i am so happy and so in love yet so dissatisfied with a lot of other things in life. like my job. like my weight. like my lack of motivation to really fix those things.

there's a lot i could go into regarding the why and i honestly won't bore you. simply put it comes down to this: i need to stop worrying about what i can't control.

so my lenten promise is to take better care of myself.

be more mindful of what i feed my body. be more mindful of how i treat my body. be more mindful of how i spend my time. be more mindful of what i watch, what i say, and what i do.

be more deliberate, and less rushed. less frenetic. more purposeful.

be more mindful of how i spend my money. be grateful for what i have by taking better care of my things and sharing what i have in excess.

wake up earlier so the first hour of my day is just for me. and spend a few minutes every night listing all the things that made me happy.

countdown to valentine's day

just so you know, i've always loved valentine's day. even when i was single. it goes back to the days in elementary school where we made cutesy mailboxes to put on our desk and went around dropping cutesy little cards into each one. for me, that holiday craft was so much more fun than making turkeys by tracing your hand.

anyway, sg has a romantic weekend planned. we're going here.and staying in the moon hot tub suite. i know, my life is so hard. there will be dinner and a live band and dancing. and even though it's forecasted to rain the entire weekend, i'm sure we will still make good use of the hot tub on the balcony overlooking the lake.

i. love. my. boyfriend.

we're moving in together

but it's not what you think.

sg is moving in with me...

and my parents.

yeah, i know. crazy.

we ran the numbers and it just made the most sense. why drive an hour every week to see him? why pay upwards of $1200 for an apartment while he's out of work for god knows how long? we're hoping to not have to touch the severance bonus they gave him and pocket it for a rainy day (or maybe some shiny bling for our engagement). we will even be able to actually save some of the money he gets from unemployment and i won't have to work the weekends schlepping bloomin' onions.

but yeah, i know. crazy.

my parents were surprisingly sympathetic and open. and while i'm not so naive as to think this is just gonna be peachy, i think it's still for the best and i'm grateful my parents are so generous. if all 4 of us can get through this situation, then we really were meant to be family.

seven months and counting

sg and i celebrate another month together. seven in total. i know you all think i'm crazy keeping track of months when you all have decades under your belt, but being in love with "the one" has been the most amazing thing to happen to me. it boggles my mind how i can love him more everyday. and i'm amazed at how the simplest things make me feel so happy and so complete.

this month, though, i think he and i became, "we". it has been our most stressful month but instead of being at odds, it brought us together. and i feel like we crossed yet another huge milestone in our lives together. we were on our way to my cousin's birthday party and he was driving and we were just talking and holding hands and i just looked at him and thought "wow, this is my forever." it felt so natural and wonderful for him to be part of my family and there was no where else i wanted to be in that moment than right next to him. and i've been getting that feeling a lot lately.

once i realized i could leave my family to start a new life with him, i feel like we seamlessly flowed from his and hers to ours. with his layoff, sg and i now start talking about starting "our lives" and "our future", with "our money". and i don't flinch. being a part of 'us' is more important to me than just being me. and i finally feel like i'm not necesarily losing 'me' in the process. i am now just part of something bigger. and honestly, i couldn't feel more proud.

next month, sg and i are headed to dc where he will take the preliminary test for employment to the capitol police. i have a friend who works on the force and is now one of nancy pelosi's bodyguards and can most likely push his process through much faster than the normal 6 to 12 month time frame. which is a good and bad thing. good, because he'll be working sooner. bad, because it means i have less time here.

i'm concerned about whether or not this is necesarily the right fit for him. luckily, i don't have to worry about his safety because it is the safest law enforcement job ever. apparently, guarding the capitol and members of congress isn't all that risky. thankfully. he doesn't think he'll get anywhere with his degree and his experience, considering the economic situation. and he thinks this will be a great opportunity to get in with the federal government. for him, working is all about money and security. for me, the starving artist, it's about living up to my creative potential. they pay pretty well and of course are very secure and it will give me the freedom to pursue what i want without necesarily worrying about being the breadwinner. we're hoping that this training could lead to many different opportunities and the upside is that law enforcement is needed everywhere so a move back to california is very much possible in time.

and hello! being married to a man in uniform!? yum!

but we'll see what happens. we have some other leads but nothing concrete yet. so we're still plugging away like the rest of you.

in other news, i picked up a weekend waitressing gig. again. it seems i can never hang up my apron. to be honest, i do enjoy it. and the extra money will definitely be nice. let's hope it's like riding a bike. it's been a year.

other than that, not much else. i've been burning calories by worrying and not sleeping. i picked up jillian michael's 30 day shred the other day and am going to try it tomorrow morning. i hear it's killer. hopefully it'll help me get down a size before my return to dc.

interview of a blogger

one of my favorite bloggers, stacy, at dare to tri wants to know:

1. What makes you laugh the hardest?
when someone does something so innocently cute when they think no one is looking. it's obviously unrehearsed and that moment can never ever be replicated or copied.

2. What do you look forward to in 2009?
finding a great job. sg finding a great job. hopefully, being in a stable enough financial place to get engaged. getting back into shape.

3. Who would you consider your mentor and why?
this is a tough question. i don't know if i have one now. in college, i had 2 professors who were instrumental in me leaving my intended major to become a designer. and after college, i worked for 6 years for a woman who was not only my boss but a surrogate aunt. the closest thing i have to an older brother is my friend dale. he's 6 years older than me, always finds a way to be objective yet compassionate, and never judges anything i tell him. we don't talk more than once a month, but he's always there when i need him and our friendship never seems to skip a beat when we reconnect.

4. What's the best and worst thing about being a woman?
best: i think women have more options than men, at least in america. men have stricter defined social roles whereas i think that women have more opportunity to try different things and fulfill many and multiple roles.

worst: i hate that we are considered the "weaker" sex and i feel the need to prove otherwise.

5. What is one fear that you would like to conquer?
i would soooo love to have the balls to negotiate. i can't even haggle prices at a flea market. but i'd love to be able to demand a certain salary and get it or cut through salesmen bullshit and get a fair deal on a car or talk credit card companies into giving me better rates.

i am such a pussy when it comes to stuff like that. i am the eternal peacemaker and would rather pay a small price to avoid confrontation. and in the end i'm ok with that. but still...

To play along:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the questions).
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

sailboats and puppies

chrissy field, on a beautiful sunny saturday morning, is swarming with dogs. and runners, bikers, and families. little kids frolick nekkid in the water and the bay is covered in a rainbow of sailboats. it's hard to believe it's january.

i couldn't help but think of how hard it would be leave this place.

we ran to fort point, under the golden gate, where there were some civil war reenactment fesitivies going on. we watched women sew and wash clothes on a washboard and watched an infantry drill. then we trekked back to the car to stretch.

all in all, we spent a good 2 hours, soaking up some vitamin d, and sweating out some toxins.

sg kept saying," there must be some sort event with all these people out here". to which i relplied, "no honey, this is what people do on a saturday when it's beautiful outside!"

and even though i had to DRAG him out of bed, he was very thankful i did. he said he felt great afterward! and that just made my day.

so yay! first real workout and he didn't kill me.

quickies

• i was reading through some old posts that included some actual running, and WHOA! yeah, i want that again. so i went running tonight.
• running past restaurants watching people eat is the best feeling ever.
• i've been a whole range of sizes in my life, but my ultimate rule is that i'm not bad fat unless my stomach sticks out farther than my boobs. i'm getting dangerously close to that. so yeah, i went running tonight.
• i love how it's always the perfect weather to run in san francisco, but i HATE the friggin' hills.
  
• i've been stressed all week getting very little sleep. i got to sg's last night, snuggled in and slept like a baby.
• tomorrow is my cousin's birthday and i'm cracking open a new bottle of "rum island iced tea". i've never tried it. i hope i don't regret it.
• i'm also busting out a new set of false lashes for the occasion.
  
• i made the best chicken tortilla soup tonight.
• i'm hoping to get sg and i back on track with the training schedule tomorrow. stay tuned.
  

conjoined

i've been having major withdrawal.

i feel like my left arm is missing because sg is no longer at his desk all day, conveniently poised to i.m. me at any given moment. where we can exchange random nothings and "i love yous" all day long. not having him at my disposal makes me feel so...lonely.

i'm sick in the head. i've turned into one of those mushy, starry-eyed, in-love girls.

i don't know why i see it as a weakness.

i don't know why i don't just embrace it and be happy that when i tell my boyfriend i miss him, after half a day without talking to him, that he says "honey, you've been on my mind all day."

i've been in a funk all weekend, but i always feel better after i talk to him. hearing him say, "i'm always here for you" makes our burdens seem so much easier to bear.

maybe a little bit catty

so things may not be going along exactly how i would like them to in my life, but at least i don't look like jessica simpson:

sure, she has millions of dollars stashed somewhere and her boyfriend still has his job, but at least i'm not performing at chili cook-offs in awful fake hair. i'd still take my life (and my jeans) over hers any day.

the bright side

we have been flooded with kind words and offers to help ever since we got the bad news. the support has been amazing. and we are so grateful.

in a lot of ways, i really do see this as a blessing. his career was going nowhere there. but he had gotten too comfortable to really do anything about it.

but now, things are different.

i think it's the kick in the pants he needed to finally examine what it is he wants to do and maybe take some risks he was unwilling to take before. and no longer do we have to wait and wait for the bad news to come. in a lot of ways, we can finally move on with our lives.

we're sort of at a free-for-all. we are both now given the freedom to search for what will make us happy, career-wise. i know the economy looks bleak, but for whatever reason, i feel like this is finally our chance. i really do feel like this was for the best and it is opening us up for something truly awesome.

maybe i'm delirious. or maybe this over-enthusiasm is just my mind's defense against utter depression. but faith has gotten me this far, and i sure as hell am not giving up.

how i've dealt with sg's layoff news sort of goes along in tandem with some thoughts i've had about last week's post. i left home when i was 18 to discover myself, to make a name and a life for myself that didn't always have the mark of my family on it. and as much as i missed them, i loved the life i made for myself. and i'm sort of feeling that calling again. i am eternally gratefuly for them for being there to help me pick up the pieces and rebuild again. and it feels like a kick in the pants for me to leave again. but i really do think part of me needs to distance myself in some way (not necesarily physically) to truly make a life for myself again. without my mom's voice in my head second guessing everything, without the pull of obligations from everyone, without the safety net i've grown accustomed to again. in a perfect world, our perfect jobs would be within 2 hours of my family. but this is not a perfect world. and me being willing to move away has more to do with forging MY new life than choosing patrick over my family.

and how lucky am i to forge a new life with the man made for me?

in a way, i guess it sounds selfish. but for whatever reason, it makes sense in my head. i felt uncomfortable choosing a man over my family, when i realized that man is integral to my happiness. and that i wasn't just doing it for him. or for us. but for me too.

and that's a decision i can feel comfortable with.

cupcakes to the rescue

photo from yumsugar.com

sg got laid off today.

along with many of his friends. 30% of the williams-sonoma brand to be exact.

he's in good spirits, as far as i can tell. better than i thought he would be anyway. i offered to make the drive and shower him with love and affection and he declined the offer. i think he just needed some time to process everything.

so of course, i've been calling and emailing everyone i know. and so far he/we have gotten nothing but tons of support. and i've been online searching and hunting for him.

but yeah, i need a break. finally, after months of waiting, the news finally came. in a way, i'm grateful. part of me believes this is a blessing in disguise.

so i'm going to do the only thing that sounds good right now.

and that's bake.

chocolate cupcakes.

with lots of frosting.

keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

the idiots guide to running a 5k in 10 weeks

in 10 weeks, (70 days), patrick will be running his first 5k. and he enlisted ME to help! i'm certainly no professional, but i'm all he's got. hopefully, taking on the role of "teacher" will keep me focused and motivated to set a good example and keep my ass in gear. god help us both.

patrick is a fitness virgin. meaning he knows NOTHING about exercise. he probably couldn't do a proper form squat by himself if he even knows what one is, and he certainly has no equipment. it took a gift card from me at christmas to get him set up with the proper running shoes. so i knew the plan had to be idiot proof.

i drafted a 10 week jeff galloway run/walk program that relied more on increasing running time than running distance, because i knew he wouldn't want to be bothered to look up running routes. twice a week we run/walk on our own, and on saturday, we run for distance when i can "supervise". i gave him my old ironmatch watch (it's pink!) and he's all set!

i also decided that some sort of strength training was necessary and decided on the good old fashioned push-up. when looking up the 100 push-ups plan, i also found out they have a 200 sit-ups plan. lucky us! their 6 week plans align with our 10 week plan perfectly. so now we're on both. 3 times a week we have a push-up and sit-up regimen to follow.


by adding this component, i also figured that it would give him more areas in which to improve, just in case his running gains were slow coming. i mean it takes quite a while to improve your speed. and right now we're just focusing on getting him out there. and for a while it's gonna feel crappy. but in my experience, strength, as long as he's consistent, builds on itself pretty easily because you're only "punishing" yourself for a minute or so at a time. today he did 10 pushups. by next week he will most definitely be doing more, even if all he can do is 12. but that is measurable success.

in that same vein, i knew we needed a way to measure "before" and "after". i knew we needed a benchmark so we did a series of tests based on the old school fitness tests we all had to take in elementary school!


lo and behold they have one for adults! and looky here, it contains a running, push-up, and sit-up element! am i a genius or what?

here are our results:
miss petite america
1.5 mile run time: 17:30 (i ran the whole way! woot!)
half sit-ups (in one minute): 65
push-ups: 15
height: 5'3"
weight: 177 (shut up! i got an earful from my wii fit already!)
waist measurement (at the belly button): 36.5 (HOLY CRAP! pretend you didn't see that)

southern gent
1.5 mile run time: 19:39
half sit-ups (in one minute): 51
push-ups: 10
height: 5'10
weight: 189
waist measurement (at the belly button): 39

so yes, i am a fat ass. but i beat my boyfriend in every category!

anyway...you take your results and input them into the website to see where you stand among your peers:
miss petite america
1.5 mile run time: 25%ile
half sit-ups (in one minute): 95%ile (woot!)
push-ups: 30%ile
average: 50%ile (whew!)
BMI: 31.4, obese, very high risk of disease (crap!)

southern gent
1.5 mile run time: 5%ile
half sit-ups (in one minute): 65%ile
push-ups: 5%ile
average: 25%ile
BMI: 27.1, overweight, increased risk of disease

obviously, we both have lots of room for improvement. but i think we have a pretty fail-proof plan. in 70 days we'll be crossing that finish line faster, stronger, and leaner than we are today. and we'll be doing it together!

love vs. love

i thought that once i found "the one", i would want for nothing. but lately, i'm beginning to wonder.

sg and i have talked about expanding our job search to states outside of california. initially, i balked. and even cried. "i just moved back. i just moved back!" but with the way things are looking, i'm seeing more and more reasons to not limit ourselves to my home state. yes, things are pretty bad everywhere, but as desperate job seekers, it seems futile to limit ourselves too much geographically. i get it.

but what price can you put on family?

could i hump this crappy job for much longer in hopes of things turning around just so i can see my nephew whenever i want? could i postpone graduate school indefinitely until i can figure out a way to swing it without having to work 2 jobs while living at home?

is it worth sg?

could i say no to moving with the man i want to marry because i can't bear to be away from my family? could i be happy living with the man i love even if it means living across the country AGAIN from ALL of my family?

i don't know.

i just really don't know.

and it will be hard for me to be on board with any plan until i know.

but can i really know?

does this mean i'm NOT ready to get married? to commit?

he says, "together we are stronger. we will get through this."

and in my head i'm thinking, "but i don't know who i am without them."

i never in all my life conceived of a life without my family.

maybe i'm not ready to be a "we". or maybe he really isn't the one. or maybe i need to put on my big girl pants and cut the strings. i never thought of living a life where i would have to. but that doesn't mean i can't be happy if i do, right?

life is so very strange. i left the east coast, my career, my friends, to find solace in my family. they helped build me back up again. and in my time here, i found a wonderful, wonderful man who i want to marry.

what is the next step?

wine and pancakes

we picked a race!

on saturday march 28th, sg and i will run through the beautiful napa valley and be rewarded with a wine tasting and a pancake breakfast. served to us by firemen!

sg thinks it will be fun. i guess all it takes is a free tshirt and promise of food to make him happy. little does he know there are some challenging hills on this course. but we'll no doubt conquer them because there are plenty of hills for us to practice on around here.

though training is slow going, since we are both sidelined with a bad cough. it's to bad because the weather this weekend has been glorious. let's hope it holds up for inaugural training run next weekend.

this economy is such a drag

ok so i know this "recession" is on everyone's minds and is affecting everyone, and i've resisted talking about it because who wants to be a debbie downer? but well i can't take it anymore.

sometime over the summer my current job cut my hours down to 32. at first it was cool. yay! every friday off. them my bank account started to dwindle. and i had to cut some things. then patrick started to get news of slumping sales at ws and they started laying people off.

i've been on the hunt for a new job, but haven't found anything. everything i find requires me to have more multimedia/web experience. which is fine, i'll go back to school, but in order to do that i need extra cash. but in order to get more money, i need a better job. i've even considered doing something else, but either way i need training and have no resources yet to go down any new path. i feel trapped. i feel stuck.

so all summer i've been spinning my wheels. i was offered a position somewhere else but the amount they were going to pay was a ridiculous insult. so i turned them down. but now the job market seems even more bleak. and at yesterday's staff meeting, the boss talked about cutting more costs, maybe meaning even less hours or less benefit. GAH!

i sucked it up and decided i may as well bartend or wait tables, which has always been a lucrative fallback. i interviewed for a bartending gig and they told me within 24 hours of posting the ad, they had 160 people respond. 160 people!! i can't imagine what the responses are like for REAL jobs. they whittled the pack down to 20, and will whittle those who interviewed down to 4 before they make the final selection. i have never had to hustle so hard for a restaurant job. they've always been given to me on the spot.

patrick and i are trying to make the move to co-habitate, but this economy is not helping. ws is threatening a third round of layoffs. i know in many ways we are lucky. we don't have a mortgage, and we're only supporting ourselves. but man is it ever hard to try to start a new life in this economic climate.

and what the hell does it mean when they say california is going bankrupt!? how the hell does a state go bankrupt!? where the hell am i supposed to go? what the hell am i supposed to do? how in the world are we going to employ the hundreds and thousands of people out of work?

i don't get it. i just don't get it. how in the world did we get to this place? wasn't i reassured at some point growing up that if i went to college i would get a good job and be ok?

grrrrrrr...

mpa <3 sg

** warning: this is a post where i gush lavishly about my love life. **

in one of our first conversations before meeting, patrick laid out his plans for marriage, kids etc. and he actually said to me, "well let's say you and i meet, and things go well, we could be married in a year, have 2 years to ourselves, then we'd start having kids by age 33, which i think is the perfect time."

for most people that would have been way intense and way presumptuous. especially coming from someone you hadn't even met yet in person. but for whatever reason, i found it utterly refreshing. he wasn't afraid to lay it all out there and say, yes i'm looking for a wife and yes, i want kids. he was serious. i was serious. and so it began.

i look back at our 6 months together and marvel at how our relationship evolved so quickly and in such unexpected ways. i definitely had a plan in mind on how a proper relationship should go, how THE relationship would feel like, yet this was nothing at all like how i planned. but it's been so much better.

my love and appreciation for patrick grew exponentionally on our visit home to meet his parents and his family this christmas. it's a little hard to describe. finally seeing where he came from, meeting his family and being so warmly welcomed, seeing how relaxed and content "home" felt for him, seeing just how much he loves his family. something about seeing how happy his parents are after 38 years of marriage felt like i was somehow looking into the future. our future. after a few days it was all too much for me, and while we talked before bed i told him just how happy i was, just how much i loved him and i was bawling because i just felt like my heart was bursting, i just couldn't contain my joy. (if that didn't make you hurl, i don't know what will)

but what i think is probably the best indicator of the evolution of our relationship is that i think we've learned how to fight. i made a rule a long time ago that we wouldn't go to bed angry and we've stuck to it. and i know there are time we both want to keep picking, but stop bc we just don't like being angry at each other. resolution is always more important to us. it might not always happen right away, but it does. and that's a good feeling.

i am grateful everyday for him.

a new chapter

so, i'm kind of over the whole running blog thing.

it doesn't mean i want to abandon running or blogging altogether. i just haven't been in "training mode" for practically a year and have no compelling desire to be that hardcore about it anymore. at least for now. when i first started running, it was all i ever thought about. it was the new, great challenge and boy was i eager!

but now my life encompasses other things. this blog started as a place to talk about training and sprinkle in other things about my life and the base of my readers, as few as they were, were runners with their own hardcore running blogs. but i've written so little about it lately, and unless there is other interesting personal news from you bloggers, i'm just not as interested in reading about training. i feel like such a bad blogger friend.

i purposely made the name of my blog have nothing to do with my running so i could keep it open to write about whatever i wanted. i contemplated letting the blog die and starting a new one. but i rather like the name. and i like having everything in one place. but for whatever reason to move on, i feel the need to officially say, this is no longer a running blog.

god, i'm so angsty.

so anyway, i don't know what kind of blog it is now. and maybe it doesn't need to be anything. though it would help me focus and not feel so emo. for now let's call it a "newly thirty reformed pseudo party-girl adapts to couplehood while figuring out what she wants to be if she ever grows up" blog.

2009 could be a really big year, kids. a really big year...more on my goals, later...

christmas tags

neese tagged me back in october. shows you what a slacker i've been. and since my blog has been reduced to lists anyway, 6 random things about me (the christmas edition):

1. i miss living in a city where it snows.
   
2. i handmade gifts this year.
3. i've never sent christmas cards.
4. i'm hoping for something sparkly this christmas and feel like such a brat for it.
5. i bought fishnets to wear to church when sg told me i had to wear a dress and pantyhose.
6. i love the idea of mistletoe!

pass on the christmas spirit, peeps, because TAG! YOU'RE IT!

n-n-nerves

so i haven't slept well all week. and i've been feeling kinda crappy. which is sort of par for the course for most people this time of year. and considering i've been eating like a frat boy, it's no wonder my body hates me and wants to sleep all the time. but still, this recent sense of ickiness is off-putting and perplexing.

then i figured it out.

it's nerves!

9 days in the deep south with my future in-laws who i've never met but must make a killer impression on. yeah, it all makes sense now. i mean i knew i was a little nervous, but enough to give me physical symptoms?

normally i would kill for that much time off, but this does not feel like a vacation to me. it's not so much that i am dreading it. that's not the right word. i just anticipate that this will NOT be a walk in the park and would rather just divert the plane and end up in jamaica instead.

so i've decided i must change my line of thinking. stop thinking about the things i DO dread and think "damnit (which i'm not allowed to say once i'm below the mason dixon line)i'm sooo gonna rock this! his parents will fall madly in love with me and i will take the south by storm! hells yeah!"

so yeah, that's all i've got. that and a flask full of vodka for my purse :)

holy crap! a post!

so, i weighed myself after thanksgiving dinner and WHOA NELLY! i mean i knew i'd be high, but that high? shiza!

the kicker was later that weekend, i was hanging with the younger cousins, drinking, listening to music and catching up. it wasn't long before we were up and groovin' and dancin'. but crap. i couldn't keep up. i was winded. and soon fell victim to exhaustion.

this coming from a girl who could at one time dance all night long into the wee hours of the morning in high heels!

THAT was the straw that broke the camel's back. i REFUSE to be the old lady on the sidelines missing all the fun. boooooo!

so since monday i've been eating like a champ and finally finally got a good run in today. and i have felt more like myself than i have in weeks.

p.s. sg and i are celebrating our 5 month anniversary today!!! wheeeee! seriously, 5 months already?! and i meet the parents in 14 days!

more things that make me happy (31-115)

a continuation of my last post:

1. working on a hard crossword puzzle
2. finishing a knitting project in one day
3. the first snowfall of the season
4. waking up to a fun song when the clock radio goes off
5. showering by candlelight
6. big mugs of hot beverages
7. hershey's chocolate with almonds
   
8. that minty tingly shampoo they use at the salon
9. getting carded
10. holding hands with sg everywhere we go
    
11. NAPS!
12. hammocks
13. room service
    
14. lighting up the occasional cigar
15. a book that makes me laugh and cry
16. camping
17. not having to commute more than 3 miles to work
18. my powerbook
19. ice cold corona lites on a hot summer day
    
20. when someone else washes my car
21. watching football at a bar with animated fans
    
22. eating breakfast for dinner
23. the smell of fresh laundry
24. wearing anything with my alma mater's name on it
25. hearing "i love you"
26. coming up with a brilliant idea to solve a problem
27. a good clicky ball point pen in blue or black (they're really hard to find!)
28. penguins
29. boston terriers
30. learning from smart people
31. running into someone you haven't seen in awhile when you look FABULOUS
32. crossing timezones
    
33. eating with my hands
34. kissing
35. connecting instantly with new people
36. people watching
37. estate sales (i love pawing through people's old stuff)
38. seeing my name in print
39. the rear windshield wiper on my vw
40. new sharpie markers
41. hoodie sweatshirts
42. not having to shave my underarms because i am hairless!
43. finishing a race / run / workout
    
44. casinos - watching other people play, the sound of slot machines
45. compliments from strangers
46. white gummi bears
47. writing something i think is well written
48. filling up an entire journal
49. finding the answers i need on the internet
50. text messages
51. temporary tattoos
52. flickr.com and facebook.com (sad, i know)
53. enjoying the house after i've cleaned it
54. 3-legged races
55. the sound of church bells
56. fitting into my skinny jeans
57. all you can eat crab feasts
58. praying
59. my nose ring
60. good hair and boobs days
61. the rare times my purse and/or car is free of clutter
62. good warm crusty bread and cold hard pats of butter
    
63. halloween
64. board games (especially at bars)
    
65. outlet malls
    
66. nicknames
67. making homemade gifts
68. babies falling asleep on me
69. comments on my blog
70. dollar stores
71. making ramen without breaking up the noodles then having to slurp them all up unbroken.
72. oooh and adding an egg to it.
73. movie or tv show marathons
74. pop-up video on vh1. whatever happened to that!?
75. winning at scrabble and mini-golf
76. hitting balls at the batting cages
77. eating ice cream out of the container in bed
78. when my brothers or cousins confide in me
79. IMing at work
80. figuring out how to say what i mean
81. the smell of a target store when you walk in. it's so distinct and always mixed with popcorn from the cafe.
    
82. hula hoops!
83. floating around in an inner tube
    
84. the smell of post-it notes
    
85. happy endings

so i guess finding 100 wasn't too hard after all...i'm sure there are even more. which is a good sign! :)

happy friday everyone!

100 things that make me happy (part one)

i've been in a funk lately and my blog shows it. so i thought i'd cheer myself up and try to steer myself into a better direction by taking cues from this site i stumbled on looking for inspiration.

100 things that make me happy (1-30)

1. my nephew
2. buy-one-get-one free sales
3. babies
4. down comforters
5. driving fast
6. used book sales
7. the beach
8. guessing the puzzle before the contestants do on wheel of fortune
9. sunrises
10. lists
11. beautiful typography
12. taking pictures
13. iced yerba matte with soy milk and 2 splendas
14. foreign accents
15. caramel apples
16. cotton candy
17. getting non-spam email
18. perfectly organized stacks of anything colorful (towels, shirts, paper)
19. having my hair played with
    
20. spending time with my brothers
21. grocery shopping
22. airports
23. playing with makeup
24. piano music
    
25. finding unexpected presents for people
26. happy hour (duh!)
27. learning new things
28. red toe nail polish
29. old couples holding hands
30. cooking for sg

it's harder than it looks! more to come...

one day further from slackerville

holy crap my friends. i went running.

no really, i did. after weeks months of sloth, i actually went running. without dying! or wheezing even! turns out i still have some fight left in me! granted i did a 5 min run/1 min walk interval for about an hour. but still it's something people!

though with sights like this and the sounds of celia cruz pumping into my ears, it's hard not to coast along happily.

and have i mentioned that sg agreed to do a 5k with me before the end of the year? i don't know if he really knows what he's gotten himself into, but i hope he's serious.

YES! WE CAN!

we are witnessing history, my friends.

i am weeping with joy. i am overcome with pride.

i finally believe there are good things to come.

i have hope.

dawn of a new beginning

i'm sure i speak for a lot of americans when i say, i can't wait 'til election day.

i'm sick of all this waiting. the fear, the apprehension, the tension on everyone's minds and hearts. i feel like everyone is in a holding pattern waiting to see what will happen. and finally on tuesday, when our new president is elected we can finally move forward again. but regardless of who gets elected, i'll be glad that at the very least we will no longer just be idling.

because the stress of everything, the state of our economy especially, is killing me. it's killing all of us. i hope that no matter what happens after nov. 4 that we'll be able to rally toward some positive change.