every year, i look forward to lent. crazy, i know. it's like spring-cleaning for the soul. and by the time easter comes, the days are longer, the weather is nicer, and it really is a time for rejoicing no matter what you believe in.
lately, i've been thinking about why i've been feeling so stuck. it strikes me as odd that i am so happy and so in love yet so dissatisfied with a lot of other things in life. like my job. like my weight. like my lack of motivation to really fix those things.
there's a lot i could go into regarding the why and i honestly won't bore you. simply put it comes down to this: i need to stop worrying about what i can't control.
so my lenten promise is to take better care of myself.
be more mindful of what i feed my body. be more mindful of how i treat my body. be more mindful of how i spend my time. be more mindful of what i watch, what i say, and what i do.
be more deliberate, and less rushed. less frenetic. more purposeful.
be more mindful of how i spend my money. be grateful for what i have by taking better care of my things and sharing what i have in excess.
wake up earlier so the first hour of my day is just for me. and spend a few minutes every night listing all the things that made me happy.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
countdown to valentine's day
just so you know, i've always loved valentine's day. even when i was single. it goes back to the days in elementary school where we made cutesy mailboxes to put on our desk and went around dropping cutesy little cards into each one. for me, that holiday craft was so much more fun than making turkeys by tracing your hand.
anyway, sg has a romantic weekend planned. we're going here.
and staying in the moon hot tub suite. i know, my life is so hard. there will be dinner and a live band and dancing. and even though it's forecasted to rain the entire weekend, i'm sure we will still make good use of the hot tub on the balcony overlooking the lake.
i. love. my. boyfriend.
anyway, sg has a romantic weekend planned. we're going here.
and staying in the moon hot tub suite. i know, my life is so hard. there will be dinner and a live band and dancing. and even though it's forecasted to rain the entire weekend, i'm sure we will still make good use of the hot tub on the balcony overlooking the lake.i. love. my. boyfriend.
Sunday, February 08, 2009
we're moving in together
but it's not what you think.
sg is moving in with me...
and my parents.
yeah, i know. crazy.
we ran the numbers and it just made the most sense. why drive an hour every week to see him? why pay upwards of $1200 for an apartment while he's out of work for god knows how long? we're hoping to not have to touch the severance bonus they gave him and pocket it for a rainy day (or maybe some shiny bling for our engagement). we will even be able to actually save some of the money he gets from unemployment and i won't have to work the weekends schlepping bloomin' onions.
but yeah, i know. crazy.
my parents were surprisingly sympathetic and open. and while i'm not so naive as to think this is just gonna be peachy, i think it's still for the best and i'm grateful my parents are so generous. if all 4 of us can get through this situation, then we really were meant to be family.
sg is moving in with me...
and my parents.
yeah, i know. crazy.
we ran the numbers and it just made the most sense. why drive an hour every week to see him? why pay upwards of $1200 for an apartment while he's out of work for god knows how long? we're hoping to not have to touch the severance bonus they gave him and pocket it for a rainy day (or maybe some shiny bling for our engagement). we will even be able to actually save some of the money he gets from unemployment and i won't have to work the weekends schlepping bloomin' onions.
but yeah, i know. crazy.
my parents were surprisingly sympathetic and open. and while i'm not so naive as to think this is just gonna be peachy, i think it's still for the best and i'm grateful my parents are so generous. if all 4 of us can get through this situation, then we really were meant to be family.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
seven months and counting
sg and i celebrate another month together. seven in total. i know you all think i'm crazy keeping track of months when you all have decades under your belt, but being in love with "the one" has been the most amazing thing to happen to me. it boggles my mind how i can love him more everyday. and i'm amazed at how the simplest things make me feel so happy and so complete.
this month, though, i think he and i became, "we". it has been our most stressful month but instead of being at odds, it brought us together. and i feel like we crossed yet another huge milestone in our lives together. we were on our way to my cousin's birthday party and he was driving and we were just talking and holding hands and i just looked at him and thought "wow, this is my forever." it felt so natural and wonderful for him to be part of my family and there was no where else i wanted to be in that moment than right next to him. and i've been getting that feeling a lot lately.
once i realized i could leave my family to start a new life with him, i feel like we seamlessly flowed from his and hers to ours. with his layoff, sg and i now start talking about starting "our lives" and "our future", with "our money". and i don't flinch. being a part of 'us' is more important to me than just being me. and i finally feel like i'm not necesarily losing 'me' in the process. i am now just part of something bigger. and honestly, i couldn't feel more proud.
next month, sg and i are headed to dc where he will take the preliminary test for employment to the capitol police. i have a friend who works on the force and is now one of nancy pelosi's bodyguards and can most likely push his process through much faster than the normal 6 to 12 month time frame. which is a good and bad thing. good, because he'll be working sooner. bad, because it means i have less time here.
i'm concerned about whether or not this is necesarily the right fit for him. luckily, i don't have to worry about his safety because it is the safest law enforcement job ever. apparently, guarding the capitol and members of congress isn't all that risky. thankfully. he doesn't think he'll get anywhere with his degree and his experience, considering the economic situation. and he thinks this will be a great opportunity to get in with the federal government. for him, working is all about money and security. for me, the starving artist, it's about living up to my creative potential. they pay pretty well and of course are very secure and it will give me the freedom to pursue what i want without necesarily worrying about being the breadwinner. we're hoping that this training could lead to many different opportunities and the upside is that law enforcement is needed everywhere so a move back to california is very much possible in time.
and hello! being married to a man in uniform!? yum!
but we'll see what happens. we have some other leads but nothing concrete yet. so we're still plugging away like the rest of you.
in other news, i picked up a weekend waitressing gig. again. it seems i can never hang up my apron. to be honest, i do enjoy it. and the extra money will definitely be nice. let's hope it's like riding a bike. it's been a year.
other than that, not much else. i've been burning calories by worrying and not sleeping. i picked up jillian michael's 30 day shred the other day and am going to try it tomorrow morning. i hear it's killer. hopefully it'll help me get down a size before my return to dc.
this month, though, i think he and i became, "we". it has been our most stressful month but instead of being at odds, it brought us together. and i feel like we crossed yet another huge milestone in our lives together. we were on our way to my cousin's birthday party and he was driving and we were just talking and holding hands and i just looked at him and thought "wow, this is my forever." it felt so natural and wonderful for him to be part of my family and there was no where else i wanted to be in that moment than right next to him. and i've been getting that feeling a lot lately.
once i realized i could leave my family to start a new life with him, i feel like we seamlessly flowed from his and hers to ours. with his layoff, sg and i now start talking about starting "our lives" and "our future", with "our money". and i don't flinch. being a part of 'us' is more important to me than just being me. and i finally feel like i'm not necesarily losing 'me' in the process. i am now just part of something bigger. and honestly, i couldn't feel more proud.
next month, sg and i are headed to dc where he will take the preliminary test for employment to the capitol police. i have a friend who works on the force and is now one of nancy pelosi's bodyguards and can most likely push his process through much faster than the normal 6 to 12 month time frame. which is a good and bad thing. good, because he'll be working sooner. bad, because it means i have less time here.
i'm concerned about whether or not this is necesarily the right fit for him. luckily, i don't have to worry about his safety because it is the safest law enforcement job ever. apparently, guarding the capitol and members of congress isn't all that risky. thankfully. he doesn't think he'll get anywhere with his degree and his experience, considering the economic situation. and he thinks this will be a great opportunity to get in with the federal government. for him, working is all about money and security. for me, the starving artist, it's about living up to my creative potential. they pay pretty well and of course are very secure and it will give me the freedom to pursue what i want without necesarily worrying about being the breadwinner. we're hoping that this training could lead to many different opportunities and the upside is that law enforcement is needed everywhere so a move back to california is very much possible in time.
and hello! being married to a man in uniform!? yum!
but we'll see what happens. we have some other leads but nothing concrete yet. so we're still plugging away like the rest of you.
in other news, i picked up a weekend waitressing gig. again. it seems i can never hang up my apron. to be honest, i do enjoy it. and the extra money will definitely be nice. let's hope it's like riding a bike. it's been a year.
other than that, not much else. i've been burning calories by worrying and not sleeping. i picked up jillian michael's 30 day shred the other day and am going to try it tomorrow morning. i hear it's killer. hopefully it'll help me get down a size before my return to dc.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
interview of a blogger
one of my favorite bloggers, stacy, at dare to tri wants to know:
1. What makes you laugh the hardest?
when someone does something so innocently cute when they think no one is looking. it's obviously unrehearsed and that moment can never ever be replicated or copied.
2. What do you look forward to in 2009?
finding a great job. sg finding a great job. hopefully, being in a stable enough financial place to get engaged. getting back into shape.
3. Who would you consider your mentor and why?
this is a tough question. i don't know if i have one now. in college, i had 2 professors who were instrumental in me leaving my intended major to become a designer. and after college, i worked for 6 years for a woman who was not only my boss but a surrogate aunt. the closest thing i have to an older brother is my friend dale. he's 6 years older than me, always finds a way to be objective yet compassionate, and never judges anything i tell him. we don't talk more than once a month, but he's always there when i need him and our friendship never seems to skip a beat when we reconnect.
4. What's the best and worst thing about being a woman?
best: i think women have more options than men, at least in america. men have stricter defined social roles whereas i think that women have more opportunity to try different things and fulfill many and multiple roles.
worst: i hate that we are considered the "weaker" sex and i feel the need to prove otherwise.
5. What is one fear that you would like to conquer?
i would soooo love to have the balls to negotiate. i can't even haggle prices at a flea market. but i'd love to be able to demand a certain salary and get it or cut through salesmen bullshit and get a fair deal on a car or talk credit card companies into giving me better rates.
i am such a pussy when it comes to stuff like that. i am the eternal peacemaker and would rather pay a small price to avoid confrontation. and in the end i'm ok with that. but still...
To play along:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the questions).
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
1. What makes you laugh the hardest?
when someone does something so innocently cute when they think no one is looking. it's obviously unrehearsed and that moment can never ever be replicated or copied.
2. What do you look forward to in 2009?
finding a great job. sg finding a great job. hopefully, being in a stable enough financial place to get engaged. getting back into shape.
3. Who would you consider your mentor and why?
this is a tough question. i don't know if i have one now. in college, i had 2 professors who were instrumental in me leaving my intended major to become a designer. and after college, i worked for 6 years for a woman who was not only my boss but a surrogate aunt. the closest thing i have to an older brother is my friend dale. he's 6 years older than me, always finds a way to be objective yet compassionate, and never judges anything i tell him. we don't talk more than once a month, but he's always there when i need him and our friendship never seems to skip a beat when we reconnect.
4. What's the best and worst thing about being a woman?
best: i think women have more options than men, at least in america. men have stricter defined social roles whereas i think that women have more opportunity to try different things and fulfill many and multiple roles.
worst: i hate that we are considered the "weaker" sex and i feel the need to prove otherwise.
5. What is one fear that you would like to conquer?
i would soooo love to have the balls to negotiate. i can't even haggle prices at a flea market. but i'd love to be able to demand a certain salary and get it or cut through salesmen bullshit and get a fair deal on a car or talk credit card companies into giving me better rates.
i am such a pussy when it comes to stuff like that. i am the eternal peacemaker and would rather pay a small price to avoid confrontation. and in the end i'm ok with that. but still...
To play along:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the questions).
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
sailboats and puppies
chrissy field, on a beautiful sunny saturday morning, is swarming with dogs. and runners, bikers, and families. little kids frolick nekkid in the water and the bay is covered in a rainbow of sailboats. it's hard to believe it's january.
i couldn't help but think of how hard it would be leave this place.
we ran to fort point, under the golden gate, where there were some civil war reenactment fesitivies going on. we watched women sew and wash clothes on a washboard and watched an infantry drill. then we trekked back to the car to stretch.
all in all, we spent a good 2 hours, soaking up some vitamin d, and sweating out some toxins.
sg kept saying," there must be some sort event with all these people out here". to which i relplied, "no honey, this is what people do on a saturday when it's beautiful outside!"
and even though i had to DRAG him out of bed, he was very thankful i did. he said he felt great afterward! and that just made my day.
so yay! first real workout and he didn't kill me.
i couldn't help but think of how hard it would be leave this place.
we ran to fort point, under the golden gate, where there were some civil war reenactment fesitivies going on. we watched women sew and wash clothes on a washboard and watched an infantry drill. then we trekked back to the car to stretch.
all in all, we spent a good 2 hours, soaking up some vitamin d, and sweating out some toxins.
sg kept saying," there must be some sort event with all these people out here". to which i relplied, "no honey, this is what people do on a saturday when it's beautiful outside!"
and even though i had to DRAG him out of bed, he was very thankful i did. he said he felt great afterward! and that just made my day.
so yay! first real workout and he didn't kill me.
Friday, January 30, 2009
quickies
- i was reading through some old posts that included some actual running, and WHOA! yeah, i want that again. so i went running tonight.
- running past restaurants watching people eat is the best feeling ever.
- i've been a whole range of sizes in my life, but my ultimate rule is that i'm not bad fat unless my stomach sticks out farther than my boobs. i'm getting dangerously close to that. so yeah, i went running tonight.
- i love how it's always the perfect weather to run in san francisco, but i HATE the friggin' hills.
- i've been stressed all week getting very little sleep. i got to sg's last night, snuggled in and slept like a baby.
- tomorrow is my cousin's birthday and i'm cracking open a new bottle of "rum island iced tea". i've never tried it. i hope i don't regret it.
- i'm also busting out a new set of false lashes for the occasion.
- i made the best chicken tortilla soup tonight.
- i'm hoping to get sg and i back on track with the training schedule tomorrow. stay tuned.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
conjoined
i've been having major withdrawal.
i feel like my left arm is missing because sg is no longer at his desk all day, conveniently poised to i.m. me at any given moment. where we can exchange random nothings and "i love yous" all day long. not having him at my disposal makes me feel so...lonely.
i'm sick in the head. i've turned into one of those mushy, starry-eyed, in-love girls.
i don't know why i see it as a weakness.
i don't know why i don't just embrace it and be happy that when i tell my boyfriend i miss him, after half a day without talking to him, that he says "honey, you've been on my mind all day."
i've been in a funk all weekend, but i always feel better after i talk to him. hearing him say, "i'm always here for you" makes our burdens seem so much easier to bear.
i feel like my left arm is missing because sg is no longer at his desk all day, conveniently poised to i.m. me at any given moment. where we can exchange random nothings and "i love yous" all day long. not having him at my disposal makes me feel so...lonely.
i'm sick in the head. i've turned into one of those mushy, starry-eyed, in-love girls.
i don't know why i see it as a weakness.
i don't know why i don't just embrace it and be happy that when i tell my boyfriend i miss him, after half a day without talking to him, that he says "honey, you've been on my mind all day."
i've been in a funk all weekend, but i always feel better after i talk to him. hearing him say, "i'm always here for you" makes our burdens seem so much easier to bear.
Monday, January 26, 2009
maybe a little bit catty
so things may not be going along exactly how i would like them to in my life, but at least i don't look like jessica simpson:
sure, she has millions of dollars stashed somewhere and her boyfriend still has his job, but at least i'm not performing at chili cook-offs in awful fake hair. i'd still take my life (and my jeans) over hers any day.
sure, she has millions of dollars stashed somewhere and her boyfriend still has his job, but at least i'm not performing at chili cook-offs in awful fake hair. i'd still take my life (and my jeans) over hers any day.
Friday, January 23, 2009
the bright side
we have been flooded with kind words and offers to help ever since we got the bad news. the support has been amazing. and we are so grateful.
in a lot of ways, i really do see this as a blessing. his career was going nowhere there. but he had gotten too comfortable to really do anything about it.
but now, things are different.
i think it's the kick in the pants he needed to finally examine what it is he wants to do and maybe take some risks he was unwilling to take before. and no longer do we have to wait and wait for the bad news to come. in a lot of ways, we can finally move on with our lives.
we're sort of at a free-for-all. we are both now given the freedom to search for what will make us happy, career-wise. i know the economy looks bleak, but for whatever reason, i feel like this is finally our chance. i really do feel like this was for the best and it is opening us up for something truly awesome.
maybe i'm delirious. or maybe this over-enthusiasm is just my mind's defense against utter depression. but faith has gotten me this far, and i sure as hell am not giving up.
how i've dealt with sg's layoff news sort of goes along in tandem with some thoughts i've had about last week's post. i left home when i was 18 to discover myself, to make a name and a life for myself that didn't always have the mark of my family on it. and as much as i missed them, i loved the life i made for myself. and i'm sort of feeling that calling again. i am eternally gratefuly for them for being there to help me pick up the pieces and rebuild again. and it feels like a kick in the pants for me to leave again. but i really do think part of me needs to distance myself in some way (not necesarily physically) to truly make a life for myself again. without my mom's voice in my head second guessing everything, without the pull of obligations from everyone, without the safety net i've grown accustomed to again. in a perfect world, our perfect jobs would be within 2 hours of my family. but this is not a perfect world. and me being willing to move away has more to do with forging MY new life than choosing patrick over my family.
and how lucky am i to forge a new life with the man made for me?
in a way, i guess it sounds selfish. but for whatever reason, it makes sense in my head. i felt uncomfortable choosing a man over my family, when i realized that man is integral to my happiness. and that i wasn't just doing it for him. or for us. but for me too.
and that's a decision i can feel comfortable with.
in a lot of ways, i really do see this as a blessing. his career was going nowhere there. but he had gotten too comfortable to really do anything about it.
but now, things are different.
i think it's the kick in the pants he needed to finally examine what it is he wants to do and maybe take some risks he was unwilling to take before. and no longer do we have to wait and wait for the bad news to come. in a lot of ways, we can finally move on with our lives.
we're sort of at a free-for-all. we are both now given the freedom to search for what will make us happy, career-wise. i know the economy looks bleak, but for whatever reason, i feel like this is finally our chance. i really do feel like this was for the best and it is opening us up for something truly awesome.
maybe i'm delirious. or maybe this over-enthusiasm is just my mind's defense against utter depression. but faith has gotten me this far, and i sure as hell am not giving up.
how i've dealt with sg's layoff news sort of goes along in tandem with some thoughts i've had about last week's post. i left home when i was 18 to discover myself, to make a name and a life for myself that didn't always have the mark of my family on it. and as much as i missed them, i loved the life i made for myself. and i'm sort of feeling that calling again. i am eternally gratefuly for them for being there to help me pick up the pieces and rebuild again. and it feels like a kick in the pants for me to leave again. but i really do think part of me needs to distance myself in some way (not necesarily physically) to truly make a life for myself again. without my mom's voice in my head second guessing everything, without the pull of obligations from everyone, without the safety net i've grown accustomed to again. in a perfect world, our perfect jobs would be within 2 hours of my family. but this is not a perfect world. and me being willing to move away has more to do with forging MY new life than choosing patrick over my family.
and how lucky am i to forge a new life with the man made for me?
in a way, i guess it sounds selfish. but for whatever reason, it makes sense in my head. i felt uncomfortable choosing a man over my family, when i realized that man is integral to my happiness. and that i wasn't just doing it for him. or for us. but for me too.
and that's a decision i can feel comfortable with.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
cupcakes to the rescue
photo from yumsugar.com
sg got laid off today.
along with many of his friends. 30% of the williams-sonoma brand to be exact.
he's in good spirits, as far as i can tell. better than i thought he would be anyway. i offered to make the drive and shower him with love and affection and he declined the offer. i think he just needed some time to process everything.
so of course, i've been calling and emailing everyone i know. and so far he/we have gotten nothing but tons of support. and i've been online searching and hunting for him.
but yeah, i need a break. finally, after months of waiting, the news finally came. in a way, i'm grateful. part of me believes this is a blessing in disguise.
so i'm going to do the only thing that sounds good right now.
and that's bake.
chocolate cupcakes.
with lots of frosting.
keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
the idiots guide to running a 5k in 10 weeks
in 10 weeks, (70 days), patrick will be running his first 5k. and he enlisted ME to help! i'm certainly no professional, but i'm all he's got. hopefully, taking on the role of "teacher" will keep me focused and motivated to set a good example and keep my ass in gear. god help us both.
patrick is a fitness virgin. meaning he knows NOTHING about exercise. he probably couldn't do a proper form squat by himself if he even knows what one is, and he certainly has no equipment. it took a gift card from me at christmas to get him set up with the proper running shoes. so i knew the plan had to be idiot proof.
i drafted a 10 week jeff galloway run/walk program that relied more on increasing running time than running distance, because i knew he wouldn't want to be bothered to look up running routes. twice a week we run/walk on our own, and on saturday, we run for distance when i can "supervise". i gave him my old ironmatch watch (it's pink!) and he's all set!
i also decided that some sort of strength training was necessary and decided on the good old fashioned push-up. when looking up the 100 push-ups plan, i also found out they have a 200 sit-ups plan. lucky us! their 6 week plans align with our 10 week plan perfectly. so now we're on both. 3 times a week we have a push-up and sit-up regimen to follow.
by adding this component, i also figured that it would give him more areas in which to improve, just in case his running gains were slow coming. i mean it takes quite a while to improve your speed. and right now we're just focusing on getting him out there. and for a while it's gonna feel crappy. but in my experience, strength, as long as he's consistent, builds on itself pretty easily because you're only "punishing" yourself for a minute or so at a time. today he did 10 pushups. by next week he will most definitely be doing more, even if all he can do is 12. but that is measurable success.
in that same vein, i knew we needed a way to measure "before" and "after". i knew we needed a benchmark so we did a series of tests based on the old school fitness tests we all had to take in elementary school!
lo and behold they have one for adults! and looky here, it contains a running, push-up, and sit-up element! am i a genius or what?
here are our results:
miss petite america
1.5 mile run time: 17:30 (i ran the whole way! woot!)
half sit-ups (in one minute): 65
push-ups: 15
height: 5'3"
weight: 177 (shut up! i got an earful from my wii fit already!)
waist measurement (at the belly button): 36.5 (HOLY CRAP! pretend you didn't see that)
southern gent
1.5 mile run time: 19:39
half sit-ups (in one minute): 51
push-ups: 10
height: 5'10
weight: 189
waist measurement (at the belly button): 39
so yes, i am a fat ass. but i beat my boyfriend in every category!
anyway...you take your results and input them into the website to see where you stand among your peers:
miss petite america
1.5 mile run time: 25%ile
half sit-ups (in one minute): 95%ile (woot!)
push-ups: 30%ile
average: 50%ile (whew!)
BMI: 31.4, obese, very high risk of disease (crap!)
southern gent
1.5 mile run time: 5%ile
half sit-ups (in one minute): 65%ile
push-ups: 5%ile
average: 25%ile
BMI: 27.1, overweight, increased risk of disease
obviously, we both have lots of room for improvement. but i think we have a pretty fail-proof plan. in 70 days we'll be crossing that finish line faster, stronger, and leaner than we are today. and we'll be doing it together!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
love vs. love
i thought that once i found "the one", i would want for nothing. but lately, i'm beginning to wonder.
sg and i have talked about expanding our job search to states outside of california. initially, i balked. and even cried. "i just moved back. i just moved back!" but with the way things are looking, i'm seeing more and more reasons to not limit ourselves to my home state. yes, things are pretty bad everywhere, but as desperate job seekers, it seems futile to limit ourselves too much geographically. i get it.
but what price can you put on family?
could i hump this crappy job for much longer in hopes of things turning around just so i can see my nephew whenever i want? could i postpone graduate school indefinitely until i can figure out a way to swing it without having to work 2 jobs while living at home?
is it worth sg?
could i say no to moving with the man i want to marry because i can't bear to be away from my family? could i be happy living with the man i love even if it means living across the country AGAIN from ALL of my family?
i don't know.
i just really don't know.
and it will be hard for me to be on board with any plan until i know.
but can i really know?
does this mean i'm NOT ready to get married? to commit?
he says, "together we are stronger. we will get through this."
and in my head i'm thinking, "but i don't know who i am without them."
i never in all my life conceived of a life without my family.
maybe i'm not ready to be a "we". or maybe he really isn't the one. or maybe i need to put on my big girl pants and cut the strings. i never thought of living a life where i would have to. but that doesn't mean i can't be happy if i do, right?
life is so very strange. i left the east coast, my career, my friends, to find solace in my family. they helped build me back up again. and in my time here, i found a wonderful, wonderful man who i want to marry.
what is the next step?
sg and i have talked about expanding our job search to states outside of california. initially, i balked. and even cried. "i just moved back. i just moved back!" but with the way things are looking, i'm seeing more and more reasons to not limit ourselves to my home state. yes, things are pretty bad everywhere, but as desperate job seekers, it seems futile to limit ourselves too much geographically. i get it.
but what price can you put on family?
could i hump this crappy job for much longer in hopes of things turning around just so i can see my nephew whenever i want? could i postpone graduate school indefinitely until i can figure out a way to swing it without having to work 2 jobs while living at home?
is it worth sg?
could i say no to moving with the man i want to marry because i can't bear to be away from my family? could i be happy living with the man i love even if it means living across the country AGAIN from ALL of my family?
i don't know.
i just really don't know.
and it will be hard for me to be on board with any plan until i know.
but can i really know?
does this mean i'm NOT ready to get married? to commit?
he says, "together we are stronger. we will get through this."
and in my head i'm thinking, "but i don't know who i am without them."
i never in all my life conceived of a life without my family.
maybe i'm not ready to be a "we". or maybe he really isn't the one. or maybe i need to put on my big girl pants and cut the strings. i never thought of living a life where i would have to. but that doesn't mean i can't be happy if i do, right?
life is so very strange. i left the east coast, my career, my friends, to find solace in my family. they helped build me back up again. and in my time here, i found a wonderful, wonderful man who i want to marry.
what is the next step?
Sunday, January 11, 2009
wine and pancakes
we picked a race!on saturday march 28th, sg and i will run through the beautiful napa valley and be rewarded with a wine tasting and a pancake breakfast. served to us by firemen!
sg thinks it will be fun. i guess all it takes is a free tshirt and promise of food to make him happy. little does he know there are some challenging hills on this course. but we'll no doubt conquer them because there are plenty of hills for us to practice on around here.
though training is slow going, since we are both sidelined with a bad cough. it's to bad because the weather this weekend has been glorious. let's hope it holds up for inaugural training run next weekend.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
this economy is such a drag
ok so i know this "recession" is on everyone's minds and is affecting everyone, and i've resisted talking about it because who wants to be a debbie downer? but well i can't take it anymore.
sometime over the summer my current job cut my hours down to 32. at first it was cool. yay! every friday off. them my bank account started to dwindle. and i had to cut some things. then patrick started to get news of slumping sales at ws and they started laying people off.
i've been on the hunt for a new job, but haven't found anything. everything i find requires me to have more multimedia/web experience. which is fine, i'll go back to school, but in order to do that i need extra cash. but in order to get more money, i need a better job. i've even considered doing something else, but either way i need training and have no resources yet to go down any new path. i feel trapped. i feel stuck.
so all summer i've been spinning my wheels. i was offered a position somewhere else but the amount they were going to pay was a ridiculous insult. so i turned them down. but now the job market seems even more bleak. and at yesterday's staff meeting, the boss talked about cutting more costs, maybe meaning even less hours or less benefit. GAH!
i sucked it up and decided i may as well bartend or wait tables, which has always been a lucrative fallback. i interviewed for a bartending gig and they told me within 24 hours of posting the ad, they had 160 people respond. 160 people!! i can't imagine what the responses are like for REAL jobs. they whittled the pack down to 20, and will whittle those who interviewed down to 4 before they make the final selection. i have never had to hustle so hard for a restaurant job. they've always been given to me on the spot.
patrick and i are trying to make the move to co-habitate, but this economy is not helping. ws is threatening a third round of layoffs. i know in many ways we are lucky. we don't have a mortgage, and we're only supporting ourselves. but man is it ever hard to try to start a new life in this economic climate.
and what the hell does it mean when they say california is going bankrupt!? how the hell does a state go bankrupt!? where the hell am i supposed to go? what the hell am i supposed to do? how in the world are we going to employ the hundreds and thousands of people out of work?
i don't get it. i just don't get it. how in the world did we get to this place? wasn't i reassured at some point growing up that if i went to college i would get a good job and be ok?
grrrrrrr...
sometime over the summer my current job cut my hours down to 32. at first it was cool. yay! every friday off. them my bank account started to dwindle. and i had to cut some things. then patrick started to get news of slumping sales at ws and they started laying people off.
i've been on the hunt for a new job, but haven't found anything. everything i find requires me to have more multimedia/web experience. which is fine, i'll go back to school, but in order to do that i need extra cash. but in order to get more money, i need a better job. i've even considered doing something else, but either way i need training and have no resources yet to go down any new path. i feel trapped. i feel stuck.
so all summer i've been spinning my wheels. i was offered a position somewhere else but the amount they were going to pay was a ridiculous insult. so i turned them down. but now the job market seems even more bleak. and at yesterday's staff meeting, the boss talked about cutting more costs, maybe meaning even less hours or less benefit. GAH!
i sucked it up and decided i may as well bartend or wait tables, which has always been a lucrative fallback. i interviewed for a bartending gig and they told me within 24 hours of posting the ad, they had 160 people respond. 160 people!! i can't imagine what the responses are like for REAL jobs. they whittled the pack down to 20, and will whittle those who interviewed down to 4 before they make the final selection. i have never had to hustle so hard for a restaurant job. they've always been given to me on the spot.
patrick and i are trying to make the move to co-habitate, but this economy is not helping. ws is threatening a third round of layoffs. i know in many ways we are lucky. we don't have a mortgage, and we're only supporting ourselves. but man is it ever hard to try to start a new life in this economic climate.
and what the hell does it mean when they say california is going bankrupt!? how the hell does a state go bankrupt!? where the hell am i supposed to go? what the hell am i supposed to do? how in the world are we going to employ the hundreds and thousands of people out of work?
i don't get it. i just don't get it. how in the world did we get to this place? wasn't i reassured at some point growing up that if i went to college i would get a good job and be ok?
grrrrrrr...
Monday, January 05, 2009
mpa <3 sg
** warning: this is a post where i gush lavishly about my love life. **
in one of our first conversations before meeting, patrick laid out his plans for marriage, kids etc. and he actually said to me, "well let's say you and i meet, and things go well, we could be married in a year, have 2 years to ourselves, then we'd start having kids by age 33, which i think is the perfect time."
for most people that would have been way intense and way presumptuous. especially coming from someone you hadn't even met yet in person. but for whatever reason, i found it utterly refreshing. he wasn't afraid to lay it all out there and say, yes i'm looking for a wife and yes, i want kids. he was serious. i was serious. and so it began.
i look back at our 6 months together and marvel at how our relationship evolved so quickly and in such unexpected ways. i definitely had a plan in mind on how a proper relationship should go, how THE relationship would feel like, yet this was nothing at all like how i planned. but it's been so much better.
my love and appreciation for patrick grew exponentionally on our visit home to meet his parents and his family this christmas. it's a little hard to describe. finally seeing where he came from, meeting his family and being so warmly welcomed, seeing how relaxed and content "home" felt for him, seeing just how much he loves his family. something about seeing how happy his parents are after 38 years of marriage felt like i was somehow looking into the future. our future. after a few days it was all too much for me, and while we talked before bed i told him just how happy i was, just how much i loved him and i was bawling because i just felt like my heart was bursting, i just couldn't contain my joy. (if that didn't make you hurl, i don't know what will)
but what i think is probably the best indicator of the evolution of our relationship is that i think we've learned how to fight. i made a rule a long time ago that we wouldn't go to bed angry and we've stuck to it. and i know there are time we both want to keep picking, but stop bc we just don't like being angry at each other. resolution is always more important to us. it might not always happen right away, but it does. and that's a good feeling.
i am grateful everyday for him.
in one of our first conversations before meeting, patrick laid out his plans for marriage, kids etc. and he actually said to me, "well let's say you and i meet, and things go well, we could be married in a year, have 2 years to ourselves, then we'd start having kids by age 33, which i think is the perfect time."
for most people that would have been way intense and way presumptuous. especially coming from someone you hadn't even met yet in person. but for whatever reason, i found it utterly refreshing. he wasn't afraid to lay it all out there and say, yes i'm looking for a wife and yes, i want kids. he was serious. i was serious. and so it began.
i look back at our 6 months together and marvel at how our relationship evolved so quickly and in such unexpected ways. i definitely had a plan in mind on how a proper relationship should go, how THE relationship would feel like, yet this was nothing at all like how i planned. but it's been so much better.
my love and appreciation for patrick grew exponentionally on our visit home to meet his parents and his family this christmas. it's a little hard to describe. finally seeing where he came from, meeting his family and being so warmly welcomed, seeing how relaxed and content "home" felt for him, seeing just how much he loves his family. something about seeing how happy his parents are after 38 years of marriage felt like i was somehow looking into the future. our future. after a few days it was all too much for me, and while we talked before bed i told him just how happy i was, just how much i loved him and i was bawling because i just felt like my heart was bursting, i just couldn't contain my joy. (if that didn't make you hurl, i don't know what will)
but what i think is probably the best indicator of the evolution of our relationship is that i think we've learned how to fight. i made a rule a long time ago that we wouldn't go to bed angry and we've stuck to it. and i know there are time we both want to keep picking, but stop bc we just don't like being angry at each other. resolution is always more important to us. it might not always happen right away, but it does. and that's a good feeling.
i am grateful everyday for him.
a new chapter
so, i'm kind of over the whole running blog thing.
it doesn't mean i want to abandon running or blogging altogether. i just haven't been in "training mode" for practically a year and have no compelling desire to be that hardcore about it anymore. at least for now. when i first started running, it was all i ever thought about. it was the new, great challenge and boy was i eager!
but now my life encompasses other things. this blog started as a place to talk about training and sprinkle in other things about my life and the base of my readers, as few as they were, were runners with their own hardcore running blogs. but i've written so little about it lately, and unless there is other interesting personal news from you bloggers, i'm just not as interested in reading about training. i feel like such a bad blogger friend.
i purposely made the name of my blog have nothing to do with my running so i could keep it open to write about whatever i wanted. i contemplated letting the blog die and starting a new one. but i rather like the name. and i like having everything in one place. but for whatever reason to move on, i feel the need to officially say, this is no longer a running blog.
god, i'm so angsty.
so anyway, i don't know what kind of blog it is now. and maybe it doesn't need to be anything. though it would help me focus and not feel so emo. for now let's call it a "newly thirty reformed pseudo party-girl adapts to couplehood while figuring out what she wants to be if she ever grows up" blog.
2009 could be a really big year, kids. a really big year...more on my goals, later...
it doesn't mean i want to abandon running or blogging altogether. i just haven't been in "training mode" for practically a year and have no compelling desire to be that hardcore about it anymore. at least for now. when i first started running, it was all i ever thought about. it was the new, great challenge and boy was i eager!
but now my life encompasses other things. this blog started as a place to talk about training and sprinkle in other things about my life and the base of my readers, as few as they were, were runners with their own hardcore running blogs. but i've written so little about it lately, and unless there is other interesting personal news from you bloggers, i'm just not as interested in reading about training. i feel like such a bad blogger friend.
i purposely made the name of my blog have nothing to do with my running so i could keep it open to write about whatever i wanted. i contemplated letting the blog die and starting a new one. but i rather like the name. and i like having everything in one place. but for whatever reason to move on, i feel the need to officially say, this is no longer a running blog.
god, i'm so angsty.
so anyway, i don't know what kind of blog it is now. and maybe it doesn't need to be anything. though it would help me focus and not feel so emo. for now let's call it a "newly thirty reformed pseudo party-girl adapts to couplehood while figuring out what she wants to be if she ever grows up" blog.
2009 could be a really big year, kids. a really big year...more on my goals, later...
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
christmas tags
neese tagged me back in october. shows you what a slacker i've been. and since my blog has been reduced to lists anyway, 6 random things about me (the christmas edition):
- i miss living in a city where it snows.
- i handmade gifts this year.
- i've never sent christmas cards.
- i'm hoping for something sparkly this christmas and feel like such a brat for it.
- i bought fishnets to wear to church when sg told me i had to wear a dress and pantyhose.
- i love the idea of mistletoe!
n-n-nerves
so i haven't slept well all week. and i've been feeling kinda crappy. which is sort of par for the course for most people this time of year. and considering i've been eating like a frat boy, it's no wonder my body hates me and wants to sleep all the time. but still, this recent sense of ickiness is off-putting and perplexing.
then i figured it out.
it's nerves!
9 days in the deep south with my future in-laws who i've never met but must make a killer impression on. yeah, it all makes sense now. i mean i knew i was a little nervous, but enough to give me physical symptoms?
normally i would kill for that much time off, but this does not feel like a vacation to me. it's not so much that i am dreading it. that's not the right word. i just anticipate that this will NOT be a walk in the park and would rather just divert the plane and end up in jamaica instead.
so i've decided i must change my line of thinking. stop thinking about the things i DO dread and think "damnit (which i'm not allowed to say once i'm below the mason dixon line)i'm sooo gonna rock this! his parents will fall madly in love with me and i will take the south by storm! hells yeah!"
so yeah, that's all i've got. that and a flask full of vodka for my purse :)
Friday, December 05, 2008
holy crap! a post!
so, i weighed myself after thanksgiving dinner and WHOA NELLY! i mean i knew i'd be high, but that high? shiza!
the kicker was later that weekend, i was hanging with the younger cousins, drinking, listening to music and catching up. it wasn't long before we were up and groovin' and dancin'. but crap. i couldn't keep up. i was winded. and soon fell victim to exhaustion.
this coming from a girl who could at one time dance all night long into the wee hours of the morning in high heels!
THAT was the straw that broke the camel's back. i REFUSE to be the old lady on the sidelines missing all the fun. boooooo!
so since monday i've been eating like a champ and finally finally got a good run in today. and i have felt more like myself than i have in weeks.
p.s. sg and i are celebrating our 5 month anniversary today!!! wheeeee! seriously, 5 months already?! and i meet the parents in 14 days!
the kicker was later that weekend, i was hanging with the younger cousins, drinking, listening to music and catching up. it wasn't long before we were up and groovin' and dancin'. but crap. i couldn't keep up. i was winded. and soon fell victim to exhaustion.
this coming from a girl who could at one time dance all night long into the wee hours of the morning in high heels!
THAT was the straw that broke the camel's back. i REFUSE to be the old lady on the sidelines missing all the fun. boooooo!
so since monday i've been eating like a champ and finally finally got a good run in today. and i have felt more like myself than i have in weeks.
p.s. sg and i are celebrating our 5 month anniversary today!!! wheeeee! seriously, 5 months already?! and i meet the parents in 14 days!
Friday, November 14, 2008
more things that make me happy (31-115)
a continuation of my last post:
happy friday everyone!
- working on a hard crossword puzzle
- finishing a knitting project in one day
- the first snowfall of the season
- waking up to a fun song when the clock radio goes off
- showering by candlelight
- big mugs of hot beverages
- hershey's chocolate with almonds
- that minty tingly shampoo they use at the salon
- getting carded
- holding hands with sg everywhere we go
- NAPS!
- hammocks
- room service
- lighting up the occasional cigar
- a book that makes me laugh and cry
- camping
- not having to commute more than 3 miles to work
- my powerbook
- ice cold corona lites on a hot summer day
- when someone else washes my car
- watching football at a bar with animated fans
- eating breakfast for dinner
- the smell of fresh laundry
- wearing anything with my alma mater's name on it
- hearing "i love you"
- coming up with a brilliant idea to solve a problem
- a good clicky ball point pen in blue or black (they're really hard to find!)
- penguins
- boston terriers
- learning from smart people
- running into someone you haven't seen in awhile when you look FABULOUS
- crossing timezones
- eating with my hands
- kissing
- connecting instantly with new people
- people watching
- estate sales (i love pawing through people's old stuff)
- seeing my name in print
- the rear windshield wiper on my vw
- new sharpie markers
- hoodie sweatshirts
- not having to shave my underarms because i am hairless!
- finishing a race / run / workout
- casinos - watching other people play, the sound of slot machines
- compliments from strangers
- white gummi bears
- writing something i think is well written
- filling up an entire journal
- finding the answers i need on the internet
- text messages
- temporary tattoos
- flickr.com and facebook.com (sad, i know)
- enjoying the house after i've cleaned it
- 3-legged races
- the sound of church bells
- fitting into my skinny jeans
- all you can eat crab feasts
- praying
- my nose ring
- good hair and boobs days
- the rare times my purse and/or car is free of clutter
- good warm crusty bread and cold hard pats of butter
- halloween
- board games (especially at bars)
- outlet malls
- nicknames
- making homemade gifts
- babies falling asleep on me
- comments on my blog
- dollar stores
- making ramen without breaking up the noodles then having to slurp them all up unbroken.
- oooh and adding an egg to it.
- movie or tv show marathons
- pop-up video on vh1. whatever happened to that!?
- winning at scrabble and mini-golf
- hitting balls at the batting cages
- eating ice cream out of the container in bed
- when my brothers or cousins confide in me
- IMing at work
- figuring out how to say what i mean
- the smell of a target store when you walk in. it's so distinct and always mixed with popcorn from the cafe.
- hula hoops!
- floating around in an inner tube
- the smell of post-it notes
- happy endings
happy friday everyone!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
100 things that make me happy (part one)
i've been in a funk lately and my blog shows it. so i thought i'd cheer myself up and try to steer myself into a better direction by taking cues from this site i stumbled on looking for inspiration.
100 things that make me happy (1-30)
100 things that make me happy (1-30)
- my nephew
- buy-one-get-one free sales
- babies
- down comforters
- driving fast
- used book sales
- the beach
- guessing the puzzle before the contestants do on wheel of fortune
- sunrises
- lists
- beautiful typography
- taking pictures
- iced yerba matte with soy milk and 2 splendas
- foreign accents
- caramel apples
- cotton candy
- getting non-spam email
- perfectly organized stacks of anything colorful (towels, shirts, paper)
- having my hair played with
- spending time with my brothers
- grocery shopping
- airports
- playing with makeup
- piano music
- finding unexpected presents for people
- happy hour (duh!)
- learning new things
- red toe nail polish
- old couples holding hands
- cooking for sg
Friday, November 07, 2008
one day further from slackerville
holy crap my friends. i went running.no really, i did. after
though with sights like this and the sounds of celia cruz pumping into my ears, it's hard not to coast along happily.
and have i mentioned that sg agreed to do a 5k with me before the end of the year? i don't know if he really knows what he's gotten himself into, but i hope he's serious.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
YES! WE CAN!
we are witnessing history, my friends.
i am weeping with joy. i am overcome with pride.
i finally believe there are good things to come.
i have hope.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
dawn of a new beginning
i'm sure i speak for a lot of americans when i say, i can't wait 'til election day.
i'm sick of all this waiting. the fear, the apprehension, the tension on everyone's minds and hearts. i feel like everyone is in a holding pattern waiting to see what will happen. and finally on tuesday, when our new president is elected we can finally move forward again. but regardless of who gets elected, i'll be glad that at the very least we will no longer just be idling.
because the stress of everything, the state of our economy especially, is killing me. it's killing all of us. i hope that no matter what happens after nov. 4 that we'll be able to rally toward some positive change.
i'm sick of all this waiting. the fear, the apprehension, the tension on everyone's minds and hearts. i feel like everyone is in a holding pattern waiting to see what will happen. and finally on tuesday, when our new president is elected we can finally move forward again. but regardless of who gets elected, i'll be glad that at the very least we will no longer just be idling.
because the stress of everything, the state of our economy especially, is killing me. it's killing all of us. i hope that no matter what happens after nov. 4 that we'll be able to rally toward some positive change.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
totally worth it
all week i've been a saint when it comes to my diet. and i've been feeling fabulous. heaps of fruits and vegetables. helps that we just visited apple hill and have bushels of my favorite fuji apples to eat. and that persimmons are finally in season again. i haven't yet started running, but i've been walking and walking to my hearts content. i've even been logging in all my meals and snacks in my google calendar (such a handy thing) i was on a roll.
then, came saturday. namely brunch.
sg wanted to return to ella's where we went to a few weeks ago where we had the most magnificent chicken benedict, made with homemade applewood chicken sausage and dill hollandaise. but alas, they weren't serving it this week. so i suggested we try somewhere new: brenda's.
where in one fell swoop erased all my good work from the past week:
although, it definitely means running is on the docket tomorrow. especially since i forgot to mention i had crabcake eggs benedict last weekend with my brothers.
then, came saturday. namely brunch.
sg wanted to return to ella's where we went to a few weeks ago where we had the most magnificent chicken benedict, made with homemade applewood chicken sausage and dill hollandaise. but alas, they weren't serving it this week. so i suggested we try somewhere new: brenda's.
where in one fell swoop erased all my good work from the past week:
- watermelon sweet tea (!)
- beignets (seriously, you're effed up in the head to skip these)
- creole gumbo
- fried catfish eggs benedict on a buttery biscuit
- creamy cheesy grits
although, it definitely means running is on the docket tomorrow. especially since i forgot to mention i had crabcake eggs benedict last weekend with my brothers.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
life is no "sex and the city"
i'm feeling restless...
i'm in the mood to shop. or drink. or oddly, smoke cigars. i'm in the mood to galavant around town in high heel boots and stop traffic.
what is up?
(instead i'm sitting on my floor in boxers and a tank top watching juno for the 100th time while i swap out my summer clothes for winter clothes. )
i'm in the mood to shop. or drink. or oddly, smoke cigars. i'm in the mood to galavant around town in high heel boots and stop traffic.
what is up?
(instead i'm sitting on my floor in boxers and a tank top watching juno for the 100th time while i swap out my summer clothes for winter clothes. )
Monday, October 20, 2008
in the home stretch
is anyone else in disbelief that it is the END OF OCTOBER!??!??! i can't believe we are in the last quarter of the year. the second half of this year has gone so unexpectedly that my 2008 new years resolutions sound utterly ridiculous! it's crazy to me how much my priorities have shifted. so even though my resolutions have been a bust, i still have some things to take care before the end of the year:
- the only thing i want out of 2008 is a new job. please, oh please. i sent out a few more resumes last week and am hoping for some good news when i follow up this week. there's one in particular that i would give all the beautiful luscious hairs on my head for. so seriously, people, send me some good vibes. i'd love to be doing work i'm proud of again. i'd love to get out of my childhood home. i am so sick of being in limbo.
- sg and i leave for our alabama christmas in a little less than 9 weeks. yeah, it's meet the parents time. pretty scary, huh? and while i've visited houston and new orleans, i don't think those have adequately prepared me for the deep south. all i know is that i have to start saying sir and ma'am and and a whole bunch of other ladylike things i'm not used to saying. restraint and proper decorum aren't usually in my bag of tricks, so i think i might drive myself crazy having to censor everything i would normally say and dial it down. and while he says that me being filipina won't be a problem, i can't help but expect some reaction.
- i'd rather not meet his parents at my current frat boy weight. this should probably be the least of my concerns, but for whatever reason, it matters to me. so i've devised a running schedule training me for a faux 5 mile race on the day we fly out. nothing too ambitious, but it's something. besides sg has decided it's probably best that he lose some poundage too. and well, i can't let him lose all the weight. so even though he doesn't know it, we're competing ;)
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
comfort zone
i think anne hit the nail on the head:
adding another person to your life means shuffling your priorities and suddenly other people get bumped back. i don't see my nephew and my brothers as often as i used to. and i'm never home on the weekends anymore with my parents. which i guess in the grand scheme of things is good. i finally have a life outside of my family again. it just takes some getting used to. i'm used to being an aunt, a sister, a daughter who could devote all her free time to her family. it's ok that my life doesn't revolve around them so much. it's in fact, many times, welcome.
sg and i have spent a good 3 months being dizzily in love, eager and panting to spend every moment possible together. i've waited for that feeling for a long, long time. and have thoroughly enjoyed the thrill ride. but now it's time to get back down to earth and learn to keep that fire going in our normal, everyday, functioning lives. it's an adjustment. like being on vacation for the summer and having to adjust being back at work.
adding another person to your life means shuffling your priorities to accomodate new ones. his and ours. i was going full steam ahead with plans of my own, but when you want to make 2 lives into 1, things get shuffled around. at first my school and job search reached from sacramento to san francisco. when i met sg, it headed more towards san francisco. but he was open to sacramento, maybe. now things at his job are getting more unbearable and it looks like we might be headed more towards to east bay if another job lead of his pans out. it was so frustrating and disconcerting looking for jobs within a 100 mile radius, especially since mine might be the lower paying one. now that we've narrowed it down in geography somewhat, i can focus.
on a related note, i've decided to put off grad school. sg is very uncomfortable with going into more debt for it. hopefully, i can find something that pays me what i'm worth and can start making big dents in my current debt and towards our future. i'm instead going to focus on branching out into web design and freelancing. which is honestly more of what i want to do anyway. i had given up on a career in design because i thought marketing would be more lucrative, and it is. there are 10 times more jobs for marketing with far better pay. but design is what i truly love. and with sg's help i actually get the chance to pursue it.
we've brought up the topic of kids and daycare but it only stresses us out more. the race to get settled career-wise and other wise before the alarm on my biological clock goes off will be the hardest race yet. my mom was a stay at home mom til i was 12. i can't imagine any other way to raise kids. but i refuse to stay out of the workforce for too long. i must remain employable for tons of reasons besides my need for independence and identity. it's an issue we'll face when the time comes, but would welcome any comments or advice on it.
as far as my last post about us being too different. after i wrote it, i realized i was looking at it the wrong way. i've since decided to look at our differences as a way for us to learn new things. and there's nothing i love more than learning new things. the fact of the matter is our differences in personality make us a very good team. we balance each other out in so many ways. and everyday we're learning how to get along even better. and because of this, i can live with our differences in interests. plus once we get settled in a community and start making friends, a lot of my need for companionship for the things i like to do will be taken care of.
and speaking of my interests, i miss running. i miss blogging. i went for a long walk today to take a break from job hunting and it felt ridiculously good. so while i don't have the time or mental energy to train for anything big, i can still make exercise a priority. i mean, i know i should have anyway, but in case you haven't noticed i'm sort of an all-or-nothing kind of girl in this regard. plus, hello, i've been galavanting all over northern california with a boy. so it's not like my heart wasn't racing :)
it's all an adjustment. and i think finally i'm on the better side of the hurdle.
p.s. i went to the new kids on the block concert this weekend. they seriously kicked ass. jordan knight is still ridiculously hot. i squealed like a little girl again. honestly, i knew it would be fun times, but it was way better than i expected.
p.p.s. i went to my first ever williams-sonoma sample sale this weekend. oh man it kicked ass. we walked away with 4 pieces of furniture, a huge mirror bigger than me, cookware, cookbooks, picture frames and other home decor items all for about $1000. did i mention we got 4 pieces of furniture!?
p.p.p.s. i missed out on my high school reunion this weekend but have been reunited with my best friend from high school. it's so good to have a close girlfriend around again.
Maybe you're sensing a new stage in the relationship where the momentum has either stopped or accelerated and the pace puts you out of your comfort zone.my sense of self has definitely been challenged.
adding another person to your life means shuffling your priorities and suddenly other people get bumped back. i don't see my nephew and my brothers as often as i used to. and i'm never home on the weekends anymore with my parents. which i guess in the grand scheme of things is good. i finally have a life outside of my family again. it just takes some getting used to. i'm used to being an aunt, a sister, a daughter who could devote all her free time to her family. it's ok that my life doesn't revolve around them so much. it's in fact, many times, welcome.
sg and i have spent a good 3 months being dizzily in love, eager and panting to spend every moment possible together. i've waited for that feeling for a long, long time. and have thoroughly enjoyed the thrill ride. but now it's time to get back down to earth and learn to keep that fire going in our normal, everyday, functioning lives. it's an adjustment. like being on vacation for the summer and having to adjust being back at work.
adding another person to your life means shuffling your priorities to accomodate new ones. his and ours. i was going full steam ahead with plans of my own, but when you want to make 2 lives into 1, things get shuffled around. at first my school and job search reached from sacramento to san francisco. when i met sg, it headed more towards san francisco. but he was open to sacramento, maybe. now things at his job are getting more unbearable and it looks like we might be headed more towards to east bay if another job lead of his pans out. it was so frustrating and disconcerting looking for jobs within a 100 mile radius, especially since mine might be the lower paying one. now that we've narrowed it down in geography somewhat, i can focus.
on a related note, i've decided to put off grad school. sg is very uncomfortable with going into more debt for it. hopefully, i can find something that pays me what i'm worth and can start making big dents in my current debt and towards our future. i'm instead going to focus on branching out into web design and freelancing. which is honestly more of what i want to do anyway. i had given up on a career in design because i thought marketing would be more lucrative, and it is. there are 10 times more jobs for marketing with far better pay. but design is what i truly love. and with sg's help i actually get the chance to pursue it.
we've brought up the topic of kids and daycare but it only stresses us out more. the race to get settled career-wise and other wise before the alarm on my biological clock goes off will be the hardest race yet. my mom was a stay at home mom til i was 12. i can't imagine any other way to raise kids. but i refuse to stay out of the workforce for too long. i must remain employable for tons of reasons besides my need for independence and identity. it's an issue we'll face when the time comes, but would welcome any comments or advice on it.
as far as my last post about us being too different. after i wrote it, i realized i was looking at it the wrong way. i've since decided to look at our differences as a way for us to learn new things. and there's nothing i love more than learning new things. the fact of the matter is our differences in personality make us a very good team. we balance each other out in so many ways. and everyday we're learning how to get along even better. and because of this, i can live with our differences in interests. plus once we get settled in a community and start making friends, a lot of my need for companionship for the things i like to do will be taken care of.
and speaking of my interests, i miss running. i miss blogging. i went for a long walk today to take a break from job hunting and it felt ridiculously good. so while i don't have the time or mental energy to train for anything big, i can still make exercise a priority. i mean, i know i should have anyway, but in case you haven't noticed i'm sort of an all-or-nothing kind of girl in this regard. plus, hello, i've been galavanting all over northern california with a boy. so it's not like my heart wasn't racing :)
it's all an adjustment. and i think finally i'm on the better side of the hurdle.
p.s. i went to the new kids on the block concert this weekend. they seriously kicked ass. jordan knight is still ridiculously hot. i squealed like a little girl again. honestly, i knew it would be fun times, but it was way better than i expected.
p.p.s. i went to my first ever williams-sonoma sample sale this weekend. oh man it kicked ass. we walked away with 4 pieces of furniture, a huge mirror bigger than me, cookware, cookbooks, picture frames and other home decor items all for about $1000. did i mention we got 4 pieces of furniture!?
p.p.p.s. i missed out on my high school reunion this weekend but have been reunited with my best friend from high school. it's so good to have a close girlfriend around again.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
doubts
i know i've proclaimed my everlasting love for sg from the hilltops and on this blog, so it feels awkward to admit that i've been having doubts. it's a diffuclt thing to write about because on the one hand i do know with great certainty that i do love him. that i was born to love him. on the other hand, there are days i wonder whether we are even compatible. and while i know it's perfectly normal (and maybe healthy) to be in love one day and want to wring each others neck the next, i still wonder whether these doubts mean something more.
i do know that these doubts feel different from red flags. i've felt those before and ignored them. this feels different.
in so many ways, sg is more than i ever wanted in a man. honest. trustworthy. family oriented. funny. romantic. gentlemanly. articulate. loyal. loving. generous.
but in other ways, i just don't know. we have absolutely NO common interests. he's a quiet sci-fi, fantasy, history geeky only child from the deep south. i'm a gregarious, wanna-be athlete from the big city cracked out on pop-culture and design. i'd always hoped my spouse would be my #1 activity buddy. as it turns out, he doesn't ever want to run with me. (though he has said he hopes to be my #1 race supporter) he's into hiking, but i had to walk him through what "dri-fit" and "wicking" meant when we had to outfit him in gear.
and don't even get me started on food. culinarily, he hasn't stepped foot off american soil and is a veggie-phobe. his idea of cooking is making hamburger helper or pasta, and he doesn't even know what al dente means!
i'm an eternal optimist, he's a pessimist (or as he likes to say "realist"). often we're on the same page about an issue or subject, but it's not until we reach the end of a very tiring discussion that we realize we've come to the same place but via different routes..
he likes to think he's modern, but to me he's very traditional. when i had voiced that i wasn't changing my name when we got married and instead would add his name to mine, he said "i've never heard of anyone doing that before". WTF?
which leads to one of my greatest frustrations with him. he just seems less life-experienced than me. he only learned to do his laundry when he moved out of his parents' house to san francisco 2 years ago! he's told me he's spent a lot of time indoors, wrapped up in video games, saving his pennies for the woman of his dreams to share life's adventures with. meanwhile, i was off having those adventures. and i hate to admit that some of the things he gets excited about doing or thinks are new and exciting, are old hack for me. granted i've never done them with him, but there are a million and one other things on my life to do list that i'd like to get done. and sometimes it feels like i'm having to teach him which frustrates me. it shouldn't but it does.
which leads me to my next point. i'm not used to having to share my life. even though i was in a relationship for the majority of my 20s, dude wasn't around a lot. and my family was on the other side of the country. so i grew to be very independent. i'm resourceful. i don't need anyone to take care of me. and i've never had any other agenda than my own and have built my life around achieving my goals. this means i can be very ambitious, stubborn, and bossy, which i know grates on his southern genteel sensibilities, which i sometimes feel is pretention and undue snobbery. one of the hardest things i'm dealing with is the fact that presently, he makes more money than i do and foots the bill more often than not. i've never been in this position and i HATE not being an equal in this regard. i don't like feeling like i'm not contributing enough and i don't like feeling that he has the power because he has the money.
i think the biggest obstacle isn't our differences in food or background, but in my learning how to give up some of my independence to make me a we. giving up feeling like i'm right about how everything should be done (even though more often than not i am), giving up what i want to do all the time (which is hard!), giving up my free time to spend with him, changing my idea of the future because it now includes another person's goals and needs. for someone who yearned for a mate, i'm having a hard time adjusting to it in real life. i've just gone for so long on my own, had resolved that i would be alone, i had programmed myself to be tough and uncompromising. isn't that the single, independent woman anthem?
so how the heck can i feel like i've remained true to myself yet be in a successful, nurturing, happy relationship?
i do know that these doubts feel different from red flags. i've felt those before and ignored them. this feels different.
in so many ways, sg is more than i ever wanted in a man. honest. trustworthy. family oriented. funny. romantic. gentlemanly. articulate. loyal. loving. generous.
but in other ways, i just don't know. we have absolutely NO common interests. he's a quiet sci-fi, fantasy, history geeky only child from the deep south. i'm a gregarious, wanna-be athlete from the big city cracked out on pop-culture and design. i'd always hoped my spouse would be my #1 activity buddy. as it turns out, he doesn't ever want to run with me. (though he has said he hopes to be my #1 race supporter) he's into hiking, but i had to walk him through what "dri-fit" and "wicking" meant when we had to outfit him in gear.
and don't even get me started on food. culinarily, he hasn't stepped foot off american soil and is a veggie-phobe. his idea of cooking is making hamburger helper or pasta, and he doesn't even know what al dente means!
i'm an eternal optimist, he's a pessimist (or as he likes to say "realist"). often we're on the same page about an issue or subject, but it's not until we reach the end of a very tiring discussion that we realize we've come to the same place but via different routes..
he likes to think he's modern, but to me he's very traditional. when i had voiced that i wasn't changing my name when we got married and instead would add his name to mine, he said "i've never heard of anyone doing that before". WTF?
which leads to one of my greatest frustrations with him. he just seems less life-experienced than me. he only learned to do his laundry when he moved out of his parents' house to san francisco 2 years ago! he's told me he's spent a lot of time indoors, wrapped up in video games, saving his pennies for the woman of his dreams to share life's adventures with. meanwhile, i was off having those adventures. and i hate to admit that some of the things he gets excited about doing or thinks are new and exciting, are old hack for me. granted i've never done them with him, but there are a million and one other things on my life to do list that i'd like to get done. and sometimes it feels like i'm having to teach him which frustrates me. it shouldn't but it does.
which leads me to my next point. i'm not used to having to share my life. even though i was in a relationship for the majority of my 20s, dude wasn't around a lot. and my family was on the other side of the country. so i grew to be very independent. i'm resourceful. i don't need anyone to take care of me. and i've never had any other agenda than my own and have built my life around achieving my goals. this means i can be very ambitious, stubborn, and bossy, which i know grates on his southern genteel sensibilities, which i sometimes feel is pretention and undue snobbery. one of the hardest things i'm dealing with is the fact that presently, he makes more money than i do and foots the bill more often than not. i've never been in this position and i HATE not being an equal in this regard. i don't like feeling like i'm not contributing enough and i don't like feeling that he has the power because he has the money.
i think the biggest obstacle isn't our differences in food or background, but in my learning how to give up some of my independence to make me a we. giving up feeling like i'm right about how everything should be done (even though more often than not i am), giving up what i want to do all the time (which is hard!), giving up my free time to spend with him, changing my idea of the future because it now includes another person's goals and needs. for someone who yearned for a mate, i'm having a hard time adjusting to it in real life. i've just gone for so long on my own, had resolved that i would be alone, i had programmed myself to be tough and uncompromising. isn't that the single, independent woman anthem?
so how the heck can i feel like i've remained true to myself yet be in a successful, nurturing, happy relationship?
Thursday, October 02, 2008
4 interviews
- thursday: left feeling energized, renewed, and inspired. while he didn't have a job for me, i did make a great connection with a very talented freelancer. not only will he will be a very helpful resource, it was wonderful talking to another creative person. he shares studio space with a photographer and their studio is one of many in a whole building of other artists. it felt like home.
- friday: the manager i interviewed with was very nice and i felt like she genuinely wanted to help but couldn't offer me anything that paid what i wanted. boooo.
- friday #2: was asked to come back into the office to "try things out". sounded promising, yet sketchy.
- friday #2 followup on tuesday: it totally WAS sketchy. the office was ridiculously disorganized. it felt more like a sweatshop than a print shop. and it was more "every man for himself" than team oriented. BIG, HUGE NO!
- wednesday: very promising interview with a great company. interviewed with the vp and pre-press manager. then sent to interview with another manager. was offered the job later that day. but refused because again they weren't offering the money i wanted, much less deserved.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
the upside and downside
the upside: i have three interviews in the next two days. one is more of an informational one, but could possibly lead to freelance work.
the downside: i have to go to renaissance faire. in costume. wearing a corset. and i'm not allowed to make fun of anyone (at least out loud), especially my boyfriend. at least there will be beer. oh, there will be beer. *sigh* the things i do for love.
i've had a post rolling around in my head for some time now. the topic could be quite juicy if i decide to share. i worry about posting it only because of my current state of mind and wonder whether i will regret it later, should someone find it. that, my friends, is why it's best to keep your blog from people you know.
in any case, i've got a full 4 days ahead of me. hope your weekend is full of happy training!
the downside: i have to go to renaissance faire. in costume. wearing a corset. and i'm not allowed to make fun of anyone (at least out loud), especially my boyfriend. at least there will be beer. oh, there will be beer. *sigh* the things i do for love.
i've had a post rolling around in my head for some time now. the topic could be quite juicy if i decide to share. i worry about posting it only because of my current state of mind and wonder whether i will regret it later, should someone find it. that, my friends, is why it's best to keep your blog from people you know.
in any case, i've got a full 4 days ahead of me. hope your weekend is full of happy training!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
back in the day
this is sg when he was a senior in high school. and obviously, this is me. we would have made a totally hot couple, even then! except i got way better grades than he did and would have thought he was a slacker. and he might have thought i was too snobby and perky for my own good. so it's probably for the best we met when we did :)
i realize my blog has turned into a shrine to my current relationship. it's kind of embarrassing. i promise there will be real news soon.
actually, wait. i do have news. i've been scouring my address book and my facebook for help in the job search and so far have been having a little luck. no real hard leads yet, but it feels good to have so many other people watchin' my back. so, i say to you my beloved bloggers, if you have any contacts (or know of anyone who would) in the san francisco bay area in the field of marketing / communications / advertising / graphic design / production, please let me know.
Monday, September 15, 2008
the next phase
i canceled my gym membership.
in and of itself, not a big deal. but this one small action reveals a lot about the state of my life and where it's headed. it's no secret that training for "the next big race" has taken a back seat to other things lately. and i've finally accepted that. not that my endurance running days are over. just on hiatus.
training has become a lesser priority over :
in the meantime, while i look for a better paying job, i've cut expenses. and the gym membership was the first to go. it was hard. it was painful. i've been a member of some sort of gym for at least a decade. it's always so hard to quit because of how much it costs to join. and i tell myself i'll use it more. and i get scared that if i quit i'll just turn into a fat, lazy loser. when really, i have lots of resources at home to do exactly what i would do at the gym (besides swim).
again, in and of itself, quitting the gym is not a big deal. except that it's part of a larger "jenn gets financially responsible" plan...
the night before i quit the gym, i cut up my credit cards. in front of sg.
as sg and i got closer and talked more and more about marriage i was afraid that my past love affair with plastic would send him running. this is a man who has no debt. not even student loan debt. he paid for his past 2 vehicles in cash.
let's just say i'm glad he fell in love with me before knowing my deep, dark, debt secret. and the fact that it hasn't sent him running is even more proof to me that he is the one.
i spent my 20s having fun. living in the moment. wanting to experience everything i possibly could. i worked hard, don't get me wrong, because i've dug myself out of this hole before. but i always managed to find my way back, no matter how much money i was making, because something always came up that i didn't want to miss.
from what he tells me, sg has always been prudent. saving for what he really wanted. saving for that rainy day. saving up for the things he wanted to do when he met the woman of his dreams. he delayed his instant gratification for the future he wanted to build with his wife and his family. even though he didn't know who she was or when or whether it would happen.
the more we talked about building our life together, the more i realized that my past was holding us both back. and that i could no longer be so reckless. that the spoiled brat i had become would need to grow into a responsible brat.
and so it's begun. the next phase.
*************************************
if you're wondering about our future plans, nothing is set in store. he'd like to get married sooner rather than later, like before 2010, but considering all my money will be going into paying off my past, it makes saving for a wedding doubly difficult. that and the fact that i don't want my parents to have to pay a cent. they've done enough for me. i think his desires will be tempered by reality, but i can't say i'm a little disapointed if we would have to wait. though 2010 is a nice round number.
we've looked at rings. and before you get all up in arms, we were out shopping for other stuff, we walked by a jewelry store, it was his idea. he claims to know nothing about diamonds/rings, plus he wanted to know what i liked. and let me preface this by saying, i'm not a jewelry kind of girl. i have some special peices from my mom and my grandma, but from the most part, i wear only earrings and an ironman watch on a daily basis and consider costume jewelry more fun and dramatic (and less scary to lose) than real jewelry. but i still shouldn't have been surprised by the beauty and brilliance of a 2 karat princess cut solitaire on my finger. 1 karat would have been more than plenty, but looked so puny after the 2 karat. but not even my formerly spoiled brat self would expect an engagement ring that costs as much as a car.
we've discussed what we've envisioned as the perfect wedding. there are a number of options. eloping is still on the table, but not 100% ideal. we love our families too much to exclude them, but the sheer number of people and the east coast/west coast debate make running away to a tropical island all the more romantic. but i'm sure we'll come up with a happy compromise.
we've narrowed down the number of kids we'd like. no debate there. let's just hope our bodies are still up for when the time comes.
the biggest point of contention is where we'll settle down. california was never sg's intended home. and i moved back home to start planting roots. his family is in alabama, a place neither of us want to live. the jury's still out...
and that's about it. i know you all think we're crazy. we've only been dating for 2 months and 10 days. i know nothing is a guarantee. but sg is a perfect fit.
in and of itself, not a big deal. but this one small action reveals a lot about the state of my life and where it's headed. it's no secret that training for "the next big race" has taken a back seat to other things lately. and i've finally accepted that. not that my endurance running days are over. just on hiatus.
training has become a lesser priority over :
- making more money/finding a new job
- getting into grad school
- spending time with the family and the beau
in the meantime, while i look for a better paying job, i've cut expenses. and the gym membership was the first to go. it was hard. it was painful. i've been a member of some sort of gym for at least a decade. it's always so hard to quit because of how much it costs to join. and i tell myself i'll use it more. and i get scared that if i quit i'll just turn into a fat, lazy loser. when really, i have lots of resources at home to do exactly what i would do at the gym (besides swim).
again, in and of itself, quitting the gym is not a big deal. except that it's part of a larger "jenn gets financially responsible" plan...
the night before i quit the gym, i cut up my credit cards. in front of sg.
as sg and i got closer and talked more and more about marriage i was afraid that my past love affair with plastic would send him running. this is a man who has no debt. not even student loan debt. he paid for his past 2 vehicles in cash.
let's just say i'm glad he fell in love with me before knowing my deep, dark, debt secret. and the fact that it hasn't sent him running is even more proof to me that he is the one.
i spent my 20s having fun. living in the moment. wanting to experience everything i possibly could. i worked hard, don't get me wrong, because i've dug myself out of this hole before. but i always managed to find my way back, no matter how much money i was making, because something always came up that i didn't want to miss.
from what he tells me, sg has always been prudent. saving for what he really wanted. saving for that rainy day. saving up for the things he wanted to do when he met the woman of his dreams. he delayed his instant gratification for the future he wanted to build with his wife and his family. even though he didn't know who she was or when or whether it would happen.
the more we talked about building our life together, the more i realized that my past was holding us both back. and that i could no longer be so reckless. that the spoiled brat i had become would need to grow into a responsible brat.
and so it's begun. the next phase.
*************************************
if you're wondering about our future plans, nothing is set in store. he'd like to get married sooner rather than later, like before 2010, but considering all my money will be going into paying off my past, it makes saving for a wedding doubly difficult. that and the fact that i don't want my parents to have to pay a cent. they've done enough for me. i think his desires will be tempered by reality, but i can't say i'm a little disapointed if we would have to wait. though 2010 is a nice round number.
we've looked at rings. and before you get all up in arms, we were out shopping for other stuff, we walked by a jewelry store, it was his idea. he claims to know nothing about diamonds/rings, plus he wanted to know what i liked. and let me preface this by saying, i'm not a jewelry kind of girl. i have some special peices from my mom and my grandma, but from the most part, i wear only earrings and an ironman watch on a daily basis and consider costume jewelry more fun and dramatic (and less scary to lose) than real jewelry. but i still shouldn't have been surprised by the beauty and brilliance of a 2 karat princess cut solitaire on my finger. 1 karat would have been more than plenty, but looked so puny after the 2 karat. but not even my formerly spoiled brat self would expect an engagement ring that costs as much as a car.
we've discussed what we've envisioned as the perfect wedding. there are a number of options. eloping is still on the table, but not 100% ideal. we love our families too much to exclude them, but the sheer number of people and the east coast/west coast debate make running away to a tropical island all the more romantic. but i'm sure we'll come up with a happy compromise.
we've narrowed down the number of kids we'd like. no debate there. let's just hope our bodies are still up for when the time comes.
the biggest point of contention is where we'll settle down. california was never sg's intended home. and i moved back home to start planting roots. his family is in alabama, a place neither of us want to live. the jury's still out...
and that's about it. i know you all think we're crazy. we've only been dating for 2 months and 10 days. i know nothing is a guarantee. but sg is a perfect fit.
Friday, August 29, 2008
i need a set of big girl pants...
so much time lapses between my posts that i think why do i even bother? do people even really care any more? then i remember i started blogging for myself. so that answers that question. it frustrates me though, that there is so much going on in my life that training has taken a back seat. i gave myself the excuse of adopting a type b approach to training this summer. and while it's helped keep me "balanced" to enjoy things other than my running, i feel like part of my life is severely lacking because i'm not running as much as i'd like. not even so much that i'm not running as much as i think i should or need. but i WANT to be running more. what craziness!
my upcoming half marathon in october has started to weigh on me. will i be ready? at the beginning of the summer i would have said, yes, i will be ready. now? it's pretty dicey. could i get through it, yes. could i walk the majority of it? yes. but i don't want to. i want to run it. i want to run it better than i've run any other half marathon.
so what's my problem?
i never understood how much of a time commitment and mental commitment training was. because i had all the free time in the world as a single nine to fiver. added onto the fact that i lived on my own. now? i've still got a nine to five, but i have many more family responsibilities, don't have a whole home to myself, and maintain a relationship with a boyfriend who lives an hour away. and soon? i'm gonna have to worry about gmats and grad school apps. AND. i really need to start looking for another job.
where the HELL am i going to find time to train?
in the grand scheme of things, everything else comes first. but how do i reconcile my strong desire to train and race and the finite number of hours in a day? the finite amount of energy i can put into the various pieces of my life?
i know i'm not alone in this. hell, there are executive mothers who train for 2 marathons and ironmans at a time with twin infants at home. everyone has a lot on their plate. why can't i seem to juggle everything too?
i kind of wish i hadn't signed up for this half marathon. i think the reason it weighs heavily on my mind is that if i'm gonna do it, i want to do it well. and it irks me that there just doesn't seem like there's enough time. it irks me that i'm unwilling? unable? to step things up and just bite the bullet and stop whining and just get off my ass and train like a good girl.
grrrrr....
but at the same time, i just can't abandon everything else and eat, sleep, and breathe training. i HAVE to get a new job. i HAVE to take the gmats. i HAVE to apply to business school. i WANT to be there for my family. i WANT to be there for my boyfriend. i WANT to catch up with friends.
the theme of my past posts all definitely point to me not having enough time for myself. downtime, not worrying about anything. doing exactly what i want, when i want, how i want, for whatever reason i want. even as i write this i get this icky knot in my stomach. i just want to run away.
i know that soon enough, things will shake down. and i'll get a handle on things. and what falls to the wayside, falls to the wayside. it'll all be good. but for now, i'm angsty :)
in other news, sg and i are headed to vegas tomorrow to meet up with my college friends. you know, for the the girls' trip that turned into the couple's trip. i have loads more to say about that but i've already blogged your ear (eyes?) off. i also have a race report from last friday to write. wherein i took my nephew to his first race! :)
but that will all have to wait. everyone's on vacavy anyway. be safe kids and have fun!
my upcoming half marathon in october has started to weigh on me. will i be ready? at the beginning of the summer i would have said, yes, i will be ready. now? it's pretty dicey. could i get through it, yes. could i walk the majority of it? yes. but i don't want to. i want to run it. i want to run it better than i've run any other half marathon.
so what's my problem?
i never understood how much of a time commitment and mental commitment training was. because i had all the free time in the world as a single nine to fiver. added onto the fact that i lived on my own. now? i've still got a nine to five, but i have many more family responsibilities, don't have a whole home to myself, and maintain a relationship with a boyfriend who lives an hour away. and soon? i'm gonna have to worry about gmats and grad school apps. AND. i really need to start looking for another job.
where the HELL am i going to find time to train?
in the grand scheme of things, everything else comes first. but how do i reconcile my strong desire to train and race and the finite number of hours in a day? the finite amount of energy i can put into the various pieces of my life?
i know i'm not alone in this. hell, there are executive mothers who train for 2 marathons and ironmans at a time with twin infants at home. everyone has a lot on their plate. why can't i seem to juggle everything too?
i kind of wish i hadn't signed up for this half marathon. i think the reason it weighs heavily on my mind is that if i'm gonna do it, i want to do it well. and it irks me that there just doesn't seem like there's enough time. it irks me that i'm unwilling? unable? to step things up and just bite the bullet and stop whining and just get off my ass and train like a good girl.
grrrrr....
but at the same time, i just can't abandon everything else and eat, sleep, and breathe training. i HAVE to get a new job. i HAVE to take the gmats. i HAVE to apply to business school. i WANT to be there for my family. i WANT to be there for my boyfriend. i WANT to catch up with friends.
the theme of my past posts all definitely point to me not having enough time for myself. downtime, not worrying about anything. doing exactly what i want, when i want, how i want, for whatever reason i want. even as i write this i get this icky knot in my stomach. i just want to run away.
i know that soon enough, things will shake down. and i'll get a handle on things. and what falls to the wayside, falls to the wayside. it'll all be good. but for now, i'm angsty :)
in other news, sg and i are headed to vegas tomorrow to meet up with my college friends. you know, for the the girls' trip that turned into the couple's trip. i have loads more to say about that but i've already blogged your ear (eyes?) off. i also have a race report from last friday to write. wherein i took my nephew to his first race! :)
but that will all have to wait. everyone's on vacavy anyway. be safe kids and have fun!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
i need to lay off the carbs
because they're messing with my mood.
besides i'll be in vegas in 4 days. carb bloat won't fit into my halter dresses.
besides i'll be in vegas in 4 days. carb bloat won't fit into my halter dresses.
Friday, August 22, 2008
*sigh*
i think my mood lately pretty much confirms that i need a vacation. a proper vacation, not just fun, action packed three day weekends. in fact, i think it's the combination of my work weeks AND weekends that have been making my life too hectic. that and the end of summer marking serious get down to business with business school time.
so while i don't have any vacation time coming soon, the first two weekends in september are open and i plan to keep it that way. no bf, no family, no friends. just me. and whatever the hell i want to do. which may just very well be nothing.
well, eating. i WILL be eating!
so while i don't have any vacation time coming soon, the first two weekends in september are open and i plan to keep it that way. no bf, no family, no friends. just me. and whatever the hell i want to do. which may just very well be nothing.
well, eating. i WILL be eating!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
on turning 30
unrelated to the main part of this post, i am in a crappy mood. had a great yoga session, where i confirmed that i am way too tight, followed by a crappy run cut short. i feel like i need a vacation and my mom is working my last nerve. but instead of dwelling on the crap, i'm posting something i wrote (and kept in drafts) earlier in the week about the fabulousness that has been turning 30.
in my rare downtime, i've been catching up on my blog reading and came across this post at she just walks around with it. as you all know, i've been very contemplative about turning 30 and have been talking about it since i turned 29. i've been eager to just get over my 20s already and move on to the next phase of my life. not to say my 20s weren't totally kick ass. because they were. despite all the turmoil that i (and most people do in their 20s) went through, i wouldn't trade it in for anything. i lament that it has probably taken me longer to grow up than most people, but i guess that's just the price you pay for being a kid at heart. and i'd rather be a kid than an adult any day :)
i had some ideas planned for the big 3-0 post. you know, lists of stuff i want to see, accomplish etc. for now, i've settled on this:
10 things about my past:
in my rare downtime, i've been catching up on my blog reading and came across this post at she just walks around with it. as you all know, i've been very contemplative about turning 30 and have been talking about it since i turned 29. i've been eager to just get over my 20s already and move on to the next phase of my life. not to say my 20s weren't totally kick ass. because they were. despite all the turmoil that i (and most people do in their 20s) went through, i wouldn't trade it in for anything. i lament that it has probably taken me longer to grow up than most people, but i guess that's just the price you pay for being a kid at heart. and i'd rather be a kid than an adult any day :)
i had some ideas planned for the big 3-0 post. you know, lists of stuff i want to see, accomplish etc. for now, i've settled on this:
10 things about my past:
- i always loved school. so much so that i chose to go to summer school. i very much enjoyed being "one of the smart kids".
- i was a little shy as a kid. but puberty helped. boobs are useful in gaining friends, i guess.
- going to college out of state was one of the best decisions i ever made.
- returning home was also one of the best decisions i ever made.
- i have been in love 3 times.
- i spent way too much money.
- i was way type-a.
- i've always been grateful for my creative abilities.
- i spent a lot of time trying to be "perfect".
- i was kind of a snob.
- i am the happiest i've ever been.
- i'm a runner. and very much enjoy that i am active and fit, especially after a very non-athletic childhood.
- i wish i kept up with my piano lessons though.
- i am praying to the gods for a great gmat score and acceptance into b-school.
- i find i'm happier being "balanced" over being "perfect"
- i eat way too much.
- i have found the love of my life.
- i have embraced being dubbed "cute" and hope it means i'll always look young for my age.
- i appreciate my loved ones much, much more. and hopefully do a good job in showing it.
- i am starting to be deafened by the sound of my biological clock. for awhile i thought i didn't have one.
- i will get an mba.
- i will run more marathons.
- i will marry sg.
- i will have our babies. and they will be damned cute. and smart. (and they will be runners)
- i will travel to greece, latin america, australia, italy, spain, and most of the 50 states. and anywhere sg wants to go. i will follow him to the ends of the earth, if need be.
- i will be a working mom and teach my daughters to be strong and independent.
- i will learn to: sew, surf, letterpress, screenprint, and take better pictures.
- i also want to take up: gardening, light carpentry, and triathloning. i'd also like to brush up on my spanish and use it more often.
- i want to do more: dancing, cooking, swimming, yoga, crafting.
- i will always laugh more than i will cry.
Monday, August 18, 2008
how did that happen?
a month ago, i ran my fastest 6 miler ever in 1:17. i weighed in at 165 after losing 6 pounds in 18 days. tonight i ran a 7 miler in 1:33:39. and was shocked to see the scale read 163.5.
huh?
i'm not getting faster, which is no surprise since i am running at most twice a week. but how the hell did i manage to lose weight this month? have you SEEN what i've been doing the last month? what i've EATEN this month? it's a shock to me that i was able to run 7 miles at all!
i guess there really is something to this whole cross training thing. because even though i've skipped too many runs, i've replaced them with hikes and long walks. and i have managed to get in at least one medium to long run every week. but still. by no means does it feel like i'm training, yet i somehow manage to eke by AND lose weight?
this type b approach really works, man.
huh?
i'm not getting faster, which is no surprise since i am running at most twice a week. but how the hell did i manage to lose weight this month? have you SEEN what i've been doing the last month? what i've EATEN this month? it's a shock to me that i was able to run 7 miles at all!
i guess there really is something to this whole cross training thing. because even though i've skipped too many runs, i've replaced them with hikes and long walks. and i have managed to get in at least one medium to long run every week. but still. by no means does it feel like i'm training, yet i somehow manage to eke by AND lose weight?
this type b approach really works, man.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
a blog is a lot of work
i have become one of those women who is too busy for a lot of things now that she has a boyfriend. grrr. in all honesty though, class was taking up a fair bit of time. and now that it's finally not my birthday (i've been celebrating since the 1st) things should HOPEFULLY get getting back to normal. but i know it really won't til after our trip to vegas on labor day.
i got a short run in on friday before the boy came down for the weekend. i managed to get in some other active time playing with the nephew, beating sg in a major way in mini golf, hiking, sweating to dance dance revolution, breaking in the new wii fit, and kayaking. not a total loss for the weekend. i wanted to get a long run in after the boy left tonight, but i have eaten my weight in carbs and my body is busy digesting. and evacuating. not a good time to run.
i started a post about my birthday celebrations, but in all honesty, i'm tuckered out for a full recap. check out my flickr page for photos and i'll give you the short recap now:
sg planned a weekend of surprises for me the first weekend of august where we went to the monterey bay aquarium, which i haven't been to in years! he arranged for us to take a boat around the bay. i don't know if it was the wine or the actual waves that made him sick, but the poor thing was heaving his lunch over the side of the boat. i did get video of a baby dolphin that was swimming along side the boat for a good portion of the trip. that night we got back to his apartment, and as a pizza baked in the oven we looked up at the stars out of his window and found the big dipper. and as we traced the spoon, a shooting star darted across the sky! a total "this only happens in the movies" kind of moment. but that's been my life since meeting him.
on sunday, he arranged dinner at the melting pot, where there were roses waiting for me at our private booth in the section of the restaurant called "lover's lane". and he even arranged for us to get our picture taken. seriously, if someone were telling me this story, this is the part i would fake barf, but really, it was all very sweet.
on monday, he managed to get club level tickets to the giants game, so i feigned ill and spent the day as a local.
the next weekend, i had a camping trip planned with the whole fam down in santa cruz. all 30 of us, and poor patrick. even my 92 year old grandma and newborn nephew camped! he was a hit with the fam, with the exception of my grizzly overprotective mama bear, who doesn't want to admit that she likes him. we ate 'round the clock, taught the kids how to swim, hula hooped, rode bikes, tie dyed tshirts, rode a mechanical bull, played ping pong, made smores. it was all good family outdoor fun.
on my actual birthday, i drove me and my parents up to sacramento to have dinner with my brothers, sil, and monchichi. nothing too crazy, though the girls at hooters had me stand on a chair and do a funky chicken like dance while they sang. yes, we went to hooters for my birthday. try the fried pickles next time you go.
next weekend, the monchichi and i are running the race for the arts 10k in sacramento. we're also celebrating my baby brother's 25th. i'm taking him to the infineon raceway for his birthday.
so you can see, it's been a busy busy summer. one i wouldn't trade for the world. but i promise i'll be back to my regular bloggy (and running) self soon. the san jose half won't run itself!
i got a short run in on friday before the boy came down for the weekend. i managed to get in some other active time playing with the nephew, beating sg in a major way in mini golf, hiking, sweating to dance dance revolution, breaking in the new wii fit, and kayaking. not a total loss for the weekend. i wanted to get a long run in after the boy left tonight, but i have eaten my weight in carbs and my body is busy digesting. and evacuating. not a good time to run.
i started a post about my birthday celebrations, but in all honesty, i'm tuckered out for a full recap. check out my flickr page for photos and i'll give you the short recap now:
sg planned a weekend of surprises for me the first weekend of august where we went to the monterey bay aquarium, which i haven't been to in years! he arranged for us to take a boat around the bay. i don't know if it was the wine or the actual waves that made him sick, but the poor thing was heaving his lunch over the side of the boat. i did get video of a baby dolphin that was swimming along side the boat for a good portion of the trip. that night we got back to his apartment, and as a pizza baked in the oven we looked up at the stars out of his window and found the big dipper. and as we traced the spoon, a shooting star darted across the sky! a total "this only happens in the movies" kind of moment. but that's been my life since meeting him.
on sunday, he arranged dinner at the melting pot, where there were roses waiting for me at our private booth in the section of the restaurant called "lover's lane". and he even arranged for us to get our picture taken. seriously, if someone were telling me this story, this is the part i would fake barf, but really, it was all very sweet.
on monday, he managed to get club level tickets to the giants game, so i feigned ill and spent the day as a local.
the next weekend, i had a camping trip planned with the whole fam down in santa cruz. all 30 of us, and poor patrick. even my 92 year old grandma and newborn nephew camped! he was a hit with the fam, with the exception of my grizzly overprotective mama bear, who doesn't want to admit that she likes him. we ate 'round the clock, taught the kids how to swim, hula hooped, rode bikes, tie dyed tshirts, rode a mechanical bull, played ping pong, made smores. it was all good family outdoor fun.
on my actual birthday, i drove me and my parents up to sacramento to have dinner with my brothers, sil, and monchichi. nothing too crazy, though the girls at hooters had me stand on a chair and do a funky chicken like dance while they sang. yes, we went to hooters for my birthday. try the fried pickles next time you go.
next weekend, the monchichi and i are running the race for the arts 10k in sacramento. we're also celebrating my baby brother's 25th. i'm taking him to the infineon raceway for his birthday.
so you can see, it's been a busy busy summer. one i wouldn't trade for the world. but i promise i'll be back to my regular bloggy (and running) self soon. the san jose half won't run itself!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
this is what 30 looks like
happy. healthy. confident. loved.
go shorty! it's your birthday!
and this is my future.
and as it is my birthday, i thought it would be fitting to post my 6 word memoir:
big laughs. big heart. big appetite.
more thoughts on hitting the big 3-0 later...as well as updates on the very busy past 2 weeks!
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
slow
i'm finally home. in my own bed. whew. work today wasn't too bad. mainly because i know it's even extra shorter because i have friday off too!
i did get in a nice long run on monday while the boy worked. i set out from his apartment atop russian hill, made my way down to ghiradelli square ran through the marina and made it all the way to chrissy field and along baker beach before i had to stop and pee. i wished i had more time to do to the golden gate, but my parking spot expired in 2 hours and i needed to hightail it back home.
it took me a little under 45 minutes for this portion, but i gave myself more time on the return trip because it was going to be uphill. and i mean UPhill. hyde street between beach and lombard are killer. KILLER! i tried to run every other block. and the tourists were amazed. honestly, i was amazed. one day i will conquer these hills without my hamstrings begging for mercy. i've seen people do it. and i will one day be one of those people.
i ended up getting lost, as i usually do. and ended up circling round and round until i asked a meter maid for directions. i made it back to my car in just a little over 2 hours. and even though i have run only 1 other time last week, this run felt easy, breezy, and FANTASTIC. and even though my ipod crapped out 30 minutes into my run, the weather and sights were so gorgeous i felt like i could have run forever. it gives me hope that a half marathon really is doable again.
i have also named this post slow because flickr is taking forever to upload my photos from this weekend. i don't blame it though. at last count, after deleting the duds and doing some quick photoshopping, it's uploading 305 photos. whew!
so i'll wait til i have the proper visual aids to do the show and tell of this weekend. trust me, it's worth it. right now, i need to massage the heck outta my legs. and oh yeah, a stats test to study for... grrrr....
i did get in a nice long run on monday while the boy worked. i set out from his apartment atop russian hill, made my way down to ghiradelli square ran through the marina and made it all the way to chrissy field and along baker beach before i had to stop and pee. i wished i had more time to do to the golden gate, but my parking spot expired in 2 hours and i needed to hightail it back home.
it took me a little under 45 minutes for this portion, but i gave myself more time on the return trip because it was going to be uphill. and i mean UPhill. hyde street between beach and lombard are killer. KILLER! i tried to run every other block. and the tourists were amazed. honestly, i was amazed. one day i will conquer these hills without my hamstrings begging for mercy. i've seen people do it. and i will one day be one of those people.
i ended up getting lost, as i usually do. and ended up circling round and round until i asked a meter maid for directions. i made it back to my car in just a little over 2 hours. and even though i have run only 1 other time last week, this run felt easy, breezy, and FANTASTIC. and even though my ipod crapped out 30 minutes into my run, the weather and sights were so gorgeous i felt like i could have run forever. it gives me hope that a half marathon really is doable again.
i have also named this post slow because flickr is taking forever to upload my photos from this weekend. i don't blame it though. at last count, after deleting the duds and doing some quick photoshopping, it's uploading 305 photos. whew!
so i'll wait til i have the proper visual aids to do the show and tell of this weekend. trust me, it's worth it. right now, i need to massage the heck outta my legs. and oh yeah, a stats test to study for... grrrr....
Monday, August 04, 2008
time flies
has it really been a week since i last posted? have i really been that busy. the answer is yes! fu*k yes.
this is the last week of class, and i'm poised to get an a. i found out that i only need a 65 on the last test to keep my a! WOOT! my friend kb was visiting on friday, and we had a full day hiking at muir woods, picnicing at stinson beach, and cooling off in the ocean. from there we met up with sg, 3 of my cousins and my aunt for a ridiculously fantastic steak dinner at harris' in nob hill.
from there, we made our way to asiasf only to be pulled over by a cop for supposedly making a right hand turn from the wrong lane. BOO! totally not the case, but sg got hit with a $400 ticket. for something totally ridiculously lame. needless to say, that was a huge buzzkill and we all went home right after.
the rest of the weekend has been spent with my sg, learning of my birthday surprise and continuing to be the happiest, luckiest girl on earth. in fact, the fun hasn't yet stopped. the boy got bad@ss tickets to the giant's game through work and we're capping off our 4 day weekend at the ballpark. so i called out today and am planning my day in the city while he is at work.
so updates of our weekend will most likely follow on tuesday or wednesday once i finally upload the 1000 pictures i've taken in the last 4 days. i do plan on running today, finally. i'm so glad class will be over this week and i can REALLY start training...and looking for a job in san francisco.......
hope you all had a tenth of the weekend i've had!
this is the last week of class, and i'm poised to get an a. i found out that i only need a 65 on the last test to keep my a! WOOT! my friend kb was visiting on friday, and we had a full day hiking at muir woods, picnicing at stinson beach, and cooling off in the ocean. from there we met up with sg, 3 of my cousins and my aunt for a ridiculously fantastic steak dinner at harris' in nob hill.
from there, we made our way to asiasf only to be pulled over by a cop for supposedly making a right hand turn from the wrong lane. BOO! totally not the case, but sg got hit with a $400 ticket. for something totally ridiculously lame. needless to say, that was a huge buzzkill and we all went home right after.
the rest of the weekend has been spent with my sg, learning of my birthday surprise and continuing to be the happiest, luckiest girl on earth. in fact, the fun hasn't yet stopped. the boy got bad@ss tickets to the giant's game through work and we're capping off our 4 day weekend at the ballpark. so i called out today and am planning my day in the city while he is at work.
so updates of our weekend will most likely follow on tuesday or wednesday once i finally upload the 1000 pictures i've taken in the last 4 days. i do plan on running today, finally. i'm so glad class will be over this week and i can REALLY start training...and looking for a job in san francisco.......
hope you all had a tenth of the weekend i've had!
Monday, July 28, 2008
15 things about this weekend
surf's up!it's busy-busy around here. so busy i will stop using complete sentences and post in bullets. this weekend i:
- learned the monchichi knows the words to katy perry's song, "i kissed a girl". how hilarious is that?!
- feasted on an assortment of grilled meats, courtesy of my brother the chef: rib eye, 2 kinds of pork chops, quartered chicken, leg of lamb. animals are tasty.
- also dined on authentic southern fried chicken. (without sg)
- bought a huge flat of strawberries and bricks of 2 kinds of chocolate: old dutch and french vanilla dark.
- cringed when the monchichi sadly called out for me as i left to meet sg and his friends.
- made friends with a new toddler.
- drank beer and got beat by a calculus teacher at ping pong. i guess being asian doesn't automatically make you good at ping pong.
- got up the next morning and ran for 45 minutes AND did my pushups.
- and felt like a total show off.
- met some cool new people.
- participated in major pda in front of sg's friends.
- ate 2 kinds of cake.
- introduced sg to my brother, sil, cousin, mom, and dad.
- survived the whole ordeal.
- was pleasantly surprised at how it all went, actually.
as for my parents' reactions to sg, my mom says she hopes he can "tame" me, whatever the hell that means. last time i checked i wasn't a shrew.
this week holds tons more activity. i have a friend in from out of town and sg has planned an early birthday extravaganza weekend! and it's a SURPRISE! wheeeeeeeeee!
until then, i've got laundry, homework, and running to do. lots of running!
this week holds tons more activity. i have a friend in from out of town and sg has planned an early birthday extravaganza weekend! and it's a SURPRISE! wheeeeeeeeee!
until then, i've got laundry, homework, and running to do. lots of running!
one day i will stop posting pictures of the two of us. today is not that day.
------------
in running news, i got an easy 2 miler in, followed by some lower body in the weight room.
in running news, i got an easy 2 miler in, followed by some lower body in the weight room.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
weighing the options
things keeping me from running:
that's it...i'm logging off and running....peace out!
******UPDATE******
6 mile lr on the books. totally smooth sailing. so smooth i wasn't paying attention to mile markers and hit my split button too late on every mile. (14:18, 12:38, 13:06, 12:19, 14:55) i had tocut the 6 miler down to 5 after developing a hip twinge at 4.5 miles. i've felt this twinge before when training for santa cruz. and i was NOT going to push it. i walked the last half mile and stretched like a mo fo. tomorrow i had planned to get in an easy 5 miles, but i think i'll be in the pool, pulling for my life, and getting some yoga done tonight!
let's hope the monchichi doesn't have any strenuous exercise on the books, though!
- daydreaming (of the boy)
- i ate two doughnuts last night with the excuse that i was going to run today.
- i want to run a strong half mary, not just survive it.
- i'd like to lose another 6 pounds before my vegas trip on labor day.
that's it...i'm logging off and running....peace out!
******UPDATE******
6 mile lr on the books. totally smooth sailing. so smooth i wasn't paying attention to mile markers and hit my split button too late on every mile. (14:18, 12:38, 13:06, 12:19, 14:55) i had tocut the 6 miler down to 5 after developing a hip twinge at 4.5 miles. i've felt this twinge before when training for santa cruz. and i was NOT going to push it. i walked the last half mile and stretched like a mo fo. tomorrow i had planned to get in an easy 5 miles, but i think i'll be in the pool, pulling for my life, and getting some yoga done tonight!
let's hope the monchichi doesn't have any strenuous exercise on the books, though!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
some spontaneity
kids, i skipped school today. and i skipped my speed workout. i was missing the boy way too much and friday seemed too far off. confident that the 102 on my last test solidified my A in stats, i didn't feel too guilty as i breezed past the college on the way to the bay.
i was greeted with hugs. and kisses. and he smelled so good. it was exactly what i missed. exactly what i needed.
we headed to dinner at memphis minnie's to get our fill of what he considers the most authentic southern barbecue in the city. and while the sweet tea left much to be desired, the ribs were spot on.
from there we drove to the beach, not missing robin william's huge mansion overlooking china beach. we climbed up some rocks to find a little spot to watch the sun set. and then when the sun touched down on the horizon, we spotted a large school of dolphins splashing and swimming in the water. we soaked in the fresh air, watched the waves crash, and collected rocks in the sand to commemorate our third date.
i don't know what i ever did to get this lucky. but i honestly have been thanking my lucky stars every day. i never knew it could be this good. i never know i could be this happy.
i was greeted with hugs. and kisses. and he smelled so good. it was exactly what i missed. exactly what i needed.
we headed to dinner at memphis minnie's to get our fill of what he considers the most authentic southern barbecue in the city. and while the sweet tea left much to be desired, the ribs were spot on.
from there we drove to the beach, not missing robin william's huge mansion overlooking china beach. we climbed up some rocks to find a little spot to watch the sun set. and then when the sun touched down on the horizon, we spotted a large school of dolphins splashing and swimming in the water. we soaked in the fresh air, watched the waves crash, and collected rocks in the sand to commemorate our third date.
i don't know what i ever did to get this lucky. but i honestly have been thanking my lucky stars every day. i never knew it could be this good. i never know i could be this happy.
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