go legs go!

i got in 14.75 miles in an hour on the bike today! when i got up off up off the bike to towel it off, i swear to bob i thought my legs were going to buckle under me. and if these damn bike sessions do not give me the ass i want by summer, i don't know what will! my glutes have never felt like this before.

the hill interval setting on the bike does a one minute hill and a one minute rest. at some point in the beginning it does a longer moderate hill. i keep my rpms above 100 for the hills and between 60 and 80 for the rest. but i'd like to try to do longer hill intervals. i'll have to see if this can be accomplished by increasing the level or just doing in manually. though i can see my lazy ass coasting more than climbing if left to my own devices.

in any case, i'm pretty excited to have embraced the dreaded bike. it's great to have another outlet that i can track and improve on in and of itself AND help my running at the same time! at some point i'll pick up swimming again, because lord knows my upperbody needs some work.

race report: petite pigtails and the sexy dance

maybe it was the gorgeous weather, or my somewhat busy week, but i just really didn't feel like racing today. the weekend weather was promising to be picture perfect and by friday, the temps were climbing into the high 70s. instead of celebrating spring with healthy, outdoor activities, i chose to dine alfresco with some ice, cold brews. when given the option between beer and racing, it appears my loyalties lie with beer :)

but even without the pressure of racing, i STILL couldn't sleep the night before. and as usual, i had some funky dreams, none of which i can remember right now. something about getting lost, or forgetting my id or something. anyway, we were up before the sun and on the way to the race we caught some great views of the sunrise.








the half marathoners took off first and the swarm of bobbing heads snaked around the stadium. Once they had a 10 minute head start, they unleashed us 5kers. as always, i positioned myself in the back because i'm slow and i didn't want to get in anyone's way. turns out that was a ba d idea. nothing against walkers, but they always travel in packs and it's a pain to swerve around them. why weren't THEY in the back?

but it probably did me some good, in terms of not starting me out too fast. earlier in the week i had planned on frontloading the run, considering my weekend extra curricular activities, i decided it best to save my energy.

the three miles went pretty fast actually. for most of the race, i tailed this really tall guy with a long red pony tail. he was easy to spot and kept me at a good pace. towards the end though, i just up and passed him. i wish i had more to report, but 31 minutes goes by pretty quickly. YES I SAID 31 MINUTES!!! which if you've been following along, is more than a minute faster than my 5k last month! i always knew corona was good for you!

here are my amazing splits: (well amazing for ME anyway)
1: 11:05
2: 10:21
3: 9:43

i wasn't even looking at my watch really until after i passed pony tail guy. and i was shocked! i kicked it up in the last leg, but the finish line was so crowded narrow it was hard to really zoom in. i think i'm really starting to get the hang of this 5k thing...

here's me after the finish, with my petite pony tails:



after the race, my parents and i met up with my brothers, sister in law, and nephew. we napped, took the lil one to the park, ate the biggest lunch known to man, then sat like logs while my nephew provided the entertainment, doing his little sexy dance. who knows where he picked this up!

mmmmm beer....

that's all i have to say about that.

wonder if my cycling workout will really happen tomroow morning.

green light!

i bumped my long run to today since i have a race on sunday and i didn't want to do them back to back. the 10 i ran today wasn't nearly as easy as my 9 on sunday, but i finished, if just barely. instead of running 2 loops around the golf course i ran on sunday, i decided to run TO the golf course, do the loop then run back home. though it still put a hill in the beginning and end of my run! i can't escape the damn things. i guess that's the price you pay for wanting have a great view of the little people below you ;)

one cool thing was that i caught every green light along the way, never having to stop at one intersection! all went smoothly til around mile 7. autopilot turned off; my body was just tired. i popped some sport beans at that point thinking that it might give me a boost. and it did for about a mile. (the jelly belly factory is in my hometown and they sell the "belly flops" (huge bags of mixed mess ups) for practically nothing...i wonder if they sell belly flops of the sport ones too...i'll have to investigate) though i'm thinking that the powergel works better for me because of the caffeine (which i never have since i don't drink coffee or soda) and the power gels claim to have 2-4x the sodium!

anyway, the last two miles consisted of a tired, tired petite chick shuffling along the street . but i made it. even up the last damned hill. and now i can shower, eat, nap and watch soaps...

my slow @ss splits:
1: 12:31
2: 12:05
3: 12:03
4: 12:25
5: 12:45
6: 12:32
7: 13:01
8: 12:21
9: 12:35
10: 13:31

more bike questions

3 easy miles on the treadmill and 6 on the bike. and i have a question.

is there a difference between the upright bike and the recumbent bike? (i had to look it up online to know what to call them, instead of the upright one and the not upright one) i used the recumbent one today because there was a smelly looking man in the middle of the uprights so i grabbed a bike as far away from him and it happen to be a recumbent one. i felt it more in my hamstrings and glutes, which for me is a good thing. i would assume the recumbent one puts less strain on your back as well. but other than that are there benefits and/or drawbacks to either?

i have another race on sunday, and to be honest i'm kind of over races right now. i'd like to focus on my big one next month which is the half-marathon, so i might just scoot my long run up to friday and front-load 2 miles onto the 5k on sunday and use it as my speed workout.

and this week. the weather calls for clear skies. FINALLY a race with no rain!

when i was even more petite

i was doing some cleaning and found a whole bunch of old photos. they are too embarrassing not to share.


now you can say you've seen me naked.


and in my nightie.


bowl haircut.


mullet. (god this picture SLAYS me!)


yes, i'm wearing a new kids on the block shirt. yes, my guess jeans are skin tight. yes, my bangs are 5 inches tall.


buddha belly!


how i got that belly.


first grade.

a glorious nine

after my great run yesterday, i decided i would keep the momentum going and go for 9 today. and a glorious 9 it was. the temperature ranged in the 50s, the sun was shining, and the humidity i so often trudged through back east was non-existent. this day was a gift from the running gods, and i took it.

the first 2 miles of my 5 mile loop were uphill, consisting of 2 hard inclines and a handful of easier inclines. it made starting my run kind of grueling, but ending it oh so sweet. and in-between, the time somehow vanished away. it took nearly 2 hours to finish but not once didi hear the clock ticking, not once did i ask myself, am i almost done? i can't remember anything i thought about to occupy my mind, the minutes and the miles just seemed to add up, without me counting. it just felt good. today's run was like a little gift i gave myself.

my splits:
1: 13:41
2: 12:00
3: 11:40
4: 11:36
5: 12:43 (this is where i looped back to my car to take off my vest)
6: 11:54
7: 11:49
8: 11:45
9: 12:24
T: 1:49:35

breakin' in my new kicks

the last 2 runs i've had were plain sucky. my easy run didn't feel easy at all and my 6 mile tempo run turned into a 3 mile suck-fest. it's like someone had poured cement into my shoes and veins.

today i realized i was just mentally pushing myself too hard. after a month of training for 2 races where i totally surprised myself, i had switched into type-a mode and my running turned into numbers and performance. my running had become work.

so i took the pressure off and told myself to just have FUN. my plan was to log in an hour on the treadmill but not worry about speed or time. i didn't bring my watch and covered up the display panel. and i ran to my heart's content. when my hour was up, i felt i could go for more, but i considered myself victorious for the day and decided to take an extra long time stretching.

i like this kind of running much better.

on another note, i finally decided i was about due for new shoes. one pair was already a year old and the one i trained in the most was about 9 months old. to my excitement, my custom orthotics meant i could ditch the heavy frankenstein motion control shoes for a lighter stability shoe. the difference is only a few ounces, but i could feel the difference instantly. my new brooks adrenalines feel super great: supportive yet cushiony. they honestly feel like i'm not wearing shoes at all. we'll see how they perform in the next 7 weeks leading up to santa cruz!

bugs all around

i have been trying to leave comments for people, but the visual verification thingee isnt showing me what i need to type to get my comments registered. bad, bad, blogger!

blogger isn't the only thing with a bug. it seems i have a stomach thingee that makes me feel like i wanna hurl, without actually making me hurl. and we won't speak about what it's doing to my other end.

this is probably the second or third time i've felt this way since i moved home 3 months ago.... i'm starting to get a little concerned about why this feeling keep recurring. (and i'm not pregnant. really. i'm not.)

maybe i need to start keeping a food and poop journal. gee, that sounds fun! but what would i call it?

T minus 8 months!

it took 2 hours, but i'm FINALLY registered!

for the nike women's marathon on october 21!

yippee skippeeee!!!!!!! wahoooooooo!!!!!oh yeah!!!!!!!!

...

...

...

oh. shit.

speed trap

as i coasted down the last hill of my run, i approached one of those speed trap machines.

"YOUR SPEED IS...6" it read.

you mean people, not just cars, big suvs and trucks, register on those things?? maybe i was hallucinating. or maybe i really am as big as a small volkswagen.

"spinning"

i wanted to make the 6am spin class today to see if this instructor was less annoying than the pm one. but alas, even after setting 2 different alarms, i didn't get up in time to make the class.

but still i was up before the sun and headed to the gym anyway and made my own spin class. it ended up being much more enjoyable. my own music and no annoying instructor. and the room was much cooler than the cycling studio, which is more like a sauna. i picked a hill interval course and had the machine set between levels 8 and 12. i tried to keep my rpms above 90 during the hills and at around 60 for the recoverys. i'll have to do some research on cycling workouts and hopefully i can challenge myself on the bike without the need for a class at a set time and place.

looks like i'm a lone wolf when it comes to exercise and training. other people's yapping and yammering just annoys the holy hell out of me.

gearing up

i just realized that in the last 2-3 weeks i've acquired quite a number of new "toys" for my running. yet i also seem to want more. here are a few of my latest purchases:

FINALLY! A WATCH! and on clearance at target, so how could i pass it up?! i was worried i wouldn't like how it felt or how the sweat would collect under the band, but i'm finding it very comfortable, both when i'm running and when i'm not. the only thing i seem to forget is to stop the watch when i'm done. so i have this random endless last lap at the end of all my workouts. and my watch is pink, not this blue...i feel appropriately sporty, yet chic.



especially when paired with my new running skirt! i heart heart heart running skirts. shorty shorts were never that flattering on me, but shorty skirts, well who can't help but look super flirty?! and guess what ladies, they're on sale at skirtsports.com. well kinda. they're running a promotion to trade in your old running shorts for a pair of their skirts at 45% off.. you can either do it through the mail or through a local participating retailer. in my opinion, skirts are far more comfortable and for my legs, much more flattering.


that being said, i bought a pair of cycling/tri shorts with the crotch padding and the leg grippy things. the most unflattering item of clothing i own, except that they have butt enhancing properties. and they make spinning bearable. i should've picked up two pairs since they were half off, but i'm still a little too shy to jump on the cycling bandwagon. especially since i don't even have a bike yet!!




i've been wanting this little gadget for forever! i even got a free shoe wallet at fleet feet, so i was set to go with out having to buy nike shoes. it keeps track of distance and speed, and can even log your workout online. when motivation is waning , you can conjure up your "power song" with a push of a button. it also has verbal motivation whenever you want it. you can also challenge other runners (or yourself) to meet certain distance, speed, or calorie goals.



speaking of motivation, these cadences absolutely ROCK! i also downloaded a few of the men's cadences. i find they're 1. entertaining 2. help you keep your mind off of running 3. make you feel like part of a big group, even if you're running alone. they helped me keep a good even pace for my 10k race. i think they'll be good to use for tempo runs and sprinkled into my long run playlists.

race report: i love 69

10k race day! with rain! it seems that no matter how beautiful the weather can get here in february, it still manages to rain on my race days.

but so far the rain has been a bit of a good luck charm because i finished in good time. 69 minutes and some change which beats my 10k time back in june of 71 minutes. and actually, because of some confused race volunteer, between mile 1 and 2 we were steered in the wrong direction and we had to back track to get back on the course. so who knows what my real time was for the actual 10k distance. i was too flustered and intent on making up time that i didn't think to check my watch and time how long it took to get back on track. oh well.

here are my splits:
1: 15:04 (this is where we "got lost")
2: 10:27
3: 10:35
4: 10:30
5 to finish: 23:06 (i swear to bob there was no marker for mile 5 or 6, trust me i was looking.)

to see splits run under 11 minutes absolutely blows my mind. and i think i would have pushed harder had i seen the mile markers for 5 and 6. knowing how far i've come and how far i have left really helps with my mental game. when i'm running. with no idea on distance, even a mile seems like it could go on forever.

so with a job well done, we celebrated with some fabulous texas barbecue and a long nap on the couch. mmmm mmmm...

option to rest

i didn't make it to cowboy boogie this week. i was feeling BEAT after tuesday's spin class and i realized i hadn't had a rest day since last tuesday. so even though the class didn't sound strenuous, i just didn't have enough oomph to get ready in time for class anyway.

instead, i went to a food show with my brother.

yes, i said a food show. sounds like heaven, huh? my brother is a chef for a hotel, so it's his job to go to these things. hundreds of vendors offering their very best meats, seafood, desserts, ice creams, pastas, soups, salads, hors dourves (i called them appetizers and my brother got mad at me), coffees, teas, etc. etc. there was even an area devoted to pickles. and even though the convention hall was huge and we walked the entire day, i was stuffed to the gills.

i felt slightly guilty for skipping the gym to gorge, but at least my legs don't feel so tight and i can get in a speed workout tomorrow before my 10k race on sunday.

saddle up

tonight, spin class #2 was made much more comfortable with my new super duper crotch and butt padded tri shorts that i got for half off on saturday! not only do they have padding that makes me feel like the little girl in the charmin commercial who stuffs her shorts full o' t.p. before she learns to roller skate (or is it ride a bike?) but the cuffs of the legs have super suction grippers to keep the shorts from riding up (and make my thighs look like juicy sausages).

but really i'm not thinking of that during class. i'm concentrating on the intense burning in my quads and the seriously annoying instructor who does not stop talking. i have a perma-grimace on my face the entire class just so she stays away and doesn't try to do anything stupid like crank up my resistance or try to talk to me. because who knows what i would do. probably some hairpulling.....as if i had the strength.

tomorrow will be easier, though. i'm taking a class called cowboy boogie. here's the description: Cowboy Boogie™ is a fun and hip country-inspired dance workout! In the 30-minute class, participants can improve their cardiovascular endurance through sexy country dance moves including Save a Horse, Saddle Up and Alley Cat. Each class ends with a 24 Hour Fitness signature line dance.

and if i haven't doubled over in laughter by the end of that class, i might take the strip aerobics class after. that FOR SURE will get me laughing. unless i can do some tequila shots before class...

and what exactly do you wear to these kinds of classes??

argh!!!

i was practically riding on air after my 8 mile run today. last week, i ran my 8 miles on the treadmill in 1:43. the last mile and a half sucked and i was hot and sweaty by the end. this week, i ran the 2 mile loop around the lake 4 times and finished in 1:26. i finished strong and felt light and cool nearly the entire run.

but when i looked at my splits, i knew something was amiss. check 'em out:

1: 11:45
2: 10:52
3: 12:07
4: 10:01
(walk and gu)
5: 12:44
6: 9:40
7: 11:08
8: 8:20

obviously, the trail is mismarked. god damned rangers!! the odd numbered miles make sense, but the even numbered miles, uh, not so much. i felt so so so good after my run and now i feel totally robbed!! i checked google pedometer and it looks like the entire loop is only 1.82 miles, which means i only ran about 7.3 miles.

but even so, at the pace i was running, i'm estimating that it would have really taken me 1:34 to finish the 8 miles and that is 9 minutes faster than last week. not only that, i finished STRONG this week, with my splits getting faster. my ability to push through fatigue in the later miles is one of the things that impresses me most about my running. it's one way that my impatience pays off, i think.

so now i know to have to tack on a little more to each loop the next time i run it if i want it to be an even 2 miles.

my mom is the cutest thing ever

my mom turned 60 last july. i certainly don't think of her as that old. maybe because i don't really think of myself as that old. i've been telling her she should color her hair to cover her grey. not because i think she looks bad or that she has to hide that she's 60. i just think there's no reason that she shouldn't have the dark hair she had when she was younger. i don't think that she has to accept looking a certain way because that is her chronological age. my mom may be 60, but she has the endless spirit and spunk of a woman my age.

so yesterday, when i went with her to get her hair cut, she just decided to do it. color her hair, cover up the grey.

and since yesterday afternoon, she cannot stop looking in the mirror. the second we got home she changed and put on makeup. she grinned ear to ear all day. she must have tried 10 different outfits before church today. and i have never seen my mom preen so much in front of the mirror. it's like she couldn't get enough of herself.

and i was just so happy and proud for her. because i know that my mom doesn't ever really feel as old as she is. and i am loving the fact that she shows it on the outside! watching her feel good about herself makes ME feel like a million bucks. like I'M the one that got the makeover! it's just totally frickin' awesome!

saturday morning

i was here. 8 am. 60 degrees. 2 miles. no ipod. just me and my thoughts.

pain in my crotch

yeah, it hurts. and i can already feel the soreness settling into my legs. oof.

will i do it again? hell yeah. not 'cause it's fun or thrilling or all the other things crazy people exclaim when they leave spin class. i'll do it again because it was damned hard. and i kinda like that.

----------
on the schedule this morning: intervals. but how the heck is a mile an interval? that's like...too long to be an interval! but the schedule said 5 miles, 2 x 1600 @ 11:04 with 800 rec. here's how it went down:

1600: 14:23
1600: 11:03
800: 6:57
1600: 10:52
2400: 20:54 ( i forgot to take my split time between my recovery and cooldown)

the first half of the workout was decent but i kinda fell apart during the last half. my ipod died somewhere during my warmup and i could not think of anything decent to daydream about. all i kept saying to myself was, "when is this gonna be over already?"

the upside is that today is already gorgeous and it looks like it's gonna get up to 73. the same goes for tomorrow. hopefully i can soak up some sun to banish my pms blues.

help with trying something new??

my weekly crosstraining usually consists of walking to the mailbox and/or fridge and dancing in the shower. but i figure i should try something a little more challenging, say spin class? the two most dreaded words in the dictionary. i tried it like 5 years ago and never mounted up again because it hurt my butt way too much. great workout, i'll admit, but sore sore bum :(

but i figured i'd give it another try, wade through the sore-butt syndrome, and see if i like it enough to buy the special shorts or seat. and who knows maybe it will firm my bum soooo much i won't need a gel seat. ha!

so, for all you avid and crazy spinners out there, any advice for a newbie?

8 is enough

my entire body is covered with a thin film of dried sweat. i'm like a human salt lick.

it looks like i've reached the point in my training where it starts to get hard. the last mile and a half sucked so hard. i wanted nothing more than to stop, curl in a ball and take a nap. but i pressed on, telling myself only 20 minutes more...in those 2o minutes my joints felt as creaky as the tinman's and i felt like i was slowly being filled with sand. i thought for sure there was no way my legs could carry my heavy, heavy body.

but they did. and i can finally reward myself with valentine's day chocolate covered strawberries!

happy valentine's day, peeps!

i'm officially old

after conducting a couple of experiments, i have concluded that it now takes me 2 days to recover from a night of drinking. pa-thetic!

last weekend, i was rendered so useless i couldn't even enjoy superbowl festivities. and this past sunday, all i could do was chug orange juice and fall asleep watching the grammys. yesterday was no better. while i had a big 8 miler planned, i only had enough energy to bake brownies and watch soaps.

thankfully, my liver gets a break this week, as the only excitement i have planned is a huge valentine dessertfest for my nephew. and the week after that, i have a race on sunday, forcing me to be good to my body for a full 2 weeks.

thank! god! because i can't keep giving up 3 whole days to the party gods anymore!

**drool**

i think i could eat a whole box right now.

and the bikini hanging on my closet door to motivate me to eat well, just isn't enough motivation right now.

first race of the year

a few hours before waking up this morning, i had a dream that i was rushing to the race only to have to come back several times for things i had forgotten. the last thing i had forgotten was to brush my teeth. guess i was a little nervous.

though really i had nothing to be nervous about, even in the rain. i finished in just over 32 minutes, which is 5 minutes faster than my 5k last april. i'm wondering if i even may have eked in under 32 minutes if you count the fact that i wasn't at the front of the pack in the beginning. but alas i'll never know since i don't wear a watch :) i was beyond psyched when i saw the clock as i raced to the finish. and it felt good to have enough energy at the end to pass at least 5 people. and it was nice to have my mom at the start and finish yelling my name as if i was the fastest person there :)

i'm riding such a high right now that i wish i was still running!

tempo, tempo

on the schedule today: 5 mile tempo, with the middle 3 miles run @ 11:44. as you can see by my splits, i don't like following directions.

1: 15:33
2: 11:09
3: 11:52
4: 11:15
5: 13:07
t: 65 minutes

i have a 5k on saturday, which may be run in the rain and mud. but the conditions aren't deterring my brother and mom from coming out to watch me. i don't know who's crazier, me or them :)

april 22

i finally forked over the money for the half marathon i am running in about 10 weeks. and it dawned on me that april 22 is the exact one year anniversary of my first race! from 5k to my second half marathon in one year :)

lucky number 7

i'm back in full swing and it totally shows in my long runs. it's like i start and my legs remember and just start doing it on their own. 7 miles seriously never felt so easy.

after my 5 mile run last week, i had some pain in my foot and outer calf and i started to worry. that's the area that was aggravated during training for my last half that kept me sidelined for my 10 mile race. that's the area that prompted me to finally get orthotics. and now that i have them i worried that they weren't working. but i'm trying to be mindful to start my runs slow, stretch at some point during and stretch reeeealllly good afterwards. 'cause i certainly don't want to make the same mistake twice.

aha!

from the last post, it's easy to see that i'm a huge procrastinator. i never get it when i meet people who say they don't. i wanna poke those people in the eyes. but even the worst procratinator like me aren't procrastinators in EVERY thing they do. for example, i never procrastinate when it comes to eating. i know that sounds silly, but i read that somewhere and it resonated big with me. this shows me that i am not a doomed procrastinator. and i'm not lazy.

so the question is WHY do i procrastinate at certain things, in this case, getting my job hunt off the ground? doing more reading, i came across a great article about overcoming procrastination. i realized i was 1. overwhelmed at the huge task of finishing and 2. i felt that it had to be done perfectly. no wonder i was paralyzed. the suggestions for overcoming those hurdles make sense and i'm working on them now. and it's helping bring back structure to my work day. working from home can be a struggle, at least for me, because i'm given too much freedom and it's almost like i don't know where to start and end. by setting a strict window of time for work, it leaves me tons of time to fill with leisure WITHOUT the nagging guilt of work needing to be done. whew!

in addition to being overwhelmed, i was scared. scared that i wasn't good enough. scared that i would have to settle for a job i didn't like. scared that i would get in over my head at a job that was too hard. scared that the perfect employment fit wasn't out there for me. then i found this article. what i got from it is that EVERYONE gets scared. from astronauts, to presidents, to moms, to heidi klum. but what seperates the men from the mice is their ability to feel the fear, but do what they need to do anyway. or as john wayne says, "courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway". so that taught me, i'm not weak because i'm not scared. people that i look up to, that have achieved so much have felt just as scared as me.

so, how to push through fear? by recognizing 2 things: that fear is your reaction, not a property of the object of your anxiety (for example, i can dance in public and some people are terrified of that) and that courage is a mental skill, not an emotional one. if courage is a skill, then i can learn it. courage is a matter of conditioning, just like running. the more i face my fears, the better i will get at being courageous. and the more i will be conditioned to facing that which scares me. the article says "fear is not your enemy. it is a compass pointing you to the areas where you need to grow. when you encounter a new fear, celebrate it as an opporunity for growth" WOW. so the direction of my life lies in my fears. wow. pretty deep for someone wondering what the hell to do with her life.

and as for my lack of motivation? i found this article. and not surprisingly, all roads led to fear. to quote the article, "you're letting fears, excuses, and limiting beliefs hold you back. your subconscious mind knows you're settling, so it won't provide any motivational fuel until you step up, face your fears, and drop the excuses...ironically, the real key to motivation is to set goals that scare you." what?! wow! and it made sense. my fear was making me settle for things that felt safe and easy to want and get. i was denying myself from dreaming what i really wanted. and since i was setting my sights so low, of course i was unmotivated. who the hell is motivated to work at an ok job? for ok money? with ok people? turns out mediocrity really doesn't suit me.

another line from the fear article was this, "it's ok if you don't think it's possible for you. it's ok if you don't see how you could ever have it. but don't deny that you want it." aha! why spend a lifetime trying to talk myself out of the very things i really really want? that sounds totally illogical!

so my aha moment has arrived. the only way to motivate myself is to dare to dream what it is i really want, that i've been too afraid to admit to myself for fear of failure. the only way to conquer fear is to attack it a little bit everyday. so that i get good at it. stronger at it. if this doesn't sound like marathon training, i don't know what does.

so i feel renewed. and fortified. and i feel like i have actual tools to get me through the next step.

is this normal?

i've started this post several different ways, not really knowing how to begin. it's been 2 months since i've been home and i don't have a job. in fact, i haven't yet even applied to anything. i've written my resume (that i haven't touched in 6 years!), a cover letter, photographed most of my portfolio, attended a networking event, and wrote a follow up email to a creative director i spoke with. one more big push and i'll have all my pieces photographed and my self-promo package designed. i've talked to my current boss about extending my freelancing contract, but it's still up in the air. it doesn't sound like she's having much luck finding my replacement, and well, i haven't yet found a job to replace my old one.

at the beginning of the month not having a job and not having all my shit together to find one kept me up at night and made me feel like i was the most incompetent person on earth. i've since stopped beating myself up over it, realizing i am indeed NOT a loser and instead am in the best place in my life, on the brink of everything new and exciting.

but yet, i still can't manage to really light a fire under my ass. you know the one that just consumes you, pushes you. the one that won't let you sleep because you just can't stop working. you would think that the idea of possibly being unemployed in a month would motivate someone. you would think that would make someone work their ass off until they secured employment. but not me, and i don't understand why.

am i lazy? scared? unambitious?

i'm so used to holding down 2 jobs, meeting with friends, training for something...and now i'm suddenly given all the time in the world and i've lost all my sense of urgency. and what am i doing with my time? working, yes. but for the most part, i work around time with my family, running, tv programs. my life is the exact opposite of stress. maybe i just need to revel in that? enjoy that? because i will reenter the rat race at some point and stress will resume.

i'm only worried because i've never, ever, ever felt this non-chalant about the direction of my life. usually i'm planning ahead, budgeting, figuring, trying to be proactive. i have a little voice in the back of my head that says i should be more worried, more driven. but for the most part i shrug it off and figure my aha moment will come when it's time.

is this normal?

p.i.a.

i should be thankful.

thankful that i live on a hill. so that no matter what route i take from my house, i will have to face a hill. good for my legs, my butt, my lungs. yeah, yeah, whatever. the hill back up to my house plagued me the entire 5 miles today. i couldn't stop thinking about the hill i'd have to surmount during my last mile. which of course makes for a yucky run. but i got through it, even though i had to stop to stretch my tight left calf about 3 times.

i even surprised myself by getting back in just under an hour, which beats my time last week by a full 5 minutes. which in my opinion is a great pace for someone who's not used to keeping pace without a treadmill.

so i guess i can say i broke even on this run. it wasn't fun or easy, but sometimes a good run is a run that's just done.

sunday

on sunday, i hit the roads...just 'cause. 'cause it was sunny and clear and i'd spent nearly the entire weekend indoors working. so i thought i'd treat myself to a short run.

'cept that it was colder than i'd expected and i felt like a 'tard in my shorts and tee, while everyone else that was out was in pants and jackets. my legs, arms, and hands actually turned red from the cold. and when i could manage to get my legs to move at a decent speed, i realized i hadn't let enough time pass for my lunch to digest. it felt like i was on the verge of a huge burp the entire time. (i've felt this every time i don't run in the morning)

i managed to eke out 2 miles, but it wasn't until i was nearly back home that i felt my legs warming up. too bad the rest of me begged to get back indoors. so my treat wasn't so pleasurable. but it feels good to be back in the running groove again, where on my off days i'm just itching to run.

welcome back legs, i've missed you

6 miles and none of it craptastic! just smooth, fun sailing. with enough energy to spare for negative splits. which i could report if my stopwatch hadn't crapped out mid way through. i know i had negative splits because i upped the speed every half mile or so. all i know for sure is i finished in 75 minutes and felt like i could easily give more.

i can't think of a better way to start off my weekend than a fantastic long run. except for a celebratory beer :)

a thin line between fat and hate

tyra banks of supermodel fame, has said that she's gained 30 pounds since her modelling heyday, putting her 5'10" frame at 160 pounds. while she feels comfortable at this weight, now that she's in "retirement", she says she is hurt by headlines from recent photos of her on the beach: America's Next Top Waddle and Tyra Porkchop. she says "I get so much mail from young girls who say, 'I look up to you, you're not as skinny as everyone else, I think you're beautiful,' " she says. "So when they say that my body is 'ugly' and 'disgusting,' what does that make those girls feel like?"

honestly i don't really like tyra banks and i'm not usually one to defend supermodels, but i do find it alarming that the word fat carries the same level of hate as the n word or the f word (you know which one i mean in this case). except that it is socially acceptable to call someone fat. words like fat and thin are supposed to be just adjectives. like tall and short or even red and blue. but the word fat now connotes so much more. it's an ugly jab people use to demoralize another person. and most people think that's ok.

the fact that the word fat carries so much hate and weight in our society disturbs me more than the statistics about obesity. you can have your opinions on how much responsibility people have over how obese and unhealthy they get, but that doesn't give anyone the right to call other people mean and hateful names.

my first intervals

i've shied away from these workouts because 1. they're hard and 2. i was convinced i could never do them. but i was wrong only about that second part. because they are hard. but doable. here's the breakdown:

800m warmup: 6:51

400m RUN: 2.25 (6.2 mph)
200m WALK: 1:37

400m RUN: 2.35 (6.2 mph)
200m WALK: 1:48

400m RUN: 2.25 (6.2 mph)
200m WALK: 1:51

400m RUN: 2.26 (6.2 mph)
200m WALK: 1:44

400m RUN: 2.25 (6.2 mph)
200m WALK: 1:37

400m RUN: 2.19 (6.5 mph)
200m WALK: 1:53

400m RUN: 2.20 (6.5 mph)
200m WALK: 1:55

400m RUN: 2.26 (6.2 mph)
200m WALK: 1:46

800m COOLDOWN: 6:18

TOTAL MILES: 3.625
TOTAL TIME: 42:48

the hardest part was converting meters into miles and writing out the splits breakdown on a notecard so i could follow along on the treadmill. and the time passes rather quickly, even if i did only run a little oer 3.5 miles. my half training plan has me scheduled for alternating tempo and interval runs. i might just be a speed racer after all.

i heart bacon

i know i'm going to jinx it, but i'm happy to say i've lost 3 pounds. in 3 weeks. which is MUCH better than the gaining 3 pounds in 3 weeks stint i was on in december. and with 13 weeks until my half, i'm hoping i follow the same slow weight loss of a pound a week. especially with my increasing mileage...i'll be able to eat the same and lo and behold, my pants fall off!! and who wouldn't love that?

because here's the thing. i love food. i love bacon, and potato chips. and chocolate cake. and cotton candy. and fried chicken. and beer. and cheese. and i don't think i have to give up any of it for any amount of time. i don't have to eat as much of it or as often, but to live a life NOT being able to eat the great splendors of the buffet table sounds pretty sad to me. as long as i can run strong and my pants size is smaller than my shoe size, i think i'll be ok not looking like jessica biel.

running the numbers

a few weeks ago, i ran across a training program for a half marathon that looked totally frickin' awsome. 'twas for the santa cruz half and the training program was being sponsored by the fleet feet in sf. totally stoaked, i penned in the dates for their information sessions and first workout on my calendar. and when i saw they sponsored bar nights, they had me hooked!

until i ran the numbers...

i live about 50 miles from sf. and it costs $8 in tolls roundtrip. over an 11 week program, the costs add up. if i ran with them twice a week, gas and tolls alone would cost $395 over the course of my training. 3 times a week and that cost jumps to $549. add the $100 program fee and it seems like a steep price to pay just to run a half marathon. especially since i ran my first practically on my own.

so i re-checked out my local fleet feet, in the next town over. they have FREE runs on wednesday nights for ladies, a thursday intervals run, and a saturday easy run of 3-5 miles. and the distance to and from the store is only 17 miles with NO tolls. and that means only $82 to $100 in gas.

so it seems to be a no brainer. sure i may have to run my long runs on my own, unless i find someone in the course of my training that wants to do them with me. and i won't have a "special" training program. but it sure as hell beats paying up to $600!

the next question: do i finally JOIN the gym i've been "trying out" for the past month?

the run where i didn't throw up

a.k.a the run where i proved to myself i have what it takes.

today i came prepared. water. fully charged ipod. clothes that fit me. all i lacked was a positive mental attitude. even on the drive to the gym i began blogging in my head about what a craptastic 5 miles this run would be.

turns out it was only a craptastic 2.5 miles. the last 2.5 miles were like a dream. the kind of dream where you're a size 4 and your hair falls in perfect cascades as you trot along the beach on the french riveria with your beckham-like boytoy. it was seriously THAT good.

i struggled through the first half of my run, inching along at a speed between 4.2 and 4.3 mph. it was excruciating because i just didn't feel like doing it. i wasn't tired. i wasn't sore. i wasn't winded. i just didn't want to do it. but i made myself, pulling out an assortment of tricks to keep my mind occupied until i knew at some point i would reach my sweet spot.

and about halfway through, i hit it. running nirvana. i just felt lighter. i felt like my body had taken over and the nagging thoughts that plagued me dissappeared in my sweat. at that point the gym was starting to get crowded and there were a series of "hoverers". i knew i wouldn't hit 5 miles in time at my current speed, so i actually had the confidence to crank it up a notch. and then another. and another. by the end, i knew i had to sprint the last quarter mile. and in my sweaty haze, my fingers were somehow able to crank the machine up to something ridiculous like 7.5 mph. even more amazing, my legs managed to run it. even if only for the last quarter mile.

the last couple days have been wrought with a lot of uncertainty, mainly about my job situation. which escalates into anxiety about paying my bills, my life becoming a huge mess, turning into a washout, being a big dissapointment. i know these worries are ridiculous, but that doesn't mean that at times part of my brain doesn't go there.

but today's run taught me that i have what it takes. to overcome the mental battle of "i can't". that gritting through what feels uncomfortable and uncertain now can reap me huge rewards later. and that sometimes you just have to kick your own ass.

when things go awry

i should have known that when i couldn't find my keys this morning, it was a sign that i should just stay home.

after searching in every room 5 times, i took off to the gym in my dad's car hoping the run might clear my head to help me look for my keys when i got back. but once i got to the gym i realized i had forgotten my water. doh! ok whatever, spent a dollar, got another water.

undeterred i hopped on the treadmill and started off nice and slow. once i started getting into it, my shorts started slipping. either the elastic had stretched or i had gotten infinitesimally smaller. either way it was annoying. i had to keep pulling them up like every 15 seconds. then i tried to feel comfortable with them riding dangerously low on my hips. but i kept worrying that my crack was in full view. and we all know crack is whack.

and then finally, to end it all, my ipod crapped out...dead battery.

*sigh* some runs aren't meant to be.

we'll try this again tomorrow. after laying out everything i need the night before. and getting a better night's rest.

meh

never call banks or credit card companies first thing in the morning. it's never the best way to start your day. and i thought an afternoon run would help my mood, but it seems i was only weighed down by my thoughts. but it's nothing a HUGE piece of chocolate cake, a couple white russians, UGLY BETTY, and a nice warm bath can't fix.
splits:
mile 1: 11:55
mile 2: 12:36
.75 mile: 10:38

the speed in me

i don't know what possessed me to run outside today, but i did. and am glad i did! i mapped out a mile long route from my house on gmaps to do an out and back run. and while it was the least hilly of all my options, it was still damned hilly.

but the surprise came when my ipod stopwatch revealed i run faster OFF the treadmill. jigga what?!

splits:
mile 1: 11:13
mile 2: 10:24
total: 21:37

pretty good for me. and pretty good for a runner who uses the treadmill as a security blanket. i can only account for the second mile being faster because 1. i was warmed up by then. 2. it is less hilly coming back. 3. i knew i was almost finished so i could push myself without fear of not finishing.

so now i have to say, i'm quite intrigued by this running outside and keeping track of your time thing...running might just teach me to be a numbers person after all.

it's all in the accessories

there's a line in one of my favorite movies that goes: just in case i wasn't a enough of a freak already, let's add a tiara! that's kind of how i felt today. when i donned a sweatband. you know the elastic terrycloth doodads that old men and olivia newton john wear to the gym? my brother had been raving that it really helps keep the sweat out of his eyes. and i'm always looking for solutions to sweat. so i put my pride aside, bought one and strapped it on. i was already wearing a flourescent yellow singlet, so my dorktitude was pretty high anyway.

and i must say, during my 4 mile "long run" that sweatband really did the trick. better than my visor does when i run outside. i may have to invest in a few more of these elastic absorbant wonders. and hope the cute lil running skirts somehow counter balance their dorkiness.

weekend update

3 whole days and not a lick of running. instead:

1. justin timberlake concert. i was instantly turned into a starstruck teenager again. something about the way he dances makes you wonder how he moves when he's NOT on stage. sweet jesus. i'm a sucker for guys who sing and play the piano.

2. shopping. did you know that victoria's secret sells workout clothes?! and this weekend all their clearance was half off! i don't normally shop there because i think their prices are disgusting, but with the sale i was able to buy 13 pairs of undies and a workout skirt and shorts for less than $85 bucks!

3. eating. during the week i was really good about eating well and managed to lose 1.5 pounds. but that was all shot to hell when i got together with my brothers this weekend. there is nothing healthy on the hooters menu. hard to believe i know.

4. drinking and gambling. the nearby race track was having dollar beer night on saturday. and dollar hot dogs. but luckily we had gotten our fill at hooters that we didn't have the hot dog eating contest we had planned. it was my first live horseracing event and it was preety exhilirating. granted we never had more than $5 on any race at a time, and we pooled our money, but still winning 20 cents on the fourth race was the most exciting 20 cents i've ever won.

5. sleeping. too many beers later we all crashed. and spent most of sunday on the couch watching a marathon of ninja warrior competitions.

6. recuperating. i finally got myself a humidifier, and the rest i had on sunday finally kicked whatever ailment i had last week. i'm gonna try to do my 4 miles from this weekend today, and squeeze in the 2 miles i am planned to do today into my other runs or later this week. which shouldn't be too hard.

all of this is probably not how i would have spent the weekend it if i was still on my own on the east coast. but this was the first weekend where i finally felt like i was home. it no longer feels like i'm visiting and i'm not comparing here to there anymore. it feels really really good to have my family be a part of my everyday life again. and that beats all the glamour and sophistication of single urban living any day.

musings from the treadmill

you know how people say running gets them in their happy place? that place of zen and peace and tranquility? where they can escape and clear their head? some people say they get their best ideas on runs and go off to write hit songs, cure diseases, or invent that little gadget that cooks bacon in the microwave so it's all crispy? yeah well, not so much for me. THIS is what goes through my head while i'm on the treadmill:

whoo...okay start off slow...it's called a warmup...ok ok enough with the warmup let's just get to it already, let's crank it up...ok...ok...ok not that much...or THAT much either...ok snail's pace it is...doodoodoo...ew why did i put this song on my playlist...ok much better...doodoodoo...oooh he's kinda cute...but what's with the skull cap, we're inside lame-o...he's got nice arms though...ok now turn around so i can see you from the back...turn turn...there...oooh impressive...hmmm my legs feel like lead...god can i REALLY keep this up for 3 miles?...god damned cookies...i knew i shouldn't have eaten those 3 cookies last night...ok 4 cookies...ok 5 cookies! damn!...or that salami...mmmmmm salami...so we're having spaghetti for lunch today...with meatballs...i wonder how many meatballs i'll eat today...whew, ok first mile done...feeling better...lead feeling gone...ew WHAT IS UP WITH THE PEOPLE WEARING THE VELOUR TRACKSUITS TO THE GYM!?!...aren't you hot people?! they don't make those for people to work out in. they're just for show. just for lounging...you're not fooling anyone. just because it LOOKS sporty doesn't mean it's actually FOR sports...dumbasses...oooh but SHE'S got some killer legs though...damn why can't my legs look like that?..."i be up in the gym just workin' on my fitness, he's my witness..."...ooh gotta remember to keep my abs tight...tight abs, tight abs...should i really run outside on saturday?...20ish degree weather?...does michael really want to drive to tahoe on saturday?...i don't know if i'm up for cold weather this weekend...god when is summer gonna get here already?...i wonder if there will be any cute boys in my training group...woo hoo 2 miles only one more to go...funny how running makes it EASIER for me to breathe...doodoodoo...doodoodoo...i wonder what i'm gonna wear to the concert tomorrow...hmmm no not that, it's too cold...no not that...or that...or...hey! what the...omg will you two shut the eff up?! seriously? you're doing that here? right now? you've GOT to be kidding me...dumb ass bitc....

this was when the girl to my left and the girl to my right started chatting it up with each other, really loudly, talking over (or through me) i guess. so loud that i could hear them over my ipod that i had on full blast. it's like hearing your favorite song then someone playing static behind it. and i already had enough going on in my head that i didn't need to hear their chatter too.

so in the 8 minutes i had left, i adjusted my position on the treadmill to obstruct the view they had of each other and when they would adjust theirs, i would adjust mine. fun little game we had going, until the girl on my left got the hint, jumped off her treadmill and hovered behind mine to wait til i was done to commence the gabfest.

so yeah no heights of enlightenment today, but i'm at least not feeling as sickly and got my second of three running workouts in...as for saturday we'll see if i brave temps cold enough to wear pants and a beanie or whether i'll head inside and brave gabby gym gals again.

bubble girl

i don't know what it is, but i seem to have become a petri dish for any and all germs lately. as i walked to my car saturday night after a party, i shivered and just KNEW. fu*k i'm gonna be sick. and sure enough on sunday i felt like poo. and sometime last month when i went out to get the mail i took in a sharp breath of air and couldn't stop hacking for a week. before that it was strep throat and before that it was a sinus infection. this amount of sick is more sick than i usually am in a year.

today it's not one of those oh man i better stay in bed all day kinda sicks. it's like the hangnail of being sick...i'm constantly clearing my throat because of a weird nagging tickle that sometimes becomes a cough. that and i just feel weak. which is made worse from the weights class i took last night. i still feel good enough to think that running 3 miles today won't kill me, but the thought of being at the gym with other sweaty bodies with god knows WHAT germs has me running for the covers. and airborne.

so i'm trading tomorrow's rest day with today and hoping that being a bubble girl will get me well enough to run my 2 other workouts this week and make it to the justin timberlake concert this friday! ya think making a sign that says, "JT, i'm single too" is crazy?

this is what i look like running

except i'm sweaty and my hair is either plastered to my face or sticking out in random places. oh and that small matter about my thighs rubbing together. oh and i usually have some sort of dorky waist belt to hold water and/or keys and/or id and/or my cell phone. i guess when you're kate hudson you don't have to bother carrying any of that because people know who you are and know to contact goldie hawn. and i don't usually run in my bikini with my nano tucked into the bra because seriously, HOW IS THAT EVEN COMFORTABLE?

regardless, ms. hudson looks DAMN good. and i'm thankful i don't have paparazzi taking pictures of me while i workout. if there were, those pictures would end up in the STAR magazine under the title: stars with cellulite. am i the only one who LOVES reading those issues?

taking out the trash

i cheated today. but in a good way. i ran more than my training plan had scheduled. which i know could also be bad what with overtraining or whatever. but i felt good. and i felt strong. and i didn't go over my 2 mile plan by THAT much. plus i seriously can't fathom getting dressed, driving to the gym, stretching, and taking a shower for just 2 miles of running. so i extended my easy run to 3.75 miles and a full 48 minutes. twas the best 48 minutes of my day. sometimes running can be such an escape that i don't want to stop. but when i do, it at least gives me the boost i need.

i felt so good after my run that i didn't wince too much when i got on the scale and saw that i had gained yet ANOTHER pound. i've weighed myself every time i've gone to the gym this week and each time i've been one pound heavier than the last time. the gravity must be heavier in california than it is on the east coast. it can't have anything to do with all the home cooked food i've been devouring. i know my mom and all my aunts mean well when they cook all my favorite foods in one meal, but i've seriously GOT to stop eating like it's my last meal.

and to that end, today my mom and i did something unthinkable. we trashed all the goodies in the house. all the chocolates, candies, cookies, and other delectable treats that had been accumulating from friends and neighbors. there was just NO possible way the three of us, one of whom is diabetic, was gonna finish it all. i know there are starving kids in melawi, but the trashbag of sweets we pitched wouldn't have been good for them either. half the stuff was food i wouldn't have picked out anyway.

i'm not expecting a miracle when it comes to my weight. i know it will drop eventually once i start racking up the weekly miles. i'm just glad i saved a couple pairs of fat pants when i moved.

psyching myself up

i'm a big fan of resolutions. i'm most reflective about this around my birthday which is in the middle of august, so it's nice to get another surge of inspiration come january.

this year though, i feel a lot of pressure. the upside to having a fresh start is having hope and endless possibilities. the downside is that i feel like i have to be "better" at "it" this time around. whatever that means. i've been avoiding writing down my resolutions because i'm trying to fool myself into believing that not having goals is better than having goals and possibly not achieving them. which is totally dumb dumb logic i know. but who said fear is logical?

the one area of my life where my goals are pretty clear to me is my running. so maybe if i start "officially" posting those goals, i'll gather the courage to just dive in head first instead of pussy-footing around the shallow end of the pool. so...this year i want to:

1. run my first marathon! (i have my sights set on the nike women's marathon. 1. for the jewelry and 2. it's local)
2. run at least 2 half marathons (i have my sights set on the santa cruz half in april and the runsf half in july)
3. run at least 3 days a week, every week

that's it. pretty simple. i'm sure once i get back into the groove or running regularly, i'll feel more comfortable challenging myself even more.

so, other non-running related goals. this year, i also want to:

1. learn to sew. (this petite chick wants to learn to hem her own pants! and make curtains! and cute dresses!)
2. pay off one of my credit cards.
3. find steady employment, whether it be with my old company i'm freelancing for now or a new job here.
4. live up to (or down to, i guess) the weight documented on my driver's license.

again, pretty simple. once the employment thing works out, i think i'll feel more confident about making more plans and goals.

on the whole, i really am excited about what this year has in store for me. and considering the amount of change that has happened in my life in the past 6 months, i think it's only normal for me to want to take this next phase slow, even if i really am teeming with excitement on the inside.

it's funny, because now after i've written all this, i've really psyched myself up. maybe 2007 won't be so scary after all.

face to face

i just stood there. stricken with fear, unable to move. i thought i had already faced this demon. i thought i had conquered it. but here i was paralyzed with terror. again. thoughts raced through my brain but all i could really think was, how could this be? HOW?!

how could there possibly be bathing suits out in the stores in JANUARY!?! ugh!

60 minutes

an hour is plenty of time for a good kickboxing workout. but an hour is definitely NOT enough time for dinner to digest before said kickboxing class. oof! there were definitely some times between kicking combos that i thought for sure i would spew. luckily i was able to keep it all down and get through the class. now that i've had some time to sit, my belly still feels like icky. i should probably follow my pre-run eating habits when it comes to kickboxing and save the bulk of my meal for AFTER exercise. unless i want to be known as barfy mc barfeson at the gym. and there are too many cute guys at my new gym to risk that.

starting on the right foot

i found it!!!

a half marathon, 4 months away. enough time for me to get my runner's legs back and train to beat my pathetic sinus infection inflicted half marathon time in september. not only that, but the race is in santa cruz along the pacific coastline. whoa baby!

not only that, i found a training group in sf that actually sounds like fun! any group that incorporates bar nights, shopping nights, prizes and after parties is MY kind of group.

now this is a great way to start the year!

day 3

i wasn't too sore when i started my run. and i was kinda bored running at the 14 minute mile my schedule had planned, so i kicked it up a little every quarter mile or so and finished my 2 miles in 26 minutes. my upper body hurt more than anything...stupid pushups.

but now an hour and a half later, the soreness has settled into my bottom half. and the only time i don't feel any discomfort is when i sit in the recliner. so i guess that's just what i'll have to do all day :)

------
i just finished watching matchpoint. that movie is seriously some effed up shit.

*grumble*grumble*

stupid total body conditioning.

stupid pushups. stupid crunches. stupid lunges. stupid squats. stupid hurty triceps. and biceps. and shoulders. stupid muscles i forgot i had. stupid scale saying i weigh 2 pounds more than i did yesterday.

stupid instructor and her stupid long legs. stupid hour long torture turning my body into jelly.

i get to do this again on tuesday, right? cool.

coming out of hibernation

i've run all of 4 times in the month of december. which is about the number of times i got off my duff to run in november. and probably october. it's been a stellar quarter indeed.

but last night i officially mapped out a 6 week training program for a 10k on 2/10. and today i finally joined a gym. yup, yup, my friends, i'm comin' outta hibernation.

i almost laughed when i saw that i had two 14 minute miles scheduled, but it was a relief. with my "long run" at only 3 miles, the transition back to the world of running should be pretty smooth and i can build my base again no problem.

so 2 miles today in 28 minutes. it's amazing that at one point i could run 13 no problem, and i'm back at a point where i'm looking at the clock praying and wishing the miles could somehow tick off faster without my heart pounding out of my chest. it didn't feel THAT hard, but it didn't feel THAT fun either. but it will. soon.

pandora's box of mp3s

my friend's husband turned me onto an awesome music site: pandora internet radio

you type in either a song or an artist you like and it searches through a directory of music and finds songs that are similar in taste. it hones its selections even more based on whether you give a song and thumbs up or down. it tells you why it chose a certain song, gives you artist and album info and includes a link to iTunes and amazon. you can save up to 100 channels so you can create stations of a variety of genres, moods, etc.

it's a great way to get exposure to a lot more music than you do if you just listen to your ipod or the radio all day. and for someone like me who gets bored of her running playlists within like 3 workouts, i see this website being a great help in broadening my horizons!

it's free, if you don't mind ads, which to be honest aren't really annoying on this site. but you can buy a subscription if that kind of thing bugs you.

@%#&!!!!!

watch deal or no deal while on the treadmill and i guarantee you'll sweat just a little more than usual. that and bite off half your fingernails. and no it's not because i think howie mandel is hot. **shudder** holy mary mother of bob, there isn't an hour of television that i don't scream at the television more. and it's an hour long, so it guarantees you're sweating for a full hour. luckily i was at home and could curse freely and loudly without anyone thinking i have torrets.

no running...

just knitting...my fingers have been feverishly trying to get every hat and scarf done before our family party on saturday. tonight i finished a hat and a scarf while watching 40 year old virgin and the sound of music. and i've been put in charge of present wrapping because i love it so darned much. so my hands have been pretty busy.

but i guess it keeps me out of trouble. :)

and now, a gratuitious nephew picture: from this weekend:

where have all the runners gone?

my hometown is officially the worst running town ever. i just spent the last hour and a half driving around to various parks and "trails" only to be sorely dissapointed by their conditions or their level of safety. even my old high school track ended up being a bust as there was some game going on rendering the track occupied. i even drove a ways to the community college track only to find it so deserted on a saturday i felt too afraid to be out there myself.

i guess i was just spoiled. living in dc afforded me plenty of trail options within walking distance from my house, office, and metro. tomorrow i'm driving up to sacramento where there seems to be more of a gold mine of running hot spots. at some point today i'm making it to the running store in the next town over from me. i'm sure they MUST have the inside scoop. sometimes word of mouht is a much better resource than the internet, which shows no local running groups in a 10 mile radius of my town.

but i'm determined to find something. i'm not content to just run on the treadmill at home or the gym or on the streets of my neighborhood. i will find a trail, a running space to call home.
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UPDATE!
the local fleet feet ended up being a great resource! got flyers for their half marathon training program and a 10K in february. they also pointed me in the direction of a park with lots of trails. i checked it out on the way home and it looks promising. they also have groups that run every night of the week, though there are only 2 that are geared for me. but i think i might have to check them out at some point. though it's always intimidating because everyone that worked at the store was like 1% body fat.

i know i sound really angsty lately but i'm in a HUGE adjustment period and i always find change painful. even when it is welcome.

what i miss

"This trip should be even better than the last one as this time I’m bringing comfortable shoes and my best friend." this was the last line in dooce's post yesterday about her upcoming trip to NYC.

i can't tell you how much this line made me ache. ache for the love and companionship that only your lover can give. the love that is different from friendship and family. the kind of love that i believe only a few successful couples on this earth have. the kind of couples you want to hate but can't because you're too in awe of the love they're blessed with.

as a single woman you are faced with two very conflicting beliefs: 1. that you'll be ok if you're single forever and 2. that the love of your life is out there. everyone knows half of all marriages end in divorce. and we all know the couples who stay married but probably shouldn't, or are so abysmally unhappy and/or dysfunctional it makes you glad you're single. the statistics are very much stacked against happy, healthy coupledom. but even knowing all this, you still have to hope, you can't help but hope. i don't know one single woman of ANY age, no matter what her resume, stock portfolio, or passport says, who doesn't have that hope. it's that bittersweetness of empowered singlehood.

i have no doubt in my mind that my singlehood is very much what i need right now. but i'd be lying if i said part of me didn't want santa to bring me the love of my life for christmas. yes i'm ok by myself but part of the reason i moved home was because i missed the value my family added to my life. so it stands to reason that the value of "your ultimate best friend" is something really worth wanting.

it's almost like if i hadn't loved my ex boyfriend as much as i did, i wouldn't have that to miss now. but i did. and i do. and not so much him, but the IDEA of that love. i miss believing in that love and the idea that it was real. it's much harder to believe in that kind of love with a faceless, nameless person you hope exists and who you hope you run into at the grocery store or something.

not to say my life can't and won't be full without a partner. but knowing what that kind of love feels like, tastes like, and smells like, i know deep down that life isn't the same without it.

utterly random and totally unrelated

1. my nephew waited until after his mom came home to poop a nice, big, messy, wet one, thereby saving me from cleaning up doo doo stew. i knew i loved that kid for a reason.

2. i took my dad out to lunch for his birthday today and he asked me what kind of guy i was looking to marry. when i asked for his recommendation he said, "well, you know, you're kinda...easily excitable...kinda jumpy, so you need someone understanding. you need someone mellow." of all my fabulous characteristics, that's what my dad brings up. i just had to laugh. but he does have a point.

3. at around 8:30 i decided i was finally hungry for dinner, so i crept downstairs to find something to eat. i flipped the switch in the kitchen and before the light even came on, my mom magically appeared from the other room. "you hungry now? you want some shrimp? some steak? a burger? it's really easy, i can make it quick for you." seriously, easier than rubbing a magic lamp and having a genie appear. all i really was expecting to eat was some cereal, salami, and an avocado. which would have been WAY more food than i kept in my fridge when i lived alone. but i could not pursuade my mom that what i had in mind for dinner was nutritious enough and she insisted on making me a burger. so ya know, i let her :) but i washed all the dishes.

4. i was having major angst bc the station i used to listen to in DC no longer comes in over the internet for some dumb reason. but i found the BEST radio station ever: "MOVIN' 99.7 FM" in SF. it's FREAKING awesome, playing everything i could ever want in my itunes collection. top 40 hits from the 80s, 90s, 00s, and today. they play every top 40 hit from my whole life! songs i listened to on TAPE in my walkman! songs i used to record off the radio then make into mix tapes for my friends! i've been listening to it for the past 3 hours and NOT A SINGLE SONG has repeated.

the only problem is i fear my generation may be just a decade away from "the oldies". i mean my friends and i always joked that we'd be "old" one day and "baby got back" would come on the oldies station and we would get up off our rockers and start shaking our asses totally embarrassing our kids. but that day may be closer than i thought.

the station says they play music that "makes you feel good". for pete's sake they're called movin' 99.7. how dorky IS that? they say they play music "from today and back in the day, when you were in school." so yeah, i'm officially getting old.

unconventional crosstraining

i'm babysitting my 15 month old nephew who for the past few days has suffered explosive diarrhea. so far no poops yet and i'm praying that he's on the mend today so i don't have to suffer from it as well. i hear it can be QUITE a spectacle.

the lil monkey is down for a nap only because we danced the entire morning to the backyardigans. swirling and tossing a 20 pound bebe can work up quite a sweat...i might just snuggle up next to him and get a nap in myself. who knows WHAT the afternoon will hold!

making friends with the ghetto treadmill

40 minutes on the ghetto treadmill. i can't figure out if 4.5 mph feels hard because i'm out of shape again or if the ghetto treadmill is calibrated wrong. or perhaps a combo of the 2. i'm trying not to be hard on myself because it's been well over a month since i've run with any regularity. probably closer to 2 and a half months. egad! but if that's the truth, it's a miracle i can even run at all for any length of time.

true to my non-mathematical precise training, i'm starting off just keeping track of time. keeping track of miles is pathetic at my pace and really only disheartens me. i'm hoping santa will bring me a nike+. that way i can be a little more precise without having to wear a watch. i don't even wear a watch when i'm not running, i don't know how you people do it while sweating. and don't get me started on how uncomfortable those heart rate monitors look. but i guess that's what separates me from the big boys. honestly, that is fine by me. just don't take away my vaseline.

you mean you can run outside in this weather?!

with the temps at 44 degrees, winds at 10 mph, and partly cloudy conditions, runner's world suggested i wear shorts, a long sleeve tech shirt, a vest, gloves, and a hat. which ended up being the perfect get-up to keep me at JUST the right temperature throughout my first outdoor winter run. some highlights:

1. it always takes me awhile to get used to not being on the treadmill. not having something to constantly remind me how fast i'm running, how many calories i've burned and how much time i have left, leaves me wondering whether i'm running too slow, or too fast, or feeling like i've only been running for 5 minutes how can i feel so tired already!!?

2. running hills sucks when you don't know how fast, how far, or how long you've been running.

3. just as i was running the steepest hill, i swear to bob the wind picked up and sure enough it was AGAINST me.

4. i thought for sure i was only out for like 30 minutes, when in fact, i was running for an hour!

5. i did feel tired and defeated because it really didn't FEEL like that long and i had thought for sure i had lost my touch. plus i started to get some faint pain in my right leg in the hip and definitely in the ankle area. it was that growing pain in that area that finally led me back towards the house. i can't determine whether it's from running on the roads or not running in my new-ish orthotics enough. only time will tell.

6. i really have missed the scenery...the hills and mountains EVERYWHERE, the stucco spanish style homes, palm trees.

7. what i didn't drip in sweat, i dripped in snot. barf-ola. my new running gloves not only made a handy hanky, but had a little pocket in the palms for keys!

the concept of time

i am still on eastern time. since nothing here has acclamated me to pacific time, aka a 9-5 job, i'm still on the eastern clock, getting up at 6 here, 9 there to check in with the office. my computer is still set to eastern time, and i'm much more conscious of the c.o.b. hours on the east than i am here. added to the fact that my parents work non-normal hours, my mind and body are utterly confused. it's no wonder i don't even know what the date is much less the day of the week.

it's odd how routine and schedule can be such comforts. i always thought that having a treadmill at home meant i would just run all day long. but alas, i too even miss driving to the the gym at a routine hour to get my routine workout in. once my car gets here (i shipped it) and my out of state check clears in my new bank account, i'll feel more like myself. but this inbetween? blech.

though on a high note, i had in-n-out burger today. oh you luscious burgers how i've missed you!

being home: the short version

if you want to read my lengthy post about coming home, grab a bag of chips and a diet coke and read my previous post. if you want the short version, you've come to the right place:

1. my family is as crazy and rambunctious as ever. and even larger!
2. the cousins who have graduated and have real jobs have no problem paying for drinks and concert tickets for the likes of the pseduo unemployed like me.
3. 30 degrees no longer feels deathly cold to me anymore.
4. it's easier to unpack 30 boxes than it is to pack them.
5. my parents have the most ghetto treadmill ever! you can't input specific inclines or speeds. you have to turn the dial from "fat burn mode" to "aerobic" to "performance" slowly increasing the speed. my training is about as imprecise (numberwise) as a person can get, but i don't think i'm going to resort to using a treadmill with a dial instead of digital output. the info on the display toggles between speed, distance, time, calories burned meaning you can't view all the information all at once!! hopefully my brother's girlfriend can get me a good deal at the 24 hour fitness. i've heard even arnold has worked out there before! how long before a real live honest to goodness arnold sighting?!?!

10 years in training

last night on nip/tuck, sean saidsomething to christian that got me thinking.

he said, "i've been your friend and your partner for so long, that i've forgotten who i am."

in a lot of ways, your identity can be somewhat relative. coming back to my family, ALL of my family, i realized again why i had left 10 years ago. to find myself. to find my identity besides what i was in this group of people.

i didn't really know at the time what "finding yourself" meant. i think i even scoffed at the idea. how can you not know where or who you are, i thought. but going away to college, being on my own for the first time, being 3,000 miles away, not any closer than an email, a call, or an 8 hour plane ride away, left me to be me, relative to the entire world. well, at least the entire campus.

first semester, i remember my neighbor from texas and i counted the days until we could go home for christmas break...starting at something ridiculous like 100. we had just gotten there yet couldn't wait to get back. and once i did get home, something strange happened. home wasn't home. or maybe i wasn't me. somehow time had changed the 2 things i always thought i could count on. i remember crying the first night home. what had happened?!

by the end of winter, i had broken things off with my hometown boyfriend and was forced to make college home. i realized there was no home to come back to and that i had to create it for myself with my friends. i remember that going home always meant boredom, meant missing my flourishing life back in dc. and when graduation came, it was only natural that my best friends and i would get an apartment together and i would find a job in dc.

the transition from school to work was actually a little easier than the inital break from california to dc. i can't even recall anything momentous, except for racking up credit card debt. even with getting a second job, hosting, waiting tables, and bartending. in a way the first couple years were a weird hybrid of the college/adult years, where we went to work for 8 hours, but still had the energy and the inclination to party.

but as the years passed, our nights out during the week dwindled, and slowly but surely, one by one, my friends starting coupling off. even the gay ones. in a way, i felt abandoned. even though i didn't blame my friends. there as no one to blame. but here i had left my family to make a new one, and now this one was slowly breaking up. now what?!

i wasn't quite ready to move back home yet, even though eventually i knew i would have to. whether it came to me having to take care of my parents or me deciding i wanted to have a family, i knew at either of those points, we would need each other. but at that point, those things weren't happening and i was staying in dc because i had a relationship of my own that i was working on.

this relationship lasted nearly 6 years. and like any relationship that lasts that long, it went through lots of ups and downs. in summation, i can safely say this: it should NEVER have happened. but it did. but now, 6 months after i ended things, i know why it did. i know why even though he had a live-in girlfriend at the time, why i gave into his pursuit. why i was weak to his charm. why i forgave the many, many times he disappointed me, lied to me, hurt me, betrayed me. why i tried so hard to make it work. why i could have hope when no one else did. why i lit up everytime he walked in a room. why i will still cherish our good times, even though now i know he is a con-artist, pathological liar, drunk and possible sex addict. i now know what liars say when they're trying to manipulate you. what it feels like when your intution tells you something's not right. what it feels like to ache for someone who you know is NOT good for you. what it feels like to have your spirit so beaten up you look in the mirror and don't know who you are anymore and how you got there.

at this point in my life, who i am is still in a lot of ways in direct relation to him. i used to look at my relationship with him as my greatest shame, but now i see it as my greatest triumph.
at my lowest point, my moment of greatest weakness, somehow i was able to dig deep and find the strength that was always there. through it all, i still had fight left and i clawed my way out. and even though on some days, or even weeks, i could barely see through my pain, i trudged on. one foot in front of the other.

in the past 6 months, i feel like i've aged 6 years. finally accepting the ugly ugly truth about someone i loved with all of my being and using all of my strengths and resources to find ways to heal takes a lot out of a person. even a strong woman. about 2 months ago, i decided it was finally, FINALLY time for me to go home.

part of me was just tired. emotionally and physically. and i needed the only support i knew only family could give. but at some point during my packing, what i had realized was that home was within me. my identity wasn't defined by my role in my family, or my friends, or my relationship. it wasn't defined by my age or my profession. the last 6 months have shown me that my core, my being, my sense of self, is strong enough to withstand outside forces. is stronger, more solid, more real than i ever gave myself credit for.

so i was ready for california and my family to feel and be different. i was ready to leave my friends of 10 years. because finally i knew no matter what or where, i would be okay. i would always have me.

at some point in the last 6 months, as cheesy as it sounds, i feel like i took the leap from being a girl to a woman. and not just oh, i became an adult because i feel like being a woman is distinctly different. my intuition was right about a lot of things in the past, and now i have the wisdom listen to it. i felt so vulnerable and lonely at times, but now i know how to truly be a friend to myself. i was so angry and hurt i could barely see straight, but i somehow channeled that energy into forgiving myself. i could have buried myself in work, drinking, or eating, to soothe the pain, but somehow i let all those temptations go by the wayside to do some real soul searching instead.

it's honestly a lot like distance running. about 9 months ago i decided i would run a half marathon when i couldn't even run 1 mile. but it's amazing what your body can do when you challenge it, when you push it farther than comfortable, farther than you thought you could go. suddenly the word "can't" escapes your vocabulary. and even though your body can endure a lot of pain throughout the training, it teaches you a lot about what is right for you. and it teaches you that you can endure the pain today to reach your dream, even when it feels very far off. and there are no shortcuts. either you put in the time and training or you miss out. but once you get there, you know deep in your bones you have what it takes to do anything.

i have my first marathon scheduled for fall of next year. i'm excited about mapping out the races and training before then. and as for the rest of my life, i'll take it all in the same way. set out goals and the baby steps to get there. and the thing about being a "back-of-packer" is that you don't worry about making it there fast. you're proud and happy enough to just be going at it.