cravings

yesterday morning got off to a bad start. they say mercury is in retrograde, so maybe that's it. patrick and i left the gym and he decided to stop off at mcdonalds drive thru for bfast. WTF? my stomach was grumbling holding his stupid delicious smelling breakfast while we drove home to my boring bowl of fiber cereal. then even though i had plenty of time to get ready for work, more time than i normally give myself, i couldn't find a thing to wear! how does having a totally full closert of clean clothes get me nothing to wear. *sigh* so i get to work a little late, my makeup looking less polished than i'd like.

running late always throws me off and the rest of the morning i was fighting off these horrible feelings of rage, anger, stress...maybe it was the adrenaline from having to race through my morning. i was just in the mood to either punch someone in the face or kick someone in the junk. and whenever i get in that mood, all i also want to do is eat. i had the most intense desire to eat a whole bag of jalapeno kettle chips dipped in sour cream. like i wanted to leave my desk, peel out in my car to the nearest store, purchase said items and just inhale them in my car. thinking about it made me feel better. but not being able to do it made me feel worse.

thankfully, i had some wherewithal and knew that these were just some crazy ass cravings coming from being really rushed and emotional this morning. i tried a handful of nuts to soothe the need for salt. no go. at some point in the morning i got a small bag of cheetos out of the vending machine. (which i realize i forgot to post in my food log. damn!) then finally at some point during the morning i busied myself enough to mostly forget about it and my mood felt much more even.

i had lunch about 45 minutes later than usual because the office was so busy. normally i go home for lunch, eat something there, visit with patrick and my dad, then come back home. but i wasn't in the mood for all that. sometimes going home for lunch stresses me out more just because i go from work, one space where people need me, to home, another space where people need me, back to work. i decided that after my morning, i needed a respite. and in the spirit of comforting myself, i turned to comfort food: philly cheesesteak with onions and peppers and mushrooms with french fries.

when i was done, i definitely felt more full than i had all week. not too terribly icky i feel sick full. but full. i figured the only way i could balance eating my lunch was to not have dinner. normally, i'm starved at 5 pm on the drive home but i felt full all the way until 6:30 pm. so i poured myself a glass of cabernet and debated my options.

in the meantime, patrick and i got into it about my parents and his parents getting on him about finding a job. i won't go into details, but it obviously wasn't happy talk. and i ride the fine line of showing tough love and wanting to crack the whip to seeing how broken up he is and wanting to comfort him. mostly i just wish i felt confident that he could handle this on his own. i don't want to deal with this situation that i can do nothing to help. and i wish that he could just suck it up, fight the good fight bravely instead of moping, and be more assertive and positive. in a lot of ways, sometimes i feel like the 'man' of the relationship and as feminist as i like to think i am, that's not what i want. is that wrong of me?

but back to food...i ended up getting legitimately hungry around 6:30, so i popped some brussel sprouts into the oven and that became my dinner. satisfying and guilt free.

i weighed myself last night, as i have every night this year, and was pleased to find i was down to 185.6. and this morning i'm down even more at 183.2 but that's an unofficial weight. we're all lighter in the mornings :) i weigh myself daily, a few times a day, just to keep me on track. seeing that number is a good constant reminder that i have to remain vigilant and make good choices constantly. when i see the scale moving in the right direction it's a great affirmation of the efforts i've made. and when it creeps up, for whatever reason, it reminds me to reign it in. so for now, it works. i'm sure when i'm down to my last 10 pounds the scale might become my enemy. for now, it's my ally.