the schedule only has 6 planned for today. must be another one of those cutback weeks (gotta love em) so i don't really have a fire lit under my ass to get it done. it's very doable and the weather today is so mild i can do it anytime. it's more a matter of getting over the dread of boredom i've talked about before. i think running a new route might help, so that will require some thinking on my end. and i need to find the receiver to my ipod+. but i'm too lazy to do either of those things right now, so i'm blogging. about my weight! (aren't you lucky!)
when i started this blog back in september i was weeks from my first half and weighed 138 pounds. which is pretty hefty for someone only 5'3". but i've always been heavier than my petite counterparts mainly because i think i carry more muscle or have heavier bones, or so i tell myself. my profile pic shows what i look like at that weight and while you can't see the meatiness that is my thighs, i think i look pretty good. i felt pretty good anyway.
at that time, i was hoping to lose another 10-15, but i know from experience that weighing anything under the 135 mark is something my body can't do without great sacrifice. meaning working out hard, a lot. and more importantly, eating healthy 100% of the time.
today, i'm 10 pounds heavier than i was back in september (so the miss petite america moniker is a sham! shut up!) a lot of that has to do with the stress and change i've gone through since september. and the fact that i now live at home and my mom fills the house with goodies i never ever bought. her way of showing she loves me is to feed me. and i have no self control.
60% of the time i can be good. i have to subtract 25% for the week of PMS and 15% for my celebrating habit (drinking, birthday parties, family get togethers etc). this 60% does put me ahead, but only by a bit. so the weight loss, it's been slow. reeeeeeal slow. and if my workout regimen falters at all, the scale is unforgiving.
i know that if i really just focus, even just a little bit, the 10 pounds will fall away pretty easily. but the last 10-15 vanity pounds i'd want to lose? would only come if i borrowed madonna's personal trainers and nutritionists. and never ate anything i loved ever again.
and people really do live this way. some people actually practice raw, macrobiotic diets. some people actually don't drink alcohol! some people actually workout when they're upset instead of reaching for a bag of kettle chips! dean karnazes says he doesn't even eat his kid's birthday cake! sweet jesus, it's BIRTHDAY CAKE!!!!!!!!!! i know dean is like the god of distance running, but c'mon it's your kid's freaking birthday, and you ran like 500 miles this morning, i think you can eat a piece of friggin' cake for your son's birthday.
i vascilate between admiration and pity when i read/hear about people's perfect diet and exercise habits. i mean to have the dedication and discipline! but at the same time, to ALWAYS be that dedicated and disciplined can't always be fun. maybe that's the price you pay for having a "perfect" body.
judging by my 60%, i've chosen fun and food over 6 pack abs. because while it would be great to fit into my size 4 skinny jeans all the time, i just don't think i could give up beer and barbecue. or the random PMS krispy kreme. or garlic fries at the ball park. maybe it makes me weak. or less dedicated. or neurotically too attached to food. i think the best i could do is raise my 60% to a 75%. i am just a recreational athlete, after all. but it does sometimes make me feel like a porker.
i actually meant this to be a more positive post, as my size 6 pants are fitting again. and my skinny jeans are only 10 pounds away. i think what bothers me more than my actual size is my attitude. i feel like i should want to be healthier, want to be more hardcore about my diet and exercise. that i shouldn't stop until i'm 17% body fat. because even though i might be comfortable with my size and my body, i can't help but think that others see me running and think, "sweet jesus, she needs to put a shirt on" or "holy crap she's gonna start a fire with all that chafing". even at a healthy weight for me, i don't think i'll ever look like a runner. i always feel like that chubby girl in a sea of super-toned, super-fit hard bodies.
and i mean, sure it'd be great if i could be a hard body too. but i'm obviously not willing to work that hard. is that such a bad thing?
13 comments:
i think you are doing just fine. and i hear ya.
it can't be fun to be that perfect all the time.
Oh, we are so much alike: all that you say, I totally understand!
You read my freakin' mind...I am 100% with ya. We are even the same weight and height and both have the coveted, must-fit-into-them-again size 4 jeans!
Um..have you stolen my identity?
Oh I hear ya sister. It's just so much easier... and sometimes enjoyable to not eat/drink so great.
I am pretty much the same size as you, height for sure... I like to thank my father for my thunder things and meaty calves...
Don't be so hard on yourself!
"i vascilate between admiration and pity when i read/hear about people's perfect diet and exercise habits." -- I completely relate! I think living a happy life that isn't consumed with thoughts of food is far more important than being 4% body fat. Besides, what 4% body fat person do you know who's actually fun to be around? I mean, no beer, no cake - that is not company I want to share!
Like you, I love food. Burgers? Yes! Ditto Cajun french fries, Krispy Kreme doughnuts (or any doughnuts, for that matter), spaghetti, hot dogs, sushi, creme brulee, Trader Joe's coconut sorbet ... well, you get the picture.
So thank god I run. I weigh 108 pounds. Which you think would be good enough, as I'm 5'2". But according to a couple of running sites, I still weigh a few pounds over my ideal weight of 105! WTF. Is that weight even healthy?!
AMEN!!!! There is NO way in hell I'd give up the cocktails, B-day cake, and donuts for less pounds. I completely agree with Krista, happiness is far more important than 4% body fat. As long as your healthy!
Yep, I can also completely relate to everything you've said.
The fact is you look hot, you are an awesome runner, and you know how to have fun. I'd say you've got it all.
ok. so I'll never ever ever see 138 pounds, unless I abandon all physical exercise and let my muscle atrophy. I'm about a 1/2 inch taller and I weigh 10 pounds MORE and I can't seem to drop any more weight (granted I'm not trying now anyway). But, the size 4 jeans are no consolation. I'm still embarassed to stand on a scale in front of other people. I can strength train to lose inches, but that just means my weight stays high and I have 15-16% bodyfat. I still have the same insecurities about running in just shorts and a sports bra.
what you mentioned isn't such a bad thing - everyone has different wants, desires and goals. Be who you want to be, since that will make you the happiest (at least in my opinion)
Great post! I'm in the exact same place as you. I would love to hire a personal trainer, lose the lbs and get my ideal rock-hard body, but it's just too much everything. Too much $$, too much work, too much sacrifice. I guess I'll have to learn to love what I've got.
I recently can upon your blog through another & I think you are awesome!!! I too am 5'3"; weighing in at much more [currently], but my goal weight is 135.
Honestly, less than that I jsut dont' look good. At 125lbs I lose all that makes me a woman (I have too much of it all right now). But I just showed my DH your blog yesterday & said, told him I'd love to look liek you do, I figured you at 115lbs. YOU LOOK AWESOME!!! you're a great runner & you're post's crack me up.
Its like listening to me, well, in my head :)
I think you are (as my 15 yr old would say) Smokin' Hott! Don't lose any more weight; its not the lbs, its the inches!!!
I love this post :)
(Saw you on Runner's World)
I've been having a lot of those moments too and I've decided not to give up or miss out on life. My mindset is the more of me there is the more of me there is to love...HAH
Seriously, what's the point in a cakeless, margaritaless, fryless, chocolateless existence?
Hey!
Thanks for the shout out! I love reading your blog too! And I never realized we're the same height and weight! Shh! Don't tell anybody! I'm like you though, I can hold my current weight with a 60% 'good diet.' But anything less than that (goal weight) requires me to forgo all the celebrations and buffets and hell...what fun would that be?!
And I had to chuckle at your paragraph on Dean Karnazes! I thought the SAME thing when I read that he won't eat any refined sugars/his kid's birthday cake! Jesus, guy! You run HUNDREDS of miles per week!!! Surely your veins can handle a little lard from time to time!!! What ever happenned the to crazy Dean who ate a rolled up large pizza while running?! (Then again, this may be why he can run for 48 hours straight and I can't stop my chubby thighs from chafing...)
In any case, please tell me what the comment/post before me was referring to when they said they saw you in Runners World! Are you in the mag? Which issue? And what for? Details, por favor!!!
PS - I'm jealous that you ran along the Redwoods! I've been to see them once and I felt like an Ewok. How cool.
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