can i get an amen?

this time tomorrow, pattycakes and i will be on the road to las vegas. i have a job interview on friday afternoon. i have a good feeling about this one. send us happy thoughts, yeah? thanks :)

boost

so i fully admit i do not have the healthiest habits in the world. or even on the block. i kept telling myself i should take a multivitamin or something. but i am so adverse to popping any kind of pill. it's hard enough for me to remember to take the meds i have to take.

but one day i was bored and i went to target and i remembered that my 4 year old nephew loves to take his gummy vitamins. and i thought, hey, i like candy! i'll take candy vitamins too! i thought i would have to double dose on a kids vitamin, but they have gummy vitamins for adults too! yay!

they even have OMEGA 3s in gummies! hurrah! no nasty huge ass fish oil pill to take. i heard you burp up fish oil all day. groddy to the max. so i bought a bottle of target brand berry gummy multis for adults and a lil critters omega 3 gummies.

and being the kid that i am i look forward to taking my vitamins. i usually have them after lunch as my 'dessert'. it's like eating a pack of fruit snacks or something. i've found that in the month i've been using them i'm a lot more, ahem, regular, if you know what i mean. and my nails and hair have grown a lot faster.

i have since done some online research and found that there is an adult gummy version of the omega 3s, but i think i'll stick to the kids one since it seems to be working well for me. i know that taking vitamins isn't a novel idea, but still i thought i'd share anyway. the gummy verisons rock!

can't get this outta my head.

i want her trainer.

a new season

they say that most new years resolutions have fizzled by valentines day. a mere 45 days into the year! but today provides another opportunity for renewed resolve: ash wednesday the beginning of lent. 40 days and 40 nights of reflection and repentance.

now i understand not everyone is catholic, and many catholics just use this time as a social exercise to gripe about giving up chocolate or soda or facebook. but regardless of your faith or practice, it's never a bad idea to focus inwardly and build yourself up for the new season of spring.

my lenten practice this year will be about being more mindful of my body: what i put into it, how i treat it, take care of it, and appreciate it.

thanks

thanks for all of your responses. ya'll made it quite clear to me that this is not my responsibility (even though it has been my stress for the last year) and it just took a HUGE load off of my shoulders. not that i don't have my own shiz to take care of. but trying to carry it all just about did me in. but now, i feel lighter. and stronger. to carry out my end of the bargain and take of business.

and not that i want to dwell, but more as a note to myself, i have this habit of wanting to take care of other people. and i'm not even saying it to try to make myself look good. it's just that when someone i care about, or even just know says they're upset, or hungry or whatever, my brain and heart automatically go to 'what can i do to help?' and i don't feel better until i can contribute something. it's weird. i could go into all the psychobabble as to why i do it and blah blah. but it's pointless. the point is, i'm very empathetic. but i don't have to save the friggin' world to be a good person.

moving on. we spent very little at the cuzzo's birthday bc we avoided dinner out with them entirely, though i found out later dinner was on the hostess. but still, i can't go assuming that every family outing i go on will be funded by my aunts or uncles. it was a good exercise in restraint for us. the whole gang went bowling afterward which was also funded by the hostess. my uncle even bought me and patrick a pitcher of beer. my family is usually generous in this manner, but i like to not assume. and well i don't like spending their money willynilly either. so all in all a fun night on very little cash.

i realize this blog has been mainly about my finances and personal life. i'm just not feeling the whole running thing as much. and i'm not gonna beat myself up about it. i think i'm starting to get a handle on other things in life and i just can't handle trying to tackle everything at once. my brain can only handle one thing at a time i guess. so ONE: get spending under control. working on it. TWO: find a new job/get more income. working on it. (i've been getting some responses back, even if to say they aren't hiring, but it makes me feel better that my emails aren't just disappearing into space. and i have a couple prospects going) THREE: working out. will have to wait. FOUR: eating healthy. will have to wait.

i know it IS technically possible to work on all 4 at once. but yeah, not my brain. but i will keep on keeping on.

oh and p.s. you know what habit i did manage to break? like just cold turkey? out of the blue and totally suddenly? my nail biting habit. going on over 2 months now. FINALLY.

i need your advice

if you've read my blog for any length of time you know that

1. my fiance is unemployed and has been for exactly a year now.
2. i am experiencing furloughs at my job.
3. i have credit card debt and student loans.

we just got a notice that pattycake is not eligible for the last extension of unemployment like we thought. we're appealing it, but we're uncertain how they will rule. i'm preparing for the worst.

right now we have about $8k saved in the bank which can cover his expenses for about 5 months. if i help pay his bills, our savings could float us for 8 months total. longer if he can find something, anything part-time. i'm considering getting a second job. just so we can keep saving something every month.

his parents, after hearing our predicament offered to send us money from an account they set up a long time ago to help patrick buy his first house (once he finally found a wife). they would rather i put my extra money towards my debt than use it to help pay patrick's bills.

i'm a little speechless.

i'm resistant to just take money. i feel like we're old enough that running to our parents is unacceptable. it's bad enough we have to live with mine, but now his parents' are paying our bills? it's not exactly pride, but the idea of 'no, i have to do this alone.'

part of me also feels like, 'no, i have to struggle.' i got myself into this mess, we got ourselves into this mess we have to feel the pain and dig ourselves out. i feel like we really have to feel and earn this lesson.

part of me feels overwhelmed and overloved that we have people in our lives who have the means to help us in such a big way. but part of me feels like that money should wait to be used for what it was meant for, especially if we really can find a way to float this ourselves. even though i understand that this money is a gift they had always intended on giving us, it's just too much for me to take.

i don't think it's the kind of thing that will have strings attached, but you also never know. am i going to feel in debt to them?

but if we do take help from them, and i can start knocking out my debt like a super champ, and i don't have to get a second job, i can spend my time taking some classes i've been meaning and needing to take. i will have the time to do a lot of the professional development i haven't been doing. it does make me feel like i could breathe a little easier.

obviously i won't really be able to sleep at night until he is gainfully employed and we can support ourselves, which is something his parents can't help us with.

so what do you think peeps? should we consider this magic parent fund an extension of our savings so i can start attacking my debt? or should we act like we don't even know it's there and fight it out on our own?

when you live with a picky eater and more budget rambling

so far, the no-spending rule has been working, with one minor hiccup. there was one night that my parents were annoying us more than usual and we had to escape the blare of fox news on the tv. my dad listens to it at an uncomfortably high volume because he's losing his hearing. i actually got up in the middle of eating a chicken wing at dinner because i just couldn't stand the noise and negativity. don't get me wrong i love my parents, and i don't care that politically our ideologies are different, but after a long day at work with constant noise and interruptions, the LAST thing i want to hear at home is more debbie downer (and innacurate) talk about politics and the economy. and since it's their house, i let them have their space. patty cakes and i had got the hell outta there. i found $30 in my pocket earlier that week and figured it wasn't too naughty of us to spend 'found' money at in-n-out burger to save our sanity. afterward we spent the evening at the library magazine section of barnes and noble. a cheap but fun accidental date.

we bought groceries last week and they should last us well into next week. i/we have cooked a good number of meals for ourselves this week, but we also rely heavily on packaged and frozen food, which i don't like from a nutritional standpoint. most of my meals come from stuff my parents make or stuff i make for myself (patrick hates vegetables and i just don't have the energy sometimes to eat only the few he does like or come up with ways he will like new stuff). for me the packaged food comes into play for about 50% of the meals i share with patrick. because patrick doesn't like to or doesn't want to cook, he relies much more heavily on the packaged food or leftovers from meals i make for both of us. i'm hoping to make changes to healthier grocery shopping, but i didn't want to take way all of the boy's fast food and grocery indulgences at one time. right now the focus is getting our spending down as low as possible and once we get that habit going, i can focus on substituting our crappy food with healthier alternatives.

but i'm sure i'm not alone in having to deal with their family's different eating habits and preferences. i would have infinitely less stress about meal preparation if patrick ate even half the things i eat (namely vegetables). So what do you all do about the picky eaters in your house? How do you trick get the junk-food junkies to eat healthy?

as for other spending, the only thing i've bought in the last week is gas and turbo tax. my only other non-regularly-monthly-scheduled expenses this month are an oil change (which i might try to get my brother to do so all i have to spend money on is an new oil filter and the actual oil) and a doctor's visit. i got my gym to reduce my membership fees by 30% by threatening to cancel. patrick got them down to $7/month for his membership by explaining his current unemployment situation. i even went back to return a few things i purchased at the end of january WITHOUT picking up anything extra. it was all about having tunnel vision and walking straight to the customer service counter which was thankfully at the front of the store.

it's amazing how much the impulse to buy is so strong. new things at the store are so shiny and new and i don't know what it is but i've just been so conditioned to put pretty things in my cart because because oooooh that's cool and i want. i need. it's an interesting feeling for me to feel that physical and emotional rush of wanting to buy something because it's new and shiny and pretty and whatever be aware of it and have to calm that impulse. put the stuff back on the shelf and walk run out.

i had the biggest problem when it came to my little nephew. resisting the urge to spoil the most adorable creature on earth who you love with all of your heart has been a very tough lesson for me to learn. but ultimately it came down to the fact that 1. i don't have the money to do that like i used to 2. i am now a part of a couple and i have to put our needs and goals ahead of my own and 3. i don't want to teach my nephew that money grows on trees and spoil him like veruca salt. i find he loves me just as much without all the treats i used to give him because of all the fun and time we share together. and it makes the gifts i do give him for christmas and his birthday all the more special and meaningful.

it's a little sickening for me to think i'm that consumer driven. i mean it's kind of a joke that women find shopping to be a hobby, so i can't be the only one. i'm not used to spending a lot of time at home. whenever i get bored or restless my brain automatically thinks of all the things i could do out. i enjoy the stimulation and energy of going and being out. i mean i'm the kind of girl who enjoys spending an hour just getting ready to go out. but now i have to retrain my brain to think of all the things i could do at home. not nearly as glamorous but infinitely more economical. i also find i'm cleaning more and getting more stuff done around the house. and working a lot more on personal and professional development. it's amazing how much more efficient you can be when you spend less time going out to buy stuff. i know i know, not a revolutionary idea, but it's definitely a new habit for me.

the smallest month of the year

pattycakes and i have declared february 'eat at home' month. we are challenging ourselves NOT to eat out all month. (besides the commitment we already made for my cousin's birthday)

our budget is pretty lean yet i still find it ridiculous how much money we spend on eating out. mainly because we eat out when we're lazy and/or bored. i would estimate that only 25% of the time that we eat out is 'quality time' spent having a 'quality dining experience', where we're actually relaxed, taking our time, enjoying each other's company, trying something new. and not just eating for the sake of eating. ya know? and that bothers me. i may as well eat a frozen meal or whip something easy up at home and spend a few dollars than spend like $16 for us to eat fast food. or worse $40 to sit down at our local casual brewery (even if their french onion soup is FRICKIN' AWESOME) ya dig?

though i wish patrick enjoyed cooking more because i think that is a great way to spend some quality couple time. most of the time it's me alone in the kitchen, which is also sometimes nice. because most of the time when it's the two of us i'm frustrated at him being slow or asking too many questions. hmmm...

i've also imposed a no-buy for non-essentials on myself. i think i wanna see just how little i can spend in a month. while i've been good at staying within my budget every month, i still think i'm spending money on things i don't necessarily need. like the, 8 or so, tubes of lipstick i've acquired in the last 2 months or so. and don't even get me started on eye makeup. the post xmas sales were too great for this makeup junkie to resist. i have MORE than enough to last me forever.

i'm definitely one of those people who can't resist a deal. shopping itself gives me a high, but getting good shiz at a discount sends me over the edge. i think i've been buying pretty, pretty makeup to make up for my mood lately.

if all goes well, we're looking at more than doubling what we normally put into savings. which is a big deal for the smallest month of the year.

jumbled january

so as you've already noticed, i've 'fallen off the wagon'. but damnit, i've got a lot i'm dealing with here. and i don't want to be lumped into the population of people who toss their resolve about new year's resolutions out the window. because it's not really true...

if you'll remember, i had 5 resolutions:

1. run one race a month. still gonna happen.
   
   
2. lose 50 pounds. still doable even if the starting is slow. and really if i only lose 40 will i cry? heck no! :)
   
   
3. do one creative thing everyday, outside of work. i've kickstarted some projects and feel really good about this one.
   
   
4. save more money. so far, so good. we had to make some adjustments because of some snafus with patty's unemployment. and with the fed job off the horizon we've also had to change our state of mind and plan. but i think we now have a plan. and a plan b. :)
   
   
5. pray everyday. i'm doing pretty good on this. not everyday like i'd like, but i'm taking more time out when i'm stressed or relieved to write things out and talk to god.

so even thoough the whole food log/exercise everyday like a champ got put to the side for awhile, i'm confident they'll pick up again. it's an ebb and flow people. ebb and flow.

besides, january ain't over yet :)

cravings

yesterday morning got off to a bad start. they say mercury is in retrograde, so maybe that's it. patrick and i left the gym and he decided to stop off at mcdonalds drive thru for bfast. WTF? my stomach was grumbling holding his stupid delicious smelling breakfast while we drove home to my boring bowl of fiber cereal. then even though i had plenty of time to get ready for work, more time than i normally give myself, i couldn't find a thing to wear! how does having a totally full closert of clean clothes get me nothing to wear. *sigh* so i get to work a little late, my makeup looking less polished than i'd like.

running late always throws me off and the rest of the morning i was fighting off these horrible feelings of rage, anger, stress...maybe it was the adrenaline from having to race through my morning. i was just in the mood to either punch someone in the face or kick someone in the junk. and whenever i get in that mood, all i also want to do is eat. i had the most intense desire to eat a whole bag of jalapeno kettle chips dipped in sour cream. like i wanted to leave my desk, peel out in my car to the nearest store, purchase said items and just inhale them in my car. thinking about it made me feel better. but not being able to do it made me feel worse.

thankfully, i had some wherewithal and knew that these were just some crazy ass cravings coming from being really rushed and emotional this morning. i tried a handful of nuts to soothe the need for salt. no go. at some point in the morning i got a small bag of cheetos out of the vending machine. (which i realize i forgot to post in my food log. damn!) then finally at some point during the morning i busied myself enough to mostly forget about it and my mood felt much more even.

i had lunch about 45 minutes later than usual because the office was so busy. normally i go home for lunch, eat something there, visit with patrick and my dad, then come back home. but i wasn't in the mood for all that. sometimes going home for lunch stresses me out more just because i go from work, one space where people need me, to home, another space where people need me, back to work. i decided that after my morning, i needed a respite. and in the spirit of comforting myself, i turned to comfort food: philly cheesesteak with onions and peppers and mushrooms with french fries.

when i was done, i definitely felt more full than i had all week. not too terribly icky i feel sick full. but full. i figured the only way i could balance eating my lunch was to not have dinner. normally, i'm starved at 5 pm on the drive home but i felt full all the way until 6:30 pm. so i poured myself a glass of cabernet and debated my options.

in the meantime, patrick and i got into it about my parents and his parents getting on him about finding a job. i won't go into details, but it obviously wasn't happy talk. and i ride the fine line of showing tough love and wanting to crack the whip to seeing how broken up he is and wanting to comfort him. mostly i just wish i felt confident that he could handle this on his own. i don't want to deal with this situation that i can do nothing to help. and i wish that he could just suck it up, fight the good fight bravely instead of moping, and be more assertive and positive. in a lot of ways, sometimes i feel like the 'man' of the relationship and as feminist as i like to think i am, that's not what i want. is that wrong of me?

but back to food...i ended up getting legitimately hungry around 6:30, so i popped some brussel sprouts into the oven and that became my dinner. satisfying and guilt free.

i weighed myself last night, as i have every night this year, and was pleased to find i was down to 185.6. and this morning i'm down even more at 183.2 but that's an unofficial weight. we're all lighter in the mornings :) i weigh myself daily, a few times a day, just to keep me on track. seeing that number is a good constant reminder that i have to remain vigilant and make good choices constantly. when i see the scale moving in the right direction it's a great affirmation of the efforts i've made. and when it creeps up, for whatever reason, it reminds me to reign it in. so for now, it works. i'm sure when i'm down to my last 10 pounds the scale might become my enemy. for now, it's my ally.

happiest damn runner ever.

why must i be so friggin' goofy? :D

i am especially happy about the ponytail swooshing in the first picture. it's a new experience for me. makes me feel authentic.

but seriously, is it necessary for my legs to be so....um gigantic? like whoa. it's scary. maybe one day i will need to leg press a small automobile off of me to save my life.

beating insomnia

yesterday's news kinda threw us for a loop. the plan was to do the workout we missed in the am when i got home from work, but neither of us were really feeling it. nor were we feeling sleep either. at around 2 am we decided, eff it, let's go to the gym. patrick suggested we swim. a run was on on the schedule but i decided eff it. let's just have fun.

we spent about half an hour pool running, chatting, spending quality time together. the pool at the gym was practically empty save the cleaning lady and a random dude in the sauna. it was so nice. to have peace. and quiet. and space. empty space filled with just us. we capped the workout off with some time in the hot tub then we made our way home to have breakfast together. at around 4 am i was finally able to drift to sleep feeling a million times better.

these are the moments i love the best.

--------------

my scale hates me today. but it was to be expected. it was a pretty high carb day. and i ate waaaay too much of the chicken sloppy joe i made at lunch. must remember to eat slower. will reign it in tomorrow. we have a weights and run combo workout planned. must. kick. my. own. butt.

good news and bad news

the good news? i'm down 2 pounds. no reason for a parade just yet, though. i attribute the loss to no longer being on my period. (bloating is a bitch, yo.) i've also subconsciously adopted a low carb eating habit, so most of that is water weight loss. still, better up than down. and i give myself 2 snaps for at least being more aware of what i'm eating and how much. i've been better at curbing two of my worst eating traps.

1. craving something sweet to soothe stress and/or anxiety: there are periods of my workday that are super hectic and aspects of my workplace that drive me freaking nuts. normally during those times, i'd reach for a sugary treat to help me feel better. i now treat myself to a cup of tea sweetened very lightly with splenda. it's actually more soothing than a candy bar or cookies because of how warm and toasty it makes me feel. and it doesn't make me crash or feel fat afterward.
   
   
2. eating out of boredom at work: there are also periods of my workday that are so unbearably boring all i want to do is snack. for those times, i used to chomp on anything crunchy, salty or crispy all day long. it was pretty easy to mindlessly chow through a whole bag of chips. now, i bust out a handful of sunflower seeds still in the shell. it's a lot of work for a little food, even if seeds are packed with fat. the good kind, thankfully.

the bad news? we got a letter today saying patrick did not get the big bad fed job we've been after for almost a year now. initially, i was relieved. it meant we don't have to move and we don't have to be separated for the 7 months he would have been in training. and i knew in my heart of hearts he didn't really want this job. he was just doing it because it was going to provide a great salary and sweet benefits. mostly i was relieved that the wait was over. we finally knew, one way or another, our status. and i'm grateful that if he wasn't going to make it, it would be at this step and not him failing out during training. that would have been even more devastating to his psyche.

the bottom line is i think we're still in shock. as the news has had more time to sink in, i vacillate between feeling dissappointed, worried, hopeful, and grateful. we spent a lot of money travelling to the east coast twice. and we spent a lot of time wrapped up in this process. and most of our momentum had been channelled toward him getting it and moving our lives across the country. we've been on this crazy emotional rollercoaster and suddenly it just stopped. it was the light at the end of our unemployment tunnel. so now what?

i know that the only answer is to just forge ahead and step up alternative job efforts. it's in my nature to be positive and creative when it comes to problem solving. i wish i could say the same for patrick. i pray, pray, pray that my honey can remain positive and hopeful. i pray that this will ignite a fire in him to find something that he was truly meant for. i have faith that this decision was ultimately part of God's plan for us. but i also can't help but pray that he gets a great job now.

how to get your fruits and veggies in the wintertime

if you check out my food log via twitter, it's blindingly obvious i need more fruits and vegetables. it's not that i don't like them, i just feel like they're hard to come by in the winter. in the summer, i can go to the farmer's market every week and fill up bags and bags of fresh produce that can be eaten without even cooking. for me, the winter is not as inspiring. maybe it's because my ancestors are from a tropical island.

nonetheless, i still need to get my veggie on. i got a sample of this super antioxidant shot from my goodie bag from CIM.
normally, i wouldn't buy stuff like that because i feel like they're gimmicky, too good to be true and not really worth the money. this product claims that two of these is equivalent to the antioxidants in 8 servings of fruit and 4 servings of veggies. sounds good, but it's not like it's the same as eating 8 servings of actual fruit and 4 servings of actual veggies. while antioxidants are good, you don't get the fiber and vitamin benefits as eating the real whole fruit and veggie.

i understand it's more of a "supplement" than a substitute for produce, but it looks like a lot of money to pay for antioxidants. not to mention all the waste that goes into the packaging. when you look at it this way, it feels so much more unhealthy doesn't it?

i've always been of the mindset that the real thing is always better. so what do you kids do to get all your fruits and veggies in? is this lover of everything tropical missing out on some hidden delicious wintery gems? please share!

first 5k of 2010

patty cakes and i got our happy little butts up at 5 am to run our first 5k of the year. it's not like i really had a goal in mind except to finish. but i was nervous about how patrick would feel. he still hasn't warmed to the idea of any kind of physical exertion. and for him to get up before 10 am to run, in the cold, on a foggy day is never his idea of a good time. oh the things he does for love :)

our times are obviously not notable. they are recorded here for accounting purposes.
1: 12:27 2: 14:02 3: 15:18 T: 41:48

i have a 5k planned for the beginning of next month and i'm hoping to get him to do more running and less walking. by march, hopefully he'll be able to do it on his own without me baiting him to the finish. i enjoy being there for him, but i'd like to run my own race too. and see how he does pushing his own ass.

we're rewarding our efforts with a very relaxed day at home. uggs. trackpants. snuggies. the whole bit. happy sunday.

the un-diet

i mentioned in my last post that i wasn't going on a 'diet'. which i guess seems contradictory to the amount of weight i want to lose. but here's the thing with me, i cannot diet. i just can't. the second i tell myself something is off-limits, it's ALL I EVER WANT. it's like telling someone 'don't think of elephants'. you're gonna friggin' think of elephants. i am also rebellious. even against myself. i tell myself i can't have something, but damnit, i am not the boss of me.

my goal for now is to just eat less. which is very vague and flies in the face of everything they tell you about goal setting and weight loss. but again, here's the thing about me. counting shit, whether it's calories or carbs or points or grams, drives me batshit. i don't enjoy micromanaging things to that degree. especially something as basic as food. how can i enjoy it if i have to analyze it and turn it into work? maybe it's my right-brainedness, but i know that the bottom line is eating less will get me where i want to go and learning to focus on my fullness and satisfaction will make me much happier.

part of me worries that this seemingly easy-going approach will not yield me the results i want. at least not fast enough. but considering i've tried everything in the book and nothing has stuck, i'm thinking that this plan is the closest thing resembling moderation, which to me seems like a good plan for long-term success.

so here's what i ate today:

6 am: english breakfast tea w/ splenda
ham, salami, swiss sandwich with mustard on sourdough

11 am: banana

12:30: slice of veggie pizza
mint tea

1:30 pm: half of a huge red velvet cupcake with cream cheese frosting

7:00 pm: ensenada chicken from red robin, side salad and a handful of garlic fries pilfered from patrick's plate.

so yeah, it doesn't look like i'm trying to cut back, but honestly i am. only one slice of pizza? that's unheard of. sharing a cupcake? p-shaw! not ordering a luscious heart-attack burger from red robin? crazy.

and so while i know there is room for improvement, it's a step in the right direction. i didn't drive myself insane craving food i couldn't have. and i didn't make myself sick from eating too much like i normally do. and that my friends, is a victory in and of itself.

and to make up for truly traumatizing you (and myself) with my before photos, here are some photos of our afternoon at lake merritt in oakland.












and p.s. you guys rock! thanks so much for all the encouragement.

perhaps i should take up sumo wrestling

what i am about to do goes against everything i believe in. i've been on the fence about it for so long, but i've come to the conclusion that drastic times call for drastic measures. or whatever. and don't they say the truth will set you free? oh god i can't believe i'm going to do this, but without further ado, i present...my 'before' picture. me, in all my 187.2 lb glory...(shite! did i really just say that! SHITE!) you seriously might want to just turn away. and usher small children out of the room...




OUCH. that is some serious OUCH.

and let me remind you i am only 5'3".

drastic measures, people.

there's obviously a lot of self-deprecating things i could say that would be both true and funny. but honestly, who wants to read angsty fat talk. it is what it is. i know how i got here. and not only is it aesthetically unpleasingly, it's just downright unhealthy. and that's the biggest ouch. i can no longer treat my 31 year old body like this. though honestly, this is a reflection of how when my spirit gets beat up i turn to food. (ok, end angsty fat talk)

so there we have it kids. i've got a long road ahead of me.

to infinity and beyond

i have found that since i have graduated from school (10 years ago this year! eek!), time passes in such a weird way. events sort of blend together, days go by slowly, but weeks fly by so quickly. i feel like i can't wait until the next holiday or season, but once it comes i'm sad that it passes so quickly.

2009 has been especially weird because it's been the year of waiting. we had a certain expectation for how patrick's federal job process would go and never did it go according to plan. we had to be both ready to move at a moment's notice yet be prepared to wait and wait and wait until the government was good and ready. i felt constantly jerked from one hope and expectation to another. it's not a fun way to live.

patrick and i spent a lot of this year not only under this stress, but under the odd situation of living together under my parents' roof. and there is no way i could have understood what a HUGE adjustment and learning experience this would be. i firmly believe that no 2 different people could have been matched together. take an only child from a conservative, sheltered southern house and dump him in the house of a big and loud filipino house in california. if that isn't reality tv fodder, i don't know what is. i'd call it 'clash of the cultures'. it sometimes feels like it's the will of the spoiled little boy who always got his way versus the will of the steamroller collective brown family. and so many times was i caught in the middle.

the good news is, i think with time we've all just gotten used to each other more. the way my family does things isn't necessarily how patrick would want to do things, but he is at least used to it and can deal with when he wants to participate and when he doesn't. and i am hoping that the strong ties i have with my family is better respected, if not understood, by him.

in a lot of ways, i feel like i've thrown a whole year down the drain. i was merely surviving. just waiting for when our lives would really begin.

the good news is, patrick completed the last step of the federal job process over thanksgiving. he passed the polygraph and all of the medical requirements. we still have to wait for them to finish the background check and to hear if he passed the psychological evaluation. so we're still waiting, but at least we know we're at the penultimate step. if he finally does get chosen and they send him to training, he has 7 months spread out over georgia, dc, and md. and he still has to pass. lord, help us. if he doesn't pass, i don't know WHAT will happen.

i can't even think like that. my friends ask me how in the hell i've managed to get through all this uncertainty and all i can say is that i know that what is meant to be will be. it's not up to me to decide and i have faith that God is working his plan.

not to say it hasn't been hard. because it has. writing about what still has to happen has started to overwhelm me again. but then, i have to stop. 2009 was so much about patrick. so much worrying. so much about trying to make things better for him. and it feels so very selfish for me to say it, but i want 2010 to be more about me. i go from work, where everyone is calling my name, wanting me to fix everything, to home where my fiance. my mom, my dad, my brothers, my family want something from me. i get sick of it. a lot.

so in 2010, i will strive to carve out more time and space and happiness just for me. my goals this year are to:

1. run one race a month.
   i've mapped out most of the year, with a few holes in july and august. jan, feb, and march i'll run 5ks. april, may, june are for 10ks. i have some half marathons and other odd distance races in mind for fall and winter. the main idea is to be consistent. and have fun.
   
   
2. lose 50 pounds.
   there are 52 weeks in a year. totally, doable, right? and yes, unfortunately, i really do need to lose that much. for now i don't have any strict diet ideas. i want to focus on just eating less (ie: no second helpings and stopping before i feel full) and concentrate most of my energy to running and working out. i've found in the past that once i get my body moving on a regular basis, the diet falls into line quite harmoniously.
   
   
3. do one creative thing everyday, outside of work.
   my brain feels stuck in a rut. even though i have about a billion ideas for projects. i'll elaborate more later.
   
   
4. save more money.
   surprisingly, 2009 was my best year in saving money, despite having so little of it! and i haven't used a credit card in over a year! right now, about a third of my salary gets banked and i'm looking at other ways to create income (see #3)
   
   
5. pray everyday.
   over the past year, i kind of feel like i've built up a wall around me. something to protect me, i suppose. to help steel me against totally giving into despair and frustration. and while this probably has been one of the most stressful years of recent times, i've spent the least amount of time writing and journaling and reflecting. and i want that back.
   

happy 2010, peeps! be safe and have fun!

it's all good in the hood

if you're checking this, i'm impressed. and touched. the majority of my posts lately have spelled trouble with a capital T. it's been rough. so rough that i resorted to venting my frustration about the person i love most on the internets. while it was my right and my perogative (and ultimately one of the things that made me feel better), i thought it best not to leave that all up there for him to find.

especially now, when i don't feel those awful things about him anymore. it's been a bit of a bumpy ride, but i'm happy and so very thankful to say, we've grown a lot closer because of it. we are leaps and bounds better at communicating with each other. and i'm actually quite proud of us. through the grace of god and the power of our love, we have been able to muddle through a very stressful situation during a very vulnerable stage in our relationship. it makes me all the more confident that we can get through anything together. i know now more than ever that i was meant to spend the rest of my life with this man. and that my life could never be as full or as rich without him.

for the first time in our relationship, we felt like a 'we'.

checking my vitals

last year at my annual checkup, to my surprise, i was given a great bill of health: good cholesterol, good blood pressure, good blood sugar, good thyroid. everything was working fine and as it should. i was just overweight.

today, about 10 pounds heavier than last year, i was even more worried. i haven't gotten my blood work done yet, and while my doctor was concerned about my weight and the health problems that come with that, she did say, "but you do have a great glow about you."

so i can't be too bad off now can i? it's hard to be totally unhealthy and still 'glow' right?

of course, i'm still gonna get the blood work done. and it'll be good to know either way whether i've done more damage to my body in the last year. all i know is i'm feeling grateful. and i definitely feel the need to protect this 'glow' i have.

it's funny how one small little thing someone says to you can affect your whole outlook. i'm sure she was saying it to be polite and not scare me. but i'm taking it and running with it people.