taking a step back

discussions aren't going well on the wedding talk front. there's a whole lot more to the issue that i'm too tired to talk about. especially when i think i've come to the conclusion that this means we're not ready to get married yet. which i'm fine with. i know we had a timeline in mind, but there's no sense in rushing things when i think all signs point to slowing down. i waited 30 years to finally meet him, i think we can wait to get married while we focus on you know, being a couple.

and the first order of business is for us to be out of my parents' house and self-sufficient. i think being unemployed has taken a toll on patrick and on us. his last job at williams-sonoma was the first job he has ever felt proud about. since he graduated college he has suffered and stumbled through a variety of bad jobs and unemployment. leaving alabama three years ago was the best thing he ever did for himself or his career, but now he has to start all over again.

now is not the time to think about a wedding.

and well, to be honest, i have some reservations. i have doubts on how well he can handle adversity. will he rise to the occasion and do whatever is necessary or will he shrink and shrivel and hide? without going into too much detail, it's hard for me to tell.

i don't think he's ever really been challenged. and in the past when faced with stress or adversity, he resorts to escapism (ie: video games) because it gives him some sense of control. he never really did well in school and isn't particularly ambitious. for months he felt stressed about losing his job and i implored him to look for other work while he had a job. but it wasn't until he was laid off and forced to look for work that he did.

a much older friend of mine has said to me that she thinks i do too much for him. for all intents and purposes, i was his headhunter, contacting everyone i knew about leads, scouring the internet for jobs and information. i've become his trainer. his nutritionist. and practically his sole social outlet, especially now that he's not working.

and it has come to a point where it's just too much. these are things i think an adult should handle for themselves. being supportive doesn't mean doing it for him.

when he is faced with an obstacle, i've seen him get upset, frustrated and want to give up. he hates when he's not in control and he just has no desire to be out of his comfort zone. i don't think he has the humility to accept not knowing how to do everything. i don't think he has the coping skills to deal with it. to have hope, or positivity, or come up with a different solution. i think he lets adversity beat him down. i don't think he's learned to be resillient.

that being said, i think this capitol police job and the training required to get it, is exactly what he needs to boost his confidence and give him a new set of skills, professionally and personally. i have to believe that there really is a fighter inside who can learn to grit through pain and discomfort and succeed at something. he sees this as his only chance. his academic record is a joke, his professional record, he feels is a joke, and he has no other idea what he wants to do with his life. and when he says stuff like that to me i do wonder, why would you want me to marry you?

i have a tendency of seeing the best in people, trusting in them too quickly and too fiercely. and while i know for certain that he loves me and that he will treat me affectionately and lovingly my entire life and make me laugh the entire time, i need more. i need to know he can stand up as a partner.

there are times i know he gets down on himself because he feels i'm smarter than him, faster, stronger, better. but i guess the girls he dated in the past i guess weren't as accomplished, not that i'm a rocket scientist all-star. and i always tell him, i wasn't born this way. i have had to learn a lot. and teach myself a lot. if i can do it, you can do it. the only difference between me and him is that i had a desire to learn more and i didn't let anything stop me until i got to where i wanted to go.

how he and we handle the next few months will decide a lot.