i've never done drugs or had to go to rehab for alcohol or anything. but if there was a food rehab, i'm certain i would have a clinic named after me. i have "dieted" practically my entire adult life, despite having pretty healthy habits as a teenager. did you know i never drank soda, let alone alcohol, or even ate chocolate as a kid!? we rarely had fast food growing up and for whatever reason i never really liked cakes or pastries or candy all that much. college opened up a pandora's box of all kinds of things and nowadays i have cravings for things i never even ate growing up.
i have gone up and down in weight so much the last 10 years i have clothes ranging from size 4 to 12. i can't ever get rid of any of them because i can't stay one size for more than a year. once i get down to a size i like, i get lax, in both diet and exercise and have to start the whole thing again once i start running out of clothes. and i'm embarrassed to say the last round of weight loss stemmed from me starting running as a way to get over my crappy ex boyfriend. about a year ago, i started gaining it back slowly.
i am now at my heaviest. shockingly, i am also at my happiest. which has more to do with personal growth and the fact that i am surrounded by my family and have the best boyfriend ever in the entire world. but being happy is not a good motivator for me to change how i look, even when the only thing i am unhappy with is my weight and how i look. i can tell you right now, if sg were to up and leave me suddenly, i would be on the treadmill day and night nonstop until i had whipped myself into the kind of shape he would regret ever leaving.
why is that?!
why can't i motivate myself with the same vigor in times of happiness? why do i covet other people's fit bodies, yet can't consistently find the motivation to do the same work they do? and after all i've learned why do i even bother comparing myself to others when i know it's not worth it? when will i ever find a happy medium between fit, healthy, and normal?
2 comments:
Hmm... sounds like to me you don't think you're worth it- worth taking the time and energy and feel and look your best. You're willing to do if there's a guy on the line, but you're not willing to do it for yourself.
It's not like you should lose a ton of weight, but you should find a weight that you can MAINTAIN and that isn't a huge life overhaul for you.
Your happiness is not dependent on your weight... but it's not good for your overall health to yo-yo w/ it either.
Oh my goodness, I am 100% with you. See the thing is, why exercise when you can just hang out and be happy with your man?
I know that feeling! Sure, every day I want to be fit, but then, why fight when you know you love him and he loves you and it's ok? Well, technically it's not, for me. I have family history that indicates I should be WAY more healthy, if I want to STAY with my husband as long as I can.
We don't have the immediate risk for dying, so we think it's ok to be unhealthy. Now, I expect you are still way healthier than I am, even though I'm a 12 too, but my point is that if someone held a gun to you and said, you have to eat healthy and work out, you would (well, I would!!) But it's not a gun, it's the potential for being unhealthy later, that I think about. I know it, but I still don't do enough, I think. I don't get it!
Anyway, I'm sorry to vent--I know that you at least are working out more than I (right now) but I just wanted to say I feel the exact same way, and these are some of my own thoughts on it. :P
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