ack!

suddenly, everything seems to be getting out of control around here.

freelancing is a relatively new situation for me, and just as i suspected, it's already getting complicated. i took on a project for a firm in sac, and so far it seems to be under control. except that i have a deadline right after my half. my old firm in dc has a rush project that needs to get taken care of by the end of the week.

and all those creative staffing agencies i've shown my portfolio to? they all say they have jobs for me, but they're all temporary positions. i'm contemplating whether that's something i want to commit to because it could just put me back in the same position i am in now, while a permanent position i DO want may be out of my grasp because of the time i've committed to the temporary one.

in the meantime, because i was afraid i might not be making steady money, i've picked up a waitressing gig and i'm scheduled every day until saturday. i have an interview this friday after work, when all i'll really want to be doing is relaxing and packing for the weekend. not driving an hour, then putting on my most intelligent and eager face to talk about my stellar design skills.

i haven't run all last week and while i've gotten over the paranoia that my legs will have forgotten how to run, i wanted a few days to test out my legs to see how they really feel and perform.

part of me knows i'm just being a spoiled brat who has forgotten what it feels like to have a real work schedule. but part of me also knows it's just nerve wracking to have absolutely no constants in my life right now because of my work situation. some people love this kind of freedom and flexibility, but i abhor it. give me routine and comfort, please. i don't like not knowing what things will be like next month. wondering whether i'll have the time or money to plan the vacation i want to. or plan anything in advance, even races. i don't like not knowing how much i will be earning, even if it means i could be cashing in on a lot of work this month. i want to be able to plan. and focus.

i know that eventually things will settle down and something will come of the madness. i just wish the madness didn't coincide with the week before a big race.

--------addendum

i just went to get a haircut, thinking the pampering would do me some good. instead, i sat tin the chair for an hour while my childhood hairstylist talked endlessly (and annoyingly) about gossip and the endless drama in her life and i walked away with a craptastic cut.

*sigh*

i was trying to grow out my hair, then resolved to just do something different. but after this cut, i may have to whack it all off again and start all over. which just may be the excuse i wanted to go back to my original short style.