a.k.a the run where i proved to myself i have what it takes.
today i came prepared. water. fully charged ipod. clothes that fit me. all i lacked was a positive mental attitude. even on the drive to the gym i began blogging in my head about what a craptastic 5 miles this run would be.
turns out it was only a craptastic 2.5 miles. the last 2.5 miles were like a dream. the kind of dream where you're a size 4 and your hair falls in perfect cascades as you trot along the beach on the french riveria with your beckham-like boytoy. it was seriously THAT good.
i struggled through the first half of my run, inching along at a speed between 4.2 and 4.3 mph. it was excruciating because i just didn't feel like doing it. i wasn't tired. i wasn't sore. i wasn't winded. i just didn't want to do it. but i made myself, pulling out an assortment of tricks to keep my mind occupied until i knew at some point i would reach my sweet spot.
and about halfway through, i hit it. running nirvana. i just felt lighter. i felt like my body had taken over and the nagging thoughts that plagued me dissappeared in my sweat. at that point the gym was starting to get crowded and there were a series of "hoverers". i knew i wouldn't hit 5 miles in time at my current speed, so i actually had the confidence to crank it up a notch. and then another. and another. by the end, i knew i had to sprint the last quarter mile. and in my sweaty haze, my fingers were somehow able to crank the machine up to something ridiculous like 7.5 mph. even more amazing, my legs managed to run it. even if only for the last quarter mile.
the last couple days have been wrought with a lot of uncertainty, mainly about my job situation. which escalates into anxiety about paying my bills, my life becoming a huge mess, turning into a washout, being a big dissapointment. i know these worries are ridiculous, but that doesn't mean that at times part of my brain doesn't go there.
but today's run taught me that i have what it takes. to overcome the mental battle of "i can't". that gritting through what feels uncomfortable and uncertain now can reap me huge rewards later. and that sometimes you just have to kick your own ass.
7 comments:
Let's get this right: Crap at 4.7 but ecstasy at 7.4? That must have been some kind of high. Next time, bring enough for the rest of us.
I wonder if something's up with the cosmos because my last week has been fraught with the same anxieties. Maybe I should just get my ass out there and run more; sounds like it helped alleviate some of your angst. I've been soooo unmotivated!
chicago: you know part of me thought that my running was something frivolous that i was wasting my energy on when i SHOULD be doing something more "productive". but i'm finding it helps 1. take my mind of the stressful things and 2. gives me boosts of confidence during times i think nothing else is going as i want it. that and it's helping me get rid of the holiday pounds :)
Sounds like dabbing the wussy! You go girl!
hello Miss petite found you from DMZ's blog... I agree running KEEPS us our sanity . Whenever I am really getting overwhelmed and feel overstressed and have no time to get all that I need to get done, I will run harder and more that week and MAGICALLY I find the time to get MORE things done!!
Great workout Keep it going!!
Oh, I've never thought of running as a frivolous activity. The times that I"ve been unable to run due to energy just underscore how important it is to my mental, emotional and physical health.
Wow! Way to run! 7.5?? I think my legs would turn to jelly.
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