wii fit is my friend

it said i lost 4 pounds.

i love you, wii fit.

writing stuff down

as i said yesterday, i started a food journal. and boy is it working. i eat less. i eat better. and i'm less hungry. all because i'm more mindful of what i eat, when i eat it, and how. i'm not worrying too much about calories and such, but i'm taking the time to choose and plan healthier options than hastily choosing what's fast and good. i've stopped eating after 6 and it's easier than i thought. i'm making a conscious effort to eat slowly and chew my food instead of inhale it. fancy that! no seriously, i am like the queen of inhaling food. i take like 3 bites, swallow, then continue to scarf. it's no wonder i overeat.

i also find i'm not eating just because i'm bored. or upset. or emotional. knowing you are going to have to write down everything you eat really makes you stop and think twice. because i'm also the queen of indulgence. i found a reason to indulge myself in a treat probably everyday. "i'm stressed." or "i'll workout later." (only to take a nap) or "i'll start my diet next week. i should get in all my treats now while i can." knowing i'll have to write my food down makes me stop, think, and realize i'm turning to food for comfort. and in that second my brain goes through a list of other things i could do to cope. last night, i kept a food binge at bay by watching videos of my nephew.

i know, it's only 2 days. but i'm already seeing the benefits. plus i got a cute, red pocket moleskine calendar to write everything down in. i am a geek for notebooks and theirs are by far the best ever.

i'm hoping it will also have enough room for me to keep track of my daily spending. if you have any good tips on budgeting software or techniques, please send them my way.

today i:

1. woke up later than i wanted but still had time to eat breakfast in peace, curl my hair, and rock a purple eyeshadow look.
2. found out i didn't get the job i interviewed for on monday, but realized i didn't really want it anyway.
3. cut about an hour off a project at work by coming up with an ingenious shortcut!
4. resisted the urge to nap by doing yoga and felt 10x more invigorated!
   
5. took a candlelit shower.
6. was reminded for the millionth time that my boyfriend is the best.
7. finally figured out how to purl!!!!!!

happy humpday

today i:

1. finally learned the purl stitch!
2. set it up so $100 more gets put towards my last credit card every month.
   
3. set it up so more $ gets puts towards my savings every month.
4. made some awesome mac n cheese with tuna.
5. started my food journal.
6. spent 25 minutes on my wii fit. stupid pushups and side planks.
7. got mucho praise at work today.
8. made my bed :)
9. scored tickets to tomorrow night's king's game featuring the jabbawokeez at half time!
10. got to bust out a new eyeshadow palette!

Episode 5 - JabbaWockeez in America's Best Dance Crew - Funny video clips are a click away

paying attention

every year, i look forward to lent. crazy, i know. it's like spring-cleaning for the soul. and by the time easter comes, the days are longer, the weather is nicer, and it really is a time for rejoicing no matter what you believe in.

lately, i've been thinking about why i've been feeling so stuck. it strikes me as odd that i am so happy and so in love yet so dissatisfied with a lot of other things in life. like my job. like my weight. like my lack of motivation to really fix those things.

there's a lot i could go into regarding the why and i honestly won't bore you. simply put it comes down to this: i need to stop worrying about what i can't control.

so my lenten promise is to take better care of myself.

be more mindful of what i feed my body. be more mindful of how i treat my body. be more mindful of how i spend my time. be more mindful of what i watch, what i say, and what i do.

be more deliberate, and less rushed. less frenetic. more purposeful.

be more mindful of how i spend my money. be grateful for what i have by taking better care of my things and sharing what i have in excess.

wake up earlier so the first hour of my day is just for me. and spend a few minutes every night listing all the things that made me happy.

countdown to valentine's day

just so you know, i've always loved valentine's day. even when i was single. it goes back to the days in elementary school where we made cutesy mailboxes to put on our desk and went around dropping cutesy little cards into each one. for me, that holiday craft was so much more fun than making turkeys by tracing your hand.

anyway, sg has a romantic weekend planned. we're going here.and staying in the moon hot tub suite. i know, my life is so hard. there will be dinner and a live band and dancing. and even though it's forecasted to rain the entire weekend, i'm sure we will still make good use of the hot tub on the balcony overlooking the lake.

i. love. my. boyfriend.

we're moving in together

but it's not what you think.

sg is moving in with me...

and my parents.

yeah, i know. crazy.

we ran the numbers and it just made the most sense. why drive an hour every week to see him? why pay upwards of $1200 for an apartment while he's out of work for god knows how long? we're hoping to not have to touch the severance bonus they gave him and pocket it for a rainy day (or maybe some shiny bling for our engagement). we will even be able to actually save some of the money he gets from unemployment and i won't have to work the weekends schlepping bloomin' onions.

but yeah, i know. crazy.

my parents were surprisingly sympathetic and open. and while i'm not so naive as to think this is just gonna be peachy, i think it's still for the best and i'm grateful my parents are so generous. if all 4 of us can get through this situation, then we really were meant to be family.

seven months and counting

sg and i celebrate another month together. seven in total. i know you all think i'm crazy keeping track of months when you all have decades under your belt, but being in love with "the one" has been the most amazing thing to happen to me. it boggles my mind how i can love him more everyday. and i'm amazed at how the simplest things make me feel so happy and so complete.

this month, though, i think he and i became, "we". it has been our most stressful month but instead of being at odds, it brought us together. and i feel like we crossed yet another huge milestone in our lives together. we were on our way to my cousin's birthday party and he was driving and we were just talking and holding hands and i just looked at him and thought "wow, this is my forever." it felt so natural and wonderful for him to be part of my family and there was no where else i wanted to be in that moment than right next to him. and i've been getting that feeling a lot lately.

once i realized i could leave my family to start a new life with him, i feel like we seamlessly flowed from his and hers to ours. with his layoff, sg and i now start talking about starting "our lives" and "our future", with "our money". and i don't flinch. being a part of 'us' is more important to me than just being me. and i finally feel like i'm not necesarily losing 'me' in the process. i am now just part of something bigger. and honestly, i couldn't feel more proud.

next month, sg and i are headed to dc where he will take the preliminary test for employment to the capitol police. i have a friend who works on the force and is now one of nancy pelosi's bodyguards and can most likely push his process through much faster than the normal 6 to 12 month time frame. which is a good and bad thing. good, because he'll be working sooner. bad, because it means i have less time here.

i'm concerned about whether or not this is necesarily the right fit for him. luckily, i don't have to worry about his safety because it is the safest law enforcement job ever. apparently, guarding the capitol and members of congress isn't all that risky. thankfully. he doesn't think he'll get anywhere with his degree and his experience, considering the economic situation. and he thinks this will be a great opportunity to get in with the federal government. for him, working is all about money and security. for me, the starving artist, it's about living up to my creative potential. they pay pretty well and of course are very secure and it will give me the freedom to pursue what i want without necesarily worrying about being the breadwinner. we're hoping that this training could lead to many different opportunities and the upside is that law enforcement is needed everywhere so a move back to california is very much possible in time.

and hello! being married to a man in uniform!? yum!

but we'll see what happens. we have some other leads but nothing concrete yet. so we're still plugging away like the rest of you.

in other news, i picked up a weekend waitressing gig. again. it seems i can never hang up my apron. to be honest, i do enjoy it. and the extra money will definitely be nice. let's hope it's like riding a bike. it's been a year.

other than that, not much else. i've been burning calories by worrying and not sleeping. i picked up jillian michael's 30 day shred the other day and am going to try it tomorrow morning. i hear it's killer. hopefully it'll help me get down a size before my return to dc.

interview of a blogger

one of my favorite bloggers, stacy, at dare to tri wants to know:

1. What makes you laugh the hardest?
when someone does something so innocently cute when they think no one is looking. it's obviously unrehearsed and that moment can never ever be replicated or copied.

2. What do you look forward to in 2009?
finding a great job. sg finding a great job. hopefully, being in a stable enough financial place to get engaged. getting back into shape.

3. Who would you consider your mentor and why?
this is a tough question. i don't know if i have one now. in college, i had 2 professors who were instrumental in me leaving my intended major to become a designer. and after college, i worked for 6 years for a woman who was not only my boss but a surrogate aunt. the closest thing i have to an older brother is my friend dale. he's 6 years older than me, always finds a way to be objective yet compassionate, and never judges anything i tell him. we don't talk more than once a month, but he's always there when i need him and our friendship never seems to skip a beat when we reconnect.

4. What's the best and worst thing about being a woman?
best: i think women have more options than men, at least in america. men have stricter defined social roles whereas i think that women have more opportunity to try different things and fulfill many and multiple roles.

worst: i hate that we are considered the "weaker" sex and i feel the need to prove otherwise.

5. What is one fear that you would like to conquer?
i would soooo love to have the balls to negotiate. i can't even haggle prices at a flea market. but i'd love to be able to demand a certain salary and get it or cut through salesmen bullshit and get a fair deal on a car or talk credit card companies into giving me better rates.

i am such a pussy when it comes to stuff like that. i am the eternal peacemaker and would rather pay a small price to avoid confrontation. and in the end i'm ok with that. but still...

To play along:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the questions).
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

sailboats and puppies

chrissy field, on a beautiful sunny saturday morning, is swarming with dogs. and runners, bikers, and families. little kids frolick nekkid in the water and the bay is covered in a rainbow of sailboats. it's hard to believe it's january.

i couldn't help but think of how hard it would be leave this place.

we ran to fort point, under the golden gate, where there were some civil war reenactment fesitivies going on. we watched women sew and wash clothes on a washboard and watched an infantry drill. then we trekked back to the car to stretch.

all in all, we spent a good 2 hours, soaking up some vitamin d, and sweating out some toxins.

sg kept saying," there must be some sort event with all these people out here". to which i relplied, "no honey, this is what people do on a saturday when it's beautiful outside!"

and even though i had to DRAG him out of bed, he was very thankful i did. he said he felt great afterward! and that just made my day.

so yay! first real workout and he didn't kill me.

quickies

• i was reading through some old posts that included some actual running, and WHOA! yeah, i want that again. so i went running tonight.
• running past restaurants watching people eat is the best feeling ever.
• i've been a whole range of sizes in my life, but my ultimate rule is that i'm not bad fat unless my stomach sticks out farther than my boobs. i'm getting dangerously close to that. so yeah, i went running tonight.
• i love how it's always the perfect weather to run in san francisco, but i HATE the friggin' hills.
  
• i've been stressed all week getting very little sleep. i got to sg's last night, snuggled in and slept like a baby.
• tomorrow is my cousin's birthday and i'm cracking open a new bottle of "rum island iced tea". i've never tried it. i hope i don't regret it.
• i'm also busting out a new set of false lashes for the occasion.
  
• i made the best chicken tortilla soup tonight.
• i'm hoping to get sg and i back on track with the training schedule tomorrow. stay tuned.
  

conjoined

i've been having major withdrawal.

i feel like my left arm is missing because sg is no longer at his desk all day, conveniently poised to i.m. me at any given moment. where we can exchange random nothings and "i love yous" all day long. not having him at my disposal makes me feel so...lonely.

i'm sick in the head. i've turned into one of those mushy, starry-eyed, in-love girls.

i don't know why i see it as a weakness.

i don't know why i don't just embrace it and be happy that when i tell my boyfriend i miss him, after half a day without talking to him, that he says "honey, you've been on my mind all day."

i've been in a funk all weekend, but i always feel better after i talk to him. hearing him say, "i'm always here for you" makes our burdens seem so much easier to bear.

maybe a little bit catty

so things may not be going along exactly how i would like them to in my life, but at least i don't look like jessica simpson:

sure, she has millions of dollars stashed somewhere and her boyfriend still has his job, but at least i'm not performing at chili cook-offs in awful fake hair. i'd still take my life (and my jeans) over hers any day.

the bright side

we have been flooded with kind words and offers to help ever since we got the bad news. the support has been amazing. and we are so grateful.

in a lot of ways, i really do see this as a blessing. his career was going nowhere there. but he had gotten too comfortable to really do anything about it.

but now, things are different.

i think it's the kick in the pants he needed to finally examine what it is he wants to do and maybe take some risks he was unwilling to take before. and no longer do we have to wait and wait for the bad news to come. in a lot of ways, we can finally move on with our lives.

we're sort of at a free-for-all. we are both now given the freedom to search for what will make us happy, career-wise. i know the economy looks bleak, but for whatever reason, i feel like this is finally our chance. i really do feel like this was for the best and it is opening us up for something truly awesome.

maybe i'm delirious. or maybe this over-enthusiasm is just my mind's defense against utter depression. but faith has gotten me this far, and i sure as hell am not giving up.

how i've dealt with sg's layoff news sort of goes along in tandem with some thoughts i've had about last week's post. i left home when i was 18 to discover myself, to make a name and a life for myself that didn't always have the mark of my family on it. and as much as i missed them, i loved the life i made for myself. and i'm sort of feeling that calling again. i am eternally gratefuly for them for being there to help me pick up the pieces and rebuild again. and it feels like a kick in the pants for me to leave again. but i really do think part of me needs to distance myself in some way (not necesarily physically) to truly make a life for myself again. without my mom's voice in my head second guessing everything, without the pull of obligations from everyone, without the safety net i've grown accustomed to again. in a perfect world, our perfect jobs would be within 2 hours of my family. but this is not a perfect world. and me being willing to move away has more to do with forging MY new life than choosing patrick over my family.

and how lucky am i to forge a new life with the man made for me?

in a way, i guess it sounds selfish. but for whatever reason, it makes sense in my head. i felt uncomfortable choosing a man over my family, when i realized that man is integral to my happiness. and that i wasn't just doing it for him. or for us. but for me too.

and that's a decision i can feel comfortable with.

cupcakes to the rescue

photo from yumsugar.com

sg got laid off today.

along with many of his friends. 30% of the williams-sonoma brand to be exact.

he's in good spirits, as far as i can tell. better than i thought he would be anyway. i offered to make the drive and shower him with love and affection and he declined the offer. i think he just needed some time to process everything.

so of course, i've been calling and emailing everyone i know. and so far he/we have gotten nothing but tons of support. and i've been online searching and hunting for him.

but yeah, i need a break. finally, after months of waiting, the news finally came. in a way, i'm grateful. part of me believes this is a blessing in disguise.

so i'm going to do the only thing that sounds good right now.

and that's bake.

chocolate cupcakes.

with lots of frosting.

keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

the idiots guide to running a 5k in 10 weeks

in 10 weeks, (70 days), patrick will be running his first 5k. and he enlisted ME to help! i'm certainly no professional, but i'm all he's got. hopefully, taking on the role of "teacher" will keep me focused and motivated to set a good example and keep my ass in gear. god help us both.

patrick is a fitness virgin. meaning he knows NOTHING about exercise. he probably couldn't do a proper form squat by himself if he even knows what one is, and he certainly has no equipment. it took a gift card from me at christmas to get him set up with the proper running shoes. so i knew the plan had to be idiot proof.

i drafted a 10 week jeff galloway run/walk program that relied more on increasing running time than running distance, because i knew he wouldn't want to be bothered to look up running routes. twice a week we run/walk on our own, and on saturday, we run for distance when i can "supervise". i gave him my old ironmatch watch (it's pink!) and he's all set!

i also decided that some sort of strength training was necessary and decided on the good old fashioned push-up. when looking up the 100 push-ups plan, i also found out they have a 200 sit-ups plan. lucky us! their 6 week plans align with our 10 week plan perfectly. so now we're on both. 3 times a week we have a push-up and sit-up regimen to follow.


by adding this component, i also figured that it would give him more areas in which to improve, just in case his running gains were slow coming. i mean it takes quite a while to improve your speed. and right now we're just focusing on getting him out there. and for a while it's gonna feel crappy. but in my experience, strength, as long as he's consistent, builds on itself pretty easily because you're only "punishing" yourself for a minute or so at a time. today he did 10 pushups. by next week he will most definitely be doing more, even if all he can do is 12. but that is measurable success.

in that same vein, i knew we needed a way to measure "before" and "after". i knew we needed a benchmark so we did a series of tests based on the old school fitness tests we all had to take in elementary school!


lo and behold they have one for adults! and looky here, it contains a running, push-up, and sit-up element! am i a genius or what?

here are our results:
miss petite america
1.5 mile run time: 17:30 (i ran the whole way! woot!)
half sit-ups (in one minute): 65
push-ups: 15
height: 5'3"
weight: 177 (shut up! i got an earful from my wii fit already!)
waist measurement (at the belly button): 36.5 (HOLY CRAP! pretend you didn't see that)

southern gent
1.5 mile run time: 19:39
half sit-ups (in one minute): 51
push-ups: 10
height: 5'10
weight: 189
waist measurement (at the belly button): 39

so yes, i am a fat ass. but i beat my boyfriend in every category!

anyway...you take your results and input them into the website to see where you stand among your peers:
miss petite america
1.5 mile run time: 25%ile
half sit-ups (in one minute): 95%ile (woot!)
push-ups: 30%ile
average: 50%ile (whew!)
BMI: 31.4, obese, very high risk of disease (crap!)

southern gent
1.5 mile run time: 5%ile
half sit-ups (in one minute): 65%ile
push-ups: 5%ile
average: 25%ile
BMI: 27.1, overweight, increased risk of disease

obviously, we both have lots of room for improvement. but i think we have a pretty fail-proof plan. in 70 days we'll be crossing that finish line faster, stronger, and leaner than we are today. and we'll be doing it together!

love vs. love

i thought that once i found "the one", i would want for nothing. but lately, i'm beginning to wonder.

sg and i have talked about expanding our job search to states outside of california. initially, i balked. and even cried. "i just moved back. i just moved back!" but with the way things are looking, i'm seeing more and more reasons to not limit ourselves to my home state. yes, things are pretty bad everywhere, but as desperate job seekers, it seems futile to limit ourselves too much geographically. i get it.

but what price can you put on family?

could i hump this crappy job for much longer in hopes of things turning around just so i can see my nephew whenever i want? could i postpone graduate school indefinitely until i can figure out a way to swing it without having to work 2 jobs while living at home?

is it worth sg?

could i say no to moving with the man i want to marry because i can't bear to be away from my family? could i be happy living with the man i love even if it means living across the country AGAIN from ALL of my family?

i don't know.

i just really don't know.

and it will be hard for me to be on board with any plan until i know.

but can i really know?

does this mean i'm NOT ready to get married? to commit?

he says, "together we are stronger. we will get through this."

and in my head i'm thinking, "but i don't know who i am without them."

i never in all my life conceived of a life without my family.

maybe i'm not ready to be a "we". or maybe he really isn't the one. or maybe i need to put on my big girl pants and cut the strings. i never thought of living a life where i would have to. but that doesn't mean i can't be happy if i do, right?

life is so very strange. i left the east coast, my career, my friends, to find solace in my family. they helped build me back up again. and in my time here, i found a wonderful, wonderful man who i want to marry.

what is the next step?

wine and pancakes

we picked a race!

on saturday march 28th, sg and i will run through the beautiful napa valley and be rewarded with a wine tasting and a pancake breakfast. served to us by firemen!

sg thinks it will be fun. i guess all it takes is a free tshirt and promise of food to make him happy. little does he know there are some challenging hills on this course. but we'll no doubt conquer them because there are plenty of hills for us to practice on around here.

though training is slow going, since we are both sidelined with a bad cough. it's to bad because the weather this weekend has been glorious. let's hope it holds up for inaugural training run next weekend.

this economy is such a drag

ok so i know this "recession" is on everyone's minds and is affecting everyone, and i've resisted talking about it because who wants to be a debbie downer? but well i can't take it anymore.

sometime over the summer my current job cut my hours down to 32. at first it was cool. yay! every friday off. them my bank account started to dwindle. and i had to cut some things. then patrick started to get news of slumping sales at ws and they started laying people off.

i've been on the hunt for a new job, but haven't found anything. everything i find requires me to have more multimedia/web experience. which is fine, i'll go back to school, but in order to do that i need extra cash. but in order to get more money, i need a better job. i've even considered doing something else, but either way i need training and have no resources yet to go down any new path. i feel trapped. i feel stuck.

so all summer i've been spinning my wheels. i was offered a position somewhere else but the amount they were going to pay was a ridiculous insult. so i turned them down. but now the job market seems even more bleak. and at yesterday's staff meeting, the boss talked about cutting more costs, maybe meaning even less hours or less benefit. GAH!

i sucked it up and decided i may as well bartend or wait tables, which has always been a lucrative fallback. i interviewed for a bartending gig and they told me within 24 hours of posting the ad, they had 160 people respond. 160 people!! i can't imagine what the responses are like for REAL jobs. they whittled the pack down to 20, and will whittle those who interviewed down to 4 before they make the final selection. i have never had to hustle so hard for a restaurant job. they've always been given to me on the spot.

patrick and i are trying to make the move to co-habitate, but this economy is not helping. ws is threatening a third round of layoffs. i know in many ways we are lucky. we don't have a mortgage, and we're only supporting ourselves. but man is it ever hard to try to start a new life in this economic climate.

and what the hell does it mean when they say california is going bankrupt!? how the hell does a state go bankrupt!? where the hell am i supposed to go? what the hell am i supposed to do? how in the world are we going to employ the hundreds and thousands of people out of work?

i don't get it. i just don't get it. how in the world did we get to this place? wasn't i reassured at some point growing up that if i went to college i would get a good job and be ok?

grrrrrrr...

mpa <3 sg

** warning: this is a post where i gush lavishly about my love life. **

in one of our first conversations before meeting, patrick laid out his plans for marriage, kids etc. and he actually said to me, "well let's say you and i meet, and things go well, we could be married in a year, have 2 years to ourselves, then we'd start having kids by age 33, which i think is the perfect time."

for most people that would have been way intense and way presumptuous. especially coming from someone you hadn't even met yet in person. but for whatever reason, i found it utterly refreshing. he wasn't afraid to lay it all out there and say, yes i'm looking for a wife and yes, i want kids. he was serious. i was serious. and so it began.

i look back at our 6 months together and marvel at how our relationship evolved so quickly and in such unexpected ways. i definitely had a plan in mind on how a proper relationship should go, how THE relationship would feel like, yet this was nothing at all like how i planned. but it's been so much better.

my love and appreciation for patrick grew exponentionally on our visit home to meet his parents and his family this christmas. it's a little hard to describe. finally seeing where he came from, meeting his family and being so warmly welcomed, seeing how relaxed and content "home" felt for him, seeing just how much he loves his family. something about seeing how happy his parents are after 38 years of marriage felt like i was somehow looking into the future. our future. after a few days it was all too much for me, and while we talked before bed i told him just how happy i was, just how much i loved him and i was bawling because i just felt like my heart was bursting, i just couldn't contain my joy. (if that didn't make you hurl, i don't know what will)

but what i think is probably the best indicator of the evolution of our relationship is that i think we've learned how to fight. i made a rule a long time ago that we wouldn't go to bed angry and we've stuck to it. and i know there are time we both want to keep picking, but stop bc we just don't like being angry at each other. resolution is always more important to us. it might not always happen right away, but it does. and that's a good feeling.

i am grateful everyday for him.

a new chapter

so, i'm kind of over the whole running blog thing.

it doesn't mean i want to abandon running or blogging altogether. i just haven't been in "training mode" for practically a year and have no compelling desire to be that hardcore about it anymore. at least for now. when i first started running, it was all i ever thought about. it was the new, great challenge and boy was i eager!

but now my life encompasses other things. this blog started as a place to talk about training and sprinkle in other things about my life and the base of my readers, as few as they were, were runners with their own hardcore running blogs. but i've written so little about it lately, and unless there is other interesting personal news from you bloggers, i'm just not as interested in reading about training. i feel like such a bad blogger friend.

i purposely made the name of my blog have nothing to do with my running so i could keep it open to write about whatever i wanted. i contemplated letting the blog die and starting a new one. but i rather like the name. and i like having everything in one place. but for whatever reason to move on, i feel the need to officially say, this is no longer a running blog.

god, i'm so angsty.

so anyway, i don't know what kind of blog it is now. and maybe it doesn't need to be anything. though it would help me focus and not feel so emo. for now let's call it a "newly thirty reformed pseudo party-girl adapts to couplehood while figuring out what she wants to be if she ever grows up" blog.

2009 could be a really big year, kids. a really big year...more on my goals, later...