one giant step

i start my new job on monday! i'm not exactly sure what i feel. i'm nervous, a little. i'm excited, a little. but for the most part i think i just want to dive in and get the weird beginning 'probationary' part over. i was telling patrick that i was still slightly disappointed that las vegas didn't work out. and i think it's because most of me is not happy living in the suburbia i grew up in. it's not a bad place. it just bores me to tears. and while the las vegas job would have been probably less creative than the one i took here, the adventure in a new city certainly excited me.

but feeling that way prevents me from seeing all the positives.

1. i get to stay close to my family, specifically my most adorable nephew.
2. i'm getting paid well.
3. i can still explore lots of california that i haven't explored.
4. i believe i can make more of an impact at this position than the other and maybe most.

i really must remember to focus on the positives.

another positive: patrick and i are getting our own apartment. FINALLY! the original plan was to stay at my parents' place until he found something, but things were starting to come to a head between him and my dad if those two spend any more time together in the house alone all day. so i figured to save my own sanity and preserve any shot of a good relationship between my future husband and his future in-laws, we needed to get our own space. we found a great deal at a quiet apartment complex in the next town over and we move in at the beginning of next month!

now while this is exciting news, my brain's energy is mostly focused on being totally super kick ass at this new job. so i don't think my brain has fully processed the weight of this next big step. i mean HELLO! i'm moving in with a DUDE! that i'm going to MARRY! lease is signed! hello!

on the one hand, i AM excited. we have wanted this for forever. on the other hand, i am still nervous about his unemployment. no matter what i do to improve the situation, until he finds gainful employment in an actual career, i can't relax. forget that he's still receiving unemployment checks for who knows how long. forget that we have money saved. forget that his parents are willing to float his boat (apparently indefinitely). i feel nervous being in a relationship where the other person can't fend for himself. it bothers me that he has no idea what he really wants to do in life. how can i rely on someone so directionless?

in the last few months i have come to the realization that perhaps i have the most potential for being the breadwinner of the family. which is not that weird in this day and age. most of my girl friends from college make significantly more than their spouses. in fact, i know a couple where the husband got laid off last year and remained unemployed so that he could stay home with the baby they had a few months ago. while that works for them, i'm not so sure that would work for me. as much of a 'feminist' as i claim to be, i want the man to work. and i want the option to figure out a work/stay home scenario. it sounds sexist and wrong, but i want my husband to be able to take care of me and my family. and i have strong doubts as to patrick's ability to do that.
i know that his unemployment is temporary and he will be able to find something. but what is that something exactly when he has no clear career goals or skills for that matter? again, what is it that i have to rely on?

i can't bring this up with him because it just makes him more depressed and despondent. and really how do you tell someone 'yeah i am really doubting your ability to be a real man?' i already know he feels emasculated by the whole situation anyway. but i'm hoping that being out on our own will put him in a better mood and frame of mind to make things happen.

in the meantime, i need to focus on the positive. something will work out. that something will be great. i must not lose faith.