- my fiance is unemployed and has been for exactly a year now.
- i am experiencing furloughs at my job.
- i have credit card debt and student loans.
right now we have about $8k saved in the bank which can cover his expenses for about 5 months. if i help pay his bills, our savings could float us for 8 months total. longer if he can find something, anything part-time. i'm considering getting a second job. just so we can keep saving something every month.
his parents, after hearing our predicament offered to send us money from an account they set up a long time ago to help patrick buy his first house (once he finally found a wife). they would rather i put my extra money towards my debt than use it to help pay patrick's bills.
i'm a little speechless.
i'm resistant to just take money. i feel like we're old enough that running to our parents is unacceptable. it's bad enough we have to live with mine, but now his parents' are paying our bills? it's not exactly pride, but the idea of 'no, i have to do this alone.'
part of me also feels like, 'no, i have to struggle.' i got myself into this mess, we got ourselves into this mess we have to feel the pain and dig ourselves out. i feel like we really have to feel and earn this lesson.
part of me feels overwhelmed and overloved that we have people in our lives who have the means to help us in such a big way. but part of me feels like that money should wait to be used for what it was meant for, especially if we really can find a way to float this ourselves. even though i understand that this money is a gift they had always intended on giving us, it's just too much for me to take.
i don't think it's the kind of thing that will have strings attached, but you also never know. am i going to feel in debt to them?
but if we do take help from them, and i can start knocking out my debt like a super champ, and i don't have to get a second job, i can spend my time taking some classes i've been meaning and needing to take. i will have the time to do a lot of the professional development i haven't been doing. it does make me feel like i could breathe a little easier.
obviously i won't really be able to sleep at night until he is gainfully employed and we can support ourselves, which is something his parents can't help us with.
so what do you think peeps? should we consider this magic parent fund an extension of our savings so i can start attacking my debt? or should we act like we don't even know it's there and fight it out on our own?
5 comments:
I'm with the parents, if they are GIVING the money and it's not a LOAN. Since you guys aren't married yet, you need to focus on your own debt and let him (via his generous parents) focus on paying his bills and relieving any stress he might have so that when he's in a job interview he can be focused and confident. I'm a big believer on not mixing your money until you are married. It's just not a good idea...there are so many what-ifs in that scenario (I won't go into them...you know what they are).
As far as feeling like you are forever indebted to them...if he takes the money to support himself during his time of need, you need not feel any pressure. They gave it to him, not you. And if they ever do give you some flack for it, remind them that it was gift and gifts do not come with strings attached.
Good luck to you! I paid off $80,000 in debt before my husband and I got married (he was a big believer in not borrowing money, and has since converted me). It is the best feeling to know that everything I own is paid for and mine!
(BTW, I used Dave Ramsey's -www.daveramsey.com - to get out of debt...it works!)
My husband and I bought our house 4-5 years ago, and I'm 31 now. Ed's (the hubby) dad gave us about $10k to put down on our house, pay closing, etc.
It was a blessing and it was a gift, and there weren't strings attached. Ed's dad is in Chicago (we're in TN) so there were no visits checking up on us or anything that made us feel indebted to him.
I think it's wonderful that his parents would rather you put your money towards your debt. It shows caring on their part for you, which is great.
Money is one of THE triggers for problems in relationships, and if it can be avoided by them helping a bit, so be it. (In my opinion.)
At the same time, can Patrick get a job just anywhere right now? More retail? Anything? I've heard a saying, "It's easier to find work when you're working." So even if he needed to get a crap job for a month or 2, it might help him feel better, bringing some money in--and may connect him with people who can help him get a job he actually loves. I dunno. I know pressure when a man feels down like this might have an adverse affect, so proceed with caution.
I do think you're learning lessons, and working on it--you see this all as a temporary situation until you can get your feet under you and move out and on to bigger and better things. As long as you keep an eye on the prize, you should do well. Also, people in the same house listening overly loudly to political shows might help with you feeling the "struggle" part! Kidding!
I also used Dave Ramsey's plan, so I'll back Amy up on that.
What I've learned most is short term struggle, long term gain. If you can knock your debt out, and perhaps not deplete Patrick's whole fund, that might be the biggest win. Imagine if you had no debt and then could put any extra money to a down payment...Without debt, savings goes SO MUCH QUICKER.
Overall, I say try to take only what you need, leave as much as you can, but work on your debt and since you'll have a little breathing room, stress just a little less.
Ok, more walls of text. Ha! You can tell I'm avoiding work. ;)
If there truly are no strings attached, I think you should take the money. There's no reason for the responsibility to rest solely on your shoulders.
Oooh, tough call. I agree with most of the others. You guys aren't married yet, and you have your own debt to worry about. I would focus on paying of your debt and allow his parents to GIVE him the money to pay bills... just my two cents. or three.
Your future in-laws are trying to keep their son and his future bride from incurring a whole lot more hurt. When I lost my job, my parents made the same offer. It's what most parents do.
I agree with Amy that until you're legally married, your debt is your debt, not his. And feel blessed that Patrick has such a giving family.
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