so much time lapses between my posts that i think why do i even bother? do people even really care any more? then i remember i started blogging for myself. so that answers that question. it frustrates me though, that there is so much going on in my life that training has taken a back seat. i gave myself the excuse of adopting a type b approach to training this summer. and while it's helped keep me "balanced" to enjoy things other than my running, i feel like part of my life is severely lacking because i'm not running as much as i'd like. not even so much that i'm not running as much as i think i should or need. but i WANT to be running more. what craziness!
my upcoming half marathon in october has started to weigh on me. will i be ready? at the beginning of the summer i would have said, yes, i will be ready. now? it's pretty dicey. could i get through it, yes. could i walk the majority of it? yes. but i don't want to. i want to run it. i want to run it better than i've run any other half marathon.
so what's my problem?
i never understood how much of a time commitment and mental commitment training was. because i had all the free time in the world as a single nine to fiver. added onto the fact that i lived on my own. now? i've still got a nine to five, but i have many more family responsibilities, don't have a whole home to myself, and maintain a relationship with a boyfriend who lives an hour away. and soon? i'm gonna have to worry about gmats and grad school apps. AND. i really need to start looking for another job.
where the HELL am i going to find time to train?
in the grand scheme of things, everything else comes first. but how do i reconcile my strong desire to train and race and the finite number of hours in a day? the finite amount of energy i can put into the various pieces of my life?
i know i'm not alone in this. hell, there are executive mothers who train for 2 marathons and ironmans at a time with twin infants at home. everyone has a lot on their plate. why can't i seem to juggle everything too?
i kind of wish i hadn't signed up for this half marathon. i think the reason it weighs heavily on my mind is that if i'm gonna do it, i want to do it well. and it irks me that there just doesn't seem like there's enough time. it irks me that i'm unwilling? unable? to step things up and just bite the bullet and stop whining and just get off my ass and train like a good girl.
grrrrr....
but at the same time, i just can't abandon everything else and eat, sleep, and breathe training. i HAVE to get a new job. i HAVE to take the gmats. i HAVE to apply to business school. i WANT to be there for my family. i WANT to be there for my boyfriend. i WANT to catch up with friends.
the theme of my past posts all definitely point to me not having enough time for myself. downtime, not worrying about anything. doing exactly what i want, when i want, how i want, for whatever reason i want. even as i write this i get this icky knot in my stomach. i just want to run away.
i know that soon enough, things will shake down. and i'll get a handle on things. and what falls to the wayside, falls to the wayside. it'll all be good. but for now, i'm angsty :)
in other news, sg and i are headed to vegas tomorrow to meet up with my college friends. you know, for the the girls' trip that turned into the couple's trip. i have loads more to say about that but i've already blogged your ear (eyes?) off. i also have a race report from last friday to write. wherein i took my nephew to his first race! :)
but that will all have to wait. everyone's on vacavy anyway. be safe kids and have fun!
5 comments:
I know how you feel. I am training for a half in November. As much as I want to do well, it's hard to find time for training, two jobs, family, friends, a boyfriend, and oh, SLEEP. If you find a way to balance it all, be sure to share. :)
Hope you have fun this weekend!
Everything you just said is totally how I've felt the last few months...but, I can attest that you get through it. You'll figure it out but in the meantime don't beat yourself up about it! I realized today that when I'm busy, and I give myself a race time goal, I end up hating it.
So, now I'm just gonna run and screw all the details!
Have a great time in Vegas!
Yes, we care!! I love your blog. You've got such a full and exciting life, and I love reading about it. Keep it up!
As for the time commitment involved in training for a big race -- yeah. Been there. But at the time, my life felt so out of my control that my training was the one thing that I felt I could control. So it was a good thing.
You'll find a way!
We fall in and out of love with running and right now it's just not the priority in your life it once was. That shows you're normal. You also might find the relationship rekindle once you're actually in grad school, like I did.
And keep blogging...we love you.
Just happened across your blog and I really enjoyed reading it. I can relate to your training issues. I am training for my first marathon in December. It is a long road. Good luck on the half marathon. I am sure you will do fine.
Post a Comment