i'm 3 weeks into my marathon training and despite a rocky start, i think i've been pretty good and consistent about getting my workouts in. what i'm trying to do different from my past 2 half marathon trainings is add more cross training. and that seems to be going pretty well.
so then why does it not feel like i'm really training? and why is it that my running workouts are the ones that suck the most?
why can't i get myself to eat like a good little runner for more than a few weeks at a time? why can i not resist having a beer (or more) or a glass of wine? why do i stay up way too late some nights, even though i know i need my rest?
what happened to the little voice i used to have inside my head that helped me make all the healthy decisions regarding my training? what happened to that drive? that pride?
i've been thinking about this the past few weeks and the only thing i can think of is that i'm scared. the training for my last 2 half marathons were great. i was seriously high on training. but at my first race, i was suffering from a sinus infection and didn't know it. i had a horrible, awful race. i finished. but not without a lot of pain and concern for my health.
the training from that race also led me to get orthotics because of pain i was having in my feet. i was laid up for a good number of weeks, missing the army ten-miler that i really really wanted to run.
if you've been reading my blog for a while, you know how the training for my last half went. i went into bad-ass mode, ran farther and faster than i ever had, only again to get sick and stressed out with other life stuff that caused me to miss the race entirely.
and now my knees, that never really seemed to give me huge problems before, are of great concern to me. yes, they've been holding up. yes, i've been diligent about icing, and ibing, and hell, i even got into a freaking yoga class for them.
but i guess i no longer have a newbie's ignorance. or newbie's optimism. granted none of my injuries have been huge, but they've all been directly linked to the endurance running. and i think part of me thinks, what else will go wrong when i start piling on the miles? i've stopped focusing on my speed and hell, even keeping track of my weekly mileage because i think that ambition may have driven me to go out too far and too fast. so how else do i stay motivated? in what other ways can i celebrate my victories?
part of me also thinks, i just don't want to get my heart set on running this race when it can all go to shit come race day. i don't want to invest the next 18 weeks, if my body really can't handle it. i'm scared of wanting it, committing to it, because in the past things have gone to shit in the 11th hour, mostly because of things out of my control.
i know you can't plan life. and you can't live life scared of success because of past dissapointments. so what will it take for me to really own this marathon? to own my running? to not run scared but run free?
2 comments:
ok. i'm not sure if you actually want opinions or if this was all rhetorical. if it was rhetorical, stop reading and ignore my babbling. You know all of this stuff anyway and a week from now you might have a totally different outlook.
I know missing your last half-mary sucked, but I think it was just a bad convergence of events and maybe allowing that to cloud your opinions on the full mary is making it seem more difficult. The chances of all those unrelated events happening again is pretty slim and it is probably better to live for today, rather than focusing on what happened yesterday (advice I'd like to live by also). Perhaps if you think about proving all of the doubting thoughts in your head wrong that will be enough motivation to push you through. besides, I think everyone has a few weeks during their training schedules when they question "why am I doing this" and "what is the point."
I consider biking to be cross-training for me, but it is so much easier than running that I have the same feeling about whether or not it counts. Running pounds your body and stresses your joints more than any other activity. I think running on a treadmill almost universally sucks and that might be why your workouts aren't as pleasing as you'd like them to be.
as far as beer/wine - I realized that I couldn't be happy just having a drink, if I was going to drink I wanted to get drunk. So, basically I had to cut it out entirely except on rare occasions. It kind of sucks, but in general I feel more energetic and it keeps my eating pretty normal, which helps my running too.
A couple of things... First and most importantly is to remember that while race day is important, respect, pride and transforming yourself into the runner you can be happens durring training. It's more about getting to the starting line - if you know what I mean.
Second, you're early in your training for the marathon so you have plenty of time. Don't get frustrated. You cannot build strength (xtraining), speed and endurance all at the same time and expect your body to adapt right away.
There's nothing wrong with tempting food, a beer or a glass of wine from time to time. I try to go into super healthy mode 2-4 weeks before race day. Plenty of time to drop that last pound or two and clean out the system. But near enough to the race to stay motivated.
One last rule... Do not increase your mileage too much too quickly. Stick to the 10% rule and you should avoid injury.
Good Luck!
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