10 years in training

last night on nip/tuck, sean saidsomething to christian that got me thinking.

he said, "i've been your friend and your partner for so long, that i've forgotten who i am."

in a lot of ways, your identity can be somewhat relative. coming back to my family, ALL of my family, i realized again why i had left 10 years ago. to find myself. to find my identity besides what i was in this group of people.

i didn't really know at the time what "finding yourself" meant. i think i even scoffed at the idea. how can you not know where or who you are, i thought. but going away to college, being on my own for the first time, being 3,000 miles away, not any closer than an email, a call, or an 8 hour plane ride away, left me to be me, relative to the entire world. well, at least the entire campus.

first semester, i remember my neighbor from texas and i counted the days until we could go home for christmas break...starting at something ridiculous like 100. we had just gotten there yet couldn't wait to get back. and once i did get home, something strange happened. home wasn't home. or maybe i wasn't me. somehow time had changed the 2 things i always thought i could count on. i remember crying the first night home. what had happened?!

by the end of winter, i had broken things off with my hometown boyfriend and was forced to make college home. i realized there was no home to come back to and that i had to create it for myself with my friends. i remember that going home always meant boredom, meant missing my flourishing life back in dc. and when graduation came, it was only natural that my best friends and i would get an apartment together and i would find a job in dc.

the transition from school to work was actually a little easier than the inital break from california to dc. i can't even recall anything momentous, except for racking up credit card debt. even with getting a second job, hosting, waiting tables, and bartending. in a way the first couple years were a weird hybrid of the college/adult years, where we went to work for 8 hours, but still had the energy and the inclination to party.

but as the years passed, our nights out during the week dwindled, and slowly but surely, one by one, my friends starting coupling off. even the gay ones. in a way, i felt abandoned. even though i didn't blame my friends. there as no one to blame. but here i had left my family to make a new one, and now this one was slowly breaking up. now what?!

i wasn't quite ready to move back home yet, even though eventually i knew i would have to. whether it came to me having to take care of my parents or me deciding i wanted to have a family, i knew at either of those points, we would need each other. but at that point, those things weren't happening and i was staying in dc because i had a relationship of my own that i was working on.

this relationship lasted nearly 6 years. and like any relationship that lasts that long, it went through lots of ups and downs. in summation, i can safely say this: it should NEVER have happened. but it did. but now, 6 months after i ended things, i know why it did. i know why even though he had a live-in girlfriend at the time, why i gave into his pursuit. why i was weak to his charm. why i forgave the many, many times he disappointed me, lied to me, hurt me, betrayed me. why i tried so hard to make it work. why i could have hope when no one else did. why i lit up everytime he walked in a room. why i will still cherish our good times, even though now i know he is a con-artist, pathological liar, drunk and possible sex addict. i now know what liars say when they're trying to manipulate you. what it feels like when your intution tells you something's not right. what it feels like to ache for someone who you know is NOT good for you. what it feels like to have your spirit so beaten up you look in the mirror and don't know who you are anymore and how you got there.

at this point in my life, who i am is still in a lot of ways in direct relation to him. i used to look at my relationship with him as my greatest shame, but now i see it as my greatest triumph.
at my lowest point, my moment of greatest weakness, somehow i was able to dig deep and find the strength that was always there. through it all, i still had fight left and i clawed my way out. and even though on some days, or even weeks, i could barely see through my pain, i trudged on. one foot in front of the other.

in the past 6 months, i feel like i've aged 6 years. finally accepting the ugly ugly truth about someone i loved with all of my being and using all of my strengths and resources to find ways to heal takes a lot out of a person. even a strong woman. about 2 months ago, i decided it was finally, FINALLY time for me to go home.

part of me was just tired. emotionally and physically. and i needed the only support i knew only family could give. but at some point during my packing, what i had realized was that home was within me. my identity wasn't defined by my role in my family, or my friends, or my relationship. it wasn't defined by my age or my profession. the last 6 months have shown me that my core, my being, my sense of self, is strong enough to withstand outside forces. is stronger, more solid, more real than i ever gave myself credit for.

so i was ready for california and my family to feel and be different. i was ready to leave my friends of 10 years. because finally i knew no matter what or where, i would be okay. i would always have me.

at some point in the last 6 months, as cheesy as it sounds, i feel like i took the leap from being a girl to a woman. and not just oh, i became an adult because i feel like being a woman is distinctly different. my intuition was right about a lot of things in the past, and now i have the wisdom listen to it. i felt so vulnerable and lonely at times, but now i know how to truly be a friend to myself. i was so angry and hurt i could barely see straight, but i somehow channeled that energy into forgiving myself. i could have buried myself in work, drinking, or eating, to soothe the pain, but somehow i let all those temptations go by the wayside to do some real soul searching instead.

it's honestly a lot like distance running. about 9 months ago i decided i would run a half marathon when i couldn't even run 1 mile. but it's amazing what your body can do when you challenge it, when you push it farther than comfortable, farther than you thought you could go. suddenly the word "can't" escapes your vocabulary. and even though your body can endure a lot of pain throughout the training, it teaches you a lot about what is right for you. and it teaches you that you can endure the pain today to reach your dream, even when it feels very far off. and there are no shortcuts. either you put in the time and training or you miss out. but once you get there, you know deep in your bones you have what it takes to do anything.

i have my first marathon scheduled for fall of next year. i'm excited about mapping out the races and training before then. and as for the rest of my life, i'll take it all in the same way. set out goals and the baby steps to get there. and the thing about being a "back-of-packer" is that you don't worry about making it there fast. you're proud and happy enough to just be going at it.